Free MySpace Poetry – Volume 2.

Are you a sensitive boy or girl on MySpace? Are you pining for that perfect piece of personal poetry or private prose that will perpetuate your pathetic pomposity? Do you want to appear emotional and deep, but just don’t have the effort and creativity?

Look no further!

We here at the CDP have once again composed Free MySpace Poetry just for you! Simply choose the piece that best represents your suffering, lifeless and eternally tortured soul; then copy, paste and watch the friend requests roll in!

Example #1 – Four-Line Sonnet (ABCB)

It hurts so much to love you
Which leads me to inquire

Whenever we’re in bed
Must you always set me on fire?

Example #2 – Haiku (5-7-5)

Heart is on my sleeve
For you to do as you wish
Can’t…breathe…Need…Heart…Back.

Example #3 – Limerick (AABBA)

I work at a self-service station
And I’ll admit, it’s a weak occupation

But I fill up for free, and the coffee’s on me

During our Grand Opening celebration.

Example #4 – Rubaiyat (AABA)

You took off your clothes in front of me
And I saw everything I had been waiting to see

If I could ask just one question, I would say

Grandma, why are you doing this to me?

Example #5 – Cinquain (ABABB)

When I poked you on Facebook, you were one-of-a-kind
I knew you’d never bother me with meme’s and apps

But now it’s six months later, and there’s something on my mind

Why do you always write me in all caps?

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS WRITE ME IN ALL CAPS???


Example #6 – Terza rima (ABA BCB…)

Kiss me before this night is through
And I’ll never forget it as long as I live

It’s New Year’s Eve, and I’m rockin’ with you

Even though you have nothing left to give
Just wrap your arms around me, Dick Clark

Oh, that’s right; forgot about your stroke. You forgive?

Example #7 – Ottava Rima (ABAB AB CC)

Tina Fey, you really have to stop calling me
For the good of my household and marriage
I fully understand your desire to make love to me

In the back of a horse-drawn carriage

But believe me; I’m telling you seriously
My wife will insist and disparage


She has Pampered Chef knives that are sharper than skin

And will see to it that you’re never seen again.


Example #8 – Petrarchan Sonnet (A8BBA8 A8BBA8 C8DE C8DE)

Let’s close down the bar together
We’ll flip the chairs and strike the lights

Drunkenly stumble into the dead of night

And wander around forever.

Rain, snow, whatever the weather
Your breath is warm, your eyes are bright

Your body is keeping me warm tonight

Am I driving you home? Never.

I’m never going to let you go
I know your moves, you’re not so keen

Nobody can conquer you but me.

Let’s drop the quarter; here we go
I’m settling for nothing less than a Kill Screen

Because you’re totally a Ms. Pac-Man machine.


Example #9 – Shakespearean Sonnet (ABAB CDCD EFEF GG)


This long-distance relationship has got to end

So I’m offering an ultimatum to you

Just admit to me that we’re better off friends
Just look me in the eyes and tell me that we’re through.

You knew that this would happen from the very start
Things just got out of hand way too fast

I stole your youth, and you stole my heart

And we need to leave it all in the past.

So kiss me once more, and I’ll walk out that door
Face the music and put my hands over my head

Do exactly as I’m told, and drop to the floor

So the authorities don’t shoot me dead.

Why didn’t you tell me that you were eleven?
Why didn’t you tell me that you were eleven?

Feel free to use as many of these as you want. I’ll leave it up to you if you want to credit the CDP or not; I’m just here to help.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

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Lost Friday – "He’s Our You."


Season 5 – Episode 10: “He’s Our You.”

Another Lost Friday is upon us. Hey, I’m on Twitter!

If you’ve noticed the mini-feed over in the sidebar, I’m using Twitter as a way to keep in touch with the vast CDP Network in between essays (I’m on pace for over 25,000 hits this month; thanks much). I came up with the idea after spending Tuesday afternoon in a hospital waiting room, and realizing that I really wanted to update the CDP with my iPhone. So check in even more frequently than usual and enjoy an even deeper peek into whatever the hell it is that I do with my time throughout the week.

Speaking of Waiting Rooms, I just got back from the Dentist’s Office, where I’m once again cavity-free, yet I feel as if I’ve had my molars bashed with an aluminum bat. They have demanded that I get my wisdom teeth removed this Summer, and I’m only looking forward to it for the comedic potential and good drugs. Oh, and it’s all covered by insurance, which will eliminate my Plan B Payment Cycle, which called for eight months of cheese sandwiches and a crash course in how to make low-grade methamphetamine.

