Lost Friday – Retrospective Edition.

Lost Friday - Retrospective Edition.

Today’s post serves two functions. First, it’s a place to discuss the Lost Season 4 Finale without having to wait until Lost Monday. Secondly, it’s a chance to dig around the Lost Friday/Monday archives, in preparation for the Final Lost Monday Ever.

I’m writing this post on Thursday afternoon, still hours away from the season finale, so…er…I mean, I’m writing this essay early Friday morning! Wow, what a finale that was! Wasn’t it crazy when….that….thing…happened? What was that thing? That was amazing!

Look, I’ve written over 75 editions of Lost Friday/Monday (with today’s post being at least #76). Some of them were hilarious, some of them outright sucked, some of them were uninspired and most of them were awesome. Hundreds upon hundreds of pages of jokes, speculation, satire and respect for the greatest television drama in American history. I’ve received thousands of fans because of it, gathered tons of e-mail and even got nominated for a few awards in the Lost blogosphere. I always said that I’d wrap it up when I no longer enjoyed writing it or if I felt the quality was slipping due to my schedule and dedication, and that’s what I need to do at this point in time. For better or for worse, know that I’m done writing Lost Monday for the greater good of the CDP.

If you were one of the folks that showed up to the CDP solely for the Lost recaps, I implore you to stick around. As it were, I’m a pretty good storyteller in my own right.

To put it bluntly, I don’t think I’ll miss writing Lost Monday. I don’t feel vain in saying that I put an assload of work into every one of those dumb little turds; I think that my recaps, at their best, were better than pretty much any other recaps on the planet. That being said, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep on a Sunday in a very long time because of it, and it’s due time I got caught up.

I’ll still talk about Lost, I just won’t be investing six hours a week trying to create a funny recap of it. If you’re pissed off because I’m through with Lost Monday, don’t be. I didn’t want to tread water with uninspired recaps for the sake of traffic, and do something just because it might keep a few extra readers around. That ain’t me, and I hope you respect that.

So, with that being said, please enjoy the upcoming final chapter in the Lost Friday/Monday saga by checking out every single one of them. I didn’t really hit my stride until the second half of Season 2 or so, but they’re all worth the clicking if you’re interested. Let’s go.

Season 4.

Season 4.

Season 4 – Episode 1 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 2 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 3 Pop Crunch Recap
Season 4 – Episode 4 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 4 Pop Crunch Recap
Season 4 – Episode 5 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 6 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 7 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 9 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 10 Recap
Season 4 – Episode 12 Recap
Season 4 – Finale Edition 1
Season 4 – Finale Edition 2
Season 4 – Finale Edition 3

Season 3.

Season 3.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 – Episode 1 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 2 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 3 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 4 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 5 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 6 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 7 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 8 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 9 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 10 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 11 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 12 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 13 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 14 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 15 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 16 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 17 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 18 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 19 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 20 Recap
Season 3 – Episode 21 Recap
Season 3 – Finale Edition 1
Season 3 – Finale Edition 2
Season 3 – Finale Edition 3
Season 3 – Episode 22/23 Recap

Season 2.

Season 2.

SEASON TWO – EPISODE 23/24 RECAP
SEASON TWO – FINALE EDITION 2
SEASON TWO – FINALE EDITION 1
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 22 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 21 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 20 RECAP
SEASON TWO – CLIP SHOW EDITION
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 19 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 18 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 17 RECAP
SEASON TWO – TEMPORARY EDITION
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 16 RECAP
SEASON TWO – RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 8
SEASON TWO – RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 7
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 15 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 14 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 13 RECAP
SEASON TWO – RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 6
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 12 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 11 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 10 RECAP
SEASON TWO – RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 5
SEASON TWO – RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 4
SEASON TWO – RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 3
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 9 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 8 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 7 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 6 RECAP
SEASON TWO – RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 2
SEASON TWO – RERUN EDITION
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 5 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 4 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 3 RECAP
SEASON TWO – EPISODE 1 RECAP
SEASON 2 PREVIEW

Thank you so much for giving Lost Friday/Monday an audience. Sound off in the comments section, discuss the Season 4 finale and enjoy your weekend.

MONDAY: THE FINAL LOST MONDAY.

Lost Thursday – 14 Blown Predictions Edition.

14 Blown Predictions.

As season 4 draws to a close, it’s a good time to reflect on the vast, three year history of Lost episode recaps on the CDP. With Lost Friday/Monday about to ride off into the sunset for the final time, I thought it would be a good opportunity to showcase those moments where I blew it in the worst way.

A show like Lost lends itself to wild speculation and theorizing; we’ve all done it. And even though Lost Friday/Monday was, for the most part, a satirization of that week’s episode, I still liked to pretend I was an insider and made predictions for the upcoming weeks. Because I like to poke fun at myself (and because I like to begin sentences with ‘and’ and ‘because’), I’m taking this time to spotlight the 14 Worst Predictions in Lost Friday/Monday History. They’re ranked in increasing order of complete and total ignorant insanity; a good time will be had by all.

Let’s go.

Blown Prediction #14.I think the island is shaped like an octagon.
Season 2: Episode 17

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? – I thought that the Blast Door Map that Kelvin made outlined the island, which would have given it an octagonal shape. Seemed like a good theory at the time, although I now realize that when Sayid ventured off to map the island, he surely would have noticed all the straight lines and geometric angles.

Blown Prediction #13.On the mythology front, something’s going on with Vincent. He’s always around before something weird or bad happens. It’s been speculated in the past that he’s the special one, and not Walt, and this could mean that he’s working as a mole for the others.”
Season 2: Episode 13

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? – I so badly wanted Vincent to be more important than he actually was. Even though there’s still time for a crazy Vincent revelation to pop up, it’s beginning to look slim. Furthermore, isn’t anyone else bummed that he wasn’t one of the Oceanic 6?

Blown Prediction #12.We will see Mr. Widmore, the man behind Widmore Construction. The rumor is that Widmore was contracted by Dharma to build the stations on the island.
– Season 2: Episode 19

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? – Well, to be fair, his company might have been contracted to build the Dharma stations, but his overarching stake in the island was, at best, severely understated at this point.

Blown Prediction #11.Desmond is apparently a great athlete or physical specimen. Ethan was the same way. Also notice that there are bunk beds in Desmond’s room. Perhaps he and Ethan lived together.”
– Season 2: Episode 1

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? – Today, the idea of Desmond and Ethan shaking up together in the Swan Hatch is hilarious. He’s a pretty decent athlete, though, if he’d just lay off the whiskey.

Blown Prediction #10.Ethan came into the camp unnoticed because he came up through the water. This must be where the entry and exit to the hatch is.”
– Season 2: Episode 1

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? – Remember when we all thought there was just one hatch on the island? Weren’t those good times? After all that time speculating about a mythical, underwater hatch, we get to see it in the Season 3 finale for no more than 10 minutes, before it’s more or less abandoned and discarded. A bit somber, if you ask me.

Blown Prediction #9.Ana Lucia was on that plane to assist the Marshall in capturing Kate.”
– Season 2: Episode 6

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? – I didn’t realize this, but just because you’re a police officer in the state of California, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you know every other cop in the state of California. Boy, was my face red!

