2 Days Until Doomsday.

2 Days Until Doomsday.

We’re just 48 hours away from the worldwide release of 65 Poor Life Decisions, the debut book by yours truly. This is, without question, the biggest week in the 4-year history of the CDP, and I’m starting to get a little antsy.

Do 'joo feel it?

Do you feel it? Do you feel it!?

Anyways, I just wanted to take some time today to wrap up a few loose ends concerning the book. Consider this an additional FAQ to the major one I posted awhile back. I’ve tried very hard to make the book as easy as possible to order, and I wanted to quickly explain how you can get a copy to your doorstep before Christmas.

There are basically two ways to order. They are:

1. Through Lulu.com. Starting November 30, I’ll have a link to ordering my book straight from Lulu, the company that is printing my books. I’ve been through their process, and it’s as easy as ordering anything online; just point, click and ship. It’s secure, quick and painless. Cost is $15.95.

2. Through me, Ryan Zeinert. Just send $21 to:

PO Box 865
Sun Prairie, WI 53590

The $21 includes an autographed and personalized copy of the book, shipping to anywhere in the nation and FREE CDP MERCH with every order. I’ll accept money orders and well-concealed cash (at your own risk), but no checks, please. It’s a really good deal; I’ve done the math. Make sure you include a return address, e-mail address and a name to make the book out to, as well.

Also, remember that ‘personalized copy’ means that I basically get to treat your copy like a high school yearbook (if you want). It’s going to be awesome, I can assure you. Also, please refrain from sending anything huge to my PO Box; it’s far too small for shenanigans.

So, that takes care of that. Please direct any more ordering questions to the comments section or my e-mail address; communistdance@yahoo.com. Thanks.

Boom Goes The Stupid Book.

Moving on, we should probably talk about money here for a little bit. Everyone should know that this has been a completely DIY venture from the get-go. I have written, compiled, edited, designed, formatted, uploaded and self-published this book on my own. I paid for the ISBN number, and essentially created my own vanity publishing company to release it. Lulu is strictly handing the printing of the book, for which they are taking a heavy cut of the royalties. I have already poured hundreds of dollars into this venture, and I’m counting on book sales, word-of-mouth and hard work to make up that difference.

Self-publishing is an exciting investment in itself. On one hand, there’s no contract, no promise of money or success, and a ton of busy work when you should be writing new funny stories. On the other hand, there’s nobody to answer to, and nobody to blame but yourself when you fail. Notice that after all of the business plans, Excel spreadsheets, hard work and e-mails, however, there’s no mention of getting rich. That’s because it’s impossible.

I haven’t mentioned it too much, but 65 Poor Life Decisions will be available on Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble.com, as well as any Barnes & Noble retailers that wish to carry copies. This sounds like a huge opportunity, and while it makes me excited to think that I’ll see my book in stores this Christmas, I’d rather that nobody actually buy my book through these avenues. That’s because for the luxury of getting global distribution of your self-published book, Amazon and Barnes & Noble take almost every penny of the royalties involved, leaving you with mere cents on the dollar.

If you went to the mall and bought my book at Barnes & Noble for $15.95, you know how much of that would go to me? 32 cents. That’s it, maybe a little less after taxes.

When you buy through Lulu or, God bless you, directly through me, that number skyrockets to almost $4.25 a book. So, you can see why I’d rather you not buy from the tyrants of the literature world. It’s better for me, and you know where your money is really going. This is why I set up the PO Box, direct mail order and personalization package. If we eliminate as much of the static as possible, the channels get clearer and better things happen. This page has gotten bigger every month thanks to that mindset, and I won’t be changing it anytime soon. It works.

So, now that you know I’ll be making around $4.25 a book, some quick math will remind you that I won’t be quitting the office job as early as I would have hoped. In fact, my only financial goal with 65 Poor Life Decisions is to break slightly better than even and sell out of all remaining stock. That’s it, friends. This book is about more than royalties; it’s about establishing myself as an author. Sure, it’s clear that I put a lot of money into making this a reality, but I’m of the assurance that it will work out for the very same reasons. I have no doubt in this.

Furthermore, when I have small armies of people handling each facet of my next major-label release, I’ll remember to stay humble.

So, after people stop asking me about money (they refuse to believe that I don’t want to make a ton of cash, but whatever), they start asking me about sales goals.

How many books do you think you’ll sell?

I heard this about five different times over Thanksgiving, and I couldn’t give a straight answer to anyone. As I said before, I want to sell enough books to break even financially, reach the people that should be reached and generate a little interest. Let’s put it this way. I’ve already gotten pre-order requests for 15 books, and it absolutely floored me. The fact that people cannot wait to send me money for my book is humbling in an astonishing way. I felt like Ric Flair when he showed up on Monday Night Raw to a standing ovation, and with tears in his eyes, said “As usual, you are too kind.

The Nature Boy.


Two days. 48 hours. Sound off in the comments section, and enjoy your Wednesday.

(By the way, happy birthday, Mom. This book was meant to be my present to you and the Missus. Hey, it sure beats a personalized pencil cup or a good deed coupon book.)

57 thoughts on “2 Days Until Doomsday.

  1. I’ll be the one sending you a money order. My credit union makes it really easy to get them and I’ve got to stop by there tomorrow anyway.I’m putting your (real) name in the “To:” section. Is this acceptable?Taco ALAAARM! = funniest. thing. evar.


  2. TAMARAZ- Who doesn’t want to spend tons of money on festive holiday mailing boxes and USPS tote bags?CDP- I was at work today thinking about guitar hero, and I pictured you rocking out like a nerd in your house. I tried dancing today while I was playing, and it caused me to butcher Barracuda.


  3. I remember the USPS store that was at the Mall of America. Imagine my surprise when it went out of business almost immediately.As far as Guitar Hero goes, I might have to put an instructional video up for proper rocking.


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