Season 4 begins
Where Season 3 had left off;
Welcome to the CDP’s Lost Season 4 Preview. We have much to discuss.
You know, sometimes it seems like the cast, crew and production staff of Lost are genuinely cursed. They’ve fought through timeslot changes, accusations of not knowing where the storyline was going, on again-off again episodes and repeats, and now a writers strike that will cut Season 4 in half. They really should have just listened to the natives; don’t take Hawaiian lava rocks back to the mainland with you! It’s bad luck!
Hardcore fans, however, tough through all that crap. We know that Season 4 is a new beginning for Lost. Season 1 was as groundbreaking as television gets. Season 2 was so overloaded with action and mythology that I couldn’t believe it was on mainstream national television. Season 3 faltered slightly, only because the writers needed to tread water as they worked out a scheduled end date for the series (all was forgiven after the finale). Now that they know exactly how many more episodes they can produce, new life springs forth, and the story will be told exactly as it was planned.
(“So it’s settled. Charlie doesn’t deserve a funeral. Who wants dinner?”)
Speaking of which, where are all the Heroes crybabies now? When Heroes burst onto the scene, millions jumped ship, claiming that Lost had abandoned its direction and was being written with as much foresight as a David Lynch screenplay. Heroes knew what was up. Heroes was going to save the day. Heroes could lift a house. Heroes was Superman.
As it turned out, Lost had everything all planned out, and for six amazing seasons at that. It was Heroes that crashed and burned no more than two episodes into their second season. Sad, really.
So suck it, Heroes. Suck it hard, and consider yourself no longer welcome to the inner Lost Fan Circle. You will no longer receive invitations to my cocktail parties and ice cream socials.
Based on early reviews, interaction and spoilers, Season 4 of Lost looks to be absolutely insane. More action, more corpses, more mythology, more flashbacks/flash-forwards and more characters to monopolize all of your free time. The most intelligent, engaging, deep and brilliant television drama in recent history is back, bitches, and y’all betta’ recognize.
(“THAT’S for telling everyone that I had a small wiener!”)
What you need to know, first and foremost, is the Season 4 schedule. Eight of the sixteen Season 4 episodes have been shot and will be aired back-to-back until late March. The second half of the season will be in limbo until the strike is resolved and everyone gets back to work. The new timeslot is Thursdays at 8pm Central, which means that American Idol won’t be around to boot their viewership square in the knob and run off with their insulin money. Pretty sad, considering that American Idol is officially more scripted than Lost is.
Now pay attention, or you’ll miss everything. I will not repeat myself.
1. There will be an ‘enhanced’ re-airing of the two-hour Season 3 finale (“Through The Looking Glass“) tonight at 8pm Central, loaded with Pop-Up Video-esque bits of trivia and whatnot to get you all soggy for tomorrow night’s premiere. Sounds great, and we all could really use a refresher.
2. Thursday night’s festivities will kick off with “Lost: Past, Present & Future” at 7pm Central. It’s an hour-long recap of the essentials leading up to the premiere. Finally, “The Beginning Of The End” airs at 8pm Central, blowing minds and causing nosebleeds from coast to coast.
There, that should take care of the technical side of things. Now, let me grip your clammy hand and lead you into Season 4.
(Hurley risks his life to salvage a ‘Cool Ranch’ Dorito he accidentally dropped into the ocean.)
There are three big stories going into Season 4 that will be addressed in the upcoming eight episodes. They are:
1. The fact that a freighter is coming to the island for a potential rescue, or potential slaughter, depending on what side of the argument you’re on (please be slaughter, come onnnn slaughter…).
2. The addition of flash-forwards to the storytelling device, proving that the show doesn’t end just because we know that a few people are about to get off of the island. In fact, judging by the way the Season 3 finale ended, Jack might actually be on his way back to the island. Presumably to hide from all the Speed Racer backlash he’s about to receive.
3. Charlie’s death and Jack’s amazing flash-forward beard; I can’t tell which plotline is more important right now. On one hand, you have the death of a major character. On the other hand, you have a beard.
(I’ve seen the future, and it’s a world without razors.)
That being said, here is a SPOILER AND JOKE-FILLED preview of the first eight episodes of Season 4. You’ve been warned.
Episode 1 – “The Beginning Of The End.”
1. This episode is Hurley-centric and will feature flash-forwards of more than one character. Of course, I count Hurley as two separate characters (that’s Hurley Fat Joke #2, for those keeping score at home).
2. In island time, the episode will focus on the Losties dividing into two camps; those who think the rescue boat is just that, and those who are pretty sure they’re about to get chopped up with an electric mixer of some sort.
3. Written by Cuse and Lindleof, this episode will get Season 4 off to an awesome and confusing start. Anyone who calls me between the hours of 8 and 9pm will be removed from the address book and annual ‘Zeinert Family Newsletter.’
Episode 2 – “Confirmed Dead.”
1. This episode will contain flashbacks from those who have arrived on the ‘rescue’ freighter. Wow, I hope the satellite phone gets its own flashback. It’s like an iPhone if it were invented in 1994.
2. As you can imagine, this will shed a lot of light on what exactly the ‘boaties’ want with the island. My theory? Free Hi-Def cable and the freshest kiwi around.
3. If my calculations are correct, this episode will represent December 25, 2004 on the island. Merry Christmas, losers! We only have a few more months of President Bush on the mainland; it just hasn’t been your year, has it?
Episode 3 – “The Economist.”
1. This episode will be Sayid-centric and feature flash-forwards of his life post-island. Yeah, I guess even Sayid’s going to make it out alive the first time through. In fact, I could see a pretty decent Sayid spin-off show once Lost has run its course. He’ll play a vigilante chef in 1980’s USSR.
2. ABC’s official press release reads as follows: “Locke’s hostage may be the key to getting off the island, so Sayid and Kate go in search of their fellow castaway in an attempt to negotiate a peaceful deal.” Damn, Locke has a hostage? Expect an explosion. Explosions follow that guy around so much that I think he’s actually a professional wrestler.
3. In this episode, there will be more spying on the Boaties and a few spats as to the best way of finding out their main objectives. What is this, a middle school dance? Just ask them already!
Episode 4 – “Eggtown.”
1. This is a Kate-centric episode that will feature flash-forwards. The scoop from TV Guide
reads: “When Kate eventually gets the flash-forward treatment, expect the episode to address how the freckled fugitive was free for that teary reunion with Jack. How is it she’s not in jail? Did she already serve her time? Was she pardoned when she got back? Another burning Kate question: Who is the “he” referred to by one-time commitment-phobe Kate when she implied to Jack that someone was waiting for her at home?
Thanks for the info, TV Guide; both your magazine and television station are terrible and lacking substance.
2. Expect to see Jack show up in her flash-forwards, but not the same disheveled Jack we saw in the Season 3 finale. The ending for this episode is going to be incredible, from what I can tell. This is only a theory, but I expect Jack and Kate to be in some sort of romantic relationship for a short period following their rescue from the island.
Or not. What am I, Kreskin?
3. The bulk of the flash-forwards will center around Kate’s murder trial. Expect a cameo appearance from the charred husk of her step-father, as he takes the witness stand in the breathtaking climax.
(Here we see the only Lost cast members that still have a driver’s license.)
Episode 5 – “The Constant.“
1. This episode appears to be Desmond-centric, but there’s no verification on the backstory. Even if there was verification, we all know that Desmond-centric episodes are about as coherent as a fever dream, so why bother?
2. The shooting script of this episode calls for a character that’s narcoleptic. Wait, what?
3. I wonder if they’ll ever address why Desmond can see the very immediate future. I didn’t really like that aspect of last season’s storyline, mainly because it was ridiculous, even for a show like this. Supernatural monster made of smoke that can murder people and read their thoughts? Sure, no problem! A guy that’s sort of clairvoyant? Balderdash! Piff-poff!
Episode 6 – “The Other Woman.”
1. This episode will be Juliet-centric and show more flashbacks of her time on the island. Hopefully wearing something besides a filthy tank top.
2. The word around the campfire is that the relationship between Jack and Juliet will get all icky this week. Meh, I’ll allow it. Whatever keeps Claire and her alien baby off-camera.
3. Expect to see Goodwin, Ethan and Tom (‘Zeke‘) pop up in Juliet’s flashbacks. Good, I was beginning to miss Ethan, what with him being a googly-eyed raving lunatic and all.
Episode 7 – “Ji Yeon.”
1. This episode is Sun & Jin-centric (really?), and appears to be told via the flash-forward. Expect to see most of Sun’s scenes filmed in my basement, where I currently have her hog tied.
2. Ji Yeon is the name of their baby, which will probably make an appearance at some point. In fact, Ji Yeon gets her own flashback at some point, which consists of mostly darkness and the sound of fluids rushing around her.
3. Is it just me, or is anyone else slightly bummed out that most of the cast is going to get off the island unharmed? Not that I want the bulk of the main cast to be offed or anything, but maybe the nerds were right that this kills a bit of the suspense. Food for thought; more poop jokes are on the way, though.
Episode 8 – (Title Unknown As Of 01/30/08.)
1. All you need to know about this gem is that it’s Michael-centric, and will get us up-to-date on what happened to him when he double-crossed everybody and got off the island with Walt. Wow. I need a change of pantaloons.
Well, there you be. Not only are you ready to roll for Season 4, but you have the scoop on the entire first half of the season. Send all thank yous and handwritten love notes to:
PO Box 865
Sun Prairie, WI 53590
Thanks for reading; sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.
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