Father Swimcoach Scoutmaster, No!


1. “Hey, What Are You Listening To?

2010 has already been a pretty decent year for album releases. Here are the last 8 albums I’ve purchased, all great in their own way, and all of which have been released this year:

Sleigh Bells – Treats
The Hold Steady – Heaven Is Whenever
Yeasayer – Odd Blood
The Tallest Man On Earth – The Wild Hunt
Titus Andronicus – The Monitor
Ted Leo & The Pharmacists – The Brutalist Bricks
Fang Island – Fang Island
The National – High Violet

One of the most anticipated releases of 2010 for me is The Suburbs, the third album by Arcade Fire, coming out on August 3 in the states. Arcade Fire is a two-time ‘Album Of The Year’ winner here on the CDP (2004 & 2007), and Funeral also snagged ‘Album Of The Decade‘ accolades last December. Needless to say, I’m looking forward to it.


2. “Hey, What Are You Watching?

Not a whole lot, now that Summer’s here. My DVR queue is down to a modest 10-12 hours a week of television, mostly pro wrestling and cable stuff like Mythbusters, The Ultimate Fighter and Tosh.0. I enjoy these moments before the upcoming Fall season; they give me a chance to crack a few books, work harder on writing stuff, and occasionally tell my wife that I love her.

However, now that the 2009-2010 Season is officially over, here are my Top 10 favorites:

10. The Simpsons (FOX)
9. Destination Truth (SYFY)
8. Mythbusters (DISC)
7. Saturday Night Live (NBC)
6. Community (NBC)
5. 30 Rock (NBC)
4. Parks & Recreation (NBC)
3. Modern Family (ABC)
2. Friday Night Lights (101/NBC)
1. Lost (ABC)

I must admit, however, that I’ve recently become obsessed with the ridiculous nonsense known as Minute To Win It. I got roped into this thing like a sucker, and fell for their over-the-top production and asinine stunts. When I first turned it on, I said, “This is idiotic; we’re changing the channel.” 30 minutes later, and I’m on the edge of my seat, screaming “NO WAY IS HE GOING TO SORT THOSE M&Ms IN TIME!”


3. “Hey, How’s The Book Coming Along?

Quite nicely. I have completed drafts of 50 essays, with another 10 to be written this Summer. If all goes well, the book itself should be wrapped up in September, and hopefully released in late October. If you don’t see too much of me over the next few months, you’ll know what I’m up to.

Unlike 65 Poor Life Decisions, there’s going to be at least 15 brand-new essays in the new book, which I’m looking forward to getting out there for people to read. I have no idea what it took three years for me to go from Book #1 to Book #2, but I’m hoping that Book #3 won’t be so far off next time.


4. “Hey, What’s New With The Technical Side Of The CDP?

I optimized the CDP for Smartphone compatibility, but I don’t like the way it looks, so I’m currently looking into new programs. So, if you check out the CDP on your iPhone or Blackberry sometime in the near future, you’ll probably say, “This has potential, but it sort of sucks right now.” I totally agree with you; we’re getting there.

As far as Home Base goes, I’m talking to Blogger about why my Archives are messed up. The home page is displaying random numbers of essays each day (it’s supposed to be the last 10 essays, but it’s been as few as two in recent weeks), and my monthly Archives are not complete (no essays have been deleted, it’s just that some cannot be accessed through the Archives right now). Again, I’m working on it. This has never happened before, and I hope to fix it soon. Fortunately, neither of these things are a huge deal; I’m assuming you didn’t even notice it.


5. “Hey, Anything Else You Want To Tell Me?

Yes, almost forgot. Keep an eye on the CDP this Summer, as I have a huge project that I hope to unveil in the upcoming weeks (it’s not the book, either). For fans of nostalgia, pop culture and humor (so, all of you), I think you’ll get a kick out of it.

Thanks for reading. Sound off in the comments section, enjoy your day and let us know how you plan to spend the first few weeks of Summer.

Lost Friday – "The End."


The final Lost Friday is upon us.

There are two big things I want to mention before I dig into the final recap. First and foremost, I want to sincerely thank everyone who has followed along with Lost Friday for the last five years. Since 2004, the CDP has earned a reputation for personal essays, pop culture nostalgia and Mix-Tape trades, and amongst all of that, we still had time to recap about 100 episodes of my favorite television show, and the fact that you all came along for the ride has been a lot of fun.

Lost Friday was a labor of love, but it was also a lot of work. I’d estimate that I’ve lost about 1000 hours of much-needed sleep since my first recap, and the cost of my massive Photobucket account runs me about $80 a year. Hundreds of Photoshopped and uploaded images. Thousands of jokes. Millions of words. Some days were harder than others, but I’ve sincerely enjoyed every minute of it. At the end of every season, I tried to quit, only to receive dozens of e-mails and comments telling me to come back for one more year. That’s a really nice thing to do for a guy, and I’ve always appreciated every nice thing said about Lost Friday. Nothing makes me happier than when someone tells me how funny they thought something I wrote was; the fact that I got to be obsessive over Lost, mercilessly mock it and get people laughing to boot? Bliss.

