Thirty Years. Ten Bucks.

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The Missus is going to kill me for this.

So, I’m turning 30 this week, and I wanted to do something fun and relevant to celebrate the occasion, so here goes:

This week only (now through 2/4/12), you can buy a signed and Priority-shipped copy of Aerating The Mashed Potatoes for $10.

That’s it. Send $10 (check/cash) to:

theCDP.
PO Box 865
Sun Prairie, WI
53590

…And a signed copy of Aerating will be shipped to you immediately. Simple as that. I have a limited quantity of these books, so it’s first-come, first-serve. In fact, just go ahead and do this right now. Let me know if you have any questions, and remember that it’s this week only. Thanks much.

The CDP In Review: Best Lists/Countdowns.

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Over the last eight years, the CDP has ranked, sorted, filed and counted down nearly every facet of music, television and film. This is due to equal parts OCD, an obsession with Pop Culture and possibly undiagnosed Autism. Here now, a massive selection of some of the most popular lists and countdowns in CDP history. Enjoy.

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Top Albums Of 2011 (20-16)
Top Albums Of 2011 (15-11)
Top Albums Of 2011 (10-6)
Top Albums Of 2011 (5-1)

Top Songs Of 2010
Top Albums Of 2010 (20-16)
Top Albums Of 2010 (15-11)
Top Albums Of 2010 (10-6)
Top Albums Of 2010 (5-1)

Top Albums Of The Decade (250-201)
Top Albums Of The Decade (200-176)
Top Albums Of The Decade (175-151)
Top Albums Of The Decade (150-126)
Top Albums Of The Decade (125-101)
Top Albums Of The Decade (100-76)
Top Albums Of The Decade (75-51)
Top Albums Of The Decade (50-31)
Top Albums Of The Decade (30-11)
Top Albums Of The Decade (10-1)

Top 3rd Wave Ska Albums (50-41)
Top 3rd Wave Ska Albums (40-31)
Top 3rd Wave Ska Albums (30-21)
Top 3rd Wave Ska Albums (20-11)
Top 3rd Wave Ska Albums (10-1)

‘A Lifetime Of Music’ List
Top 20 Music Videos Of The Decade
Top 20 Concerts Of The Decade

Top Albums Of 2009

Top Songs Of 2008
Top Albums Of 2008 (20-16)
Top Albums Of 2008 (15-11)
Top Albums Of 2008 (10-6)
Top Albums Of 2008 (5-1)

Top Songs Of 2007
Top Albums Of 2007 (20-16)
Top Albums Of 2007 (15-11)
Top Albums Of 2007 (10-6)
Top Albums Of 2007 (5-1)

Top Albums Of 2006 (20-16)
Top Albums Of 2006 (15-11)
Top Albums Of 2006 (10-6)
Top Albums Of 2006 (5-1)

Top Albums Of 2005 (20-16)
Top Albums Of 2005 (15-11)
Top Albums Of 2005 (10-6)
Top Albums Of 2005 (5-1)

Top Albums Of The 90’s (150-101)
Top Albums Of The 90’s (100-71)
Top Albums Of The 90’s (70-41)
Top Albums Of The 90’s (40-21)
Top Albums Of The 90’s (20-1)

Worst Album Covers Of All-Time (Part 1)
Worst Album Covers Of All-Time (Part 2)

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Top 10 TV Shows Of 2010

Top 10 TV Shows Of The Decade (10-6)
Top 10 TV Shows Of The Decade (5-1)

Top 20 TV Shows Of All-Time (20-11)
Top 20 TV Shows Of All-Time (10-1)

‘A Lifetime Of TV Shows’ List
Best ‘Instantly Canceled’ TV Shows Of The Decade
Analysis Of The Most Popular TV Shows Of The Decade
Worst TV Shows Of The Decade

Top TV Shows Of The 90’s (30-21)
Top TV Shows Of The 90’s (20-16)
Top TV Shows Of The 90’s (15-11)
Top TV Shows Of The 90’s (10-6)
Top TV Shows Of The 90’s (5-1)

Worst Simpsons Episodes Ever
Best Simpsons Episodes Of All-Time (10-6)
Best Simpsons Episodes Of All-Time (5-1)

