Please Don’t Shake The Lava Lamp. Thanks.

We have a paper Christmas tree this year.
(Paper Christmas trees are better than you by a long shot.)

1. The mail orders for the book are starting to come in, and will be fulfilled by me no more than one business day after receiving payment (lucky for you, I live 100 yards from the Post Office). I’m shipping one book per envelope, so if you paid for two books, you’ll get two different envelopes. I’m also shipping no nude photos per envelope, so if you paid for three books, you’ll get no nude photos.

2. I’ll have more book press, reviews and interviews on the horizon, and I will make every scrap of them available here on the CDP. Not so much for you, but for my mom and what few close friends actually care about my limited accomplishments. The Missus has sent press releases out to local publications and newspapers, which may or may not be a good thing once initial reactions of the book start coming in. You don’t want to promote a flaming turd any more than is absolutely necessary.

3. I plan on promoting the book pretty hardcore until around the end of the week, where the CDP will start its year-end activities (Albums Of The Year, Year In Review, Best/Worst Of 2007, etc.). For those who are wondering when I’ll get back to the funny, you’ll get your wish starting Monday. I’ve been waiting to get back to funny stories quite a bit, myself. Talking about myself in interviews has been a lot of fun, but I’m looking forward to talking more about myself in the recently past tense. It’s just a totally different feeling, you know?

4. If you’ve been thinking about buying some CDP merch, know that they will undergo a complete overhaul in 2008, and none of the current line will be available. So, if you’ve been hankering for a CDP messenger bag or mousepad, you’d better do it before they’re gone at the end of the year. Buy some CDP merch right now!

5. At my office of employment, I’ve recently developed a taste for the egg salad sandwiches they stock in the break room vending carousel. Because of this, co-workers and associates have accused me of being insane, having a death wish or just possessing horrid taste in lunch items. For me, I love egg salad, but even when made correctly, you can pretty much expect an afternoon spent on the toilet. However, I had a lucky streak with the ‘wheel of death,’ and started to get cocky, thinking that nothing could hurt me.

Well, that all changed yesterday evening. If you need me today… just don‘t need me today. I have to rest, drink plenty of fluids and scotchtape my asshole back together.

You know, I wasn’t going to use that joke, but I found it far too funny not to type. I hope you understand and appreciate the internal struggle I had with it. Much like the struggle I had with 18 pounds of flaming lean tissue vacating my colon at light speed.

Please sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.