For those of you who visit the CDP solely for Lost Friday, let me remind you that Lost Friday only constituted less than 10% of what the CDP has to offer. I’m a published author currently working on Book #2, and I strongly encourage you to dig around and stay awhile. Subsequently, for those of you who are CDP fans that never cared for Lost, then I can imagine this is a good day for you. You’ll once again have me all to yourself starting in June.

So once again, thank you. I hope you enjoyed Lost Friday.

The second thing I wanted to mention was the finale of Lost itself. You would think that for an Atheist that focuses on the minutiae of…well…everything, the finale would have been a supreme letdown for me. What about the significance of the Numbers? What about Walt? Why did Dharma keep getting food drops in 2004?

However, once I realized the main theme of the show (characters, redemption and faith), the superficial stuff just didn’t matter anymore. Had I gotten a scientific conclusion over a spiritual one, I doubt I would have been half as fulfilled, even if I got twice the answers. I loved the final act of the show, I loved the final act on the Island, and I thought it was as perfect a finale as we could have asked for. We’ve seen some spectacular episodes, and we’ve seen some trash (not much, but some), and I feel that ‘The End’ is arguably as good as the series ever was.

Jack Shephard was never my favorite character; not even in my Top 5, quite frankly. However, this show was centered around him, and thus the finale was centered around him, and boy did they deliver. By the end of the series, Matthew Fox was holding his own with some of the best actors and actresses on television, and in the final scenes of ‘The End,’ it was impossible to not be proud of the guy for what he’d done. You want to talk about redemption.

So yes, I liked the finale. Loved it, even. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

Enough grandstanding and pansy talk, let’s start recapping the Series Finale with the final Thick & Meatyever!


Flash-Sideways Timeline: Outside The Church

While Kate waits in Hurley’s Camaro, Desmond claims ownership for the body of Christian Shephard, as UPS will give up even corpses to the first person possessing hands with which to sign off. When Kate asks Desmond why he sprung her out of jail in order to attend a concert, he replies that ‘nobody can tell you why you’re here,’ and what he really wants is ‘to leave.’

This sounds very emotional and deep in hindsight, until you realize that he was merely referring to the fact that he wanted to eat lunch at the Olive Garden two towns over. Say what you want, those breadsticks are mind-blowing.

At The Flightline Motel

Hurley arrives at the Flightline with Sayid, on a mission to get an absurdly-inebriated Charlie to perform at the concert. Hurley tries to sway Charlie by telling him that ‘it’s the most important thing he’ll ever do,’ and considering that he never got to sleep with Claire, he’s essentially correct. When Charlie gets distracted by a cloud that looks like a bottle of Jameson, Hurley shoots him with a tranquilizer gun and tosses him into the back of his Hummer.

This is the exact same way my wife got me to go to Dubuque with her last Spring.

At The Benefit Concert

Hurley and Sayid arrive at the concert. Miles, who has also just arrived, spots Sayid and calls Sawyer to tell him he’s escaped from jail. Miles asks him to check on Sun at the hospital, to see that she’s okay.

It is at this time that I would like to remind everyone that Yunjin Kim is following me on Twitter, thus completing Phase 1 of the 28-Phase process that culminates on our wedding day. Not many people realize that the name ‘Ji Yeon’ is Korean for ‘Son of Pale Norweigan.’ Now you know.

At St. Sebastian Hospital

Juliet shows up to give Sun an ultrasound, which triggers Sun’s ‘Realization Moment,’ flashing back to when Juliet gave Sun an ultrasound on the Island. As Jin and Sun always seemed to function in tandem, this also works as Jin’s Realization Moment as well. Never underestimate the dimension-obliterating power of a radioactive wand, Astroglide and a taut, Korean tummy.

They also start speaking English as well, because they remember now. Apparently, they use Rosetta Stone software in the Afterlife.

Over in a significantly less sexy hospital room, Jack is prepping Locke for his surgery. Jack jokingly tells Locke that there’s a chance he could kill him, thus making 10 million Easter Egg nerds simultaneously moisten themselves with glee.

Jack and Juliet pass in the hallway, where it’s finally revealed that they were once married. This goes down as the second worst-kept secret in Lost history, just behind ‘Does Island Claire smell like pennies and black olives?’

(Answer: Yes.)

Outside A Bar

Sayid and Hurley observe a fistfight between Boone and an unnamed asshole who pushed Shannon to the ground. Sayid rushed to her aid, giving them both their Realization Moment, via tongue-to-tongue contact.

