Fuller House Monday – ‘A Giant Leap/Partnerships In The Night.’

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(Season 1, Episodes 10/11: ‘A Giant Leap/Partnerships In The Night.’)

Another Fuller House Monday is upon us. We have much to discuss; we’re going old school for this one.

Here’s a little peek behind the curtain when it comes to Fuller House Monday/Friday. First off, it should be said that I did not watch the entire season at once. I only watch 2-4 episodes a week as I review them for the CDP. For that reason, I might actually be the last person on Earth to finish the first season with the goal to do so in mind. When I speculate about plot points happening in the future, I’m not playing dumb. You know more than me; I just write the reviews as I watch the episodes.

So why, you may ask, am I not finished with the season yet? Because it takes me about two hours to get through each episode of Fuller House. I watch the episode and take notes, which takes about an hour with all the pausing and rewinding. Then I actually go to a page where I can read the episode scripts to make sure I have the quotes right and I didn’t miss anything. Just like The Walking Dead Friday and Lost Friday before it, Fuller House Friday contains a lot more work than can be reasonably expected from any well-adjusted person. I only do 2-4 episodes a week so I don’t throw my TV in the dumpster and start my block on fire.

This is how I roll, kids. If you’re going to do it, do it the best you can, even if the whole thing was silly to begin with. I care so you don’t have to.

Ready to go? Then let’s get into the THICK AND MEATY!

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Season 1, Episode 10: ‘A Giant Leap.

Tommy’s a fat baby…er, babies.

Cosmo’s getting bigger, and Max is teaching him (and Tommy) how to do tricks. You know, the very same way a psychopath would attempt to manipulate a helpless human in order to maintain a tight, emotional grip on them. He was feeding the baby Pup-Peroni! Is anyone monitoring this kid?

The doorbell rings, and the entire house flips its shit. Steph’s new boyfriend is coming over, and it’s Hunter Pence of the San Francisco Giants! Hunter wears his Giants gear on dates, I guess, but if my employer gave me $90 million, I’d wear whatever they wanted. Deep sea-diving bell on my wedding day? Sure thing, Mr. San Francisco Giants! When would you like your breakfast?
 
Hunter says that he puts his uniform on two legs at a time, and he does it at his house instead of the locker room. I’d probably do that, too. Kimmy calls him ‘Underpants.’ Hunter also eats pizza with a fork, and keeps a lucky golden fork around his neck at all times. Look, I don’t have a problem with people who eat pizza with a fork, but wearing a golden one around your neck is just begging for a jugular vein injury.

They acknowledge he has crazy eyes.

Pence invites the entire family to the game, and we find out that Steph will be singing ‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game’ during the 7th inning stretch. Pence has been in a hitting slump since he started dating Steph, and the Internet has branded her a jinx. I don’t believe in superstition, but if there’s ONE sport out there where I sometimes feel that the Wrinkled Hand of Fate actually determines the outcome, it’s totally Baseball. I understand this delusion wholeheartedly.

Matt pops in to grab his ticket and insults Pence on his way out the door.

He and DJ have resumed the smooching, in case you were wondering. Seems like the kids approve of him, but Kimmy wants DJ to mention it to Steve. Oh God. She’s justifiably terrified, and so am I. Come on, Killing Spree Finale!

Jackson’s crush Lola is coming to the game, too. Hunter must have given them a buttload of tickets. The Giants did have a rough season last year, but who is a Red Sox/Brewers fan to throw stones? Jackson is attempting to impress Lola again, and Ramona agrees to function as his wingwoman. That’s some good friending, right there. Sitcom Logic says Jackson and Ramona fall for each other.

DJ and Steve are walking their dogs together. Steve wants to move in…for the dog’s sake. Steve keeps mentioning how great it is that they’re back in each other’s lives after so long, and man, he’s pushing hard to rekindle a relationship with her. DJ isn’t helping things, because she clearly still has feelings for him, too. 

I gotta say though, that Steve’s line about getting back into people’s lives sort of sounded like a man whose 25-year master plan is finally coming to fruition. Steve wants to know if they still have the ‘same chemistry,’ and he plants her with a smooch outta nowhere. That’s assault, brother! But DJ is totally down with it. Just straight-up rolls with it and basically agrees with him that there might be something there. I’m going to try that the next time I want to do a Chemistry Check on an old friend, but I’m gonna save up some bail money first.

He says that the kiss was nice, and he was fun back in the day, but he’s a lot more fun now and ‘can do a lot better.’ Steve just said what a lot of us guys wish they could say to their old high school girlfriend. “I’ve gotten better at everything, I promise!

They kiss again, and Kimmy and Steph see the whole thing. Steph says the 2nd kiss was ‘full-frontal frenching.’

Uh…that actually sounds a lot like something else. Like, say, Hunter Pence hitting a Triple.

DJ liked the kiss, and admits to liking Steve. She rather flippantly decides to let Matt down instead, as he plans on moving back to Miami in a couple of weeks. That seemed like too easy of a decision.

We’re LIVE at the ballgame! Matt is a bro to Jackson and offers to buy snacks. More specifically, he just gives him his card and tells him to buy whatever he wants. And hey, Lola goes to the concession stand with him! I’m rooting for this kid.

Lola – “Oh, get me a hot dog. Mustard on the left, ketchup on the right, relish down the middle. The mustard and ketchup can’t touch. And my drink should be half-root beer and half-diet soda with a splash of lemonade. I call it a Lola-Cola.”

I get Lola. 

Hunter’s up to bat, and gives Steph their little signal, which causes the fans around her to recognize that she’s the ‘blonde jinx’ causing his hitting slump. Pence strikes out. At the Pro Shop, Jackson decides to go on a shopping spree with Matt’s card in order to impress Lola. She has good taste; that Tim Lincecum autographed jersey is pretty dope. Jackson gets a hug out of the deal at the low cost of $247.

How does Lincecum pitch without his arm snapping off and pinwheeling into the crowd? He’s not normal.

Back in the seats, Matt wants to talk to DJ about the relationship. Matt has decided to not go to Miami. DJ’s a flustered floozy. Pence is back up, and Max is begging for a foul ball. A foul comes his way, but it’s caught but a chubbo loudmouth. That’s how she goes, kid. Pence strikes out again. Fat Guy sits on his nachos.

From the upper deck, Jackson shares a quiet moment with Lola, but she won’t take a selfie with him. That’ll cost more than $247, I guess.

Steph comes out to sing for the 7th inning stretch, and gets heckled by the chubbo. Hunter Pence poked himself with his golden pizza fork! I KNEW it! Amidst a sea of boos, Steph works her way through ‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game,’ has a meltdown halfway through and breaks up with Hunter Pence on the mic in order to break the jinx. Pence doesn’t give a shit. He looks like he’s seen worse.

Hey, it’s the Kiss Cam! After some repeated pressure by the camera guy, Matt and DJ smooch, and that’s when we find out that Steve went to the game. What? I have about a dozen questions about that (most notably, DJ and Steve didn’t tell each other they were going to the game?), but no time, because Steve makes a mad dash to DJ and GETS INTO A FIGHT WITH GIANTS MASCOT LOU SEAL.

Dude, there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that I like more than when mascots get into fights. This clip of Tommy LaSorda beating the shit out of the Phillie Phanatic has gotten me through more rough days than I care to discuss. Baseball Chaos is my favorite thing in the entire world. I’m so happy that baseball will be back into my life next week.

Steve, Steph, Kimmy and Ramona are all thrown out. On the bright side, Pence breaks his slump and hits a Grand Slam directly into Max’s glove. Precisely the sort of sign a psychopath would take as a direct message from God of superiority and righteousness. On this rock, Max shall build his church.

Steve shows up to the house, and he’s got murder on the brain. Matt also shows up, and oh man, someone’s gonna die. Look at all that sweet Giants apparel. DJ tries to sort everything out, which triggers a flashback from Matt to their first kiss. Then we get some fourth wall-breaking, as the trio ACTUALLY SEE AND COMMENT ON THE FLASHBACK. Then Steve gets a turn, as everyone (including Steph and Kimmy) gets to check out his smooch with DJ from 20 years ago. It’s straight-up absurdity. We’ve all been eating Steph’s brownies.

Both guys (justifiably) would like an answer from DJ, DJ clams up and they both bounce. Nah, they were both just bluffing, although I think Steve was planning on murdering Matt in a parking garage later in the evening.

They both ask DJ out for later in the week, DJ accepts both invitations. Things are gettin’ porny. Then Matt and Steve accidentally kiss each other, and holy shit this entire thing has gone completely off the rails. I gotta go talk to an adult.

The End.

Season 1, Episode 11: ‘Partnerships In The Night.

Most people would kill for Ramona’s eyebrows. They’re really great.

Baby Tommy is just crawling free by the oak staircase, and Max has to poop something fierce. He implies that he will be wiping his ass with the baby.

I’m not kidding; watch it. Those who did watch it, please back me up.

Steph shame-Uber’s her way into the house after a night of getting over Hunter Pence. She tells DJ that she’s become a little famous. She wasn’t famous before? Did she not headline Coachella? Also, I did not know that they still make Mylanta. Anyway, a lot of suitors are banging on Steph’s door since her meltdown at the baseball game. I wonder if the same thing happened to this woman.

Steph inquires about DJ’s threesome situation. DJ cannot decide, and for the life of me I cannot understand why either of these dudes would put up with getting jerked around like this. I mean, let’s be honest here; she’s a widowed mother of three who lives with six other people. I’d be gone in a heartbeat, but I’m also kind of a dick.

Kimmy – “Of course there will be booze; it’s a children’s party!

DJ’s boss (and Matt’s dad) is retiring, and DJ thinks that this means she will inherit the Vet Clinic after seven years of loyal service. Steph is looking forward to watching The View.

Steph – “That Raven Simone is never wrong.
DJ – “Oh, what does she know? She’s a child actress.”

Kimmy offers to hire Steph to help with her party planning business. Ms. Gibbler needs the help and Steph is broke, so it all works out.

Ramona and Jackson steal DJ’s laptop. Why does her personal laptop have a Parental Lock on it? Anyway, they take the laptop so they can watch R-rated movies. That’s a 90’s scheme if I’ve ever heard one. I like the idea that they are doing this together. Don’t know why.

Well, they screwed up with the link, because instead of all the Brief Nudity and Adult Situations they could ask for, they download a virus. They estimate it’ll cost about $100 to repair, of which they only have $50. Psychopath Max listens to the entire conversation and immediately uses his position of power for evil.

At the vet clinic, DJ is taking care of a golden retriever. I’d like to think that every retriever in the city is a descendant of Comet. Matt’s trying hard to win her over, and we find out from his retiring father that he’s leaving the business to Matt. I mean, that sorta makes sense, right?

Nobody calls J-Money ‘J-Money.’

