Gently Applying Sunscreen To My Fingertips.

Summer begins this week. Enjoy it.

a) Thanks to my Ken: By Request Only post finally going viral, I recieved the highest one-day traffic total in CDP history yesterday. Over 11,000 unique visitors showed up, smashing the previous record of 8,000 from last December. To put this into perspective, I had 11,000 visitors in all of May 2008. For those of you that are new to the page, stick around. You’re safe here. You’re home now.

b) Just a friendly reminder that the deadline for mailing out your mixes for the CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Exchange #3 is next Monday June 23. I myself will be stretching this one to the limit, as I still have to narrow down about 30 tracks. According to Benjamin from Killer Sandbox Productions, his mix will consist of 60 minutes of his own personal covers of classic songs. For the person who chose Benjamin as the recipiant of his mix, now may be a good time to remind you that there are no refunds.

c) My schedule for the remainder of the week is fairly straight-forward. Clean out the garage and take the rest of the unsold rummage sale crap to Goodwill for a hefty tax write-off. Finish my Mix-Tape and use what little rummage money I earned to go towards the massive speeding ticket I got two weeks ago.

Word of warning. When caught going 50 in a 25, chances are more than likely that the officer will not take too kindly to the excuse of “I was hungry.” Furthermore, if you own a radar detector, it doesn’t work when it’s sitting in the glove compartment.

d) If all goes according to plan, next week on the CDP will consist entirely of the CDP’s Top 30 Atari Games Of All-Time countdown. Don’t miss your chance to heartily voice your elitism and explain why your tastes in nostalgia are far superior to my own.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day. Pretty much everywhere, it’s gonna be hot.

Thanks, Arthur.

The CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade #3 Drawing.

CDPWorldwide Mix-Tape Trade #3.

It’s go time, kids!

After extensive laboring, uploading e-mail addresses and building one of those spinny-wheels with the Bingo balls in them, I have come up with the 26 pairings for the CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Exchange #3. Everyone who signed up has someone that they will create a mix-tape for, and in tune, they have someone who will make one for them.

The pairings are as follows. The drawing was random; a co-worker picked a number, and I eliminated the names, ‘MASH’-style. I don’t think kids still play ‘MASH,’ but that’s neither here nor there:

DOMSAR will be creating a Mix for TWOFISTEDEDITOR
JT will be creating a Mix for FIONA
MOE GREENE will be creating a Mix for HEATHER
CAVEMAN will be creating a Mix for HATHERY
MIKE HOSS will be creating a Mix for SHERRY
CARROT DUFF will be creating a Mix for CARGIRL
THE CDP will be creating a Mix for SWOON QUEEN
E-RICH will be creating a Mix for REESE
SMEDLEY will be creating a Mix for HILBELINK
FEVERBLUE will be creating a Mix for EMILY MILLS
BENJAMIN will be creating a Mix for JULIA RUBIN
COMETSTARMOON will be creating a Mix for KATE CARILLO
HATHERY will be creating a Mix for MIKE HOSS
CARGIRL will be creating a Mix for MORGAN DEMPSEY
EMILY MILLS will be creating a Mix for BENJAMIN
KATE CARILLO will be creating a Mix for FEVERBLUE
JULIA RUBIN will be creating a Mix for JT
HILBELINK will be creating a Mix for MOE GREENE
TWOFISTEDEDITOR will be creating a Mix for JESSE RUSSELL
HEATHER will be creating a Mix for DOMSAR
REESE will be creating a Mix for CAVEMAN
SHERRY will be creating a Mix for E-RICH
FIONA will be creating a Mix for CARROT DUFF
SWOON QUEEN will be creating a Mix for SMEDLEY

JOHN JENKEL will be creating a Mix for THE CDP
MORGAN DEMPSEY will be creating a Mix for JOHN JENKEL

Wonderful. Here’s what we all do next:

1. I will be sending e-mails out to everyone over the next few hours (give me at least until around noon today to finish), reminding them who they need to create a mix-tape for, and what that person’s e-mail address is. For example, your e-mail from me will look a lot like this:

“John Jenkel, you will be making a mix-tape for the CDP. His e-mail address is communistdance@yahoo.com. Please contact him and get his mailing address.”

2. It will then be up to the creator of the mix-tape to contact the recipient and get their physical mailing address. For example:

“Hey CDP, it’s John Jenkel. I’m making you a mix-tape, so give me your mailing address so I can send you some sweet-ass tunage!”

3. One you get the mailing address of the person you’re sending a mix-tape to, MAKE IT AND SEND IT!

Everyone has a buddy; it would really suck if someone gets left out because you suddenly decided to go deadbeat on them. My goal is to have ALL MIX-TAPES MAILED OUT BY MONDAY, JUNE 23. Now that you know who you’re making a mix for, you should have plenty of time to whip it up and get it mailed out within 11 days. If someone gets left out, I’ll feel personally responsible, so please don’t make an ass out of me, or I’ll publicly ostracize you here on the CDP.

