It’s A Brassicaceae Massacre! Evacuate At Once!

What I Said To Anyone Who Would Listen To Me:

I smell gas! I’m telling you, there’s a gas leak in this office! We need to call the Fire Department and get everyone out of here! There’s no time to speculate, this place could blow at any minute!

What The Building Supervisor Said To Me:

Yeah, I found your ‘gas leak.’ It was actually some cabbage that was left in the break room over the weekend.

What I Said In Return:

Thank you for your time.

God is imaginary.

13 thoughts on “It’s A Brassicaceae Massacre! Evacuate At Once!

  1. This should really be the title of my next book. I could use the attention that the controversy would provide. It's like the new version of 'F*** My Life' or 'Worst Day Ever.'

    And if there's anyone out there that doesn't realize that I'm making a comedic and exaggerated caricature out of myself by blowing the most insignificant events of my life completely out of proportion and analyzing them to pieces until they somehow force me to question the very existence of a creator, then you really should have caught on by now, because that's the device in every essay I've ever written.


  2. WALLROCK – I know it's cliche and commonplace in every office building around the world, but this sort of thing happens almost every month where I work. It's always a critical, Hazmat-esque situation, too. Communal fridges are the tool of the devil.

    CAITLIN – Yeah, that's what I was sort of hoping for, but I instead became 'The Boy Who Cried Cabbage.'


  3. I also know the travails of a workplace fridge quite well. I can still remember the odor of the one at my first job, a amalgamation of different smells that would become imbued in whatever was placed inside. It was kind of like sour egg salad and onions, and unless your lunch was tightly sealed up it would smell like that too.

    What I find more inexplicable is that someone actually thought cabbage would be an appropriate lunch option.

    Anyone else excited for RiffTrax tonight? I didn't know about it being tonight until this afternoon – for some reason I misread the article and was under the impression it was in September.


  4. …..Aaaand I just got back from RiffTrax Live, and it was without a doubt the funniest theater experience I've ever had. Perfect all around. Awesome job.


  5. I'm glad that I got mine ahead of time too. I think the only other possible contender to the title of “Funniest Theater Experience” would be the time I saw Ghostbusters Halloween night at the old University Square theater. Great time!

    After the show ended I said to my friend and old roommate, “I wonder if it could have been even better if it were Saturday morning and we were hung over?” Doubtful, but the whole thing brought back so many awesome memories.


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