10 Writing Questions For The CDP.

(The following is a 10-question writing survey forwarded to me by a CDP fan on my Facebook group. Let’s do this.)

1. What Are Your Genres? – Humorous personal essays, nostalgia, pop culture examination, barbecue sauce historian.

2. How Many Books Are You Working On Now? – I can’t say that I’ve started working on my second book yet, but we’re getting there. I spent most of 2007 working on my debut, and I plan on devoting a year to my Sophomore effort. The goal is for it to be funnier than the first, sell more copies and pay for the kidney transplant that my cat and wife so desperately need.

3. Are You A Linear Or Chunk Writer? – Linear when it’s flowing easily; chunky when I can only think of one specific thing to say at a time. The angrier I am, the more linear the essay, it would appear. The more I feel the need to tell a story in a deliberate manner, the more I get hung up and chunkified. I can’t say that prefer one to the other; they’ve both succeeded and failed numerous times.

4. What’s The POV You’re Partial To? – First-person narrative, all the way. Although I’m experimenting with fifth-person in my next book, so every sentence will start with, “I heard from this guy who told somebody…” It’s going to be a long book; very gossipy*.

5. What’s The Theme That Keeps Cropping Up In Your Books? – Morality, failure, optimism in the face of American hypocrisy, nostalgia, egotism and Emma Watson. Nobody looks worse than me, and if they do, I make sure that they don’t know my phone number.

6. How Many Days A Week Do You Write? – I write in some capacity every day I can; at least six days a week, sometimes as much as eight or ten.

7. What Time Of Day Do You Get Your Best Writing Done? – From 7am to 9am when I’ve had a decent night’s sleep, and from 10pm to 1am most nights. I spend the rest of the day wishing I could write well when the sun is out. I’ve found that I have the best ideas when I’m either slipping into or out of consciousness.

8. Who Are Your Mentors? – I can’t stand that term. Make your own decisions and learn from your own mistakes. I only take hard advice from my wife; everything else is merely a suggestion from a stranger. Mentors are for the unsure and insecure; get out there and fail.

Of course, none of that is true. I listen to any advice I receive from anyone I respect.

9. Who Are Your Favorite Authors To Read? – I’ve been reading a lot of Chuck Klosterman recently, and I’ve appreciated David Sedaris’ work in the past, before I realized that he was completely full of crap. We can also throw Kurt Vonnegut into the fray, and whomever wrote the Encyclopedia. Most of my current reading exists in the form of news wires and professional wrestling gossip sites.

10. Specific Literary Favorites? – There are very few books that I feel the need to read twice, Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo being one of them. I finished that damn book in the waiting room of the dentist’s office, and I was in tears when the nurses called my name. She thought I was scared to get my cavity filled, when in reality, I just realized that I no longer believed in God. Epiphanies happen in the strangest places sometimes.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day. I have a lot to think about.

*Thanks, Demitri.

CDP’s Top 11 Albums Of 2008 (So Far).

If you need any proof that 2008 has been a fairly mediocre year for album releases, look no further than my own list of top albums so far this year. This is the best stuff I’ve heard in 2008, and I doubt that 8 or 9 of these would have even been considered in my Top 20 for the last few years. Here’s hoping that the remaining five months of the year will bring the thunder. Enjoy.

11. Hold On Now, Youngster… – Los Campesinos!

10. Partie Traumatic – Black Kids

9. Brain Thrust Mastery – We Are Scientists

8. Vampire Weekend – Vampire Weekend

7. Weezer – Weezer

6. Stop, Drop And Roll!!! – Foxboro Hot Tubs

5. Saturdays = Youth – M83

4. GNV FLA – Less Than Jake

3. Adventure Boy – Scott Reynolds

2. Feed The Animals – Girl Talk

1. Stay Down – Smoking Popes

Sound off in the comments section, create your own list and enjoy your day.

I have a lot to think about.

Christ, The Donkey Is Back! Lock The Doors!