Max loans $50 to Jackson and Ramona, but…you know how this goes. They basically have to be his slave until it’s paid off. He starts off by making them rub his feet while singing. Just a sick, sick individual. No reasoning with this guy; shoot to kill.

Steph rents a cow for the Indian-themed retirement party, and it makes its way into the house. That’s a well-trained cow. Physical comedy ensues.

At the party, DJ announces that she’s going to open her own clinic as a response to getting overlooked by Dr. Harmon. That cow looks so cute with its little wreath on! Steph dances, and it turns into a whole choreographed Bollywood number. Don’t question it; last episode they were able to see each other’s flashbacks.

Max has an existential moment and tells Ramona and Jackson that he will no longer require their harem services. They’d better just watch porn on their own laptops next time.

Matt offers half the business to DJ if she chooses to stay. Man, that must have been one hell of a kiss. She agrees to it, but I’m sure a conversation with Steve is soon to follow.

The End.

This was a weird batch of episodes. So, for your sake and mine, let’s BREAK IT DOWN!

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4 – Not like Fake Coachella or Fake Dance Club, the Fuller House crew actually went and filmed on location at the Giants ballpark. Also, the Milwaukee Brewers’ season opener is against none other than the Giants at Miller Park. So pumped.

8 – No way in hell did Target have that much India-themed stuff on a moment’s notice, even if they did pay for the plug. You’d think someone who ran a party planning business would have more of a contingency plan than just running to a store and buying the place out.

15 – DJ takes the mic at Dr. Harmon’s retirement party to say that she’s essentially starting a competing business. Not really the time to make such statements, Deej.

16 – Max says that he’s been hoarding money by fishing it out of wishing fountains, but everything in that giant plastic bag was paper money. Maybe he has a separate bag for his change.

23 – I grew up on a dairy farm. If that cow would have kicked anyone anywhere near the head, they would be dead.

42 – Things aren’t looking good for Steve at the moment. He’s a successful podiatrist and all, but it looks like DJ and Matt will be co-owners of the Vet Clinic, despite the fact that they’ve only kissed a couple of times and aren’t even officially dating. DJ sure knows how to fall into it; first she’s bequeathed what I can only assume is a $5 million dollar home, and now a Chinatown veterinary clinic. Yeah, her husband exploded in a fire, but she seems pretty well over it at this point.

Before we go, here’s a sneak preview of Fuller House Friday, which will feature the final two episodes of the season!

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It’s just a hunch at this point, but I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be right about this.

Okay, we’re done here. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your week. Links to previous reviews are below; don’t forget to come back Friday for the big finale.

Episode 1 Review.
Episode 2/3 Review.
Episode 4/5 Review. 
Episode 6/7 Review. 
Episode 8/9 Review.

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Fuller House Friday – ‘Secrets, Lies And Firetrucks/War Of The Roses.’

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(Season 1, Episodes 8/9: ‘Secrets, Lies And Firetrucks/War Of The Roses.’)

Another Fuller House Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss. But first, this word from the fine people at American Girl.

We’re in the home stretch here, as Season 1 of Fuller House reaches its emotional, dramatic, and no doubt corpse-stacked climax. We have lies, intrigue, sexual tomfoolery and a memory-encrusted sofa.

No time to waste; are you ready for the Episode 8/9 synopsis?

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Season 1, Episode 8: ‘Secrets, Lies And Firetrucks.

Hold tight; we’re going fast through this one.

Kimmy and Fernando are attempting a relationship again. Things are hot and spicy, but that never was the issue with their marriage, from what I can tell. One time, Fernando escaped from a hotel rooftop in Barcelona wearing nothing but a matador’s cap on his weiner. That’s what the man said.

Jackson encourages Max to start lying. His transition to unstoppable sociopath is nearly complete.

Ramona is a teenager now, and no longer wants to do ‘kid’ activities with her dad:

Ramona – “So no more zoo, no more American Girl store, no more Build-A-Bear-“
Fernando – “Whoa! I can live without the zoo and the bears. But the American Girl store? They’re not just dolls. They’re heroes with emotional stories!

Danny shows up because he’s in town for the Wake Up San Francisco reunion show. Didn’t he just leave?

Kimmy – “Isn’t it kinda sad when they drag out the old cast for some lame reunion show?
Danny – “Not when the show is adored by millions and the stars are beloved cultural icons.”

Cosmo ruins the beloved couch, and it needs to be re-upholstered, much to the sadness of Danny. “This couch is a classic antique! All of our family memories are encrusted into it!

Ewwwwww.

Max and his friends are trying to one-up each other by talking about how cool and alive their dad’s are. One of the kids says that his dad taught their dog to open the fridge and bring him a beer. Max tells him that his dad sounds like an alcoholic. He’s still a bit sensitive. He uses his newfound power of lying to say that he has the stroke to have a fire truck show up at this kid’s birthday party.

HE’S A LIAR!!!! YEAAHHHHHHHHHH HE’S A LIAR!!!!!

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Sorry.

DJ gets advice from Danny about dating again following the death of a spouse. She wants to get more serious with Matt. Like, Chinese Food At The Office After A Long Night Of Inventory-Serious.

At the fire station, Chief Mulrooney won’t let Max ride on the truck, because Danny bumped his song from Wake Up San Francisco 25 years ago. Seems like as good of a reason as any.

DJ and Matt smooch it up at the vet clinic.

Fernando’s obsession with American Girl made me laugh. He brought it up again later in the episode.

So anyway, they have to re-upholster the couch, but they do it the same exact way and make Danny a blazer out of the old, memory-encrusted fabric. It even has change and loose tic-tacs in the pockets. Disgusting.

Danny pulls strings to get Max his fire truck ride. Chief Mulrooney gets to sing Danny Boy on Wake Up San Francisco.

The End.

Season 1, Episode 9: ‘War Of The Roses.

Becky is visiting now, following the Wake Up San Francisco reunion show, and she’s obsessed with baby Tommy. As we found out in Episode 1, her kids are sort of jackasses and she wants another infant in the house.

1000 roses show up at the house, and klepto-hoarder Cosmo took the card, so we don’t know who they’re from. Everyone’s a suspect:

Kimmy – “They must be from Fernando. He’s trying so hard to put our marriage back together. Last week he even got a tattoo of me on his left butt cheek.”
Steph – “These roses are obviously for me. I just have to figure out who they’re from. It could be Darren from the coffee shop, Val from Club Euphoria, or this baseball player I’m seeing.”
Kimmy – “Oh, please. Do any of them have your face on their butt?
Steph – “That’s none of your business.”

Becky calls Steve (for DJ) to see if he was the one who sent the flowers. He immediately gets weird and possessive. More on him later.

Jackson is still struggling to start a relationship with Lola, but he may be in the Friend Zone, so he prepares a lavish, grandiose statement: A ‘Check Yes Or No’ letter. Do kids still do that?

Ramona – “Once you’re in the friend zone, you can never get out. It’s like Alcatraz. Or IKEA.

DJ mistakenly thinks Matt sent the roses following their one kiss, so she gets freaked out, fakes a dental emergency and cancels her date. Later on, we find out that Matt went to all 12 ‘night dentists’ in the Bay Area looking for DJ, and this is considered charming to everyone within earshot. Damn, it sure must be nice to be a good-looking man. The thought of him sending all the flowers freaked DJ out, but not the fact that he went to 12 locations checking up on her.

Kimmy, of course, thinks Fernando sent the roses, which he doesn’t admit to NOT sending. Steph theorizes that it was her ‘first husband’ Harry Takayama, which triggers the classic backyard wedding scene (at least to me) from Season 2.

Becky is dying for any sort of action, here. She briefly thinks that Steph and Harry had sex at the age of 7. After the Baby Fashion Show, however, I’m more concerned with her overall sanity. I suppose a longtime morning show host probably would start acting like this after a while.

DJ – “Aunt Becky, do you have a minute?”
Becky – “Hold that thought. The Baby Fashion Show is about to begin! I call it, “A Day In The Life Of Tommy Fuller. We start our day in playdate casual. Then this little Viking is off to the playground to conquer new sandboxes. What’s that? The call of the sea? It’s a trip to the marina to see the tall ships. We end our day with a little culture and an evening at the opera. And then it’s time for a night cap, and off to bed.”

I liked this scene because Becky acted like a crazy person.

Misunderstandings abound with this rose situation. But Becky’s gonna get to the bottom of it. Turns out, it was Jesse. Case closed. He sent a shit-ton of flowers to a house that was not his own, for his wife who was going to be there for two days at the most. That’s…great, Uncle Jesse.

Harry Takayama is his CPA, though, so he can probably get a write-off.

The End.

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– If you think Full House has done an episode like ‘War Of The Roses’ before, you would be right; the Season 4 episode ‘Secret Admirer.’ However, that episode was in itself a play on the 1985 film of the same name, which starred Lori Loughlin.

– Going back to the Lucha Kaboom episode, IMDB states that ‘Despite doubles having been hired, Candace Cameron-Bure insisted on performing her own stunts and dance sequences.’ I find this extremely difficult to believe, but like I said Monday, it sure didn’t look like she had a stuntman in the ring, with would be extremely impressive if true.

– Like I said earlier, ‘War Of The Roses’ references Full House episode 2.10 with Stephanie’s backyard wedding to Harry.

– At the end of the episode, DJ, Steph and Kimmy are drinking wine, and we can read on the label the word ‘Bure.’ The Bure wine is from is a real winery owned in part by Candace Cameron-Bure and her husband Valeri.

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– Steph – “One time on the couch, me and David Cantone-“
Danny – “Do not finish this story. This is a good, decent couch. Suitable for the whole family.
Steph – “What? We just watched Gremlins 2. Buck naked. I’m kidding.
Danny – “I never liked that kid. He never used a coaster.

That’s about the Bob Saget-iest joke I’ve ever heard on this show.

Steph – “What’s with the goofy grins? You didn’t find my brownies, did you?

Steph is on drugs. Confirmed.

Steph – “Come on, Dad. You’re gonna love the new couch.”
Danny – “I’ll sit on it, but don’t ask me to love it.

Never mind. That was the Bob Saget-iest joke.

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Jackson – “J-Money say what?!

I’m going to start saying that at least once a day around the house, even though my name doesn’t start with a J.

Danny – “Nobody’s going to bed till I get my money back. These guys are cleaning me out. But that ends now. Tens and queens. Full House.”
Jackson – “Kings and aces. Fuller House.

Oh, you assholes.

There were funny moments in these two episodes for sure, but the foot fungus joke, the ‘elephant in the room’ gag, “everything’s coming up Fernando…”, Just a lot of recycled, silly stuff in Episode 9. But if you’re already in this far, you might as well see it through with me. I got your back, homie.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your week. Links to previous reviews are below.