Blown Prediction #8.There are 6 Dharma Initiative hatches on the island, all designed to monitor and experiment on the 6 programs funded by the Hanso Foundation. The six hatches seem to be named after the 6 star systems in the constellation Apollo (remember the candy bar?), so if this is true, here are all six hatch names: Swan, Arrow, Crow, Goblet, Serpent Handler and Hunter.”
– Season 2: Episode 7

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? – This theory was akin to taking a crack on a Wheel Of Fortune puzzle with only one letter on the board. Although, I was a little bummed out to realize that there wasn’t going to be a Dharma Station called ‘The Serpent Handler.’

Blown Prediction #7.Eko wasn’t on Oceanic 815. He was one of the ministers on the Nigerian drug plane, and he’s been on the island ever since, either on his own or as an Other.”
– Season 2: Episode 7

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? – Shortly after I brainstormed this brilliant and clearly well-thought-out theory, I saw a picture of Eko running around in the Ocean wreckage with the rest of the Flight 815 castaways. In retrospect, I should have just deleted this nonsense altogether. Also, the idea that Eko would still be walking around the island in a suit after all these years is, to put it mildly, retarded.

Blown Prediction #6.Remember when Locke and Boone were searching for the beechcraft, and John’s legs started to give out on him? Perhaps Locke was getting too far away from the hatch and its healing electromagnetic field, causing his legs to atrophy again.”
– Season 2: Episode 18

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? – Look, hindsight is 20/20, and this seemed like a good theory at the time. Looking back, I think that Locke’s legs gave out on him because he was just very, very tired.

Blown Prediction #5.The Others are disguising themselves because they might be recognized by castaways as people they knew before the crash. Considering that the plane crash was set up, there might be Others that were relatively close to some of the castaways beforehand.
– Season 2: Episode 15

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? – There isn’t a fake beard on this Earth that would keep me from recognizing someone I’ve already met. Furthermore, this would be a serious test of the audience’s patience, to think that the castaways wouldn’t be able to recognize someone just because they were donning a dirty shirt and a fake mustache. Ludicrous across the board, here.

Blown Prediction #4.Ana Lucia didn’t kill Shannon. Rousseau is still on a killing spree that started when she waxed her entire “sick” crew. She fears this infection, and has been spying on the Castaways for quite a while now. The “sickness” has something to do with hearing the voices all around you in the jungle. Sayid and Shannon both have it, and this is why Sayid was able to see Walt along with Shannon. So, Rousseau knows that Shannon is infected and kills her. When we resume this story, we’ll see Rousseau with a gunshot wound, feet from the carnage. Mark my words.
– Season 2: Episode 6

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? – The obsession surrounding Season 2 of Lost lent itself quite well to not trusting anything that the writers and producers clearly lay out for us. Even though we saw Ana shoot Shannon, a bizarre edit made it look shady enough to speculate over for a week. Nowadays, I haven’t the energy to dig this deep for a conspiracy.

Blown Prediction #3.Taking the nature of the Others into consideration, can it be possible that Henry Gale is an Alex-type prisoner? What I mean is, could Henry have been someone kidnapped by the Others at an earlier age and raised to follow their teachings and experiments?
– Season 2: Episode 16

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? – Knowing what we know now, this theory is absolutely hilarious. Henry Gale went on to become Benjamin Linus, Alex went on to be Benjamin’s kidnapped daughter, and Ben himself exterminated the entire Dharma Initiative as a child, with the help of Richard and the Hostiles. I actually think I got 30 things wrong with this prediction.

Blown Prediction #2.Dharma was responsible for the plane crash; it was all set up ahead of time. The psychic in Australia was in on it, convincing Claire to board flight 815. Dharma was aware that Aaron was special as soon as he was conceived. They wanted this baby so bad, and their power was so far-reaching, that they essentially did everything up to this point for the sole purpose of getting this baby.
– Season 2: Episode 15

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? – True, the Others wanted Aaron, but they didn’t suck a plane out of the sky for that sole purpose. When we found out that Desmond accidentally crashed Flight 815, the seemingly random nature of the show blended seamlessly with the meticulous and structured nature of the plotline. Also, I’ve wasted my life.

#1.Vincent will be a bigger part of season two, even getting a flashback episode of his own. He will be partly responsible for locating Walt once he returns, and an important tool in getting inside Walt’s mind.”
– Season 2 Preview

What Do You Have To Say For Yourself? – Jesus. That’s what I have to say for myself.

Hey, the Lost Season 4 Finale is on tonight! Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Lost Wednesday – Season 4 Caption Edition (Part 2).

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Welcome to the second half of the Lost Monday Season 4 Calalcade of Captions. Enjoy.

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(Three minutes after his arrival on the show, Daniel manages to ruin everything.)

The arrival of Daniel brought the unavoidable arrival of Time Travel and general wonkiness to the Lost universe. Thanks, jerkass. Furthermore, it’s just too easy to mock this guy. I might even be able to kick his ass.

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(“Damn, it feels good to be an evil bastard.”)

Ben needs Locke and Hurley as allies right now, so he’s been rather nice to them as of late. However, I can assure you that once the threat of Keamy is off, he’ll go right back to being the slimiest villian on national television. What’s more, I’ve really improved my Ben Linus impression around the house; it scares the hell out of the Missus.

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(“Hey Juliet, do you know how to treat an impaling?”)

See, because he went on to be impaled by Ana Lucia. See?

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(“I was wondering if I could possibly be any less relevant.”)

I think it’s hilarious that at this point, Claire’s baby is more significant than she is, and Aaron can’t even talk or walk ten steps without crapping in his pants. Sort of like Peter O’Toole.

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(“I can’t believe I was in Speed Racer. I’ll do anything for cash.”)

I suppose, however, that there are worse things in the world than hanging out with Christina Ricci for three months.

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(Charles Widmore: Kicking ass and raising hot daughters since 1956.)

Widmore holds the secret to everything. Hopefully he’ll talk before Sayid decides to kill him.

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(This is a complicated surgical procedure known as ‘The First Base.’)

Second base to follow shortly. Then Jack puts a Journey album on, and it’s smooth sailing from there on out. Such a player he is.

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(Jin tries in vain to find a Korean video game that isn’t violently pornographic.)

I originally had this caption say “RAAALLLT!!!“, but yeah, that was sort of out-of-line. Instead, I changed it to something even more stereotypical and borderline-racist. Way to go, me.

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(“Bitch said what?”)

Juliet told Jin than Sun had an affair. That was wild; like an episode of Maury broke out on the island. I fully expected Jin to get hit with a chair at some point.

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(“Jin, did I ever tell you about the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville? I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville back in those days. I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ’em. ‘Give me five bees for a quarter,’ you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah—the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…”)

When you need comedy gold, just rip off The Simpsons, and good fortune will follow.

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(Jack Shepard. Surgeon. Hero. Mildly retarded.)

Judging from interviews and press junkets, Matthew Fox is a professional, serious guy with a limited sense of humor and a fair amount of image to uphold. Based on this criteria, I’m certain that he wouldn’t hesitate to knock my ass out if we ever ran into each other, due to years of my making fun of him.