Top 25 UFC Moments Of All-Time

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Top 15 Nintendo Games Of All-Time
Top 30 Atari Games Of All-Time (30-16)
Top 30 Atari Games Of All-Time (15-1)
Top 20 Super Nintendo Games Of All-Time
Top 20 Sega Genesis Games Of All-Time

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Top Movies Of The Decade (30-21)
Top Movies Of The Decade (20-16)
Top Movies Of The Decade (15-11)
Top Movies Of The Decade (10-6)
Top Movies Of The Decade (5-1)

Top Movies Of The 90’s (100-81)
Top Movies Of The 90’s (80-61)
Top Movies Of The 90’s (60-41)
Top Movies Of The 90’s (40-21)
Top Movies Of The 90’s (20-1)

That ought to hold you for a little while. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend.

The CDP In Review: Best Essays (2011)

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Here now, 11 of the Best CDP Essays from 2011, listed in ascending order of greatness. None of these essays are available in book form or anywhere else; enjoy.

#11. ‘Tat’s All Folks.‘ – 1/11/11
My first tattoo doesn’t turn into a humiliating failure. Yet.

#10. ‘Canceling The Simpsons? Best Idea Ever.‘ – 10/10/11
Why the greatest television show of all-time needs to leave to remain relevant.

#9. ‘The Most Realistic Video Game Ever Made.‘ – 7/18/11
How UFC Undisputed blew my mind right out the back of my skull.

#8. ‘The La Crosse Incident.‘ – 8/8/11
Possibly the most paranormal experience I’ve ever had.

#7. ‘Happy 7th Anniversary; Sorry I Ruined Your Life.‘ – 7/11/11
The anniversary we spent in the cabin of a tow truck.

#6. ‘The Cutest Loser.‘ – 10/17/11
The Missus accomplishes something nearly miraculous.

#5. ‘Somebody Must Have Stepped On A Butterfly.‘ – 7/27/11
Time Travel exists, and I have proof in the form of a children’s book.

#4. ‘Identity Theft Is Unfortunate.‘ – 4/18/11
Waking up to no money in your bank account is a humbling, terrifying, infuriating experience.

#3. ‘The Golden Briefcase.‘ – 6/20/11
The Summer I spent peddling pornography and mowing lawns.

#2. ‘2011 State Of The CDP Speech.‘ – 12/26/11
I’m nearly 30; it’s time to do something else for awhile.

#1. ‘So Long, And Thanks For Laughing At My Poop Stories.‘ – 2/18/11
Thanks, indeed. How a day at a High School changed my perceptions of nearly everything.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

The CDP In Review: Best Essays (2008-2010)

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Here now, the Best CDP Essays from 2008 to 2010. Some of these ended up in my second book, 2010’s Aerating The Mashed Potatoes. Enjoy.

‎’The Hole To Hell.
‎‎When you’re a little kid, hanging out you’re with your best friend, anything is possible.

I Have A Black Belt In Armchair Jiu-Jitsu.
‎How I injured myself watching people fight.

10 Hard-Hitting Questions.
‎I will ask you these questions when we meet, so you’d better brush up.

The Communist Search Party.
‎I once ran away from home because I didn’t want to finish writing my book. Here’s the saga.

Shoot To Kill.’
‎The day I turned down murdering an animal, and became a man.

A War Of Words With An Unarmed Man.’
‎I take on religion, e-mail spammers and bad album covers in one fell swoop. I actually had to consult with an attorney on this one.

A Feral, Angry Cantaloupe Of Hellfire And Awful.
‎Hedgehogs aren’t born awesome; they’re trained to be awesome. The rest just give you night terrors.

The Broken Elbow Quadrilogy.’
‎The Missus broke her elbow, and because of that, I hate Roller Derby.

The Leukemia Nickel.
‎The guilt-driven racket of the Leukemia Society.

One Week In Dubuque.’
‎A long weekend photoessay into one of the most surreal cities I’ve ever drunkenly wandered.

The Basement Treadmill Of The New Millennium.
‎On setting goals, becoming what you want to be, and eventually settling on what you already are.

I Still Do Weddings.’
‎I have officiated two weddings. Here’s the story behind one of them. Spoiler Alert: I get drunk at the reception, botch their license and ruin everything.

The Pre-CDP Essays.’
‎The Teen Years, the Band Years and the College Years. Pretty interesting stuff if you want to know how I became…you know…who I am.