Episode 1 Review.
Episode 2/3 Review.
Episode 4/5 Review. 
Episode 6/7 Review.

Fuller House Monday – ‘The Legend Of El Explosivo/Ramona’s Not-So-Epic Party.’

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(Season 1, Episodes 6/7: ‘The Legend Of El Explosivo/Ramona’s Not-So-Epic Party.’)

Surprise! Another Fuller House Monday is upon us. We have much to discuss; I care very much about your well-being.

From now until the end of Season 1, Fuller House Monday/Friday is working double-time to give you the Fuller House reviews you’ve been so desperately clamoring for. Today we review Episodes 6 and 7, and we then return on Friday for a review of Episodes 8 and 9. That’s four episode reviews in one week! Have mercy!

The CDP Board of Directors has come to this decision following record traffic numbers and general hysteria on social media. I also fear for my safety as a man and husband should I not churn out enough product to feed the fickle, dangerous blast furnace that is the Internet and Fuller House fans in general. I sleep with a baseball bat under my bed; I’m not afraid of you assholes.

…Okay, let’s get it together. Ready for the Episode 6/7 synopsis?

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Season 1, Episode 6: ‘The Legend Of El Explosivo.

I just noticed in the opening titles that Max’s real name is ‘Elias Harger.’ I don’t know what his middle name is, but after the inevitable killing spree, I assume we all will.

Kimmy has been shopping at the 89-cent Store, because the 99-cent Store is too snooty. The Simpsons already did this (“you fat cats didn’t finish your plankton”), but I still think it’s humorous. If only for the bag of ‘No-Reos’ she buys for Ramona and her friends on the dance team, which cannot be eaten near an open flame. No-Reos sound a lot like Happy Fun Ball.

Jackson shows up with a road rash after skateboarding off the top of a friend’s tool shed. Max spills the beans about this almost immediately, and DJ (who’s rocking some excellent pink lipstick) forbids Jackson from going over there again until she speaks to the friend’s parents. I don’t recall ever being banned from a friend’s house by my mom, mostly because I think I was the house that other friend’s parents banned them from. We had a lot of property and power tools.

Steph shows up and tells the family that she is DJ’ing at Lucha Kaboom and has tickets for everyone. Jackson and Max are psyched. DJ is in the dark:

Max“Guess who’s headlining? King Jaguarito! He’s king of the jaguars and my favorite wrestler!” 
DJ“Well, as a veterinarian, I am always in favor of raising awareness for endangered jungle cats.”
Steph“Yeah, ’cause that’s what wrestling is all about.”

In the living room, Ramona and her friends are working on a dance routine, but they’re having trouble trying to think of a big finisher. Kimmy is there to help, though, with the ‘Gibbler Gallop,’ which is exactly what you think it is.

Studio audience loves it; Ramona and company do not.

At the vet clinic, DJ continues to hit it off with sexy, tall, sweet, unrealistic by most measures of human comprehension, Matt. DJ tells Matt that she’s installing an app on her phone to keep track of Jackson without him knowing. Matt’s a bro, so he’s not really feeling it and let’s her know. Stupid sexy Matt, making me like him. DJ sees that Jackson went back to his friend’s house without permission, so she heads there to embarrassingly confront him.
 
You can tell Bobby Popko is a bad influence because he wears a leather shirt and a wallet chain, and he’s like, 10. I also liked the line from DJ that his name alone sounds like bad news. Mostly because I bet the Writer’s Room spent well over an hour trying to think of a ‘bad influence’-sounding name. It’s not that easy.

They’re doing a little Indie Wrestling in Popko’s backyard. Jackson’s moniker is ‘El Explosivo,’ a wannabe luchador. DJ shows up just in time to see a picture-perfect Jimmy Snuka splash off of the tool shed onto a heavily-padded Max. All Jackson has to do now is get away with murdering his girlfriend, and he’ll be just like Snuka.

Jackson lied about having permission to come over. They all think DJ put a dog chip inside of him, which is the reason she knew where he was. Instead, she used ‘Mother’s Intuition,’ which was the name of the tracking app. I laughed.

“I’m on to you, Popko.”

Max pulls a Christmas Story and cannot get up because of all the layers of clothing and bubble wrap.

Back at home, Steph is helping out Ramona and her dance team, who are appreciative that they no longer have to work on the Gibbler Gallop. Kimmy takes this personally, and it’s another excuse to dance around, which I think they try to sneak into every episode. We get a slew of 90’s classics: the Running Man, the Carlton and the MC Hammer Shuffle. I like that The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air exists in the Full/Fuller House Universe.

Ramona’s dance team gets to perform at Lucha Kaboom, and for real, Kimmy’s bent out of shape about being pushed out by Steph. Being stuck in the 90’s is sort of an interesting way to go, here. I never thought of Kimmy as stuck in the 90’s. I thought of her more as a staple of 90’s culture that has been in cryogenic deep freeze since the 90’s. It’s not an insult; she reminds me of most mothers my age who lived through the 90’s at about the same time…I’m overthinking this. Kimmy says she’s all 80’s, anyway.

Jackson, although he’s doing his best to apologize, has been grounded and forbidden from going to Lucha Kaboom. Kimmy is jealous of Steph and her Cool Aunt status and big boobs. Her words, not mine.

Holy chalupas! Max is enjoying the best day of his life at Lucha Kaboom. I gotta say, it does look pretty fun. Ramona’s dance team is down a member due to explosivo diarrhea, and even though they want Steph to fill in, Steph defers to Kimmy. Kimmy is already wearing the outfit underneath her windbreaker and refuses to own up to the obvious fact that she poisoned the 4th member of Ramona’s team.

Lucha Kaboom looks pretty dope; sort of a cross between Lucha Underground, Chikara and Chuck E. Cheese. There’s even a costume contest for the kids, and you know Max is ready to roll. He wins the contest and, when told by his idol that he should judge him ‘only by the size of the heart that he rips from his opponent’s chest,’ Max thinks this is beautiful.

Psychopath. Next level psychopath. A full 22 on the Most Evil Scale.

Kimmy, Ramona and her dance crew tear it up at Lucha Kaboom, and I felt weird watching those children dancing around in skintight leotards. I’m gettin’ old, and every morning I should probably thank God that I’m not attracted to that sort of thing. 

Popko shows up to Jackson’s house, where they devise a plan for him to sneak into Lucha Kaboom. I actually think this was a nice move on Popko’s part; he’s really a friend to basically hang out at the Fuller residence. Also, Jackson is unsupervised despite being grounded. I guess DJ is using ‘Mother’s Intuition’ as a babysitter.

At Lucha Kaboom, DJ cannot keep track of who she’s supposed to cheer for:

DJ“Wait, I’m confused. I thought we liked the crazy chickens.”
Steph“No, not anymore. Now we love Los Calaveras.”
DJ“But they’re skeletons!”
Steph“They’re good skeletons, guitar-playing skeletons in shiny suits. Why is this so hard for you?”

This is me explaining Pro Wrestling to everyone for the last 31 years.

DJ begins to feel bad for grounding Jackson, and calls him up to tell him that the punishment has been lifted. His phone is not on him, however, as he didn’t want to be tracked…as he snuck into the event. Jackson eventually shows up, and thinking it’s younger brother Max who’s getting his ass beat in the ring, just casually hops the rail and gets into the match. Um, security?

Rule of thumb from a guy who has watched Pro Wrestling his entire life. If you jump the rail, you will get the living shit beaten out of you. It won’t even be funny; you’ll get starched by the performers, referees, security, cameramen, timekeeper, announcer, commentators, everyone.

Jackson is UNMASKED in the ring (the ultimate humiliation), and seeing her son in trouble, DJ hops in the ring and goes to work. Jesus, this is my new most favorite moment in the series up to this point, even if what I said earlier about not jumping the rail is still true.

DJ executes a perfect hurricanrana, and god damn, I really can’t tell if that’s a stunt woman or not (gotta be a stunt woman, right?). I just need to once again reiterate that Pro Wrestling is a beautiful, elegant dance performed between two highly-trained and skilled performers, and not just anyone can get in there and…DJ wins the friggin’ match. Forget it.

Back at home, DJ talks to Jackson about his punishment. Jackson talks about his exploded firefighter dad, and promises to throttle back the carelessness a tad. They hug it out. Jackson says that Popko is his Kimmy Gibbler, and wow, Popko really looks a lot like Martin Shkreli. The End.

Season 1, Episode 7: ‘Ramona’s Not-So-Epic Party.

Fernando and Kimmy are helping Ramona throw a birthday party. She’s turning 13. Fernando has the Chinese symbol for pork-fried rice tattooed on his waist, and it was not a mistake. Ramona opens a present early; a pair of shoes she wanted. Fernando and Kimmy are kinda getting along, which is all that Ramona really wants.

Ramona takes her first steps as a teenager in the shoes, and Fernando takes a photo.

Serial Murderer/Podiatrist Steve shows up at DJ’s vet clinic to pick up his dog. He tells DJ how lonely he was in his ‘big bed’ without any companionship…because Comet wasn’t around? Whatever. Steve continues to lay it on that he’s single and would like to date DJ again. DJ’s not getting it, but she agrees to a no-pressure, non-date date. Steve sees Matt and seems a little off-put that he’s working with DJ. I guess he’s going to have to kill him, too (more on that later).

Steve wants to set Matt up with someone to get him off of DJ’s radar. Someone like Kimmy Gibbler. “Classic Girl Next Door,” he says. DJ invites Matt to Ramona’s party in the event he wants to meet Kimmy, and Steve pops in one last time to see if (and why) they are still talking to each other. At no point does DJ mention to Matt that Kimmy is still technically married, nor does she ask Matt if he wouldn’t mind dating a woman with a teenage daughter. Small details, I guess.

Raving Lunatic Max is convinced that his dog smiled and made eye contact with him as he pooped on the floor. That’s the sort of shit you say to a judge if you’re looking to beat the Death Penalty.

Oh, snap! Ramona buys a birthday dress designed by Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. HOW CAN THEY EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE???

Kimmy says, “At these prices, I can see why they don’t need to act anymore.”

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Fernando is an auto racer, but is a former hairstylist, and agrees to do Ramona’s hair for the party. Fine. Whatever. After that Olsen Twins joke, everything is wrong and nothing makes sense anymore.

In Jackson’s room, he’s liberally applying body spray, as a teenage boy do. Steph drops by, and Jackson remarks that the body spray apparently really does attract women. That’s your aunt, homie. Unfazed, Steph agrees to help him out a bit so he doesn’t completely butcher his opportunity to impress Ramona’s friend Lola. She basically tells him to remove all the douchebag accouterments, but for a split second I thought she was going to tell him to take off his shirt. I read the vibe of the room wrong; my mistake.