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(“You could say that…um…well, speaking coherently is not my…um…primary concern.”)

Have some compassion for your listening audience, Daniel! Think a thought through!

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(John McCain takes a lie detector test.)

This is the 2008 equivalent of “George W. Bush tries to make toast.”

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(When your life has been ruined as many times as Sayid’s, you pretty much look like this all the time.)

Next to Locke, no Lost character has experienced as much other-worldly trauma as Sayid. He actually went on to marry a girl that he tortured, only to have her get murdered by someone else. Furthermore, let us not forget how quickly he fell in love with Shannon on the island, before she got accidentally capped. Tell me again why Sayid liked her?

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(Man, I’m so sick of people trying to use Jesus as a weapon.)

Come for the poop jokes, stay for the subtle socio-political statements.

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(“Your dad was a man-whore and you’ve abandoned your sister. Nice to meet you.”)

This must have been a rough day for Jack. I bet he went home and beat the crap out of Kate.

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(“Our story is airtight. We’ll just say that we hid out in a theater that was showing Speed Racer.”)

Two Speed Racer jokes for the price of one! Nobody saw it!

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(“Hurry! Captain baked cookies and there’s only five left! They’re chewy and delicious!”)

He’s Barry Gibb, right down to the open shirt. All he needs is a massive gold medallion.

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(“Jack, your small intestine is saying hello to me. Might want to get that re-stitched.”)

I thought about this scenario for like, 10 minutes when I wrote it. About how Sawyer would see Jack’s intestines slipping out of the hole in his gut, and how he would give the intestine a witty, depreciating nickname, like “Slippery” or “Shirt Snake.” Jack would continue to deny that he’s in pain, and make up some medical excuse as to why it would appear that his intestines are popping out of his abdomen, like, “It’s just gas escaping” or “That’s typical drainage.” This would continue for days, until Jack would be just dragging a mile-long length of his insides all around the island, continually denying that anything was wrong. Then, Jack’s intestines would have a flashback to when they were safely tucked away before the botched appendectomy, and we’ll find out that they had met Richard Alpert and… they seriously could have made an entire episode about that.

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(“Did someone say ‘fondue?’ Don’t start without me! WAAAAALLLLLLT!!!”)

At CDP Headquarters, we play a little game where we exclaim ‘WAAAALLLLT!!!’ every time Michael or Walt shows up on screen. It’s like our own version of Rocky Horror, except that Lost isn’t one of the most overrated, annoying and outwardly awful pieces of recorded media of all-time.

Thanks for reading. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day. More Lost Season Finale goodness to follow tomorrow.

Lost Tuesday – Season 4 Caption Edition (Part 1).

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To this day, I can’t get over how funny this picture of Desmond is. Nor can I deny how much he looks like Barry Gibb. “I’m not gonna take any crap from anybody!”

Anyways, this week will be completely devoted to the Season 4 finale of Lost, and what better way to kick things off than with a smattering of some of the best Lost Monday captions of this season?

…Okay. Arguably, there are many better ways than this, but I was operating on a deadline. Enjoy.

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(I’ve seen the future, and it’s a world without razors.)

I can’t remember who told me, but someone said that this was their favorite caption ever. In all honestly, I think I wrote this at about 2am on a Sunday, and still have yet to determine if it’s funny or not.

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(“So, it’s settled; Charlie doesn’t deserve a funeral. Who wants dinner?”)

Personally, I’m still hoping for his husk to wash ashore at some point. Considering the time-traveling wackiness we can expect in Season 5, he’ll probably come back to life during Sweeps.

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(Hurley risks life and limb to rescue a ‘Cool Ranch’ Dorito he accidentally dropped into the ocean.)

Now I know why children make fun of fatter children. It’s easy, hilarious and wrong on almost every level of class.

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(Oh look, a Patriots fan.)

I bet that still hurts, ‘eh?

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(“HAAAAAAAMMMMMM!!!”)

I think my initial joke was something along the lines of, “I’m stuck in the vending machine again,” or some crap, but I know where the belly laughs truly reside.

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(“Kate, it’s Jack. Have you seen my right eye?”)

It’s rare that I get to make sight gags on the CDP.

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(Meet Daniel Faraday. The world’s first living, breathing, waterproof Muppet.)

I enjoy this caption, mainly because I think that ‘The Waterproof Muppets’ would be a tremendously rad band name.

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(Locke slaps Hurley across the face with the power of his mind.)

This is the funniest caption of the bunch, no question about it. Sometimes I’ll see a photo, and the joke is already there; everytime I see this picture, I snortle heartily.

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(“Hello, liquor store? Can you deliver a quart of scotch directly to my liver?”)

If anyone’s ever heard the classic comedy bit by Hudson & Landry, titled ‘Ajax Liquor Store,’ you’ll know precisely why this is funnier than it should be. For the rest of you that didn’t grow up listening to 50-year-old comedy records, you’re probably in a much better position anyway.

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(Naomi does this neat thing where she sleeps with her eyes open. Forever.)

I like this, mainly because I was really glad to see Naomi get killed off so quickly. And by Locke, no less.

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(“Listen brother, there’s only room on this island for one crazy, bearded drunk, and it’s ME!”)

I recycled this joke for when I wrote an episode of the Pop Crunch show. Nobody seemed to notice, and the money spent the same.

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(“I have freckles, Herpies. Wait, I mean I have herpies, Freckles.”)

Again, another one of those jokes that comes at two in the morning, after staring at Sawyer’s dumbass expression for six minutes in a row. Is it funny? We’ll never know.

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(“Boy, I’d sure like to blow an Asian guy’s face clean off today.”)

If you recall, this was the episode where Locke crammed a live grenade into Miles’ mouth and left him to think about what he did. The joy that Locke seems to have in thinking this thought through is one of the reasons I think it works well.

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(“MITTENS!”)

Jack makes more Special-Ed faces than the rest of the cast combined.

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(“Hey bayliff, we’re wearing the same khakis. High five.”)

This is funnier if you imagine the bayliff looking back at him like he’s insane.

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(“You may want to opt for the plea bargain, Kate; you’ve somehow managed to kill eight people on your way here today.”)

Tell me again why we’re supposed to like Kate, and hope that she ends up safe and sound? She’s a sociopath, murderer and a bank robber. She may be cute, but come on, the baggage alone is enough to fill the chasm between Michael Strahan’s teeth.

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(Apparently, Daniel was a PHD in Douchebagology at Oxford.)

If you don’t want to punch that guy right in the snoot, then I don’t know if we can be friends.

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(Desmond realized he was a bit off-course when he saw a dolphin swim past the helicopter.)

This is funny.

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(“Time travel? Are you f***ing kidding me?”)

This represents the utter bafflement and disbelief of every hardcore Lost fan out there that doesn’t want to see their beloved show fall off the deep end. Time will tell.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Wednesday – Season 4 Caption Edition (Part 2).

Weezer – ‘Pork & Beans.’

Hell yeah, Weezer is back, bitches!

The above clip is the first single from their new album (‘THE RED ALBUM’ – OUT TOMORROW!), titled ‘Pork & Beans.’ The song itself is a return to form, chorus-wise, with quirky lyrics, no solos and an insanely catchy verse melody.