4. If you’re having a problem contacting anyone, an e-mail address is dead or anything else goes wrong, feel free to contact me and I’ll sort it out. I’m pretty neat like that. Of course, once you receive your mix-tape, sound off in the comments section so we all know the status of everyone’s packages.

5. I always mention this (and I’ll mention it again in your e-mail), but if you’re looking for an easy way to thank me for inventing something as uniting and awesome as the Worldwide Mix-Tape Exchange, I would love a copy of your mix. Chances are more than likely that I’ll even review it here on the CDP. My mailing address is as follows:

theCDP
PO Box 865
Sun Prairie, WI
53590

Thanks in advance; I’m looking forward to hearing your mix.

You should be receiving your e-mails before noon today (Friday). So get out there, create a rad mix-tape and send it off to your partner before the 23rd!

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend. I have a garage sale to manage.

No More Smiles.

No More Smiles.

1. Today is the deadline to sign up for the CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade #3! I’ll be closing the signup at 10pm Central Time this evening, so get in now if you want to participate. Names will be drawn on Friday, along with the announcement of the mailing deadline. If you still want in, let me know in the comments section or via e-mail (communistdance@yahoo.com). Get to it.

2. The Discovery Channel premiered When We Left Earth last Sunday, which is a six-part series chronicling the 50 year history of the NASA program. They have restored over 150 hours of never-before-seen footage from the NASA Archives, and the HD broadcast has been absolutely breathtaking. They have interviews with pretty much every living astronaut from the Mercury, Gemini and Apollo programs (including the seldom-interviewed Neil Armstrong), and the tension and uncertainty of the Space Race and unfathomable dangers is really put on display. This is all being done by a similar crack team that assembled the one-of-a-kind Planet Earth series, and I strongly recommend that you catch up on When We Left Earth over the next couple weeks. Tremendous stuff; the best thing on television so far this Summer.

3. I’m having a garage sale at CDP Headquarters this weekend, so feel free to stop by and say hello if you’re interested in buying clothing that I no longer find relevant. If you’re planning on being in the area, shoot me an e-mail (communistdance@yahoo.com), and maybe I’ll let you know where I live. Otherwise, just drive to Sun Prairie and follow the ballooned signs. I’ll be the guy standing in his garage, drinking a screwdriver and carefully folding a Screeching Weasel t-shirt on a card table.

4. As you can tell, I’m still pretty busy with things that have nothing to do with the CDP or my upcoming re-emergence into book writing. Judging by my obsessively-scheduled Summer, I should be able to focus a lot of time on writing by the end of June. I want to devote the months of July and August solely to writing my next book, with various fiddling, monkeying and tweaking for the remainder of the year. This seems like a fairly attainable goal, provided nothing happens in the next few weeks that shoots my free time square in the nutbag.

5. As I was walking to the office this morning, I saw a small dog taking a dump next to a fire hydrant. It was at that moment that I realized just how helpless and pathetic dogs look when they’re pooping. Then it struck me that, for the most part, people look the exact same way. There are very few moments where we are more vulnerable for a surprise attack than when we are attempting to defecate. That’s why I always lock the door.

6. I didn’t believe it until I saw it for myself, but the almighty Smoking Popes will be hitting a handful of small club dates to celebrate their reuniting of rock awesomeness (for all the youngsters out there; no Smoking Popes = No Bayside). I will be seeing them at the High Noon Saloon in Madison on June 22, and I expect you to be there if you have any intention of putting on your best plaid and partying like it’s 1993. Tickets are only $10!

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your Hump Day.

Oh-Wee-Oh-Wee-Oh-Oh, I’m Making A Mix-Tape.

CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade #3.

1. If you wish to be included in the CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Exchange #3, simply let me know in the comments section or via e-mail (communistdance@yahoo.com). If you haven’t already participated in a Mix-Tape Trade, make sure to include your e-mail with your request.

2. For those who are interested in participating, but hopelessly out of the loop, the CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Exchange breaks down like this:

a) You will create a Mix-Tape, attempting to follow the specific theme set by yours truly (see below). Be creative and do whatever you want within those parameters.

b) Everyone will be chosen a person at random who they will send their Mix-Tape to. I will put everyone in contact with each other via e-mail on the date of the deadline, so they can work out proper mailing information. The goal is for everyone to receive a Mix-Tape in their mailbox by a specific date, sent to them by a random CDP reader.

Simple as that, really.

3. If you have already asked to be included for Mix-Trade #3, whether that be via e-mail or through the comments section, you don’t have to tell me again. So far, we have about 14 people signed up, and I expect that number to stay a little lower than the last go-round.

4. The theme for the CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Exchange #3 is…Cover Songs. Create a mix of your favorite cover songs of all-time; be creative and see what you can do with such a seemingly limited set of parameters. I’m extremely interested to see how everyone tackles this particular Mix-Tape Trade.

