Season 3 – Episode 22/23: “Through The Looking Glass.”
The final Lost Friday of 2007 is upon us. We have much to dis–
You know what? Let’s change things up a little, ‘eh? Go hog-freaking-wild, you know? I mean, it’s the last recap of the year, why not try something different, right? Hold onto your caps and glasses, kids, because I’m about to go off the rails.
The final Lost Friday of 2007 is upon us. Hold onto your caps and glasses.
Wow…that felt good. It’s nice to get crazy every now and again, but let’s put our pants back on and get down to serious business.
I tried to warn you turds; I really did. I tried to explain to everyone that this season would boast an ending more pants-wettingly crazy than anything we’ve seen on Lost so far. I told people that it would be mind-blowing, and I begged folks to watch the episode with an open mind and accept the fate that the writers and producers have given to the storyline and plot development. They haven’t steered us wrong yet, why would they do it now? I desperately pleaded this case with readers, preparing them for what was about to unfold. The game was about to seriously change, and I wanted folks to merely think it over before they stormed out of their collective living rooms in a huff, exclaimed that Lost had jumped the shark for the fourteenth damn time and fell asleep in the crawl space with their cat.
(Upon seeing who won the 2004 Election, Jack decides to end it as quickly as possible.)
So, what happened? Well, just like the other two Lost season finales, there is confusion, frustration and the assured confidence that the writers have utterly destroyed the great wonder that they have created. Without question, the folks at ABC have no idea what they’re doing anymore.
To that, I say “Have you people lost your Goddamn minds? Have you?“
This finale was tremendous. It had more action than Season 2, more mysteries and questions than Season 1, and offered an entirely new dimension with which the story will be told in Season 4. Even though I was fully spoiled going into the episode, it still exceeded my expectations and left me shaking when it was all over. Face it, Lost brought the pain on Wednesday night, and you kids simply have no clue how to handle the idea of a television show handing you your own ass.
Well buck up, because it’s time for the Thick & Meaty.
AT THAT ONE PLACE WHERE THOSE OTHERS LIVE ON THE ISLAND:
Ben’s world is starting to crumble around him. His lies are catching up with him; his followers are starting to catch onto his false plans and realize that he’s not being entirely honest with them. A mutiny is on the horizon, yet Ben scrapes and claws to maintain control, looking pathetic and weak in the process. Now he knows how George W. Bush must feel most nights.
Dear sweet Lord above me in Heaven, hear me clearly when I say that I hate that man.
Richard is pissed, Alex is pissed and Mikhail is double pissed with a single eye. Ben sends out Patchie to take care of Charlie in the Looking Glass, and heads off with Alex to cut Jack and the castaways off at the radio tower. Once there, he’s going to give Alex up to the castaways, as he’s sick of her blasting Fall Out Boy at full volume all hours of the night while dry-humping Karl.
Was that too much? I can’t even tell anymore.
<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v295/Hathery/0322BenFruity.jpg" alt="
AT THAT ONE BEACH WHERE THOSE PLANE CRASH PEOPLE IS:
Ten of the Others show up and start their fetus-snatching heist, but seven are instantly (and awesomely) killed when Sayid and Bernard detonate the dynamite (with some additional gunplay by Jin). Eventually, the three castaways are taken prisoner and Bernarc sings like a Stool Pigeon getting raped by 20 Latino guys with teardrop tattoos on their cheeks.
Bernarc. Let it sink in, kids.
While the three Others are holding the three Castaways, Sawyer and Juliet sneak up just in time to see Hurley obliterate one of the Others with the Dharma van. After that distraction, Sayid goes all ‘crazed Iraqi torturer’ on a dude and breaks his neck with his legs. Tom surrenders, but Sawyer caps him anyway, as he long promised swift justice for his kidnapping of Waaaaaalt.
That’s cold. Clearly, Sawyer has gotten over his fear of murdering people. Again.
(“I only want onions on half, and God help you if there’s any sausage on it.”)
IN THAT ONE DHARMA GRAVE WITH ALL THE CORPSES WHERE LOCKE IS:
Locke, while attempting to hold his small intestine in, spots a gun on one of the Dharma corpses. Just as he’s about to commit suicide, Waaaaaallllt shows up and tells him that he might want to consider getting out of the hole and leaving, instead. It makes sense, so Locke complies.