Taking a cue from the new millenium Viral Video trend, Weezer once again plants itself dead-center in the bullseye of Pop Culture, producing one of the most epic music videos I’ve seen in years. Sure, this will be horribly outdated in a matter of a year or two, but for now, it’s jaw-droppingly hilarious, brilliant and precisely indicative of the overall theme of the song. I can’t believe that they managed to get all of these viral wierdos in the same room together.

Absolutely awesome.

Weezer’s ‘Blue Album’ was the first compact disk I ever purchased. Since then, Rivers and co. have stuck beside me through thick and thin, and I have done the same for them. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Tomorrow – Lost Season 4 Caption Edition (Part 1.)

You’re A Money Bin, Baby, And I’m Scrooge McDuck.

Worldwide Mix-Tape Trade 3.

More information to follow shortly. The theme and sign-up info will arrive on June 6. Be ready.

Next week will be entirely devoted to the Lost season finale, as we wind down Season 4 and prepare for the final Lost Mondayever.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your extended weekend. The CDP will return on Tuesday.

Tuesday – Lost Monday: Season 4 Caption Edition (Part 1).
Wednesday – Lost Monday: Season 4 Caption Edition (Part 2).

Sell My Old Clothes, I’m Off To Heaven.

There's a beautiful sky tonight.

Before we moved into our current home, me and the Missus decided to do a fair amount of Spring cleaning, particularly with our old clothing. It had been about six years since I rooted through my old clothes, and we felt it was necessary to do so before the move, as a way to trim the fat and give Goodwill a hefty donation (and subsequent hefty tax deduction for ourselves).

I learned a few things about myself during that afternoon spent in the basement. Mainly that I used to listen to a lot of terrible bands whom I felt the need to endorse in t-shirt form, and I, for whatever reason, thought I was a size Large when I was 20 (I’m a Small at 26, and I’ve gained no less than 30 pounds since 2002). When the dust settled, there were 14 garbage bags, stuffed to the hilt, with clothing I no longer had a use for. 14 bags. Enough for some college student to wear a different shirt every day for a year.

Apparently, I was the Vanna White of punk kids. For as anti-establishment and anti-fashion as I thought I was, I clearly spent a lot of time at the mall. I also stumbled across three Hawaiian shirts and two bowling shirts, which are the only two reasons I still remember that Gadzooks (and the brief revival of Swing music) ever existed.

So, now what? We contemplated the various things we could do with the gently-used clothing that would A) Make us a little bit of money, and B) Be as easy as possible to undertake.

Initially, we figured Goodwill was the way to go. It’s for a good cause (mainly poor kids and rich kids that want to pretend they’re poor), and also, they like to employ people that are far too terrifying to work at Old Navy or The Gap. Oh, and they also have cheap vinyl and most locations smell like Play-Doh. It was a done deal; Goodwill rules, provided I only have to shop there ironically.

The Missus then informed me that we would need to tear through each garbage bag and individually itemize each shirt and if we wanted to get a fair shake concerning our tax deduction. This was an instant deal-breaker for me, as I’m far too busy and care far too little to hand-detail fifteen thousand Mr. T Experience shirts and studded belts. At this point, I honestly just wanted to throw everything away and forget about it. After all, the shirts weren’t bringing us any money sitting in the basement; why should I bust my balls to wring some cash out of them now?

The Missus suggested eBay, as we do have a lot of out-of-print band shirts in great condition. Perhaps we could make an absolute killing off of online auction nerds that can’t seem to live another day without the Catch-22 shirt I haven’t worn since my old band got banned for life from the Blue Moon Coffee House in Neenah, Wisconsin (I think someone was thrown through a table that night). Of course, the work needed to maintain 400 different auctions and ship 400 shirts to 400 different locations seemed like a considerably harder task than the Goodwill schtick I already put the kibosh on. I said no deal, and we continued to brainstorm.

Hey, what about a garage sale?” Said the Missus, who is very intelligent for the four hours a day that she’s been awake this month. “There’s a lot of teenagers around here, they might like some of this stuff.

Part of me was all ears. Another part of me thought she was greatly overestimating how much 2008’s teenagers would care about the defunct bands of 1999. Show me a 16-year-old girl that’s currently obsessed with The Promise Ring or Lifetime, and I’ll show you a 26-year-old guy that she might want to stay away from; things just don’t work that way. Furthermore, having a garage sale with nice, blank shirts is all-encompassing as far as your demographic goes. Band shirts, however, appeal only to specific people and turn away the rest. It’s going to be fairly difficult to sell a Queers shirt to a kid who doesn’t know who they are, and who also prefers to come home from school every day without the elastic waistband from his boxer shorts wrapped firmly around his head.

That being said, approximately 65% of the other shirts were indeed ready-made for the rummage table. Fruity-ass sweaters with snowflakes on them. Tees sporting crude sayings that only White Trash still finds funny in this day and age. Denim and plaid by the metric ton (for what it’s worth, there was a span of about four years where County Seat was my favorite store). Every one of my phases was on display, here. Perhaps a garage sale wasn’t that bad of an idea after all.

I had never operated a rummage sale, and I needed some advice, so I called up one of the most brilliant and seasoned minds available when it came to the art of the garage-stravaganza, my mom.

CDP – “Hey mom, what’s up?”

MOM – “Nothing much, just going through all the photo albums and putting banana stickers over your face. Maybe the Chiquita logo will look more like the son I wanted to have.”

CDP – “Fair enough. Hey, I’m thinking about having a garage sale.”

MOM – “Finally getting rid of all those 80’s toys and remnants of your faded youth?”

CDP – “Um…no, I’m hanging onto those for a little while longer. Actually, I’m about to liquidate a lot of old shirts.”

MOM – “That’s for the best. I always thought you looked a little retarded in those clothes.”

CDP – “Why didn’t you say anything?”

MOM – “Well, I was operating under the suspicion that you actually were mentally deficient, so I wanted to remain sensitive should Social Services ever pay a visit.”

CDP – “I see. Looking out for your firstborn, ‘eh?”

MOM – “Yeah, something like that. Look, ask me a question or let me get back to forgetting about you.”

CDP – “Sorry, okay. How do I put on a rummage sale?”

MOM – “You put price tags on the shirts, put the shirts on a table and put the table in the garage.”

CDP – “Talk slower, I’m taking notes.”

MOM – “That’s it.”

CDP – “Oh, really? Awesome. Hey, just one more thing…”

MOM – “You need to open the garage door, first.”

CDP – “Perfect, thanks. Hey, if you weren’t busy this weekend, I’d love to-“

MOM – (click)

I thought I’d be ready and willing to rummage it up after talking to my mom, but she only made me doubt the decision even more. Once the neighborhood ghouls made off with my best clothes for next-to-nothing prices, I’d still be left with hundreds of crappy shirts that nobody wants, which will put be back to square one. I needed to find a way to get rid of everything, all at once.

Therefore, I’m putting the question out to you, the CDP Faithful. What should I do with all these clothes? I’ve given you five options to mull over.

Choice #1. Have a rummage sale and hope for the best.
Workload – Low.
Cash Earned – Minimal.
No More Clothes? – Not Likely.