(The following phone conversation took place on Wednesday night, between my mother and I. She was probably significantly more compassionate than the following transcription will dictate, but I was too bewildered to properly register said empathy. Enjoy.)

CDP – “Hey mom. What’s up?”

MOM – “Nothing much, just watching So You Think You Can Dance?.”

“Wow…that’s really terrible.”

“It’s fun. Besides, you can’t watch anything longer than a minute when there’s a baby in the house. There’s no reason to view anything with a plotline.”

“So I guess that means I can get back my Friday Night Lights DVD that I borrowed you?”

“Yeah; we didn’t even open that thing.”

“I figured. So what’s new in town?”

“Well, Doug died. You remember Doug, right? He worked for the Fire Department. He had an inoperable brain tumor and died yesterday.”

“Damn, that’s awful.”

“Yeah, it was pretty sad. The Fire Department saluted his coffin and everything…speaking of which, the Fire Chief from the neighboring city was just killed, too.”

“No kidding? What happened?”

“Well, I guess that he got crushed between a moving fire truck and a wall. Poor guy; he was one week from retirement. Like 80 years old or something.”

“Where is your God now?”

“Shut up; God is everywhere.”

“…Except the Fire Department, I presume.”

“Stop that. Oh, I quit my job at the Post Office last week.”

“Damn! I can’t believe that you tried to tell me that nothing was going on around there.”

“Yup, I quit last week, but I stuck around a little longer because my boss’s step-sister died.”

“Wait…another person died?”

“Yeah. I guess she had leg surgery, and shortly after just tipped over and died, just like that.”

“Oh man; that’s crazy.”

“Yeah, but listen to this. A week later, my boss calls me again and asks if I can stick around a little longer, because her step-brother died, too.”


“Mmm-hmm. I guess he had a heart attack while his family was getting him lunch at the deli. They called him to ask what he wanted on his sandwich, and he didn’t answer. Guy was already dead.”


“I know. But it gets worse.”

“There’s more?”

“Yeah. A few days later, my boss calls me again and says, “You’re not going to believe this.” Her brother had a heart attack and died, too!”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Nope. I guess they found him right in the middle of the lawn. She lost three family members in three weeks.”

“Well, you know what they say about death in threes…or fives.”

“So yeah…I’ll be working at the Post Office a little while longer while she straightens everything out, but then I’m going to start full-time at the other company.”

“Yeah, tell me about that place. Are you going to get benefits and everything?”

“Yes, but I can’t meet with my new boss because he’s out of town right now. His dad died.”

“For the love of…are you serious?”

“Yeah, his dad died of a heart attack. I guess he’s had a condition for a long time, and they’ve been treating it with some expensive, experimental procedure.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, every few months, they send a huge amount of his blood to India.”


“Yeah. They send a bunch of his blood to India, and doctors there pump it full of these stem cells and send it back.”

“That can’t possibly be safe under any circumstances.”

“I didn’t think so, either. I guess it costs $30,000 a pop, and they’ve done it at least three times.”


“So yeah. But get this. The surgery required to get the stem cell-infused blood back into his system is currently illegal in the United States, so they have to fly him out to the Dominican Republic for the treatment.”

“That can’t possibly be safe under any circumstances. Do they know exactly what the Indian doctors are putting in the blood?”

“Not really. When I asked him about it, he said “You just have to trust them.””

“I have to be honest with you. That sounds like a really terrible idea.

“Well, it must have been, because the most recent time they did it, he got sick on the operating table and died.”

“It really couldn’t have ended any other way. How do you even make contacts with people to assist with such an insane thing? Did they even bother talking to American doctors about safer treatments?”

“I doubt it. They’re a rich family and do weird things. He’s dead now.”

“Well mom, I have to say that this is a new record for you. We’ve been talking for 10 minutes now, and you’ve achieved a Body Count of no less than six people.”

“I know; it’s sad.”