Now, if you don’t have an extensive collection of cover songs, or don’t think you have enough decent ones to create a full Mix, don’t worry! Just include all the covers you care to and fill the rest of your Mix with whatever you want. The goal is to stay close to the theme, but above all, create something that’s neat to listen to.

5. The deadline to sign up for the Trade is THIS WEDNESDAY. I’m moving quickly with this one, so if you’re not already on board and want to be, shoot me a comment or send me an e-mail before Wednesday!

To recap:

1. Sign up for the Mix-Tape Trade.
2. Create a Mix-Tape of Cover Songs.
3. Names will be drawn on FRIDAY to determine pairings.

We’ll go from there, so keep an eye on the CDP, get signed up by Wednesday, watch for the drawn pairings on Friday and get brainstorming on the perfect Cover Song Mix-Tape.

Any questions, comments or concerns? Sound off in the comments section or send an e-mail to communistdance@yahoo.com. Enjoy your day.

I Legally Cannot Make This Stuff Up.

Still alive, still super.

Hey kids. Still alive, still super.

On Monday, I’ll be posting all of the details on the CDP Worldwide Mix-Tape Exchange #3. The deadline to sign up will be Wednesday the 11th, names will be drawn on Friday the 13th, and the deadline to mail out your mix will be Monday the 23rd. I’ve only shared the theme of this Trade to two other people, and they both seemed rather annoyed and pissed off, so be prepared for a slightly bigger challenge than last time. You’ll love it.

Here now, the reason I’m writing today. I know that I said I was taking the rest of the week off, but I’m a liar. Ironic, considering that today’s post is all about lying. Sort of.

David Sedaris, one of my biggest influences when it comes to memoir writing and literary humor in general, was recently interviewed in the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly. In it, he discusses his new collection of essays, and responds to some recent allegations that he sometimes exaggerates and distorts facts in his stories for comedic and dramatic effect. Here’s a direct quote from the article, which you really should read if you want what I’m about to say to have any sort of significance:

“As he’s strip-mined his own North Carolina upbringing and subsequent adulthood, how much has Sedaris himself made up? Plenty, he has frequently and cheerfully confessed. But it doesn’t matter because he’s a humorist, right? The New Republic begged to differ last spring. In an article titled ‘This American Lie‘ by Alex Heard, TNR accused Sedaris of doing more than just stretching the truth. ”With some of his stories, especially the early ones, like in Naked,” says Heard, ”he’s taken every liberty a fiction writer does. It makes the story very funny, but also makes it something you shouldn’t call nonfiction.” Responds Sedaris: ”I’ve said a thousand times I exaggerate. Why is it news when somebody else says it?”

When I read this, and I felt a little naive to do so, but I was sort of shocked. At it turns out, the amazing, unbelievable and constantly-entertaining world of Mr. Sedaris was sometimes nothing more than fiction. Sure, the elements of a good story probably resonate from somewhere in real life, but where that line is drawn is presumably unknown to anyone but David. He admitted it, he’s exaggerating his memoirs; he’s arguably cheating the genre of its credibility, and getting rich by pretending that his life is amazing.

He has over 7 million books in print, so it stands to be reasoned that we should have been aware of this since day one. Agusten Burroughs has been accused of it. James Frey was downright called out on it on national television. All the popular essayists seem to do it, so should it be considered an unfair advantage? Leverage to remain the top storyteller on the block with the most intriguing life? Or is it simply an entertainer doing what they can to entertain? These are questions I’ve been asking myself, as I have an interest in the genre that the rest of my life sort of depends on.

So, how does Ryan J. Zeinert, American humorist, award-winning blogger and author who happens to be heavily influenced by David Sedaris, stand on the issue of exaggerating essays that are portrayed and marketed as true stories?

Well, right off the bat, you should know that I don’t do it. Names are changed, locations are skewed and dates might be incorrect, but this is done simply to protect people and to make it clear that my memory sometimes fails me. Furthermore, I can’t be the only one thinking out loud, “If the CDP exaggerated his stories, they’d be a helluva lot more interesting than they are now.” It’s okay to think that; this is merely my life, and I can only talk about what happens to me. I absolutely hate fiction; I read physics books and autobiographies for fun.

But, what if the opportunity presented itself to reach a larger audience (and subsequently, a larger income), simply by making my life a little more entertaining and unbelievable than it already is? What if I was called into some publishers meeting and offered a huge amount of cash to write my next collection of essays, only to be asked to throw in a fabricated tale of adolescent abuse or a teenage drug addiction?

What would I be willing to do if my dream were on the line?

