Lost Friday – "Lighthouse."


Season 6 – Episode 5: “Lighthouse.”

Another Lost Friday is upon us; we have much to discuss.

But first, a quick point to be made concerning spoilers.

When referring to a television show, a ‘spoiler’ is defined as being “Any information about upcoming episodes, including cast, characters, crew, photographs, and synopses, released by any source outside of an official commercial or advertisement. Any and all information is considered a spoiler until it has been revealed in an episode that has aired in the United States.

Wonderful. Please take this in mind the next time you feel you’ve been ‘spoiled,’ yet are still three seasons (or even three minutes) behind on Lost. You cannot expect the Internet to screech to a halt and wait for you to catch up. It’s just as futile as saying, “I’m two years behind on my political coverage; don’t tell me who’s President yet!” as you run away, plugging your ears and la-la-la’ing.

In the five-year history of me babbling about Lost on the Internet, the only place where I posted spoilers was in the ‘Preview’ section of Lost Friday, something I stopped doing a year ago (and always warned the hell out of people about). Ergo, I don’t spoil. I have the first 10 episodes of FlashForward sitting in my DVR queue, yet you won’t hear me yelling at my television when I see a commercial for a new episode. I’m certain that the commercial doesn’t know or care that I’m a half-season behind.

To reiterate: I don’t spoil, and remember to tread lightly if you’re behind on a TV show.

Let’s move on.

Now that the bizarrely-mundane Episode 3 is behind us, we’ve been hit with back-to-back masterpieces here in Season 6. Mythology abound, huge plot points, Alternate Dimension loonery and the buildup of the final showdown that we’ve all been waiting for. Our beloved castaways are scattered all over the Island, each completely unaware of the secrets, trials and tribulations they have been through, all leading up to the mother of all misunderstandings. It’s a damn good thing that Time Travel is real, demonic possession is rampant, humans can survive H-Bomb blasts and Hurley can communicate with dead people, otherwise Season 6 wouldn’t have much of a leg to stand on.

But I kid; I’ve been enjoying the hell out of Season 6. The Good v. Evil storyline. The methods by which each castaway is coming to terms with their lack of Free Will. The giant, ancient structures that have been completely hidden and undiscovered by the castaways for three entire years. It’s all good, man.


(Jack’s first day with Photo Booth.)

Since the beginning, I’ve loved Jack the most when he’s suffering off of the Island. His familial struggles, issues with his ex-wife (and now, son), alcoholism and severe depression showcase one of the deepest characters on the show. Furthermore, I also think it shows Matthew Fox at his absolute best. The moments where he was attempting to bond with David this week were astonishingly heartbreaking for me. Taking the time to hook up the cable television in his room so he could watch the baseball game, rushing home with a pizza and soda to hang out with him; these scenes made me want to start crying and never stop. It felt real: Jack was trying too hard to correct the mistakes of his own father, and David simply wasn’t having any of it (at least for awhile). All that time spent being the patriarch on Party Of Five must have paid off; there’s no denying that Fox is at his best when he’s playing a vulnerable, compassionate failure of a success.

As opposed to me, playing a success of a failure. Let’s KNOCK IT OUT!

ALTERNATE TIMELINE (2004):

Jack is divorced from a yet-unknown woman, and has a teenage son (David) he’s attempting to bond with. Also, he’s helping his mother locate his late father’s will. When they locate it, they both discover the existence of Claire, and presumably the fact that she was Christian’s daughter. After watching David play the piano at a candidate recital, Jack tells him how proud of him he is, and they seem to bond for the time being.

I didn’t tear up. I did not tear up. Stop asking me if I teared up.


(Jack scrambles to remember why Haley Joel Osment is in his house.)

CURRENT TIMELINE (2007) – HURLEY AND JACK:

Hurley sees Jacob, who tells him he needs his help on a project. He claims that someone is coming to the Island, and he needs Hurley’s help to guide them. Meanwhile, Jack and Sayid talk about his supposed sickness, and how this has apparently already happened to Claire. Hurley convinces Jack to accompany him on his task after reciting to him something that his father used to say. Jack follows him with the demand that he speak to Jacob. On the way, they run into Kate who says that she is looking for Claire.


(“You don’t have what it takes, David. You don’t have…the hair.”)

On the way to the lighthouse, Jack and Hurley find themselves in the caves, where Jack sees the empty casket his father should have been in. Upon reaching the lighthouse, Hurley informs Jack that they need to turn the wheel to heading 108. We see that each number represents a different Island inhabitant/candidate (some crossed out, some not), and for each name, a scene from their past is reflected in the lighthouse mirror. When Jack stops on his number (23), he sees his childhood home, which predictably sends him into a tizzy. Jack speculates that Jacob has been watching all of them for their entire lives, and demands to speak to him immediately. When Hurley waffles, Jack destroys the mirrors.


(“Have you seen my…CON-DISH-AH-NAHH???”)

Afterward, Hurley speaks with Jacob, who informs him that his task was completed. According to Jacob, Jack needed to see how important he was, and explained that he was there to ‘do something.’ He also explains that he had to get them away from the Temple, because someone bad is about to arrive there. Hurley wants to warn the people at the temple but Jacob explains that it is already too late.


(Jacob’s Island Fondue recipe is complicated as shit, yo.)

CURRENT TIMELINE (2007) – CLAIRE’S CAMP:

Claire frees Jin from the trap and lets him know that she has been living in the jungle for the last three years. At her camp, he sees a makeshift doll in Aaron’s cradle that’s been made out of an animal carcass. Claire brings back Justin with the intent to torture him unless he tells her where Aaron is. She believes that the Others have Aaron, as the Man In Black (disguised as her father, Christian) told her so. Also, she reveals to Jin the scars of torture similar to the ones Sayid received at the hands of the Others. In order to save Justin, Jin comes clean and informs Claire that Kate took Aaron off of the Island. Claire seems interested in this admission, but kills Justin anyway.


(To be honest with you, I feel this is a step up from Aaron.)

In an effort to be set free and save Kate from harm, Jin later tells Claire that he lied in the hope of saving Justin’s life and that he had actually seen Aaron at the temple with The Others, and that she will need him to get to Aaron. Claire says that this is good, because if Kate had really taken Aaron she would have to kill her.


(Jack, wracked by the pain of losing his father, sits entranced as his cat defecates on top of his desk for six minutes, doing absolutely nothing to intervene.)

The Man In Black, disguised as Locke, walks in. Jin rhetorically asks whether it is John but Claire says “This is not John, this is my friend,” seemingly knowing the truth about the Man In Black.

I boiled it down to essentially nothing here, but this episode was absolutely insane from start to finish. Who knew that Claire could, you know, act?

I kid. Now let’s BREAK IT DOWN!