Sad? Screw sad, I think you’re cursed. I was going to come up there this weekend and buy a bunch of Ting Soda, but screw it. I don’t think I’m ever visiting that town again; it’s like a bizarre dimension of death and destruction.”

“I don’t blame you. It would be nice to see you, though.”

“Forget it. Love you, mom.”

“Okay. Love you, too. Goodbye.”


I then walked over to the bar, poured myself a glass of straight Jameson on the rocks, and sipped in the dark silence for the next two hours.

I have a lot to think about.

Dr. Forrester & Dr. Wily Will Rule My World.

I gotta tell you, this week is shaping up to be nothing short of a soggy nerd dream for yours truly. After the release of the genre-defining The Dark Knight, I now get an early peek at the Mystery Science Theater 3000 20th Anniversary DVD Collection, to be released in October.

It’s…it’s beautiful. Now that I think about it, I’m positive that this is what was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. If I were Jules, I wouldn’t have given it up to Honey Bunny, either.

It’s hard for me to believe that a show like MST3K is turning 20 this year, mainly due to the fact that it only went off the air four years ago (in rerun form). I’ve always placed MST3K right next to The Simpsons when it came to the greatest comedy television of all-time, and in a lot of arguable ways, it surpassed the animated series. Even though I have all of the episodes on tape, I will buy whatever they decide to sell me in that beautiful tin case, for old time’s sake.

Finally today, I present to you the first trailer of the all-new Mega Man 9 game. If you’re familiar with the incredible Mega Man franchise, you’ll know that the first 6 installments were released for the Nintendo Entertainment System from 1987 to 1993. Mega Man 7 was released for the Super Nintendo in 1995, and Mega Man 8 came out for the Playstation in 1997.

Ten years later, the Capcom team has finally put the wraps on Mega Man 9. Take a look.

Yes, you just saw that, and yes, that’s the new Mega Man game. For the Nintendo Entertainment System. Here, check out the cover artwork!

This is one of the coolest and more unprecedented video game stories I’ve heard in years, and I commend the Capcom folks for embracing the Mega Man nostalgia and creating a brand new 8-bit adventure. Wow; what a week.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend. More new stuff next week.

The CDP Dark Knight Giveaway Finalists!

It doesn’t happen very often, but every once in a great while, Hollywood and the mainstream get something right. Absolutely, 100%, right-jab-straight-into-the-pant-bulge spot-on. I can say without a shred of uncertainty that The Dark Knight is one of those rare moments.

For the first time in over a decade, the biggest and most lucrative movie on Earth is also the best and most worthy of praise. The Dark Knight is nearly perfect; a film that is so above and beyond any ‘Superhero’ or ‘Comic Book’ film that it’s almost an insult to call it one. Christopher Nolan and his ensemble cast of performers created a picture that, while I’m sure it will receive one or two, should never be followed by another sequel under any circumstances. They’ve put the finishing touches on a once-tanking franchise by devising the most perfect send-off of all-time; a movie that is on par with Titanic and the LOTR trilogy in terms of its cinematic experience and brilliance. It deserves to be followed-up by nothing; it’s magnitude will be impossible to replicate in the Batman universe.

I’ll say no more about the plot, scenes, tone, performances or storyline. It simply needs to be seen, and apparently, it’s been seen by quite a few people, smashing opening weekend all-time box office records (suck it, Spider-Man 3!). The IMAX footage is breathtaking, Chicago as Gotham City is beautifully filmed, and Oscar nominations will surely follow for Heath Ledger and various other cinematic creations spotlighted in The Dark Knight. I’m also extremely proud of Christopher Nolan; a guy that once shot Following for a few thousand dollars is now at the helm of a film that could gross over a billion dollars. Good for him; he deserves it.

I’m fresh out of adjectives and descriptive paragraphs, so I’ll close the book on this rant by posting the following photo, which accurately represents my unspoken feelings towards The Dark Knight:

Let’s move on. We have Dark Knight theatrical posters to give away!

