CDP Top 30 Of All-Time (’06-’08) – #30.

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#30 – “I Can See Your Butthole.”
(Originally Published July 13, 2007.)

I Can See Your Butthole!

Ladies and gentlemen, today I present to you a gift. A gift from me to you, free of charge and with no expectation of reciprocation.

Today, I will give you a new saying that you will grow to love and incorporate into your lexicon and circle of friends for years to come. A saying that, once it has become common fare on TV shows and film, you can always be reminded of where it all started.

It’s a big day; I’m glad you’re here.

We’re no strangers to people who clearly don’t listen to themselves talking. Day in and day out, we have to listen to these people ramble incessantly about things that they really have no expert opinion on. For our entire lives, we’ve had to politely nod and smile along with this drivel, pretending that what they were yapping about was being processed and agreed with by us. If only there was a way to get them to stop and think about how much of a douche they were…

No longer.

The next time a friend starts talking directly out of their ass, let them know that you know. Let them know that you’re tired of their idiocy, and you’re tired of pretending that you care.

Tell ’em you can see their butthole.


Steve – “Why are you a vegetarian? Everyone knows that animals can’t feel pain.”

Bill – “Dude, I can see your butthole.”

See? It’s easy and fun! Here’s another quick example:


Steve – “Tiger Woods is an okay golfer, but his career will burn out fast.”

Bill – “What?

Steve – “I just mean that he’s got maybe 1-2 more good years left, tops.”

Bill – “Steve, I can see your butthole.”

Are you starting to see proper usage? But hey, just like any good saying, you can get creative with it and make it your own!


Steve – “So like I was saying, I think that President Bush should be on Mount Rushmore, because…

Bill – “Hey, what’s that down there?

Steve – “What’s what down where?

Bill – “Oh, it’s your butthole. I can see it.

Steve – “Burned again! Blast your impeccable timing and wit!

Once you get good with it, you can start to really craft it into something special, but it’s best to start at the beginning and throw it around your friends for good practice. I’ve been doing it for a few months now, and people are starting to say it when I’m not even around. It’s going viral, and I think it can go nationwide by this time next year.

So, the next time that someone starts saying something stupid, don’t try to see their side of things; see their butthole!

It has begun. Sound off in the comments section and have a great day.

CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Exchange IV Drawing.

It’s go time, kids!

After extensive laboring, uploading e-mail addresses and building one of those spinny-wheels with the Bingo balls in them, I have come up with the 18 pairings for the CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Exchange IV. Everyone who signed up has someone that they will create a mix-tape for, and in tune, they have someone who will make one for them. The phrase-centric themes everyone submitted have also been randomly drawn and assigned to each participant.

The pairings are as follows. The drawing was random; a co-worker picked a number, and I eliminated the names and themes, ‘MASH’-style. I don’t think kids still play ‘MASH,’ but that’s neither here nor there:

1. CARGIRL will be creating a Mix for SMEDLEY.
THEME: “Let’s not say things we can’t take back.”

2. JONELLE will be creating a Mix for MIKE HOSS.
THEME: “I’m not a monster…I’m just ahead of the curve.”

3. HEATHER will be creating a Mix for COMET STAR MOON.
THEME: “Music to commit felonies to.”

4. REESE will be creating a Mix for JT.
THEME: “Life is too important to be taken seriously.”

5. HATHERY will be creating a Mix for MICHAEL D.
THEME: “I’d like that on my tombstone.”

6. HILBELINK will be creating a Mix for DOMSAR.
THEME: “…And that’s why I don’t drink gin.”

7. FIONA will be creating a Mix for BENJAMIN.
THEME: “Round up the usual suspects.”

8. MAUS will be creating a Mix for THE CDP.
THEME: “I used to love you, baby, but you got real ugly.”

9. SHERRY will be creating a Mix for EMILY.
THEME: “When idle concerns don’t fill your thoughts, that’s your best season.”