4 – The date of David’s recital is Friday the 24th. In 2004, the 24th is a Friday in September, which would place the date of the plane landing at LAX on September 22. Oh, and speaking of David’s recital, the sign for it reads ‘Welcome All Candidates.’

8 – We see a lot more names and numbers at the lighthouse. Here are a few of them:

Rousseau crossed out at 20.
Stanhope crossed out at 48.
Austen (Kate) at 51. Austen is not crossed out.
Burke crossed out at 58.
Faraday (Daniel) crossed out at 101.
Wallace crossed out at 108.
Friendly (Tom) crossed out at 109.
Linus (Ban) crossed out at 117.
Dawson crossed out at 124.
Littleton (Claire) crossed out at 313.

Take from that what you will. Maybe we will get an American Idol-type finale where we get to call in a vote for who the next Protector of the Island will be. I’m voting for Katherine McPhee.


(“You came back to the Island because you thought you were broke and needed fixing; I came back because I left a sandwich here. I’d call it a horse apiece.”)

15 – The sheet music in David’s room, that he was also playing for his audition, was for Chopin’s ‘Fantaisie-Impromptu,’ which was also the piece that young Daniel Faraday was playing in a Season 5 flashback.

16 – A poster on the wall of David’s room advertises the band Meat Coat, which is the band that Charlie tells his brother that they have the chance to open for in LA.


(“I was just popping in to collect my check. Did someone say Meat Coat? “)

23 – The church where Sawyer attended his parent’s funeral, along with the location where Jin and Sun were married, can be seen in the mirror of the lighthouse (in addition to Jack’s childhood home).

42 – Claire’s way of life, appearance and behavior mirrors that of Rousseau in many respects. She ties up and tortures an Other in her lair to find out where her child is, similarly to Rousseau torturing someone she mistook as an Other to find Alex.


(“David, who was I married to?”)

Well, there you have it. Another fantastic episode of Lost in the books. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day. The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade #7 kicks off Monday; until then, here are links to every Lost Friday so far this season, along with some other random goodness to get you through the weekend. Enjoy.

Season 6 – Episode 1/2.
Season 6 – Episode 3.
Season 6 – Episode 4.
I’m On Twitter.
I’m On Facebook.
Surviving 815.

Your New Favorite Band.

The CDP Nationwide Mix-Tape Trade #1.
Date – September 2007
Theme –
(None)

The CDP Nationwide Mix-Tape Exchange #2.
Date – February 2008
Theme –
Love & Sex

The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Exchange #3.
Date – June 2008
Theme –
Cover Songs

The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Exchange #4.
Date – October 2008
Theme –
Catchphrase

The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade #5.
Date – March 2009
Theme – Top 10 Of Everything

The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade #6.
Date – September 2009
Theme – Six Degrees

The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade #7.
Date – March 2010
Theme –
Your New Favorite Band

The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade #7 officially begins on March 1. Keep your ear to the ground.

Lost Friday rounds out the week. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Lost Friday – "The Substitute."


Season 6 – Episode 4: “The Substitute.”

Another Lost Friday is upon us. Unlike last week, we have much to discuss.

Like most of you, I’ve been spending the better part of seven days watching the Winter Olympics on NBC, MSNBC, CNBC, Telemundo, NBC2, the Nashville Network and the Spice Channel. An admitted Olympics junkie, I had my TV schedules printed and my DVR scheduled weeks before the torch was awkwardly lit by a hypothermia-riddled Wayne Gretzky, and it has delivered in leaps and bounds, despite Vancouver having little-to-no snow and temperatures reaching the mid-50’s. In 2014, I hope they have the foresight to crown a more Winter-friendly host city, like Tampa or Houston.

More so than any Olympic event, I’ve been enthralled by Curling the most. I’m the kind of guy that randomly memorizes topics on Wikipedia (an admitted risky venture; I thought Sinbad had been dead since 2005), and long ago tried to wrap my head around the mechanics, strategy and terminology of Canada’s greatest export since Peter Jennings (who has been dead since 2005). However, I hadn’t the chance to actually see it played live until this week. Like a kid on Christmas, I’ve been running through the door after work to turn on the television and sift through the six hours of hardcore Curling action I had DVR’d throughout the day.

I’m totally hooked, and I’ve got to get out there and try my hand at this thing. I like the pace, the cerebral nature of it, and the fact that I could do it drunk without killing myself. And just to prove that I’m not whistling Dixie, I will be attending the finals of the 2010 USA Curling Club National Championships on February 27.

I’m not kidding. If I see you there, the first pitcher is on me. Now let’s KNOCK IT OUT!

ALTERNATE TIMELINE (2004):

Even in an Alternate Dimension, John Locke cannot catch a break. He’s still paralyzed, he’s still working for that douchebag Randy at the box company, he wasn’t allowed to go on his walkabout (he lied to Boone on the plane), and just minutes ago, he haphazardly flung himself onto the lawn after his van’s ‘Cripple Catapult’ malfunctioned. Add some peppy music and he’s Stan Freaking Laurel.

But hey, it’s not all bad. He’s engaged to his darling Helen, they’re in the midst of planning a wedding, and he’s even on good terms with his father! No word on how that happened, or how he managed to get himself paralyzed, but there’s no time now for questions; John’s taking a bath. Nakedly.

Back at the box company, Randy outs Locke for lying about the walkabout (he was on the company dime in Sydney, after all) and promptly fires him. On his way out, Locke runs into Hurley (the new owner of the company), who throws him a bone and gets him in touch with his temp agency. Why Hurley found it necessary to become a mogul in three of the saddest and most mundane professions on Earth (Box Company, Temp Agency, Chicken Shack) is beyond me. Be bold; buy an Arena Football team or something.

On a semi-related note, it’s really cool to see Hurley rich and happy at the same time. Also, not wearing a giant t-shirt that’s ravaged with deep sweat stains.

At the temp agency, things are starting to frustrate Locke, who is demanding jobs that are a little too big for his crippled, flimsy britches. The supervisor comes out, who turns out to be Rose (who doesn’t recognize Locke from the flight). They talk about denying their individual ailments (she still has that pesky cancer), which calms John down, and Rose sets him up with a sweet substitute teacher gig.

On a personal note, there’s a deeply black humor in hiring a paralyzed guy to teach kids about sex and exercise. It’s like hiring a Creationist to teach you Astronomy.

At the still-unnamed high school (I’m going to guess it’s Widmore Tech), Locke is flourishing as a substitute, and strikes up a conversation with the European History teacher, Benjamin Linus. To anyone who went to my high school, this is a perfect fit, as my European History teacher was also the embodiment of all that was wrong and evil, and I’m pretty sure he strangled a guy with his bare hands once.

Finally, we see Locke and Helen at home, where John admits why he got fired. Helen urges Locke to call Jack based on the business card he gave him at the airport, but Locke doesn’t believe in miracles (or irony, I guess) and wants Helen to love him for who he is. They rip up the business card and presumably engage in violent, awkward intercourse.

