Lost Friday – "Lighthouse."


Season 6 – Episode 5: “Lighthouse.”

Another Lost Friday is upon us; we have much to discuss.

But first, a quick point to be made concerning spoilers.

When referring to a television show, a ‘spoiler’ is defined as being “Any information about upcoming episodes, including cast, characters, crew, photographs, and synopses, released by any source outside of an official commercial or advertisement. Any and all information is considered a spoiler until it has been revealed in an episode that has aired in the United States.

Wonderful. Please take this in mind the next time you feel you’ve been ‘spoiled,’ yet are still three seasons (or even three minutes) behind on Lost. You cannot expect the Internet to screech to a halt and wait for you to catch up. It’s just as futile as saying, “I’m two years behind on my political coverage; don’t tell me who’s President yet!” as you run away, plugging your ears and la-la-la’ing.

In the five-year history of me babbling about Lost on the Internet, the only place where I posted spoilers was in the ‘Preview’ section of Lost Friday, something I stopped doing a year ago (and always warned the hell out of people about). Ergo, I don’t spoil. I have the first 10 episodes of FlashForward sitting in my DVR queue, yet you won’t hear me yelling at my television when I see a commercial for a new episode. I’m certain that the commercial doesn’t know or care that I’m a half-season behind.

To reiterate: I don’t spoil, and remember to tread lightly if you’re behind on a TV show.

Let’s move on.

Now that the bizarrely-mundane Episode 3 is behind us, we’ve been hit with back-to-back masterpieces here in Season 6. Mythology abound, huge plot points, Alternate Dimension loonery and the buildup of the final showdown that we’ve all been waiting for. Our beloved castaways are scattered all over the Island, each completely unaware of the secrets, trials and tribulations they have been through, all leading up to the mother of all misunderstandings. It’s a damn good thing that Time Travel is real, demonic possession is rampant, humans can survive H-Bomb blasts and Hurley can communicate with dead people, otherwise Season 6 wouldn’t have much of a leg to stand on.

But I kid; I’ve been enjoying the hell out of Season 6. The Good v. Evil storyline. The methods by which each castaway is coming to terms with their lack of Free Will. The giant, ancient structures that have been completely hidden and undiscovered by the castaways for three entire years. It’s all good, man.


(Jack’s first day with Photo Booth.)

Since the beginning, I’ve loved Jack the most when he’s suffering off of the Island. His familial struggles, issues with his ex-wife (and now, son), alcoholism and severe depression showcase one of the deepest characters on the show. Furthermore, I also think it shows Matthew Fox at his absolute best. The moments where he was attempting to bond with David this week were astonishingly heartbreaking for me. Taking the time to hook up the cable television in his room so he could watch the baseball game, rushing home with a pizza and soda to hang out with him; these scenes made me want to start crying and never stop. It felt real: Jack was trying too hard to correct the mistakes of his own father, and David simply wasn’t having any of it (at least for awhile). All that time spent being the patriarch on Party Of Five must have paid off; there’s no denying that Fox is at his best when he’s playing a vulnerable, compassionate failure of a success.

As opposed to me, playing a success of a failure. Let’s KNOCK IT OUT!

ALTERNATE TIMELINE (2004):

Jack is divorced from a yet-unknown woman, and has a teenage son (David) he’s attempting to bond with. Also, he’s helping his mother locate his late father’s will. When they locate it, they both discover the existence of Claire, and presumably the fact that she was Christian’s daughter. After watching David play the piano at a candidate recital, Jack tells him how proud of him he is, and they seem to bond for the time being.

I didn’t tear up. I did not tear up. Stop asking me if I teared up.


(Jack scrambles to remember why Haley Joel Osment is in his house.)

CURRENT TIMELINE (2007) – HURLEY AND JACK:

Hurley sees Jacob, who tells him he needs his help on a project. He claims that someone is coming to the Island, and he needs Hurley’s help to guide them. Meanwhile, Jack and Sayid talk about his supposed sickness, and how this has apparently already happened to Claire. Hurley convinces Jack to accompany him on his task after reciting to him something that his father used to say. Jack follows him with the demand that he speak to Jacob. On the way, they run into Kate who says that she is looking for Claire.


(“You don’t have what it takes, David. You don’t have…the hair.”)

