EXCLUSIVE! PHOTO OF MISSING BLOGGER VERIFIED BY WIFE.
Ryan J Zeinert, the beloved author that has been missing since July 5, has finally been legitimately photographed by an unknown source that is now verified genuine by Zeinert’s wife. Previous submitted photographs of the missing writer have now been proven false.
The above picture, taken by what is assumed to be an underage escort hired by Zeinert to criss-cross the Tri-State area with him, is indeed Zeinert, in what appears to be an elevator within the Hotel Julien, a newly-renovated lounge in downtown Dubuque, Iowa. This had added credibility to the swirling rumors that Zeinert has been traveling along the Mississippi river for the last three weeks, working on his next book.
“What the hell is he doing in Dubuque?” wondered his wife, Celia. “And why must he always wear that disgusting plaid shirt everywhere he goes? He looks like a bulimic lumberjack.“
Authorities say that they are now closer than ever to capturing Zeinert and getting him back to Wisconsin safely, where he will be forced at gunpoint to continue writing essays.
“He owes us big,” chimed one lifelong CDP fan. “His site has been borderline unreadable all Summer. Even more so than usual.“
As always, if you have any tips or news to share, please send them to firstname.lastname@example.org. The CDP will continue to run archival and ‘lost’ essays in Zeinert’s absence.