CURRENT TIMELINE (2007):

In the foot of the Statue, Ilana is looking at the remains of her team and questioning Ben as to what happened. He claims a monster did it (he’s only partially lying), which prompts Ilana to place Jacob’s ashes into an Ash Bag (patent pending). She tells Ben that the Man In Black is now ‘recruiting,’ which sounds scarier than the Armed Forces, but not nearly as much as the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Ilana tells everyone to get to the Temple before Lockelganger brings the ruckus and the copies of Watchtower, but not before they finally bury an extremely ripe John Locke.

When Ben asks Ilana why Locke’s body needs to be brought, she responds that the Others need to know what they are up against. When asked why the Man In Black wouldn’t just change again, she claims that it is stuck in Locke’s body. This is a rare sexual condition I’ve only heard about on message boards. Ben tries to ask another question and is shot in the mouth by Ilana.

They bury Locke. Ben apologizes for murdering him. This is the least-weird part of the episode.

We then get a (awesome) Monster’s Eye View of the Dharma remnants, and I’d like to personally thank Smokey for strapping on a helmet cam for this particular scene (you can even see its reflection in the window of Sawyer’s house!). If the Man In Black is truly stuck in Locke’s body, then it’s sort of proportionate to how much a chicken can fly. He can escape for brief traipses and murder spasms, but that’s it. Lockelganer dumps Richard out of a trap suspended in a tree, and demands that he start talking.

Pay attention, because this is interesting.

Fake Locke wants Richard to come with him; join the winning team. Richard says no, and asks why he has assumed the form of Locke. Man In Black states that he took Locke’s form because Jacob trusted Locke enough to allow him to get close to him, as he was a ‘candidate’ (it’s a key word this week). Richard doesn’t know what ‘candidate’ means, to which Fake Locke finds it funny that Richard had been taking orders from Jacob all this time without even knowing what the task at hand was. Things start to get tense, but Fake Locke suddenly sees a weird, blonde-haired kid (me?) and gets sidetracked.

Richard doesn’t see the boy because he had eyeliner in his cornea.

Recruiting Richard is slow-going, so Fake Locke pays Sawyer a visit instead. He arrives to find Sawyer embarrassingly trashed and listening to Stooges records in his underwear, pinpointing the only moment in the entire run of Lost where Sawyer did something that I have also done on several occasions. Not only does Sawyer not care that he’s talking to a zombie, but he also is well-aware that he’s not even talking to the real Locke. Whiskey will do this to a man; I once had an entire conversation with a pool cue. We talked about The Avalanches; it had great taste in music. Sawyer agrees to accompany Fake Locke to an undisclosed location where he will tell him sweet secrets.

The weird-looking boy appears again, this time both Fake Locke and Sawyer can see him. Locke gives chase, where the boy reminds him “You know the rules; you can’t kill him.” This is similar to when Keamy, one of Widmore’s jackbooted thugs, killed Ben Linus’ daughter Alex, prompting Ben to exclaim, “He broke the rules!” Weirder still, this statement prompts Fake Locke to scream, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!” which is something that the real Locke would say every eight seconds.

Richard tries to lure Sawyer away from Locke, but gets scared shitless and bounds away like a skittish rabbit. It’s funny to see this guy so powerless all of a sudden.

Sawyer pulls a gun on Locke, who’s not having any of it. Locke reminds Sawyer that he was “once a man,” and is “trapped.” These sound like the words of either a Smoke Monster or a pre-op transsexual.

Once Sawyer and the Man In Black make it to the Super Secret Cave of Etchings and Stones on Scales, Fake Locke drops a bombshell on Sawyer and everyone watching the show. He says, “This is why you’re here,” and points to the ceiling of the cave, where familiar names have been written down and scratched out, presumably by Jacob. Apparently, he’s narrowing down the list of potential candidates to protect the Island. These people have all, at one point or another, been visited by Jacob in their lives, essentially wrecking their free will and inadvertently steering them to the Island.

Woah.

We’ll get back to the names, numbers, and that pee stain you just made in a second.

Of course, The Man In Black thinks this Protector nonsense is bunk, and the Island doesn’t need to be protected. He tells Sawyer that he can either wait things out and see what happens- he then crosses out Locke’s name as a reminder of what could happen-, he could take the role of protector and live a seemingly meaningless existence, or him and Fake Locke could jump ship and get the hell out of there.

Sawyer wants to leave. So they do. Smash cut; episode over.

The scene in the cave was on par with the Dharma Orientation film in Season 2; a huge plot point that explains so much, yet leaves so much more to be theorized. Who’s really in charge here? What’s so special about this place, anyway? What has everyone been eating since the barracks were destroyed?

Let’s get into it, and BREAK IT DOWN!

4. In the six-year, vast expanses of the Lost Universe, things rarely kick more ass and take more names than a John Locke-centric episode. His story the deepest and most emotional, his character the most developed and beloved, and let’s face it, he’s played by the best actor on a show chock-full of geniuses.

In the Alternate Timeline, we see that Locke seems to be on good terms with his father, even displaying a photo of him in his cubicle at work. This suggests that Locke became paralyzed in a completely different way, but how?

8. It is revealed that several of the main survivors of Oceanic 815 correspond to one of the numbers, and they are all candidates to become the next Jacob:

4- Locke (John)
8- Reyes (Hurley)
15- Ford (Sawyer)
16-Jarrah (Sayid)
23-Shephard (Jack)
42-Kwon (presumably Jin)

During Fake Locke’s monologue, he crosses out Locke’s name, as he’s dead. This raises a few questions about why Jacob had kept certain names crossed and un-crossed. For example, why are the names ‘Littleton’ and ‘Straume’ crossed out? Pertaining to Claire (Aaron too!) and Miles, neither of which are dead. Perhaps they failed some rite of passage at some point.

Perhaps Jacob is only keeping track of those that he ‘touched’ prior to the crash. If so, why are Kate and Ilana’s names crossed out? Is Jacob looking specifically for a man?

Any theories? I’m sick of thinking about this.

15. In Locke’s Flash-Sideways, we see that the temp agency worker was Hurley’s tarot card reader in the Original Timeline. Those crazy writers with their totally insignificant Easter Eggs!

16. After Locke gets fired, he cannot enter his van’s wheelchair ramp because Hurley had parked too close to it. However, the ramp shorts out and doesn’t hit Hurley’s Hummer when deployed. Maybe because Hurley is ‘lucky’ in the Alternate Timeline?

23. If Rose works for Hurley’s temp agency, did they recognize each other on the flight? If I saw a co-worker on a flight back from Sydney, I’d have to at least say something.

