I Have A Black Belt In Armchair Jiu-Jitsu

A few weeks ago, I was fortunate enough to take in my first-ever live MMA event, when I attended the Madtown Throwdown here in Madison, Wisconsin. The show was fantastic, the production and talent were top-notch, and I honestly think that we have an awesome group of up-and-coming fighters that could potentially make waves worldwide in the next few years.

The Missus had a prior engagement that night, so I flew solo for the event. This caused a slight bit of discomfort, as I was given a bleacher seat wedged between two of the fattest dudes I’ve ever seen outside of the Guinness Book of World Records. I’m a small enough guy, but it was a tight fit to say the least, and the event itself lasted for somewhere in the neighborhood of six hours. Still, I faught through the pain; they were nice guys and took great pleasure in drunkenly shaking me back and forth whenever they delivered the punchline of a sexist joke. Good people.

As I sat there and attempted to immerse myself in the action taking place inside the cage, I began to hypothesize (absurdly so) about my own potential talents as a Mixed Martial-Artist. I mean, I’m in good shape, adequate height and weight, good diet, lots of energy, free of cigarrettes and drugs, great knowledge of the MMA game and all it entails. Hey, why not me?

Who’s to say that after a solid year or two of serious gym training and getting whipped into fighting shape, that I couldn’t step inside the Octagon and have an honest crack at knocking some bitches out? I’m smart, I’m tough, I’m dedicated and I love the sport! Yes…YES! I’m going to peel myself off of the proverbial Couch of Life and GO FOR IT!

This epiphany had made me quite hungry, so I decided to take a break from the previous four hours of decrepit, fetal bleacher seating and grab some nachos. Without stretching and with an unnecessary amount of upward propulsion, I squirted myself free from the crushing Black Hole of the huge guys on my left and right, took a big step forward and promptly pulled my groin.

Read that again. I pulled my groin at the Madtown Throwdown…as a spectator…because I stood up too fast to get nachos.

I tapped out to nachos. It finally went away entirely early this week, but it taught me a very important lesson about not only the ravages of age and mortality, but that I should never, under any circumstances whatsoever, try to fight for a living.

God is imaginary.

(2005, 2006, 2007, 2008)

5 thoughts on “I Have A Black Belt In Armchair Jiu-Jitsu

  1. There is nothing fun about getting older. After the Great Taste this year I managed to strain my shoulder and pull an oblique playing Wii tennis. I also had a few abrasions on my forearms, but that had little to do with age and more to do with a drunken decision to slide through a large pile of ice cubes right after closing.


  2. I was starting to run into ridiculous injuries like these when I began going to the gym and mountain biking in earnest last year. I can honestly say that I feel about a million times better now, and only occasionally pull my groin while going for nachos.


  3. WALLROCK – Yeah, you don't bounce back nearly as fast anymore. Course, I've been pulling my groin for over a decade now, so I must just have something wrong with me.

    CELIA – Now I want to play Wii Sports tonight!

    EMILY – I'm in pretty good physical form, but yeah, those groin pulls will sneak up on you.


  4. 30 is creeping up on me, but I feel fortunate that I have yet to injure myself playing Wii. However, MarioKart is causing me to go back on my promise to stop swearing so much.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s