Nadia who? Never mind the years of International travel, longing and occasional torture; Sayid’s heart lies with the woman he had a relationship with for 15 days back in 2004.

At The Benefit Concert

Juliet is paged by the hospital, David enters with Claire, Charlotte wakes up a drunken Charlie, and Kate recognizes Claire from several days earlier. On stage, Drive Shaft will be accompanying Mr. Daniel Widmore and his Cavalcade of Stuttering, Violently-Frustrating Whimsy.

Charlie looks so sexy on stage that Claire goes into labor. Meanwhile, Eloise pleads with Desmond not to get everyone to ‘move on,’ which prompts Desmond to tell her that he won’t be taking Daniel. Not with him, at least. I enjoyed this conversation, as it reminds us that, just because everyone that we knew wasn’t in the final scene, that there aren’t other churches, other groups and other Realization Moments. Don’t get hung up on the small stuff, or I’ll put my thumb through your neck.

As Kate helps Claire with her labor backstage, they both have their respective Realization Moments. Later, Charlie shows up and has one as well, no doubt triggered by Aaron’s mystical placental goo. Desmond saunters in, fist-pumps on a job well done, and pours himself a tall glass of whole milk.

Back At St. Sebastian Hospital

Locke is brought out of surgery, where he’s coming around and recovering at an Afterlife pace. The wiggling of his toes gives him his Realization Moment, followed by the pissing of his hospital gown. Jack resists anything remotely resembling a Flashback, saying that he needs to leave to see his son. Locke correctly (but dickily) reminds him that he doesn’t have a son.

Back in Room Number Gorgeous, Sawyer catches up with Jin and Sun. Sawyer is intent on arresting Sayid, but they’re having none of it after seeing the light. Even in Purgatory, you can still get gutshot and potentially miscarry a newborn. Heaven sounds extremely terrifying.

At the candy machine, Sawyer’s struggling to get an Apollo bar. Juliet shows up and tells him that if he unplugs the machine and plugs it back in again, the candy will drop down, adding that ‘it’s technically legal.’ Once again, continuity nerds simultaneously drop clumps of ‘Cool Ranch’ Doritos down their shirt with excitement. As they both reach for the candy bar, Sawyer and Juliet have their respective Realization Moments, before they come back around and continue fighting over sole possession of said candy.

Back At The Benefit Concert

Jack shows up and runs into Kate. Kate attempts to get him to remember the past, but he continues to resist. Kate then clubs the dumb oaf with a canoe paddle, as this is the only way for this lunkhead to understand anything.

Back At The Church

Locke shows up and meets Ben. Ben apologizes for what he did to him, adding that he was ‘selfish, jealous, and wanted everything that (Locke) had.’ Locke forgives him, but Ben still has some things to work out before he decides to enter the church. For Ben, a guy that seemingly had everything he could have ever dreamed of on the Island, to want the life of a paralyzed loner working a temp job at a box factory, he should have probably aimed a squinch higher.

Hurley also runs into Ben. Hurley reminds Ben that he was a ‘great Number Two,’ to which Ben replies that Hurley was a ‘great Number One.’ This leads into my theory that their Island code names for each other were ‘Poop’ and ‘Pee.’

Jack and Kate arrive. Kate tells him that she brought him here ‘because this is where you were going to have your father’s funeral.’ She says that ‘they’ will be waiting for him to come in, once he’s ready ‘to leave.’ Kate then inexplicably changes outfits, in what is either a Purgatory thing, or the single most glaring continuity error in Lost history. Perhaps Kate just didn’t want to enter Heaven wearing such a slutty dress.

Jack enters the back of the church, finding the coffin of Christian. When he touches it, he has his Realization Moment, culminating with his father entering the room. After a brief exchange, Jack realizes that he himself has died, and he embraces with his father, both absolutely reeking with embalming fluid.

When Jack (and the viewing audience) expresses confusion, Christian explains that Jack’s life and the people in the church are very real, yet they are all now dead. ‘Some died before you, some after you,’ Christian explains. He further elaborates that the church and this world was a place they all made together to find each other, because the most important part of Jack’s life was the time spent with these people. It was created so they could all ‘find each other, remember and move on.’

Meanwhile, out in the church, Miles realizes that he’s an Atheist and immediately poofs out of existence. Bad time for an existential breakdown, dude.

Jack enters the heart of the church where he is greeted by many of his old friends from the Island (Kate, Hurley, Libby, Sawyer, Juliet, Desmond, Penny, Sun, Jin, Charlie, Claire, Aaron, Sayid, Boone, Shannon, Locke, Rose and Bernard). They all share embraces and enjoy their reunion, which is all a little more than my black little heart can handle (the look of satisfaction on Locke’s face when he hugs Jack just might be my favorite moment of the entire series).

