The Final Fuller House Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss. Be honest, you’re going to miss this, aren’t you?
I took an Ambien prior to watching the final two episodes of Fuller House, and just before the entire cast melted through the studio floor and out the bottom of my iPad, I remember thinking to myself, “How can things possibly get weirder?“
Kimmy and Steph making out. Steph challenging DJ to a game of Twister. DJ joking about how ‘You Oughta Know’ is about Dave Coulier. The girls drunk dialing the Olsen Twins and making fun of their catchphrases. Surely I dreamed all of this, right? Fuller House cannot possibly be this self-aware. This self-referential.
Despite a 12th episode that I thought was essentially filler, Fuller House closed on their highest note since the Premiere. I liked it. Frankly, I overall liked the entire season, and I’m excited for Season 2. I had a good time reviewing it, and I had a good time watching it. Not just for all the times it was warm and nostalgic and fondly embracing the past. But for all the times they caught me off guard and legitimately made me laugh with weird, original stuff. They showed not just that they were in on the joke, but took advantage of us underestimating what they were capable of pulling off.
I, however, will not be returning to review Season 2. The CDP Board Of Directors has informed me that, due to overwhelming public outcry, I must immediately cease and desist. I guess the FaceSwap photos really creeped a lot of people out. It was a good run.
So, for the last time, are you ready for the Episode 12 and 13 synopsis?
Season 1, Episode 12: ‘Save The Dates.‘
– Steph writes a new song and wants to see if it ‘appeals to the youth demographic,’ so she plays it for Tommy. This was when I realized that, unlike Michelle, Tommy couldn’t really be used for anything other than sitting there due to how young he was. With Michelle, she eventually turned into a catchphrase-spouting ratings bonanza, but Tommy was basically just a baby lump that appeared from time to time for reaction shots.
– Who plays Jumbo-Sized Jenga on a glass coffee table? Jackson and Max.
– Steve’s taking DJ out for a 90’s-themed date. This whole thing teetered on the edge of me feeling bad for Steve, but DJ dug it so much that we, the audience, sorta did too.
– Steve was Bay Area Podiatrist of the Year in 2012. Little feather in his cap, there.
– Fernando can speak perfect English. I have no idea why this surprised me, but it did.
– DJ: “Steve took me to the school gym to re-carve our initials in the bleachers. But apparently, security frowns on a grown man in a wig wandering the halls with a pocket knife.”
– Steve fills DJ’s glass to the tippy-top with wine. His behavior, with the right musical backdrop, goes from cute to full-on sexual predator in seconds.
– Steve rented Ghost in 1991 and never returned it. If Blockbuster Video hadn’t gone out of business, he would owe them $200,000.
– Tell me, tell me, that the scene with DJ and Steve massaging ground hamburger together while recreating the Ghost pottery scene wasn’t funny. I dare you.
– Steph and Kimmy kiss. Kiss kiss. Fernando divorces Kimmy so he can marry her again.
– Max plays Jenga with the baby, lets him win, and confesses that he will be in therapy for the rest of his life. Probably court-mandated therapy, if my theory about him is correct.
Season 1, Episode 13: ‘Love Is In The Air.‘
– DJ and Matt re-open the Vet Clinic together. Steve is jealous. DJ still hasn’t decided who she will give the final rose to.
– Matt was an underwear model in Miami. It got him through Vet School.
– Jesse and Becky are renewing their vows in the backyard, and Kimmy/Fernando decide to piggyback onto their ceremony with their own. Uncle Jesse is everyone’s uncle.
– Jesse feeds a whole cheeseburger to an infant.
– Jackson: “Uncle Jesse, got a minute? Do you know Ramona’s friend, Lola?“
Jesse: “No, I don’t.”
– Ramona: “I’m psyched for my family getting back together, but I’m actually going to miss you guys. Except you. I don’t really know you at all.“
Jesse: “Well, I’m Uncle Jesse. I’m everyone’s uncle.”
– DJ still can’t choose between Steve or Matt, so she’s inviting neither to the wedding as her date. Kimmy and Steph make the respective calls for her, because it’s a Sitcom.
– Matt and Steve are handling DJ’s indecisiveness the same way any guys would: by being super nice and bro-y to each other. Matt gives Steve a Rolaid for his Acid Reflux.
– Becky and Jesse renew their vows. Kimmy has cold feet and bails a couple times, but eventually agrees to just stay engaged to Fernando and see where the relationship goes. So, I guess they’re staying in the house?
– Matt gets a smooch from Lola, because she likes how messed up his family is. That’s how I got my wife, too!
– The Bachelorette-style finale with DJ/Steve/Matt was really funny. “I’ve known it since high school and I’m even more sure of it now…we’re soul mates. I couldn’t even imagine my life without you…That’s all I have prepared.“
– DJ picks neither, and the guys go out for a beer and pizza. Steph says it was the worst episode of The Bachelorette she’s ever seen.
The End. Season over.
Let’s skip right to the good stuff, with How Rude!
– Gibbler Style is offering half off if you book your Baby Shower within six months of your Bridal Shower. It’s their “Don’t Do the Math” Special.
– Steve: “I’m sorry. This was way sexier last night when I was practicing it with my dog.” Comet Junior Junior! Noooo!
– In exchange for being cool about Kimmy/Fernando piggybacking onto their ceremony, Becky promises to give Jesse the ‘Becky Special.’ We don’t hear what this is, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it was probably butt-related.
– Becky rainchecks Jesse on the ‘Becky Special.’ Jesse says he’ll have to give it to himself. Still going with the butt thing.
So, just one last thing before we sign off. I can’t really prove it, and I don’t have all the facts to back it up, but I’m proposing the theory that Steve murdered DJ’s husband. Just wanted you to chew on that while waiting for Season 2 to start.
Thanks for reading. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend. Links to every episode review are below.