Choice #2. Spend all Summer monitoring 400 eBay auctions.
Workload – Extremely High.
Cash Earned – Fair To Moderate.
No More Clothes? – Eventually.

Choice #3. Suck it up, individually itemize and stock Goodwill.
Workload – High.
Cash Earned – Decent-Sized Tax Deduction.
No More clothes? – Indeed.

Choice #4. Throw the bags in the Goodwill drop box and speed away.
Workload – Nonexistent.
Cash Earned – Not A Dime.
No More Clothes? – Yup.

Choice #5 – Bonfire keg party.
Workload – None.
Cash Earned – None.
No More Clothes? – A dustpan’s worth.

Help a brother out. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Lost Monday – "There’s No Place Like Home."

Lost Monday - There's No Place Like Home.
Season 4 – Episode 12: “There’s No Place Like Home (Part 1).

Another Lost Monday is upon us, we have much to discuss.

Season 4 has been like no other in the history of Lost. Strike-shortened, they were forced to cram 16 episodes of material in 13 hours, and they delivered in a commendable way, setting a pace that we had never seen in their typically plodding and deliberate storyline. So it seems fitting that it’s hard to believe that we only have one more episode left until Season 4 is officially over and done with, leaving us to wait until January 2009 for the Greatest Drama in Television History to pick up where they left off.

This week, we had the first act to a 3-act season finale, which delivered in a big way. We saw the return of the Oceanic 6 to the mainland, we saw a few more post-rescue flash-forwards, Hurley ate some cake and Aaron was played by three different babies and a plastic doll. It was significantly more rad than this description can properly warrant.

So let’s do this. It’s time for The Thick And Meaty!

The Thick & Meaty!

AT THE BEACH WHERE THE BEACH LIVES.

Jack and Kate head out to find the rescue helicopter. Daniel realizes that the Orchid will make time and space all wonky, and tells Charlotte that they need to leave the show immediately before it starts to get too silly for its own good.

IN THE JUNGLE WHERE THE JUNGLE LIVES.

Kate and Jack run into Miles, Sawyer and Aaron. They inform Jack and Kate that Claire ran off into the jungle, and she was just too annoying for them to muster up the productivity to chase after her.

Kate, Aaron and Miles head back to the beach, while Jack and Sawyer head in search of the chopper. When they find Frank, he informs them that Keamy is an evil bastard, and they need to make sure Hurley is as far away from him as possible when he reaches the Orchid.

Kate and Sayid head back out in search of the castaways, when they are suddenly surrounded by Richard Guyliner and his Merry Group of Hostiles.

They're Chewy And Delicious!
(“Hurry! Captain just baked cookies, and there’s only five left! They’re chewy and delicious!”)

BACK AT THE BEACH WHERE THE BEACH CONTINUES TO LIVE.

Daniel, Sun, Jin, Aaron and a few random extras get on the zodiac raft towards the freighter. The extras are one of my least favorite parts of the show. It should really all be speaking parts at this point.

ON THE FREIGHTER WHERE MICHAEL CONTINUES TO SULK.

The freighter is rigged with explosives. Jin wants his Rolex watch back from Michael.

ON THE WAY TO ORCHID TOWNE, USA.

Ben makes mirror signals to an unseen dude as they head towards the Orchid. Once there, he surrenders to Keamy and his men, while Locke infiltrates the Orchid Station. Hurley hangs back and eats 15 year old Dharma Saltines.

This Is Why Our Nation Is So Screwed Up.
(Man, I’m so tired of people using Jesus as a weapon.)

FLASH-FORWARD – OCEANIC 6: SPONSORED BY OCEANIC.

The Oceanic 6 are dropped at a base in Hawaii for the press conference. They all stick with the false story, which has yet to be determined as to why. This is kind of big deal, as they got rescued, and it was an insanely cool moment for the show. The reporters make fun of Hurley’s weight, hereby making it uncool for me to do so anymore.

FLASH-FORWARD – SAYID THE INSUFFERABLE IRAQI.

Sayid meets up with Nadia. They share a hug, only to instantly get married and have Nadia be murdered by ruthless henchmen.

FLASH-FORWARD – SUN THE SEXY STOCKHOLDER.

Sun calls out her dad for never liking Jin, uses her fat Oceanic settlement to buy a large amount of stock in the company, and tells him to suck it. Paik’s eye gets all twitchy.

Speak A Full Sentence, And I'll Eat My Damn Hat.
(“Muffin pickle lumberjack pants.”)

FLASH-FORWARD – HURLEY THE BOUNTIFUL BILLIONAIRE.

A party is thrown for Hurley, but he has a freak-out and runs down the street when The Numbers rear their ugly head in the car that his dad had restored for him. Damn you, Cheech!

FLASH-FORWARD – JACK THE PILL-POPPIN’ PHYSICIAN.

Jack makes a speech at his dad’s wake, only to run into Christian’s shadow wife, who informs him that Claire is his half-sister, and Aaron is his nephew. He takes this a little hard.

FLASH-FORWARD – AARON THE BABY.

Poops self and cries for the duration. I’ll never forgive the Lost crew for letting this kid be part of the Oceanic 6.

That’s a lot to cover. Better Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 – At Hurley’s surprise party, Sayid is sporting a wedding ring, implying that he is already married to Nadia at this point. They did not screw around, it would appear.

Furthermore, I like how often member of the Oceanic 6 appear in the other’s flash-forwards. The idea that Sayid flew halfway around the world to hang out with Hurley for a few hours is hilarious to me. I can’t believe that any of them ever fly at all.

8 – Ben’s Morse Code message to whomever was up in the mountains was ‘seize.’ Expect to see Keamy and his men get taken out, Hostile-style.

15 – Taken From Lostpedia: “Hurley’s birthday party scene contained the following Easter eggs: 4 palm trees on the lanai, 8 helium balloons tied by the pool, 15 presents on the lanai table, 16 party hats worn by background individuals, 23 & 42 were the numbers on the jerseys worn on the 2 boys crossing over the pool right after the DJ was shown.”

This is precisely why I love Hurley-centric stories. The producers pepper his episodes with crap like this.

You Don't Recognize Me, Do You?
(“Your dad was a man-whore and you’ve abandoned your sister. Nice to meet you.”)

16 – Claire’s mom was played by a new actress this time around; different from her character’s only other appearance in ‘Par Avion.’ In her first appearance, she did not have a speaking part.

If you remember, she was in a coma for many years after a car accident, and was actually still in the coma when Claire boarded Oceanic 815. Same character, different actress, fine with me.

23 – I enjoyed the multiple convergences at the end of this episode. Hell, they even used music that they typically don’t use during an episode of Lost. Seeing how the Oceanic 6 will eventually come together and become the only ones to be rescued is getting neater by the week. I’ve always been a fan of literary devices where you know what’s going to happen, but have no idea how the characters are going to get to that particular point. Typically, a storyline that dense cannot be done within the breakneck confines of a television show. Just another reason why Lost is better than you.

I Wish You Were Dead.
(“I’ll miss you, you terrifying, residually haunting bastard.”)

42 – Sun tells her dad that there are two people responsible for Jin’s death, and he is one of them. Who is the other person? I’m assuming we’ll find out next week.