Waaaaaallllt then slam dunks a basketball, because he’s 19 years old and 8 feet tall.
(“You all, gingivitis!”)
IN THAT ONE UNDERWATER HATCH WITH THE LADIES, THE EYE PATCH GUY, THE BEARD GUY AND THAT HEROIN BASS-PLAYER GUY:
Charlie is acting like a top-notch dick in the Looking Glass, knowing full well that he has a temporary lease on life and probably won’t make it out a free man. As you would assume, he gets the crap beaten out of him for his troubles. On the surface of the water, Desmond wakes up, puts his jaw back together and dodges a few bullets from Mikhail on the shore. He dives into the hatch and surfaces just in time to almost get shot again. You’d think he would have seen that coming, Mister Flashy McFutureflash.
The two ladies are confused, as they are starting to think that Ben’s sort of a liar that wants everyone to stay on the island to fulfill his Utopian society of walkie-talkies and not bathing. Mikhail shows up and starts shooting, killing Greta and wounding that other girl…Bonnie something or other. Then, just for the hell of it, Desmond nails Mikhail with the spear gun. Mikhail, however, is immortal, so he just pulls it out and makes himself a sandwich in the Mess Hall.
<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v295/Hathery/0322ClaireBitch.jpg" alt="
(“Have you seen my BAAAAY-BEEEEE?!?!”)
Eventually, Charlie figures out the code to un-jam the communication system, and instantly receives a transmission from Penny. She tells him that Naomi and her team do not work for her, just as Mikhail appears outside of the porthole and detonates a grenade. Knowing his fate, Charlie saves Desmond by sealing the door and sinking into the abyss. However, he informs Desmond that Naomi is up to no good before he goes out in what has to be the best death in Lost history. Maybe even a little too good for a wanker like Charlie.
Desmond leaves, with his knowledge that Penny is still looking for him and that Naomi is not on the Good Team, which leads us to our Question Of The Week:
If you were seconds from death, what message would you Sharpie onto your palm?
A) Don’t sell my figurines.
B) CLAPTON RULEZ!
D) Wow, it really IS waterproof!
E) Help me, idiot.
Of course, the answer is “Tell my family that I love them, make sure my cats are fed and tell my student loan officers to stick their 10% interest straight up their asses, cuz I ain’t payin anymore’.” Let’s move on.
(“Crap, down to my last Smartie.”)
AT THAT ONE RADIO TOWER WHERE THAT MESSAGE HAD BEEN PLAYING FOR 16 YEARS BY THAT FRENCH WOMAN THAT’S THERE ON THE ISLAND WITH THE CASTAWAYS AND HER DAUGHTER THAT WAS TAKEN FROM HER:
As Jack is leading the castaways to the radio tower, they only hear 2 of the 3 explosions and start to get all whiny about husbands being dead or some pointless crap. Juliet and Sawyer head back to see what’s up, and Hurley looks for his van, as he left a steak inside of it.
And with that, I’ve officially made my last ‘Hurley is fat’ joke of the year. It was a struggle, but I pulled it off, and I couldn’t have done it without you guys. Thanks.
Ben cuts the castaways off and asks to speak with Jack for a few minutes. He claims that Naomi is not who she claims to be, and that by calling her boat for help, the island will be eradicated. Jack says ‘screw that static’ and dismisses him. Ben pretends to have Tom kill the three prisoners, so Jack proceeds to give him a good ole’-fashioned ass whipping. It was great; I watched it twice.
(This is what happens when you accidentally spoil someone on The Coconut Internet.)
Rousseau and Alex meet up and share a bonding moment in tying Ben to a tree and taking turns whaling on him.
At the tower, Hurley contacts Jack and lets him know about what all went down on the beach. People are understandably pleased. Naomi is about to get a signal on her phone when Locke shows up and heaves a knife into her back, killing her pretty much instantly. Locke warns Jack not to make the rescue call, but Jack does so anyway and reaches a man supposedly on Naomi’s rescue boat. Everyone cheers when they find out that help is on the way, but we all know it’s just going to be another wave of jerks that want to kill these nice people with checkered pasts.
(“Could you kindly restart my heart?”)
