I Will Never Be Your Woman.

Censored For Your Protection.

Don’t bother me; I’m working. Here’s a quick CDP Book Update for your punk ass:

I’m currently going through the best 50 or so essays; editing, re-writing and formatting as needed. I assume that this will run me through most of July. Once I get through that phase, I will give rough drafts to about 10 close friends and family, and have them completely tear it apart. From that feedback, I will make necessary cuts, minor changes and finalize the formatting.

I’m self-publishing this first book, so once it’s ready to be put into book form, every single minute process needs to be done by yours truly. It’s a slow and thankless process that forces me to read this crap a thousand times, until I virtually hate everything I’ve ever written, proclaim the whole thing crap and start over from the beginning. It’s times like this I wish I had a real book deal.

Unofficially, I expect this bad boy to roll out in late August, early September. I figured the project would run me through the Summer, and it’s starting to prove me right.

So, there you have it. I’ll have photos of my new (old) car up soon, and I once again everyone sticking around and keeping me company while I work on this thing. I’ll get back to the funny stuff someday. Maybe.

Have a good one.

(In the background of the photo: A bulletin board featuring many photos of me and the Missus, paintings of the Simpson family by the Missus, an extremely rare theatrical poster from MST3K: The Movie, a hockey mask, a new turntable with a Descendents 45.)

The Wild Stallion.

See You In Hell, Wild Stallion.

I sold The Wild Stallion this weekend.

She was the 3rd car I’ve ever owned. I had her for almost 4 years, and she hardly gave me any problems. Sure, everyone under the age of 68 pointed and laughed whenever I drove by, but to Hell with that 98% of the population. I’m my own man, and I’m not defined by my vehicle…you know…as long as the vehicle I have makes me look like an old-ass man.

You’ll be missed, Stallion. I hope that the 6-foot-6 guy that bought you takes just as good care of you as I have.

So, what is car purchase #4, you ask? All will be revealed within the week.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your Monday.

Pick Me Up, Carry Me Home.

Pick Me Up, Carry Me Home.

Here are 10 things to chew on. Get caught up, feast on table scraps and so forth.

1. My 3rd Anniversary was on Tuesday; me and the Missus celebrated by going out to a nice restaurant and crawling into bed by 11. It was all we cared to muster. Still though, I continue to love the woman more and more with each passing day.

It’s probably the dementia catching up with me. Nah, she’s pretty awesome sometimes.

2. My Great-Grandmother passed away last weekend at the age of 95. The funeral was a somber but celebratory atmosphere, perfectly encapsulated by the following quote from my Dad:

“Yeah, it’s sad, but she was 95 years old! If there was something she needed to do, she probably already did it by now.”

My projected year of death is currently 2050. I’ll be 68 years old and more than ready to shuffle off. Also, 2050 is the projected release date of the CDP Book.

3. Speaking of which, the CDP Book is still running smoothly, albiet a bit slowly. The editing phase is a long one, and I’ll let you know when I finally emerge. The CDP will stay in limbo until I say otherwise; I appreciate your support.

4. With a new Guitar Hero game arriving in July, I’ve been counting down the days by learning how to play Guitar Hero II with my opposite hand. I figure I can at least use this trick to impress the children at Best Buy. I already play left-handed with the notes backwards, so what I’m really trying to say is that I’m better than you. Always and forever.

5. The new banner at the top of the page is temporary and will be replaced by something cooler in the near future. I have more important things to be working on, so please bear with it for the time being.

6. Cute girls that work on commission at The Buckle should be banned from this planet from this point forward. Every time I’m approached by them, I cannot help but drop $200 and leave with bags of stuff that I’ll never wear again. Years later, I’ll see 8 shirts in the back of my closet with the tags still on them, and remember where I went so very wrong. These women need to be stopped; they know we’re defenseless against their charms.

7. Me and the Missus were eating dinner on historic State Street last weekend, when I noticed a concert flyer on a kiosk across the street. I thought it was advertising a Sage Francis concert in Madison, which got me very excited. When dinner was done, I ran across the street to see the date of the show, when I noticed that it was actually a flyer for a Page France show.

My vision may not be superior anymore, but I’d like to think that anyone would have been fooled. It was the same font and everything.

8. I’m currently up to the letter ‘J’ in my CD collection in regards to the ‘Upload everything I own into iTunes’ project. My goal is to be done by the end of the year. Due to my CD purchasing habits, however, I will not be able to catch up with myself ever.

9. I just got done watching the 10th Anniversary edition of the AFI Top 100 Films special, and I’ve been left a bit inspired. I always push myself into watching and appreciating more classic American cinema, so I’ve made a promise to myself for the month of July. For the entire month, I will move heaven and earth to take in at least 1 classic movie every day. I’ll keep you posted on my progress, which should fizzle out by Independence Day.