You know, it was awesome to see the Oceanic 6 off of the island, safe and sound (regardless of what we know is about to happen to them, and despite the fact that they’re lying to the world for some yet-unexplained reason), but I couldn’t help but think that they should have lived their post-island lives a little differently. It would have certainly saved some unnecessary stress in the future.

5 Awesome Things.
(“The survivors crashed here, on Make Believe Island.”)

Here now, 5 Awesome Things that the Oceanic 6 (minus stupid, alien-esque Aaron, who I will never recognize as a Flight 815 survivor) should have done upon reaching the mainland and getting that sweet Oceanic hush money.

This Is Airtight; We Just Say That Hurley Ate Everyone.
(“Our story is airtight. Just say that we hid out in a theater that was showing Speed Racer.”)

1. Jack.

What He Did – Went back to the medical practice. Was driven insane with guilt and remorse; now pops pills, drinks booze and has more facial hair than Jim Morrison in Paris.

What He Should Have Done – Retired, purchased Red Sox season tickets and had sex with Kate until the end of time.

Pa-Tooie.
(For whatever reason, Kate enjoyed puking in Jack’s water bottle.)

2. Kate.

What She Did – Raised Aaron as her own. Was acquitted of murder and now seemingly functions as a housewife.

What She Should Have Done – Actually, this has turned out pretty good for her. Too bad she’ll never not be a scheming, dishonest whore that subconsciously shatters her every attempt at personal happiness. Kind of shot herself in the foot, there.

So...Do You Like Golf?
(“So…do you like baseball, or….?”)

3. Sayid.

What He Did – Driven by rage, now works for Ben Linus as a personal hitman, killing people that probably have little to nothing to do with the death if his wife, Nadia.

What He Should Have Done – Became a local pro at the Winchester Hills Golf Club in Winchester, Wisconsin. It’s right next to my grandma’s house.

Dude...Dude...Dude...
(Maybe Hurley is the numbers. Anyone ever think of that?)

4. Hurley.

What He Did – Went batshit crazy.

What He Should Have Done – Took the medicine.

Yes, I'm Marrying A Wisconsin Humorist, That's Correct.
(“I was saved by the brilliant American humorist and author, Ryan J. Zeinert.”)

5. Sun.

What She Did – Attempted to get back at her father by purchasing a sizeable amount of stock in the company. Got even more pregnant-er.

What She Should Have Done – Moved in with nationally-known and acclaimed Wisconsin author, blogger and humorist, Ryan J. Zeinert.

That’s what they should have done.

Spoilers ahoy! All will be revealed for the finale! It’s time for The Preview!

The Preview.
(“Now, you know for a fact that my sexiness will deflect those bullets.”)

1 – The season finale is titled “There’s No Place Like Home (Parts 2 & 3).” It should continue to focus on the Oceanic 6, and it will be two hours (8-10pm Central), so TiVo, nap and poop accordingly.

2 – The official press release from ABC reads: “The face-off between the survivors and the freighter people continues, and the Oceanic Six find themselves closer to rescue.”

Wow, thanks for all the juicy details, Vaguey McVaguerson; I would have never guessed that it would end this way. They might as well have said: “Survivors of a plane crash attempt to live on a mysterious island.

The Wings Are Getting Cold!
(“Did someone say ‘Fondue?’ Don’t start without me! WAAAALLLLLT!”)

3 – The cast listing for the finale is spectacular and wildly open for theorization and speculation. Making an appearance will be Walt, Richard Alpert, Christian Shepard, Penny Widmore, Charles Widmore, Michael’s mom and the triumphant return of Dr. Marvin Candle. I’m assuming Dr. Markvin Candlewick has something to do with the Orchid Station, which is pretty much the shark that Lost is in danger of jumping over heading into Season 5.

4 – Mined from the Interweb: “A big scene is being planned for filming currently involving the rescue. The Freighter people are NOT the ones that do the rescuing. The season finale will leave you ballistic as far as cliffhangers go.” Quite frankly, I would have expected nothing less.

Also remember that Lost won’t return until January of 2009, so yeah…that’s pretty much terrible. Here’s hoping that by the time the Season 5 premiere hits the airwaves, President Obama will be all sworn in and inaugurated right proper.

I Think I'm Gonna Yak, Chief.
(“Jack, your small intestine is looking at me. Might want to get re-stitched.”)

5 – People keep telling me about this spectacular, mind-blowing kiss that’s set to take place during the finale. The way they’ve been building it up, there’s no way I won’t be let down unless Yunjin Kim herself shows up at my door at plants one on me. That being said, my theory is that a kiss will take place at the exact time that the Orchid Station does it’s time-travelin’ magic and essentially stops the world in its tracks. Yeah, it sounds lame, but you never know with Lost.

Well, there you have it; another lemon-scented Lost Monday in the books. Start the conversation in the comments section, send all hate mail and erotic photography to communistdance@yahoo.com, and catch up on Season 4 by checking out every Lost Monday from this year. Cheers.

Lost Monday – Episode 1 Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 2 Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 3 Pop Crunch Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 4 Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 4 Pop Crunch Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 5 Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 6 Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 7 Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 9 Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 10 Recap.

Survivors Will Be Shot Again.

Five Dollar Footlongs.

Just a reminder that Lost Monday returns next week.

You know, for as much as people say that I’ve been slacking this year, I need to point out that I’ve only missed two Lost Mondays this season (Episodes 8 & 11). The latter was due to my move into the new CDP Headquarters, and the first absence was…you know what? I don’t remember why I went deadbeat that week; perhaps I just wanted to get some sleep on a Sunday night for a change. Not to mention those awesome Pop Crunch Lost recaps I wrote, which netted me literally dozens of dollars in royalties.

Speaking of which, the move has been going splendidly, thanks in part to proper planning and a lot of hard work by the Missus and yours truly. So far, the biggest casualty of the move was when I dropped a photo scanner on my ankle and gashed it open pretty good. This scanner is at least 14 years old, one of the first home photo scanners ever made, if you believe what the Missus has to say. All I know is that it’s a good 15 pounds and needed to be stuffed in the basement, under a pile of Bobby Vinton records and a microwave we no longer need.

I wanted to just throw the irrelevant relic away (the scanner, not Chevy Chase), but the Missus assured me that it was cool and valuable enough to warrant a temporary stay in the basement. I decided (quite poorly, in retrospect) to set said scanner atop a pile of lighter cardboard boxes and carry everything down the steps in one fell swoop. True to form, it was no less than 20 seconds later that I found myself rolling around on the basement floor, quite convinced that my ankle was broken.

Approximately five steps from the floor, I pivoted my heel, sending my oversized load off-balance. The scanner started to shift off of the cardboard boxes, causing me to rotate hard and promptly lose everything I had been holding onto. For a fraction of a second, everything was cartwheeling through the air in slow-motion, and I knew that I only had the reaction time to save one of them.

Furthermore, I was also out of shape enough to know that I probably wouldn’t be able to save anything.

I knew that if the scanner hit the basement floor and exploded with microchips, wires and failure, the Missus would think I did it on purpose as a way to dispose of it forever. I couldn’t give her the satisfaction of having something unnecessary and wrong to hold over my head, so at the last second, I stuck my leg out to break the scanner’s fall. My theory was that the scanner would bounce off of my shoe and gently rest at the foot of the stairs.

