The CDP In Review: Best Essays (2008-2010)

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Here now, the Best CDP Essays from 2008 to 2010. Some of these ended up in my second book, 2010’s Aerating The Mashed Potatoes. Enjoy.

‎’The Hole To Hell.
‎‎When you’re a little kid, hanging out you’re with your best friend, anything is possible.

I Have A Black Belt In Armchair Jiu-Jitsu.
‎How I injured myself watching people fight.

10 Hard-Hitting Questions.
‎I will ask you these questions when we meet, so you’d better brush up.

The Communist Search Party.
‎I once ran away from home because I didn’t want to finish writing my book. Here’s the saga.

Shoot To Kill.’
‎The day I turned down murdering an animal, and became a man.

A War Of Words With An Unarmed Man.’
‎I take on religion, e-mail spammers and bad album covers in one fell swoop. I actually had to consult with an attorney on this one.

A Feral, Angry Cantaloupe Of Hellfire And Awful.
‎Hedgehogs aren’t born awesome; they’re trained to be awesome. The rest just give you night terrors.

The Broken Elbow Quadrilogy.’
‎The Missus broke her elbow, and because of that, I hate Roller Derby.

The Leukemia Nickel.
‎The guilt-driven racket of the Leukemia Society.

One Week In Dubuque.’
‎A long weekend photoessay into one of the most surreal cities I’ve ever drunkenly wandered.

The Basement Treadmill Of The New Millennium.
‎On setting goals, becoming what you want to be, and eventually settling on what you already are.

I Still Do Weddings.’
‎I have officiated two weddings. Here’s the story behind one of them. Spoiler Alert: I get drunk at the reception, botch their license and ruin everything.

The Pre-CDP Essays.’
‎The Teen Years, the Band Years and the College Years. Pretty interesting stuff if you want to know how I became…you know…who I am.

Look At Me, I Can Use A Computer!
‎I honestly still don’t understand why people bring computers into coffee shops.

It’s All Okay.’
‎How a man being killed by a flying car battery changed my life forever.

The Walking Dead Friday – Season One.’
‎The entire collection of Walking Dead Friday. Zombies ahoy; I’m pretty good at recapping television shows, which is a lot like being good at nothing of significant worth.

Play Don’t.
‎My mom took me to therapy when I was a kid. It didn’t last long, and here’s why.

Why I Will Never Be The Host Of This Old House.’
‎Boiling water, exploding sump pumps, three feet of snow and proof positive that I have no business whatsoever owning a home.

Shop ‘Till You Drop (Or Stab Someone).
‎The time I got trolled at a supermarket and nearly stabbed a guy. A must-read.

To Here Knows When.
Just…look, I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but believe me, you don’t want my life.

Lost Friday – Season Six.’
Over the course of five years, I recapped about 100 episodes of Lost. Here’s all of ’em.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

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