I enjoyed this week’s episode of Lost. In order for us to get from Point A to Point B in this series (or is it Point B to Point C to point A?), something needs to happen that causes the Flight 815’ers (and stray Dharma folk like Juliet) to retreat back into the jungle for a final showdown. Judging by the way things are going down, I predict one hell of an Episode 12. Deaths and kaboom and whatnot.

And hey, your guess is as good as mine what Sayid’s dusting off of Little Ben does for the outcome of the series. Did it change the future? Did it do nothing? Will there still be a purge? Did it cause the entire show to no longer exist? Do I still exist?

Beats me; be patient. Now, make with the funny, Joke Monkey.


(“…And then the grasshopper says, “you have a drink named Steve?” LOLOLOLOL!!!1!”)


(Settle a bet for me. Are serial killers naturally drawn to this particular style of eyeglass frame, or do the frames themselves create serial killers?)


(Gene Wilder makes a Sweeps Week cameo appearance.)


(“Why don’t you recycle that Gene Wilder joke one more time, Robin Williams? Maybe this time, someone will laugh.”)


(My cat does the same thing when we have to administer her ear medication.)


(Case in point with the eyeglass frame thing. The casting of Oldham was so good, I actually thought they just pulled a guy off Death Row and told him to act natural.)


(Stupid, stupid Sayid. Never accept a square-headed prostitute’s proposition for sex in a hotel lounge. That’s Hitman Rule #1.)


(The lead singer of the Shins is relieved of his security duties.)


(“Here’s breakfast, guys. I ate most of it on the way over here, but there’s plenty of fruit left.”)


(“Hmm…I think I’ll shoot a child in the heart today.”)


(Hey, you know what they say. ‘If this van’s a-flaming, don’t bother trying to drive it, because it’s on fire, you dumbass.’)


(“You see, if I kill Ben Linus when he’s a child, then he’ll never grow up to be responsible for the death of my wife, Nadia, which means that I’ll never take misdirected vengeance against the wrong people through the manipulation of Ben, which would lead to my arrest and eventual crash-landing back on the Island in 1977, giving me the opportunity to kill Ben Linus as a child.”)


(Tim Geithner tries to make toast. We’re never getting our money back, kids.)


(“WRENCHES!”)

Well, there you have it; another Lost Friday in the books. Start the conversation in the comments section and enjoy your weekend. Keep an eye on my Twitter feed all weekend, and come back on Monday for more funny stuff. And just in case you need a little more company today, here are links to every Lost Friday so far this season. Later.

Season 5 – Episode 1/2 Review.
Season 5 – Episode 4 Review.
Season 5 – Episode 5 Review.
Season 5 – Episode 6 Review.
Season 5 – Episode 7 Review.
Season 5 – Episode 9 Review.

No More Entertainment #6 – QVC Is Awesome.

The CDP’s Top 5 Favorite QVC Clips.

As a child who grew up in the 80’s with insomnia and without cable television, Home Shopping has always held a special place in my heart. From around 1 to 4am each weeknight, the local ABC affiliate would switch over to HSN, QVC, Shop At Home, or any other of the dozens of late-night hucksters across the airwaves, shilling next-to-worthless merchandise to lonely housewives and the mentally ill. I never bought any of the stuff, as collecting coins and dusting Tiffany lamps were never my thing, but I still get a kick out of rooting through YouTube and checking out classic (and current) bloopers from the genre.

The reason we laugh at these clips is the same reason we laugh at news bloopers, and one of the fundamentals of Comedy as a whole. These people are trying as hard as they can to cling onto their dignity. They’re dressed nicely, committed to perfection on live television, and there’s essentially nothing but a thin, brittle veil standing between them and utter embarrassment on any number of levels. If a broken-down shell of a man accidentally stabs himself with a katana sword in his workshop, it’s a tragedy. When a television host does it on the air and actually attempts to play it off as if nothing happened, it’s nearly the definition of Comedy.

In the upcoming six assembled clips, I’ve attempted to put together a short glossary as to the primary ways you can be humiliated on live television; specifically, Home Shopping Television.

Enjoy.

Honorable Mention – ‘The TelShop Blooper Collection.’

Method Of Humiliation – Hara-Kiri.

The Skinny – Smarmy jerk gets stabbed in the chest by a faulty sword, and is in so much pain that he cannot even pretend to hide it. Broadcast partner comes in for the save, shows no remorse or concern whatsoever, and even makes fun of the guy a little. Does it get any funnier?