42. If Hurley pulled his Hummer that close to Locke’s van, how in the hell did Hurley exit his vehicle?

Enough for this week; thanks for reading. Sound off in the comments section, enjoy your weekend, and kill some time by reading up on other Lost Fridays this year:

Season 6 – Episode 1/2.
Season 6 – Episode 3.
I’m On Twitter.
I’m On Facebook.

CDP Wayback Machine – Juvenile Detention Edition.

(“1989 CDP Evaluation,” originally published 02-27-08.)

I found this First Grade Evaluation amongst a pile of papers my mother sent me late last year. You’re going to want to click on the images to make them larger. It’s worth it.

1989 Evaluation.

The handwriting on the bottom reads: “The boys think he’s really smart, but they’re getting tired of his cockiness.” She also takes the time to underline ‘impulsive’ and mention that I have an authority problem (I do), with the multiple X’s painting a picture of me that’s nothing short of unstoppable evil. On the bright side, I’m hardly ever sad, frustrated or sullen.

There’s so much more. Keep reading.

1989 Evaluation.

Again, she takes the time to mention that I’m ‘passively’ uncooperative, and circles some of the most life-scarring and potentially damaging adjectives a person can say about a child. ‘Tics?’ ‘Bizarre?’ Goddamn. I’m quite certain that they no longer use this evaluation form at Winneconne Elementary School. On the bright side, I don’t get pushed around and I’m comfortable with the opposite sex (two blatantly untrue statements).

Notice that she never had anything bad to say about my academic achievements. This was all due in part to my being extremely bored with the coursework presented. She didn’t stimulate me whatsoever, and I had nothing better to do than to entertain myself. I was never ‘impulsive;’ if anything, I was frighteningly calculated in my wierdness.

The grand finale is the final comment, which reads: “Ryan is way above First Grade level work. I must always keep him busy, because if I don’t, he’s distracting others. He has no sympathy for anyone and laughs at other childrens’ mistakes. He also makes up stories and lies.

The ‘has no sympathy for anyone and laughs at other childrens’ mistakes‘ line is, without question, one of the funniest things anyone has ever written about me. I laugh my ass off every time I read it. ‘Influences others to misbehave’ comes in at a close second.

Almost 20 years later, I haven’t changed a bit, and that’s a damn shame. After all, who would want to be a overachieving, defiant, anti-authority storyteller with no time or tolerance for stupidity? What a terrible fate that would have been.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

6 Years Of The CDP.


(2004-2005 CDP Template.)


(2005-2006 CDP Template.)


(2006-2007 CDP Template.)


(2007-2009 CDP Template.)


(2009-2010 CDP Template.)

Today is the unofficial Sixth Anniversary of the Communist Dance Party. I started the CDP after my 22nd birthday, and here we still are, just two weeks after my 28th. We’ve survived over a thousand essays, tens of thousands of comments, nearly a half-million visitors, millions of Pop Culture references, billions of jokes, and one published book that’s soon to be joined by another.

Our remarkable community has sprawled rapidly outside of this site, laying claim to all aspects of Social Media. The book is available everywhere. We have a Wikipedia page. A (woefully out-of-date) Facebook Fan Group. Twitter has allowed us to virtually meet up whenever we want. CDP shirts are fading in the wash as we speak. However, no matter where we communicate, I’m honored to know that the CDP is responsible in bringing so many people together. Every now and again I’ll see two people talking online, and I’ll think to myself, “How do these people know each other? Oh yeah, the CDP!” That sort of realization is worth more to me than any silly essay I’m capable of writing. I’ve met some of you. Gotten drunk with some of you. Hugged you and slobbered into your ear (sorry about that, by the way).

No question about it, things are different now. Allow me to give you a visual representation of how much I’ve changed over the last six years. The following photo was published to the CDP in late February of 2004:

Clearly, this is something I found funny at the age of 22. Fake mustache. Bachelor. Tiny apartment. Underweight. Jet black hair. It’s almost embarrassing to look at now that I’m older.

It’s 2010 now. I’m a longtime husband and white-collar employee. Homeowner. Published author. Mature.

See? I have a real mustache now. The man I was wouldn’t even recognize the man I am.

Sound off in the comments section, give the CDP some props on SIX YEARS and enjoy your day. Lost Friday closes out the week.

Lost Friday – "What Kate Does."


Season 6 – Episode 3: “What Kate Does.”

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

I want to thank Emily at The Lost Albatross for providing me with today’s lead-off photograph, although she was inspired by a Bruce (BtotheD) tweet. I admire Emily and her blog because she’s a tremendous talent that had the drive and faith in herself to abandon the daily grind and become a self-made Renaissance woman. I admire Bruce and his tweets because he’s exactly the type of Twitter user that you should follow. Where my tweets are a delicate mix of the funny and the mundane (“eatin cookies lol!”), he’s usually in a constant state of well-crafted goodness; much like his hair.

Enough ass kissing. Let’s move on.

At approximately Noon today, my wife will be undergoing LASIK surgery. The Missus is looking forward to having her eyes corrected, as a lifetime of poor vision has left her with migraine headaches, expensive pairs of prescription glasses and a terrifying gargoyle of a husband whom she has never seen in the light of day. For her, this represents breaking free of the chains of a dulled sense; the brilliant wonder of being able to see the alarm clock without fumbling for her spectacles on the nightstand. For me, it represents being woefully broke for the next 18 months and carefully administering medicated drops to her corneal flaps without passing clean out.

You may recall that I spent the first half of January recovering from getting my Wisdom Teeth pulled (hilarious essay still forthcoming). What they did to me was heinous, no question about it. I had teeth sawn in half, corkscrewed straight out of the socket, wrapped around nerves, you name it. I even had part of my jawbone shaved down to keep my mouth from falling off, or something like that; the anesthesia came on hard halfway during the instructions. They even cut a portion of my gumline and flapped it over in order to surgically remove an impacted tooth (I think they said it was near my spinal cord), later stitching it up and making a solemn vow to never speak of the incident again, only to have me force it out of them days later at the follow-up consult. It hurt, I couldn’t eat and I swallowed a gallon of blood. It was a tremendous pain in the ass, and I’m sincerely glad it’s over.

The point I’m making is this. I’d get my Wisdom Teeth pulled every day for a month before I willingly allowed a robot to peel my cornea off and fiddle with my ocular jelly.

I know it’s relatively painless. I know the success rate is through the roof. I know that the aftercare is boringly cut and dry. Don’t care. Too scary. What that oral surgeon did to me was worthy of any Torture Porn movie, but I’d do it all over again if I knew it would save my vision just as good as LASIK could.

When you come home from LASIK, your eyes are still in the process of healing from the incisions, so they make you sleep with goggles on. Know why? So you don’t accidentally claw your corneas out while you sleep. Can…can you even fathom something so horrible? One moment, you’re blissfully and subconsciously scratching a light itch in the corner of your eye. The next moment, you’re screaming in front of the bathroom mirror, fingers crimson and gooey as you slowly fade into permanent blindness.

