Ever since the CDP Nationwide Mix-Tape Trade ended a couple months ago, people have been harping on me about reviewing their mix. Time constraints were getting in the way at the time, but while I’m waiting for my book to go to publication, I have a week or two to really sit down and pick apart these works that CDP readers were kind enough to mail to me.
I set the rules for listening to and reviewing the assorted mixes as follows: I would write in complete stream-of-consciousness mode while each song played (hence the poor grammar and possible spelling errors), and stop writing as soon as the song was over. Any pausing or skipping tracks was not allowed. I was listening for songs that I liked, along with the general flow and mood you’d expect from a decent mix-tape. I listened to every mix through headphones and without outside distraction.
My fifth reviewed mix belongs to the hilarious, hard-drinking, gun-toting, ass-kicking, South Carolina-raised JT.
Due to specific instructions sent to me with the CD, it has been suggested that the mix works best when listened to drunk. Never one to ruin the specific and delicate mood created by JT, I have completely obliged, setting forth my own listening rules:
At the conclusion of each of the first 10 tracks (there are 20 overall), I will take a shot of Jameson Whiskey. That’s 10 shots in under 35 minutes, leaving me to slip into unconsciousness for the remaining 35 (it’s a pretty long mix).
This has been done for JT, the love of the mix-tape, my dedication to the CDP and the greater good in general. I also want to mention that this is a terrible idea and should not be tried by anyone, anywhere, ever. However, don’t ever again think that you can’t be drank under the table by a Madison hipster.
Here we go; pray for me.
1. Beer Drinkers And Hell Raisers – ZZ Top
I cannot believe how similar every single ZZ Top song sounds. I won’t deny their place in rock history, though; I’ve always liked the way they mixed the sound of their drum kit in production. ZZ Top is more or less Guitar Solo pornography; it doesn’t matter how we get to the guitar solo, all that matters is that it’s there and it’s good.
Just by scanning the titles of these songs, you can tell that JT is laying the theme on pretty thick. One song down, and one smooth shot of Jameson for yours truly.
2. Beer Run – George Jones & Garth Brooks
Any time I hear George Jones’ “He Stopped Loving Her Today,” I more or less tear up like a baby. Also, I respect Garth Brooks more than just about any country musician. I mean, this guy has sold more records than the Beatles, and has been retired for a decade. This is a fun song, actually; it sounds like Garth and George are having a fun time.
My second shot in three minutes went down a little harder than the first. No worries, though.
3. Raise Hell, Drink Beer – Cory Morrow
I’ve never heard of Cory Morrow, but I’m really surprised he’s not on the radio. Or maybe he is; I guess I’d have no idea. This is a up-tempo number about the only thing to do in a backwoods town on the weekends. Had I not left Larsen, Wisconsin for Madison, I’d probably be the biggest redneck on Earth by now.
I really should have eaten something before I signed on to give myself alcohol poisoning. My gut hurts after this third shot, and I’m starting to get light headed. It’s going to be a long review.
4. Thrown Out Of The Bar – Hank Williams III
For those who don’t know, Hank Williams Sr. is a God, Hank Williams Jr. is an alcoholic, and Hank Williams III is an alt-country madman. I can’t say that I’ve ever been thrown out of a bar, but I did throw a dart at some jackass once; leaving before he kicked the crap out of me.
These songs are kind of short; I thought I’d have time to recover in between drinks. Uh-oh.
5. Longneck Bottle – Garth Brooks
You’d never think this about me, but I am the proud owner of the Garth Brooks boxed set. Not because I’m a country fan, but I’m a fan of history-changing popular music. Garth is the man, yo.
I’m starting to think that JT has created the Holy Grail of all Southern Tavern mixes. Considering that he has to listen to horrid jukebox picks every night, it makes sense that he would know what works and what doesn’t.
Jesus, it’s getting hot in here. I apologize for any spelling errors in the very near future. I’m going to hate Jameson my the time I’m done with this.
6. Drink One More Round For Me – Pat Green (f/Cory Morrow)
This song makes me feel like a lonely, suicidal drunk, sitting alone in my office, contemplating the desolate near-future. Oh man, that is what I’m doing! I need a sandqich, pronto.
