Lost Monday – "Ji Yeon."

Episode 7 -
Season 4 – Episode 7: “Ji Yeon.”

Another Lost Monday is upon us. We have much to discuss; this relationship is suffocating me!

After a busy and relatively somber weekend, it feels good to be back home and settling into a rhythm. The NCAA tournament is shaping up to be one of the best in recent memory (and Florida/Illinois-free), there’s only one more episode of Lost before a four-week hiatus allows us all to catch our breath, and I begin pre-production on my second book in 15 days.

As I’ve stated before in interviews and the like, I have at least 25 brand-new essays that I already have begun outlining for the follow-up to the wildly successful cult classic, 65 Poor Life Decisions. My goal is to have it all wrapped up on my end (some funny jokes and a decent font selection, mostly) by the end of 2008. Stagnation is my only unforgivable sin, and I’m not waiting any longer to write more poop jokes and drag my family’s name through said poop.

By the way, personalized copies of 65 Poor Life Decisions are selling fast, and I will no longer be offering the direct-mail order deal once they run out. So if you’re looking to order an autographed copy through me, you’d better do it quick, because I honestly have less than a handful of books left that aren’t already reserved. Get cracking.

Muffintop Radiator Pants!
(“Muffintop horseback radiator pants!”)

Now, it’s time to talk about Lost. One of the reasons that we dig Lost so much is due to their surprise endings, crazy revelations, trendy island fashions and their respect for the intelligence of the audience. Even though the single biggest gripe on the series is “I don’t get it,” the writers and producers of the Greatest Television Drama Of All-Time refuse to go the Heroes and Friday Night Lights route and dumb it down for a few more ratings points and that all-important “idiot” demographic the networks are constantly clamoring for (Why, FNL, why?).

That being said, last week’s episode was, in my opinion, a twist ending for the sake of twist endings. A plot device used to cover up the fact that they didn’t want to give away everything just yet, and in doing so, jerked the audience around for no good reason. In Lost history, Jin and Sun always collaborated on their flashback episodes, mainly because their separate storylines weren’t interesting enough to carry an episode on their own. Furthermore, their story as a couple was always more intriguing and parallel to what they happened to be experiencing on the island at any particular time.

What happened in ‘Ji Yeon’ was interesting, surprising and shocking, but somewhat unnecessary and deceptive for no other reason than to pad out a lackluster 48 minutes of events.

Don’t believe me? Take it up with The Thick & Meaty!

Thick And Meaty!


Jin is rushing to the hospital to deliver a present for his boss, Mr. Paik. This flashback appears to run parallel with the events of the soon-to-be-discussed flash-forward, but not so fast, Tough Guy. You’re about to look like an ass in front of all your friends.

Oh, and that’s it. That’s the entire flashback. He successfully delivers his stuffed panda on time, and life continues as planned. Quite possibly the most unnecessary flashback in Lost history.

Todd McFarlane did it, and it rules!
(Jin searches in vain for a Korean videogame that isn’t violently pornographic.)


Sun realizes that she doesn’t have a lot of time left before her pregnancy begins to end her life. Hey, most women get to at least give birth before the child ruins the rest of their life, but not poor Sun. Regardless, she doesn’t trust the Boaties and she doesn’t trust Juliet, so she wants to head off to Locke’s camp where she can at least die on a comfortable mattress. Jin blindly follows, like any husband unwilling to step into the sputtering gunfire of an unnecessary argument would.

Juliet, trying to convince Sun to stick around and attempt rescue, spills the beans to Jin that Sun had an affair with that one guy who’s head was shaped like an egg. Jin grits his teeth and decides to go fishing with Bernard, who pops in simply to remind us that yes, he’s still a character on the show.

While fishing, Jin snaps and tears Bernard’s head off. This seems to calm Jin somewhat, who heads back to Sun, accepts her apology and makes nice.

Wow, Jin forgave that affair in near-record time. He didn’t even try to snag a free night of anonymous sex for himself or anything. He didn’t even let Maury get involved, for God’s sake. This only makes sense for one reason, and one reason alone, which leads us to our Question Of The Week!

Question Of The Week.

“What Is Jin Hiding?”

A – His own private affair with a jug of Dharma Ranch Dressing.
B – A crippling Pachinko addiction.
– That he was kind of an asshole up until about three weeks ago.
D – A prehensile tail.

Of course, the correct answer is “The largest collection of Korean pornography the island has ever seen.” Thanks for playing, let’s continue on.

God damn, that's awesome.
(“God damn, it’s awesome to be me.”)


The crew of the freighter are dropping like flies every time they get near the island. I personally find the idea of the energy surrounding the island being so great as to cause insanity followed by suicide to be absolutely awesome. What a neat way to properly illustrate just how much power this place has. At least you did something right this week, Television Show.

The ‘spy’ on the boat sends a message Desmond & Sayid’s way, claiming that they shouldn’t trust the captain. Of course, if this spy is working for Ben, who does not want the island to be discovered, it would be theorized that we should trust what the captain has to say when it comes to a certain egomaniacal nebbish named Benjamin Linus. The spy keeps turning the boat towards the island, presumably in an attempt to drive everyone on board loopy.


When Desmond and Sayid finally meet up with the captain, he validates what Benjamin said in that Charles Widmore is behind the freighter and eventual discovery of the island. He also ties a few loose ends by stating that the Flight 815 crash was staged to pull one over on a global scale, and that Benjamin might have been to blame.

Whadda douche.

The revelation is that we see Michael Dawson on the boat, posing as a janitor named Kevin Johnson. Sayid and Desmond play along, but you can be assured that they will get some answers next week; particularly due to the preview footage that shows Sayid screaming “I want answers!

Now, Michael popping back up after 28 episodes away was pretty awesome, albeit a little expected. This got me wondering if there are any other Lost cameos that would be even more awesome.

5 Awesome Things.

5 Awesome Lost Cameos By Former Cast Members:

1. Ana Lucia – Shows up drunk and crashes her PT Cruiser into the island’s temporary breakfast nook.

2. Charlie – Pops in to briefly to remind everyone that he’s nailing Evangeline Lilly in real-life.

3. Tom – puts on that fake beard and acts all creepy, just for old-times sake. Maybe someday they’ll fully explain why the Others liked to play dress-up so much.

4. Paulo – Strolls into frame, is immediately shot in the face by Sawyer, and the episode continues as planned.

5. Two words: Zombie Eko.

Dat's it, bitch.
(“Bitch said what?”)