Max puts Cosmo on a baby toilet, because he can no longer be reasoned with as a human being with emotion. Stop watching this puppy defecate, dude!

Also, why do Max and Jackson insist on buttoning their collared shirts all the way up to the top? Do they have neck tattoos they’re trying to hide?

Ramona digs that her mom and dad are getting along, and they had dinner together at Pizza Hut! “Nothing says Family like pizza with wieners hiding in the crust,” says Fernando.

I…I don’t know what that means. Like, I know it’s a joke, and it’s supposed to be a joke, but can it really be defined as a joke? Fuller House is expanding the boundaries of what I assumed Comedy was, man.

The party guests start to show up, including Matt. Matt sees Kimmy with Fernando and is justifiably confused. Again, DJ probably should have explained to him earlier that they were working on a divorce. On an unrelated note, the Hawaiian Punch and tequila Matt brought sounds pretty decent.

I gotta say, Kimmy throws a pretty good party; the decorations are on point, and the DJ was essentially free of charge. Jackson is blowing it in his attempts to compliment Lola. The power immediately goes out 10 seconds into the set.

In the house, Max sits in the dark with Cosmo (power’s out) and immediately assumes it’s a Zombie Apocalypse. He tells Cosmo that if it is the Apocalypse, “you can poop and pee wherever you want.” DJ comes in with the baby, and Max is convinced that the baby is a zombie. I get the feeling Max might shove a pencil through that baby’s Baby Brain while he sleeps. DJ had better lock that kid up at night for a while. Just an unrepentant, merciless bedlamite.

The party starts to fall apart: The ice cream cake melted, the power is still out, and Ramona’s getting negative press on the Internet. Steph, in an attempt to save the party, tells the kids to just pair up and make out, which cracked me up. Ramona’s bummed.

In the house, DJ finally introduces Matt to Kimmy, who promptly starts choking on a meatball/mini corn dog and needs assistance. Matt Heimlich’s her, and Fernando shows up just in time to get pissed and CHALLENGE MATT TO A DUEL, which he instigates by slapping Matt in the face with a dishwashing glove. They sort it out, Fernando kisses Matt and Matt flees. Every joke on this show is recycled in some way, and I couldn’t care less.

On the way out, Matt hits on DJ a bit (he blames the tequila). When he opens the door to leave, Serial Murderer Steve pops in (gah!) and asks how his night with Kimmy went. Steve then offers to walk Matt to his car…don’t do it, man! Was he waiting on the stoop all night?

In the kitchen, Kimmy and Fernando are arguing and Ramona overhears the commotion, which bums her out even more. She runs up to her room, which is INSANELY decorated. Ramona expresses to Kimmy and Fernando that she wants them back together as a family, but Kimmy says it’s not meant to be. They hug it out, and all of her guests come upstairs to wish her a happy birthday. Hey, Jackson’s standing next to Lola. Good for him. They come back down, the power’s back on, and the party restarts without a hitch.

Afterward, Kimmy and Fernando chat. And smooch. Oh shit.

Max sees everything because he was IN THE DOGHOUSE WITH COSMO.

The End.

I quit.

I quit everything forever.

But first, Cut It Out!

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– There were shout-outs to MC Hammer, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and even Planet of the Apes during these two episodes. However, more than a few classic Simpsons bits were outright lifted, which is what I paid the most attention to.

– DJ wonders aloud why she’s cleaning the house just before a bunch of teenagers trash it. They then cut to a photo of Danny Tanner, who formerly ruled the roost with an iron fist and gallons of disinfectant. I hope we get to see what his place in LA looks like in Season 2.

– The Olsen Twins dress joke. My goodness. Just savage. The fourth wall wasn’t broken, it was nuked into the stratosphere.

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Kimmy: “Look at me! I’m Aunt Stephanie! I can do everything! Everyone loves me. I have big boobs.”

…Does Kimmy know they’re fake? Someone should tell her. Maybe in the Fuller House Universe, they’re real. I’m demanding a full investigation.

Fernando: “Before I was in the dangerous world of auto racing, I was in the even more dangerous world of women’s hairdressing.”
Kimmy: “That’s how we met.”
Fernando: “Yes, Kimberlina wanted to be a dirty blonde and I happily obliged.”

The things poor Ramona had to hear through the vents in the years leading up to her parent’s divorce.

Steph: “You don’t need electricity to have fun! When I was your age, we would’ve loved for the power to go out. Okay, everybody; pair up and make out!”

Fernando: “I slapped a strange man with a rubber glove. I would like to say it will never happen again, but that’s what I said the last time it happened.”

So, for those just joining us: DJ is hopelessly repressed, Steph is encouraging juvenile smooching, and Kimmy/Fernando are freaky beyond your grossest fantasies.

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– The ‘Gibbler Gallop’ was rough. Am I to believe that she never showed that to Ramona?

– Jackson is wearing his friend’s jacket because it’s ‘National Jacket Swapping Day.’ Someone got paid to write that.

– When accused of being stuck in the 90’s, we get the following orgasm of 90’s phrases: “As if! My moves are all that and a bag of chips, so talk to the hand, loser! Oh, snap! You go, girl! I think I just did!”

It felt like the seconds before a car accident. I knew it was coming, but I was powerless to stop it.

Alright, we’re done here. Thanks for checking out Fuller House Monday, and make sure to come back this Friday for a review of Episodes 8/9. Links are below; sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Episode 1 Review.
Episode 2/3 Review.
Episode 4/5 Review.

Fuller House Monday – ‘The Not-So Great Escape/Mad Max.’

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(Season 1, Episodes 4/5: ‘The Not-So Great Escape/Mad Max.‘)

Fuller House Monday is upon us. We have much to discuss. Surprise!

Four days early, and we’re already jumping into the next two episodes of Fuller House. I just couldn’t contain my excitement until the end of the week. My volcano erupteth!

Thanks for reading, and for making last week’s Fuller House Friday just as popular as the debut. Each episode takes me about two hours to watch, I haven’t eaten a solid meal in nearly a month and I’m fairly confident that my wife is filing for divorce, but this masterpiece of American Pop Culture is worth my best efforts.

With that all being said, are you ready for the Episode 4/5 review?

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Season 1, Episode 4: ‘The Not-So-Great Escape.’

Steph is feeding baby Tommy, who is of course, played by twins. Steph thinks Tommy is part of a conspiracy to drive her insane (paranoia is common among meth users).

Kimmy calls Steph her ‘sister-wife,’ says it’s her destiny to spend her life with her, and then kisses her. Huh. Kimmy’s relationship with Steph reminds me of the way Ms. Carruthers (RIP) was to Joey.

After a few weeks of me being sour about the whole thing, Kimmy finally shows a slight amount of guilt in making Ramona change schools, and keeps giving her money as a way to apologize in lieu of…you know…emotion and talking. When Ramona is a stripper in five years, dating some dude who’s 30 years older than her and runs a combination vape/bluetooth headset shop, we should be able to pinpoint to this moment as the formative act in her development.

Jackson comes into the kitchen and tells everyone that he was up all night ‘erupting his volcano,’ and Steph thinks it was a euphemism instead of his science project. Again, one of many reasons why she didn’t agree to share a room with him.

Kimmy tells us that she did not ‘leave’ Ramona in the ball pit at a McDonald’s once, she ‘forgot’ her. Oof. Ramona’s not making friends at her new school, and Steph agrees to watch Tommy while DJ and Kimmy are busy today. In walks complete psychopath Max, who is wearing a three-piece suit in anticipation of getting a new puppy. Is that a Windsor knot? Goddamn, I don’t even know how to do that! Pure, unfiltered lunatic right there.

At school, Jackson agrees to help Ramona sneak back to her old school, as she’s struggling to make friends and wants to see her old ones. Jackson does a Zack morris-esque locker-close elbow-bump, which injures him in a humorous updated reference. Have you ever done that? It hurts and does not work.

Max slathers bologna across his face in preparation for meeting his new puppy. The bologna was in his pocket. “I love that new puppy smell!” He yells.

He’s frickin’ insane, dude. He’s gonna set the house on fire in the finale, isn’t he?

For the first time, we see the veterinary office where DJ works, and we begin a new plot point in the form of her new co-worker, Matt. Matt’s father runs the office and has early onset Alzheimer’s, which is portrayed as adorable.

Steph is babysitting Tommy, and she takes him to the coffee shop, where she pretends to be a single mom to hit on Darren, a dude in line behind her. I’m pretty sure that both Joey and Jesse used Michelle for this same purpose at some point. Darren doesn’t think there’s anything sexier than a single mom, leaning in and trying to make it on her own. Darren has clearly been alone and afraid for quite some time. Even after 7 credit cards, Steph cannot afford her coffee, and agrees to help DJ run reception at the vet office in exchange for some extra cash.

Back at school, Jackson is hatching an escape plan for Ramona, but his volcano erupts and the sprinklers go off. Ramona literally gets a leg out the window before being busted by the (extremely tight and efficient) school security. Just phone in a bomb threat, you amateurs.

At the vet office, Max STILL hasn’t chosen a puppy from the pile presented to him. He lays out the ground rules, and reminds the prospective puppies that they are not allowed to watch Game of Thrones. He’s more of a Dexter guy anyway.

Steph is going to wow, bow-wow and me-wow the staff and customers at the vet clinic. Kimmy and DJ get calls to come to the school. Steph, with literally no reception or vet care experience whatsoever, is left in charge of the office. Darren shows up with the coffee shop stuff that Steph couldn’t afford, and she gives him heartworm medication in return. Hey, that’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Darren is a brazen dude; in the first three sentences he’s said to Steph, he’s saying things I wouldn’t have the confidence (or lack of tact, perhaps) to say to someone months into a relationship. Darren thinks that single moms with multiple kids are even sexier than single moms with one kid, and Steph again lies about everything for the opportunity to sleep with a mildly attractive man who is also lying.

Hey, there’s a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel in the background! She looks like my Dottie!

Max is still trying to pick a dog. He says “best licker wins,” and Jesus Christ, I don’t know what to say about this kid anymore. Speaking of psychopaths, some idiot just wanders into the vet clinic and lets a skunk run free. I don’t care where you are, that’s an illegal act, homie. It scares all the business away for some reason. I guess the animals weren’t as sick as they thought they were.

DJ returns to the vet clinic to find Steph, Tommy, Max and the puppies all soaking in tomato juice following the skunk attack. Literally vats and kiddie pools full of the shit. Hundreds of dollars worth of juice. Since Steph was broke, I’m assuming DJ’s clinic footed the bill for all of that stuff. I also assume then, that Steph will not be getting paid for her services today.

Steph is naked in there; Max saw Steph naked. DJ puts it all on Facebook.