IN JACK’S FLASHBACKS THAT ARE REALLY FLASH-FORWARDS BUT YOU DON’T FIND THAT OUT UNTIL THE VERY END OF THE SHOW BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO SURPRISE YOU WITH IT:
Jack is all messed up on the pills and booze. He’s pretty much looking just like his dad, only he’s sporting one of the more amazing beards I’ve seen on TV in awhile. Far too cool to be sported by Matthew Fox, at least. Not only that, but he’s rocking Aviator Shades! And a denim jacket! While listening to Nirvana!
Damn, maybe Jack and I could be friends, provided he stay a depressed addict. He’s far more hip this way.
Upon reading the obituary of an unknown person, Jack contemplates suicide, only to witness a car crash and work his hero magic on them. Later on at the hospital, he has a depressing run-in with his ex-wife, who is very pregnant and doesn’t want anything to do with him. Boy, I’ve been there, dude. If I had a nickel for every pregnant ex-wife I’ve ran into at the hospital, I’d be eating nickel soup with a spoon made of nickels.
(1,500 different diseases just passed from Juliet to Jack. Hope it was worth it!)
As Jack continues to spiral out of control at work and elsewhere, he continues to try to get a hold of someone. Presumably, a hotline for guys that cry way too much for no reason. He shows up to the funeral of the mysterious person, and finds out that he was the only one that arrived. He pays his respects and heads back out, stealing all the flower arrangements in the process.
An especially depressing scene takes place in a pharmacy, when Jack is unable to get his prescription filled. He is recognized as a hero as he freaks out and falls over a rack of sunglasses. Seriously, this flash-forward is on par with John Locke and the Chicago Cubs for being about the saddest thing I can possibly handle.
(Rated TV-14 for Graphic Socket Action.)
During the last 5 minutes, things start to come into focus as we see Jack in his apartment, surrounded by various maps and atlases (atli?). He finally gets a hold of the mysterious woman on the phone, who turns out to be Kate. Jack confesses to her that he’s been flying across the Pacific a whole lot in the hopes of crashing back on the island again. He tells her that he’s “sick of lying” and needs to go back to the island to presumably make things right. Kate leaves and Jack continues his breakdown in the airport parking lot, shouting “We have to go back!.“
Smash cut; season over. I’m shattered and need a drink.
If Matthew Fox ever had an inkling of a chance to win a best actor Emmy, this episode would do it for him. It was, without question, his best television acting to date, even amongst an amazing cast of ringers that should be bringing Emmys home in wheelbarrows. Good on you, dude, that was awesome.
Hey…speaking of awesome…
Today’s topic is the 5 Awesome Things… Season Finale Award Show!
1) Best Ass Whipping Award – Sawyer kills Anthony Cooper (“The Brig“).
Not even a roundhouse kick could keep this from winning the award. Sayid killed a dude with his feet, Kate and Juliet rolled around in the mud and Jack gave Ben a 30-second bloodletting, but nothing had as much depth or emotion than when Sawyer took out the douchebag that led to the death of his parents.
2) Best Nudity Award – Desmond emerges (“Further Instructions”).
Kate and Sawyer may have had a hot and sweaty sex scene, and even Sun rolled in the hay with that Asian cue-ball, but Desmond emerging from the imploded hatch sans-pants was unexpected, unnecessary and absolutely hilarious. Add that to his wearing of Hurley’s oversized t-shirt for the rest of the episode, and you have television gold.
(Man, they must have spackled the Vaseline onto the lens with a trowel.)
3) Lifetime Bad-Ass Award – Mr. Eko (Various Episodes).
Sure, he may have died 5 episodes into the season after the Smoke Monster bashed him to pieces against a tree, but did you expect anything less from Mr. Eko? Do you remember when Sawyer and Michael washed up on the shoreline of the Tail Section folk, and Eko burst out of the jungles with that big-ass stick of his? Was it or was it not the scariest thing ever on the show? Godspeed, Mr. Eko. We still miss the way you’d kill people with rocks and stuff.
4) Insanely Beautiful Award – Achara (“Stranger In A Strange Land“).
Don’t even try to argue with me on this one. Achara was so insanely beautiful that it hurt.
5) Straight Blowin’ S#%t Up Award – John Locke (Various Episodes).
