Lost Friday – "Expose’."

Lost Friday - Expose'.
Season 3 – Episode 14: “Expose’.

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss, so calm right the hell down.

Man alive, people have been jumping all over this episode. The nerds are wetting their pants about continuity errors, the intellectuals are complaining about the over-the-top storyline, and everyone’s complaining about the Tales From The Crypt-style 3rd Act. Furthermore, everyone walked away from this episode despising Nikki and Paulo far more than they already did. Man, is that even possible? Could I be using more italics in this paragraph?

I don’t get it.

Seriously, this episode was brilliant. You should be applauding the writers that created it. Getting down on your chubby knees, wiping the powdered sugar off of your collective maws and kissing the bronze feet of Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz.

Bless you, Lost.

Blost.

You got a very innovative flashback/flash-forward storytelling style, the return of Shannon and (bisexual) Boone (I’ll explain later), new footage masterfully mixed in with Pilot footage, a spot-on satire of Soap Operas, a pre-explosion Dr. Arzt, giant poisonous spiders, Billy Dee Freaking Williams, a fat guy playing ping-pong, and arguably two of the most brutal deaths I’ve ever seen on mainstream television.

QUIT. YOUR. BITCHING.

Why didn’t Paulo tell anyone about the Beechcraft and the Pearl station? Why didn’t he tell anyone about the walkie-talkie? Why didn’t he tell anyone about the conversation he overheard between Ben and Juliet?

Well, because he’s a stone-cold idiot, that’s why. And a real douchebag to boot. You already knew that these two people were complete and utter knob-nozzles, so what made you think that this episode would change your mind? After weeks of wishing that these two auxiliary players would just shut up and die already, your wishes were granted in the most grandiose of fashions. I mean, Sawyer buried this chick alive, bent over her her tomb and said “Thanks for nothing,” while she slowly suffocated under two feet of sand.

If that’s not bad ass, I really don’t know what is.

Wow, it's the Crypt Keeper!

Greetings, Boils and Ghouls! Tonight’s terrifying tale of traumatic torture is about two lovers who fight over some die-monds and bury the hatchet…. Alive, that is! BLAH-HAHAHAHA!!!

Wow…sorry about that, everyone. Here’s the Thick & Meaty!

Thick And Meaty.

OFF-ISLAND FLASHBACKS:

Because Nikki is completely void of decent acting skills (both the character and the woman who plays her), she naturally gets a job working on a Soap Opera. This is supposedly her ‘big break,’ and she’s shooting her scene in Sydney.

A few boobs and a mess of gunshots later, we find out that Nikki has developed an ongoing relationship with Howard, the producer of the show. As a side note, if you’re an aspiring actress (or confused actor) attempting to sleep your way to the top, please realize that a Soap Opera is about as close to the ‘top’ as shooting an Arby’s commercial in Thailand. You might want to consider setting that bar a twitch higher next time.

But fear not! Nikki has a plan. It involves poisoning her Aaron Spelling-like Sugar Daddy, swiping his 8 million dollar diamond stash and making off with his personal chef, Paulo. This goes about as well as you would hope, and they eventually wind up on Oceanic 815.

ON-ISLAND FLASHBACKS:

Shortly after the plane crashes, we are once again treated to the single most annoying scene in Lost history, Shannon screaming at the top of her lungs for absolutely no reason. How this shot has managed to work its way into no less than 10 episodes is anyone’s guess.

Instantly, Nikki and Paulo start looking for their bag with the diamonds in it. Thinking they will be rescued at any moment, they realize that they have to find the bag fairly quickly. Ethan Rom shows up, proudly sporting a Wisconsin sweatshirt, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s 100% NOT EVIL.

Hey, I’m not an Other,” he says. “Need anyone killed?

With the help of Dr. Explodiepants, Nikki and Paulo head out in search of their missing bag. They instead stumble upon the Beechcraft and Pearl Station, marking the first of about a hundred billion things that they should have told someone about, but didn’t.

Eventually, Paulo finds the bag at the bottom of the waterfall. He tells Nikki that he didn’t find it, however; opting to temporarily hide the Matryoshka doll in his butthole.

Paulo (understandably) gets sick of this after awhile, so he heads down into the Pearl to hide the diamonds. While he’s busy stuffing them into the toilet tank, Ben and Juliet show up and engage in one of the worst batches of dialogue I’ve ever seen. It served no relevance to the story, other than to make it look like Paulo was around for some of the more important Island moments. They eventually leave and Paulo swipes their walkie-talkie, which he never once uses or even mentions to anybody.