Okay, maybe that’s not what would happen, but I’m not taking any chances.

Perhaps I’m taking my good eyeballs for granted, and don’t know what I’d be willing to do in exchange for perfect vision because I’ve always had it. Maybe if I equated LASIK to something I really wanted to change about my body, I’d be more willing to accept the temporary discomfort for the lifetime of satisfaction. For example, I suppose I’d put up with the zappin’ and flappin’ if it made me five inches taller. Or if it leveled off that weird peg lateral tooth that I have. Or if it decreased my penis size so I could wear shorts in the Summer for once. When you put it that way, it’s already starting to hit home a little more for me.

In short, the Missus is a trooper, and I hope that LASIK is everything she thought it would be; instantly remedying her longtime struggles with vision and allowing the world to see her beautiful eyes without the barrier of prescription lenses.

Eventually, that is. She’ll be wearing those giant Senior Citizen sunglasses for awhile.

In the Alternate Timeline, Kate takes Claire to the hospital so she can have her baby, shortly after finding out that the adoption fell though. On the Present Day Island, Dogen is worried that the recently-resurrected Sayid might be batshit evil, just like Present Day Claire.

That’s it.

I’m serious.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend. If you want to continue obsessing over Lost, check out my buddies over at Surviving 815; they’ll take good care of you. In the meantime, here’s a link to every Lost Friday so far this season. See you next time.

Season 6 – Episode 1/2.

Three Items Of Interest (If You Still Find Me Interesting).

1. I know we’re just 40 days into 2010, but I wanted to give you a quick update as to how work on my next book is coming along. If you recall, I officially announced work on Book #2 at the beginning of the year, and true to the 80/20 Rule, things have been going smoothly as I take care of the easier tasks at hand.

I have completed first drafts of over 50 preexisting essays, and broke ground on a handful of brand new ones to boot. My goal is that by the end of Summer, I’ll have about 20 more new essays to join the stack come editing time. A lot of these stories will no doubt be cut or heavily tweaked during the Fall, but I wanted to enter the compilation process with as solid and varied a selection of material as possible.

At Christmas, I promised my Grandmother that she’d have the book in her hands by the end of 2010, and we’re right on track thus far. 65 Poor Life Decisions came out at the end of November 2007, and while three years between books was a little longer than I wanted (most of my 2007 interviews stated that I was already hard at work), I’m still pleased and confident that 2010 will see the release of my Sophomore effort.

2. For those that continue to ask, the next CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade 7 will most likely take place in March. I already have the theme picked out, and I’ll fill you in on everything you need to know just as soon as the date arrives. This will be our seventh Trade (we’ve had over 150 Mixes created by over 100 people), and I promise it’ll be bigger and more creative than ever.

For those who have never participated in the CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade but are interested, please keep an eye on the CDP in early March (same goes for the veterans, too); it should be a good time.

3. On Friday, I’ll be driving the Missus to TLC Laser Eye Center for Lasik surgery. As not everyone can have Superhero-esque vision like yours truly, she will be going under the bladeless knife in an attempt to shed her lifelong near-blindness. She’s eager, excited and optimistic, so if you have a minute, send some love and encouragement her way.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day. Lost Friday is up next.

Fistfight In The Parking Lot.

http://www.hulu.com/embed/YVEFp4lescx3IOWrHFyHJw

Last weekend’s episode of SNL was fantastic; easily the best of the season (although John Hamm’s effort was great, too), and one of my favorites over the last couple years. Many, many sketches are worth your time and effort on Hulu, but nothing made me laugh harder than the final sketch of the night, starring Fred Armisen, host Ashton Kutcher and my Favorite Guy In Rock, Dave Grohl.

Enjoy. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Lost Friday – "LA X."


Season 6 – Episode 1/2: “LA X.”

The first Lost Friday of the year is upon us, as is the final Lost Season Premiere ever. We have much to discuss; try not to get too misty-eyed.

The atmosphere in my home leading up to the first episode of Lost in nearly nine months was festive to say the least, unarguably obsessive at most. So much so, that even my birthday a day earlier took a backseat to the Season Premiere. Amongst the various well-wishings and complimentary appetizer coupons at several Madison-area restaurants, all I cared about was that clock striking midnight, knowing that Lost would soon be here.

Rest assured, if I’m fortunate enough to die in a bed, my final hours will be spent watching television instead of saying goodbye to loved ones. I’ve accepted this, and I hope they will, too.


(Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you…your hero.)

As far as Season Premieres go, this one was a good combination of entertaining, understated and lightning-fast. Unless you count the appearance of the alternate-dimension storyline, there was no big shock of a revelation that we’re normally accustomed to in these episodes. Most of us had accepted that we would see something to this effect during Season 6, and I for one, love it. Furthermore, the confusion of having two different Island timelines happening at once has come to an end (thanks, Faraday!), giving us an easier-to-follow Present Day Island story, running parallel with a Do-Over story that’s absolutely brilliant so far in its execution. More on that later.

Without further adieu…let’s KNOCK IT OUT!

(In Loving Memory of The Thick & Meaty: 2006-2009.)

IN 2004, WHEN THE PLANE NEVER CRASHED:

This storyline seems to follow the path that in 1977, the H-Bomb successfully destroyed the Island, theoretically banishing it to the bottom of the sea. Furthermore, either our heroes are on a plane different from Oceanic 815, or that 815 simply does not crash.


(“Yeah, you probably forgot that I’m a major dick. Button that shirt.”)

We see some familiar banter on the plane: Jack drinking heavily, chatting with flight attendant Cindy, making nice with Rose and Bernard. Jack excuses himself to tinkle, where he notices a bleeding sore under his shirt collar. Heading back to his seat, he notices Desmond sitting next to him. They both feel as if they’ve met each other before (and they had, in the stadium where Desmond was training for his sailboat race).


(Hurley comes to the painful realization that there is no more ham left on the plane.)

In the Original Timeline, Desmond was in the Swan Hatch at this exact moment, making the decisions that would eventually lead to the plane crashing. In this Alternate Timeline, with the Island never existing for him to wash his sailboat ashore, Desmond seems to be a passenger on the plane. However, when Jack returns to his seat later in the flight, Desmond is nowhere to be seen (even Rose states that she did not see him).

Ruh-roh.


(“AAUGGHH! IT’S THE MAN IN BLACK! HELP–oh wait, it’s a mirror. Fourth time today.”)

When Jack heads to the bathroom, we start to see the re-intertwining of the survivors, as he bumps into Kate, who steals his pen in order to later free herself from the Marshal’s handcuffs.

