The CDP In Review: Best Essays (2006-2008)


Here now, the Best CDP Essays from 2006 to 2008. Hereby known as the ‘Golden Era.’

Twenty Photographs Of Door County.
Sometimes, a weekend away from everything with a few good friends is better than the most expensive vacation money can buy. This was not one of those times.

1989 CDP Evaluation.
My First Grade teacher was a vindictive, awful, unintentionally hilarious woman.

The CDP vs. PETA.
I take on PETA and win. Kind of.

Eat Me, Cake.
One of my favorite bands declares unwarranted chemical warfare on their fans.

The Geek.Kon Aftermath.
I enter a Guitar Hero tournament at a bona fide Nerd Convention, and make an unforgivable mistake during my ascent to immortality.

My iPod ‘Asploded.
Apple doesn’t care about me, my car, or my money.

A Ziploc Bag Full Of Chocolate Chip Cookies.
The feel-good essay of the decade.

Who Wants To Date An Internet Has-Been?
I deal with being washed-up before anyone even knew who I was.

Shove That Crystal Ball Straight Up Your Chute.
Sylvia Browne and other psychics are called to task.

Snap, Crackle, Poop.
Never exercise, because you’ll probably break something and ruin your life.

Your Karma Ran Over My Legma.
I am Even Steven. This is not a blessing, and it nearly leads to my death on the freeway.

Kickin’ It With Cliff.
Did you know I have an older brother? Enjoy one of my weirder, rare forays into fiction.

26 Things That Suck About Turning 26.
Most of these still ring true now that I’m about to turn 30.

Grumble, Alone, Grumble, Polysics.
An epic featuring a sleep study, loneliness, Japanese punk rock and the scariest venue in Milwaukee.

A Life Without Tires.
I need to be a more dependable and trustworthy person, and a blown tire made me realize that.

Talking Sex With The CDP.
Dim the lights and set the mood.

Adventures In Cyber Sex.
Dim the lights and set the…oh man, this is wrong.

Everything Plus One.
I love my wife. Here is one of the many times I have proclaimed that in public.

You Have No Idea What ‘Having No Idea’ Means.
Will I renounce Agnosticism for true love? Yes. Yes I will. It doesn’t mean I’ll succeed, though. Here’s a tragic tale for the ages.

Meet The New American Gladiators.
Speaking of tragic tales, here’s my tribute to the greatest show to almost instantly get pulled from the air, the reboot of American Gladiators.

Don’t You Go Forgetting About Me.
I had a physical relationship with a teacher once. For realsies. Check it out; it’s sort of beautiful and crazy and even crazier still.

Boom Goes The Spider Bite.
Ever fall into a toilet trying to kill a spider? Enjoy a story that will remind you why I have to write down the things that happen to me.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

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