Back at the house, it looks like Ramona is making a new friend from her new school. This friend invites Ramona to sit with her at lunch. “We sit right next to the Future Millionaires of Silicon Valley,” she says. “We used to call them geeks, but that was before the self-esteem assembly.” That was a funny line.

Ramona is being accepted into the cool group because she rebelled and tried to sneak out of school. DJ calls out Kimmy for her ‘bad parenting’ when she proposes a spa day instead of punishing Ramona. Is DJ overstepping her bounds, here? I don’t know, horse apiece. Anyway, for the first time since I started bitching about it, Kimmy shows remorse for uprooting Ramona from her old life, which is why she feels Ramona doesn’t deserve punishment. DJ gives Kimmy parenting advice, and Ramona doesn’t resent it too much. In fact, she explains that Jackson was merely helping her escape class:

“Jackson only set off the alarm to help me escape.
Is that true, Jackson? 
Yeah. I felt bad for Ramona, so I came to her rescue. Setting off a dangerous explosion without any regard for my own safety. Or anyone else’s. Like a true American hero.”

lolololol. Everyone hugs it out.

Max finally picks out a goddamn dog, Cosmo. Steph and Darren are going out on a date and she is spinning a web of deceit that everyone seems to just go along with. So remember kids, once you reach a certain age, you can no longer be punished by anyone for lying. The End.

Season 1, Episode 5: ‘Mad Max.’

Steph is helping Max practice trombone for his school recital. He’s no Xavier Woods. Steph gives him her ‘magic’ paisley scarf for courage, which of course, Max loves. In the original series, Steph was told that her courage came from her uvula. Not kidding.

DJ is taking care of Cosmo, and Kimmy is signing her up for a dating website (Gluten-Free Soccer Moms.com), where she’s already received a fair amount of pokes, winks and prison love letters. Kimmy’s being a bro.

Steph’s British friend Shannon arrives to ‘rescue’ her from the drudgery of domesticity. Shit, I’d give anything to be a stay-at-home dad right about now, provided I don’t have to watch any kids. Maybe a stay-at-home pet dad. Anyway, Shannon invites Steph to Coachella on a private jet (it belongs to a guy that invented an emoji), and she’s back off the wagon, bay-bay!

Max finds out that Steph left with his Magic Courage Scarf, and freaks out prior to his recital. Jackson tries to cool him out and tells him to just imagine the audience in their underwear when he performs.

Like Jackson, I, too imagine my readers in their underwear when they’re reading my essays.

Especially you.

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Ramona’s video chatting from the bathroom. This is what happens when you leave a teenage girl unsupervised for any longer than three seconds. Tommy experiences ‘technical difficulties in his pants.’ Been there, kid. Did Ramona just try to flush a diaper down the toilet?

It looks as if Kimmy is just bringing randos into the house if they seem even vaguely worthy enough to date DJ. This first guy wears a white t-shirt to a pre-date screening and is clearly a liar about everything. It sure must be nice to be a good-looking dude; I would have been maced before I stepped off the trolley.

DJ walks in and mistakes him for the plumber (Ramona DID flush a diaper down the toilet), and wacka-chicka-wacka-chicka…sexy hilarity ensues. He can be in-and-out in 15 minutes if need be. Eventually the actual plumber shows up, is about 250 pounds and is big on Plumbers Mingle.com. We’ll talk more about this entire scene later, I promise. We have to.

Kimmy was, and still is, hypnotized to act like a chicken every time someone says ‘houseboat.’ What the shit. Simpsons already did it.

At Coachella, Steph is helping herself to an armload of complimentary crab legs in the VIP Lounge. DJ Unbreakable breaks his arm, so Steph gets to play a set on the main stage at the drop of a hat, because that’s how things work at unbelievably massive music festivals.

Her set is going…well? DJ calls her up. Because she’s an EDM artist who plays a laptop for college kids on MDMA, she’s able to take the call mid-set without issue and FaceTime with Max and DJ. I know this wasn’t supposed to be a commentary on the talent of these artists and the intelligence of their audience, but I’m taking that shit to heart.

In order to prove to Max that he doesn’t need the scarf to play the trombone (first time I’ve ever written that sentence), she halts her set and has him play over the Coachella PA system. Naturally, he sucks, but not nearly as badly as Skrillex. The looming visage of whacked-out lunatic Max and his Bowtie of Death overlooks the sea of rabid, chanting fans like the fascist dude in that Apple ‘1984’ commercial. I sure hope Steph got paid for that set. She needs money and I’m concerned for her well-being. Even if she was paid in crab legs; that’s fine, too.

Back at the house, Ramona is exhausted after watching Tommy. Kimmy and Hank the Plumber hit it off. Hey, where did Porno T-Shirt Guy go? Did he just wander out after the misunderstanding? Maybe they’ll find his skeleton in the basement in a few weeks.
 
Steph returns from the road because she thinks she has outgrown the party scene. But…isn’t that your job as a musician? Aren’t you basically retiring, then? Anyway, Steph breaks down and admits to DJ that she can’t have children. These women, and I’m referring to Candace Cameron-Bure, Jodie Sweetin and Andrea Barber, can draw real tears at the DROP OF A HAT. That’s what a childhood of constant acting will do for someone. They legit care about each other, and you can tell. Christ, they sure are bawling.

Everyone hugs it out. Kimmy turns into a chicken again. The End.

Still with me? Then let’s break these episodes down further, with Cut It Out!

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– In Season 2, Episode 3 of Full House (‘It’s Not My Job’), Joey gives Steph a pep talk about courage because she’s afraid to go to the dentist. He tells her that we all have a ‘courage hangy ball’ (the uvula) inside of us that helps with these sorts of circumstances. I’d like to think that the pep talk she gave Max prior to his trombone recital was due to this solid advice she got when she was a frightened child.

“Um, this is a cult, isn’t it? If they’re holding you here against your will, blink three times.”

“It’s not a cult. It’s a family. You know, where you wind up five times a day in a group hug. Oh my God, I’m in a cult.”

On the cult front, the Tanners cannot hold a candle to whatever is going on in the Cameron household. 

– This was the first set of episodes to not feature any of the ‘extended family’ cast that represented the original series. This was an opportunity for the ‘real’ cast to do their thing and make the show their own without too much of the old school nostalgia.

Hey, Emoji Guy loved our barnyard samples! Let’s get dirty, with How Rude!

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– Kimmy: “I’m triple-parked, and I got a tub of mayonnaise, three-dozen oysters and a robot costume in the back seat.”

“Is that for the birthday party you’re planning?” 

“No.”

Just another peek into what ‘Gibbler-Style’ entails.

– On DJ’s dating profile, Kimmy photoshopped Channing Tatum’s ass onto DJ’s chest. “That’s why they look so squeezable.”

– Jackson, who may or may not have been up all night ‘erupting his volcano,’ shares a room with psychopath Max. Please don’t subject Max to that, Jackson. If anything, Full House/Fuller House should remind all of us how important it is to have a little sanctuary in our lives. Quiet place to poop, and soforth.

– DJ: “I don’t need conversation, I just need a man to work on my pipes.” 

Pipes.

Plural.

Just saying. That might actually have been dirtier than they intended. This whole exchange was pretty great.

Time for some mental eye bleach. Let’s get cheesy, with Have Mercy!

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– DJ’s ‘woo-woo’-ing over Steph going to Coachella was embarrassing-for-the-sake-of-being-embarrassing. Although I like DJ’s portrayal of an uncool, out-of-the-loop mother. I don’t know, it just works really well for her, and she plays it near-perfectly for comedy. I don’t think it’s too far off from who she really is.

– This week in ‘Max Makes Me Lose Sleep At Night:’

“Status Update: I’m doomed!”
“Don’t take it easy; take it CRAZY!”
“I love that new puppy smell! Best licker wins!”

– Kimmy is hypnotized to act like a chicken when someone says ‘houseboat.’ She should have done the Arrested Development, ‘I’ve Never Actually Seen A Chicken’ chicken impression.

– That Coachella thing with Max…did that really happen? I’ve been taking Ambien recently for insomnia, so I’ve been doubting a lot of things in my mind recently. In fact…this show exists, right? You’re watching it too? I don’t want this to be a Candle Cove situation.

Thanks for checking out this week’s Fuller House Monday. Links to previous reviews are below. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your week.

Episode 1 Review.
Episode 2/3 Review.

Fuller House Friday – ‘Moving Day/Funner House.’

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(Season 1, Episodes 2/3: ‘Moving Day/Funner House.‘)

Another Fuller House Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss, but first, a tiny bit of gloating.

I received some good-natured ribbing last week when I said on Facebook that Fuller House Friday was the result of ‘overwhelming public outcry.’ I wrote the line as hint of self-deprecation, but there was a kernel of truth considering I was contacted by a few who thought it would be a fun idea. I am, after all, a guy that reviewed over 100 episodes of Lost and nearly 30 episodes of The Walking Dead. I’m always looking for new and exciting ways to make watching television feel like work.

Regardless, nobody was more surprised than I was when I discovered that last week’s premiere of Fuller House Friday was the most popular CDP post in nearly two years. Far and away. Not even close. The numbers caused me to aspirate a macaroni noodle out of my nose in shock. And it had sriracha on it!

More importantly though, this revelation proved a point that myself and Full House fans have been making for weeks now. It’s also the point that Pro Wrestling fans have had to argue for their entire lives: You don’t understand. We get it. You are the one who does not.

So, with the recent announcement that Fuller House has been renewed by Netflix for Season 2, the CDP Board of Directors is pleased to announce that Fuller House Friday has also been renewed through to at least the end of Season 1. Can’t argue with results, homies.

That being said, are you ready for the Episode 2 and 3 synopsis?

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Season 1, Episode 2: ‘Moving Day.’

I have to once again say that the opening titles to this show are spectacular. They were done with love; I don’t care what you think about the rest of it.

My second thought is, did Danny just leave all his shit in the house? Did he and his wife relocate to LA with nothing? There is literally not one piece of furniture, art or ravioli-zesting equipment that has gone missing since between the first episode and now. Not a bad deal for DJ: You get a fully-furnished San Francisco home that you may or may not have to make payments on, and all because your husband exploded in a fire. I have to be honest with you, at this point in my life, I’d seriously listen to an offer like that. So would my wife, I’m sure.

DJ makes a mean pancake. Quentin Tarantino directed that shot where Steph and DJ are talking and the camera is inside of the fridge. Little fun fact for you.

Also, the contents of that glowing Chinese to-go container? Marsellus Wallace’s soul.

The jist of this episode is that Kimmy, Ramona and Steph are moving in, and everyone is adjusting to the new living conditions. Jackson loses his room to Ramona and has to move in with Max. Kimmy moves into the attic where Jesse/Becky used to stay/hump. Steph takes Joey’s old room in the basement (which was also a recording studio). The baby moves into the backyard, where he can roam like a free-range goose and lay eggs as he pleases.