10. MIKE HOSS will be creating a Mix for REESE.
THEME: “Superman isn’t brave.”

11. MICHAEL D will be creating a Mix for HILBELINK.
THEME: “Misery loves company.”

12. EMILY will be creating a Mix for HATHERY.
THEME: “The drinking will continue until morale improves.”

13. JT will be creating a Mix for MAUS.
THEME: “Mistakes are human; hooves are not.”

14. SMEDLEY will be creating a Mix for JONELLE.
THEME: “Stupid is as stupid does.”

15. COMET STAR MOON will be creating a Mix for FIONA.
THEME: “Watching the universe implode from space and wishing I had remembered my toothbrush; but at least I have your hand…if I could only find the rest of you.”

16. THE CDP will be creating a Mix for SHERRY.
THEME: “Resistance is useless.”

17. DOMSAR will be creating a Mix for CARGIRL.
THEME: “I do it for love, but she does it for science.”

18. BENJAMIN will be creating a Mix for HEATHER.
THEME: “Is that a real poncho, or a Sears poncho?”

Wonderful. Here’s what we all do next:

1. I will be sending e-mails out to everyone over the next several hours (give me at least until around the end of the work day to finish), reminding them who they need to create a mix-tape for, what the theme is and what that person’s e-mail address is. For example, your e-mail from me will look a lot like this:

Benjamin, you will be making a mix-tape for Hathery. The theme will be ‘Please Don’t Leave Me Here With This Pedophile.’ Her e-mail address is Please contact her and get her mailing address.

2. It will then be up to the creator of the Mix-Tape to contact the recipient and get their physical mailing address. For example:

Hey Hathery, it’s Benjamin. I’m making you a mix-tape, so give me your mailing address so I can send you some sweet-ass tunage!

3. One you get the mailing address of the person you’re sending a mix-tape to, MAKE IT AND SEND IT! Be creative; I’ve seen amazing artwork, brilliant track selections and overall awesome efforts by everyone every time, so I’m expecting nothing less this time around, as well.

Everyone has a buddy; it would really suck if someone gets left out because you suddenly decided to go deadbeat on them. My goal is to have ALL MIX-TAPES MAILED OUT BY FRIDAY, OCTOBER 10. Now that you know who you’re making a mix for and what your theme is, you should have plenty of time to whip it up and get it mailed out within 14 days. If someone gets left out, I’ll feel personally responsible, so please don’t make an ass out of me, or I’ll publicly ostracize you here on the CDP.

4. If you’re having a problem contacting anyone, an e-mail address is dead or anything else goes wrong, feel free to contact me and I’ll sort it out. I’m pretty neat like that. People are busy, so give them a day or two to answer you back, but let me know if it’s taking a ludicrous amount of time.

Of course, once you receive your Mix-Tape, sound off in the comments section so we all know the status of everyone’s packages. Half the fun is sharing the experience with everyone involved.

5. I always mention this (and I’ll mention it again in your e-mail), but if you’re looking for an easy way to thank me for inventing something as uniting and awesome as the Worldwide Mix-Tape Exchange, I would love a copy of your mix. My mailing address is as follows:

PO Box 865
Sun Prairie, WI

I want to make it clear, however, that due to my schedule this October, I will not be reviewing any mixes sent to me on the CDP. If this hinders your decision to throw a copy my way, I totally understand and we can still be friends. Thank you in advance.

You should be receiving your instructional e-mails by the end of the day today (Monday). So get out there, create a rad Mix-Tape and send it off to your partner before the 10th!

(NOTE: While the CDP counts down the Top 30 Essays during the month of October, I’ll still be more than available in the comments section and via e-mail to handle any questions or issues that should arise. So sound off and stay tuned all next month.)


The Top 30 CDP Essays Of All-Time (2004-2006).

Here are the Top 30 CDP Essays Of All-Time from 2004 to 2006, in bite-sized form. Click at will and enjoy in moderation.