If you recall from last week, I launched a contest for CDP readers to come up with a new tagline for the CDP. For years now, I’ve been using ‘Jumping The Shark Since 2004,’ a phrase that was co-created by myself and CDP Original Gangsta, Paste. The time has finally come to retire said tagline and venture forth towards total Blog mediocrity and self-defeat. Achieving ALL, and soforth.

Before we get started, I want to mention a few quick things. First, the winner will receive a Dark Knight poster of their choosing and the distinguished honor of having their tagline grace the CDP sidebar until the end of time (or until we decide to do something like this again). I had said before that the First Prize winner would receive two Dark Knight posters, but I changed it to one because I wanted to recognize as many great entries as I could. I hope that the winner understands.

Secondly, the six finalists will be contacted by me via e-mail to determine mailing addresses and who wants what poster (First Place gets first dibs, and so on). I assume it’ll take a day or two to sort everything out, and all packages should be in the mail by Friday.

Finally, it should be mentioned that I did the judging myself, and accepted no opinions or suggestions from any third party, including the Missus. I just chose what I thought was funny, indicative of the CDP and representative of the site as a whole. It was extremely difficult and I never want to do it again, so no hard feelings, okay?

Let’s get on with it! Here are my Top 15 CDP Tagline submissions (out of well over 100; thank you!). The Top 6 receive one of the following four theatrical posters from the biggest and best movie on the planet, The Dark Knight! Enjoy.

#15. “So Good, It’ll Make You Want To Slap Your Momma!
– Submitted by Wigglycito (via e-mail).

#14. “It’s Almost Like Having Real Friends.
– Submitted by Hilbelink.

#13. “The Place That Gives You Taste.”
– Submitted by Kate.

#12. “Wisconsin’s Fourth Best Export.”
– Submitted by Maus.

#11. “Bigger Than Jesus And Cereal Combined.”
– Submitted by Emily.

#10. “Putting The Bomp In The Bomp-A-Bomp-A-Bomp Since 2004.”
(Swears No Involvement In Putting The Ram In The Ram-A-Lam-A-Ding-Dong)
– Submitted by Caveman.

#9. “If You Can Find A Better Blog, You’re A Dick!
– Submitted by Ephland.

#8. “Your New Mancrush.”
– Submitted by the Slackmistress.

#7. “Rock Out With Your Pop Culture Out.”
– Submitted by Bruce.

#6. “Quirky And Awkward. On Purpose.”
-Submitted by Caitlin. (WINNER!)

#5. “Making Your Day Better Since 2004; Like Alcohol.
-Submitted by Cargirl. (WINNER!)

#4. “Where Fun Goes To Die Since 2004.
– Submitted by Maus. (WINNER!)

#3. “Awkward Slow Dances With Pop Culture Since 2004.
– Submitted by Emily. (WINNER!)

#2. “Rocking Pop Culture Since 2004.”
– Submitted by Kate. (WINNER!)

#1. “Welcome To The World’s Largest Dysfunctional Family.
– Submitted by Caveman. (GRAND PRIZE WINNER!)

There you have it. Like I said, I’ll be contacting the six finalists by e-mail shortly to sort out what’s going where. I want to thank everyone once again for playing along; I expect a few of these to end up on CDP merchandise in the near future. Congrats to the winners!

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

CDP Headquarters: The Photo Tour.

I’m never going to be on Cribz, so I figured this would be the next-best thing.

Approximately three months ago, I noticed a change in my sleeping patterns. I realized that I was no longer waking up from sweaty, screaming, pale-faced nightmares about going hopelessly bankrupt and earning additional income by spoon-feeding broccoli soup to billionaire businessmen in the bathroom stalls of the I94 interchange waystation near Oconomowoc. It seemed that, for the time being, I was feeling rather secure in my finances.

This optimistic feeling had to stop immediately, I proclaimed, so we moved out of our apartment and bought ourselves a condo. The idea of a condo was a perfect fix for us, as we wanted all the benefits of home ownership, but had no interest in lawn care, gardening, snow removal or anything else that needed to be done outside. It was a no-brainer.

