Tonight is the night of the Wisconsin Simpsons Trivia Contest.
Tonight is the night I’ve been waiting 20 years for. The night that I’ve been preparing for since I was 5 years old. Tonight will be the culmination of all my hard work, sacrifice, dedication and two decades of devotion. I have been training long and hard for this very moment, and I will not let it pass me by. It is my life.
It is my destiny.
In honor of the equally-anticipated Simpsons Movie (which I will be attending a 12:01 premiere of immediately following the contest), 20 teams of the greatest Simpsons minds in Wisconsin will converge downtown, and only one will be left when the dust settles.
My team, “The Hank Scorpio Experience,” consists of myself, the Missus, Sherry (who knows nothing) and contributing Isthmus writer, Nathan Comp. There was a 3-person minimum requirement, and I prefer nothing more than to go into battles as alone as possible. It puts the enemy on their heels and makes them complacent. Makes them weaker than they already are. They have no idea what humiliation is about to befall them. It’s just the way I like it.
Furthermore, having a newspaper editor on your team means that your assured a spot above-the-fold sometime during the weekend. Especially once we win.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been putting my body through rigorous torture and conditioning, as a way to toughen myself up for the task at hand. I’ve been simultaneously playing Guitar Hero Rocks The 80’s while the Missus asks me Simpsons questions, sharpening up my multi-tasking skills and dexterity. I’ve been eating raw eggs for protein, and building up my alcohol tolerance just in case I need to drink a few nerds under the table to boot.
Also, as a sign of devotion and respect to the Simpsons, I’ve shaved the beard I had been growing for two weeks. I had planned on keeping the beard until my big 5K race on August 11, but I realized that it would just be funnier if I wore a fake moustache instead of a real one. It’s less molester-y, and it takes far less time to remove.
As you can see, my powers of logic are getting sharper by the second.
Male attire for The Hank Scorpio Experience calls for a blazer over a t-shirt with jeans; modeled after Hank Scorpio, the greatest character in Simpsons history. Luckily for myself, this is how I dress every weekend, so a large change was not in order. Furthermore, I need to be as comfortable as possible when I’m sending 100 Simpsons poseurs crying back to their mother’s basement.
In short; bring it on, bitches. I’m right here.
Wish me luck and sound off in the comments section. If you bring up the fact that I published this a day early, you will be deducted 1 point. To tide you over, here’s a clip of Homer doing the monologue on Leno last night.