He’s been directly responsible for the destruction of two hatches (and he blew up the Swan hatch twice), one radio transmitter, Jacob’s shack and a freaking submarine. I’m so used to seeing things explode behind him that I think he might actually work for WWE.
Okay, enough breaking things down….let’s Break It Down!
4– It’s crazy to think that this episode was 2 hours long, and Locke was on camera for probably 3 minutes, tops. That’s like the Red Sox benching David Ortiz in Game 7! That’s like the Colts having Peyton Manning clean the locker rooms during the Super Bowl! That’s like taking the best player on your professional sports team, and making them do something else when they could be positively attributing to what’s taking place on his or her respective fields!
Heh-heh…just cracked myself up, there.
8– In the flash-forwards, Jack was using a Motorola KRZR, which wasn’t released until the end of 2006. Not only is this a clue as to when the flash-forward took place, but it solidifies the fact that Jack is a jerk. Also, the name of the funeral home was “Hoffs/Drawlar“, which is an anagram for “flash-forward.“
I’m glad it meant something, because those were two stupid-sounding names, right there.
<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v295/Hathery/0322WaltPerch.jpg" alt="
15– No, I don’t know who was in the damn casket. At first, I thought it was Sawyer, but now I believe that Sawyer is on the run with Kate in the present-day. Beats me; I don’t know, stop asking. People have tried to decipher what little scraps of the obituary showed up on camera, but we really have no idea what it said. Keep fighting the good fight, Internet Nerds!
16– With this new direction in storytelling, there comes another wave of questions that just can’t be answered right now. Instead of filling in the gaps that led the castaways onto Oceanic 815, we’re now going to be seeing what has happened to get them off of the island and into the present-day. Some folks insist that the ending has been ruined because we know that Jack and Kate are rescued from the island; I say bull rip. Leaving the island has nothing to do with the end of the show.
Bull rip, I say!
(Meet Sayid: The Scariest Man In The World.)
23– Was it just me, or were there 45 minutes of commercials this week? I couldn’t believe it; every 10 minutes, another 4 minutes of commercials. There’s simply not supposed to be that many commercials during a standard two-hour broadcast, check the manual.
42– For the record, I didn’t get emotional over Charlie’s death, I didn’t think for a second that Jin, Bernard and Sayid had been killed, and I didn’t bat an eyelash when Jack told Kate that he loved her.
But when Jack knocked over that sunglasses display…man, I wanted to bawl for days. I still want to, actually.
Sit back, wipe the crust out of your eyes and prepare for The Preview!
X– The Season 4 Premiere isn’t until February. Let’s hold off on discussion until at least the holiday season, mmkay?
Well folks, there you have it. The last Lost Friday of the year. I want to thank everyone who has stopped by every week, sent e-mails and commented here at the CDP. For those of you who just stop by on Fridays, please know that Lost Friday is just a small fraction of the crap I throw against the wall here. Stick around during the Summer and check the archives for anything and everything you might have missed. Again, thank you. Now please buy a t-shirt.
(“Wow, we can get porn on this thing!”)
Sound off in the comments section, send all erotic photography to firstname.lastname@example.org and check out The Coconut Internet when you’re all finished. Below are links to every Lost Friday for Season 3; enjoy them at your leisure.
Season 3 Preview
Season 3 – Episode 1 Review
Season 3 – Episode 2 Review
Season 3 – Episode 3 Review
Season 3 – Episode 4 Review
Season 3 – Episode 5 Review
Season 3 – Episode 6 Review
Season 3 – Episode 7 Review
Season 3 – Episode 8 Review
Season 3 – Episode 9 Review
Season 3 – Episode 10 Review
Season 3 – Episode 11 Review
Season 3 – Episode 12 Review
Season 3 – Episode 13 Review
Season 3 – Episode 14 Review
Season 3 – Episode 15 Review
Season 3 – Episode 16 Review
Season 3 – Episode 17 Review
Season 3 – Episode 18 Review
Season 3 – Episode 19 Review
Season 3 – Episode 20 Review
Season 3 – Episode 21 Review
Season 3 Finale – Lost Monday
Season 3 Finale – Lost Tuesday
Season 3 Finale – Lost Wednesday