ASS.

A few days later, Locke leads an expedition back to the Pearl Station, which Nikki and Paulo tag along to. Paulo grabs the diamonds again, keeping alive the theory that every time someone goes into a bathroom, they’re doing something evil. Eventually, Nikki figures out that Paulo has the diamonds and looks to shoot him (seems understandable). Sawyer refuses to give her a gun without a 7-day waiting period. She grabs a spider instead.

Here it comes, so pay attention:

Nikki brings Paulo into the jungle and confronts him about having the diamonds. He feigns ignorance but she shows him the nicotine gum, proving he has found their bags. She takes out one of Dr Arzt’s specimen jars, opens it, and flings a Medusa spider at Paulo. It lands on his neck and bites him. He kills it, and it’s remains stuck to his hand. She tells him that it’s called the Medusa spider because it paralyzes the victim for around 8 hours and slows the heart. Paulo collapses and can’t move. Nikki calmly begins to search him for the diamonds, at first guessing that they are hidden in his shoe. She takes off his shoe and throws it into a tree. She opens his pants and finds the pouch in his underwear. Paulo tells her he took the diamonds because he was afraid of losing her if she found the diamonds and didn’t need him anymore. Nikki is distracted as many Medusa spiders, attracted by the scent of the smashed female spider, march towards the pair. Nikki is bitten by one and she runs away. Nikki runs through the jungle, stops suddenly and digs a hole, burying the diamonds, then continues running. On the beach, Sawyer and Hurley are playing ping-pong when Nikki staggers towards them and collapses, mumbling “paralyzed.”

REAL-TIME EVENTS:

The only thing you need to know here is that Nikki and Paulo were accidentally buried alive by Sawyer and Hurley; unaware that they were the victims of a paralyzing spider bite. Rawk!

Just think of it as like Romeo and Juliet, only with people that we couldn’t care less about.

So… more like the re-make of Romeo and Juliet.

WHY BOONE IS GAY (or at least bi-sexual):

The writers and producers of this show kept hinting and claiming that one of the characters would be outed this week, and they kept their end of the bargain, regardless of if they were just screwing with us.

In the airport scene with Shannon and Boone, Shannon remarks that they’re late for the flight because Boone kept ‘flirting with random guys.’ Ta-Dah!

Yeah, it’s pretty weak. But it is funny and the producers deserve extra points for getting people all fired up for a throwaway joke. Bravo, that was awesome.

Speaking of awesome, here are 5 Awesome Things!

5 Awesome Things...

This week’s topic is: 5 Awesome Things… Better Than Bulletproof Breasts.

Early on in the episode, we were treated to this ridiculous and downright trashy excerpt of dialogue between Nikki and Howard. I’m paraphrasing, but it went something like this:

Old Guy:You know, we could write your character back onto the show.”
Whore:I was shot six times.”
Old Guy:We could say you were wearing a bulletproof vest.
(Whore opens her robe to reveal nothing but a skimpy top)
Old Guy: “…Or bulletproof breasts.

That got me to thinking. While that might be a useful superpower every now and again, there must be better ones out there. Here now, my findings.

1 – Waterproof Weiner.

2 – Shockproof Scrotum.

3 – Retractable Rectum.

4 – Nothing.

5 – Purple Nurpleproof Nurples.

Enough Mommy and Daddy talk. Let’s Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 – I’ll admit that I had some serious doubts about this episode for about the first half-hour. Once I saw how wonderfully they interwove the old and new footage, along with the stereotypical Soap Opera ending (a great call-back reference and a fitting climax), I made the distinction that this was one of the more original and clever episodes of Lost I’ve seen in awhile.

Sure, the scene with Juliet and Ben was unnecessarily tacked-on, and served no purpose other than to place Paulo ‘in the moment’ with some vital (and unshared) information. The dialogue was clunky and essentially made Ben and Juliet, two fantastic actors, look a bit weak. Other than that, however, I geeked out at the conclusion just the same.

Tell me you geeked out. Tell me. Come on, you know how I like it.

8 – I like how every time they came back from a flashback, they showed a close-up of one of the two corpses. They really wanted to pound home the idea that these two people were very much dead and not at all paralyzed by a rare poisonous spider.

Wait, what?

