CDP Wayback Machine – Totes Grodes Edition.

Give me some skin.

‘Give Me Some Skin.’
(Originally published 6/26/06 – A decade ago!)

To me, the start of Summer only means one thing: 90 straight days of mind-blowing sunburns.

As an embarrassingly pale man, getting a sunburn is about as easy as beating Shaq in a game of ‘Horse.’ I needn’t be outside for more than a picosecond to instantly transform my baby-smooth exterior into a mass of pink, stingy nerve endings. From June 3, right up until September 10, I’m rendered freakish and unpleasant in the eyes of friends and neighbors; invitations to parties cease and desist. Nobody wants to see Old Creepy McBurnyface singing karaoke; it tends to bring down a room.

The term ‘tan’ is not in my vocabulary. This word means nothing to me; sort of like ‘zork’ and ‘scalene.’ Unless I liberally lubricate my pores with SPF-Nuclear Holocaust lotion, I’m screwed.

A few years ago, the Missus and I went to an outdoor concert. I asked her to put lotion on my face, making sure she knew how susceptible I was to UV rays. She did not take this warning seriously, and lazily streaked a few drops across my melon. When the show was over, it looked as if I wanted to highlight certain parts of my forehead that were more important than the others. I ended up with scars.

And now, an awful story from my childhood.

In the late 80’s to early 90’s, I helped out on my family’s dairy farm during the summer. One weekend in particular left me with the Queen Mother of all sunburns on my legs. I had been wearing shorts, and the result left me looking like I was wearing a permanent pair of red socks. from the knees to the ankles, I was charred beyond recognition.

I took care of my crimson legs for days on end, gently soaking and aloe-izing them before I went to bed each night. Even at such a young age, I was an expert at the art of third-degree burn treatment. I had experienced many a sunburn by that point in my life, but I knew that this one was different- even special, somehow. I didn’t realize why I felt that way until the big day finally came.

I woke up on a humid Sunday morning and swung my wok-fried stumps over the edge of the bed. That’s when I noticed the beginnings of a peel on each of my calves. Wide-eyed, with a skilled and steady hand, I proceeded to peel off my skin like an honest-to-goodness sock, producing two snake-like sheddings, each about a foot long. It took me about a half-hour, and they were absolutely beautiful. I held these giant hunks of flesh up for inspection, and everything suddenly became well worth the wait.

I couldn’t let these go to waste. I had to do something with them. But what?

My attention focused to the small, black-and-white television I had in my room. The reception from this TV was horrible, and no matter which way I manipulated the rabbit ears, I got nothing but static and white noise. However, I did notice that the picture came in much better as long as I kept my hands on the antennas.

Scientifically speaking, I now know that the reason for this is because we humans give off a certain amount of electricity, which acts as kind of a booster for the TV antenna. As a child, all I knew was that I couldn’t hold onto the antenna and watch the tube at the same time. Perhaps I could fake the TV out somehow, by making it think I was holding onto the rabbit ears.

I think you know where I’m going with this.

Imagine the look on my Mom’s face when she walked into my room, only to see me watching a television with two giant balls of human skin affixed to the antennas.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your week.

Advertisements

16 Years.

 photo ROCKwinne_zpsqrs4bmk3.jpg
(2001)

I’m going to say something controversial, and I don’t care if you agree with me.

 photo CZgraduate_zpssdn48s9e.jpg
(2002)

16 years is a long time to be with someone.

 photo RyanCeliaValentines_zpsyxfi6keb.jpg
(2014)

There.

I said it, and I’d say it again if I had to.

 photo RyanCeliaFrostiball_zpsmticun6b.jpg
(2016)

As of this week, I’ve been married to the Missus for 12 years, and we’ve been a couple for nearly 16. I try to find something poignant to say every year or two on here about it; here’s a collection if you feel like taking a trip back in time:

June 24, 2004 – A recap of our wedding.
June 14, 2005 – Our 1st Anniversary.
June 19, 2006 – Our 2nd Anniversary.
June 21, 2007 – Our 3rd Anniversary.
June 19, 2008 – Our 4th Anniversary.
July 11, 2011 – Our 7th Anniversary.
June 19, 2013 – Our 9th Anniversary.
February 10, 2014 – Our (upcoming) 10th Anniversary.

We’re not getting older. We’re getting better.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your week.