Damn, my ears are bleeding again. Give me a second.
Like I was saying, we have a ton of things planned for today, so sit still for 10 minutes and see if you can make it all the way through, you inattentive bastard. Come on, you deserve a break today. Let me entertain you. The best a man can get, and so forth. Seriously though, this has got to be the Biggest & Most Jam-Damn-Packed Lost Friday In CDP History, so settle in. After an episode like ‘The Brig,’ coupled with my coasting through last week’s episode, I wanted to pull ‘oot all the stops and give the public everything that they’ve been asking for.
I’m talking about nudity, and lots of it.
On Monday, we’ll find out if I’m a finalist for the 2007 Hugo Cup or not. For those out of the loop, the Hugo Cup is an award given to the best Lost-related site on the Internets. And while the CDP only talks about Lost on Fridays, your votes and comments were enough to net me a #4 ranking in the preliminary voting stage (out of about 50 sites). If I am chosen as a finalist, however, it’s going to take more than that to take down the Goliaths of the Internet Lost Community (ILC). I’m telling you, these people are ruthless. They’re single and they live in apartments full of cats, so you know they have nothing better to do than to make yours truly look weak.
F that, yo. F that right in the A.
Once we get to that bridge, I’ll give you all the information you need to vote like crazy and grant the CDP the biggest come-from-behind victory since the 2004 Red Sox-Yankees series. Or the Elton John – David Furnish series of 2005, depending on how filthy you want to get.
See what I did there? I did the one joke, and then I did another joke just like it, only smarter. Try and keep up.
Sure, those other sites may have millions of hits, exclusive spoilers and interviews with members of the production team, but where’s the originality? Where’s the captions and haikus? Where’s the satire? Where’s the subtle hint that they might actually despise this show with every fiber of their being for overtaking their lives and destroying their abilities to be merely complacently entertained by a television show?
Nowhere, that’s where. We’re going to win this thing together, you and me. I’ll keep you posted.
Now, let’s get this par-tay started proper, with the Thickest Thick & Meaty EVER!
Day 83 (8 Days Ago) – We’re treated to a very cinematic, wide-angle shot of Locke slowly wetting himself upon seeing his Father tied up on the island. This was classy and quite tastefully done, I might add. Locke stammers around for a bit, while Ben gets all annoying and hits us with the old “You brought him to the island yourself” crap. Cooper bites Locke on the hand, which explains why his hand was bandaged up when he went to say goodbye to Kate later on in the day. See? I still pay attention.
Cooper acts like he knows where he is, while Ben informs Locke that they will be packing up and leaving for an ‘old place.’ I assume they’re referring to the Ho-Chunk Casino in Baraboo, Wisconsin. I swear to God, I’ve never seen anyone there under the age of dead.
Day 88 (3 Days Ago/Daytime) – Living like true nomadic hippies (read:losers), the Others are setting up camp in the middle of a clearing. This is due to the fact that Locke accidentally blew up everything that even resembled a living quarters the night before. They just can’t have nice things when he’s around. He’s like an old, sweaty, drunk baby.
The Others keep trying to catch glimpses of Locke, as they are well aware of his island transformation from Cripple to Super-Cripple. Locke signs a few autographed 8×10 glossys and heads over to Ben’s tent, where he’s listening to the tape that Juliet left for him at the Staff Hatch. Ben let’s Locke know that they’ll be kidnapping all of the pregnant women from the beach in a few days, and that nobody will get hurt, apart from having their torsos sliced open and the fetus forceably sucked out of their bodies by an industrial DHARMA vacuum. Pain free and relatively mess-free, from what I can tell.
Ben starts in with the manipulation again, telling Locke that he’s been healing much faster since he’s been around. Ben wants to show Locke everything the island is capable of doing (like air-hockey and jarts), but first he has to dust off his dad as a gesture of Free Will and ability to shake the hold Anthony still has on him. Locke shrugs his shoulders and cuts his dad’s head off, real quick-like.
Nope. Actually, he just gets all cockeyed and we fade to commercial. I got up from my couch and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. It was a big night for all of us.
Day 88 (3 Days Ago/Nighttime) – Right in the middle of a dream involving Selma Hayek and the World’s Biggest Hoagie, Locke is woken up by Ben, who informs him that ‘it’s time.‘ Which leads us to the Lost Friday Question Of The Week:
What Is It Time For?
A.) Locke to gently massage Ben’s legs with sacred oils?
B.) Locke to find a replacement t-shirt, which currently consists of more sweat than cotton?