I can’t lie to you; I honestly don’t know. Furthermore, none of you really know, either. I already have 20-25 essays outlined for my next book, and they’re all 100% true. True, some of them will not be immediately believed, but I didn’t get into the business of writing about myself just so I could get popular and start making crap up about myself. There are a lot of people out there that still don’t believe I put my foot through a bathroom wall trying to kill a spider, only to fall face-first into a public toilet, so I don’t want to press my luck trying to slip fiction under their watchful radar. If something this ludicrous and silly can be taken to task, I wouldn’t want to run the risk of actually lying about something that could be researched by bored critics.

Then again, Sedaris has sold millions of books, and I’ve sold a couple hundred, so who’s really the dumbass? Ignorance is bliss, and if I started making the life of Ryan J. Zeinert a little more interesting and entertaining for the fans, who is it going to hurt? The readers are happy and entertained, the author gets paid and the book is ultimately better, right?

Beats me, but I won’t be finding out this time around.

I’ll have you know that I don’t blame David Sedaris for exaggerating his memoirs. This is hard work when your life becomes a job, and to be expected to have nothing but bizarre and hilarious things happen to you, day-in and day-out, is an impossible reality. Furthermore, to be able to construct a hilarious essay out of each and every event to satisfy fans that want continuously more and more entertaining stories… well, it stands to reason that at some point, it becomes easier to live well and just make crap up.

A guy like Sedaris has so much pressure on him; from his fans, from his publishers, from everyone around him. He’s expected to constantly document a bizarre life in a humorous way, even though he became rich and relatively well-adjusted years ago. He can’t write funny stories about flying First-Class and living in Paris, can he?

I could, just to let you know. At least, I’m willing to try if given the chance.

I’m a logical guy. I know that the interesting stories that shape my life and entertain dozens are finite and limited. I have about four or five more good essay books in me, and then it’s going to be time to go back to school and become an accountant or something, because I’ll be finished. The pressure to stretch the truth and keep your spot at the precipice of humorous essayists must be incredibly fierce.

There’s an extremely good chance that I’ll never find out what it feels like, but when it does happen, I’ll try to remember why I got into this business in the first place. When every last demon has been exorcised, when every last interesting thing has been shared, when every last point has been made, your work is done.

My work isn’t done yet (hasn’t really even started), but I hope I have the good sense to know when it is.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day. I love every one of you damn ghouls.

Lost Monday – "There’s No Place Like Home (Finale)."

Lost Monday - 'There's No Place Like Home.'
Season 4 – Episode 13/14: “There’s No Place Like Home (Parts 2 & 3).

The final Lost Monday is upon us. We have nothing left to discuss.

Going into Season 4, we knew that things were going to be different for Lost. Storyline-wise, the addition of the flash-forwards added a new depth to the plot, character development and Harvard degree one needs to fully comprehend the show as a whole; the concept that yes, people were rescued from the island, and no, that doesn’t mean the show is necessarily over. The Oceanic 6 had problems of their own, there were hints that the island may exist on a different plane of time than the rest of the world, and Jack Shepard’s Future Beard had a nation captivated. It was good times.

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(“Face it, Sawyer. We’re never getting our Frisbee back from Richard’s yard.”)

However, from a more technical (ie: boring) aspect, Season 4 of Lost was also different. The Writer’s Guild strike shortened the run of the show to just 13 episodes, with a huge hiatus between the 8th and 9th episodes (known at CDP Headquarters as ‘Black April’). The patience of the viewers was tested, but the producers managed to cram about 20 episodes worth of story and development into those 13 short weeks, giving us a season of television that couldn’t have possibly been expected after the scattershot and roaming Season 3.

No question about it, Season 4 brought the pain in a big way, overcoming the odds and succeeding when they probably shouldn’t have. I’ve come to expect nothing less; Lost has become the Chicago White Sox of television; continually being awesome even though everyone wants them to fail miserably. All we need now is Ozzie Guillen showing up on the Island every week to deliver a profanity-laced tirade about nothing in particular.

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(“Why didn’t they just kill me off in the Pilot episode like they wanted to?”)

So, what’s to make of this? Personally, I thought that the Season 4 finale did everything it needed to do (like all of the finales that proceeded it). They answered the questions of Season 3, raised new ones for the future and set the stage for a Season 5 that is nowhere near anything that we could have predicted a few years ago. Locke is the leader of the Hostiles? Where is the island, now that Ben warp-whistled it to the middle of nowhere? What dangers and conspiracies are about to befall the Oceanic 6? Are any of the survivors actually ‘good’ people?

All this speculation is making my wee-wee hurt. Strap in and prepare for the Green & Leafy!

The Green And Leafy!

As a longtime vegetarian, displaying a large piece of steak every week to introduce my detailed Lost recap was a very tongue-in-cheek way of introducing the hilarious, historic and world-famous satire that was about to invade your loins like the lemon-scented crotch of Zeus Himself. However, because this is my last Lost Monday, I’m going out a winner. A weak, protein-deficient winner who never gets invited to barbecues because his tofu dogs taste like ass. Let’s make it happen.

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(John McCain takes a lie detector test.)