On the way to the lighthouse, Jack and Hurley find themselves in the caves, where Jack sees the empty casket his father should have been in. Upon reaching the lighthouse, Hurley informs Jack that they need to turn the wheel to heading 108. We see that each number represents a different Island inhabitant/candidate (some crossed out, some not), and for each name, a scene from their past is reflected in the lighthouse mirror. When Jack stops on his number (23), he sees his childhood home, which predictably sends him into a tizzy. Jack speculates that Jacob has been watching all of them for their entire lives, and demands to speak to him immediately. When Hurley waffles, Jack destroys the mirrors.


(“Have you seen my…CON-DISH-AH-NAHH???”)

Afterward, Hurley speaks with Jacob, who informs him that his task was completed. According to Jacob, Jack needed to see how important he was, and explained that he was there to ‘do something.’ He also explains that he had to get them away from the Temple, because someone bad is about to arrive there. Hurley wants to warn the people at the temple but Jacob explains that it is already too late.


(Jacob’s Island Fondue recipe is complicated as shit, yo.)

CURRENT TIMELINE (2007) – CLAIRE’S CAMP:

Claire frees Jin from the trap and lets him know that she has been living in the jungle for the last three years. At her camp, he sees a makeshift doll in Aaron’s cradle that’s been made out of an animal carcass. Claire brings back Justin with the intent to torture him unless he tells her where Aaron is. She believes that the Others have Aaron, as the Man In Black (disguised as her father, Christian) told her so. Also, she reveals to Jin the scars of torture similar to the ones Sayid received at the hands of the Others. In order to save Justin, Jin comes clean and informs Claire that Kate took Aaron off of the Island. Claire seems interested in this admission, but kills Justin anyway.


(To be honest with you, I feel this is a step up from Aaron.)

In an effort to be set free and save Kate from harm, Jin later tells Claire that he lied in the hope of saving Justin’s life and that he had actually seen Aaron at the temple with The Others, and that she will need him to get to Aaron. Claire says that this is good, because if Kate had really taken Aaron she would have to kill her.


(Jack, wracked by the pain of losing his father, sits entranced as his cat defecates on top of his desk for six minutes, doing absolutely nothing to intervene.)

The Man In Black, disguised as Locke, walks in. Jin rhetorically asks whether it is John but Claire says “This is not John, this is my friend,” seemingly knowing the truth about the Man In Black.

I boiled it down to essentially nothing here, but this episode was absolutely insane from start to finish. Who knew that Claire could, you know, act?

I kid. Now let’s BREAK IT DOWN!

4 – The date of David’s recital is Friday the 24th. In 2004, the 24th is a Friday in September, which would place the date of the plane landing at LAX on September 22. Oh, and speaking of David’s recital, the sign for it reads ‘Welcome All Candidates.’

8 – We see a lot more names and numbers at the lighthouse. Here are a few of them:

Rousseau crossed out at 20.
Stanhope crossed out at 48.
Austen (Kate) at 51. Austen is not crossed out.
Burke crossed out at 58.
Faraday (Daniel) crossed out at 101.
Wallace crossed out at 108.
Friendly (Tom) crossed out at 109.
Linus (Ban) crossed out at 117.
Dawson crossed out at 124.
Littleton (Claire) crossed out at 313.

Take from that what you will. Maybe we will get an American Idol-type finale where we get to call in a vote for who the next Protector of the Island will be. I’m voting for Katherine McPhee.


(“You came back to the Island because you thought you were broke and needed fixing; I came back because I left a sandwich here. I’d call it a horse apiece.”)

15 – The sheet music in David’s room, that he was also playing for his audition, was for Chopin’s ‘Fantaisie-Impromptu,’ which was also the piece that young Daniel Faraday was playing in a Season 5 flashback.

16 – A poster on the wall of David’s room advertises the band Meat Coat, which is the band that Charlie tells his brother that they have the chance to open for in LA.


(“I was just popping in to collect my check. Did someone say Meat Coat? “)

23 – The church where Sawyer attended his parent’s funeral, along with the location where Jin and Sun were married, can be seen in the mirror of the lighthouse (in addition to Jack’s childhood home).

42 – Claire’s way of life, appearance and behavior mirrors that of Rousseau in many respects. She ties up and tortures an Other in her lair to find out where her child is, similarly to Rousseau torturing someone she mistook as an Other to find Alex.


(“David, who was I married to?”)

Well, there you have it. Another fantastic episode of Lost in the books. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day. The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade #7 kicks off Monday; until then, here are links to every Lost Friday so far this season, along with some other random goodness to get you through the weekend. Enjoy.