I’m happy to report that the nightmares have since returned twofold.

We currently live in an unassuming little neighborhood in the deep, busy heart of the Madison area, which is just the way I like it. The street is buzzing with children, young couples and dogs, each making me happier that I don’t have too many windows that face the street. I can walk to the park without being bothered by panhandlers, there are deer in my backyard and the geese appear to be multiplying at a freakish rate. Despite all of this, I’m never less than five minutes from the most urban recesses of Wisconsin. At its core, that’s one of the beautiful parts of living here. Well, besides the fact that everyone here gets to drink PBR for free.

It’s true; Wikipedia it.

Anyway, I had been getting a lot of questions from friends and relatives about our new place, and I decided that the best way to shut everyone up in tandem was to do an online photo tour. If eavesdropping and making fun of my material items is the sort of thing that you get off on, then this is the post for you. Otherwise, you might just want to skim through the photos and leave work early to see The Dark Knight. Whatever makes you happy.

Before we get started, I should mention that the following post might also be hell on a dial-up connection; it’s about 25 photos total. Tally-ho!

The Living Room.

(I was watching a celebrity golf tournament when I decided to take these pictures. Jesus.)

Right off the bat, I should mention that the bulk of the decorating was done by myself with the Missus’ approval. She typically knows that I’m looking out for the best interests of the house, and my modern tastes offend her a lot less than the bulk of my additional tastes for things, such as alcohol, emo music and clothing from Express Men.

(Damn, Ray Romano sure got fat.)

We’re rocking 5.1 Surround in all corners of the room, Airport Express allows us to listen to our iTunes library in any room of the house, and the TiVo makes sure that I don’t miss a minute of the million-plus hours of MMA programming there is on Spike TV. We purchased Wii Fit last night, so the coffee table has been moved in front of the fireplace so we can properly rock the yoga poses without breaking anything.

The Dining Room.

(Following the infamous ‘Cheetos incident’ of 2007, I’m no longer allowed to use the MacBook.)

Both the table and bar were purchased from the same place, and on the day of delivery, the company brought the wrong table to our doorstep; some cumbersome, massive glass monstrosity that wouldn’t have fit in our relatively tiny dining area after a million years of clever interior design and HGTV tips. The bitch of it was that we had to live with it for a week while the company sorted the mix-up out. Side-stepping around it was a nightmare, because I knew that if I managed to fall through it, I’d be the new owner.

(The Dining Room seats 6, which is funny, since I don’t know 6 people I’d want in my home in unison.)

The door on the right leads into the basement, which I didn’t photograph for this tour. You pretty much know what a basement looks like; there are a couple of windows, a water softener, some litter boxes and about a hundred storage bins. The plan is to finish it in a few years; maybe throw another bathroom and den down there, but in all honesty, it’ll have to wait until I have an extra ten grand to piss away.

(I couldn’t tell you the wood or marble used on this bar, but I do know that it weighs 3000 pounds.)

No photos behind the bar, but I can assure you that it’s fully stocked with various wines and whiskeys. I even intend on getting a mini-fridge back there so I don’t have to run over to the kitchen to make drinks. Sort of defeats the purpose of a bar. The vintage glass bottles and ice bin were given to me by my Great-Grandmother, which I think is really cool. The coasters aren’t visible, but they match the Lichtenstein print on the wall.

The previous owners of the home put the hardwood in, for which I am eternally grateful. It separates the living room from the dining room, matches the furniture perfectly and gives me a reason to tell people to take their shoes off before entering. The first person to scratch it will be cut with my sharpest knife.

The Kitchen.

(Monkey towel, meet penguin towel. Penguin towel, meet monkey towel.)

The kitchen is one of my favorite parts of the house. It’s spacious, bright, full of storage and is the first place you step into when you enter the house. It goes right out to the garage for easy carrying of groceries, and contains a guest bathroom (not pictured) that keeps people out of my own. I didn’t like the idea of a bathroom in the kitchen when I first toured the place, but now I think it rocks. The sink is at least a foot deep and the fridge has more features than my car, although it’s constantly empty.