AROUND THE ISLAND, WHERE EYELINER AND RUM IS PLENTIFUL.

Jack and Sawyer catch up with Hurley and Locke at The Orchid, where John is looking for a ramp large enough to jump over a Dharma-stamped shark. Locke explains to Jack that whomever gets rescued would have to lie about their experiences on the Island in order to protect it, as Jack tries in vain to stuff his intestines back under his t-shirt. It works, but only for a little while.

Jack, Hurley and Sawyer head back to the helicopter, where Hurley is reminded that he shouldn’t be eating so many saltine crackers when water is a limited commodity. Was there any reason why those stupid crackers were referenced three times in two weeks? It wasn’t that funny.

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(Nobody steals Alpert’s makeup and gets away with it. Nobody.)

AT THE HELICOPTER, WHERE SAYID BECOMES BRUCE GODDAMN LEE.

Keamy is hauling Ben back to the helicopter for transport, when Kate bursts out of the jungle, claiming that Ben’s men are chasing her. Keamy forms a battle plan, when the Hostiles spring out and start straight-up wrecking stuff. Ben and Kate run off during the fray, as gunfire and general awesomeness reigns supreme. For a group of people guaranteed to never age or get sick, those Hostiles sure know how to kick an ass or two.

As Keamy tries to catch back up with Kate and Ben, Sayid takes him out like the Iraqi torturer we used to know and love. A nearly two-minute long fistfight ensues, with Sayid and Keamy taking turns hitting each other in the head and multiple ribular stabbings. A tree branch is brought into the fray, as it has now become a No Disqualification Match. Just as Keamy gets the upper hand, Richard shows up and caps him four times in the back. Never let it be said that Richard isn’t an opportunist, but shooting someone in the back is a pretty cheap victory, regardless of how evil of a bastard Keamy is.

Ben proceeds to hop into Richard’s arms like a puppy with a thorn in its paw, and they let Kate and Sayid have the helicopter in exchange for helping them out. Ben returns to The Orchid, as Locke continues to struggle with anything even remotely resembling tact or initiative.

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(“My kingdom for a frozen donkey wheel.”)

ON THE BEACH, WHERE AUXILIARY CHARACTERS TALK ON CAMERA.

Daniel lets Juliet know that the Freighter is getting closer to the island, as they get more groups ready to be taken aboard. Damn, I just realized how few Oceanic Flight 815 survivors are still on the island. There’s like, five of them left.

Daniel lets Miles and Charlotte know that getting off of the Island is important, as it’s about to be hurtled through space and time like a change-up pitch to David Ortiz (two baseball references in one recap? Boo-yah!). Miles decides to stay, and Charlotte decides to stay, although it’s implied that she may have a serious birth connection to the island. More to come in Season 5, I presume.

Also, I don’t care about Charlotte, so this storyline is unnecessary and wasteful. Carry on.

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(“Yeah, I play starting forward for the Pistons now. MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”)

IN THE ORCHID, WHERE IT ALL COMES INEVITABLY CRASHING DOWN.

Ben and Locke take the elevator down to the Orchid Station, and I’m left frustrated because there was no Muzak playing in the elevator. This was a great opportunity for the same sort of dark humor displayed when Ethan was about to slice Claire open in the Medical Station, but to no avail. Quick Comedy Tip: Muzak is always funny.

Once in the Station, Locke sees a The Fly-esque device, asking Ben if it’s the ‘magic box’ he was telling him about before. Ben says no, and makes him watch an educational videotape, slightly winking at the viewing audience with his humorous delivery. I quite enjoyed that moment, to be honest.

In the video, Dr. Mark Wickmund/Marvin Candle/Edgar Halliwax explains that the Orchid is pretty much a place where they send bunnies through time. Fair enough. Ben looks to sabotage the vault-area, and as the elevator starts to ascend, Locke and Ben realize that they’re about to have a visitor. Probably one that is none too happy about digging bullet residue out of his spinal cord.

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(“Man, I can’t wait until I’m in that coffin.”)

Keamy shows up in the Orchid, and delivers a monologue about how he’s not really dead and that his heart is hooked up to a monitor that will make the Freighter go explodie-time if he were to be killed. He then starts making fun of Alex’s death, which is about the least-classy thing I’ve ever seen someone do on national television (minus anything ever uttered by Billy Packer), even if it was towards a sniveling douchenozzle like Ben Linus. Locke pops in and distracts Keamy long enough for Action Linus to spring into frame and stab the crap out of his neckhole. Keamy dies, and when Locke scolds him for allowing innocent people to be vaporized on a freighter, Ben doesn’t seem to mind all that much.

Welcome back, you evil asshole. We’ve all missed you.

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(Michael comes to terms with the fact that he has ruined the lives of everyone he ever came in contact with.)