Kimmy continues to, basically, lie to Ramona and put DJ ahead of her. Seriously, Ramona has to change schools and everything; it’s a pretty traumatic situation. In defiance, Ramona tells Kimmy that the Tanners/Fullers are the whitest family in America, which is a great shout-out to the less-than-diverse original run. Also, the extended shot of DJ putting an absurd amount of whipped cream on Jackson’s pancakes was pretty funny.

Here’s a peek into my unedited, stream-of consciousness episode notes:

“Ramona’s rightfully gonna resent DJ for Kimmy putting her in the forefront of her life. DJ has a work emergency, and Steph/Kimmy run the house. Kimmy slams Canadians out of nowhere. Wow, Max has a ton of toys. Makes me wonder how big their rooms were at DJ’s old place. Tommy shits his pants.”

Solid analysis right there. Cannot believe I don’t get paid for this.

Jackson, still upset that he lost his room to Ramona, tries to butter up Steph into letting him share her bedroom with him, and holy balls I cannot even. There’s…some depth to how weird of a request that is.

Out of nowhere, Jesse shows up to grab his guitar before heading off to LA with Becky. Jackson asks him for advice regarding the loss of his room, and Jesse tells him to hug it out. I liked that joke; basically referring to the fact that it was catch-all parenting in the original series. He also breaks the fourth wall by saying that, when they used to hug it out, he could literally hear the emotional violin music.

We get it. You are the one that does not.

Steph makes a joke about the poor credit score of a 10-year old, Jesse laughs sarcastically while eating a piece of chicken, and this got the biggest legit laugh out of me so far. Jesse leaves with his guitar for LA, but first he has to pee. Again, being able to deliver the catchphrases of the past while totally acknowledging the cheesiness is a tone they’re hitting really well.

We get a reprise of the classic ‘diaper changing’ bit from the first episode. Steph says that she changed Michelle’s diaper so many times that she ‘swears there were two of them.’ Nice. Max’s lines are utterly cringeworthy. More on that later.

A disgruntled Jackson takes it upon himself to hitchhike to LA with Jesse, unbeknownst to anyone. Jesse and Jackson (lol) have a heart-to-heart in the car about living with women. DJ gets back from work, and…are Kimmy and Steph drinking margaritas with Ramona and Max? Children? Jesse returns Jackson (lol) and Steph is trashed.

I don’t like the way Jesse and Steph looked at each other in this scene. It’s creeping me out. You don’t think that…no, right? They couldn’t have.

Jackson sets up the heartfelt episode climax by lamenting on all the recent changes in his life: Moving into his grandpa’s house, losing his room and his dad exploding in a fire. You’d have to think we’ll get a similar episode with Ramona later in the season, although in her situation it’s a bit of a bonus to be the product of a divorced couple. I’m assuming Kimmy and Fernando share custody, but they did say that he’s on the road a lot, so…I’m overthinking this. Everyone hugs it out. Max is a sociopath.

Season 1, Episode 3: ‘Funner House.’

So, let’s get this out of the way before the episode even begins. Jodie Sweetin is 12 days older than me. Candace Cameron is five years older than me. I didn’t feel bad for being attracted to them back in the day, and I certainly don’t feel bad for being attracted to them now. In fact, I actually feel pretty good about myself, in that I’m attracted to women that are my age. My mid-life crisis is still a decade or two ahead of me, it would seem.

This is the fanservice episode. Not in that we’re hitting all the catchphrases and high points from the original series. I’m talking about fanservice in the Anime sense. DJ and Steph are grown up, and in ‘Funner House,’ we get to see that in all its tight-dressed, tequila-shooting, Dirty Dancing-dancing glory. Let’s go.

Steph has blocked Kimmy on Instagram…woah, did you spot the nice, 2-story, front-loading washer/dryer in the laundry room? That shit is on fleek!

After what I can assume is a few weeks of living together, Steph and Kimmy want a Girls’ Night Out with DJ, so they wrangle Joey to babysit. I initially thought Joey made his grand entrance on a hoverboard (which would make sense), but he was actually on rollerblades (which makes even MORE sense). 

DJ has to change into her dress in the car, which has to violate her uber-Christianity in some way. Speaking of which, “what if Uber sees my boobers?” says DJ, implying that she thinks Uber is a person. Despite having never gotten along once in their lives, we find out that Steph was one of Kimmy’s bridesmaids.

At a club called Euphoria, which looks suspiciously like the old Smash Club, Steph and Kimmy show up with DJ in tow. Kimmy gets the VIP treatment at the club, but nobody seems to notice the world-famous DJ that is Stephanie. Whatever. The idea here is that DJ hasn’t been out in a while. Steph heads to the bar, where she runs into two douchebags that get an applause from the studio audience, but I’ll be damned if I know who they are. I had to pause the episode to discover that they are from Dancing With the Stars, in a sweet moment of Netflix/ABC/Disney cross-promotion. (Jodie Sweetin was announced for the next season of DWTS, BTW.)

I really like Kimmy’s doughnut clutch purse. Maybe this will be a thing, like the hamburger phone from Juno. The deebs buy 10 shots for the group, which I assume cost $350. “Sisters with brothers? That’s kinky hot!” they say as they fistbump. Quick, let’s see what’s going on back at the house before I yodel groceries.

Another sign that Max is a crazy person. On a night where he’s literally not going anywhere or even leaving his room, he’s wearing khakis, a tucked-in collar shirt and sweater vest. I understand that he’s supposed to be Danny Tanner 2.0, but this is bordering on ‘extra attention at school’ -levels of quirkiness.

Joey tries some of his trademark standup to engage Ramona, Jackson and Max to no avail. I like that every kid isn’t feeling Joey’s shtick in the least and is individually on their tablets, which Joey promptly steals in exchange for an arsenal of plastic weaponry. Shit goes off. People die.

Back at the club, Steph tells the Ukrainians about the time her and DJ put a hole in Danny’s wall (one of my favorite Full House episodes). Steph then runs into Macy Gray of all people, and I believe the wild, drug-fueled story she tells about how they met was closer to the truth than they’d like to admit. Macy must be an exceptional character actress whose backstory is that she’s been sucking down NyQuil and Ambien at this club for the last six hours, because my goodness does she look absurdly out of it.

Kimmy says the club is full of ‘Butt Candy,’ which makes me laugh for some reason. She runs into Fernando, where it is implied that they are not yet divorced. Macy begins slurring into the mic and everything starts to make sense: She’s there to plug her album. She lurches into her single, Steph gets on the dancefloor and…yeah.

I get the feeling Kimmy and Fernando are going to try to make this marriage work. Nope, never mind. Fernando’s an asshole and he has a side piece. If what Kimmy said is true, and she and Fernando used to go to this club together all the time, then why would she specifically pick this place for the Girls’ Night Out, considering that he would probably be there? She’s not good with breakup etiquette, I guess. Also, I am once again overthinking this.

Back at the house, everyone’s trashing the place, and the kids open the door for a total stranger they think is a pizza guy. Fortunately it’s Joey and not a serial killer like Steve. More on that in later weeks.

Back at the club, we’re having a dance-off. Kimmy and DJ decide to do their Dirty Dancing routine that they did at their 4th Grade Talent Show, which would be a throwaway joke if not for the fact that I have heard very similar sentences from many of my female friends during drunken nights out. That was a real thing that a lot of us did for talent shows. I did a magic act and was not successful.

Damn, Macy is trashed. She’s seriously the worst, but Steph sings a duet with her nonetheless. Kimmy and DJ begin their sultry dance routine, and fulfill a longtime fantasy I didn’t realize I had until just this very minute. Also, this dance contest seems very flimsily judged, if we’re being real here. Call it down the middle.

DJ and Kimmy win the dance contest and Macy calls them lesbians. Macy’s delivery of “What am I doing here? I won a Grammy!” is the worst thing I may have ever seen in all of Television. Was that the best take they wrung out of her, or did she pass out like, two seconds later so they couldn’t try it again? What is wrong with this woman? Someone tell me.

Sincere kudos to DJ, Steph and Kimmy for having an episode to be sexy ‘grown ups,’ while at the same time doing truly funny physical comedy. It was a comedic exhibition for the three of them, and it looked like they were having a lot of fun being goofballs. Fuller House is their show, and this was the first episode where it seemed like they took it completely over.

Back at the house, the kids try to get back at Joey by sliming him, Nickelodeon-style, but they instead slime a returning DJ, Steph and Kimmy, again fulfilling a fantasy I didn’t realize I had until just now. “I loved making a mess; I think I have a dark side,” says complete psychopath Max. The End.

Oh, Mylanta! Two full episodes. Lot to take in. Still with me? Then let’s go even deeper, with Cut It Out!

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– DJ mentions that she watches Dancing With the Stars every week. In reality, Candace Cameron-Bure was a DWTS contestant in Season 18 and finished 3rd. I finished 2nd on Season 17, and also, a lot of people confuse me with Corbin Bleu.

– Steph mentions that she “changed so many of Michelle’s diapers, [she felt] like there were two of her.” This is one of those super-obscure bits of Full House trivia, but it’s a reference to the fact that Michelle Tanner was played by the ‘Olsen Octuplets,’ eight identical babies on a union-mandated rotation, of which only two survived into adulthood.
 
– Apart from Dancing With the Stars, I’m not sure what connection Macy Gray had/has to Fuller House/ABC that constituted the cameo, but I’m assuming she was friends with Jodie Sweetin back in her meth days. The performance was absolutely incomprehensible.

– Joey displays an arsenal of toy weapons to the kids. “These are your classics. You got your Super Soakers, your Silly String, your slime rifles, and the granddaddy of ’em all, a Joey Gladstone-designed toilet-paper leaf-blower gun…I could have used this baby last night at Arby’s.”

…Did Joey just say that he crapped his pants at an Arby’s the night before? Is- is he okay? Has someone been checking on Joey?

Eh, no time to dwell. Let’s get Rated PG, with How Rude!

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– “Jellybean-filled cauliflower my butt!” was basically gibberish but sounded filthy.

– 13-year old Jackson wants to share a basement bedroom with his sexy, sexy aunt. DJ can never find that out, or he’s getting sent directly to therapy.

– Stephanie is a night person. “You know, when the clubs are going off, bottles are popping, people are hooking up…[clears throat]…their Xboxes.”

– Gibbler’s all about that “Butt candy.” What’s with all the butt stuff this week?

– The greatest Pop Culture mystery of our time: What if Uber did see DJ’s boobers? Well, according to Joey, then she wouldn’t have to tip.

I once had an Uber driver who told me about his parents escaping Stalin during WWII, no joke. I would have asked him more questions, but I was legally dead due to alcohol poisoning.

Hey. Hey, you. C’mere. Bring it in. Let’s get cheesy. It’s time for Have Mercy!