Sun, off the island and recognized as one of the Oceanic Six, successfully gives birth to a baby girl named Ji Yeon. A short time afterwards, Hurley flies in to see the baby, and visit Jin’s gravesite, where it is shown that he is being portrayed as someone who died in the Flight 815 crash. I had to pause the DVR and read it about four times, but yup, there it is.

Smash-cut, episode over.

It took me awhile to wrap my head around the ending, mainly because it was so unnecessary that it caught me by surprise. Nonetheless, this episode raised a lot of new questions, for which we must Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 – The date on Jin’s tombstone reads that he died on the date of the Flight 815 crash. This not only proves that he is NOT one of the Oceanic 6 (only 5 have been revealed), but that Sun is also following the story that only 8 survived the crash, and 6 survived for the rescue. There must be a damn good reason why Hurley, Sayid, Kate, Jack and Sun would all commit to something to emotionally draining.

I’m assuming they were offered free Cousin’s Sub sandwiches for life in exchange for their silence. What I wouldn’t give for that.

Cousin’s Subs. Better Bread, Better Subs.

8 – So, how did Jin die? Well, it would appear that Jin is not buried where his gravesite is, and that he merely didn’t make it off of the island. If he was killed or is still hanging around the island is anyone’s guess right now. Same goes for Claire, who has become so irrelevant in the face of her potentially amazing backstory that I almost feel bad for her.

15 – In the scene where Sun begins to feel labor pains, she is watching a Korean-dubbed episode of ‘Expose,’ which is the soap opera that Nikki starred in prior to the crash. Way to throw that in there; that Sun would want to watch a rerun starring a woman that she helped bury alive.

16 – As usual with Jin & Sun episodes, the on-island tension mimics the off-island revelations. In this case, Jin is making the case for himself that he is no longer the selfish, angry, scary dude that he once was. This was a great clue for the writers of the episode to prepare you for the swerve, considering that his behavior in purchasing the stuffed panda greatly mirrored the ‘old’ Jin that he no longer was. Also, the Year Of The Dragon (as mentioned by the toy store clerk) was around 2000 or 2001, so nerdy scholars of Asian calendars could have made that distinction, as well.

Of course, there were also PSP consoles in that toy store, which were not available in 2000 or 2001. I’ll let that blooper go, but it was worth mentioning that I was paying close attention.

Please kill this man dead, Lord.
(“Jin, did I ever tell you about the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville? I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ’em. ‘Give me five bees for a quarter,’ you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah—the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…”)

23 – This was the first episode to have a flashback and flash-forward at the same time. Let’s hope that they don’t do it again unless they have a better story to use the plot device on. I mean, flashbacks typically are shown as a direct result of the castaway thinking about them and subsequently reflecting upon them on the island. You can’t tell me that while Jin was going about his day, he was daydreaming about the time he almost didn’t get a stuffed panda to a hospital for his boss.

42 – So, Michael didn’t make it very far from the island. And where’s Walt? Next week should get to the bottom of most of that business, followed by a month-long hiatus while the remaining 5 episodes of the season are filmed. Will this season end with an honest-to-goodness rescue of the Oceanic 6, along with the reasons why their off-island fiasco continues to roll on? Yeah, probably.

Look at it this way: Season 4 is all about the Oceanic 6 getting off of the island. Season 5 will be all about why they need to get back to the island, and the final sixth season will be all about what happens when they get back. This is awesome to me, because it hints that Season 5 will be an almost-exclusively off-island drama, containing plenty of on-island mythology as to how it came to be. How cool is that going to be?

Spoilers ahoy! Duck and cover! It’s time for The Preview!

Episode 8 -

1 – The eighth and final episode of the first half of the season is titled “Meet Kevin Johnson.” It will be Michael-centric, and probably a little Waaaaaallllt-centric as well.

2 – The episode will be told in flashback mode, detailing everything that has happened to Michael from the point that he sailed away at the end of Season 2. We’ll see what sort of deal Michael made with Ben, and how far-reaching his power is. If you recall, Michael is one of the worst decision-makers that ever set foot on the island, so I’m hoping for whimsical folly on a grand scale.

3 – The press release from ABC reads: “Sayid confronts Ben’s spy on the freighter, and Ben urges daughter Alex to flee Locke’s camp in order to survive an impending attack.” It would appear to me as if the freighter will be making it to the island, and some sort of hell will break loose. ABC’s promise that “someone will die this week” never sits well with me, as this usually means that a slew of extras or secondary characters are going to bite it.

In the extremely rare chance that a main character were to die next week, I’d put money on either Jin, Claire or Michael, none of which will need to hang around much longer.

He looks nothing like me!
(“Wow Sun, she looks just like me!”)

4 – This spoiler comes to us from someone who worked as an extra on this episode: “I can confirm that it is a Michael-centric episode that takes place between the time he left up until present time on the island. I was one of the extras in NY where Michael ends up and meets Tom. On the set there was a lot of talk about how Tom could be there.

Interesting. Thanks, Random Spoiler Guy Who Will Never Be Hired For Extra Work Again!

5Pac-Man is now collecting dust in my office, as I took advantage of some free time last week to purchase an electronic drum kit. For me, this is a chance to continue drumming without getting evicted from my apartment or having to join an actual band. Furthermore, it should come in handy during extended periods of Writer’s Block, where Jameson whiskey used to fill those lonely voids. I’ve been trying to cut back on my drinking, so I figured I’d caulk the gap with a worthwhile vice that’s slightly less annoying than being an alcoholic.

That’s it for me, folks. Thanks for checking out another Lost Monday. Sound off in the comments section, send any erotic photography to communistdance@yahoo.com, purchase my book here and enjoy your week. As always, here are links to every Lost Monday so far this season. Bye.

Lost Monday – Episode 1 Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 2 Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 3 Pop Crunch Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 4 Recap.http://feeds.feedburner.com/%7Es/blogspot/TheCDP?i=http://communistdanceparty.blogspot.com/2008/02/lost-monday-eggtown.html
Lost Monday – Episode 4 Pop Crunch Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 5 Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 6 Recap. http://feeds.feedburner.com/%7Es/blogspot/TheCDP?i=http://communistdanceparty.blogspot.com/2008/03/lost-monday-other-woman.html

We Built This City On Centerfield.

What was supposed to be a relaxing and carefree dinner at Chili’s last night turned ugly when me and the Missus got into a heated argument.

What was it about? Money? Children? The correct way to divide up an Awesome Blossom? Nope.

It was about what the worst song of all-time is.

This is an argument that me and the Missus revisit on a quarterly basis. I stand firm, but she continues to push me. Insults are hurled, words are exchanged and the drive home is painfully quiet.