#30 – “Good Morning, Dark Lord.” (04/04)
#29 – “Hired Goons.” (06/05)
#28 – “Adventures In Broadcasting.” (03/05)
#27 – “The Price I Pay.” (10/04)
#26 – “The Long And Winding Road.” (03/06)
#25 – “Biggest Downer Ever (Welcome Back!).” (01/05)
#24 – “I Just Don’t Understand.” (01/05)
#23 – “On Getting My Head Chainsawed Off.” (01/06)
#22 – “The Toronto Diaries.” (06/05)
#21 – “I’ve Got Perfect Words To Say.” (11/04)
#20 – “Support Your Local Cat.” (11/05)
#19 – “Razor Burn.” (12/05)
#18 – “Let’s Go To The Mall.” (11/05)
#17 – “Harry Potter – The IMAX Experience.” (01/06)
#16 – “The Bit.” (02/06)
#15 – “Where’s My Promotion?” (06/05)
#14 – “10 Stupid Jobs.” (01/06)
#13 – “It’s My Costume.” (10/05)
#12 – “Subbin’ It Up.” (02/06)
#11 – “Insect Karma Revolt.” (09/05)
#10 – “Tackling Reggie White.” (08/06)
#9 – “The CDP’s Guide To Vegetarianism.” (06/06)
#8 – “No Scents Whatsoever.” (03/06)
#7 – “You’re A Woman, I’m A Machine.” (04/05)
#6 – “The Homecoming Quadrilogy.” (04/06)
#5 – “Intro-Feedback-Setup-Punchline-Repeat.” (11/05)
#4 – “The Worst Album Covers Of All-Time.” (03/06)
#3 – “The Loud Neighbor Sextet.” (01/06)
#2 – “Lost Friday – Season Two.” (09/05)
#1 – “My First Job.” (02/05)

The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade IV.

Here we go!

1. If you wish to be included in the CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade IV, simply let me know in the comments section or via e-mail ( If you haven’t already participated in a Mix-Tape Trade, make sure to include your e-mail address with your request. Also remember to include your ‘theme’ with signup, which I’ll explain in detail below.

2. For those who are interested in participating, but hopelessly out of the loop, the CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade breaks down like this:

a) You will create a Mix-Tape, attempting to follow the specific theme set by yours truly (again, see below for theme). Be creative and do whatever you want within those parameters.

b) Everyone will be chosen a partner at random who they will send their Mix-Tape to. I will put everyone in contact with each other via e-mail on the date of the deadline, so they can work out proper mailing information. The goal is for everyone to receive a Mix-Tape in their mailbox by the specific date (announced later), sent to them by a random CDP reader. It’s fun, it works and it’s worth your time.

Simple as that, really.

3. The theme for the CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade IV is…Catchphrase! This means the following:

When you sign up for the Mix-Tape Trade (again, either in the comments section or via e-mail), you will give me a Mix-Tape theme in the form of a phrase. Examples are:

“He left me on my wedding day…for a dude.”
“Another night alone in this spaceship.”
“I want to kiss you, but your coldsore is disgusting.”
“I can’t believe I tested positive for radiation.”

These phrases will be thrown into the hat, along with the names, meaning that you’ll be effectively choosing a Mix-Tape theme for a random participant. Make sense? Let’s recap:

a) Sign up for the trade and give me a Mix-Tape theme in the form of a phrase. Any phrase that you think will constitute a decent mix.

b) When the Trade partners are randomly drawn this weekend, each person will be assigned a phrase in which to base their Mix-Tape around. I’ll make sure that nobody gets their own. The goal is to stay close to the theme, but above all, create something that’s neat to listen to.

4. The deadline to sign up for the Trade is THIS FRIDAY AT MIDNIGHT CENTRAL TIME. I’m moving quickly with this one, so if you’re not already on board and want to be, shoot me a comment or send me an e-mail before Saturday! The pairings and themes will be announced on Monday morning, and all the remaining information will arrive there.

We’ll go from there, so keep an eye on the CDP, get signed up by Friday night, watch for the drawn pairings on Monday and get brainstorming on the perfect phrase for someone to base a Mix-Tape around.

Any questions, comments or concerns? Sound off in the comments section or send an e-mail to Enjoy your day.


CDP Nationwide Mix-Tape Trade #1.
Date – September 2007
Theme – None
Participants – 18

CDP Nationwide Mix-Tape Exchange: Volume 2.
Date – February 2008
Theme – Love & Sex
Participants – 24

CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Exchange #3.
Date – June 2008
Theme – Covers
Participants – 26

Get ready for the biggest Mix-Tape Trade yet.