In reality, this massive piece of recent nostalgia dropped five feet through the air, hit its terminal velocity, struck me corner-first in the ankle, and then shattered into a million pieces on the basement floor. I took a step and dropped to one knee, due in part to survey the damage and mostly because it hurt like hell and I was crying. The scanner, remarkably, was fixable. My ankle, however, is a current shade of yellow, blue and green that forms a bulge in my left sock.

So goes the moving process. If there’s anything positive to come of this, it’s that it has been a long time since I got to write an essay about injuring myself.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend.

(NOTE: I recently did an interview with the Capital Times concerning my take on Facebook Status Updates, and you can check it out right here!)

Currently Listening To: Zoinks! – Stranger Anxiety
Currently Reading:
Chuck Klosterman – IV
Currently Watching:
Lost
Currently Playing:
Mariokart Wii

The CDP’s Top 15 NES Games Of All-Time.

Top 15 NES Games Of All-Time.

If you’re reading this on Monday and not in the distant future, my Internet connection is currently shut down, and my computer is sitting in a shipping crate on the way to the all-new CDP Headquarters (location unknown). The moving process has been slow and trudging, and I didn’t have enough time to write a Lost Monday that I was anything close to proud of.

Another way to say it is that Lost Monday was nowhere near the top of my Priorities List.

So, in substitution, here’s a far-better essay I’ve been working on for a few weeks; The CDP’s Top 15 NES Games Of All-Time. It’s loaded with links, clips, pop culture goodness and various other things that will entertain you thusly if you have the patience to check out everything I’ve thrown into it (and if you are a child or man-child of the 80’s). Please enjoy; the CDP will return when Headquarters is fully functional. Thanks, and enjoy the next few days.

It should also be noted that this is a list of my favorite NES games, not some be-all-to-end-all list that I think you’ll agree entirely with. Furthermore, if you feel the need to explain in detail why Castlevania was better than Metal Gear, chances are that we’re going to end up being friends anyway. Let’s go.

Pre-Countdown Honorable Mentions go to: Castlevania (for being scary), Contra (for being extremely difficult without the Konami Code), Ghouls-‘N-Ghosts (for being absolutely impossible), Ninja Gaiden (for the kickass storyline), Final Fantasy (for being Final freaking Fantasy) & Double Dragon II (for the Cyclone Spin Kick).

Super Mario Bros. 2.

15. Super Mario Bros. 2

SMB2 is hard. Really hard. Interest-rate mortgage calculation over 30 years, adjusted for inflation with PMI included-hard, as far as this guy is concerned. In fact, I’ve never actually won SMB2 without the assistance of a certain Game Genie-esque device that allowed me to leap over levels and attack Wart with Matrix-style bullet-time speed. Furthermore, SMB2 wasn’t even a Mario game until it was repackaged for American audiences in 1988 (and was featured in the first issue of Nintendo Power, which I proudly own).

That all being said, the music, cartoonish boss appeal and multiple-character selection were all fairly groundbreaking at the time (not to mention the bizarre androgeny of Birdo), and I put many a controller through the drywall trying to reiterate myself with the jumping scheme and new Mario features. I played this game so much as a child, that I named my cat at the time ‘Meowser,’ a take-off of the bad-ass SMB2 boss, Mouser.

Don’t laugh, asshole, I was 7. It’s still one of the more clever things I’ve done.

YouTube Goodness – The Mouser Battle.

Ring King.

14. Ring King

Where to start with the awesomeness that is Ring King? The fighters that ranged in color from Simpsons yellow to nearly-dead E.T. gray? The knockouts that could literally eject your opponent from the stadium? Or how about the most unintentional sexual act in NES history, the imfamous ‘cornerman bob-n’-weave?’ Ring King was a game that was simple to play (the button-mashing controls assured that first-timers could kick any seasoned pro’s ass), which meant that the multi-player tournaments were always a blast.

An underrated NES party game, especially when two n00bz would duke it out for the first time. It normally looked like a Toughman competition; just two guys teeing off on the other’s face until someone up and died. And what’s more fun than that?

YouTube Goodness – Knocked Out Of The Stadium.

R.C. Pro-Am.

13. R.C. Pro-Am

There are many NES-related moments that we can all, as retro gamers, remember fondly. In my opinion, there was never anything funnier than watching someone attempt to play R.C. Pro-Am for the first time. The control scheme, completely impossible to explain or understand (until it became a permanently ingrained part of your central nervous system), virtually assured that the first 20 attempts at Track 1 would consist of 90-degree pinwheeling into every barrier, wall or oil slick in existence. Once you got it down, you were unstoppable, but when your friend took the reins for the first time, the epic failure was pure bliss.

Special attention goes out to the Yellow Car and its ‘impossible speed’ bursts in later stages of the game; one of the first examples of outright ‘cheating‘ by computer AI. Go to hell, unnamed driver. You’re the reason my trophy room is full of bronze wrenches.

YouTube Goodness – Opening Tracks & The Trophy Room.

TMNT2: The Arcade Game.

12. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game

I have an extremely fond memory of attending a birthday party at Aladdin’s Castle in the 3rd Grade (remember when arcades used to be amazing?). Myself and my three closest friends pooled our ridiculously large amount of game tokens into a small mound under the TMNT cabinet and went to town, winning the game two times in a row.

Girls were gently patting the sweat off of our brows and assisting us with generous sips of Mello Yello as we stayed focused and united. I was Donatello; I was always Donatello. It was one of my most treasured video game achievments; I think we pumped $80 into that damn machine.

I can’t even remember who’s birthday it was that day, solidly proving that the best memories aren’t necessarily the ones that you purposely set out to create.

YouTube Goodness – Rocksteady’s Got April!

The Legend Of Zelda.

11. The Legend Of Zelda

If you ever find yourself talking to me at length about something I couldn’t care less about (and chances are that you are), The Legend Of Zelda theme music is probably running through my head on a constant loop. I’m ashamed to admit that I jumped on the Zelda train a little late in my childhood, but the joy and reward was just the same. Summer nights spent in a friend’s garage, drinking copious amounts of Kool-Aid and listening to C+C Music Factory on the boom box. It’s what memories are made of.

Come to think of it, I don’t think I ever got that C+C Music Factory tape back. I have a phone call to make.

YouTube Goodness – One Of The Best Commercials Ever.

Excitebike.

10. Excitebike

The overwhelming frustration of overheating mere inches from the finish line. Creating a custom track that launched you directly into a wall on purpose. Tripping up opponents just before an obstacle that sent them slo-mo tumbling for fifteen seconds straight. Excitebike was one of those games that absolutely everyone had, so we’re mostly united in our gaming experiences.

I was playing Grand Prix for the Atari 2600 a few weeks ago (a game that I called ‘Grand Pricks’ in 1988, because I didn’t know any better), and it made me long for Excitebike; the image of your character standing yards away from the Top 3 finishers, head bowed in shame, is one of the more psychologically damaging moments of failure in early gaming history. They should have just showed me a picture of my mom getting kicked in the stomach by Darth Vader; it may have hurt a little less.