Determining what the worst song of all-time is needs a few parameters. It needs to be a popular song; preferably a song that was a Billboard #1 at one point or another. It can’t be a cover song, nor can it be a novelty track.

For me the choice is simple, and it’s the same choice I’ve held tight to for the last 20 years:

We Built This City‘ by Starship.

There’s no denying that it is, at best, one of the Top 3 worst songs in popular music history. I also didn’t jump on the bandwagon as an adult; I’ve hated this song since it first hit the airwaves in 1984. Everything about it is awful. Even the cover of the single makes me want to nuke the 80’s with reckless abandon.

The Missus, however, enjoys this song, and claims that it ‘rocks.’ There isn’t a shred of irony in her voice when she says it, which is a feat of method acting that would make Daniel-Day Lewis weep with envy.

Her choice for worst song ever is ‘Centerfield‘ by John Fogerty.

As a CCR fan and also the somewhat-proud owner of the ‘Centerfield’ 45 single, I took slight offense to this. There was no way that she could justify ‘Centerfield’ being worse than ‘We Built This City.’ Not even close. Although I did cringe quite a bit when I found out that ‘Centerfield’ is reportedly George W. Bush’s favorite song, despite Fogerty being such an opponent of his.

On the drive home from Chili’s, the argument intensified as she demanded I play ‘Centerfield’ for my friends in the backseat and have them judge the findings. Through a masterstroke of luck, I happened to have ‘Centerfield’ on my iPod, and sang along proudly as the admittedly awful tune filled my Mercury Sable.

The verdict? ‘Centerfield’ is a catchy song with a sing-long chorus and non-intrusive melody. While the theme of the song and the overall fruitiness is almost impossible to defend, it doesn’t hold a candle to the monument of suck and failure that is ‘We Built This City.’

Score one for the good guy.

Other songs were mentioned, such as ‘I Want To Know What Love Is,’ by Foreigner, and pretty much every other song ever recorded by Foreigner, but I have yet to hear a song as popular and as equally terrible as ‘We Built This City.’

What’s your choice for the worst song ever recorded? Remember the parameters, sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

50 Random Things (Or, ‘Let’s Talk About Me!’).

50 Random Things.
(Rocking the Coolest Drumset Ever in the early 1980’s.)

Thanks to Facebook, e-mail and generally annoying human beings, I’m constantly inundated with various surveys, questionnaires and tell-all quizzes designed to allow folks to talk about themselves at length, with little or no provokation. In my opinion, these surveys exist for lonely people to share information about themselves that nobody cared to know by actually asking them.

Look, I’m a personal blogger. I write about myself every day. If you don’t already know something about me, chances are that I don’t plan on sharing it anytime soon. At the very least, I’m saving the jucier tales for my next book and charging $19.95. I’m a storyteller, businessman and purveyor of fine barbecue sauces, not some open-book attention whore.

I completed one of these surveys last year as a way to hopefully remain out of the loop on future ones, but they just kept on a-coming. So, in conjunction with readers wanting to know every last scrap of my private and personal life, I present to you ‘50 Random Things,’ and beg of you to never send me another survey ever again. It’s lengthy, it’s all-encompassing, it’s sort of awesome. Also, people tell me that they actually like it when I do this.

Let’s do work!

Check off the random things you have done. Include explanations!

Level 1

(X) Punched a mule right in the face
– Yes, and it was totally rad.

Please don’t send hate mail, mules. You know I’m kidding.

(X) Smoked A Cigar
– When I was a Sophomore/Junior in High School, the Swing revival was all over the radio. I had a several-month phase where I drank nothing but Gin & Tonic and smoked cigars. I looked like a fool, and any photographs taken of me at the time rank among some of the most embarrassing of my life. Thanks for bringing that up; I’m a douche.

() Done Weed
– Believe what you want to believe, but I’ve never directly used marijuana or anything containing THC. I’ve been amongst enough second-hand smoke to experience some contact issues, but it was never something I cared to experience on a personal level. I have enough paranoia as is, I’m not big on breaking the law, I don’t pretend to be laid-back, nor do I wish to be. Weed just isn’t in the game plan for me. It’s tired, common and unoriginal.

That being said, I support the legalization of marijuana, although I wouldn’t use it unless I had to for pain or medicinal reasons. I’m complicated like that.

(X) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
– Although it hasn’t happened for almost a decade, I’ve indeed kissed a man, but mainly for silly, teenage-dare purposes. By that point in my life, I was already decided and secure with my sexuality, and never embarked on an experimental phase that had me smooching dudes. There’s nothing at all wrong with it; it’s just not for me. Sorry, Ben.

(X) Drank Alcohol
– Are you kidding me? I’m drunk right now! What should be mentioned is that I was a pretty good boy, and seldom drank before I turned 21 years old. I’d say I suffered three, maybe four hangovers before I became of legal age, which is pretty respectable, I would assume. Nowadays, I drink alone and in the privacy of my own home, and that’s normal, right?


Level 2

(X) Are/Been In Love
– I’ve been in love since June of 1999, when I first spoke words to the Missus. I remember it very clearly, and since then, I’ve done my best to shield her from the huge mistake she made when she let me be her husband. Had I ever been in love before that? Yeah, maybe. However, now that I’ve been in a marriage for 4 years, I can assure you that your perception of love changes greatly when you get the law and laundry involved.

“You know, there’s a million fine-looking women in the world, but they don’t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you.”

(X) Been Dumped
– I’ve been officially dumped approximately 2.5 times; once in 1995, and once in 1996 (the .5 is another story for another time). Considering the age that we all were at the time, these barely qualify in my book. At the time, however, they hurt like you’d imagine they would. I never realized that it was impossible to listen to the radio after being dumped; did you know that? Absolutely impossible. I wish they could make a pill that duplicated the feeling of being emotionally rejected, so you could take it every once in awhile to remember how good you have it.

(X) Shoplifted
– Yes, as a youth, I stole a thing or two from unnamed gas stations and mini-marts. It was wrong, I’m not proud of it, and I still think that the law will catch up with me because of it. Nothing of significant value was taken, except for my very soul. I apologize.

() Been Fired
– Nope, not yet, as of at least 11 different jobs. Someday, maybe. When I worked as a bartender (at the age of 15, mind you), I begged on a daily basis to be fired, but to no avail. What a thankless job it is to serve drinks before you can even legally drive a car.