After awhile, they all sit down in the pews as Christian walks out the back of the church, bathing everyone in attendance in a glowing, white light. Jack and Kate exchange a smile, as the room is engulfed.

Excuse me, I think I have something in my eye. Yup, it was a cat whisker. I hate those things.

Original Timeline: At The River

Sawyer heads off to get Desmond out of the well before Locke can, while Jack, Kate and Hurley head to the Source (ie: Butthole) of the Island.

At The Well

Desmond has already been saved from the well before Locke or Sawyer can get there. Locke is initially going to kill everyone, but will settle for just Jack now that he’s the new Jacob.

He’s still sinking this bitch, though. Make no mistake of that.

At Rose And Bernard’s Camp

Turns out that Rose and Bernard saved Desmond from the well, but he best be moving on soon, as they like to function as an isolationist society. Locke shows up and snatches Desmond away.

Vincent urinates on Rose’s leg. Bernard urinates on Vincent.

In The Outrigger

Miles and Richard (who’s now mortal), stumble across Frank in the water. Initially wanting to blow up the Ajira plane, Frank puts an end to that nonsense, reminding him that he’s a pilot and will get them off of the Island. Realizing just how cuckoo-bananas insane their original idea was, they decide to trust Lapidus instead.

On The Way To The Source

Locke’s group and Jack’s group meet. There’s a ton of chest-bumping and shit talk about murder, but it’s pretty obvious that nobody has a plan. It’s quite adorable, actually.

At The Source

Only Jack, Locke and Desmond approach the Source. Jack and Locke tie a rope around Desmond and lower him in. Desmond reaches the bottom and sees the ‘cork’ that’s more or less keeping all evil from breaking loose. As he’s immune to electromagnetic energy, Desmond hops into the pit and yanks the cork out, unleashing what seems to be the brewings of Hell upon the Island.

So this explains Sex In The City 2.

Jack chases Locke out of the cave in a fit of fury, punching him in the mouth and causing him to bleed. This is when they both realize that by pulling out the cork, both Jack and the Man In Black are mortal men. They tussle for a bit, but Locke nails Jack with a rock and scampers off.

When I was a little kid, I heaved a rock at a kid named BJ. I thought I had killed him; I was really scared and sad for awhile. Turns out he was okay, and we became friends in high school.

At Hydra Island Beach

Miles, via walkie-talkie, tells everyone to get their asses in gear before the plane takes off. Claire’s not coming with, because she’s nuttier than a box of Clusters.

At The Cliffs

Locke has a boat waiting for him. Jack shows up just in time for a kick-ass final showdown. Locke stabs Jack in the abdomen and pierces his neck, but before he can finish the job, Kate shows up and shoots the Man In Black. Jack kicks him over the cliff, killing him and ending what may be the worst and most ill-fated Island mutiny attempt ever.

Sawyer and Kate rush off to catch up with the plane, but not before sharing a tearful goodbye with Jack. Ben and Hurley stick around to help Jack finish what he started.

At The Ajira Landing Strip

Frank is having trouble with the hydraulics on the plane, so he sends Richard back to look at it. Yeah, if I have a mechanical failure with my airplane, I want the guy from the 16th Century to fix it for me.

Kate and Sawyer are catching up with the plane, when they run into Claire. Kate offers to help her raise Aaron, which changes her mind. Everyone gets on board as they begin their takeoff.

Frank Lapidus is the greatest pilot in the history of aviation. Or perhaps the plane exploded into pieces two seconds after the episode ended; who really knows?

At The Source

Jack’s going back into the Source to clog up the butthole and save the Island (may I suggest sharp cheddar cheese?). He knows he’s not going to survive, and turns over Island ownership to a tearful Hurley. Desmond wants to help, but Jack says that he’s done enough, and he should go back home to his wife and son.

Jack finds the plug and drops it into the Source (hey BP, you want that oil leak taken care of?). The light begins to return, as Hurley and Ben pull an exhausted Desmond back to the surface. Below, Jack sobs with relief as he is engulfed in the light. It’s warm and smells like cinnamon.

Hurley asks Ben if he could help him protect the Island, which Ben graciously accepts. They start by coming up with a way that Desmond can leave the Island, and also by adding a miniature golf course to the Barracks.

At The Bamboo Grove

Jack wakes up in a creek outside of the Source. Aware of his eventual demise, he finds his way back to the bamboo grove, to the same spot where he awoke after the crash of Flight 815. He hears a dog barking and turns to see Vincent running towards him. Jack smiles as Vincent lies down next to him, so he doesn’t ‘die alone.’

Looking towards the sky, he sees the Ajira plane fly over him, knowing that he has saved his friends as well as the Island. His eyes close.


Now, don’t you go getting sad on me; we’re not done yet. Let’s Break It Down!


1 – The last line of the series is “We’ve been waiting for you,” spoken by John Locke after Jack enters the church. This is in stark contrast to what I thought was going to be the final line of the series, “We’re all out of dip.”


2 – Desmond, Penny and Juliet are the only non-815 survivors in the church, which makes perfect sense, unless you’re a dolt who continues to argue the logic of the final scene.

3 – From Lostpedia: “Boone’s observation that he had difficulty getting Shannon back from Sydney is likely an in-joke at the difficulty in scheduling Maggie Grace to return for the final season, having had to already write her out of ‘LA X.'” That’s funny stuff, right there.

4 – Kate is the only original cast member to land on the Island, leave, return and leave again.

By comparison, Locke is the only original cast member to land on the Island, re-learn to walk, get teleported off of the Island, die, get shipped back to the Island, get reincarnated by evil incarnate, only to be killed once more. What are the odds?

5 – Sawyer and Claire are the only characters to arrive on the Island for the first time in the first episode, and leave the Island for the first time in the last episode. Really? I’ll be damned!

6 – ‘The End’ was the longest episode in Lost history, clocking in at a massive 105:45 minutes. So, to anyone complaining, you got 106 minutes of Lost, so cork your bitchhole.

7 – ABC estimates that nearly 21 million people watched ‘The End,’ while TorrentFreak.com states that ‘The End’ was the most pirated television episode in history based on statistics. Congruently, According To Jim is statistically the least-pirated show in history.

8 – From Lostpedia: “The scene where Locke stabs Jack involved swapping out a real knife for a collapsible one. During one take, the swap was not made properly and Matthew Fox was stabbed by the real knife, which was stopped by a Kevlar pad that Fox wore under his shirt. Matthew Fox tried out various protection pads for that scene, and it just so happened that when the accident happened he was wearing the Kevlar pad, the others of which were not stab proof. It was even suggested that he not bother using a pad at all before the incident happened.”

That would have been bad to say the least. “Um, sorry everyone. We can’t finish the series because we…um…stabbed our main character to death on set.”

9 – The penultimate scene with Jack and Christian the back room of the Church was withheld from shooting scripts. When the scene was filmed, the set operated with a high level of security and was off-limits to everyone with the exception of Matthew Fox, John Terry, and a few select members of crew. Even other cast members were not allowed near the set when the scene was taking place.

Frank Lapidus was there, though, because that sonofabitch can do whatever he wants.

10 – Shannon (Maggie Grace) makes her first appearance since ‘Expose’,’ an absence of 59 episodes in a row. Not surprisingly, Lost hasn’t aired a terrible episode since then. I’m not a Shannon fan.

Well folks, I hate to tell you this, but we’re all done here. Once again, thank you for reading Lost Friday over the years; please stick around and allow me to entertain you with all of the other stuff I do here on the CDP. Sound off in the comments section, enjoy your weekend and stay nostalgic by checking out links to nearly every Lost Friday ever written (including some episodes of the Pop Crunch show, penned by yours truly).

Thank you very much.

Hey…waaaaait a minute, here. Where are the captions? I mean, this is the last Lost Friday ever, and there’s not even one photo caption to speak of? Seriously?

(“Was it good for you, Vincent?”)

There we go. Now we can leave happy.

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Season 3 Preview
Season 3 – Episode 1 Recap
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Season 3 – Episode 8 Recap
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Season 3 – Episode 12 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 13 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 14 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 15 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 16 Recap
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Season 3 – Episode 18 Recap
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Season 3 – Episode 20 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 21 Recap
Season 3 – Finale Edition 1
Season 3 – Finale Edition 2
Season 3 – Finale Edition 3
Season 3 – Episode 22/23 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 1 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 2 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 3 Pop Crunch Recap
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Season 4 – Episode 4 Pop Crunch Recap
Season 4 – Episode 5 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 6 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 7 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 9 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 10 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 12 Recap
Season 4 – Finale Edition 1
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Season 4 – Finale Edition 3
Season 5 – Episode 1/2.
Season 5 – Episode 4.
Season 5 – Episode 5.
Season 5 – Episode 6.
Season 5 – Episode 7.
Season 5 – Episode 9.
Season 5 – Episode 10.
Season 5 – Episode 11.
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Season 5 – Episode 13.
Season 5 – Episode 14.
Season 5 – Episode 15.
Season 5 – Episode 16/17.
Season 6 – Episode 1/2.
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Season 6 – Episode 4.
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Season 6 – Episode 6.
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Season 6 – Episode 9.
Season 6 – Episode 10.
Season 6 – Episode 11.
Season 6 – Episode 12.
Season 6 – Episode 13.
Season 6 – Episode 14.
Season 6 – Episode 15.
Season 6 – Episode 16.

Lost Thursday – Season 6 Caption Edition.


We’re one day away from the final Lost Friday ever. In the meantime, enjoy the second half of the best captions from Season 6. Giddyup.

(“You have nothing to be afraid of. I’m just a reincarnated zombie that can manifest myself into the form of black smoke, and I just murdered everyone you’ve ever known. Please stop crying.”)

(“Hello, this is James from Charter Communications. I just want to know why you don’t think you need to pay your cable bill?”)

(Want to know how sexy Desmond is? Ten minutes ago, Claire wasn’t even pregnant!)

(The Man In Black becomes increasingly frustrated with the world’s first Game Boy.)

(There it is. The gleaming, beautiful, majestic…butthole of the Island.)

(All the medical experience in the world couldn’t prepare Dr. Shephard for the day when Raspberry Jam started leaking from his neckhole.)

(“Hello, Oceanic? Can you connect me with Corpse Baggage Claim?”)

(I still think this is a step up from Aaron.)

(“Claire, I’m telling you this as a friend. You smell like cat food and butthole.”)

(I get the feeling that Jack’s still drinking a little.)

(Hey, look! It’s an XKCD comic! And guess what? IT’S NOT F**KING FUNNY!!!)

(Raise glass of alcohol to lips. Swallow. Congratulations, you’re officially a bass player.)

(“I don’t know how to break this to you, but…you ever see Eraserhead?”)

(“I’m drunk! Let’s play darts!”)

(“Hurley, I’m going to let you in on a secret. I accidentally dropped a can of OFF! into the campfire behind me, so I’d estimate that we have about two seconds before our eyebrows get blown clean off.”)

(“Ben, did I ever tell you about the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville? I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville back in those days. I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ’em. ‘Give me five bees for a quarter,’ you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah—the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get were those big yellow ones…”)

(Matthew Fox, a man with thousands of hours of television and film experience, looks directly into the camera, instantly destroying suspension of disbelief and causing seven million viewers to shit themselves in unison.)

(“I’m terribly sorry, Mr. Hume, but I regret to inform you that you are hereby banned for life from all Carnival Cruise ships.”)

(“I can’t live in a world without whiskey! And Penny! But mostly whiskey!”)

(“Well, here you go, Ana Lucia. $125,000 to never show up on this show ever again.”)

(Sawyer went to the Wile E. Coyote Police School.)

(“Christ, you run one Korean chick headlong into a tree, and she treats you like the Antichrist.”)

(Rodin’s sequel to ‘The Thinker,’ ‘The Drinker.’)

(“Do you believe in fate? No? Well, do you believe in SEX?”)

(Sawyer accidentally sits on his badge.)


Thanks for reading. Sound off in the comments section, enjoy your day and be sure to come back tomorrow for the final Lost Friday ever.

Lost Wednesday – Season 6 Caption Edition.


After a stunning, beautiful, philosophical and maddening finale (that I loved), we’re just two days away from the final Lost Friday ever here on the CDP. On our way there, let’s take a couple days to recap some of the best captions that Season 6 had to offer. Please enjoy.

(Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you…the Chosen One.)

(“Man, that was one hell of a Saved By The Bell marathon.”)

(Much like a salmon in heat, Jack jumps out of the water and into the boat.)

(Jack, wracked by the pain of losing his father, sits entranced as his cat defecates on top of his desk for six minutes, doing absolutely nothing to intervene.)


(“One, two, three, FOUR. We’re doing to do it FOUR TIMES, so suck on that, bellhop.”)

(“Not to be rude or anything, but seriously, how did your head get so square? Did your parents raise you in a milk crate?”)

(“I think that your mouth is a Candidate…for my tongue.”)


(These are the remnants of the Black Hole Of Suck created when George W. Bush high-fived Jerry Jones from a luxury box in Dallas Stadium. There were no survivors.)

(“Have you seen my CON-DISH-AHH-NAH??!?“)

(Jack’s first day with Photo Booth.)

(Kate looks like an absolute angel when she’s sleeping.)

(Unbeknownst to the castaways, Jack had been puking into the water supply for months.)

(“Did Jack just puke into my bottle?”)

(“I have to show you this spider bite; it’s like a clown nose full of pus.”)


(Juliet secretly hopes that by detonating the H-bomb, she can go back in time and choose not to star in V.)

(“Call me Mr. Flintstone; I just made your bed rock.”)


(“Do you want me to turn off the lights so your skin doesn’t melt?”)

(Out of all the ways Sawyer thought he’d die on the Island, runaway airplane was not one of them.)

(“So, what does it feel like to sleep with the only woman I’ve ever loved?”)

(In mid-conversation, Locke shoots a guy off in the distance.)

(“Who has two thumbs and loves eggs? This guy.”)


Thanks for reading. Sound off in the comments section, enjoy your day and come back tomorrow for 26 more of your favorite Season 6 captions.

Lost Friday – "What They Died For."


The penultimate Lost Friday is upon us. The end is near.

You know, for a guy that has devoted the last six years of his life to a television show, you’d think that I’d be heartbroken about Lost coming to an end. You’d think that for the weeks and months to follow, I’d brokenly stumble through life alone and afraid, like a mother duck that just watched all 15 of her babies fall through the sewer grate one at a time. Truth is, I already do that, and truthier still, I’m more than happy to see Lost go.

I’m not sad, depressed, bummed or bittersweet. I’m excited and thrilled to know that one of my favorite TV shows of all-time is getting the proper sendoff that it deserves. I’m going to have a barbecue, drink about eleventy-thousand bottles of Miller High Life and enjoy the best-written and most engaging TV drama in history, because hey, that’s what we all deserve to do. At the very least, we owe it to ourselves for sticking it out to the very end (ratings have been as high as 20 million in Season One, and as low at 7 million in Season Six).

We’re not going to get every question answered. Probably not even a quarter of them. Furthermore, a lot of ‘questions’ have already been answered in some sort of roundabout way, and that’s as good as it’s going to get. I’ve accepted this. After 120 episodes of whispers and mysteries, expecting the writers to break their time-tested storytelling formula to merely put the fans at ease is a cop out. The feeling of confusion is the state that we’re supposed to be in when we watch Lost.

I’ve never, not once, watched an episode and walked away feeling as if I totally understood. And in this day and age of freeze-framing, online discussion and merciless fanboy dissection, that is a nearly impossible feat to achieve. What’s more, they took all of that confusion, all of that mystery and frustration, and somehow turned it into the most fun, worthwhile and philosophically deep series we’ve ever seen.

The secret to Lost isn’t the writers and producers. It’s not the beautiful Island location, music and cinematography. The money spent on the most expensive (and greatest) Pilot episode in Television history. It’s not the twisted, theme-driven plotline of redemption, faith and free will. It’s not the humor, violence, double-crossing, sex or explosions. Much like what Jacob has always known, the secret to the Island (and the show) is the cast of characters that have been invited; the cast of characters we’ve watched for so long now. A cast unlike any other; a deep, rich, diverse crew of established and unknown actors and actresses, forming a seamless, interwoven bond between anything and everything thrown at them.

The writers did such a good job with character development, that each and every character on Lost could have gotten their own personal TV series, and it would have been interesting and watchable. And we’re talking dozens of characters, here. However, none of that would have meant anything had we not cared about these people to begin with. What would Lost have been like had Josh Holloway not played Sawyer? Michael Emerson as Ben? Terry O’Quinn as Locke?

Creating a character in a Writer’s Room is one thing, but these people brought these folks to life in a way that’s absolutely admirable in retrospect, and I’m presuming that a huge amount of fame, wealth and work is lined up for each and every member of the cast now that Lost is no longer their 9-to-5 (you’re telling me that you wouldn’t watch a romantic comedy starring Josh Holloway and Evangeline Lilly?). Don’t worry about never seeing these people again, because for a lot of them, their careers are just beginning.

Lost can be watched and enjoyed on multiple levels. It can be dissected on a base, character level. A mythological level. Even a morality, theme-based level. You can watch it because it brings to light a number of religious and spiritual theories that no other television show had the intelligence to make interesting. Also you can watch it merely because you think that Yunjin Kim is adorable. Anything you could possibly want is there for the taking in some way.

As Jacob said, everyone is flawed. The heroes are anti-heroes. The villains force you to feel sympathetic for them. Benjamin Linus may go down in TV history as the most evil, manipulative psychopath of all-time, yet I’m still rooting for him to have a happy ending, as I find myself pitying him and his circumstances every other week. That’s beautiful. That’s just like real life.

On Sunday, we’re going to sit in front of our televisions and watch a massive Lost retrospective from 6-8pm Central. There, they will go over all of the talking points I mentioned, along with all the reasons why the show has changed the very landscape of modern entertainment (their mobisodes and alternate-reality games made the Internet explode and allowed for constant theorization and interaction, a platform that will probably become the norm within the next decade). As we watch, we may feel a certain sense of pride. A sense that maybe, we as fans had a little something to do with its success. A sense that we’ve all been in this together from Day One, and now, we’re all finally getting to experience what we’ve been waiting for as a single unit.

Then, from 8-10:30pm Central, we’re going to watch the feature film-length series finale. Not one, not two, but two-and-a-half hours of Lost, culminating with the final curtain at 11pm Central, as the cast and crew show up on Jimmy Kimmel Live to bask in their job well done (and show alternate endings, which is a can’t miss).