YouTube Goodness – Knocking Out Track 5.

Tecmo Super Bowl.

9. Tecmo Super Bowl

Forget Madden. It’s well-documented that Tecmo Super Bowl is the greatest football game in history. Tournaments are still held all over the nation on a weekly basis, and YouTube clips of 500-yard, quarter-length scampers are plentiful. This is the game that will keep the fond memory of Christian ‘The Nigerian Nightmare’ Okoye in my head forever, as the game designers simply threw their hands in the air one night and said, “You know what? Screw everything; let’s just make him impossible to tackle.”

That, my friends, is awesome. “No fair; you can’t be the Chiefs!

YouTube Goodness – Superman Okoye Destroys The Colts.

Mega Man 2.

8. Mega Man 2

Taken from the Mega Man 2 Wikipedia page: “Mega Man 2 was named by GameSpot as one of ‘The Greatest Games of All Time.’ It was also honored in Nintendo Power’s ‘Top 200 Nintendo Games Ever’ list, ranked at number 33. Creator Keiji Inafune claims the success of Mega Man 2 is what made the Mega Man series a hit that continues to spawn sequels.

I couldn’t have said this better myself. Furthermore, I can’t tell you how many ‘Wood Man’ jokes I’ve made over the years. Heh-heh….wood.’

Penis.

YouTube Goodness – The Timeless Introduction To Mega Man 2.

Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!

7. Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

Well, here’s one we can all probably agree on. The cast of characters was comedic and all-encompassing. The ‘Dream Fight’ code is etched in our subconscious until the end of time (right off the top of my head: 007-373-5963). The sweat-drenched survival of the first 90 seconds with Iron Mike. Trailing behind Doc Louis’ bike while jogging in a pink tracksuit past the Statue Of Liberty. King Hippo. It’s all here.

Punch-Out!! is one of those games that I will still be playing and enjoying when I’m 50, and maybe by then I’ll get the timing down with Super Macho Man. I once had to dodge his ‘Super Spin Punch’ 38 damn times in a row.

As a side note, I didn’t actually win this game until I was in my late teens, and as I celebrated this long-awaited accomplishment alone in my bedroom, I became acutely aware that good memories are worthless unless they can be shared. Hours later, however, I lost my virginity, so I’d say it was a pretty good day for me.

YouTube Goodness – Iron Mike Gets Owned.

Super Mario Bros.

6. Super Mario Bros.

I once read an IGN or GameSpy article proclaiming that “Super Mario Bros. IS gaming.” This is unquestionably true; it launched a rebirth of video gaming that has been doing nothing but pick up steam and generate billions of profitable dollars from losers like me for the last 22 years. I cannot offer anything that hasn’t already been said in praise of SMB, nor can I properly convey its importance to technology and global culture.

What I can tell you is that the first time I won SMB, I was horribly sick with the flu, and in my overly-hyper celebration, yodeled groceries directly into the box fan whirring in my grandparents’ living room. Whatever splatteriffic result you’re imagining in your head, I can assure you it was actually far worse. It still didn’t deter my celebration; how could it?

YouTube Goodness – Amazing SMB Race.

Metroid.

5. Metroid

Metroid has been considered by many to be the greatest NES game ever made, for a number of reasons. The amazing weapons, storyline and unparalleled code system. The weeks of sleepless nights it took to finally take down the Mother Brain. The twist ending of having to escape the lair to avoid death, even after defeating the boss. And of course, the ultimate twist ending, revealing that our main character and bad-ass hero was actually a woman. That revelation alone transcended Metroid into the stratusphere when it comes to games that had a cultural impact, with endless sequels and legions of fans.

The first time I battled a Metroid, I distinctively remember yelping in terror. Those things were a goddamn nightmare, as I’ve always had a problem with things that latched onto other things and sucked their lives dry. Like David Spade.

YouTube Goodness – The Final Battle & Best Ending.

Metal Gear.

4. Metal Gear

The beginning of what is probably the greatest action franchise in gaming history. This one had it all: Spying. Traitors. Intrigue. Weapons galore. The glorification of cigarettes. The final twist and realization that your trusted boss has been setting you up for the fall from the very beginning, and it’s up to you to take him out once and for all. My ‘Official Metal Gear Map’ is tattered and held together exclusively with Scotch tape and memories, but thinking back to insomniac weekends spent conquering this game is the perfect definition of childhood happiness.

This game is also noted for its ‘Engrish,’ with phrases such as “The truck have started to move!” and “I feel asleep!” Oh, and you get penalized if you shoot the prisoners that you’re trying to capture, so try not to do that, even though they’re sitting there, all tied up and pathetic. Show restraint, Solid Snake (To this day, I’m still baffled that the game designers decided to name their main character after what amounts to nothing more than an erection joke).

YouTube Goodness – The Opening Levels To Metal Gear.

River City Ransom.

3. River City Ransom

River City Ransom has received a cult following and legions of devoted fans (ironically) after being named the ‘Most Underrated NES Game Of All-Time’ by Nintendo Power magazine. And as far as start-to-finish, vague storyline-driven games go, this was one of the most fun games you’ll probably ever play.

Follow the map, beat the piss out of every gang in River City and save your girlfriend. Rob the thugs, hit the stores to buy goods that will make yourself stronger. Nowadays, most games follow this structure; back in the day, River City Ransom was the only game in town. The music was tight, the locations were great, the weapons and violence were supreme and the replayability factor is off the charts. I still play this game.

YouTube Goodness – Basic Clip That Will Convince You Of RCR’s Awesomeness.

Tetris.

2. Tetris

Here it is. The game that gave almost all of its fans Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. The game that actually spawned a psychological after-effect known as the ‘Tetris Effect.‘ The game that is so ingrained into our minds and memories that we can actually fantasize about playing a game. Tetris deserves to sit right next to Chess and Poker as one of the greatest games in the history of mankind; a premise so simple and addictive that it changed the lives of arguably billions of people.

It’s f***ing Tetris, man!

YouTube Goodness – You’re Nowhere Near The Best Player On Earth.

Super Mario Bros. 3.

1. Super Mario Bros. 3

February 12, 1990. I had just turned 8 years old one week earlier, and pooled every penny I had received as a gift and ran to Toys-R-Us. There, behind the glass, hung the greatest Nintendo game of all-time. Super Mario Bros. 3. After seeing SMB3 for the first time in Fred Savage film The Wizard the year before (and what a brilliant marketing ploy, by the way), I knew that it was my destiny to conquer this game like a five-dollar whore.

I had the strategy guide. I had the maps. I had the entire Summer to hone my craft, and indeed I did. In the Summer of 1990, I won SMB3 an astounding 100 times, something that I’d argue that nobody else has ever done. I’d get up in the morning, eat breakfast, play some basketball and win SMB3. The next day, I did the same; so on and so forth, until school was back in session.

As depressing as that may sound, it was actually quite amazing. Friends would come over and win with me. I’d win with one life. I’d win using no Warp Zones. I even won some levels by looking into a mirror. It was probably the best Summer ever.

YouTube Goodness – Mario! Mario!

Thanks for reading. Sound off in the comments section and let us know what your favorite NES games are.