Prepare For Glory.

Prepare For Glory!

Tonight is the night of the Wisconsin Simpsons Trivia Contest.

Tonight is the night I’ve been waiting 20 years for. The night that I’ve been preparing for since I was 5 years old. Tonight will be the culmination of all my hard work, sacrifice, dedication and two decades of devotion. I have been training long and hard for this very moment, and I will not let it pass me by. It is my life.

It is my destiny.

In honor of the equally-anticipated Simpsons Movie (which I will be attending a 12:01 premiere of immediately following the contest), 20 teams of the greatest Simpsons minds in Wisconsin will converge downtown, and only one will be left when the dust settles.

My team, “The Hank Scorpio Experience,” consists of myself, the Missus, Sherry (who knows nothing) and contributing Isthmus writer, Nathan Comp. There was a 3-person minimum requirement, and I prefer nothing more than to go into battles as alone as possible. It puts the enemy on their heels and makes them complacent. Makes them weaker than they already are. They have no idea what humiliation is about to befall them. It’s just the way I like it.

Furthermore, having a newspaper editor on your team means that your assured a spot above-the-fold sometime during the weekend. Especially once we win.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been putting my body through rigorous torture and conditioning, as a way to toughen myself up for the task at hand. I’ve been simultaneously playing Guitar Hero Rocks The 80’s while the Missus asks me Simpsons questions, sharpening up my multi-tasking skills and dexterity. I’ve been eating raw eggs for protein, and building up my alcohol tolerance just in case I need to drink a few nerds under the table to boot.

Also, as a sign of devotion and respect to the Simpsons, I’ve shaved the beard I had been growing for two weeks. I had planned on keeping the beard until my big 5K race on August 11, but I realized that it would just be funnier if I wore a fake moustache instead of a real one. It’s less molester-y, and it takes far less time to remove.

As you can see, my powers of logic are getting sharper by the second.

Male attire for The Hank Scorpio Experience calls for a blazer over a t-shirt with jeans; modeled after Hank Scorpio, the greatest character in Simpsons history. Luckily for myself, this is how I dress every weekend, so a large change was not in order. Furthermore, I need to be as comfortable as possible when I’m sending 100 Simpsons poseurs crying back to their mother’s basement.

In short; bring it on, bitches. I’m right here.

Wish me luck and sound off in the comments section. If you bring up the fact that I published this a day early, you will be deducted 1 point. To tide you over, here’s a clip of Homer doing the monologue on Leno last night.

16 thoughts on “Prepare For Glory.

  1. Once again…CDP, you’re my hero. I’ll be working the door at the Idiot on Thursday night, but will be sure to raise a drink in your honor.


  2. I was only driving the point home that I enjoy having the odds stacked against me for battle. I have the feeling that you’re going to know one insignificant piece of trivia that will result in us winning the contest, and I will congratulate you thusly.Me excitie.


  3. I have a feeling I will contribute nothing to this contest. However, it was not my idea to participate so this cannot be held against me.


  4. All right, CDP. Answer these off the top of your head. Go!How did Herman lose his arm?Name three of of Lionel Hutz’ side businesses.Name three of the seven Duff characters modeled after the Seven Dwarfs.Who is the actual creator of Itchy and Scratchy and what did he buy with all the money he won from his lawsuit?Name the 3 failed characters from the Itchy and Scratchy and Friends Hour.


  5. Okay, I’m doing to honestly do this without consulting help. I appreciate the warm-up, and I encourage others to do the same throughout the day:1. I can’t remember. Was it a bomb in ‘Nam?2. Shoe cobbling, keys made while you wait, Real Estate(?)3. Surly, Tipsy & Remorseful.4. I can’t remember his name, but he bought a Solid Gold house and a Rocket Car.5. Disgruntled Goat, Ku Klux Klam and I can’t remember a third.Damn…not too bad, I suppose. Keep ’em coming!


  6. Holy crap.Dragonforce’s <>“Through The Fire And Flames”<> will be featured on Guitar Hero 3, hitting stores on October 27. According to ScoreHero: <>DragonForce’s “Through the Fire and Flames” is a bonus track and not in the main setlist. “Through the Fire and Flames” was also described as “an insane flurry of hammer-ons that caused almost everyone to fail only 1-3% into the song.”<>Basically, they put it in the bonus section because it’s a complete joke and nobody can pass it. The article goes on to say that even the guy that designed the Note Chart for it can’t pass it.Well, I’m done for the day.


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