Man, from reading some of these plot outlines, you’d get the impression that Lost is the most scattershot and unbelievably ridiculous show on television. How they manage to tie it together without coming off like absolute nutbags and hacks is beyond me.

15 – Best line of the night? “Who the hell is Nikki?

This was said by Sawyer just seconds after it was said by 6 million viewers of the show. I love how the writers acknowledged that Nikki and Paulo were never properly introduced, nor were they the least bit important during their brief tenure in front of the camera.

16 – Paulo had about 5 lines of dialogue this week, and nearly every single one of them was unintelligible. Who taught this guy to speak English, Ricardo Montalban?

I just LOVE incredibly recent television nostalgia.
(“Ricardo Montalban?”)

23 – The first 15 minutes were about as predictable as you can get. I called the Soap Opera thing about 5 seconds in, and the Old Producer double-cross about a minute later. I did, however, like the Pulp Fiction-esque handling of the diamonds until the 3rd act. For awhile I was operating under the assumption that there was a monkey’s paw stuffed in that velvet bag. Or Marcellus Wallace’s soul.

Best movie ever.

42 – As the episode was winding down, and we all became informed that Nikki and Paulo were, in fact, being buried alive, I was standing in my living room, shouting “Smash cut! Smash cut!” at the screen. I was so worried that Nikki would spring back to life before they had the chance to bury her, I just wanted the episode to end as quickly as possible. If the episode ended, I thought, then they were truly dead and not coming back to my television next week.

As it were, I’d only accept seeing them again if they were zombies. Now that would be cool.

Cover your ears! Divert your vision from my sexiness! Here comes The Preview!

The Preview - Just for you, baby.

4 – Episode 15 will be titled “Left Behind.” It will be Kate-centric. Expect tank-tops and greasiness aplenty.

8 – The official press release from ABC reads: “After discovering that one of her own has betrayed her to ‘The Others,’ Kate is left to fend for herself in the jungle with Juliet. Meanwhile, Hurley warns Sawyer to change his selfish ways and make amends with his fellow survivors or he may face a vote of banishment.

Come on, please stop softening Sawyer’s character. We already know he’s a halfway decent guy, just let him have his nicknames, beer and porn. It’s all most bearded guys will ever ask for.

15 – Expect to see more cat-and-mouse action between Kate and the Marshall in the flashbacks. I honestly don’t know what else there is to talk about in Kate’s past, but I guess we’ll have to see. We won’t be heading back to the Locke/Anthony storyline for 4 more weeks, so I fully expect this episode to hang around the house and chew scenery. Like Matthew Fox.

16 – I don’t know if you’ve seen the previews or not, but Juliet and Kate appear to be handcuffed together in the jungle, banished from the camp for one reason or another. This leads to an argument, which leads to the mother of all Castaway Catfights. If you’re a Juliet or Kate fan, you just may want to DVR this for future viewings.

Just sayin’.

23 – Remember Cassidy? The girl who had Sawyer’s baby (Clementine)? Well, she’ll be appearing in this episode for some reason. Keep an eye out for her, as it may raise some type of Kate-Sawyer off-island connection.

Or, maybe they’ll just throw her on there to be cutesy and appear clever. They do that sometimes.

42Wrestlemania 23 is this Sunday. Yes, I will be watching it, and yes, it costs $50.

No, I’m not a loser.

Well, maybe I am. Chicks dig me, though.

No. No they don’t.

Well, there you go. Another Lost Friday in the books. Start the discussion in the comments section, or send all private and erotic e-mail to communistdance@yahoo.com. If you feel like supporting the CDP in any way, you can buy some quality merch at the CDP Webstore, or simply make a PayPal donation (the link is in the sidebar). Once you’re done polishing my ego like a Buffalo Nickel, head on over to The Coconut Internet and say hello. They’ll be glad you did.

As always, here are links to every Lost Friday this season. They smell like pine and always tip over 30%. Have a good weekend, kids.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 – Episode 1 Review
Season 3 – Episode 2 Review
Season 3 – Episode 3 Review
Season 3 – Episode 4 Review
Season 3 – Episode 5 Review
Season 3 – Episode 6 Review
Season 3 – Episode 7 Review
Season 3 – Episode 8 Review
Season 3 – Episode 9 Review
Season 3 – Episode 10 Review
Season 3 – Episode 11 Review
Season 3 – Episode 12 Review
Season 3 – Episode 13 Review

The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

ASS.