(X) Been In A Fist Fight
– I was in three short ones. The first had me pummel some poor kid on the playground back in the day. The second one took place during a High School assembly in the bleachers, and the third one took place in the parking lot of a 24-hour diner at midnight. My record stands at 1-1, with 1 No Contest, which won’t get me any MMA contracts in the near future, I can assure you.


Level 3

(X) Snuck Out Of/Into A Parent’s House
– My relationship with my mom has always been trusting and full of compromise. If I wanted to stay out past curfew, all I had to do was call her and tell her where I was going. However, there were a couple of times when I had to navigate the house like a ballerina at 3am, as to not wake her and be subsequently murdered.

(X) Had Feelings For Someone Who Didn’t Have Them Back
– If you have never felt the deep, black, cavernous pit of unrequited love, I honestly feel bad for you. I really do. Everyone on Earth should experience that deflating, weightless, vomitous, nothing-else-matters emotion at least once; it would allow the nation to understand the feelings of others a little better. Gosh, is there anything that feels worse than that? Anything?

() Been Arrested
– Nope. I’m law-abiding. Sure. I speed constantly when I’m on the road, but doesn’t everyone? Furthermore, can you be arrested for speeding? Nah, I’m fine on this one…yep.

() Made Out With A Stranger
– We had known each other for a good two hours; does that still make her a stranger? I will defer to the judges on this one, who say that by two hours, she would be officially recognized as an ‘acquaintance.’ I’m off the hook, thankfully.

(X) Gone Out On A Blind Date
– Her name was Kate. We met on the Internet. She lived 10 minutes from me. We met at the mall. I was wearing an honest-to-God Limp Bizkit t-shirt that I purchased with my own money. She didn’t care. We took a drive and got coffee. We exchanged pleasantries and parted with a hug and quick smooch. We never spoke again. I later wrote a song about it, titled ‘Blind Date Kate.’ It was catchy and sounded a lot like The Queers. I was proud of it, but never fleshed it into something for my band to play. Lost opportunity on all counts.

Years later, a fan of my page named Kate Carillo popped up. She looked exactly like ‘Blind Date Kate,’ but it was merely coincidence. Weird.

SO FAR: 11

Level 4

(X) Had A Crush On An Older Person
– Listen. I’m 26 years old, and I still have crushes on older people. From older sisters, to teachers, to co-workers, to friends’ moms, to internet personalities that live in Los Angeles and write television shows for a living; some things will never, ever change.

Get well soon, Will. We miss you.

(X) Skipped School
– Under the guise of a school-funded Blood Drive, I ducked out of class once and only once in my life. At my school, turning 17 meant that you could write yourself excuse notes to get out of anything at any time, so it wasn’t like you were being held against your will or anything. Besides, high school wasn’t all that bad for me. The pizza was lukewarm and top-notch.

() Slept With A Co-Worker
– For as long as I’ve been in the professional job field, I’ve been in committed relationships that greatly hindered my opportunities at casual sex. Furthermore, it doesn’t take a genius to know that it’s probably a bad idea. If I were single, though, you know I’d be trying to destroy every female friendship I’ve ever made at the workplace for even the slightest chance at a hook-up. How tragically sad and expected.

(X) Slept With A Classmate
– Well, yeah. How can you not? I’d like to see the statistics on people losing their virginity to a fellow classmate. It’s gotta be like, 95%. The question should really be, “How did you not sleep with a classmate?”

(X) Seen Someone/Something Die
– Anyone who has been watching The Tonight Show with Jay Leno over the past 14 years can also check this box for themselves. Hey-oh!

SO FAR: 15

Level 5

(X) Had/Have A Crush On One Of Your MySpace/Facebook Friends
– I won’t be naming names for the sake of my comfortable and wonderful marriage, so I’ll cop out by saying that the Missus is on Facebook/MySpace, and she’s always my #1 crush. Besides, I haven’t had a textbook-definition ‘crush’ since I saw Alanis Morissette’s video for ‘Ironic’ in 1995.

() Been To Paris
– Not yet. Someday, perhaps. I’ll ride a bike around with a loaf of bread sticking out of the basket. Then I’ll star in an erotic film where I lust after a member of my family. Ahh, the French. Is there anything they can’t make sexy?

Stupid thought to add, and this is just the sick part of me that thinks about stuff like this, but I remember me and an ex-girlfriend swearing to each other in 1994 that we’d see Paris together one day. Wouldn’t it be funny if we were forced against our will to take each other up on the promise in the present-day, and had to walk around France together with our new spouses, lives and kids? That would be goddamn hilarious in its embarrassment; I should write a screenplay. Michael Cera will star.

() Been To Spain
– I don’t really care to travel to Spain. I already have Univision on my digital cable. What? It isn’t?

(X) Been On A Plane
– I’m not a hardened and weary traveler by plane, but I’ll estimate that I’ve been on anywhere from 12-15 flights in my life thus far. I recall one flight from Cleveland to Milwaukee that careened straight through a huge storm. Lightning was everywhere, the turbulance was insane and people were crying. It was intense, but it didn’t give me a phobia. It’s mainly the passengers that I hate more than the fear of being vaporized upon impact. Cars are far more deadly than airplanes; don’t be a baby.

(X) Thrown Up From Drinking
– Once, when I was 17. New Year’s Eve 2000. That’s it; seriously. Never again will I lose control of myself to that extent. It sucks, and hard. Sure, I’ll drink myself tipsy on a near-weekly occurance, but I gots to keep it classy. My shirts are too expensive now to be ‘Technicolor yawning’ all over them.

SO FAR: 18

Level 6

(X) Eaten Sushi
– Once, a year before I went vegetarian. Screw that noise. The only way I’ll ever eat sushi again is if I go to one of those uber-expensive places that lets you eat off of a naked Asian woman. Or, if I could just pay an Asian woman for the same dining services. We’re getting way off-topic, here.

God, I love Asian women.

(X) Been Snowboarding
– I used to tear up the slopes during the snowboard X-plosion of the 90’s. After awhile, I realized it was far more fun to hang out in the clubhouse and sip hot chocolate with everyones’ girlfriends. The only thing I do in the snow now is maybe sledding once a year; because it’s awesome, and because everything else done on snow is just a variation of sledding.

(X) Met Someone Because Of MySpace/Facebook
– I don’t think this has happened because of MySpace or Facebook, but I’ve met a few nice people in person through the CDP. If I had it my way, I’d meet all of you. We’ll eat breakfast for dinner; it’ll be great.

(X) Been Body Surfing
– Once, at a Mustard Plug concert in Green Bay. I don’t like being off my feet around strangers. I also hate it when they try to grab my boobs. I’m not your property! I just want to dance!