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day. To tide you over, here are backlinks to every No More Entertainment so far this year:

The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade 5 Deadline.



Today is the deadline for the CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade #5, so get those mixes in the mail by the end of the day today! Unless you haven’t already gotten back to me and your Mix Buddy with a damn good excuse (like an emergency appendectomy, out of the country on Spring Break, creating a 100-track Mix, or suffering a broken elbow), don’t expect any sympathy from myself or the CDP faithful when it’s discovered that you’ve gone deadbeat. It’s just like when you don’t get the Big Wheel around all the way on The Price Is Right; even the elderly and frail get booed when they’re unable to accomplish such a simple task. Don’t let me down.

As I’ve mentioned before, any Mix-Tapes sent my way by the end of the month will not only be reviewed right here on the CDP, but also enters the creator of said Mix into a drawing for a FREE CDP MIX-TAPE SHIRT. Not too shabby.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy the first Monday of Spring. More funny stuff tomorrow.

Lost Friday – "Namaste."


Season 5 – Episode 9: “Namaste.”

Another Lost Friday is upon us. Betty White is the funniest female actress of our time.

I swear, I’ve never seen Betty White in anything that didn’t make me laugh my ass off. Her cameo in My Name Is Earl last night easily made the episode the best of the season. Seriously, I think she’s the funniest female entertainer I’ve ever seen, and I’m including Lucille Ball. And yes, I’m factoring in that Betty White is essentially the sweetest lady on Earth, and Lucille Ball was a complete bitch, so take that into consideration.

Since we’re on the topic of last night’s ‘Must-See Thursday,’ I want to draw attention to The Office, and strongly encourage anyone and everyone to check out this episode in any way you can. It was nowhere near the funniest episode of the season, but it was clearly the most important episode they’ve done in at least two years. Anyone who has ever worked in a cubicle-based environment, especially in this current economical climate, will simultaneously cringe and applaud this episode that hits way too close to home to be laughed off and forgotten. It was really, really fantastic.

Onto this week’s episode of Lost, I enjoyed it a lot more than the episode from two weeks back. It has answered questions, reunited most of the Oceanic 6 (why did Sun end up on the other island…in the present day?), and more or less got us comfortable with the current situation. I enjoyed watching the borderline-slapstick nature of Sawyer running around, trying to cover everyone’s asses once they warp-whistled into 1977, and I think we’re setting up for a tremendous second half of Season 5.

And hey, since I took last week off, this week’s Lost Friday is Super-Sized! Now let’s make with the ha-ha, Joke Monkey!


(“Dear CDP. It has been days since I’ve last kissed your masculine, bearded face. I miss you so much; I feel like I may burst if I do not feel your soft caress soon. Please send erotic photos. Love, Sun.”)


(“Damn it, when did The Outfield release ‘Your Love’ as a single? Was it 1985 or 1986?”)


(“Jack, for God’s sake, put your shirt back on.”)


(Frank laments getting the cheapest spray-on tan imaginable.)


(“Um, do you want ham or chicken for your dinner selection? Hello?”)


(“Yo, Jordin Sparks, wake up.”)


(“Sun, be honest with me, does my wang look infected to you?”)


(Sawyer’s sideburns are 1977 approved!)


(Not wasting any time in 1977, Jack helps himself to some high-quality, Dharma Initiative-sanctioned weed.)


(Jack accidentally refers to Jin as ‘that Chinese guy’ for the last time.)


(“What the hell do you mean the Playboy Channel didn’t exist in 1977?”)


(“Hey, check this out. So, like, it’s like a hatch, right? Only, instead of steel and concrete and stuff, it’s made entirely out of hemp and hacky sack beads.”)


(The first TiVo was significantly more complicated than present day.)


(“Hello there. I’m ‘Dead In A Week Guy.’ Nice to meet you…oops, I’m dead.”)


(This guy is the Anti-Sullenberger. I mean, this guy crashes more planes than the Luftwaffe. But seriously, folks.)


(It took a few weeks, but I just realized that this girl is really, really adorable. Then again, even a pile of laundry looks good lounging in a hammock.)


(Internet porn in 1977 was lacking at best.)


(“Dad, drop us off at the end of the street. I don’t want my friends at the dance to see you.”)


(“Hello, my name is Asshole McDickface.”)


(Not Pictured: The eight dudes standing behind Hurley.)

Well, there you have it; another Lost Friday in the books. Sound off in the comments section, enjoy the first weekend of Spring, and get caught up with every Lost Friday so far this season.