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– This week in “Max and I can no longer live on the same planet together:”

– “Jackson, your room is under attack! This is not a drill!”
– “Unleash the Kraken!”
– “Here comes the tricky part; watch out for the fire hose!”

That’s a baby penis joke, Max. I…get it together, everyone.

– Kimmy says that Steph is ‘on fleek’ and hopes it’s still ‘fleek to say ‘fleek.” I had to look up the origin of the word, and I recommend not looking into it unless you want to feel like you no longer understand how anything works anymore.

– DJ, on the dress picked out for her by Steph and Kimmy, “Is this for me or Malibu Barbie?” If it were Malibu Stacy, she’d also be wearing a new hat.

– DJ again, after drinking a tequila shot, “That’s not Sunny D.” Was that a ninja advertisement for Sunny D? You know, now that I think about it, Sunny D commercials always use that Tarantino-esque, camera-in-the-fridge shot I was talking about earlier. I think we’re being subliminally marketed to. 

sunny d sunny d sunny d drink sunny d its so delicious nutritious sunny d sunny d

I’m going deeper into the rabbit hole, and we’re just getting started. Thanks for reading this week’s Fuller House Friday. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend.

I Lost Over $500 By Joining Draft Kings!

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I hate Dustin Johnson. He owes me $10,000.

I should probably back up.

Prior to the 2015 US Open (the golf one), I barely knew of the existence of Dustin Johnson. I follow golf enough to know that he’s a pretty successful, top 10 player as of late, but I couldn’t remember specifically following him through a tournament. I certainly couldn’t remember rooting for him, nor could I probably pick his likeness from a lineup of pastel-panted, polo-wearing wood-swingers. He was just a current pro golfer to me.

But gambling on sports changes the way you think about athletes, for better or for worse.

I am not a man of many vices, thankfully. At least, not a man of particularly volatile ones. My drinking has diminished considerably, I’ve smoked maybe five cigarettes my entire life and have no knowledge of street drugs whatsoever. My addictions are caffeine, television, sub sandwiches and pretending I’m a nice guy on the internet.

With regard to smoking, I know I dodged a major bullet there, because I am admittedly a natural-born smoker. Most of my family members smoke, I was raised in a second-hand fog (every Christmas photo looks haunted), and my Anxiety forces my hands to be fiddling with anything within reach at any given time. By all accounts, I should be a chain smoker, and I’ve always been fairly cognizant of this weakness. I think the invention of cell phones helped me out, though. Now, if there’s an uncomfortable lull in conversation or I need to mentally check out of an anxious situation, I’ll get on my phone where maybe I would have stepped out for a smoke or just pummeled a guy to death with my bare hands.

I’ve been self-medicating my OCD and Anxiety tendencies since childhood in one way or another, and I’ve just been lucky enough to make the right decision more often than not (although my liver may tell you otherwise). I try to remain as logical and self-aware as I possibly can, trade bad habits for good ones when I can, and generally just try to be the person that my cats think that I am.

So anyway, back to gambling.

Gambling is one of those things I flirted with for many years, and my results were as to be expected. Once or twice a year, the Missus and I would go to a casino in the city we were vacationing in, lose about $100 and have a great time. This is a typical casino experience for a typical couple, right? No big deal, no problem. In later years, I would make small bets here and there, but nothing serious. I know some people lose $500 on a single hand of blackjack without blinking, but that’s not me. $500 is a ton of cash, which is another reason I shouldn’t be doing any of this in the first place.

Last year, something happened that effected each and every sports fan in America, whether you gambled or not. It was the pervasive, omnipresent appearance of online sports betting sites like FanDuel and DraftKings. They boasted huge jackpots, one-week Fantasy leagues and pools ranging from one cent to thousands of dollars. Best of all, the whole thing was 100% legal and safe.

Well, whatever. But that’s what they told us, at least.

Holy shit, the ads were everywhere, which should have been the first warning to those of us that hopped on board as to who was really reaping the benefits of legalized Fantasy pools. Every televised sport featured these ads, and they were plastered onto every flat surface and website in the world for a solid nine months.

I don’t gamble online, but that was only because I felt most of it was illegal and dangerous. With DraftKings assuring me that everything was on the level, I’d be a fool to not sign up! Look at all the cash everyone was winning! I want a piece of this sweet action!

In the world of Gambling, I’m the ‘I Have A System’ Guy, in that I have no ‘system’ whatsoever. I’m basically a rube in a sea of sharks when it comes to these pools; the pros with actual systems see me coming from a mile away with my change purse and clean me out before I even know what hit me. The next time you think you have a ‘system,’ ask yourself the following: “Could I gamble for a living? Could I pay my water bill and buy Christmas presents with nothing but casino winnings?” If the answer is no (and the answer is no), then so much for your stupid system.

I’m mainly saying this out loud for my own education.

So, over the last year, I’ve put around $500 into my DraftKings account. Some nights I win money back. Most nights I lose everything. I had broken even long enough, however, to take a chunk of winnings into the aforementioned 2015 US Open, where the top prize was one million dollars.

Some of you might not know this, but I sometimes analyze and create statistics for a living. Not Sports statistics, but numbers and data nonetheless. I really wanted to win that $1 million, and for all intents and purposes, I had the skill and on-the-job experience to be one of those ‘system’ guys, if only for a single tournament.

The fun (or diabolical hellfire) of a DraftKings pool is to put together a team under a certain salary cap that you believe will maximize your chances of winning to the extreme. The better players cost more money, so the risk comes in taking chances with cheaper players you feel will best maximize your salaried dollar. It can literally be as flippant or as technical as you’d like it to be.

Well, for the 2015 US Open, I was going all in. I put every last penny into the $1 Million Pool, and spent the next two weeks putting my statistical analysis skills to good use. I was intelligent enough to be one of those guys, and I knew it. I crunched numbers, researched previous tournament trends and player data. I broke each player down by the run they were on and how well they performed at this particular course in the past. I even looked at recent news stories about the players in the field to see how their personal lives were doing. I was taking this seriously, and drafted my team with a careful precision you can only conjure when $1 million is on the line and you’re trying to avoid doing your actual job at all costs.

Two of the five players on my team were Dustin Johnson and Jason Day, and you can look this up if you don’t believe me, but they were 1st and 2nd heading into the final round of the 2015 US Open. I had somehow put together a team that not only consisted of the two tournament leaders, but three other randos doing well enough to have me high into the money on Sunday afternoon. To the tune of a cool $10,000. I’m not kidding. If everything stayed the way it was with only 9 holes remaining, I would have won at least that much. Johnson and Day were absolutely on fire that weekend.

But…here’s the thing about Analytics. You can crunch a lifetime of numbers and stats in an attempt to predict the future, and sometimes you’ll hit the nail on the head, but it’s not psychic. Human beings are unpredictable, and past behavior is no guarantee of future behavior.

Dustin Johnson started to choke, and Jason Day got slammed with a bout of vertigo. Vertigo! I’ve never seen this happen to a pro golfer in a major tournament in my entire life. He couldn’t see the ball. He couldn’t look down without stumbling. He needed his caddie to take the ball out of the cup. He basically couldn’t function anymore. He fought valiantly, but started to slip further and further down the leaderboard.

They both chunked it, Jordan Dumbass Spieth won the US Open (his 2nd Major in a row), and I finished 100% out of the money. After a year on DraftKings, they had $500 of my money, and I had nothing.

Stupid Dustin Johnson. Stupid Jason Day. Stupid vertigo. You know what? I’m glad LeBron starched your wife on national television. Okay, I’m kidding. I’m very sorry, I’m just mad is all. I’m sure he lost a lot more money than I did that day.

…Why do I do this shit to myself? I’m smart enough to know that this is how gambling works with nearly everyone on the planet, and I’m smart enough to know that, statistically speaking, I am absolutely one of those people. I’m a normal man with normal logic and normal outcomes. At what point do I have to accept that this is out of my hands? That something akin to an addiction has overridden every logic sensor in my brain that tells me this is a terrible idea? Putting my cash into a timeshare or Radio Shack franchise would be a more stable investment.

So, I’m done. I closed my DraftKings account and walked away. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m just…bad at this. I’m undergoing a year of selfimprovement and dammit, I’m not going to be that dude. I’m not going to let stupid, pointless vices control me. I’m not going to defy the odds at the craps table, or have an uncanny knack for picking the loosest slot machine in the casino. I’ll never be able to take the data given to me by DraftKings and put together a team better than every other team assembled by every other smartass on the planet.

I mean, to do that, you’d need to find a way to analyze years of data. To not only create a team that will be the most successful yet efficient at the same time, but also a team that isn’t selected by anyone else. Assuming there’s about 100,000 people in any given sports tournament, and the field of players can range from 30-100, and the salaries are anywhere from $4000-$15000, you’d…hang on, let me grab a piece of paper, here…and taking into consideration average points per game in tournaments past…okay, hang on…haaaaaaang on….

Okay, I think I’ve got a system here.

I’m back, baby!

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

FRIDAY: FULLER HOUSE FRIDAY (EPISODES 2/3).

Fuller House Friday – ‘Our Very First Show, Again.’

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(Season 1, Episode 1: ‘Our Very First Show, Again.‘)

The very first Fuller House Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

Nearly 21 years ago, on May 23 of 1995, Full House aired its Series Finale. I was 13 years old, and I remember thinking…

Hey, you know what? Screw this.

I was going to open on a sentimental note. I was going to get into a whole thing about why Full House mattered and was special to me on a personal level. About how my house wasn’t like the Tanner’s, and how escaping into TV for a few hours a night was a much-needed reprieve from the frustrations of adolescence. Full House was our only family tradition. We’d eat dinner together and watch TGIF (it would later move to Tuesday nights). It was a positive memory, I gotta say.

But here’s the reality of the situation. On 5/23/95, Full House got cancelled for all the reasons it should have been cancelled. It was obsolete amongst the new, edgier landscape of network sitcoms. It was too cheesy. The kids had gotten too old. The fanbase had gotten too old. It didn’t matter anymore. Every single trope that has ever been used to propel any episode of comedic television ever had already been laid on the table by Full House in an attempt to maintain a pulse: Wacky neighbors, weddings, divorces, funerals, pregnancies, twins, a precocious new character, a pet, very special episodes about drugs, alcohol, smoking, eating disorders, Alzheimer’s, cheating, detentions, misunderstanding after misunderstanding after misunderstanding…

Mercifully (for some), it was over. Full House went on to find a second life in syndication and in the memories of those of us raised in the late 80’s/early 90’s, but TV and the real world (and The Real World) were more grown up now, and therefore so were we. It was time to move on…until February 26 of 2016, that is, when Netflix dropped 13 episodes of Fuller House into our laps.