(X) Been Mosh Pitting
– Many, many times have I strapped on and threw down back in the day. It should be noted that the single biggest ass-whipping of my entire life took place at a Christian rock show at a church. When that was over, I had a black eye, swollen lip and more cuts and bruises than my previous 16 years of injuries at concerts combined. Absolutely bizarre. I quite simply got the crap beaten out of me in the name of Jesus.

SO FAR: 23

Level 7

() Been In An Abusive Relationship
– I’ve been manipulated, I’ve been the manipulator, I’ve been in spectacular fights, but nothing that I would call ‘abusive.’ I like to stay in relationships for the long haul, but I’ll jump ship if I think I’m dealing with someone who’s clinically insane. Breaking something every once in awhile isn’t the be-all to end-all, but if it becomes a weekly occurrence, we’ll need to have a talk.

(X) Taken Pain Killers
– I threw my back out in 2002 and didn’t want to go to the doctor, so the Missus gave me all the painkillers she had stockpiled from the last time she threw her back out. Got’ damn, that was a scary few days. I’ve rarely been so unable to control myself than when I was whacked out of my gourd on enough illegal prescription medication to take out Courtney Love and Marilyn Monroe combined. This also is a good reminder as to why I shy away from hard drugs. I like being in control of the situation, and I can’t do that when I can’t even control the drool pooling on my novelty t-shirt.

(X) Love(d) Someone Who You Can’t Have
– Remember all that stuff I said before about having feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? The feeling that you can’t blow the back of your head off fast enough? Yeah…that. If it wasn’t for loving people you aren’t supposed to love, there would be no such thing as good music. Quote me.

“If it wasn’t for loving people you aren’t supposed to love, there would be no such thing as good music.”

(X) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
– Yeah, and it was totally gay. I’ll never do it again.

(X) Made A Snow Angel
– Yup, gay. Damn it; I made a promise that I was going to stop saying ‘gay’ in a negative tone. That’s the last time.

SO FAR: 27

Level 8

(X) Been Tickled
– I’m embarrassingly ticklish; to the point where I don’t even like telling it to people. I don’t like being touched at all, and I’ll just get angry and uncomfortable with you if you attempt to tickle me. Also, I might poop a little or throw up, so please don’t. Whatever the outcome, something’s going to be coming out of me.

(X) Been Robbed/Vandalized
– I think everyone has had something stolen from them at some point in their life. For me, the largest amount ever taken from me in one sitting was a student loan that I was forced into putting misleading information on. Due to that slight error in judgment, I’ll be paying that thing off for the next 20 years, with a total price tag in the 6-figure column.

If you steal a CD from me, I will destroy you. Mark my words.

(X) Robbed Someone
– When I was in the 8th Grade, I stole a friend’s girlfriend. Harsh, I know. Five years later, I did the same exact thing.

(X) Been Misunderstood
– I won’t even dignify this with a response. If you’ve never been misunderstood, then you’re a deaf, dumb mute with no limbs who is so seriously handicapped that nobody even bothers to acknowledge you for any reason.

(X) Pet A Deer
– Yes. I’ve pet many deer. Maybe hundreds. I’ve shot none.

SO FAR: 32

Level 9

(X) Been Suspended From School
– When I was a Junior, I believe, I was suspended for logging into an Industrial Arts class computer under someone else’s’ name in order to copy their test answers. I was sent home that day, but in a move that I wouldn’t have seen coming from a mile away, my dad of all people showed up for next day’s conference and talked my way out of further disciplinary action. You should have seen him; he was like F. Lee Bailey in the Principal’s office. It was amazing.

(X) Been Asked To Leave School
– In my school, you were not allowed to wear shorts until a specific date. This was either done to keep irresponsible kids from freezing to death, or merely to further shove the District’s manhood down the throats of the student body. Whatever the case, I wasn’t playing along.

When I was told that I wasn’t allowed to wear shorts, they insisted that I wear a pair of sweatpants from the lost-and-found bin; a true fate worse than death for a Middle Schooler. I walked.

(X) Been In A Car/Motorcycle Accident
– Nothing serious, but I’ve been in about 2 fender-benders and 1 accident that cause major damage to the vehicle. No personal injuries, unless you count the time I hit that deer and pooped my pants.

(X) Had Someone Else Wear Your Clothes To School
– The girl I was seeing for some of my Senior year liked to wear my shirts, and who was I to stop her? Furthermore, it portrayed us as a couple that slept together, and I enjoyed that greatly, even if it was a hollow lie.

(X) Talked On The Phone For More Than 8 Hours
– This might be the least believable fact on here, actually. Back in the day, I was capable of talking on the phone for over eight hours on many occasions. 6pm-2am was a common occurrence, sometimes 2-3 nights a week. Eventually, the Internet arrived and put an end to that nonsense.

SO FAR: 37
Level 10

(X) Stayed Up All Night
– My personal record is 46 hours. I got up at a Washington D.C. hotel at 6am, flew home, stayed up all night with friends, spent the next day at a carnival and didn’t fall asleep until 4am the next day. I’ll break that record someday, and broadcast the entire marathon in my Live Video Chat.

(X) Got A Concussion
– Fat friend. Aluminum baseball bat. No peripheral vision. One hospital visit and a week’s worth of two hours of sleep a night. A concussion is pretty much brain damage on a base level, and it’s a terribly sickening and scary feeling to know that you’re now slightly closer to retardation than you were a day ago.

(X) Slept Naked
-Yeah, a few times, but I absolutely hate it. It’s unclean; regardless of how many times you wash your sheets and shower. Furthermore, one wrong adjustment in the middle of the night can lead to serious repercussions in the morning. I’m speaking mainly to the guys out there.

(X) Been Told You’re Hot By A Complete Stranger
– I’ll tell you, it certainly doesn’t happen a lot (it happens to the Missus on a weekly basis), but yes, I has happened to me a time or two. They were all probably blind or on the verge of being institutionalized, however. More than likely, I was being made fun on.

(X) Had Someone Moon/Flash You
– I don’t know what it is about me, but I’m a magnet for stuff like this. In school, I was probably flashed more times than Joe Francis, minus the fact that he’s a complete freaking greaseball.

The absolute funniest time was when I was flashed by a friend at a record store. I was outside, and she was inside, facing me from the store window. She was wearing a tube top, and when she tried to quickly re-adjust herself, the tube top pretty much fell down to her knees, attracting the unwanted attention of nearly everyone walking down the sidewalk. That’s what you get for being slutty, I suppose. You can’t pick and choose your attention when breasts are involved.

You’ve done 42 out of 50 random things!

Hey, alright! Awesome. Good for me.

Let’s get random in the comments section! Sound off with questions, comments, concerns and Random Things of your own. Thanks; enjoy your day.

Lost Monday – "The Other Woman."

The Other Woman.
Season 4 – Episode 6: “The Other Woman.”

Another Lost Monday us upon us. We have much to discuss; it’s good to be back.

For obsessive CDP readers, you’ll know that the last week or two has been an…off one for yours truly. External circumstances got the best of me, took a carnival-style Clown Hammer to my weenal area and left me for dead. I fought through that crap, however, and I’m ready to lay out my creative groundwork for the remainder of the year. It starts today; you picked a good time to show up.

Wow, just throw a headset my way and I’d be Tony Robbins.

I needed a re-birth this weekend to shake the frustrations of Winter off of me, so I did the next-best thing by drinking myself into oblivion and starting from scratch. Sometimes, all you need to make a fresh start is a bottle of Jameson. It’s cheaper than therapy, although it’s probably not a great message to be sending out to the kids. My head hurts, I received a noise complaint from the neighbors and I haven’t showered in three days, but I feel better than I have since Thanksgiving.

(“Damn, it feels good to be an evil bastard.”)

So, in short, I’m back. I’m refocused, re-energized and healthy. I’m sitting in my spotless office, listening to a Nat King Cole collaboration album with George Shearing, taking care of myself and preparing to launch into this week’s Lost Monday. My Pac-Man playing has decreased during my mental hiatus, but my current high score is 35,080. I’ll get better.

Bow To The King.
(Thanks to my late Great Grandmother for all the wonderful music.)

Sometimes, I don’t think people know what they want. After the bizarre and polarizing Desmond episode we throttled through two weeks ago, a lot of folks were done with Lost. It had jumped the shark. It was too baffling. They didn’t understand it. OMG, WTF?

However, after the slower-paced and far more understandable episode we got last week, still people wanted to complain. It didn’t answer any questions. It hung around the house. Come on! What do you want? If there’s one thing you should know by now concerning Lost, it’s that they like to set the table in an unassuming fashion before all hell breaks loose. And trust me, with the last two episodes before the month-long break, all hell will break loose.

Shining like a beefy, smoke-flavored beacon in the night sky, it’s the Thick & Meaty!

Thick And Meaty!


At the barracks, we see Juliet during her first week on the island, in a therapy session with Harper. Harper looks like the type of person that might stab your pets if you try to break up with her. Tom busts in and leads Juliet to Ben, who unveils Juliet’s home to her. When Juliet asks why she should get such a nice place when she’ll only be staying for six months, Ben laughs nervously and breaks into a full sprint for the jungle. He isn’t seen for the rest of the episode.

Months later, Juliet is treating Goodwin for a burn when it’s discovered that Goodwin is Harper’s husband. That does stop him and Juliet from sleeping together, though. He just can’t resist women that look like they’re constantly thinking of ways to screw him over. Welcome to my world, Dude Who’s About To Be Impaled.

(“Hey Juliet, do you know how to treat an impaling?”)

Ben finds out about this romantic tryst and becomes jealous, as he has a strong crush on Juliet. We find this out when he passes her a ‘Check Yes Or No‘ letter during 4th Period Algebra One. She checks ‘Maybe,’ only furthering the problem. You can really scar a kid for life by leading them on like that, Juliet.

Harper also finds out about the affair, and she’s more concerned with how Ben is going to take the news. Harper tells Juliet that ‘she looks just like her,’ just another of the hundreds of unnamed folks that I’m expecting to show up shortly before the series is over to make everything right in the world again. As a side note, do we really need another woman on the island that looks like another woman on the island? I’m starting to lose track of the stupid grins and dirty blonde hair.


(The latex skin hides the titanium skeleton pretty well.)

Juliet and Goodwin are sharing a date on the beach, with Goodwin talking about taking their relationship public. Juliet doesn’t think this is a good idea, to which Goodwin asks why.

Minutes later, Goodwin is impaled on a pole. That‘s why, bitch.

As we find out, when Flight 815 crashed, Ben pretty much sent Goodwin on a suicide mission to get him away from Juliet. Never underestimate the lengths a skinny, weird guy will go to end up with the woman he digs. We also find out that the ‘list’ given to Ben was handed down to him by someone else, and he’s not questioning why he’s keeping the people that were on it. Sounds like Ben works for the state.

(“Hello, I was wondering if I could be slightly more relevant?”)

In the final flashback, Ben leads Juliet to Goodwin’s rotting husk, where he tells her that he knew about the affair. When Juliet freaks out, Ben reminds her that the reason she’s still on the island is because “you’re mine.” He then awkwardly attempts to climb the gentle slope back to the Barracks while Juliet is left to grieve with Goodwin. Classy.

It’s becoming obvious at this point that Ben isn’t much more than a spoiled, squirrelly brat that resorts to murder, manipulation and genocide when things don’t go his way. For the most part, however, he’s mainly fueled by love and emotional neglect. By this regard, he’s more of a tragic character than anything. Maybe if Daddy would have hugged him more, we could have prevented all of this. Nonetheless, it raises today’s Question Of The Week.

Question Of The Week.

“How Emo Is Benjamin Linus?”

Level 1 – My Chemical Romance/Jimmy Eat World.
Level 2 – The Get-Up Kids/The Promise Ring.
Level 3 – At The Drive-In/Fugazi.
Level 4 – Sunny Day Real Estate/The Cure.
Level 5 – Chris Crocker.

Of course, the correct answer is Level 6 – Weezer’s Pinkerton. Thanks for playing!


(Battered women. Sounds delicious, but that doesn’t make it right.)

Daniel and Charlotte head off in search of the Tempest Station in private, as Jack and Juliet take off after them. In the jungle, Juliet sees Harper, who tells her than Ben wants her to kill Charlotte and Daniel when she finds them. Harper tells Juliet that he’s still giving orders despite being held prisoner, and is “right where he wants to be.” Typical nerd; that guy will find a basement to dwell in anywhere. All he needs is a bag of Doritos and a 12-sided die, and his weekend is booked solid.

Daniel and Charlotte are moseying towards the Tempest when Kate stumbles upon them and gets suspicious of their actions. She gets pistol-whipped for her actions, which I quite enjoyed. Kate should get knocked out every week, if you ask me.

Ben continues to manipulate Locke in the barracks. In exchange for a little bit of freedom, he offers to show Locke some information that he wants. In what I felt was a wasted opportunity, Locke simply asks him where he keeps the French Dressing. That guy just doesn’t get it.

(“I can’t believe I’m in Speed Racer. I’ll do anything for cash.”)

Jack and Juliet find Kate, who informs them that Charlotte and Daniel had gas masks on them. Fearing that they are about to eradicate the entire island, they pick up the pace to the Tempest. As a side note, ‘The Tempest’ is also the name of a carnival ride I once rode as a child at a carnival. I threw up about eight Slim Jims and a pound of cotton candy. Thanks for reminding me of that, Lost.

Back at the Barracks, Ben shows Locke a piece of film starring Charles Widmore. He is the one who’s responsible for the freighter and has been trying to find the island. Ben says that he doesn’t know how Charles knows about the island, but that he probably wants to exploit it. He gives Locke all of the information he has collected on Widmore, yet Locke demands that he give him the identity of his spy on the freighter. Ben tells him, but we are left to wonder who it is.


Instincts sure
Lingering question.

(Charles Widmore: Kicking ass and raising hot daughters since 1956.)

Back at the Tempest, Juliet corners Daniel while he’s frantically typing equations into the blaring computer. He claims that he’s trying to make the poisonous gas inert, but Charlotte shows up and a catfight ensues. Charlotte backs up Daniel’s story, saying that they are trying to prevent Ben from using the gas to kill everyone on the island. Daniel, true to form, stops the explosion seconds before time runs out. Way to go, jerk!

In the aftermath, Juliet and Jack have a moment where she tells him that Ben will stop at nothing to win this battle and keep her for his own. Jack uses this opportunity to introduce Juliet to his tongue. Nom nom nom.

Back at the Barracks, Ben is a free man, as Hurley and Sawyer look on in shock, horseshoes in hand. Smash-cut, episode over.

I quite enjoyed this episode. It sets the stage for two more thrilling episodes before the 4-5 week break. What you need to remember is that Season 4 is all about how they come to leave the island, Season 5 is all about what happens after they leave, and Season 6 is all about why they need to go back. By that way of thinking, you may be happier with the pacing and amount of questions being answered.

Dinah '62!
(Good hangover music.)

The second half of Lost Monday is being brought to you by Dinah ’62 by Dinah Washington. Let’s Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 – At the very beginning of the episode, you can see that one of Harper’s therapy diplomas was from the Hanso Foundation. It’s good to see that they hire their own; that creates brand loyalty and whatnot. Furthermore, it supports my current theory that Harper is an alien.

8 – When mentioned that Ben has already used poisonous gas to kill everyone on the island, this either refers to a situation we’re not yet familiar with, or the time when he gassed everyone in DHARMA back in the day. It would also explain why people like Desmond and Kelvin felt they needed to wear Hazmat suits every time they ventured outside of the Hatch. Same deal for the ‘seeekness‘ that Rousseau likes to blather about so much.

15 – So, how did Ben know that Charlotte and Daniel were heading to the Tempest? Sure, he could have gotten this information from his freighter spy, but how is he keeping in touch with him? Clearly, Locke wasn’t doing a very good job of keeping tabs on Ben. It’s just the same that he released him in exchange for some information; he sucks at keeping prisoners. I hope he pulled that grenade out of Miles’ mouth at some point.


16 – For quite some time now, they have been dropping hints that Charles Widmore has an interest in finding this island. Interesting still is the fact that his daughter was trying to find it for seemingly different reasons. Crazier still is that during our flash-forward to a crazy Jack (the farthest we’ve flashed forward so far), the location of the island remains a secret to the general public, including Jack himself.

No joke there, just interesting.


(This is a rare and complicated medical procedure called ‘The First Base.’)

23 – Elizabeth Mitchell said that “it was emotionally draining shooting this episode” because she was intimidated by Matthew Fox’s acting skills. Matthew Fox? Really? She later found out that it wasn’t Matthew Fox she was impressed by, but a tree that she was merely leaning against. People are always mistaking that stupid tree for Matthew.

42 – Did Ben tell Locke who his man on the boat was? Yes. Will we find out next week? Yes. Will I tell you in The Preview? Yes. Do we know who this person is? Yes. Does my jaw sometimes click when I get up in the morning? Yes.

Close your eyes! Spoilers Ahoy! Wear something sexy! It’s The Preview!


1 – Episode 7 will be titled ‘Ji-Yeon,’ and it is Jin and Sun-centric. The flash-device that they use this week will once again reinvent the format they’ve been tinkering with. Expect what the cast of the show say is the ‘most shocking episode of the season.’ Jiyeon is also the name of Jin & Sun’s baby, so that should shed some light on the outcome of this episode for you.

2 – The official press release from ABC reads: “Juliet is forced to reveal some startling news to Jin when Sun threatens to move to Locke’s camp. Meanwhile, Sayid and Desmond begin to get an idea of the freighter crew’s mission when they meet the ship’s Captain.” Oh, and they traveled through time and everything you think you know is a lie. Perfect.

3 – By the end of this episode, the Oceanic 6 will be revealed. Expect a major death this week, of an original Flight 815 cast member. Serious stuff, folks. Also, expect to see it presented in a way that no other Lost death has been filmed.

(Oh, shake it off, Goodwin! Put some Robitussin on it.)

4 – Ben’s man on the boat is Michael. That should be the huge cliffhanger leading us into the final episode of the first half of the season. Walt will show up eventually, too. For those who aren’t too keen on the concept of time travel and parallel universe-stuff, you may want to buckle in for the rest of the season.

5 – This is a huge episode. Nothing more needs to be said here.

Well, there you have it, another Lost Monday in the books. Thanks for reading, sound off in the comments section and send all erotic photography to communistdance@yahoo.com. As always, here are links to every Lost Monday so far this season. Enjoy your day.

Lost Monday – Episode 1 Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 2 Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 3 Pop Crunch Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 4 Recap.http://feeds.feedburner.com/%7Es/blogspot/TheCDP?i=http://communistdanceparty.blogspot.com/2008/02/lost-monday-eggtown.html
Lost Monday – Episode 4 Pop Crunch Recap.
Lost Monday – Episode 5 Recap.

"Do You Know Who You Are?"

Do You Know Who You Are?

So, here it is. The big secret. The reason that I’ve been downtrodden, ill, douchebaggy and unreasonable all week. I’m letting it spill because there’s really nothing left to lose.

I interviewed for a major promotional position at my office on Tuesday.

This position has been weighing heavily on me for a couple of weeks now, turning me into an unfocused, emotional zombie around the house and causing the CDP to slightly dip in quality (either that, or I’ve fallen in love; the symptoms are about the same). What better way to shake off the funk than to completely air out my problems through the very public forum I’ve created for the sole purpose of leaving my actual problems behind?

The advancement between what I do now for a living and what I will potentially be doing for a living is massive. So massive, in fact, that…well, let’s just get right into it, shall we?

What I do for 40 hours a week now is a job. I do what I need to do, and when I get home I shake it off and live the life I want to live. The money is fair, the work is easy enough and I enjoy coming to the office in the morning. Should I get this promotion, however, it would now be a career. Overtime. Business trips. Round-the-clock suits and ties. Handshakes and toothy grins. You know, that kind of person. The kind of person that has fought his or her entire life to get to that deserving position of power, and are truly content in being remembered after death as a businessman and professional. I respect that; I really do.

I, on the other hand, have been pulled into this void through forces beyond my control. On my first day with the agency in 2004, I spent most of the day sweeping out a supply closet while wearing the nicest suit I owned at the time. From there, I answered phones, opened mail, worked the Hearing Impaired switchboard and was essentially given every job that nobody wanted to do. I was so low on the totem pole that most employees thought I was a Summer intern. When I came back to the agency after getting married, most people had forgotten who I was.

I didn’t mind it. In fact, there are days where I wish I was still sweeping that closet. Days when I wish I had less responsibility, and could gracefully back out of adulthood and go back to my grandmother’s basement and sleep until 2pm.

But I worked hard, made friends and got noticed. I was promoted two times in the next two years, dusted myself off and was thrown into an office. I was given more work, answered to less people and made more money. Through it all, though, I maintained the attitude I walked in with. ‘Pay the bills and go home.’ ‘This isn’t really my job,’ I naively thought, ‘this is just what I do so I can write in my spare time.’ However, with the upcoming decision being made about the fate of my employment, this is far more than a change in scenery and duties. This is a life change that will effect everything.

I’m constantly reminded that if I get this job, it’ll all be ours. The finished basement, the tropical vacations, the retirement security, the American Dream; all of that stupid, pointless crap that I seem to care so damn much about. Had I just been content to function as a meager, struggling author for the remainder of my 20’s, I wouldn’t care less about that sort of hedonistic rubbish.

Truth is, however, that I’m not much for struggling, and no decent, married man would turn down the opportunity to make things better for his family, regardless of if that means sacrificing a little bit of his aspirations. In fact, I would theorize that this decision eventually dawns on every responsible adult at some point in their lives. When is the right time, if any, to set the dream aside? Everyone knows how much I oppose selling my blog out, so it would make sense to think that I’d have a moral issue with selling my life out. You’d be right, too. I’ve been aching like you wouldn’t believe the past few days, completely unsure of everything for the first time in many years. I’m a smart guy, why is this so hard for me to understand?

The pros are as follows. This job will give me the financial security I need to advance fully into the world of successful adulthood that I was quite certain would never happen to me. We can buy the nice house, keep two nice cars in the garage, amass a hefty nest egg and lay to rest any issues we might have had in the past when it came to extra cash. Dare I say it, we may even be able to start a family. For a guy like me, that grew up kind of poor and barely graduated from High School, this is far more than I need or deserve to be happy on a superficial level. I’m extremely conservative when it comes to preparing for the future, and this position represents the harmony and peace that I’ve never felt when I fall asleep at night (albeit boring and lacking individual character).

Which brings us to the cons. First off, this job is hard, okay? As someone who has defied the odds and enjoyed almost every day of work for the last four years, taking a step into oncoming traffic feels a little dangerous, illogical and potentially lethal. What if I hate it? What if I can’t hack it? What if I come home every day like a miserable 1950’s dad, hassling his wife for dinner and pouring glass after glass of straight Brandy, counting down the seconds until I have to throw the tie back on and do it all over again? I’d hate myself, and I’d hate that I let my employment negatively effect my life at home, which is something I take pride in never doing. I can’t turn into that type of person; my 1987 persona would travel forward in time to stab me while I slept, due to me turning my back on all the things that I was put on this planet to accomplish.

Furthermore, and arguably the most important on a personal level, is that fact that I will no longer have the time, resources and capabilities to continue writing and pursuing creative ventures like I do right now. The CDP will cease to exist as you know it. The creation and eventual publication of my second book will have to be relegated to ‘hobby’ status. In essence, I will need to put my ‘real’ job at the top of my priorities list, which is something I have honestly never done. I’d still write to make myself happy, but it would go without saying that most of the dream would be over. The stressors of work would have no choice but to come home with me, effectively draining me of whatever creative juices were left for the written word.

I have yet to determine what this is a clash of. Is it a clash between childhood and adulthood? Responsibility and irresponsibility? Security and pursuing your true path? Logic and heart? It’s probably a combination of everything, and it’s taking a far greater toll on me than I thought it would. If I get the job, this is the decision I’m forced to make. If I don’t get the job, nothing changes and I’m left to wonder what could have been. I don’t know what’s worse.

It disgusts me that I let things like this have such emotional control over me. I think we all have this feeling from time to time, though. What was just a week ago supposed to be a nonchalant, ‘we’ll see what happens’ interview, has now turned into something that I have absolutely no set opinion on, and will leave me with an equal amount of happiness and regret no matter what.

As I poured over my resume, cover letter and references before the interview, I listened to the Lifetime classic from 1996, ‘Jersey’s Best Dancers,’ on my iPod. I couldn’t help but to laugh at the irony of enjoying nostalgic, hardcore emo-punk from my teenage years, while prepping myself for my biggest foray into professional adulthood yet, sporting a tie and tucked-in $70 shirt. The blue-haired kid that bought this album at the age of 18 would be so embarrassed to see the 26 year old whore he turned out to be.

Then again, the 26 year old is pretty embarrassed of the 18 year old, too. He didn’t understand what it meant to have a wife, constant monthly bills and increasing pressures from every corner of his waking day. He didn’t know what it meant to be a responsible husband, corporate professional and a son that his mom could be proud of. How dare he step in and criticize something that he has no business attempting to understand? How dare he hold me back?

In a perfect world, I’d be a successful author. However, I’m intelligent and jaded enough to understand that I shouldn’t be holding my breath. I should take what I can get. I should grasp that brass ring, accept the security and responsibility I’ve worked so hard for, and screw those hopes and dreams that eventually get us all nowhere. I can’t do it, though.

I just can’t do it.