C.) Karaoke and/or Movieoke?
D.) A game of strip poker with Ben, Tom, Roger Workman and the Smoke Monster?
E.) All of the above.
If you answered “Time for Locke to slit his dad’s throat,” you’d be right. However, that wasn’t one of the choices, so you’re still a stone-cold loser in my eyes. You hear me talking, Grandma?
At the peak of some ancient-looking pillar, Ben encourages Locke to carve up Anthony like so many Christmas geese. Anthony sez’ he won’t do it; Ben sez’ he will; Locke makes faces into the camera for two minutes. Eventually, Locke realizes that he left the stove on and runs off. Ben publicly humiliates Locke, who spends the rest of the night crying with his face buried in his pillow, listening to Fall Out Boy on a constant loop.
When asked if he wants any dessert, Locke just yells “I HATE THIS HOUSE!“
Day 89 (2 Days Ago) – Taking in the scenic view of Upper Hell, Locke removes his bandage to find that his hand has already fully healed (yarb? plot point?). Richard shows up and lets him know that Ben set him up to look like an ass last night because he was jealous. He claimed that Ben was incredibly envious of John, what with his bald head, excessive sweatiness and proclivity to blow up every stationary object with 150-year-old dynamite. Richard lets Locke know that Sawyer could help him kill his dad, and hands him his super-secret file to fill him in on the whole sexy backstory.
Day 90 (Yesterday) – Locke wakes up to the Others packing up and heading out again. Ben informs Locke that he can’t come with until he kills his father (boy, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve had someone say that to me, I’d be eating nickel soup). The Others start marching off without him, while Locke hums the Honeycomb Cereal jingle to himself:
“Honey Comb’s big, yeah-yeah-yeah!
It’s not small, no-no-no!”
REAL TIME EVENTS:
Locke, with his kidnapped father in tow, is reading Sawyer’s folder over a fire. Anthony starts screaming through his gag, but Locke hushes him and tosses the folder into the fire.
Then the show starts.
Or did it just end?
Wait, we’re right in the middle?
What time is it?
On the beach, Kate and Sawyer are getting all grabby in his tent. Kate insists on leaving alone, as she’s obviously pregnant and rife with STD’s. Sawyer is cool with this, and heads out to take a moonlight whiz. Around the corner, he finds Hurley and Jin acting like loons outside of Desmond’s tent. Fresh out of dumbass nicknames for the Fat Guy and the Asian Guy, Sawyer leaves them be.
In mid-pee, Locke shows up and claims that he’s looking for Sawyer. Sawyer gives us the line of the night, asking Locke about his “Blow Up Everything That Could Get Us Off The Island Tour.” Locke breaks down the situation to Sawyer, explaining that he had Ben (not Anthony) kidnapped, and that he needs Sawyer to kill him. After some grilling, Locke lets Sawyer know that he read his magic file, and he knew about the Sydney murder. Sawyer denies it, but comes along anyway.
Forgetting to zip up his pants, Sawyer walks no less than 10 miles in the jungle with his ween dangling out. I had wondered why this episode was rated TV-MA; now I know.
Back on the beach, we see that Desmond and Charlie are hiding the parachutist from Jack because they no longer trust him. Something about Jack nailing one of the Others has them spooked for some reason. Can’t imagine why; Juliet seems so normal to me.
In the jungle, Locke and Sawyer Dangle-Ween are comparing their favorite movies to each other. Locke claims that Swing Kids made him cry, while Sawyer states that he got a little misty-eyed watching Apollo 13. Personally, I always tear up when I watch a movie about a group of black kids that take back their neighborhood through some type of dance competition.
Hurley fills Sayid in on the parachutist situation, as he feels he can trust him. After grilling the parachutist, we find out that her name is Naomi, and she flew from a freighter about 80 miles west as part of a search and recover-
Just then, Sayid tortures and kills her. There’s no way we’re getting any answers on this island!
Actually, she validates the theories that we’ve all had concerning her identity. Penelope Widmore hired her to check out coordinates in the middle of the ocean after a GPS search. As it were, Penny knew that her dad was somehow behind this island, and sought it out in a search for Desmond. She also claims that her right lung really, really hurts.
Oh, and Flight 815 was found in an ocean trench, and everyone on board was found dead.
Arriving at the Black Rock, Locke traps Sawyer inside the brig with the man Sawyer believes to be Ben. Meanwhile, Rousseau shows up for some dynamite that she will use to blast the filth off of her skin. Come on! Take a bath, woman!