Now, some of us are in our 30’s. Some of us are married. Some of us have kids. Some of you have fond memories of Full House as a youth. Maybe it was a family tradition like it was with me. Maybe, like back then, you just need a little reprieve from reality for a second. A quick breather where you can feel safe and comfortable before once again trudging back into the unpredictability of adult life.

Whatever happened to predictability, anyway?

Alright, let’s get weird. Are you ready for the Episode 1 review?

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From the opening frame, Jeff Franklin and company make it crystal flippin’ clear that this is a nostalgia trip, front and center. We get the original opening titles and theme song, before fast-forwarding to the present day. As each cast member makes their grand entrance into the Tanner kitchen, the studio audience is beyond eating it with a spoon. They’re slathering it over their gristle-smeared bodies with a ladle. Every catch phrase and wry look is met with an explosion of rapturous applause, and you can tell that the cast members themselves are just as happy to be there. It’s a feel-good moment.

We quickly get a reset on the last 21 years:

Danny is about to sell the house, as he and Becky are taking their show national and moving to LA. He’s married to a woman who has not yet been killed by a drunk driver, but hey, we’re only 45 seconds in to the pilot. Maybe this is going to be a gritty reboot.

Jesse is, of course, moving to LA with Becky. He’s composing music for General Hospital. As you would assume, both Jesse and Becky look stunningly beautiful for their age. Must be all the Greek yogurt. Fun Fact: Cam Newton is actually 41 years old.

Joey is a Vegas comic. I’m happier about this than I should be; I’ve been rooting for him ever since he controversially lost on Star Search in 1989. And hey, if Jeff Dumbass Dunham can be successful in 2016, Joey and Mr. Woodchuck sure as hell can, too. It’s not all that far-fetched if you look at it that way.

DJ is a veterinarian with three boys and zero husbands. He exploded in a fire. If he doesn’t explode in said fire, then Fuller House doesn’t exist. Therefore, we sort of have to be happy that he exploded in that fire.

Nicky and Alex are college students, and they eat tacos and smoke weed for a living. Later on, Becky makes it clear that she’s unfulfilled as a mother and hates what her children have become.

Stephanie is a touring DJ, and in a nice moment of life imitating art, she…has a bit of a wild past. She’s like Jodie Sweetin minus the meth stuff. People also tell me she looks a little different from the last time we saw her, but I honestly can’t see a difference. She was always a 5’9″ blonde with a 32E rack, right? (I had to use Google for that joke. And I’m sorry.)

Michelle runs a fashion empire in New York, and couldn’t make it out to the Bay Area for the get-together. This leads to an outstanding moment of fanservice as the cast breaks the fourth wall to reference the absence of the Olsen Twins. They know they only needed to cut a deal with one of them, right?

Hola, Tannerino’s! It’s Kimmy Gibbler! She’s a divorced event planner with a teenage daughter. Steph teases a British accent which magically disappears once she says “How rude!” followed by more orgasmic applause. I…I liked the accent.

We now meet Max, DJ’s middle son. Max is the physical manifestation of Full House‘s original humor. He’s cute, gets the cheesiest lines, has the new catchphrases (“Holy chalupas!”) and might be a sociopath (more on that next week). He says that “Donald Trump” is considered a dirty word in the house, which is equal parts topical and confusing, because he looks like a real Alex P. Keaton if you know what I mean. Also, the Tanner’s always seemed a bit apolitical to me.

DJ and the kids have been living with Danny for about a year since the exploding, but now that Danny’s selling the house, they have to find a new place to live. This leads us into an updated title sequence and theme song (performed by Carly Rae Jepsen) that is dope as hell, showing us the evolution of the characters throughout the years. I unabashedly admit to liking this song. When Jesse and the Rippers performed it on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last year, I realized that it probably should have been a minor radio hit in the late 80’s.

We get back to Steph holding DJ’s infant son, and we get our first boob joke of the season, maybe the first in the history of the series. So early on, and they’re doing their best to hit every mark and classic moment; we’ve got huddling, apologizing, hugging it out…look, we know why this is all happening, but it’s being done in the only way it could possibly be done. They get it, we get it, and we’re moving on.

We briefly see Danny’s wife Teri, who seems to be a bit of a hornball. She cannot wait for DJ and her goddamn kids to get out of Danny’s house already so they can hump again right proper.

Fernando is Kimmy’s ex-husband, who is obsessed with getting her back but is chronically unfaithful. The joke here (I guess?) is that the good-looking ladies’ man is obsessed with a dweeb like Kimmy, but they’re both sort of compatible idiots. Fernando reminds me of Fez from That 70’s Show.

Everyone shows up to Danny’s place for the going-away party. Steph is DJ’ing, and a NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK DANCE NUMBER BREAKS OUT. Another classic series callback. In walks Aladdin, er, Steve. Steve is the owner of Comet Jr. Jr., who is pregnant because why didn’t you fix that goddamn dog, Steve? Not enough Golden Retrievers in the world, you selfish, lazy prick? You’d think that his veterinarian ex-girlfriend of all people would have taken care of that years ago. All that notwithstanding, I have my…reservations about Steve, which I’ll get into in later episodes.

Jackson (DJ’s oldest son) asks Jesse about owning a motorcycle as a child, to which Jesse says, “This was the 70’s, when nobody cared about kids getting hurt.” This was probably my first laugh out loud moment of the episode. I ended up having more of those than I thought I would throughout the season.

DJ and Kimmy appear to be trying to set up Ramona (Kimmy’s daughter) and Jackson. If they knew that, in less than 10 minutes, they were about to live under the same roof, they probably wouldn’t have planted that seed in their brains. The Rippers make a quick cameo, and the family forces Jesse to sing ‘Forever.’ They call back to it being a hit in Japan, and hey, he can still sing!

Just kidding, it’s a studio version of him singing it from God knows what year. His lipsync game is on point, though. The Tanner’s must have gotten their share of noise complaints over the years.

Steve, now a divorced Podiatrist (solid), is still pining over DJ after all these years. He gorges on leftovers, and they imply he still has a bottomless appetite. Look, I’m ALL for the revisiting of jokes and character quirks, but I’m calling utter bullshit on this one. In the original series, Steve was an athletic, teenage captain of the wrestling team. His constant eating made perfect sense. But he’s like, 40 now. If we’re to believe that he’s kept this up for the last 25 years, he’d be no less than 700 pounds and would have lost both legs to diabetes long before Obama was even in office.

Jackson tries to pull a Tom Sawyer on Max regarding taking out the trash, and Ramona calls him out. Max has been cleaning up for Jackson because he thinks he IMPLANTED AN EXPLOSIVE IN HIS BRAIN THAT WILL BLOW HIS HEAD OFF. I’m not kidding.

Kimmy tells Danny that she peeped on him all throughout childhood. Danny is ‘Gibbler Satisfied.’

Real quick, I wanted to say that for some reason, I keep accidentally typing ‘Kimmy Kibbler,’ which would be a great name for a cat.

So, here we go with the main establishing of the series. DJ doesn’t know what to do. She has three kids, no house, an exploded husband and everyone’s leaving for greener pastures. Over the monitor (I think she did it on purpose), the family hears her dumping all of her problems onto the baby. Damn DJ, do you want to give Tommy a complex? Hearing this, literally everyone says they’re willing to put their life on hold for her (except for Jesse, which was a nice touch of reality). Danny and Becky turn down the biggest opportunity of their lives and Joey offers to commute from Vegas to SF. However, sanity (sort of) prevails, and it’s just Steph and Kimmy who decide to stay put. They move in with DJ, and Danny gives her the house.

Kimmy makes this decision without consulting with Ramona, which I feel is a bit of a dick move. She has to switch schools and everything. Danny must be swimming in cash to not put that house on the auction block. Max feigns a Fred Sanford-esque heart attack when he finds out he can have a puppy (Comet IV?). The family recreates a scene from the first episode where they all sing together, then everyone leaves the girls to fend for themselves. The End.

Wow. That’s one of the spinoffiest spinoff pilots that ever spun off. The way they wallowed in the success of past for a bit, then handed the ball off and set up the remainder of the season…you can argue quality and relevance all you want, but the effectiveness, awareness and nostalgia factor were rock-solid. I liked it.

And speaking of wallowing in it, let’s break Episode 1 down even further, with Cut It Out!

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– Joey is wearing a wedding ring, and series creator Jeff Franklin confirmed that he has a family (wife AND kids) back in Vegas. My current theory is that they didn’t make the trip to ‘Frisco because they’re ventriloquist dummies.

– Jesse has a new job as a music composer for General Hospital. He goes on to say, “They always hire the best actors on there.” This is a callback to Stamos starring on GH as Blackie Parrish.

– I can only assume the decision to have DJ widowed instead of divorced has to do with Candace Cameron-Bure (sister of Kirk Cameron-Batshit) and the conservative Christian idea that divorce is an irredeemable, unforgivable sin. Either that, or the Tanner’s just have some terrible, statistically-anomalous luck. If the show is ever rebooted a third time, expect the plot to revolve around one of DJs kids getting widowed.

– Maybe Kimmy became a party planner because of that one time everyone forgot her birthday, and DJ had to scramble at the last minute and it was just awful. Probably scarred her for life, and she devoted her adulthood to making sure nobody ever experienced that pain again.

Now, Full House was a relatively wholesome, G-rated series. But it’s 2016, baby! Let’s get ribald, with How Rude!

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– Jesse says that Becky has a firm butt and implied that they had sex last night. This happens, like, 10 seconds into the episode.

– Kimmy’s event planning business slogan: “When you’re ready to party, do it Gibbler-style!”

– The recently well-endowed Stephanie, when holding baby Tommy: “This may look like lunch, but the Dairy Queen’s closed.” Who eats lunch at a Dairy Queen, anyway?

– When Becky asks Jesse for another baby: “That ship has sailed, in fact it sunk…all seamen lost.” Katsopolis vasectomy confirmed.

– According to Fernando, Kimmy knows “long-lost secrets of the Kama Sutra from deepest, darkest India.” That must be part of what ‘Gibbler-Style’ is.

But hey, what’s old is new again, and Fuller House still relies heavily on the cheesiness and heartfelt moments of the original. Let’s touch upon this episode’s cheesiest moments with Have Mercy!

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– Kimmy says she may be having an acid flashback, but never took acid, so maybe it’s an antacid flashback. Steph should have made a drug joke here.

– Max…holy shit, Max. He gets all the lines that would have originally been written for Michelle or young Steph. “Comet having babies? This is better than Shark Week!”

– Danny interrupting ‘Forever’ with a cowbell solo was more than a little dated.

– The NKOTB dance number was…just kidding, that shit was awesome.

Your cheesy moments may vary.

And with that, the inaugural Fuller House Friday is in the books. Stop by next week, when we’ll review Episodes 2 and 3. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend.