Yeah, I’m Only Three Inches…From The Ground!

Bang Me.

I typically don’t like to rant and complain about things that don’t amount to an entertaining punchline, but I just can’t resist sharing my recent home buying experiences with you. I’m flabbergasted, terrified and have no better recourse than to laugh and hold on tight. Pay attention, however, because you are probably indirectly responsible for my optimism.

Here’s how much it’s costing me and the Missus to move into our new house.

1. Down payment for mortgage – $8600.
2. Earnest money – $400.
3. Home inspection fee – $250.
4. Home buyer clause buy-out fee – $965.
5. Stray closing costs – $100.
6. Moving fees – $500.

Bear in mind that this is all expected to be paid by the end of April, a scant 29 days from now.
It also doesn’t include condo fees, additional taxes, repairs and anything that has anything to do with the actual settling into our new home. Nope, this is all paid in advance for the privilege of owning a home. For those keeping score, that’s almost $11,000 out-of-pocket before we even get to see what we’ll need to put into the home itself.

Wow. Damn. I wasn’t exactly prepared for that.

If you think that award-winning blogger and author, Ryan J. Zeinert, is the type of person that would have eleven grand just laying around in the savings account for this sort of occasion, I appreciate your high regard of me. You’d be wrong, though. In fact, on a bet, I think I’d be hard-pressed to find anyone that I knew who had that sort of money ready to go. How in the hell do people afford homes? Just getting into this house is going to bankrupt me.

I was getting worried, certain that there was no way that I could scrap this kind of cash together in such a short time. Even if I drained every account I had, eleven thousand dollars is a lot of money, and I just didn’t think I was in a position to make it work. I started to think that maybe we just weren’t ready to make the jump into home ownership. The month-to-month was more than tolerable, but this initial cash purge was a whole lot for one young couple to muster so quickly.

After a lengthy discussion, marathon number crunching and check writing, it was determined that we were still over two thousand dollars short in covering our overhead expenses. The Missus turned to me, looked a little dejected and said, ‘what are we going to do?

But just then, I remembered something. Something beautiful. Something wonderful. The book!

Goddamn it, I wrote a book last year! A good one, too! Not only that, but I’ve been putting every cent of the profits into a savings account that I tried my hardest to forget about every day. For every freelance writing gig or sold book, I’d throw the checks and cash into the savings account and vanish the thought from my mind. Spending money earned through writing seemed wrong to me, and I figured there would come a day when I would feel deserving enough to enjoy it.

Well guess what, bitches? Today is that day. Admittedly, it didn’t take very long.

So, to a large amount of folks out there that purchased a copy of 65 Poor Life Decisions and wondered how I spent your heard-earned cash, I want to let you know that you are partially responsible for me and my wife purchasing our first home, and I cannot thank you enough.

How cool is that?

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

28 thoughts on “Yeah, I’m Only Three Inches…From The Ground!

  1. I assume this means we’re all getting keys to the house then?Maybe some input before you choose paint colors? My hair played an April Fool’s joke one me today, and I couldn’t help but take a picture and post it. I swear, that is <>not<> PhotoShopped in any way.


  2. <>BRUCE<> – I never ask anyone to help with the move, so this is the next-best thing. A lot easier, too.<>JT<> – Damn, your hair has an old-timey moustache! That’s incredible.


  3. Aww, that’s pretty swell, Ryan. I’m glad it worked out like that, and happy to have helped in some small way.Loves me some April Fools jokes. Google’s always good for a well-thought out chuckle: < HREF="" REL="nofollow">see “Virgle” for reference<>.


  4. <>WILL<> – A key will be in the mail shortly. Bring your wife so there will be an even number of people for <>Mario Party<>.<>MAUS<> – Look at it this way. Had you not bought my book, I’d probably be donating plasma and selling meth right now.Hell, I should probably do that anyway. Easy money.


  5. <>JT<> – That must have been the worst Christmas ever.<>SLACK<> – Thanks! Yeah, it’s not a goldmine as far as housing costs are concerned, but damn if I thought I could afford it.<>BLU<> – You know what? I don’t even want to know what that <>means<>.


  6. <>We’re not paying an PMI 🙂<>Oh, there’s definately dead hookers in the walls. Be careful. You don’t want dead hooker poltergiests hanging around… stealing the spare change of the dresser… cheesing off your cats.


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