Season 6 – Episode 1/2.
Season 6 – Episode 3.
Season 6 – Episode 4.
I’m On Twitter.
I’m On Facebook.
Surviving 815.

Your New Favorite Band.

The CDP Nationwide Mix-Tape Trade #1.
Date – September 2007
Theme –
(None)

The CDP Nationwide Mix-Tape Exchange #2.
Date – February 2008
Theme –
Love & Sex

The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Exchange #3.
Date – June 2008
Theme –
Cover Songs

The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Exchange #4.
Date – October 2008
Theme –
Catchphrase

The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade #5.
Date – March 2009
Theme – Top 10 Of Everything

The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade #6.
Date – September 2009
Theme – Six Degrees

The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade #7.
Date – March 2010
Theme –
Your New Favorite Band

The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade #7 officially begins on March 1. Keep your ear to the ground.

Lost Friday rounds out the week. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Lost Friday – "The Substitute."


Season 6 – Episode 4: “The Substitute.”

Another Lost Friday is upon us. Unlike last week, we have much to discuss.

Like most of you, I’ve been spending the better part of seven days watching the Winter Olympics on NBC, MSNBC, CNBC, Telemundo, NBC2, the Nashville Network and the Spice Channel. An admitted Olympics junkie, I had my TV schedules printed and my DVR scheduled weeks before the torch was awkwardly lit by a hypothermia-riddled Wayne Gretzky, and it has delivered in leaps and bounds, despite Vancouver having little-to-no snow and temperatures reaching the mid-50’s. In 2014, I hope they have the foresight to crown a more Winter-friendly host city, like Tampa or Houston.

More so than any Olympic event, I’ve been enthralled by Curling the most. I’m the kind of guy that randomly memorizes topics on Wikipedia (an admitted risky venture; I thought Sinbad had been dead since 2005), and long ago tried to wrap my head around the mechanics, strategy and terminology of Canada’s greatest export since Peter Jennings (who has been dead since 2005). However, I hadn’t the chance to actually see it played live until this week. Like a kid on Christmas, I’ve been running through the door after work to turn on the television and sift through the six hours of hardcore Curling action I had DVR’d throughout the day.

I’m totally hooked, and I’ve got to get out there and try my hand at this thing. I like the pace, the cerebral nature of it, and the fact that I could do it drunk without killing myself. And just to prove that I’m not whistling Dixie, I will be attending the finals of the 2010 USA Curling Club National Championships on February 27.

I’m not kidding. If I see you there, the first pitcher is on me. Now let’s KNOCK IT OUT!

ALTERNATE TIMELINE (2004):

Even in an Alternate Dimension, John Locke cannot catch a break. He’s still paralyzed, he’s still working for that douchebag Randy at the box company, he wasn’t allowed to go on his walkabout (he lied to Boone on the plane), and just minutes ago, he haphazardly flung himself onto the lawn after his van’s ‘Cripple Catapult’ malfunctioned. Add some peppy music and he’s Stan Freaking Laurel.

But hey, it’s not all bad. He’s engaged to his darling Helen, they’re in the midst of planning a wedding, and he’s even on good terms with his father! No word on how that happened, or how he managed to get himself paralyzed, but there’s no time now for questions; John’s taking a bath. Nakedly.

Back at the box company, Randy outs Locke for lying about the walkabout (he was on the company dime in Sydney, after all) and promptly fires him. On his way out, Locke runs into Hurley (the new owner of the company), who throws him a bone and gets him in touch with his temp agency. Why Hurley found it necessary to become a mogul in three of the saddest and most mundane professions on Earth (Box Company, Temp Agency, Chicken Shack) is beyond me. Be bold; buy an Arena Football team or something.

On a semi-related note, it’s really cool to see Hurley rich and happy at the same time. Also, not wearing a giant t-shirt that’s ravaged with deep sweat stains.

At the temp agency, things are starting to frustrate Locke, who is demanding jobs that are a little too big for his crippled, flimsy britches. The supervisor comes out, who turns out to be Rose (who doesn’t recognize Locke from the flight). They talk about denying their individual ailments (she still has that pesky cancer), which calms John down, and Rose sets him up with a sweet substitute teacher gig.

On a personal note, there’s a deeply black humor in hiring a paralyzed guy to teach kids about sex and exercise. It’s like hiring a Creationist to teach you Astronomy.

At the still-unnamed high school (I’m going to guess it’s Widmore Tech), Locke is flourishing as a substitute, and strikes up a conversation with the European History teacher, Benjamin Linus. To anyone who went to my high school, this is a perfect fit, as my European History teacher was also the embodiment of all that was wrong and evil, and I’m pretty sure he strangled a guy with his bare hands once.

Finally, we see Locke and Helen at home, where John admits why he got fired. Helen urges Locke to call Jack based on the business card he gave him at the airport, but Locke doesn’t believe in miracles (or irony, I guess) and wants Helen to love him for who he is. They rip up the business card and presumably engage in violent, awkward intercourse.

CURRENT TIMELINE (2007):

In the foot of the Statue, Ilana is looking at the remains of her team and questioning Ben as to what happened. He claims a monster did it (he’s only partially lying), which prompts Ilana to place Jacob’s ashes into an Ash Bag (patent pending). She tells Ben that the Man In Black is now ‘recruiting,’ which sounds scarier than the Armed Forces, but not nearly as much as the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Ilana tells everyone to get to the Temple before Lockelganger brings the ruckus and the copies of Watchtower, but not before they finally bury an extremely ripe John Locke.

When Ben asks Ilana why Locke’s body needs to be brought, she responds that the Others need to know what they are up against. When asked why the Man In Black wouldn’t just change again, she claims that it is stuck in Locke’s body. This is a rare sexual condition I’ve only heard about on message boards. Ben tries to ask another question and is shot in the mouth by Ilana.

They bury Locke. Ben apologizes for murdering him. This is the least-weird part of the episode.

We then get a (awesome) Monster’s Eye View of the Dharma remnants, and I’d like to personally thank Smokey for strapping on a helmet cam for this particular scene (you can even see its reflection in the window of Sawyer’s house!). If the Man In Black is truly stuck in Locke’s body, then it’s sort of proportionate to how much a chicken can fly. He can escape for brief traipses and murder spasms, but that’s it. Lockelganer dumps Richard out of a trap suspended in a tree, and demands that he start talking.

Pay attention, because this is interesting.

Fake Locke wants Richard to come with him; join the winning team. Richard says no, and asks why he has assumed the form of Locke. Man In Black states that he took Locke’s form because Jacob trusted Locke enough to allow him to get close to him, as he was a ‘candidate’ (it’s a key word this week). Richard doesn’t know what ‘candidate’ means, to which Fake Locke finds it funny that Richard had been taking orders from Jacob all this time without even knowing what the task at hand was. Things start to get tense, but Fake Locke suddenly sees a weird, blonde-haired kid (me?) and gets sidetracked.

Richard doesn’t see the boy because he had eyeliner in his cornea.

Recruiting Richard is slow-going, so Fake Locke pays Sawyer a visit instead. He arrives to find Sawyer embarrassingly trashed and listening to Stooges records in his underwear, pinpointing the only moment in the entire run of Lost where Sawyer did something that I have also done on several occasions. Not only does Sawyer not care that he’s talking to a zombie, but he also is well-aware that he’s not even talking to the real Locke. Whiskey will do this to a man; I once had an entire conversation with a pool cue. We talked about The Avalanches; it had great taste in music. Sawyer agrees to accompany Fake Locke to an undisclosed location where he will tell him sweet secrets.

The weird-looking boy appears again, this time both Fake Locke and Sawyer can see him. Locke gives chase, where the boy reminds him “You know the rules; you can’t kill him.” This is similar to when Keamy, one of Widmore’s jackbooted thugs, killed Ben Linus’ daughter Alex, prompting Ben to exclaim, “He broke the rules!” Weirder still, this statement prompts Fake Locke to scream, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!” which is something that the real Locke would say every eight seconds.

Richard tries to lure Sawyer away from Locke, but gets scared shitless and bounds away like a skittish rabbit. It’s funny to see this guy so powerless all of a sudden.

Sawyer pulls a gun on Locke, who’s not having any of it. Locke reminds Sawyer that he was “once a man,” and is “trapped.” These sound like the words of either a Smoke Monster or a pre-op transsexual.

Once Sawyer and the Man In Black make it to the Super Secret Cave of Etchings and Stones on Scales, Fake Locke drops a bombshell on Sawyer and everyone watching the show. He says, “This is why you’re here,” and points to the ceiling of the cave, where familiar names have been written down and scratched out, presumably by Jacob. Apparently, he’s narrowing down the list of potential candidates to protect the Island. These people have all, at one point or another, been visited by Jacob in their lives, essentially wrecking their free will and inadvertently steering them to the Island.

Woah.

We’ll get back to the names, numbers, and that pee stain you just made in a second.

Of course, The Man In Black thinks this Protector nonsense is bunk, and the Island doesn’t need to be protected. He tells Sawyer that he can either wait things out and see what happens- he then crosses out Locke’s name as a reminder of what could happen-, he could take the role of protector and live a seemingly meaningless existence, or him and Fake Locke could jump ship and get the hell out of there.

Sawyer wants to leave. So they do. Smash cut; episode over.

The scene in the cave was on par with the Dharma Orientation film in Season 2; a huge plot point that explains so much, yet leaves so much more to be theorized. Who’s really in charge here? What’s so special about this place, anyway? What has everyone been eating since the barracks were destroyed?

Let’s get into it, and BREAK IT DOWN!

4. In the six-year, vast expanses of the Lost Universe, things rarely kick more ass and take more names than a John Locke-centric episode. His story the deepest and most emotional, his character the most developed and beloved, and let’s face it, he’s played by the best actor on a show chock-full of geniuses.

In the Alternate Timeline, we see that Locke seems to be on good terms with his father, even displaying a photo of him in his cubicle at work. This suggests that Locke became paralyzed in a completely different way, but how?

8. It is revealed that several of the main survivors of Oceanic 815 correspond to one of the numbers, and they are all candidates to become the next Jacob:

4- Locke (John)
8- Reyes (Hurley)
15- Ford (Sawyer)
16-Jarrah (Sayid)
23-Shephard (Jack)
42-Kwon (presumably Jin)

During Fake Locke’s monologue, he crosses out Locke’s name, as he’s dead. This raises a few questions about why Jacob had kept certain names crossed and un-crossed. For example, why are the names ‘Littleton’ and ‘Straume’ crossed out? Pertaining to Claire (Aaron too!) and Miles, neither of which are dead. Perhaps they failed some rite of passage at some point.

Perhaps Jacob is only keeping track of those that he ‘touched’ prior to the crash. If so, why are Kate and Ilana’s names crossed out? Is Jacob looking specifically for a man?

Any theories? I’m sick of thinking about this.

15. In Locke’s Flash-Sideways, we see that the temp agency worker was Hurley’s tarot card reader in the Original Timeline. Those crazy writers with their totally insignificant Easter Eggs!

16. After Locke gets fired, he cannot enter his van’s wheelchair ramp because Hurley had parked too close to it. However, the ramp shorts out and doesn’t hit Hurley’s Hummer when deployed. Maybe because Hurley is ‘lucky’ in the Alternate Timeline?

23. If Rose works for Hurley’s temp agency, did they recognize each other on the flight? If I saw a co-worker on a flight back from Sydney, I’d have to at least say something.

42. If Hurley pulled his Hummer that close to Locke’s van, how in the hell did Hurley exit his vehicle?

Enough for this week; thanks for reading. Sound off in the comments section, enjoy your weekend, and kill some time by reading up on other Lost Fridays this year:

Season 6 – Episode 1/2.
Season 6 – Episode 3.
I’m On Twitter.
I’m On Facebook.

CDP Wayback Machine – Juvenile Detention Edition.

(“1989 CDP Evaluation,” originally published 02-27-08.)

I found this First Grade Evaluation amongst a pile of papers my mother sent me late last year. You’re going to want to click on the images to make them larger. It’s worth it.

1989 Evaluation.

The handwriting on the bottom reads: “The boys think he’s really smart, but they’re getting tired of his cockiness.” She also takes the time to underline ‘impulsive’ and mention that I have an authority problem (I do), with the multiple X’s painting a picture of me that’s nothing short of unstoppable evil. On the bright side, I’m hardly ever sad, frustrated or sullen.

There’s so much more. Keep reading.

1989 Evaluation.

Again, she takes the time to mention that I’m ‘passively’ uncooperative, and circles some of the most life-scarring and potentially damaging adjectives a person can say about a child. ‘Tics?’ ‘Bizarre?’ Goddamn. I’m quite certain that they no longer use this evaluation form at Winneconne Elementary School. On the bright side, I don’t get pushed around and I’m comfortable with the opposite sex (two blatantly untrue statements).