(For ruining my shot, Tinker will receive a serious beating this evening. For shame.)

In this shot, you can get a glimpse of the front door, the stairway, the kitchen bathroom and entryway into the living and dining rooms. Hey, there’s a cat in there, too. The Salvador Dali print on the wall was purchased by me for the Missus on her 18th birthday. She had nowhere to hang it at the time, but I knew that it was only a matter of time before we were living together. Also, it would have looked slightly out of place next to all of her Hanson memorabilia back at her parent’s house.

The Media Room.

(Sadly, these are no longer alphabetized. Some day I will return to you, gentle discs.)

Now that I no longer purchase CDs, I fear that this is all the larger that my collection will get. Even so, I don’t want to sell any of these; I like to come up here and rifle through them when I’m drunk.

(Lookout! Records had very frame-able music in the early 90’s.)

Our Media Room is on the second floor, in between my office and the master bedroom. Those Simpsons photos were painted by the Missus, which I really like. I don’t have a ton of vinyl (maybe 100 total, only 30 of which aren’t in the basement), but I like to keep the better ones upstairs so I can bust them out from time to time. I have a USB turntable in the linen closet, which currently serves me absolutely no purpose.

(When the Missus is gone, I like to come up here and pretend that I’m something more than a drummer.)

All of those marked VHS tapes in the bottom row of my DVD case are MST3K episodes that I’ve collected throughout the years. Every episode, every special, even most of the commercials are intact. I’m more proud of that than my electronic drum kit sitting just to the right of them.

I’m more of a TV guy than a movie guy, so you can tell that my collection is lacking a little bit. In fact, the bulk of those DVDs are television shows. There’s more crap in the basement that I couldn’t fit cosmetically into this room (the keyboard being the most vital), but the biggest compromise was not being able to play my acoustic drums in my condo (I mean, I could do it, but I’d be arrested in mere minutes). The electronic kit is a decent compromise, and you can see that I’ve hooked up my stereo speakers to it for maximum and proper rocking power.

(I use ‘anti-vibe’ sticks, if only because I think that sounds dirty.)

I’ve said this before, but I’m a lefty that plays a right-handed kit. I also normally play double-bass, but I haven’t yet hooked my pedal up to this kit. I can run it through my headphones when I play late at night, and the iPod can be plugged into the AUX jack, so I can drum along to my favorite songs. The only downside is that there’s a lot of different power sources surging through this outlet, and I tend to get slightly electrocuted from time to time. Small setback for rock stardom, I suppose.


(The toilet is in the middle cabinet.)

My bathroom is connected to my office, and it’s more or less off-limits to everyone. I keep it as minimalist as possible, and the shower contains what could be the Holy Trinity of manly cleanliness: Bar of soap, body wash and shampoo. Nothing more, nothing less. On the counter sits only the necessities and accessories that I need to merely survive another day.

(Divert your eyes!)

I had to take a picture of our laundry closet, mainly because the front-loading washer is amazingly badass. I’m too scared to even look at it, and I refuse to learn how it works. It’s one of two things that I flat-out refuse to do around the house, as opposed to the 50 that the Missus refuses. I consider it a fair trade.

(I made a point not to photograph the beautiful bathroom insanely cluttered with bottles of things.)

The Missus’ bathroom was far too messy to photograph, so I just took a creative shot of her tub. She has a fancy-pants whirlpool in there, and I’ve been told that I’m not allowed to use it when she’s not around. I’d rather not know her reasons.

The CDP Office.

(I’m a 26 year old man.)

My office also serves as a spare bedroom for those who…who am I kidding? I wouldn’t let anyone spend the night at my house. It should also be noted that the Master Bedroom was not photographed, as I didn’t want my other-worldly masculine pheromones to waft through the World Wide Web and spontaneously make every female reader pregnant.