Then, well…that’s it. It’s over. It’s finally over.

You know, for a guy that has devoted the last six years of his life to a television show, you’d think that I’d be heartbroken about Lost coming to an end. However, I couldn’t be more excited. When I started the CDP in 2004, Lost didn’t even exist as a television show, so how was I to know that in addition to my personal essays, I’d go on to write thousands of pages of material about it? Actually earn fans and readers because of it? It’s been good to me in many ways, and I’m more than ready for The End.

So, with that in mind, here’s your second-to-last Lost Friday ever. Please enjoy.

“Well, here you go, Ana Lucia. $125,000 to never show up on this show ever again.”

No less than five minutes into her stay, Claire is already walking around the house naked.

“Texting while driving! Texting while driving! Citizen’s arrest!”

“I don’t know how to say this, but…we’re out of toast. I’m so sorry.”

“I’m drunk! Let’s play darts!”

Matthew Fox, a man with thousands of hours of television and film experience, looks directly into the camera, instantly destroying suspension of disbelief and causing seven million viewers to shit themselves in unison.

No! This is such a shame…that he couldn’t slit her throat twice.

“Ben, did I ever tell you about the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville? I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville back in those days. I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ’em. ‘Give me five bees for a quarter,’ you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah—the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get were those big yellow ones…”

“Drop the Toaster Strudel.”

You may notice that Michael Emerson is sporting a real-life black eye in this scene. It was given to him by accident during the scene where Desmond pummels him in the school parking lot. Don’t say I never taught you anything.


“Hurley, I’m going to let you in on a secret. I accidentally dropped a can of OFF! into the campfire behind me, so I’d estimate that we have about two seconds before our eyebrows get blown clean off.”

All the medical experience in the world couldn’t prepare Dr. Shephard for the day when Raspberry Jam started leaking from his neckhole.

“Give me back my burlap sleeves. Immediately.”


There you have it. 106 recaps down, just one more to go. Enjoy the finale this weekend, but remember to come back here next week, because Lost doesn’t end until the CDP says so. Sound off in the comments section and catch up on Season 6 of Lost Friday by following the links below. Bye.

Season 6 – Episode 1/2.
Season 6 – Episode 3.
Season 6 – Episode 4.
Season 6 – Episode 5.
Season 6 – Episode 6.
Season 6 – Episode 7.
Season 6 – Episode 8.
Season 6 – Episode 9.
Season 6 – Episode 10.
Season 6 – Episode 11.
Season 6 – Episode 12.
Season 6 – Episode 13.
Season 6 – Episode 14.
Season 6 – Episode 15.
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CDP Wayback Machine – Genesis/Super NES Edition.

(Originally published July 2009.)

In the past, we here at the CDP have counted down our favorite NES games of all-time, as well as our favorite Atari 2600 games of all-time (Part 1 here, Part 2 here). So it’s due time that we move into the 16-Bit Era and introduce our favorite games for the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis as well.

Before any fanboys and gamer dorks have an aneurysm or nerdgasm over some countdown atrocity I’m certain to commit along the way, understand that this is my own personal list based on Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis games that I’ve been fortunate enough to play and own over the last 18 years, and by no means is a complete document of well-researched history. Please enjoy.

(#16: Super Punch-Out!!)

20. Super Bomberman
19. Star Fox
18. Lemmings
17. Ninja Gaiden Trilogy
16. Super Punch-Out!!

(#12: F-Zero)

15. Mega Man X
14. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles In Time
13. SimCity
12. F-Zero
11. Chrono Trigger

(#9: Super Metroid)

10. Super Castlevania IV
9. Super Metroid
8. Street Fighter II: Turbo
7. Donkey Kong Country
6. Super Mario All-Stars

5. Mega Man 7

. Final Fantasy III

3. Super Mario Kart

2. Super Mario World

1. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

Boom, roasted. Let’s move on.

And now, my Top 20 Sega Genesis games. Please enjoy.

(#16: Golden Axe)

20. Jurassic Park
19. Evander Holyfield’s “Real Deal” Boxing
18. PGA Tour Golf
17. Earthworm Jim
16. Golden Axe

(#15: Zombies Ate My Neighbors)

15. Zombies Ate My Neighbors
14. Road Rash
13. Super Smash TV
12. Sonic & Knuckles
11. Ghouls ‘N Ghosts

(#9: Splatterhouse 2)

10. NHL ‘95
9. Splatterhouse 2
8. Phantasy Star IV
7. Sonic The Hedgehog
6. Pit-Fighter

5. NBA Jam

4. Madden NFL ’95

3. Street Fighter II: Special Champion Edition

2. Mortal Kombat (I & II)

1. Streets of Rage 2

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.Lost Friday arrives in less than 24 hours.