Notice that she never had anything bad to say about my academic achievements. This was all due in part to my being extremely bored with the coursework presented. She didn’t stimulate me whatsoever, and I had nothing better to do than to entertain myself. I was never ‘impulsive;’ if anything, I was frighteningly calculated in my wierdness.

The grand finale is the final comment, which reads: “Ryan is way above First Grade level work. I must always keep him busy, because if I don’t, he’s distracting others. He has no sympathy for anyone and laughs at other childrens’ mistakes. He also makes up stories and lies.

The ‘has no sympathy for anyone and laughs at other childrens’ mistakes‘ line is, without question, one of the funniest things anyone has ever written about me. I laugh my ass off every time I read it. ‘Influences others to misbehave’ comes in at a close second.

Almost 20 years later, I haven’t changed a bit, and that’s a damn shame. After all, who would want to be a overachieving, defiant, anti-authority storyteller with no time or tolerance for stupidity? What a terrible fate that would have been.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

6 Years Of The CDP.


(2004-2005 CDP Template.)


(2005-2006 CDP Template.)


(2006-2007 CDP Template.)


(2007-2009 CDP Template.)


(2009-2010 CDP Template.)

Today is the unofficial Sixth Anniversary of the Communist Dance Party. I started the CDP after my 22nd birthday, and here we still are, just two weeks after my 28th. We’ve survived over a thousand essays, tens of thousands of comments, nearly a half-million visitors, millions of Pop Culture references, billions of jokes, and one published book that’s soon to be joined by another.

Our remarkable community has sprawled rapidly outside of this site, laying claim to all aspects of Social Media. The book is available everywhere. We have a Wikipedia page. A (woefully out-of-date) Facebook Fan Group. Twitter has allowed us to virtually meet up whenever we want. CDP shirts are fading in the wash as we speak. However, no matter where we communicate, I’m honored to know that the CDP is responsible in bringing so many people together. Every now and again I’ll see two people talking online, and I’ll think to myself, “How do these people know each other? Oh yeah, the CDP!” That sort of realization is worth more to me than any silly essay I’m capable of writing. I’ve met some of you. Gotten drunk with some of you. Hugged you and slobbered into your ear (sorry about that, by the way).

No question about it, things are different now. Allow me to give you a visual representation of how much I’ve changed over the last six years. The following photo was published to the CDP in late February of 2004:

Clearly, this is something I found funny at the age of 22. Fake mustache. Bachelor. Tiny apartment. Underweight. Jet black hair. It’s almost embarrassing to look at now that I’m older.

It’s 2010 now. I’m a longtime husband and white-collar employee. Homeowner. Published author. Mature.

See? I have a real mustache now. The man I was wouldn’t even recognize the man I am.

Sound off in the comments section, give the CDP some props on SIX YEARS and enjoy your day. Lost Friday closes out the week.

Lost Friday – "What Kate Does."


Season 6 – Episode 3: “What Kate Does.”

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

I want to thank Emily at The Lost Albatross for providing me with today’s lead-off photograph, although she was inspired by a Bruce (BtotheD) tweet. I admire Emily and her blog because she’s a tremendous talent that had the drive and faith in herself to abandon the daily grind and become a self-made Renaissance woman. I admire Bruce and his tweets because he’s exactly the type of Twitter user that you should follow. Where my tweets are a delicate mix of the funny and the mundane (“eatin cookies lol!”), he’s usually in a constant state of well-crafted goodness; much like his hair.

Enough ass kissing. Let’s move on.

At approximately Noon today, my wife will be undergoing LASIK surgery. The Missus is looking forward to having her eyes corrected, as a lifetime of poor vision has left her with migraine headaches, expensive pairs of prescription glasses and a terrifying gargoyle of a husband whom she has never seen in the light of day. For her, this represents breaking free of the chains of a dulled sense; the brilliant wonder of being able to see the alarm clock without fumbling for her spectacles on the nightstand. For me, it represents being woefully broke for the next 18 months and carefully administering medicated drops to her corneal flaps without passing clean out.

You may recall that I spent the first half of January recovering from getting my Wisdom Teeth pulled (hilarious essay still forthcoming). What they did to me was heinous, no question about it. I had teeth sawn in half, corkscrewed straight out of the socket, wrapped around nerves, you name it. I even had part of my jawbone shaved down to keep my mouth from falling off, or something like that; the anesthesia came on hard halfway during the instructions. They even cut a portion of my gumline and flapped it over in order to surgically remove an impacted tooth (I think they said it was near my spinal cord), later stitching it up and making a solemn vow to never speak of the incident again, only to have me force it out of them days later at the follow-up consult. It hurt, I couldn’t eat and I swallowed a gallon of blood. It was a tremendous pain in the ass, and I’m sincerely glad it’s over.