10. When do you want the next CDP Live Video Chat to be? Sound off in the comments section, and pick a date sometime in July. Allow me ample time to promote the hell out of the thing, and place fliers in select urban areas.

Back at it. Have a good one.

4.25 Out Of 100 Stars.

I'm Grilling Out Tonight.

For your viewing consideration, here is yet another overwhelmingly positive CDP review. I don’t know who these people are or what they will eventually want from me, but it made my day and caused me to swagger around the office for a few hours, until I was ushered aside by security for ‘making a scene.’

Oh, they use my real name in here for some reason, so please try to refrain from showing up on my porch with a severed cat head. Carry on.

Check Out The Glowing Review HERE!

Thanks, and enjoy your weekend. Me and the Missus start a 4-day weekend that culminates with our 3rd Anniversary on the 19th. We’re unplugging the phone, and plugging it right back in again, because we might miss an emergency or something. That’s just irresponsible.

The editing stage of the CDP Book is in its infancy, and thrusting me into the inner layers of hell. Pray for me.

More Like, "House On The Crock!"

The House On The Rock.

Last weekend, we headed out to the House On The Rock for about the hundredth time in my life. As usual, the visit proved to be both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time; much like a visit to Six Flags or downtown Milwaukee.

Here then, a few photographs.

Don't Look Me In The Eye.

Check it out, I have a suntan! I tell you, the Wisconsin summers will really bronze a guy up. Also, I’m a serial killer.

From Here To Infinity.

Me and Ben take in the view of the ‘Infinity Room.’ The room is essentially a massive jut out from the actual house that’s suspended hundreds of feet over the forests with little to no supports. There’s a glass floor, and the damn thing shakes when you walk on it. It’s seriously just one jumping fat kid away from crumbling and careening into the lush greenery below.

Wisconsin Is The Prettiest State In Wisconsin.

It’s worth it for the view, however. We both changed our pants and gingerly continued on our way.

The Streets Of Yesterday.

No tourist trap is complete without some housewife in a Hawaiian shirt. I politely asked her to leave the ‘Streets Of Yesterday’ shortly after this photo was taken. I really don’t need that.

See You In Your Nightmares!

Death loomed quietly overhead. I secretly wished it would take me with him.

I've Never Been More Terrified.

Here then, the very definition of fear. That poor clown had to stand next to my doughy, white ass while I attempted to make funny faces. In a related note, we kept checking our rearview mirrors on the ride home to make sure he wasn’t following us.

I Have No Idea.

And who can forget…..this!

The House On The Rock is pretty much a collection of junk, crudely thrown together to represent something mysterious and grand. When you finally reach this giant, swirling room full of contraptions and utter crap, you begin to get in on the joke and marvel at the genius of it all.

Still though, for $26 a ticket, the joke’s not really all that funny afterward.

See You Later, Losers!

I forgot to mention that slices of pizza are $5. You can’t keep me away from this place! I want to go through again! Could I possibly look like a bigger douchebag in this photo? Could I?

Why Won't This House Just End Already?

Animatronic mannequins playing pneumatically-powered instruments? Just try not to completely freak out when you find yourself surrounded by hundreds of them at a time. Poor Ben was tripping out like you wouldn’t believe. I thought he might have accidentally ingested some Clorox before stepping into the damn place.

Not Or Not?

Come here, baby. The CDP’s gunna make it all better.

I really should have put a censored bar over my Junk area, but I like to keep it real. Also, notice that I always represent by rocking the Chucks.

This Was My Nickname In Middle School.

After the House, a trip to the Firm Worm was in order. I needed bait and a good laugh.

Big Sweetie! BIG SWEETIE!

Upon arrive back to headquarters, we found that Gabe had gone and purchased himself a massive designer Cat Tree. What a bastard.

Sound off in the comments section, and tell me to get back to work on my book.

Bomb Pop!

The CDP Book - Phase II.

I figured 150-some comments was enough for the previous post, and besides, we were long overdue for an official CDP Book Update.

In my hands (not right this second, mind you, or else I wouldn’t be able to type, ya’ freaking mongoloid) I hold 260 pages of the best posts in CDP history. In Phase II of my pre-production process, I will be going page-by-page through the stack, editing, revising, cutting, re-writing and updating everything that’s fit to print. This phase will take considerably longer than the initial “cut 1500 pages of worthless crap” phase I just emerged from.

Once this is done, I should have approximately 250 pages (my ideal length) of beautifully edited and formatted text which I will then use to begin my layout process. At this point, it should be the Winter of 2015, and my not-yet-conceived son or daughter will be starting Kindergarten.

Thanks again for the support. Sound off in the comments section and cheer me on.