CDP Wayback Machine – DWI Edition.

Dave Thomas Was A Saint, You Ass!
(“Would You Like Lies With That?” – Originally Published 05/02/06.)

Last week, I made a late-night run to Wendy’s for a baked potato. I wasn’t necessarily in the mood for a baked potato; I was just in the mood for anything I could digest and convert into waste matter.

At the time, I hadn’t gone grocery shopping in approximately eight months and was beginning to eat things I found in the windowsills. My sheer laziness and apathy for all things foodal prevented me from driving the sixty yards to the market and filling up on whatever my hungry heart desired. Instead, it made more sense to waste money and eat garbage until my body could take no more.

Usually it was Taco Bell that got my business late at night, but tonight I was in the mood for a lawn bag full of french fries, handed to me by someone who spoke english.

I pulled into the barren Wendy’s parking lot with the intention of using the drive-thru. As I went around back I was recklessly cut off out of nowhere by a busted-ass minivan. The van had used the side entrance and floored it just to get in front of me. Certainly, this person was exceedingly hungry; far too famished to wait the extra fifteen seconds it would have taken me to grab my items and hit the road. I felt bad for him, in a way. You really shouldn’t have to wait so long for nourishment that it becomes a life-or-death thing, especially in a country that sells cheese in a spray can.

A little angry, but more confused than anything, I waited behind him as he slurred loudly into the menu box. Watching the reflection in the van’s side mirror, I saw that it was some mustached, 20-year-old turd, eyes glazed over by the gallon of gin he washed down shortly before taking the wheel.

Fantastic. Maybe it was better that he was in front of me.

I shook my head and reached down to grab my wallet when I saw my dashboard start to illuminate. I looked up just in time to see the van backing up towards my car. Alone at the time, my lips parted and I squeaked ‘whhaasaa?!’ as I threw my wallet down and fumbled with the gearshift to get the hell out of this guy’s way. I backed up about a yard when he finally stopped and went forward, ending up right where he started, just in front of the speaker.

I kept my distance. This man was so hungry he was clearly capable of anything.

I was just getting my bearings together when I saw the driver waving something out of his window. What could it be? A gun? A knife? A more focused glance revealed that it was a $20 bill, which he was thrusting towards the speaker.

Read that again; let it wash all over you. He was presenting his money to the magic voice in the box. I jest you not.

After about ten seconds of this, he must have realized that the menu display wasn’t going to take his money in exchange for food, so he pulled up to the window. By the time I made my order and got up behind him, an actual human being had finally confiscated this fool’s cash and hopefully his license.

I guess what the guy wanted was going to take a while, so the cashier told him to pull out front, and they would bring it out to him when it was ready. If he was as drunk as I thought he was, chances are he ordered the entire left quadrant of the menu, only to eat one fry and puke in the bag once he received his meal.

So, the cashier tells him to pull out front, the guy nods, rolls up his window and calmly drives away. Right out into the street and down the highway. Keep in mind that he already paid.

I’ll bet that sometime later in the evening, that guy’s going to say to his friends, “I’m hungry, we should go to Wendy’s!”

34 thoughts on “CDP Wayback Machine – DWI Edition.

  1. <>Usually it was Taco Bell that got my business late at night, but tonight I was in the mood for a lawn bag full of french fries, handed to me by someone who spoke english.<>Made me laugh then, made me laugh now. It stands up.


  2. I love when you bring the classics out for another round. I had forgotten about this one, and it definitely made my morning.


  3. Thank you, sir.When I do the Wayback Machine, I always try to find something from 1-3 years ago that same week. Even though this particular post is brief and insignificant, it’s funny as hell and 100% true.One of my favorites, as well.


  4. My word…those mke folks aren’t on top ‘o their game either. They said the voting ended on 4/18! They shouldn’t give deadlines if they aren’t going to adhere to them.


  5. That’s the problem when I do the Spork Nation Remix. I only have a little over a year’s worth of content, so it’s almost not far enough back to worry about.


  6. Wow, CDP. I have had some pretty intense Wendy’s experiences as well. Once, on a lonely summer night I walked to Wendy’s, and there was an old-person’s convention celebrating at it. I had to call for a ride because one old man was following me.


  7. <>HATHERY<>– I guess the finalists will be announced this afternoon. We’ll see if I’m amongst them.<>JT<>– Yeah, I didn’t do any Wayback Machine stuff until after at least 2 years of material was written. Look at it like <>The Simpsons<>; after 400 episodes, you’re allowed to do a clip show every few months. Like you, though, I also re-post things that I know didn’t get the respect it was due at that particular time.<>CARGIRL<>– <>“Hey little girl….wanna Frosty?”<>Creepy. Furthermore, old people shouldn’t be up after 6pm anyway. You should carry a tazer.


  8. As someone who is always punctual and on time with his posts, this is a serious sore spot with me.Entertain people.Keep your promises.<>DO YOUR JOB!<>


  9. CDP – Remember thos pictures I’ve been threatening to take and post with my roommate and I under the crucifix with wedding rings? They’re coming soon. They’re taken, I just need to crop and PhotoShop them a bit.Also, the moonshine I promised has not been forgotten, I just haven’t hung out with the guy I normally get shine from recently.Yeah, some people have a weed guy, I’ve got a shine guy.


  10. I don’t smoke weed, but I could get into possession of some within 5 minutes if I really wanted to.Moonshine, on the other hand… I’d have absolutely no idea where to look. I could honestly get Crack and DMT in this town faster than I could get my hands on some ‘shine.And moonshine’s <>legal<>!….I guess it’s not.


  11. I haven’t been there since last July, when I popped in for some water because I was standing in their parking lot for a parade.Damn….that was a pretty funny sentence.But yeah, though…don’t eat at Wendy’s.


  12. Can I please keep eating at Wendy’s? Although they’re not exactly 5-star cuisine, they’re the only fast food place near my house that:1. Gets my order correct2. I’m not worried that the employees are going to stab me, like at Hardee’s3. The food doesn’t make me almost immediately nauseous, like McDonald’s.


  13. Hardees= amazing fries.McDonald’s= not-so-amazing fries (plus not veggie friendly)Wendy’s= mediocre fries, but no fear of death when ordering.


  14. CDP, you’ll be happy to know that someone from Coimbatore, Tamil Nadu, India voted for your blog for “Best Blog About Stuff” on the Blogger’s Choice Awards. You really need to start promoting this…


  15. JT- I’ll allow it!HATHERY- When is the voting period for this contest? I just don’t want this interfering with the Hugo Cup at all. The earliest I can start the promoting is May 5.


  16. I dunno…the Postiecon is June 5th or something to that effect. I just think it’s a good idea to get some votes so your blog will be dragged to the forefront. Forefront= more hits.


  17. I pretty much just have the 3 ‘official’ ones that are at the top of my page. Each of them takes you to a different one of the 3 catagories I’m nominated for.Rawk.


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