(The CDP: Collector of gumball machines, lucky cats and heads.)

Although you won’t see most of it, I tried to make my office a modern and mature version of what my bedroom would have looked like in 1988. Lots of toys, games and diversions, but nothing messy or out of place. In a way, I guess that’s the theme of the entire house. Fun, yet refined in a completely unrefined way. Classy yet childish; like Stephen Colbert.

(PGA Tour Golf for the Sega Genesis is the most addictive game ever made.)

In the front corner of the room, next to the bed, sits this entertainment center that cost me $20 when I first moved out of my grandparents’ basement. I can proudly say, however, that everything you see on the shelves (approximately 9 devices) is simultaneously hooked up to that television despite the lack of receiver. No waiting, no hooking things up and no digging for games (we’ll get to that later); just the hum of electricity and a further shortening of my attention span. I daisy-chained everything. Why I take more pride in things like this, as opposed to…I don’t know…changing the shingles or changing the furnace filters, is beyond me.

(A claw machine, WWE merchandise and a Japanese Pac-Man game. Ladies?)

This is my writing desk, and it faces a nature preserve (we’ll see that soon) below. I mainly use this desk to balance my checkbook, mail letters and transfer stuff from my laptop. The view is nice enough, but I’m one of the few people that would rather open their windows in the morning and see a Best Buy mere inches from their face. I grew up in the country, and I left for a reason.

(“What’s the use in making fun of everything? We’re all alone in this pathetic world anyway.”)

Emo Tom Servo keeps an eye on everything while I’m away on business. Loves the Smiths.

One half of my office closet is devoted to a decent-sized hunk of my retro video game collection. The Wii and PS2 are in the living room, but upstairs is where the NES, Atari 2600, Sega Genesis, Gamecube, Intellivision and ColecoVision get to shine. Before I moved, all of this stuff was disorganized and in danger of being lost forever. Now, it’s nothing but quick access for instant gaming satisfaction. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I plan on throwing a retro video game tournament at CDP Headquarters before the year is out. Better clear your schedules for the rest of 2008, just to be safe.

Oh, and the other half of my closet contains filing cabinets, important papers and about a thousand pages of crap that I never should have written. It’s not worth our time.

(Mac will rule the world someday…oh, wait, it already does. D’oh!)

I suppose this is where the magic happens. As you can see, I was in the midst of sorting through a stack of CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Exchange entries when this photo was taken. Also note the Zoltar machine in the upper-right hand corner (that really works!), and the MST3K mousepad. My computer wallpaper is a photo I took of the unimaginably endless and brutal Winter of 2007, mainly because it reminds me to enjoy the Summer and accomplish as much as possible while I still have the chance. When you live where I live, you’re on an 8-month window of what you can feasibly get done each year.

(Plants. Nature’s plant.)

The view from my deck is a protected Nature Preserve, which is something I wasn’t aware of until after we bought the place. The Missus tells me that not only is it beautiful, but it’s also good for the resale value of the condo. I take her word for it, because every time venture out there, I get bitten by at least a billion mosquitoes. This Fall, however, I plan on sitting out here every night with my notebook, writing my next book until either the ink runs dry or the snow starts to fall, whichever happens first.

So, there you have it; a decent and in-depth look at about 70% of CDP World Headquarters. Direct any questions, comments or concerns to the Comments section or my e-mail address at communistdance@yahoo.com, and also direct any harsh criticisms of my decorating taste straight to my butthole. Thanks for playing, now get the hell out of my house.

Wednesday: The Dark Knight Poster Giveaway Finalists Are Revealed!

Because There’s Nothing Manlier Than Anal Bleeding.

This Gore's For You.

