The CDP In Review: Best Essays (2004-2006)


Here now, the Best CDP Essays from 2004 to 2006, voted on by myself and nobody else. Some of these essays ended up in my 2007 book, 65 Poor Life Decisions. Most did not.

Good Morning, Dark Lord.”
When my band played a show in Upper Michigan, we didn’t realize we’d end up in an argument with a mob of Christian Conservatives.

Adventures In Broadcasting.”
Shortly after snagging a job announcing High School basketball games, I end up implicated in one of the biggest sports scandals in Winneconne history.

The Price I Pay.”
I hate this guy. Still do, actually.

The Long And Winding Road.”
One of the weirdest weekend vacations of my life: Swingers, fake cruise ships and a Beatles tribute band.

I Just Don’t Understand.”
Please don’t steal from me. It hurts my feelings.

On Getting My Head Chainsawed Off.”
On getting back into video gaming, and wetting one’s pants with fear.

The Toronto Diaries.”
I spent eight days in Toronto with my best friends. Everything went wrong, and here’s proof.

Support Your Local Cat.”
Everyone likes cats on the Internet. Here’s a story about mine.

Razor Burn.”
I talk beards before the hipsters ruined them for everyone.

Harry Potter – The IMAX Experience.”
A cranky old man rant about the state of movie theaters (and films themselves).

Where’s My Promotion?
Sometimes, offices trust their lowliest employees with unbelievably expensive things. At one time, I was that employee.

10 Stupid Jobs.”
I am the #1 Google search for ‘Stupid Jobs,’ a legacy I’ll probably take to my grave. Not sure if I’m proud of this or not, but it’s definitely a thing.

It’s My Costume.”
Worst Halloween ever. End of story.

Subbin’ It Up.”
I cut this essay from my book because I thought the tone was too mean. You be the judge.

Insect Karma Revolt.”
If this essay, about an office battle to the death with a horsefly, doesn’t make you laugh, you have no business being here.

Tackling Reggie White.”
I’ve heard from many people that this is their favorite CDP essay. Hall-Of-Famer Reggie White adds me to his list of decimated defensive enemies.

The CDP’s Guide To Vegetarianism.”
Want to go vegetarian? Here’s an easy way to do it.

No Scents Whatsoever.”
I was never good with the ladies. Here’s how a decent attempt at love ended up with a near trip to the hospital (and jail).

You’re A Woman, I’m A Machine.”
Ever sit through a three hour Timeshare pitch in an attempt to snag free plane tickets to Hawaii? I did.

The Homecoming Quadrilogy.”
Someday this will be made into a movie. Here’s one night of my teenage life that, sadly, was like dozens more I haven’t written about yet. Really, you’re going to want to read this Four-part epic.

After the 2004 Presidential Elections, I started a political cartoon. Seriously. Ran for several months. Check it out, most of them are still funny.

The Worst Album Covers Of All-Time.”
One of the first CDP essays to go viral, here’s a snapshot of the worst album covers ever, containing my trademark witty banter.

The Loud Neighbor Sextet.”
Our apartment neighbors kept us awake for months with their frantic lovemaking. So we decided to go to war. One of us eventually moved out as a result. Another must-read.

My First Job.”
My first job. The very reason I started the CDP in the first place was to talk about the Hardware Store that supplied me with income from 1999-2002. Essential viewing, this.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

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