Sawyer starts to realize what’s going on, and finds out that he’s trapped with Locke’s dad. Anthony explains that he woke up here after a car accident, and believing Locke to be dead, is convinced that he is now in Hell. Sawyer continues to grill Cooper concerning his backstory, and Anthony makes the unbelievably stupid mistake of shooting his mouth off concerning past con-jobs.
In what has to be 3 of the best minutes in Lost history, Sawyer makes the realization that it was Cooper that was responsible for the death of his parents. Pulling out the letter he had written to him so many years ago, he forces Cooper to read it out loud. Cooper makes it through a bit, but then proceeds to tear the letter up. Sawyer then strangles Cooper with his shackles and pulls off one of the more brutal murders I’ve seen on television in awhile. Absolutely brilliant.
Locke unlocks the brig door and thanks Sawyer. He’s also drinking a juice box at the time, which is really weird to me. Where did it come from? What’s its origin?
On the beach, Idiot Kate instantly runs to Jack to spill the beans about Naomi. Uber-Idiot Jack wants her to talk to him in front of Juliet, which she amazingly does. Juliet wants to fill Kate in on a secret, but Jack tells her that it’s not the right time. But hey, when is the right time to tell someone they have AIDS?
In the jungle, Locke lets Sawyer know that Juliet is a mole, and they will be coming to kidnap the pregnant women in three days. As proof of Juliet’s mole-like behavior, he gives Sawyer the tape recording she made in the Staff Hatch. Locke then makes his way through the jungle, hoisting his dad’s corpse on his back in a burlap sack. Man, I’m so sick of shows ending that way!
Boy, that episode was awesome. Not as awesome as my recap, but awesome nonetheless. In fact, there are only 5 moments in Television History that were more awesome than this episode, and I think they need to be recognized in a little segment I like to call…
The Only 5 Moments In Television History More Awesome Than ‘The Brig.’
5– September 19, 1964: An obviously intoxicated Walter Cronkite exclaims ‘it’s my birthday!‘ and takes his wiener out on Face The Nation. Following the lead of the ‘Most Trusted Man In America,’ every anchorman in the United States follows suit the very next day.
4– October 29, 2006: The CDP is caught on camera for 1.3 seconds during a Friday Night Smackdown! taping in Milwaukee. He is then struck by a folding chair and knocked out.
3– April 9, 2000: Fox Mulder and Dana Scully finally get it on.
2– February 1, 2004: Janet Jackson’s right breast wins Super Bowl XXXVIII.
1– July 5, 2007: Approximately two months from today, President George W. Bush will speak in Phoenix on the topic of Global Warming. While in the midst of denying the existence of the worldwide epidemic, the blistering heat will cause his head to explode, showering his audience with candy and bits of tin foil.
I’m pretty sure that all of these clips are on YouTube now, so check them out. Now, let’s head on over to ringside for the pre-Break It Down introductions with referee ‘Big’ John McCarthy:
“Okay gentlemen, I want a good, clean Break It Down, here. No foul language, no poop jokes; just solid journalism and pop-culture commentary, you got that? Are you ready? Are you ready? Well, let’s BREAK IT DOWN!”
4– After wishing death upon Anthony Cooper for over a year now, I’m basking in the afterglow of his demise. Sure, his death didn’t come in the form of the 5 Awesome Ways I wanted to see him get dispatched, but being choked to death is pretty badass, even for Lost standards. After it was over, I yelled “Kill him again!”
8– It’s a rare occasion when someone out-acts Terry O’Quinn on this show, but Josh Holloway was the freaking man this week. This was the episode where I stopped chalking his performances up to good writing and luck, because this guy can flat-out act. If you have the Season 1&2 DVDs, I recommend checking out his other flashback episodes, because they’re always incredible.
Sawyer is a complex character, and Holloway pulls it off every week; a snarky dude that hates himself and has serious emotional issues, while trying to be accepted and keep his defenses up. You try playing his character someday, and let me know how it works for you (I have been playing it for 25 years, and I still don’t have it right). Remember the sub-plot with him and Kate taken prisoner by the Others? Fantastic stuff by Sawyer for 6 straight weeks, there. Josh Holloway, you are officially awesome.
Bless you, Josh…..Blosh.