7. Una Mas Cerveza – Tommy Alverson
Are you sure this isn’t a Jimmy Buffet song? If not, he should at least sue for infringement on his signature, laid-back, breezy beach sound. He’ s still alive, right?
Four more shots to go. Make tat three more. I feel like I ate a battery. What time is it?
8. Corpus Christi Bay – Robert Earl Keen
I want to take this time to apologize foe what’s happening to this mix review. I hope JT understands my lack of vision. I also want to apologize to my mother, and anyone who reads this under the age of 21, or really anyone that has attempted to respect me as a person.
I HATE WHISKEY.
9. Beer – Cory Morrow
No freaking way! Cory Morrow covers a Reel Big Fish song! Awesome. For my money= this is pretty much my favorite beer-related song ever. I’m not even that big of a drinker (although it’ll be hard to convince you of that right now), but every time I hear this song, I have to sing it at the top of my lings.,
This is my ninth show. Shot. Shot. Shot. shot. shot shot. shot. shoot
10. This One – American Gun
Guns are the only American-made product that doesn’t break after a weej. Wekk. Week.
Goddamn. There, I’m done. Now I can fosuc, and get back down to business.
11. Hair Of The Dog – Shooter Jennings
When I was a kkid, I would liusten to Nazereth’s ‘Hair of the Dog’ album, because I really liked ‘Love Hurts.’ Now that I’m older, nothing has changed. i just dont own the album any more.
Thank you for listening to that story. Please buy my book on November 300/
12. Some Rowdy Women – Shooter Jennings
A double shot of Shooter Hennings! Rad. I do’t knoiw who this guy is, but I bet I could beat hin in a game of Pinball.
13. Sunday Morning Coming Down – Johnny Cash
Johnny Cash = The Man. The most punk rock country musician ever. RIP.
14. All My Rowdy Friends (Have Settled Down) – Hank Williams Jr.
My mom saw Hank in concert many yers ago, and she said that he gor drunk and passed out half way through his set. I don’t know if that’s a good thing, but at least she has a neat story to tell. I think musician is one of the few jobs where you can show up completely whacked out of your gourd and still get paid. Well, that and professional writer, I guess.
15. I’m Drinking Again – Corey Smith
He mentioned Whiskey in this song. I don’t think I like whickey anymore, though. I need to go to the bathroom.
16. Whiskey River – Willie Nelson
No, not another whiskey song. I thought that Willie was more of an illicit substance kind of guy, anyways. Not me, I’ve always been law-abiding. I’m sick of coworkers thingking that I smoke pot. Sorry, dude, gt away from me.
17. Saint Of Alcohol – American Gun
I like this mix. Of course, I think I like just abnout everything right about now. If I were at a bar, I’d be hugging people and telling them how much I missed them, even if it were the firswt time we’ve ever met. I get really gabby and dancy when i drink. Sort of like when I’m sober, only slightly less coherent.
18. Wishing I Was 21 – Corey Smith
Getting drunk isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You get sick, you make a fool out of yourself, you probably throw up, you don’t remember much and you lose all of your money. I don’t think I’m ever drinking again after this. Thanks JT, you’ve changed my life with your mix, but not in the way you probably intended
19. Threadbare Gypsy Soul – Pat Green (f/Willie Nelson)
You know what the difference is between a violin and a fiddle? NOTHING!
20. Tiger Rag – Clemson University Tiger Band
GO Clemson! I like that JT is so proud of his alma matter. That’s freaking awesome.
Time for stats.
Total Number Of Tracks – 20
Number Of Above Average Tracks – 6
Number Of Average Tracks – 8
Number Of Below Average Tracks – 6
Number Of Tracks That I Own – 1.5
Best Track(s) – Sunday Morning Coming Down/Beer
Worst Track – Saint Of Alcohol
Total Score – 7.0/10
Tomorrow, I’ll have another mix on the chopping block. Will it be yours?
(NOTE: This was done in satire only, and again, shouldn’t really be attempted by anyone.)