In a terrific scene, Ben goes on to tell Locke that he made a mistake in killing Keamy, and that Locke should try to be a better leader of the Island. Ben explains that by moving the island, he will not be allowed to return to it, and that Locke will be in charge from here on out. Locke is confused, the audience is confused, and Ben apologies for making John’s life so miserable. Hey, get in line, buddy. You’re probably the best thing that ever happened to him.

After the Ben-caused explosion of the vault of the Orchid, a pathway is opened up to the interior of the Island. For whatever reason, this section of the Station is frozen and covered in hieroglyphs. Across from Ben is basically a frozen donkey wheel, which Ben attempts to move while declaring to the sky, “I hope you’re happy now, Jacob.

Um, okay, dude. At this point, I looked at my reflection in the mirror, just to make sure that I wasn’t dreaming or dead. This is the same show I started watching at 8pm, right?

As he begins to turn the wheel, the room begins to get brighter, now beginning to resemble the same circumstances as when the Swan Station imploded at the end of Season 2. Outside, the Island emits a shrill noise and a light envelops the island before everything freaking disappears, including about five million viewers.

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(Daniel represents the future vision of Lost: Random, senseless and possessing patchy facial hair.)

ON THE FREIGHTER, WHERE THE CORPSE POTENTIAL IS GROWING.

Michael, who will from this point forward be known as ‘Black McGyver,’ finds a canister of liquid nitrogen and explains to Desmond and Jin that he can temporarily freeze the battery leading to the C4 explosive, buying them some time to either defuse it or haul ass for the mainland.

With Keamy dead and the bomb armed, Desmond leaves for the chopper and Jin hangs back with Michael for a bit. Michael convinces Jin to leave because he’s about to be a father, but Jin doesn’t make it to the helicopter in time. Christian Shepard appears to Michael, let’s him know that his work for the island is done, and he’s finally rewarded with that sweet, sweet death that he’s been hoping for since he first got back from the Island. The freighter blows to pieces, killing Michael, Jin and presumably everyone else on board.

Well, maybe ‘Black McGruber‘ is more like it.

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(“I sure hope that thing was the bathroom, ‘cuz I just peed in it.”)

ON THE HELICOPTER, WHERE HURLEY CONTINUALLY ASKS FOR PEANUTS.

There’s about 6.5 people in the helicopter heading for the freighter, when Frank realizes that they’re leaking gasoline. He tells the passengers to throw out anything that isn’t bolted down, so some toolboxes, parachutes and Aaron are tossed into the ocean. This still isn’t doing the trick, so Sawyer decides to be noble and, after whispering something indecipherable into Kate’s ear, throws himself overboard and swims back to the Island.

It’s a damn good thing he got back to the Island before it decided to move itself. Hell, he’s lucky the Island didn’t land on him.

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(“I’m so glad Lost Monday is over; the fat jokes will finally cease.”)

Once on the freighter, Desmond warns them that a bomb is about to go off, but Frank lands anyway and fuels up the chopper. Everyone hops on board, including Sun, and when the helicopter takes back off, Sun loses it over the fact that Jin has now become food to the very same fish he grew up catching with his father.

So poetic. Oh, then the Island disappears right in front of them.

With nowhere to land now, the crew braces for impact and crashes into the ocean. They all make it into the life raft and are pretty much stuck in the middle of nowhere for the time being. They cut to commercial, and I check my pupils to make sure I didn’t recently suffer a concussion. Am I really seeing this?

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(“Psshems mmmmffrrrt frazzakle pwwpwwweet.”)

BACK ON THE BEACH, WHERE JULIET DRINKS ALONE AND GETS ALL EMO.

Sawyer washes ashore and asks Juliet why she’s displaying such public alcoholism. Juliet points to the remnants of the Freighter, and Sawyer seems to think that everyone on the helicopter is now dead. On top of that, his pants are extremely uncomfortable after such a long and tiring swim. This is a bad day for everyone, it would seem.

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(“DAAAAANCE CONNNNTEST!!!!”)

AFTER THE ISLAND IS MOVED, BUT BEFORE THE CANNIBALISM.

The Oceanic 5 (plus Frank, Desmond and Aaron), continue to aimlessly float on the life raft. Hurley proclaims that, yes, Locke really did succeed in moving the island. Jack, agitated and sick of being wrong, tosses Hurley overboard just as Frank notices a nearby ship. At this point, Jack decides that Locke was right, and lets everyone know that they should probably lie about everything that has happened to them on the Island, for the good of those who were still on it.

Also, he didn’t want anyone on the mainland to know about the time that he was caught pooping in Sawyer’s pillowcase. Something like that could get your Medical license revoked.

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(“Jin had my keys in his pocket! NOOOOO!”)

As fate (or lazy screenwriting) would have it, the boat happens to belong to Penny Widmore. A teary reunion takes place, as Jack tells Penny that they need to talk; presumably about planning their staged rescue. It’s amazing that Penny decides to go along with this, but then again, I’ve never thought she was all that bright.