We then see Hurley, who seems to revel in his celebrity status as the owner of Mr. Cluck’s. He tells Sawyer about his lottery winnings and proclaims himself to be the luckiest man alive, while Sawyer warns him about being taken by con men such as himself. This is in contrast to the Original Timeline, where Hurley considered himself to be plagued by bad luck, and a silent owner of the Chicken Shack.

(“ZzzzzHobbitHobbitHobbit…ZzzzzHobbitHobbitHobbit…”)

We then see Jin and Sun, who are still seething with tension. But check this out:

In the Original Timeline, we see Jin and Sun as a very unhappily married couple. Sun had already tried to flee Jin earlier, before deciding to gut it out and follow Jin to Los Angeles, where he was set to deliver a watch for Sun’s father. In the Alternate Timeline, however, we see Jin and Sun are not married (Sun is referred to as Ms. Paik, not Mrs. Kwon, and neither are wearing wedding rings). Furthermore, Sun doesn’t appear to understand English, and Jin seems to be carrying around an awful lot of American currency for an insignificant watch-delivering mission.


(“Christ, Charlie, you’re not supposed to eat heroin.”)

Back to John Locke. He strikes up a conversation with Boone, who tells him that he tried and failed to get Shannon out of a bad relationship (she’s presumably still in Australia). This is different than the Original Timeline, where Shannon agrees to follow Boone home. Furthermore, in the Alternate Timeline, John Locke was allowed to go on the walkabout, whereas in the Original Timeline, he was not.


(“I know, I should be in the Swan Hatch right now, accidentally crashing this very plane, but I’m not. You see, when you detonated that hydrogen bomb back in 1977, you sunk the Island, which meant I never washed ashore there during my race around the world, which meant that I never had to be trapped there, which means that this parallel universe had damn well better be the right one, otherwise I’m going to carve one of your gonads out with this tiny liquor bottle.”)

Meanwhile, Charlie decides to swallow a baggie of heroin in the lavatory, to which Jack and Sayid respond to save him. Charlie doesn’t appear too happy to be alive, beginning what seems to be an over-arching theory that the past cannot be changed once the future has already been decided. In the Original Timeline, Charlie merely snorts some of the junk and flushes the rest of it down the toilet.


(He’s been looking at Desmond and making this face for the last 20 minutes.)

It should be noted that while Michael and Walt are not seen on the plane in the Alternate Timeline, I wouldn’t rule out that we’re merely supposed to assume that they are there. Same goes for all of those Tail Section folk like Ana Lucia and Mr. Eko.

The plane lands safely, authorities cart Charlie away for his shenanigans, and everyone else begins to disembark. Afterwards, we find out that Oceanic Airlines cannot locate his father’s coffin, which was supposedly checked into the cargo hold. Similarly, they have also lost John Locke’s case of knives. They have a conversation about Locke’s paralysis, where Locke states that his condition is irreversible. Jack tells him that ‘nothing is irreversible,’ essentially reversing the ‘Man Of Science, Man Of Faith’ conflict that has followed Jack and Locke for years now. In the Original Timeline, both the knives and the coffin successfully stay on the plane while it crashes.


(“Oh, hey…excuse me. I was just, um…DO YOU WANNA HAVE SEX AND GET MARRIED!?!?”)

Finally, we return to see Kate and the Marshal. She picks the cuffs in the bathroom with Jack’s pen, knocks the Marshal out and escapes with his gun. She flees to an elevator, where she runs into Sawyer, who seems to be keen to what she’s up to. This seems to set up a future storyline where they work together in a satisfying and semi-attractive life of petty crime and thuggery.

Escaping the airport, Kate gets into a cab, pulls a gun on the cabbie and commands him to drive. We then see that he already has a passenger: Claire.


(Locke’s not even paralyzed here, just unabashedly hammered.)

IN PRESENT DAY, WHERE THE DETONATION WORKED:

Here’s all you really need to know about the first few minutes. Juliet’s detonation of the bomb put everyone on the same page, Island-wise. No more 1977, just present-day stuff, although complete with the Dharma vans and some other confusing remnants.


(If you don’t listen to Al Gore, this will be Nashville in 10 years.)

They spend the next few minutes attempting to save Juliet, who eventually dies from her injuries. According to Miles, she wanted to relay to Sawyer that the detonation worked.

Meanwhile, Sayid is fading from his gunshot wound. Jacob appears to Hurley (who can see dead people, remember), telling him that he can save Sayid if he takes him (and his guitar case) to the Temple.


(These are the remnants of the Black Hole Of Suck created when Jerry Jones high-fived George W. Bush at Dallas Stadium. There were no survivors.)

At the Temple, the Others are surprised to see our group and nearly shoot them, before Hurley announces that Jacob had sent them, along with the case. Dogen, the leader of the group, smashes open the ankh stored in the case, revealing a piece of paper while asking for the survivor’s names. Afterwards, Lennon (Dogen’s translator), informs Hurley that the jist of the transcript was that the Temple folk will be in trouble if Sayid dies. Through this, they decide to help heal him.


(“Everyone I’ve ever loved either gets shot or is Kate! Sick of this crap!”)

The Temple folk drag Sayid back to a Fountain Of Youth-style pool, where it appears as if it’s no longer working (no thanks in part to Jacob being killed). That being said, they still manage to dunk Sayid and seemingly drown him. This bums everyone out.


(Juliet secretly hopes that by detonating the H-Bomb, she can go back in time and not choose to star in V.)

Hurley decides to have a chat with Dogen, who can speak English. Hurley reveals that Jacob is dead, which sends the Temple folk into a tizzy, laying black powder down and sending out rocket flares, presumably a measure to protect themselves from the now-unstoppable Smoke Monster.

Oh, and Sayid? Totally alive.


(The Smoke Monster represents the line in the sand when it comes to ‘Totally Awesome’ and ‘Totally Asinine.’)

IN PRESENT DAY, AT THE STATUE:

Jacob’s Nemesis/Man In Black/Lockelganger/Smoke Monster tells Ben that Jacob is now gone, after being murdered by Mr. Linus himself. He also wants a word with Richard inside in the statue, and sends Ben out to summon him.


(I’m just going to go ahead and say it: Worst. Marshal. Ever.)

Ilana and Bram are outside, discussing entering the Statue with Richard. Richard claims that you can only go into the Statue unless you’re summoned by Jacob (which, let’s face it, won’t be happening anytime soon). Ben comes out and is immediately attacked by Richard, who shows him Locke’s corpse. Ben pisses himself, realizes just what happened, and goes back into the Statue with Ilana and her men.


(Sawyer’s such a pimp, he can even nail Kate in an alternate dimension.)

Back inside the Statue, Jacob’s Nemesis informs the crew that Jacob is dead, and deflects a few of their bullets as proof of his power. He then assumes the form of the Smoke Monster, killing damn near everyone in a remarkable display of awesomeness and idiocy. After the melee, Smokey assumes the form of Locke again and apologizes to Ben for “having to see him like that.”