(NOTE: I got home late last night, so I didn’t have enough time to put up the photo tour of the all-new CDP Headquarters. Therefore, it shall run on Monday. Until then, please enjoy this flashback post from July of 2007, and to a lesser extent, your weekend. The Dark Knight poster giveaway will run until Tuesday night, so get keep those entries coming. You can submit your taglines in this comments section, as we received a brain-melting 215 comments in the previous one (a new CDP record); in just two short days, no less. If you need me, I’ll be in line to see The Dark Knight. Cheers, friends.)

I Can See Your…Nevermind.
Originally Posted July 20, 2007.

I love the Running Of The Bulls. Sure, it’s inhumane, humiliating and completely out-of-touch with modern reality, but it’s all worth it for the inevitable goring that takes place each and every year. In some circumstances (like the one pictured above), the bull gets lucky and snags two people at the same time. On rare occasions, he’ll even manage to hook up an American guy.

And, in the rarest occasion of all (as pictured below), he’ll gore two American guys at the same time, straight up the butthole. Sometimes, even tearing their pants off in the process. Hoo-boy!

I Can See Your Butthole.

This, my friends, is the greatest thing that can ever happen in the life of a bull. No matter what, the bull knows that he’s about to suffer an exceedingly cruel fate at the hands of a fruity dance-school dropout; the best thing he can do is destroy a few anuses on his way out. In a delightfully ironic twist of fate, the men attempting to appear macho and manly end up crying in a back alley, bleeding profusely from the asshole. It’s one of the main reasons I still believe in God.

So, here’s to you, Guy Who Runs With The Bulls! You wanted to prove something to yourself and any potential mates that might have been watching, but all you really proved was that you fail at life.


I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; never stop messing with bulls, guys. Ever. Be a man; let your prolapsed rectum spill free into the streets of Pamplona.

Have a great weekend, and sound off in the comments section.

MONDAY: CDP Headquarters – The Photo Tour.
WEDNESDAY: The Dark Knight Poster Giveaway Winners Are Revealed.

The CDP Dark Knight Giveaway!


This Friday, Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight will finally premiere to a worldwide audience.

I’ve been waiting all year for this (and a good chunk of last year as well), and my IMAX tickets are secured as we speak. Nolan is my favorite current director, and arguably one of the greatest living directors on the planet. This film has all the makings to be the greatest superhero film of all-time, shatter records posted by the abysmal Spider-Man franchise, and even snag Heath Ledger a posthumous Oscar nod. Not too bad for a Batman franchise that was all but dead in the water about a decade ago. I cannot recall the last time I’ve been so hyped for a film, and the universal acclaim for this picture has all but increased my desire for Friday to arrive. It almost feels like Christmas to me.

Now, thanks to CDP Network alumni (and Warner Brothers employee), Reese, I’ve been hooked up with an armload of Dark Knight theatrical posters to give away to CDP readers (so remember to shoot her a thank you if you’re one of the chosen winners).

The posters are theatrical-size; 27 by 40 inches with the reverse image printed on the back. They are in perfect condition and will be shipped out as delicately as if I were shipping a fetus cross-country. How you wind up receiving one of these beauties is another story altogether.


The contest to win a poster of your choosing (any of the four options displayed in this post) is really quite simple. All you have to do is come up with a new Tagline for the CDP.

For four-and-a-half years now, the official slogan of the CDP (as displayed in the copyright area in the sidebar) has been ‘Jumping The Shark Since 2004.’ I feel as if this slogan has run its course, and the time for something new is now. I’m asking the CDP faithful to come up with a new piece of history, and for it you will be handsomely rewarded.

Be creative, be funny, be in tune with the spirit of the page. Anything goes.


You may submit as many new taglines as you want, either via the Comments section or through my e-mail address at communistdance@yahoo.com. The contest begins today and will run through to Tuesday, July 22. The winners will be announced on Wednesday the 23rd.

First Prize will receive two (2) Dark Knight theatrical posters, and places second through fifth will each receive one (1). Shipping is on me. Simple as that. Five people will win!


So, get to it. Create the next new tagline for the Communist Dance Party, and score yourself some awesome Dark Knight swag in the process. You really can’t go wrong. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.