Look At Me, I Can Use A Computer!
‎I honestly still don’t understand why people bring computers into coffee shops.

It’s All Okay.’
‎How a man being killed by a flying car battery changed my life forever.

The Walking Dead Friday – Season One.’
‎The entire collection of Walking Dead Friday. Zombies ahoy; I’m pretty good at recapping television shows, which is a lot like being good at nothing of significant worth.

Play Don’t.
‎My mom took me to therapy when I was a kid. It didn’t last long, and here’s why.

Why I Will Never Be The Host Of This Old House.’
‎Boiling water, exploding sump pumps, three feet of snow and proof positive that I have no business whatsoever owning a home.

Shop ‘Till You Drop (Or Stab Someone).
‎The time I got trolled at a supermarket and nearly stabbed a guy. A must-read.

To Here Knows When.
Just…look, I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but believe me, you don’t want my life.

Lost Friday – Season Six.’
Over the course of five years, I recapped about 100 episodes of Lost. Here’s all of ’em.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

The CDP In Review: Best Essays (2006-2008)

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Here now, the Best CDP Essays from 2006 to 2008. Hereby known as the ‘Golden Era.’

Twenty Photographs Of Door County.
Sometimes, a weekend away from everything with a few good friends is better than the most expensive vacation money can buy. This was not one of those times.

1989 CDP Evaluation.
My First Grade teacher was a vindictive, awful, unintentionally hilarious woman.

The CDP vs. PETA.
I take on PETA and win. Kind of.

Eat Me, Cake.
One of my favorite bands declares unwarranted chemical warfare on their fans.

The Geek.Kon Aftermath.
I enter a Guitar Hero tournament at a bona fide Nerd Convention, and make an unforgivable mistake during my ascent to immortality.

My iPod ‘Asploded.
Apple doesn’t care about me, my car, or my money.

A Ziploc Bag Full Of Chocolate Chip Cookies.
The feel-good essay of the decade.

Who Wants To Date An Internet Has-Been?
I deal with being washed-up before anyone even knew who I was.

Shove That Crystal Ball Straight Up Your Chute.
Sylvia Browne and other psychics are called to task.

Snap, Crackle, Poop.
Never exercise, because you’ll probably break something and ruin your life.

Your Karma Ran Over My Legma.
I am Even Steven. This is not a blessing, and it nearly leads to my death on the freeway.

Kickin’ It With Cliff.
Did you know I have an older brother? Enjoy one of my weirder, rare forays into fiction.

26 Things That Suck About Turning 26.
Most of these still ring true now that I’m about to turn 30.

Grumble, Alone, Grumble, Polysics.
An epic featuring a sleep study, loneliness, Japanese punk rock and the scariest venue in Milwaukee.

A Life Without Tires.
I need to be a more dependable and trustworthy person, and a blown tire made me realize that.

Talking Sex With The CDP.
Dim the lights and set the mood.

Adventures In Cyber Sex.
Dim the lights and set the…oh man, this is wrong.

Everything Plus One.
I love my wife. Here is one of the many times I have proclaimed that in public.

You Have No Idea What ‘Having No Idea’ Means.
Will I renounce Agnosticism for true love? Yes. Yes I will. It doesn’t mean I’ll succeed, though. Here’s a tragic tale for the ages.

Meet The New American Gladiators.
Speaking of tragic tales, here’s my tribute to the greatest show to almost instantly get pulled from the air, the reboot of American Gladiators.

Don’t You Go Forgetting About Me.
I had a physical relationship with a teacher once. For realsies. Check it out; it’s sort of beautiful and crazy and even crazier still.

Boom Goes The Spider Bite.
Ever fall into a toilet trying to kill a spider? Enjoy a story that will remind you why I have to write down the things that happen to me.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

The CDP In Review: Best Essays (2004-2006)

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Here now, the Best CDP Essays from 2004 to 2006, voted on by myself and nobody else. Some of these essays ended up in my 2007 book, 65 Poor Life Decisions. Most did not.

Good Morning, Dark Lord.”
When my band played a show in Upper Michigan, we didn’t realize we’d end up in an argument with a mob of Christian Conservatives.

Adventures In Broadcasting.”
Shortly after snagging a job announcing High School basketball games, I end up implicated in one of the biggest sports scandals in Winneconne history.

The Price I Pay.”
I hate this guy. Still do, actually.

The Long And Winding Road.”
One of the weirdest weekend vacations of my life: Swingers, fake cruise ships and a Beatles tribute band.

I Just Don’t Understand.”
Please don’t steal from me. It hurts my feelings.

On Getting My Head Chainsawed Off.”
On getting back into video gaming, and wetting one’s pants with fear.

The Toronto Diaries.”
I spent eight days in Toronto with my best friends. Everything went wrong, and here’s proof.

Support Your Local Cat.”
Everyone likes cats on the Internet. Here’s a story about mine.

Razor Burn.”
I talk beards before the hipsters ruined them for everyone.

Harry Potter – The IMAX Experience.”
A cranky old man rant about the state of movie theaters (and films themselves).

Where’s My Promotion?
Sometimes, offices trust their lowliest employees with unbelievably expensive things. At one time, I was that employee.

10 Stupid Jobs.”
I am the #1 Google search for ‘Stupid Jobs,’ a legacy I’ll probably take to my grave. Not sure if I’m proud of this or not, but it’s definitely a thing.

It’s My Costume.”
Worst Halloween ever. End of story.

Subbin’ It Up.”
I cut this essay from my book because I thought the tone was too mean. You be the judge.

Insect Karma Revolt.”
If this essay, about an office battle to the death with a horsefly, doesn’t make you laugh, you have no business being here.

Tackling Reggie White.”
I’ve heard from many people that this is their favorite CDP essay. Hall-Of-Famer Reggie White adds me to his list of decimated defensive enemies.

The CDP’s Guide To Vegetarianism.”
Want to go vegetarian? Here’s an easy way to do it.

No Scents Whatsoever.”
I was never good with the ladies. Here’s how a decent attempt at love ended up with a near trip to the hospital (and jail).

You’re A Woman, I’m A Machine.”
Ever sit through a three hour Timeshare pitch in an attempt to snag free plane tickets to Hawaii? I did.

The Homecoming Quadrilogy.”
Someday this will be made into a movie. Here’s one night of my teenage life that, sadly, was like dozens more I haven’t written about yet. Really, you’re going to want to read this Four-part epic.

Intro-Feedback-Setup-Punchline-Repeat.”
After the 2004 Presidential Elections, I started a political cartoon. Seriously. Ran for several months. Check it out, most of them are still funny.

The Worst Album Covers Of All-Time.”
One of the first CDP essays to go viral, here’s a snapshot of the worst album covers ever, containing my trademark witty banter.

The Loud Neighbor Sextet.”
Our apartment neighbors kept us awake for months with their frantic lovemaking. So we decided to go to war. One of us eventually moved out as a result. Another must-read.

My First Job.”
My first job. The very reason I started the CDP in the first place was to talk about the Hardware Store that supplied me with income from 1999-2002. Essential viewing, this.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

The CDP In Review: 2010

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(Originally published 12/20/10. I didn’t do a 2011 Review, so this is the last one of these you’re going to get. More cool stuff next week, though.)

What did 2010 mean to you? Seriously, I’d like to know. While I accomplished much, I feel like I may have sleepwalked through the bulk of it, zombified by my own deadlines and routine. Judging by the current mindset and mentality of those around me, we’re all skidding collectively into 2011 on fumes; exhausted, beaten and completely unsure of what tomorrow holds.

It’s like an epic film, only in real life, that’s not as fun as it sounds. Mostly we’re just tired all the time.

In January, I made my intentions known to publish my second book by the end of the year. This became my top priority, dropping me into a self-imposed Boot Camp that I only emerged from just a few weeks ago. I think I wrote some good posts over the last year, and I’m certain that things happened on a national scale that effected me personally, but I’ll be damned if I can remember any of them right now.

I got up (most days), went to the office, went home, wrote a few pages and went to sleep. For nine straight months. I also may have drank a few cups of coffee, gotten drunk a few hundred times and took a shower or two, but that has to be the extent of my deviations. When I commit, I commit like a psycho. I created something in Aerating The Mashed Potatoes that I’m pretty fond of, but just like when I wrote Book #1 in 2007, the blog tended to get neglected at times.

Fortunately, The CDP Year In Review is here to remind us exactly what went down over the last 350-some days. Read along, click the links and have fun. You might learn something; I know I did.

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January 6 – Kicking off the year in style, I have four impacted Wisdom Teeth removed. I almost instantly develop an addiction to muscle relaxers, which actually may explain why I don’t remember too much about what else happened this year.

January 14 – I revisit a childhood memory: Digging a hole straight through to hell.

January 18 – Turning down the chance to murder another living thing says a lot about the character of a child.

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February 5 – The first Lost Friday of the final season, another thousand pages of jokes and captions. The only people on the planet that wrote more about Lost were the writers of the show themselves.

February 16 – The CDP turns 6. Its baby teeth are all messed up, but in a cute way.

February 24 – The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade #7 arrives to much cheering and acclaim from music nerds on every coast.

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March 12 – My first (and last) Lost Friday Liveblog. This is fun to do, but I get the sneaking suspicion everyone else hates it.

March 17 – My Favorite TV Theme Songs. I’m officially out of things to rank.

March 26 – The greatest episode of Lost ever? The greatest Lost beard ever?

March 31 – Why (sane) adults don’t go to Cost Cutters.

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April 2 – Another great Lost Friday as the series begins to wind down. We started to come to the sad realization that almost none of our questions would be answered, which I actually found hilarious. Joke was on us.

April 20 – A little write-up I did about the Lost producers visiting Madison. They also wrote the new TRON movie, too.

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May 21Lost Friday – ‘What They Died For.’ So many deaths.

May 28Lost Friday – ‘The End.’ Faith wins the ‘Science v. Faith’ argument, but only in a fictional sense.

May 31 – Now that Lost is out of the way, I start catching up and focusing on the book. I debate calling Book #2 Pinkerton, but the Missus talks me out of it because she likes it when I make money.

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June 9 – Buy my old book before you buy my new one. Not the other way around, please. It’s a fine book, but I don’t want you to step backwards through my evolution as a writer. Then again, my mom liked the first one better, so I could be wrong on this.

June 14 – Speaking of mom, here’s one of the better essays featuring her dysfunctional relationship with me.

June 30 – Nothing like a borderline Nervous Breakdown to make you re-evaluate stuff.

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July 12-16My Top 30 TV Shows of the 90’s. Melrose Place mysteriously absent.

July 19-23My Top 100 Movies of the 90’s. It’s Pat!: The Movie mysteriously absent.

July 26-30My Top 150 Albums of the 90’s. Toad The Wet Sprocket mysteriously absent.

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August 2 – The 8th (and final) Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade. For now.

August 16 – My 2010 Emmy picks. I did very well, yet won nothing. I got what I deserved.

August 23 – My Annual Fall TV Preview delivers the goods once again. This is usually one of my favorite posts of the year.

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September 6 – I announce the title of my almost-finished book. The world collectively shrugs, says, ‘Wuh?’ and goes back to cleaning the refrigerator.

September 20-24My Top 50 Ska Albums of All-Time. I’m an expert; don’t dispute me.

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October 4The Walking Dead Friday replaces Lost Friday…for a little while. I commit to recapping 6 episodes, thinking for sure that the show would flop and be canceled. It becomes the biggest basic cable hit of all-time.

October 18 – The book is done. I have patience. I have drive. I have determination. Another goal accomplished…ladies.

October 22 – The cover of Aerating The Mashed Potatoes is revealed. The literary world scrambles to catch up with its pure beauty and Pop Culture brilliance. Lawsuits are flung from every corner of the globe.

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November 2Aerating The Mashed Potatoes is unleashed to an unsuspecting (and still unsuspecting) public. Apparently, people don’t like laughing until they piss their pants anymore.

November 5 – The debut of The Walking Dead Friday. I miss Amy already.

November 15 – My celebrity status can’t even sell out a Chuck-E-Cheese.

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December 10 – The Season 1 Finale of The Walking Dead Friday. Goodnight, sweet zombie.

December 13 – My favorite Tracks of 2010. Young Money’s ‘Bedrock’ is criminally overlooked.

December 14-17My favorite Albums of 2010. Not a fantastic year, but decent nonetheless. Just like the CDP.

Well, there you have it. 2010, revisited through the eyes of the CDP. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.