(Geddy Lee shows up to set us straight on a few things. A few proggy things.)

The flares from the Temple are seen from the beach as Ben and Jacob’s Nemesis (as Locke) exit the Statue. Those outside attempt to fire at the Lockelganger, but are halted by Richard. The Nemesis tells Richard that it’s good to see him “without his chains.” A stunned Richard replies with “you?”, and is promptly beaten soundly. The Nemesis then turns to the rest of the Others, including Sun and Frank Lapidus, and states that he is “very disappointed with all of you,” before making his way past the real John Locke’s body, a battered Richard in tow.

Smash cut; episode over.


(When you look like this, you’re contractually obligated to be a Shaolin Kung Fu master.)

On one hand, I feel like this episode didn’t mess around. We picked up right where we left off at the end of Season 5, and shot ourselves right into the aftermath. On the other hand, I honestly feel that the Island portion of the episode didn’t tell us too much stuff (besides the link between Smokey and Jacob’s Nemesis), and they coasted a little bit in an attempt to get everyone on the same page as far as the parallel storylines were concerned. Either way, I quite enjoyed it.

Alright, enough with the overview, it’s time to BREAK IT DOWN!

1 – There were a lot of great quotes this week, from Charlie’s “I’m supposed to be dead,” to Jack’s “nothing is irreversible.” However, the one that got the biggest reaction out of me was during Locke’s Baggage Claim conversation with a corpse-less Jack Shepherd:

“Well, I hope you find that coffin.”

I laughed straight through to the commercial.


(Waaaait a minute…an Ankh in a guitar case? A mysterious temple? Geddy Lee? Is this all leading up to a cross-promotion with Rush? A Grace Under Pressure re-release, perhaps?)

2 – Out of all the things that happened in the Alternate Timeline, the one that struck me most interesting was the brief appearance and disappearance of Desmond. In the Original Timeline, he had already been on the Island for three years at this point, pressing the button in the Swan Hatch. How he ended up on Oceanic in the Alternate Timeline is still anyone’s guess, although his mysterious disappearance from the flight might prove that he was merely a figment of Jack’s imagination.


(Frogurt represents every Lost fan that has ever asked Damon Lindleof a dumbass question at a comic book convention. Looks like one, too.)

3 – Allowing a storyline where the entire series can start over from the beginning is absolutely brilliant for a show as deep as Lost. Just when you think they can’t tell the story from any more angles, they continue to heap on the layers and intrigue. While it’s debatable that Lost is the greatest drama in TV history, there’s no arguing that it’s been the most well-written. No other show has even come close to dissecting the narrative as much as Lost has over the last six years.

What I think we’re going to see in the Alternate Timeline is the fact that the lives of these people are not better off now that the plane never crashed. Their lives are still going to intertwine, but the bulk of them are not good people (or are not in good places), so it’s silly to reason that they will get (or deserve) a happy ending.


(“Cab dry-vah, please take me to MY BAYY-BEEEE!!!”)

4 – As much as I don’t want to talk about the On-Island portion of this episode, I suppose it’s extremely important as far as the ‘Good v. Evil’ battle that we’ve seen brewing for so long. You know by now that I’m more interested in the plausible mythology of the show, as opposed to fountains of youth and clouds of smoke that sound like dot matrix printers. That all being said, they’re building to something epic, that’s for damn sure.

5 – Will we ever, EVER, get a flashback episode that tells us what has happened to Cindy, the flight attendant, over the last few years? Her story, to me, is the most intriguing part of the mythology that we’ll probably never get a definitive answer to.

Time to analyze the subliminal, quirky and creepy, with…THE NUMBERS.

4 – When Desmond quickly exits the conversation with Jack on the plane, you can see that he’s wearing a wedding ring. Presumably, this means that he’s already married to Penny Widmore at this point.

8 – In the Alternate Timeline, Boone tells Locke that if the plane goes down, he’s sticking with him. In the Original Timeline, this is what leads to Boone’s death.


(Wait, did I say Geddy Lee? I meant
Amy Sedaris.)

15 – This is the first episode of Lost to air on a Tuesday in the United States.

16 – The voice-over of Oceanic pilot Seth Norris (played by Greg Grunberg) was done by Greg himself for continuity purposes.


(“Hello, can you please connect me with Corpse Baggage Claim?”)

23 – Remember the Halliburton suitcase that Kate was so obsessed with retrieving from the Marshal? You know, the one that contained Tom Brennan’s toy airplane? Well, in the Alternate Timeline, Kate merely leaves it in the bathroom with the beaten Marshal, not even giving it a second look.

42 – In the Alternate Timeline, Sayid appears to have an Iranian, not Iraqi passport, while sitting on the plane.

Cover your ears! Spoilers ahoy! It’s time for THE PREVIEW!


Next week’s episode (06×03) will be titled “What Kate Does.” We will be following Kate and Claire’s taxicab ride, which will focus on a pregnant Claire determining what to do with her still-unborn Aaron.

Well, there you have it; the very first Lost Friday of the year in the books. I had some rust to shake off, but I think it turned out relatively well. I tend to get better the angrier I get with the series (typically by episode 5). Sound off in the comments section, enjoy your weekend and be sure to come back next week. Thanks much.

LOST – Season 5 Caption Edition.

In honor of Lost‘s Sixth (and final) season, we here at the CDP are devoting the entire week to our favorite Island-based Time Travel drama. Today, a whopping 50 of the best Lost Friday photo captions from Season 5. Enjoy.

Also remember to come back tomorrow, for the very first Lost Friday of the season.


(“Okay John, let me bring you up to speed. When Ben went into the Orchid Station, he blew apart the vault that the Dharma Initiative used for time-traveling experiments, and descended into the core of the Island where he found this frozen donkey wheel that pretty much navigates this place through time and space. So anyway, he spun the wheel, warp-whistled himself to the Sahara Desert, and left this place stuttering across the Universe, with us along for the ride. At this point, you’re going to be thrust fairly violently from one date to the next while Ben tries to round up all of your Oceanic 6 buddies for an Island reunion, including your future corpse. Still with me? Good, because Ethan, a guy that Charlie shot to death four months ago, just shot you in the leg and you’re bleeding to death. The next time I see you, I won’t have any idea who you are, so give me this compass and pray that I’m not in a killing mood. Tally-Ho!”)


(“Christ, I didn’t get a word of that. Did he say something about a donkey? Why does my leg hurt?”)


(“Hello, I’m Neil. I’m annoying, overbearing and have never been featured on the show until this very moment, which means that I should have a flaming arrow piercing my chest cavity right…about…”)


(“WAAAAAAALLLLLLLLT!!!!”)