15– Jack and Juliet are hiding something from Kate and the rest of the castaways, but it might not exactly be an evil thing. Juliet seems to know that she’s pregnant, and she’s also aware of the upcoming raid on the women. However, knowing that Juliet does not necessarily want to conspire with Ben, she could have spilled the beans to Jack, and are planning some type of resistance to set up the Season Finale.
Or…she really is a vapid bitch that’s going to slaughter everyone in 3 weeks. Time will tell.
16– I’m only going to say this one more damn time. The castaways are not dead. The castaways are not in purgatory, Hell or Heaven. Whatever wreckage was found was either incorrect or planted by conspirators in some way. If I hear somebody tell me that they have the show ‘figured out’ by telling me that the castaways are dead, I’m honestly going to find the nearest clock tower and start shooting.
Seriously, they’re not dead. Seriously.
23– Kate is pregnant. Kate is pregnant. Kate is pregnant. Kate is pregnant. Kate is pregnant.
42– I wonder if Kate is pregnant? Do you think she might be pregnant?
All right, spoiler nerds, cover your eyes! Here comes The Preview!
4– Episode 20 is titled, “The Man Behind The Curtain.” It will be Ben-centric. Expect googlie-eyes and vague homosexuality abound. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
8– The official press release from ABC reads: “Ben begrudgingly begins to introduce Locke to the secrets of the island, beginning with the mysterious Jacob. Meanwhile, Juliet’s secret goes public.” Considering the subject matter of this episode, it might be the biggest and baddest as far as island mythology goes. Should be absolutely amazing, considering that these flashbacks will go back to the 70’s.
Ben as a child? Yup, still creepy and fruity as all get out. I bet he listens to The Best Of Bread and knits in his room all day.
15– Here’s a few spoiler tidbits concerning the episode:
A) Carlton Cuse sez’: “Ben has been in love. We will get a ‘sense’ of it.“
The CDP sez’: What sense is he referring to, here? God, I hope it’s not ‘taste.’
B) Carlton also sez’: “We’ll see Dharma before the purge and we might see how they repelled the smoke monster with the sonic fence.“
The CDP sez’: If there’s a sure-fire way to repell something, it’s with Old Spice.
C) E! Online sez’: “I hear we’re going to meet Ben’s mommy and daddy. We will get much more info about Ben’s origins and the origins of the island.“
The CDP sez’: Oooh, origins! I love origins!
16– SpoilerFix sez’: “Someone you wouldn’t expect to see wearing a Dharma suit will appear in episode 20. There will be a big, epic, shocking scene. We will see more Dharma vans. Roger wasn’t the only workman.“
I’m a sucker for anything DHARMA related. To me, it represents one of the coolest aspects of the show. The remnants of this weird social community; that’s rad as hell to me. It’s like the Mormons, only with slightly less murders.
23– If you haven’t already picked this up, Episode 20 will be a huge episode concerning the beginnings of the DHARMA Initiative and how it all came to be. Dr. Marvin Candle will be back, the DeGroot’s will be back, and we might actually hear all about Jacob, the mysterious “Him” everyone keeps talking about.
Locke’s probably gunna poop himself. You might want to DVR that.
42– After episode 20, there are only 2 more episodes to go this season. Episode 21 will be Charlie-centric, and the 2-hour Season Finale will be Jack-centric. Then, and only then, will I be able to rest. And by ‘rest,’ I mean ‘quit.’
Well, there it is, folks. The biggest and baddest Lost Friday of the season. As the episodes wind down, Lost Friday will only grow, so be sure to start the conversation in the comments section and send all erotic photography to firstname.lastname@example.org. If you want to donate some cash to the CDP or buy some of our amazing merch, check out the links at the top of the sidebar.
Once you’re done marveling at why I’m not a brazillionaire author by now, please stop by The Coconut Internet and say hello. As always, here are links to every Lost Friday so far this season. Thanks for reading, jerks; I’ll see you again on Monday.
Season 3 Preview
Season 3 – Episode 1 Review
Season 3 – Episode 2 Review
Season 3 – Episode 3 Review
Season 3 – Episode 4 Review
Season 3 – Episode 5 Review
Season 3 – Episode 6 Review
Season 3 – Episode 7 Review
Season 3 – Episode 8 Review
Season 3 – Episode 9 Review
Season 3 – Episode 10 Review
Season 3 – Episode 11 Review
Season 3 – Episode 12 Review
Season 3 – Episode 13 Review
Season 3 – Episode 14 Review
Season 3 – Episode 15 Review
Season 3 – Episode 16 Review
Season 3 – Episode 17 Review
Season 3 – Episode 18 Review