All details will be revealed on Wednesday.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

TV Week! (Part 4: The Programming Block)

Specifically so you don’t have to, I have mined YouTube and assembled almost 60 clips of theme songs, intros, bumpers and random nostalgic bliss from the past 25 years of television in honor of the almighty Programming Block. You remember the joy of the Programming Block: those 2-3 hours of weekly television that had a specific theme, intro/outros and hosted bumpers that tied everything into one nice, neat package. A time to change into your pajamas, gather a couch full of snacks and settle in with the only friend that will never betray you and force you to stab them to death behind the pet food store on Christmas Eve, the Television.

We’re focusing on six Programming Blocks in particular, as they were the ones that I grew up with. The years next to the titles represent the amount of time I made them a part of my weekly routine. If I got to decide how you read this post, I’d ask that you stay up late with it, checking out all of the links and allowing yourself to slip back in time a little bit, and hopefully feel a little warm and fuzzy in the process. Let’s go.

The Disney Afternoon (Syndicated) – 1990-1994

This was the first block that I really became a part of. Every day after school, I’d run down my driveway as fast as I could to see as much of The Disney Afternoon as possible. Due to me living in the middle of nowhere, I was typically the last one off of the bus, making it impossible to ever see the first show of the block. Luckily, Disney did something neat by adding a new series every season and pushing all of the older shows up a half-hour.

The Disney Afternoon Introduction
Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers
Darkwing Duck
Goof Troop

Shows like Darkwing Duck and DuckTales were legitamately wonderful, boasting animation awards, feature films and theme songs that most of us know by heart. Even though it wasn’t on Saturday morning, The Disney Afternoon was a children’s programming staple for millions of kids in my generation. And hey, speaking of Saturday morning…

CBS Kids (CBS) – 1988-1994

What an eclectic mix of programming in the late 80’s/early 90’s CBS Saturday Block. Saturday mornings in the early 90’s were jam-packed with goodness on all three major networks, so having the schedule down was an absolute must in order to catch all of the best stuff. Getting up at 5am didn’t hurt, either.

Garfield & Friends
Hey Vern, It’s Ernest!
Muppet Babies
Pee-Wee’s Playhouse
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

First, you had Garfield & Friends, which was two shows in one (remember U.S. Acres?). Hey Vern, It’s Ernest! was one of those shows that adults seemed to understand a bit more than their kids did (even if in hindsight, it was annoying as hell). Muppet Babies was, looking back, a truly bizarre and surreal show (with one of the best theme songs ever). Pee-Wee’s Playhouse was nothing short of revolutionarily awesome, and TMNT was possibly the most popular children’s cartoon of my generation. Seriously, the hype and merchandise sales were unbelievable during those years.

Must-See TV (NBC) – 1984-1991

Moving out of animation-based programming and into primetime network stuff, we have the long-running ‘Must-See Thursday‘ block on NBC. Even though it still exists with shows like The Office, 30 Rock and My Name Is Earl at the helm, I wanted to focus more on the roots of the block in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

‘It Must Be Thursday’ 1984 Intro
Gimme A Break!
Family Ties
Mama’s Family
The Cosby Show
Night Court
A Different World
Wings – (For some reason, I couldn’t track down the Wings opening theme, so I put this NBC Thursday night promo up. I think it’s better anyways, and look at the Seinfeld episode that was on that night!)

I didn’t remember that Mama’s Family was part of this otherwise-solid string of sitcoms until I went back to study it. I also remember that during the closing credits of Night Court, there was a guy laughing in the background of the theme song that always bothered me for whatever reason. Don’t forget the ‘Sit Ubu, sit‘ production company bumper to close out Cheers, as well as the fact that Lisa Bonet was hand-picked for A Different World because Bill Cosby wanted her off of his show as fast as humanly possible.

TGIF (ABC) – 1986-2000

This is as good of a definition of ‘Programming Block’ as I can think of. Two hours, every friday night, nothing but comedy, hosted bumpers, a theme song specifically for the block, and some really classic television programs to boot. It may have waned in the later years, and a lot of these shows certainly don’t hold up to save their fictional lives, but that’s not really the point, is it?