Season 5 – Episode 1/2 Review.
Season 5 – Episode 4 Review.
Season 5 – Episode 5 Review.
Season 5 – Episode 6 Review.
Season 5 – Episode 7 Review.

No More Entertainment #5 – The Best Worst Films.

My Top 20 Movies From The IMDB Bottom 100:

20. Fire Maidens from Outer Space (1956)
19. I Accuse My Parents (1944)
18. Monster A Go-Go (1965)
17. Hobgoblins (1988)
16. The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? (1964)
15. Blood Waters Of Dr. Z (1975)
14. Final Justice (1985)
13. Eegah (1962)
12. The Mummy vs. The Aztec Robot (1958)
11. Agent for H.A.R.M. (1966)
10. Track of the Moon Beast (1976)
9. Soultaker (1990)
8. Zombie Nightmare (1986)
7. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1959)
6. Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
5. The Puma Man (1980)
4. The Touch of Satan (1971)
3. The Legend of Boggy Creek, Part II (1985)
2. Girl in Gold Boots (1968)
1. The Final Sacrifice (1990)

Thanks to Mystery Science Theater 3000, I’ve seen all of these movies. And yes, I still haven’t seen Casablanca or Citizen Kane. Figure that out.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day. Lost Friday is back for the attack in less than 24 hours.

Ga-Ga-Ga-Ghost!?!

Well, here it is. The Holy Grail that followers of the Paranormal have been waiting their entire lives for. The indisputable, ironclad photographic proof that yes, spiritual entities walk among us in reality. Gosh, I really should have tipped off the folks at Coast to Coast or TAPS beforehand; this could have been a real media frenzy had I marketed it correctly. In fact, until I saw the photos that I am about to present to you, I thought that correct marketing was all you really needed to make the Paranormal come to life; no real evidence required. Nonetheless, prepare to have your minds collectively blown across the room and spattered against the wall.

…Yeah…

It’s become a lot harder for me to believe in ghosts now that I’ve stopped believing in an Afterlife. After all, there’s not much space for the supernatural to roam if I’ve mentally closed the door on the idea that we go anywhere when we die. Still, I’m relatively pleased with my revelation, remain optimistic about the current (and theoretically, only) life I’m living, and still have no legit proof that spirits are real, despite 20 years of my own personal searching.

It’s a bummer, but I can’t pretend anymore. I’m not going to be like devoted followers of faith healers and mediums, convinced that these con artists have a gift from God, when what they’re really clinging to is the extreme hope that there’s somehow more to life than simply being mortal. It’s comforting as all get out, but…you know, makes absolutely no sense in a logical reality.

For the record, I still hope that I’m 100% wrong about all of this, but I’m probably not. The beauty of believing or denying the Afterlife, however, is that you’ll likely never know if you were right or wrong. While it would certainly be nice to laugh in the face of those who insist on praying for my sinful, Agnostic soul, it sort of defeats the purpose of my beliefs to make it so. Proof in the Pudding, and soforth.

I used to be obsessed with the paranormal, and I have about 60 books and 30 videos on the matter to prove it. There used to be a particular book on ghosts that I would routinely check out of the elementary school library each week until I was told I could no longer read it (in fact, the photograph of the ‘Missus’ in my ‘First Time Here?’ essay is taken directly from it). And while I no longer peruse websites for nights at a time or seek further opinions on the truth of the paranormal, I still find the entire genre interesting on a completely different level than I did as a kid: a Social level.

To me, the question is no longer, “Are ghosts real?” Now, I care more about the question, “Why do people believe in ghosts?” Why do people believe in anything that lacks tangible proof, really? Is the terror of death so great that it inspires faith merely to counteract the thought of the inevitable?

Well…yeah. Totally. Death scares the shit out of me, no question about it.

Once my focus shifted from the non-tangible, theoretical level to the very real, humanist level, did my entire outlook change. Like most, I now know that I believed in ghosts because it’s comforting to know that it’s possible to somehow survive death in a non-human, non-living, spiritual form. Heck, who wouldn’t want to believe that this isn’t all that we have?

Be that as it may (and getting back on topic), we won’t be any closer to solving this little life riddle by examining these upcoming photos, even for several lifetimes in a row.

Here’s how this ‘ghost photo’ stuff all started. Several months ago, a co-worker approached me in the break room of our office:

“Hey, you’re into ghosts and stuff, right?”

“Well…no, not really. I mean, I was, but not anymore. You see, in January I had what you would call a Near-Death Experience, and instead of seeing Heaven, the thin veil of my own mortality fell like an iron curtain, and I was instantly disillusioned and surprisingly free of burden in the face of uncertainty, despair and terror. I saw an infinite nothingness that pretty much changed my entire-“

“Um…yeah. Anyway, I have some neat pictures that my brother sent me of a ghost.”

“Really? Send ‘em my way. I’d love to publicly out your brother as some sort of borderline-insane basket case that photographs rocking chairs for absolutely no reason other than to speculate what invisible things might be sitting in them.”

“…Wow, you’re kind of a jerk. Do you know that?”

“Someday you’ll thank me for my evolved wisdom.”

“I highly doubt that. You just dunked your necktie into your coffee mug.”

So, she sends me the photos, and I’m finally going to share them with you. But a stern word of warning: Don’t expect to see anything that even remotely resembles anything paranormal. I could easily send you a shoebox full of cat crap and tell you it was Whistler’s Mother, and a reader can just as soon send me photographs of a television set and say that it’s a ghost. I’m only sharing them for two reasons. One, to show how quickly we jump at the prospect of the paranormal if it suits our belief in an afterlife. And two, because it’s endlessly entertaining stuff, hoax or not.

Onward!

Here we see Photograph #1. It had been titled, “The Mist Begins.” Begins where?

Some quick, random observations. First off, there is no mist whatsoever, so let’s just move right on from there. Secondly, the claim was that the guy took all of these pictures from his bedroom on a Polaroid camera, which leads me to ask, “What’s a grown man doing with a ceramic horse-drawn carriage on his nightstand…on top of a doily?” To me, this is a mystery far more compelling than anything paranormal that was taking place that evening.

I mean, if I’m being nice, I’ll admit to seeing some off-balance light emitting off of the top of the carriage, but it’s extremely far from being referred to as ‘mist.’ Furthermore, it looks like the carriage is a plugged-in lamp of some sort, so it could just be actual light illuminating from the thing.

Also, if these photographs were taken with a Polaroid camera, why were they scanned and cropped to appear like rectangular, ‘normal’ photos? Doesn’t make much sense to me, but let’s move on, because we’ve just scratched the surface of stuff that makes no sense.

This is Photograph #2, and it was titled “Face Image.” Indeed, it is an image of a face or possibly faces, bathing in a blue, white-noisy hue.

Now, this is a neat-looking photo; certainly the coolest one out of the four that were given to me. Problem is, I was told that these photos were taken in succession within minutes, and all of this was taking place around the bedroom. So remember all that natural light in the first photo? Well, now we’re in complete darkness, and a hologram is apparently manifesting itself above the guy’s bed.

Looks pretty two-dimensional, doesn’t it? Looks like it lacks depth, right? Well, you’d be correct, because this is most likely a close-up photo of a television set. What is being viewed on said television is a mystery, but the pitch-dark, depth-less nature of this image makes it all but impossible to be something that took shape in the vast space between the six walls of a bedroom.

Cool picture, though.

This is Photo #3, and it was titled, “Who Is She?

Okay. Here’s where I begin to feel like my intelligence is being insulted. In an almost identical design as Photo #2, we have another photograph of a two-dimensional object that was claimed to be manifesting itself within a room. This is sort of true, in that it manifested itself onto a television set, when the television set was plugged in and turned to a station that manifested this image during a show.

Not that these photos need any more scrutiny, but do you notice the differences between the first picture and the next two? The first photo is a picture of something that exists in reality. Admittedly, a frilly reality that likes doilys and carousel horse lamps, but a reality nonetheless. The next two photos are of a flat surface, and we know this because our eyes can process depth, even by just viewing a photograph of it.

And again, for a photo that was taken on a ‘Polaroid’ camera, it’s been bizarrely cropped again, this time as a portrait-sized image. Why would someone do that? If you thought you had some solid paranormal evidence on your hands, would you alter the photos at all?

Oh, and if this were a ghost, then it’s the most detailed and well-manifested paranormal entity in the history of Mankind.

This is a long way past shenanigans, but we still have one more to go.

Fourth and finally, we have “A Clear Face Image!

Indeed we do. Indeed we do. In fact, I find this image to be quite beautiful. What an amazing thing to have materialize above your bed one night. I also love how the Angel brought her own illuminated light to reflect off the top of her head, while somehow leaving the rest of the bedroom behind her pitch black. That had to have taken some divine interstellar intervention, not to mention a complete lack of basic physics. Sorry kids, it’s another picture of a television. And hey, what happened to the blue glow? Did the guy change the channel from AMC to TCM?

The final verdict?

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.