The point I’m making is this. I’d get my Wisdom Teeth pulled every day for a month before I willingly allowed a robot to peel my cornea off and fiddle with my ocular jelly.

I know it’s relatively painless. I know the success rate is through the roof. I know that the aftercare is boringly cut and dry. Don’t care. Too scary. What that oral surgeon did to me was worthy of any Torture Porn movie, but I’d do it all over again if I knew it would save my vision just as good as LASIK could.

When you come home from LASIK, your eyes are still in the process of healing from the incisions, so they make you sleep with goggles on. Know why? So you don’t accidentally claw your corneas out while you sleep. Can…can you even fathom something so horrible? One moment, you’re blissfully and subconsciously scratching a light itch in the corner of your eye. The next moment, you’re screaming in front of the bathroom mirror, fingers crimson and gooey as you slowly fade into permanent blindness.

Okay, maybe that’s not what would happen, but I’m not taking any chances.

Perhaps I’m taking my good eyeballs for granted, and don’t know what I’d be willing to do in exchange for perfect vision because I’ve always had it. Maybe if I equated LASIK to something I really wanted to change about my body, I’d be more willing to accept the temporary discomfort for the lifetime of satisfaction. For example, I suppose I’d put up with the zappin’ and flappin’ if it made me five inches taller. Or if it leveled off that weird peg lateral tooth that I have. Or if it decreased my penis size so I could wear shorts in the Summer for once. When you put it that way, it’s already starting to hit home a little more for me.

In short, the Missus is a trooper, and I hope that LASIK is everything she thought it would be; instantly remedying her longtime struggles with vision and allowing the world to see her beautiful eyes without the barrier of prescription lenses.

Eventually, that is. She’ll be wearing those giant Senior Citizen sunglasses for awhile.

In the Alternate Timeline, Kate takes Claire to the hospital so she can have her baby, shortly after finding out that the adoption fell though. On the Present Day Island, Dogen is worried that the recently-resurrected Sayid might be batshit evil, just like Present Day Claire.

That’s it.

I’m serious.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend. If you want to continue obsessing over Lost, check out my buddies over at Surviving 815; they’ll take good care of you. In the meantime, here’s a link to every Lost Friday so far this season. See you next time.

Season 6 – Episode 1/2.

Three Items Of Interest (If You Still Find Me Interesting).

1. I know we’re just 40 days into 2010, but I wanted to give you a quick update as to how work on my next book is coming along. If you recall, I officially announced work on Book #2 at the beginning of the year, and true to the 80/20 Rule, things have been going smoothly as I take care of the easier tasks at hand.

I have completed first drafts of over 50 preexisting essays, and broke ground on a handful of brand new ones to boot. My goal is that by the end of Summer, I’ll have about 20 more new essays to join the stack come editing time. A lot of these stories will no doubt be cut or heavily tweaked during the Fall, but I wanted to enter the compilation process with as solid and varied a selection of material as possible.

At Christmas, I promised my Grandmother that she’d have the book in her hands by the end of 2010, and we’re right on track thus far. 65 Poor Life Decisions came out at the end of November 2007, and while three years between books was a little longer than I wanted (most of my 2007 interviews stated that I was already hard at work), I’m still pleased and confident that 2010 will see the release of my Sophomore effort.

2. For those that continue to ask, the next CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade 7 will most likely take place in March. I already have the theme picked out, and I’ll fill you in on everything you need to know just as soon as the date arrives. This will be our seventh Trade (we’ve had over 150 Mixes created by over 100 people), and I promise it’ll be bigger and more creative than ever.

For those who have never participated in the CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade but are interested, please keep an eye on the CDP in early March (same goes for the veterans, too); it should be a good time.

3. On Friday, I’ll be driving the Missus to TLC Laser Eye Center for Lasik surgery. As not everyone can have Superhero-esque vision like yours truly, she will be going under the bladeless knife in an attempt to shed her lifelong near-blindness. She’s eager, excited and optimistic, so if you have a minute, send some love and encouragement her way.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day. Lost Friday is up next.