TGIF Intro Video
TGIF Closing Video
‘Things That Make You Go ‘Hmmm…” Intro
Mr. Belvedere
Full House
Perfect Strangers
Step By Step
Family Matters
Boy Meets World – (This isn’t the opening to Boy Meets World, but I liked this clip better. So will you.)

What I remember most about this block was that it was a ‘family’ block, which meant that the whole house got together and sat in front of the television, which I was quite fond of. I unapologetically loved Full House, Dinosaurs was…man…just unreal, and the guy that did the Full House theme song also did the Family Matters theme (really, listen to them).

And Topanga. Sweet, weird, curvy Topanga. I love you and want you to come back home now.

By the early 90’s, I was entering adolescence and was fortunate enough to get cable television. As it turned out, this turned me on to what was probably the most well-remembered programming block of my generation..

SNICK (NICK) – 1992-1999

SNICK had it all. The big orange couch. The Saturday night timeslot. The feeling that you were in on something really special; something that was made just for you. The ‘166 hours’ closing always bummed me out, as it reminded me that Sunday was tomorrow and I’d have to prepare for another week of school, but for those few hours, SNICK made everything better.

SNICK Opening Sequence
SNICK Closing Sequence
Clarissa Explains It All
Ren & Stimpy
Ren & Stimpy – LOG!!
Are You Afraid of the Dark?
The Adventures of Pete & Pete
All That
The Secret World of Alex Mack

The Ren & Stimpy phenomenon was completely justified, The Adventures of Pete & Pete makes me warm like a shot of whiskey, and Are You Afraid of the Dark? was legitamately terrifying at times; even more so than Tales From The Crypt. It’s a shame I never got the chance to start up that Midnight Society like I wanted to. If I did it now, I’d probably get arrested.

Another thing I want to mention. Amanda Bynes was on All That when she was exceedingly young, and I have to say that I found her to be absolutely hilarious, then and still. I don’t know what has been happening with her career since then, but she was really funny, spastic kid.

MTV Animation/Liquid Television (MTV) – 1991-2000

The mid-90’s couldn’t have been better for music. The rise of Alternative made MTV a must-watch network, and it was inarguably at its best for these few years. Eventually, reality shows took over, but before that, we had Liquid Television and the rise of MTV Animation; not necessarily a block in and of itself, but worth mentioning due to their popularity and nostalgic appeal.

AEon Flux
Beavis & Butt-head
The Head (Pilot Episode)
The Maxx

To this day, I could watch Beavis & Butthead tearing apart music videos until the end of time. The genius of Mike Judge’s satire was that a lot of fans didn’t realize that he was squarely making fun of them, anything but encouraging slacker and near-retarded behavior. Daria showed up a little later, but boasted a great soundtrack and a pitch-perfect Generation X outlook on High School life and society in general.

Man, we’re done already? But I don’t want to leave this world of nostalgic TV wonderment! Well, for those that have stuck it out this far, here are a few more great clips that I could’t help but toss onto the pile. Enjoy.

My Favorite Show Openings/Misc. Awesomeness

Picture Pages
Six Million Dollar Man
The Prisoner
Hawaii 5.0
The Greatest American Hero
Seinfeld – Greatest American Hero
Play It Safe Around Electricity
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 (Joel)
Mac Tonight Commercial

Thanks for going back in time with me. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day. And hey, don’t forget that the Programming Block that has been CDP TV WEEK isn’t over just yet.

TOMORROW: TV Week Concludes With The 4th Annual CDP FALL TV PREVIEW!

2005 Fall TV Preview.
2006 Fall TV Preview.
2007 Fall TV Preview.

The CDP 2008-2009 Fall TV Preview.

After toiling, researching, back-checking links and writing pages upon pages of material, Blogger decided to delete the saved progress of the 4th Annual CDP Fall TV Preview, mere minutes before it was to be proudly published. A fitting end to TV Week, it would appear.

This has never happened to me before in this magnitude, and I honestly don’t have the time to reformat everything that went into this massive post right now. As many of you familiar with the CDP Fall TV Preview already know, this is one of my biggest posts of the year, I work my ass off on it, and quite frankly, it’s usually pretty awesome. You should have heard the profanities. In fact, I’m sort of surprised that you didn’t.