(“Um, Sun? I don’t really know how to explain this Ultrasound, so I’m just going to show it to you. You haven’t been making love with any pirate ships recently, have you?”)


(Knowing Shih-Tzu owners, I get the feeling that this was one of the smaller shirts sold that day.)


(“You’re right, you’re totally right; at this point, the fact that I’m still wearing a tie is smug and cocky at best.”)


(“Do you have any idea how drunk you were going back there?”)


(Claire’s best acting in four years.)


(It’s stale, flat, canned and at least 30 years old, but it’s still better than Old Style.)


(“Shotgun.”)
(“No way, dude.”)
(“What do you mean? I called it first.”)
(“Doesn’t matter. I’ve known him longer.”)
(“That means nothing regarding Shotgun Rules. I called it first, and that’s final.”)
(“Jack, who gets shotgun?”)
(“It’s not up to Jack! I called it first!”)
(“Why do we keep having this argument?”)
(“Because you keep being a jerk about it!”)
(“I really should have killed you back on the Island.”)
(“Ditto.”)


(“My name is Charlotte. I was born on this island and left with my mother when I was a kid. I became an anthropologist because I wanted to find this place again, and I think that Daniel may have traveled back in time here and rambled incessantly to me when I was a child. This is all the relevant information that my character has, so I can now die. Thank you for your time.”)


(“No Charlotte, please don’t die. I still have so many things that I want to half-heartedly mumble in your general direction!”)


(In The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, the answer to everything is 42. Well, on Lost, the answer to everything is Christian Shephard. “What’s the capital of Spain?” “Christian Shephard.”)


(“WAAAAAALLLLLLLT!!!”)


(If there was a complex, scientific nerve center underneath every Catholic church in America, the resulting Black Hole of Irony would disseminate every living being on the planet.)


(At least we know that Locke is going to have that delicious, Smokehouse flavor.)


(“Look, dude. I bought all 78 of those seats, so I expect to be given all 78 of those meals.”)


(This photograph marks the first and last time that Vodka and Shoe Polish will ever share the same rocks glass.)


(Why You Should Smoke After Every Meal – Page 60)
(Why Women Shouldn’t Have Jobs – Page 48)
(Why Colored People Smell Funny – Page 88)
(Why Children Should Be Beaten After Every Meal – Page 61)


(“With his HoverRound, John Locke is free to see the world!”)


(Stephen Hawking’s grocery list.)


(“Hour 36 of listening to ‘We Built This City’ on a constant loop – Subject is delirious; practically begging for death.”)


(“JACK YOU DONT UNDERSTAND BEN LEFT AND SPUN THIS WHEEL AND SENT THE ISLAND THROUGH TIME AND EVERYONES IN TROUBLE AND EVERYONES GOT BLOODY NOSES AND I HAVE TO SAVE EVERYBODY BY BRINGING EVERYONE BACK SO I BROKE MY LEG AND SPUN THE WHEEL AND THEN WIDMORE GAVE ME A PASSPORT AND THE GUY FROM FRINGE TO DRIVE ME AROUND BUT THEN HE GOT SHOT TEN TIMES AND YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME!”)


(The first TiVo was significantly more complicated than present day.)


(This guy is the Anti-Sullenberger. I mean, this guy crashes more planes than the Luftwaffe. But seriously, folks.)


(Internet porn in 1977 was lacking at best.)


(“Dad, drop us off at the end of the street. I don’t want my friends at the dance to see you.”)


(Not Pictured: The eight dudes standing behind Hurley.)


(“…And then the grasshopper says, “you have a drink named Steve?” LOLOLOLOL!!!1!”)


(“Here’s breakfast, guys. I ate most of it on the way over here, but there’s plenty of fruit left.”)


(“Hmm…I think I’ll shoot a child in the heart today.”)


(Hey, you know what they say. ‘If this van’s a-flaming, don’t bother trying to drive it, because it’s on fire, you dumbass.’)


(“WRENCHES!”)


(“I’m never gonna WHARRGRRBL dance again, guilty feet have BLARGHALABA got no rhythm, thought it’s easy GAAAAHHHHRB to pretend, I know you’re GOLOLOLGGGH not a fool!!!”)


(Walgreens: Voted ‘The Best Place To Abandon Your Child’ for the twentieth year in a row.)


(Wait a minute…where have I seen this before…)


(Man, just when I think I have this show figured out.)


(Hurley: The Thing That Only Eats Hippies.)


(“God…why did I have to steal such a loser of a kid?”)


(“If I don’t have a home pregnancy test and a Bacon Wave in my hands in less than three seconds, you will rue the day I entered this Walgreens, sir.”)


(I’ve gotta say, Ben’s tube top is not working for him at all.)


(Richard Alpert and a young Ben Linus re-create the famous Titanic scene, with extremely uncomfortable results for the viewing audience.)


(Action Linus! Slab Bulkhead! Fridge Largemeat! Punt Speedchunk! Butch Deadlift! Bold Bigflank! Splint Chesthair! Flint Ironstag! Bolt VanderHuge! Thick McRunFast! Blast Hardcheese! Buff Drinklots! Trunk Slamchest! Fist Rockbone! Stump Beefknob! Smash Lampjaw! Punch Rockgroin! Buck Plankchest! Stump Chunkman! Rip Steakface! Slate Slabrock! Crud Bonemeal! Rip Slagcheek! Punch Sideiron! Gristle McThornBody! Slake Fistcrunch! Buff Hardback! Blast Thickneck! Crunch Buttsteak! Slab Squatthrust! Lump Beefbroth! Touch Rustrod! Reef Blastbody! Big McLargeHuge! Smoke Manmuscle! Pete Punchbeef! Pack Blowfist! Roll Fizzlebeef!)


(“Okay guys, here’s the scoop. When we get into the Temple, we’re looking for the Lost Hat Of Napoleon. I’ve been told that it’s located in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey, but it’s protected by two, maybe three different Temple Guards. We only have ond-and-a-half Pendants of Life, so if one of us makes it to the Throne of the Pretender, you can grab the other half there. We only have three minutes, or we can kiss that trip to Space Camp goodbye, and I’m not leaving here with nothing but a goddamn savings bond. Silver Snakes ahoy!”)


(The Sex Offender Registry clearly listed the ramifications of drunkenly hanging out on the playground, but Roger wasn’t having any of it.)


(Juliet and Sawyer typically frittered away their evenings by throwing Cheetos into each other’s mouths.)


(“This isn’t to share, dude; this is just my lunchbox.”)


(“I need to make sure that my son is okay, so he can brutally murder me in 20 years!”)


(If you’re glad that Sayid’s back, say ‘HOOOO!!!’)

There you have it. Tomorrow, we’ll begin things proper with the first Lost Friday of the year. While you’re waiting, head on over to my favorite Lost community on the web, SURVIVING815.COM. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.