One week later (did you notice that?), the Oceanic 6 depart from Penny’s boat with a well-established cover story, while Desmond and Frank stay behind (with a happy ending; never to be seen again?). The conversation between Jack and Desmond seems to state that Penny let them all know just what Charles Widmore is capable of, and the 6 castaways hop on the raft and head for the island of Sumba, which is known for their fishing exports and finding of plane crash survivors.

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(“Hi folks. I’m James Ford, for Cool Water cologne.”)

FLASHFORWARDS ARE THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE!

JACK – Picking up where the final scene of ‘Through The Looking Glass’ left off, Kate seems less than excited about the prospect of going back to the Island with Jack. She tells Jack that Locke (Jeremy Bentham) had met with her, too, and she knew that he was crazy and not about to help him by going back to the island. Jack claims that he trusted him because he thought it would protect Kate and Aaron, but Kate is having none of it, and speeds away.

Aaron makes a cameo and flips Jack the bird.

HURLEY – Waaaaaallllllt visits the institution where Hurley is staying, asking him why nobody visited him after they were rescued. Walt claims that Locke visited him, and asks Hurley why everyone is lying about the crash. Hurley tells him that they’re lying to protect the people on the Island, and Walt seems to think that his dad is currently alive and well. Hurley decides not to upset him with the truth, as Walt is now six-foot-nine and at least 27 years old.

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(This wheel just spins the dessert tray in the Dharma break room.)

SAYID – Sayid visits Hurley and wants him to come along where it’s ‘safe.’ Sayid claims that ‘circumstances have changed’ now that Locke was dead, and assures Hurley that they are not going back to the Island. Hurley accompanies him, but not before owning Zombie Eko in a game of chess.

I called shenanigans here, mainly because I don’t think Hurley can beat Eko in a game of chess, zombified or otherwise.

SUN – Sun tracks down Charles Widmore in London, and pretty much makes him look like a silly, Australian tool. She wants answers, and lets him know that she’s ready to listen when he’s ready to talk. Snap!

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(The CDP takes his shirt off.)

KATE – Kate, dreaming, answers her phone to hear the message ‘The island needs you; you have to go back before it’s too late,’ spoken in reverse. As she goes to check on Aaron, we see Claire in his room, telling Kate not to bring him back to the Island. Kate wakes up, heads to Aaron’s room and profusely apologizes for being such a terrible faux-mother.

JACK, AGAIN – Jack heads back to the funeral parlor, only to see Ben. According to Locke, some ‘very bad things’ happened on the Island after the Oceanic 6 left, and it was Jack’s fault for leaving. Locke also added that he needed to come back.

Ben is there to tell Jack that everyone pretty much needs to come back to the Island before things get even more wonky, and Jack claims to not have the resources to gather up the rest of the Oceanic 6. Ben offers to help, and specifies that everyone must return, even the corpse of Mr. John Locke.

Smash-cut; everything over. Wow. How about that?

In honor of the Season Finale, I think that this episode deserves its very own haiku.

The Haiku.

Moving the Island
With a frozen donkey wheel.

Why is this awesome?

Hey, truth be told, this episode was awesome. And hey, let’s not get all sad because the show has crossed the realm into the absurd and ‘you have to believe in Time Travel to continue to enjoy this madness;‘ let’s attempt to focus on the positives here, with 5 Awesome Things!

5 Awesome Things.

Here are 5 Awesome ThingsAbout Being Able To Move An Island Through Space & Time.

1. Every night is pizza night…somehow.

2. You could move it somewhere cooler during the Summer months. It could be like a three season room, minus all the elderly people and wicker furniture.

3. Remember when you used to play Super Mario World, and you could pause the game just
before you died and reload your previously saved progress? Yeah; just like that!

4. I’m not entirely sure, but I’d rig it so I’d somehow never have to do laundry again.

5. It makes your once-amazing and respectable television show a helluva lot easier to write for.

One more time, for the kids, let’s Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 – As a way to keep the spoiler heat off of the writers and producers of the show, two alternate endings for the ‘funeral parlor’ scene were shot, featuring Sawyer and Desmond in the coffin. This was presumably done to prevent the secret ending from leaking early. Other television shows have done this in the past, such as the Seinfeld finale, or the ‘Who Shot Mr. Burns?’ episode of The Simpsons. Subsequently, these are pretty much the only two shows that are better than Lost.

8 – Apparently, what Sawyer said to Kate was the same thing that we had presumed he had said to her, which was: “I have a daughter in Albuquerque. You need to find her; tell her I’m sorry.”

Go ahead, rewind it and listen. I’ll wait.

See?

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(“My only line of the Season Finale is in a dream sequence?”)

15 – For the fourth season finale in a row, the action centers around a big-ass explosion. In Season 1, the Hatch and the raft exploded. In Season 2, the Swan Station met its fate. In Season 3, dynamite was used in mass quantities to kill a batch of the Others. This week, the Freighter was vaporized. Kaboom.