However, Blogger was kind enough to leave me with the base outline I started with when I sat down to flesh this entire thing out, so that’s what I’ll share with you right now; a stripped-down list of the programs I intend to watch this season, sticking mainly to national, primetime shows in the Central Time Zone. Not really as exciting without all the photos, jokes and gloss, but hey, whaddya gunna do?

Let’s go.

7:00-8:00 – Chuck (NBC)
7:30-10:30 – Monday Night Football (ESPN)
8:00-9:00 – Heroes (NBC)
8:00-9:00 – Dirty Jobs (DISC)
8:00-10:00 – Monday Night Raw! (USA)

7:00-8:00 – Dollhouse (FOX)
8:00-9:00 – 24 (FOX)

BEST BET? – Heroes (NBC)
WORST BET? – My Own Worst Enemy (NBC)
TAKE A CHANCE ON… – Dollhouse (FOX)

7:00-8:00 – Opportunity Knocks (ABC)
7:00-8:00 – House, M.D. (FOX)
8:00-9:00 – Fringe (FOX)

7:00-8:00 – American Idol (FOX)
8:30-9:00 – The Goode Family (ABC)

BEST BET? – House, M.D. (FOX)
WORST BET? – 90210 (CW)
TAKE A CHANCE ON… – The Goode Family (ABC)

7:00-8:00 – Pushing Daisies (ABC)
7:00-8:00 – Knight Rider (NBC)
8:00-9:00 – Mythbusters (DISC)
8:00-9:00 – Ghost Hunters (SCIFI)
9:00-10:00 – Destination Truth (SCIFI)

8:00-9:00 – Friday Night Lights (DIRECTV)

BEST BET? – Mythbusters (DISC)
WORST BET? – Lipstick Jungle (NBC)
TAKE A CHANCE ON… – Destination Truth (SCIFI)

7:00-7:30 – My Name Is Earl (NBC)
7:30-8:00 – Kath & Kim (NBC)
8:00-9:00 – The Office (NBC)
8:30-9:00 – 30 Rock (NBC)
8:00-9:00 – Supernatural (CW)
9:00-10:00 – Eleventh Hour (CBS)

8:30-9:00 – The Office Spin-Off (NBC)
9:00-10:00 – Lost (ABC)

BEST BET? – 30 Rock (NBC)
WORST BET? – The Moment Of Truth (FOX)
TAKE A CHANCE ON… – Eleventh Hour (CBS)

7:00-7:30 – Everybody Hates Chris (CW)
7:00-9:00 – Friday Night Smackdown! (MYTV)
8:00-9:00 – Supernanny (ABC)
9:00-10:00 – 20/20 (ABC)

8:00-8:30 – Outnumbered (FOX)

WORST BET? – Don’t Forget The Lyrics! (FOX)
TAKE A CHANCE ON… – Outnumbered (FOX)

7:00-8:00 – Dateline NBC (NBC)
7:00-7:30 – COPS (FOX)
7:30-8:00 – COPS (FOX)
10:30-12:00 – Saturday Night Live (NBC)

WORST BET? – ‘Crimetime Saturday’ (CBS)

6:00-7:00 – America’s Funniest Home Videos (ABC)
7:00-10:00 – Sunday Night Football (NBC)
7:00-7:30 – The Simpsons (FOX)
7:00-8:00 – Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC)
7:30-8:00 – King Of The Hill (FOX)

7:30-8:00 – Sit Down, Shut Up (FOX)

BEST BET? – The Simpsons (FOX)
WORST BET? – Family Guy (FOX)
TAKE A CHANCE ON… – Sit Down, Shut Up (FOX)

Beauty And The Geek (CW)
Cane (CBS)
Carpoolers (ABC)
Cavemen (ABC)
Jericho (CBS)
Kid Nation (CBS)
Las Vegas (NBC)
Oprah’s Big Give (ABC)
Quarterlife (NBC)
Shark (CBS)

Simply gripping literature, right there.

So, in a rather anticlimactic fashion, TV WEEK draws to a close. Sorry about that. Sound off in the comments section, share your television viewing habits with the masses and enjoy your weekend. I will be in downtown Madison on Friday and Saturday for the Forward Music Fest; hopefully I’ll see you there. Bring bail money.

Next Week On The CDP: