Here are 60 truths about me. Stream-of-consciousness, top-of-the-head, no internal filtering. I did this because I enjoyed the concept of it, found it therapeutic and thought it would generate a lot of chatter. Please enjoy and start what will hopefully be a lively discussion in the comments section. Who knows? You might learn something new and awful about me.
1. Sometimes, I really miss eating meat. I know that it’s wrong, but I can’t help missing it for some reason. I keep trying to convince myself that shrimp is okay to eat, because I honestly don’t care if they live or die. As you can imagine, it’s not doing the trick. Around the holidays, there’s a lot of shrimp abound at my family’s house, and it’s almost excruciating to not dive in. I won’t, though, because I’m above that crap.
2. I despise my bedroom mattress so much that I sometimes have to sleep on the floor. I’m buying a new one once the snow melts, for my back’s sake. The Missus loves the soft pillowtop, but I’ve never quite adjusted to anything other than firm and rigid. Maybe we’ll get a Sleep Number bed; those look pretty amazing.
3. I’m putting all of my book profits into a savings account, where I’m collecting every penny I’ve ever made throughout my writing career. I don’t want to spend any of it, because I don’t feel that I deserve to right now. There’s so much more to be done, and I need to be reminded of that constantly. Spending what little money I make through this amazing hobby will get me nowhere creatively.
4. I enjoy writing poetry, but I don’t like to read poetry and understand the fruity stigma that surrounds it. To compromise, I write poetry that makes fun of poetry, and everyone is happy.
5. I absolutely cannot wait to start writing my next book. I’m already drafting over 25 new essays, and it’s without question the best stuff I have ever written, chronicling some of the best stories I could possibly tell you. I want to start in Spring of 2008.
6. When people approach me with positive comments about my book, I never know what to say to them. I never thought I’d start cringing when I heard compliments, but it leaves me feeling awkward and embarrassed. Understand that I appreciate it more than anything, but it probably won’t appear that way.
7. I watch, purchase and attend professional wrestling events. I consider it an underrated and extremely underappreciated form of live entertainment. I don’t talk about it very much, because there’s a certain stereotype that surrounds it. I’ve come to terms with this.
8. If my wife asked me to kill someone, and had even a slightly convincing argument, I’d do it in a heartbeat.
9. Speaking of my wife, I understand the sentimental value in buying flowers for someone you love, but I consider it a waste of money. Instead, I spend thousands of dollars on diamonds and jewelery, and then have to hear from my wife that I never buy her flowers. This hurts me more than she knows, and it makes her come off as spoiled, when she’s really not. Or maybe she is; I guess I don’t know.
10. By the way, in the 8 years we’ve been together, I’ve bought flowers for the Missus no less than 7 times (and I have the vases to prove it). Simple math dictates that seven is slightly more than ‘never.’ Okay, rant over.
11. I’m extremely liberal when it comes to gay rights, gay marriage and complete political and economical equality in regards to homosexuality, yet I still use the term ‘gay’ as a way to insult various things. I feel hypocritical and unintelligent about this, and I’m taking steps to eliminate it entirely from my vocabulary.
12. I sometimes wonder why certain people haven’t bought my book yet. They hold no favors to me, yet it irks me that they haven’t purchased a copy. I think this is my ego coming through loud and clear. Nobody owes me anything at this stage in my life.
13. I only pay attention to the fortune cookies that tell me what I want to hear.
14. I sometimes feel that it’s wrong to make money by writing about things that have happened to me. Other times, I hope out loud for a book deal that will set me for life. My punk aesthetic and my adulthood responsibilities are clashing, and I’m attempting to straddle the line as best I can, so I can sleep at night without thinking I’m a whore.
15. I maybe see three new movies and read three new books every year. I don’t have time for them, and they don’t excite me for the most part. I’m not a big fan of fiction and I can’t stand congregating with strangers. It keeps me away from the bars, too.
16. On the other hand, I purchase no less than 50 CDs every year. My collection is at around 2000 right now, and it’s the most prized possession that I own.
17. However, I’d watch it all melt into a puddle if the house started on fire, because I would be too busy carrying my two cats to safety. In fact, even if I knew they would both die five minutes afterwards, I’d still sacrifice everything I own for that period of time. I mean that.
18. One of my goals for 2008 is to become popular enough locally to host a sold out blogging/writing panel at Geek Kon. I think that would be really neat for some reason.
19. I have never seen the original Star Wars trilogy, nor will I ever. After all the scrutiny I’ve taken due to this, it is now my life’s mission to die without ever watching them. Mainly out of spite. I don’t feel that I’m missing out on anything, and it has already been thoroughly ruined by their insane fans.
20. I think that my essays would work well in television show format. Failing that, I want to one day shoot short films based on some of them. Mainly, I’d like to do casting for the poor kid that would portray me.
21. I can rap well. I’m seriously good at it, although there will never be an instance where it would be socially acceptable to display it outside of a humorous light. I can deal with this; I don’t think people are ready for something so uncomfortable.
22. I sometimes play my wife’s bass guitar when I’m alone in the house. It sounds awful and I have to hold it upside-down, but it makes me happy. Meanwhile, my drums remain untouched in the basement, even though I have 13 years of experience under my belt.
23. If my blog posts don’t generate at least 10 comments a day, I feel like I haven’t done my job properly. That’s the superficial and egotistical barrier I surround myself in every waking moment.
24. If my wife knew how much money I spent buying myself lunch every week, she’d probably start putting me on an allowance, which I should probably be on anyways. It would make my life so much easier to be told what I can and cannot buy.
25. I sometimes become intensely aware of my adulthood responsibilities; my home, my wife, my job, my expenses and profits, and convince myself that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. I start thinking that it’s only a matter of time before I’m discovered as a fraud, and they throw me back into school. Then I stand in front of an open refrigerator for 10 minutes, eat cookies before dinner and remind myself that I’m entirely in control of my destiny.
26. I want to get my ass kicked, just to see if I can take it. This is not permission to hit me if you meet me in person, mind you.
27. Before meeting my wife at age 17, I had kissed almost every female friend I’ve ever had.
28. The more popular my writing gets, the less people care about the essays, and the more they care about me as a person. For as personal as my essays are, I honestly never wanted it that way. I want fans of my work, not fans of how I live my life, even if the two overlap at times. I hope that made sense, and didn’t portray me as arrogant.
29. I don’t own a single Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan or Bruce Springsteen record, because I honestly think that the bulk of their work is terrible.
30. When I weighed 110 pounds in high school, I would joke about putting on 60 pounds and bulking up. Now that I’ve achieved that, I feel more out of shape than ever.
31. This summer, I sustained a stress fracture, shin splints and a soft tissue injury to my right leg. I haven’t been able to run since, and I fear that I might never be as athletic as I was before the accident. This is the first time in my life that my body refused to let me do something that I was once capable of doing, and to me, it symbolizes my mortality. That scares me.
32. I think about and miss my Grandfather every day, in some form or fashion.
33. All of the haircuts that I like never work on my head. I just go with whatever’s the least embarrassing.
34. Even my deepest and most secretive fantasies aren’t all that filthy. As it turns out, I’m a pretty tame guy. Strange, because as a teenager, I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. Thanks to the Internet, I know that I’m doing okay.
35. I’ve never wanted anything more than to make at least one person laugh every day.
36. I think that a lot of my readers are significantly funnier than I am. Ambition defeats talent any day of the week; those that write are not always as genius as those who do not want to write.
37. If I lost my wife tomorrow, I’d be finished in every sense of the word. Even after 8 years together, I’m still convinced that every day with her saves me from an unimaginably negative fate.
38. I’ve accepted that I’ll never be rich. I now strive to be comfortable.
39. I don’t know if I’ll ever look better than I do right now, and that’s just Goddamn awful.
40. If you were to ask me for a ten minute cultural analysis on why Mystery Science Theater 3000 was one of the most significantly important comedy shows in television history, I’d oblige and then some. If you were to ask me what I ate for lunch yesterday, I wouldn’t be able to remember.
41. This summer, I took a week off work and devoted all of my time towards writing my book. There, I got to experience what it would be like if I wrote for a living; if it were my job. It was one of the best vacations of my life. I had never been so productive. I woke up early, scheduled breaks for myself and accomplished everything I had set out to do. It was then that I realized I could easily accomplish anything that I was truly passionate about. Absolutely divine.
42. On any given week, I take in anywhere from 3 to 7 hours of Mixed Martial Arts on television. I would love to talk to you about it, if you were interested.
43. I don’t know you on a personal level, but I’m pretty sure I could destroy you in Tetris. I know that everyone thinks they are great at that game, but I’m fairly certain that I’m better. It’s the game that gave my OCD something positive to do.
44. ‘There is no sword to be feared more than the learned pen.’ I’m getting that phrase tattooed somewhere on my body next year.
45. As much as I come off as someone impossible to offend or embarrass, it happens to me on an almost-daily basis. I merely don’t show it, as not to ruin my image of the guy that you can say anything around. I dislike side-stepping around topics when I converse with someone who’s easily-offended, so when the shoe is on the other foot, I’d rather just lie about it than make people feel bad about voicing their backwards-ass opinions.
46. I love it when people tell me that I should go on a radio or television show to promote my book, like it’s simply a matter of making a phone call and booking a flight. Their wide-eyed concept of the entertainment industry never ceases to amaze me, and I almost wish I believed what they believed it took to get on their television. To be that ignorant must be a blast; it has to make CBS sitcoms more humorous, at the very least.
47. If you are a somewhat-comparably aged woman that I have met or conversed with at any time over the last 15 years, there’s a good chance that I’ve thought about what it would be like to sleep with you. This is an incurable disorder, and it is suffered by every man that you have ever met in your entire life. Most women, too.
48. I pick my battles wisely when it comes to not taking crap from people. I let a lot of things slide that would bother most, simply because when the time comes to really put your foot down, you can’t look like you’re crying wolf. When you show true displeasure in something, you don’t want people to laugh it off. Pick your battles; let things slide. It will earn you the clout to make more things go your way in the long run.
49. If I knew how to play the guitar, I’d be rich. Emotionally and monetarily, absolutely no doubt about it. The question then is, ‘Why don’t you learn?’
50. Whenever I’m near the Adult section of a DVD or magazine aisle, I always leave when I notice someone too embarrassed to make a purchase due to my presence. I think it’s rude to wreck a stranger’s afternoon for no good reason.
51. When I was a young teen, I’d always have adult women give me the ‘If you were 10 years older…’ line. I’ve never forgotten how much that angered, belittled and embarrassed me. Now that I’m pushing 26 years of age, I understand what it feels like to be on the opposite side of the equation. In the past few years, I’ve received no less than five different e-mails from young women talking about how they’ve been ‘stalking’ me, ‘obsessing’ over me and dreaming about me (with descriptions of said dreams, to boot). I’m extremely glad that I’m married now, so I don’t have to give them the ’10 years older’ line. I haven’t forgotten how much it sucks.
52. My muse doesn’t read my stories, and that’s tragic.
53. When I was 18, I got into a serious argument with the Missus and shattered my car’s windshield with my fist (spiderwebbed the entire thing; no joke). I tore my left index finger open in the process, which got infected and almost required surgery. I’ve had a permanent scar and occasional joint pain in the knuckle ever since. She apologized to me almost a year ago, and while I downplayed the hell out of it, I silently celebrated one of the very few times I’ve been right in an argument. It only took me having to punch a motor vehicle to pieces to prove it.
54. The only lasting thing I’ve gotten out of being raised Catholic is a constant feeling of guilt, shame and impending doom. Thanks for that.
55. If just one more kiosk owner at the mall grabs my wife’s hand and tries to bully her into buying moisturizer, I’m going to absolutely destroy him. I don’t care how unbelievably sexy he is.
56. If you are a smoker under the age of 30, you are an idiot. I will not argue with you about this.
57. I never understood how aficionados and alcoholics could drink straight hard liquor, but I’m finding that my booze-to-mixer ratio is getting more and more booze-heavy as I get older. The way I see it, I’ll be drinking straight hard liquor exclusively in less than three months. I think it just runs in my family.
58. I’m giving up my Health Club membership so I can afford an iPhone. In my opinion, that is the very definition of defeat. “Screw exercise; I can download porn in church!”
59. I’m a better driver than you.
60. I haven’t thrown up since September of 2002. This has to be some kind of record.
FRIDAY: THE CDP YEAR IN REVIEW.