My current prediction is that in the Season 5 finale, Sun’s baby will explode, and in the Series Finale, my head will explode.

16 – From Lostpedia: “This episode features the first instance of a lapse of time during the continuous present-day narrative, notably, the caption of “One Week Later” after the life-raft crew are found by the Searcher.”

I’d like to know what they did on the Searcher for that week; preparing their stories and whatnot. Furthermore, I pity the poor person who had to sleep in the room right next to Desmond and Penny. They had some catching up to do, and I bet they weren’t shy about it.

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(“Yup, that’s my dad, always ruining people’s lives in the worst fashion humanly possible. Pie?”)

23 – Mythbusters‘ Adam Savage blows the entire ‘C4/liquid nitrogen’ conflict out of the water:

“The 500 pounds of C4, that whole movie thing about “dummy triggers” and fake tripwires—it’s all a load of crap. Nobody does that. At least that’s what my friends at the FBI tell me. Would you want to set up explosives so that pretty much anything you did would make them go off? It’s just like guessing and cutting one of the wires in the movies: Nobody would survive using that technique for very long, including Keamy and his crew. The whole training of a bomb tech is to work safely with explosives, not dangerously. There are too many ways to mess it up. Also, I’m pretty sure that C4 isn’t conductive, which it would need to be to set up its wiring as a resistance feedback loop that could tell if you started to pull out the detonators. And if freezing the battery works, why not just disconnect it? Oh, right, the monitored feedback loop. But wait, C4 isn’t conductive … never mind.”

Also, bear in mind that the monitor that Keamy was wearing could never continue to work once he descended into the rocky underground of the Orchid Station. Either communication would have been lost, or the Freighter simply would have exploded as soon as he got out of range. Of course, this is a show where we’re supposed to believe that entire masses of land can disappear and reappear at will, so perhaps we’re digging into a a little too deeply.

….Lost!

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(“Maybe the numbers would go away if I ate them?”)

42 – What do you think happened to Faraday, and those who were on the raft during the Freighter explosion? Do you think they made it back to the Island before it disappeared, or are they simply floating around in the middle of nowhere, much like the Oceanic 6 were before their rescue? Personally, if they could just give me a shot, just one second of a shot, showing Daniel Faraday floating aimlessly in the ocean by himself, then this entire finale would have been worth it.

Suck it, Faraday. I’m through with you, and I’m done with Lost Monday.

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(Breaking into a funeral home makes about as much sense as an Amish guy stealing an extension cord.)

And with that, our Lost journey comes to an end. When I started doing this in 2005, I had no idea it would turn into what it did, and that I’d care so much about putting it to a halt in 2008. I want to sincerely thank everyone for all of the e-mails and kind words, and once again remind those of you who only check out the CDP for Lost Monday, I’m a published author! This was just a small section of what the CDP is all about; please stick around and allow me entertain you with poop jokes and snark.

Please start the conversation in the comments section, send anything you want to communistdance@yahoo.com, and enjoy the following links to every Lost Monday…ever.

Thank you. I’m taking the rest of the week off.

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(“If my beard were made of scotch, I’d totally drink it.”)

Season 4 – Episode 1 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 2 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 3 Pop Crunch Recap
Season 4 – Episode 4 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 4 Pop Crunch Recap
Season 4 – Episode 5 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 6 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 7 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 9 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 10 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 12 Recap
Season 4 – Finale Edition 1
Season 4 – Finale Edition 2
Season 4 – Finale Edition 3
Season 4 – Finale Edition 4
Season 3 Preview
Season 3 – Episode 1 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 2 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 3 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 4 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 5 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 6 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 7 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 8 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 9 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 10 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 11 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 12 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 13 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 14 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 15 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 16 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 17 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 18 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 19 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 20 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 21 Recap
Season 3 – Finale Edition 1
Season 3 – Finale Edition 2
Season 3 – Finale Edition 3
Season 3 – Episode 22/23 Recap
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 23/24 RECAP
SEASON TWO – FINALE EDITION 2
SEASON TWO – FINALE EDITION 1
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 22 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 21 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 20 RECAP
SEASON TWO – CLIP SHOW EDITION
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 19 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 18 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 17 RECAP
SEASON TWO – TEMPORARY EDITION
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 16 RECAP
SEASON TWO – RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 8
SEASON TWO – RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 7
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 15 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 14 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 13 RECAP
SEASON TWO – RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 6
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 12 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 11 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 10 RECAP
SEASON TWO – RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 5
SEASON TWO – RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 4
SEASON TWO – RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 3
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 9 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 8 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 7 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 6 RECAP
SEASON TWO – RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 2
SEASON TWO – RERUN EDITION
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 5 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 4 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 3 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 1 RECAP
SEASON 2 PREVIEW

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(“Thank God it’s finally over.”)