(Photo of Zeinert as authorities kicked down the door of his penthouse suite.)
EXCLUSIVE! ZEINERT CAPTURED!
The search is officially over. Ryan J. Zeinert, the beloved blogger, author and freelance whore who has been missing since July 5, has been located, captured and dragged screaming into custody by authorities.
After many false-starts and misinformed leads following his disappearance, Zeinert was finally photographed late last week by an anonymous tipster in Dubuque, Iowa, where he had been seen galavanting/cavorting with an underage escort. This escort turned out to be an informant called in to track down and located Zeinert as he cris-crossed the Tri-State and Mississippi River landscape. We have now learned that not only was she was responsible for providing police with information behind Zeinert’s whereabouts, but that she was actually a man.
When questioned, Zeinert replied, “B*tch set me up.“
While it is still unknown why Zeinert fled his home at the beginning of the month and began his reclusive trek, the question on everyone’s mind is how soon he can get back to writing essays for the CDP, and how soon can we expect his next book to be completed.
Zeinert’s remarks were cryptic. “Never. Never and shut up,” he replied.
The CDP should return with a month’s worth of all-new essays in August.