Here now, the Best CDP Essays from 2008 to 2010. Some of these ended up in my second book, 2010’s Aerating The Mashed Potatoes. Enjoy.
’The Hole To Hell.‘
When you’re a little kid, hanging out you’re with your best friend, anything is possible.
‘I Have A Black Belt In Armchair Jiu-Jitsu.‘
How I injured myself watching people fight.
‘10 Hard-Hitting Questions.‘
I will ask you these questions when we meet, so you’d better brush up.
‘The Communist Search Party.‘
I once ran away from home because I didn’t want to finish writing my book. Here’s the saga.
‘Shoot To Kill.’
The day I turned down murdering an animal, and became a man.
‘A War Of Words With An Unarmed Man.’
I take on religion, e-mail spammers and bad album covers in one fell swoop. I actually had to consult with an attorney on this one.
‘A Feral, Angry Cantaloupe Of Hellfire And Awful.‘
Hedgehogs aren’t born awesome; they’re trained to be awesome. The rest just give you night terrors.
‘The Broken Elbow Quadrilogy.’
The Missus broke her elbow, and because of that, I hate Roller Derby.
‘The Leukemia Nickel.‘
The guilt-driven racket of the Leukemia Society.
‘One Week In Dubuque.’
A long weekend photoessay into one of the most surreal cities I’ve ever drunkenly wandered.
‘The Basement Treadmill Of The New Millennium.‘
On setting goals, becoming what you want to be, and eventually settling on what you already are.
‘I Still Do Weddings.’
I have officiated two weddings. Here’s the story behind one of them. Spoiler Alert: I get drunk at the reception, botch their license and ruin everything.
‘The Pre-CDP Essays.’
The Teen Years, the Band Years and the College Years. Pretty interesting stuff if you want to know how I became…you know…who I am.
‘Look At Me, I Can Use A Computer!‘
I honestly still don’t understand why people bring computers into coffee shops.
‘It’s All Okay.’
How a man being killed by a flying car battery changed my life forever.
‘The Walking Dead Friday – Season One.’
The entire collection of Walking Dead Friday. Zombies ahoy; I’m pretty good at recapping television shows, which is a lot like being good at nothing of significant worth.
My mom took me to therapy when I was a kid. It didn’t last long, and here’s why.
‘Why I Will Never Be The Host Of This Old House.’
Boiling water, exploding sump pumps, three feet of snow and proof positive that I have no business whatsoever owning a home.
‘Shop ‘Till You Drop (Or Stab Someone).‘
The time I got trolled at a supermarket and nearly stabbed a guy. A must-read.
‘To Here Knows When.‘
Just…look, I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but believe me, you don’t want my life.
‘Lost Friday – Season Six.’
Over the course of five years, I recapped about 100 episodes of Lost. Here’s all of ’em.
Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.