(The following is a brief e-mail exchange between the Missus and myself at work this morning. If you were ever wondering how we interact as a couple, this should give you a decent understanding. It has been left unedited; the Missus’ comments are in green.)

Huz-

I think I’m going to stop at the PNS after work and grab a few items since I have no lunch items left. Do you need anything? I don’t want to go full-out grocery shopping b/c we still have quite a few things left, but let me know if you need something things.

Love, Wife

Sliced cheese (any Deli Select kind, if possible)
Mayo (REAL mayo)
Bread
Hamburger buns
That should keep me in business for another week.

Thanks, babe!

-Blabz

Blozzob-

What do you think about taking off the day after Easter? Since we’re going home and it’s a Sunday, maybe it would be nice to have the next day off? Lemme know what you think.

Love,
Globz

Done and done. I’m off.

-Shazbot.

Squazzo-

I have to check and make sure it’s okay, but it should be.

Love,
Bloznob

Glorp,

Shabbadoo-whoppa.

-Dongie-Doo.

Dronb-

Pweep.

-Blazmwag

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Seven Minutes In Heaven.

The CDP Is Far More Emo Than You.

1. “Hey, What’s With The Title Of This Post?”

Beats me. In my teen years, I never had the opportunity to partake in a game of ‘Seven Minutes In Heaven.’ In fact, I would have to say that I never played a game that directly resulted in some sort of sexual activity for me. Spin The Bottle and Strip Poker aside, of course, but that really doesn’t count. Those add up to nothing more than a foul tip in the Baseball game of Life.

When I was 14, I was invited by an 18-year-old to play her in a game of Strip Darts. I really liked this girl, and knew damn well that I was never going to get this kind of a chance again, but chickened out at the last minute. There I was, in her basement with what seemed to be the break of a lifetime, only to turn it down just like any typical 14 year old boy would eventually do. Just a brief scanning of the CDP Archives will remind you that the entire decade of the 90’s was just a series of older women screwing with my head.

Back in Middle School, I was so terrified of the increasing realities of sex that I attempted to avoid them at all costs. My insecurities in myself were at a fever pitch, as were the insecurities of most every boy in the 7th grade, really. Around that time, I vaguely remember being playfully locked in a basement with my then-girlfriend during a party; the raving mob urging us on to make out or something. Instead of taking it like a champ, I responded by busting the door off at the hinges. Her dad showed up, got mad, and everyone had to leave.

…..Smooooth.

I have no idea what prompted me to talk about this, but I thought it was interesting to mention. I’m sitting in the dark right now, listening to Asobi Seksu (beautiful and super-dreamy pop from NYC), and I guess I’m just feeling somberly reminiscent. Let’s bust out of this funk, shall we? All of these stories are for another place and another time; preferably when I have enough ambition to start producing short films.

2. “Hey, What Did You Do This Weekend?”

On Friday, I had some friends over for a spirited Guitar Hero and Mario Kart competition. Beforehand, they had seen Zach Galifianakis perform downtown, which was fantastic, from what they had shared with me. They left at midnight, opting to walk home in the beautiful moonlight and fog. Spring has finally arrived to southeast Wisconsin, and we’re plenty grateful.

The funny thing about Wisconsinites is that, at some point in late winter, we become completely defiant of the temperature and season. After being jerked around one too many times by Mother Nature, we collectively throw our winter coats into the backseat, and proclaim the start of spring. Sure, it may be just as cold as it was in January, but we get to the point where we just have to believe what we tell ourselves, so we don’t chop our family up in the attic. It’s a collective statewide temper tantrum, and I’m usually the first one to fall on my back and kick wildly into the air.

I also checked out 300 and Dead Silence. 300 was worth my time, and I got everything I expected out of it. Dead Silence was a wasted opportunity, and resembled an average episode of Tales From The Crypt at best. I wanted to be scared; it didn’t even come close to happening.

I spent the rest of my time watching the most boring NCAA tournament ever, and contemplating the purchase of an 80GB Video iPod. It’s going to become a reality next week, regardless of if I can afford it or not. As a somewhat-grown man, I’m allowed to make a completely unreasonable decision at an approximate rate of 2 per year. This is one of those occasions.

On Dateline NBC, Chris Hansen is leaving the child predators alone for a few weeks, in favor of tracking down proprietors of Nigerian e-mail scams. Dateline NBC, or the United States government for that matter, cannot legally arrest these people, but there’s nothing that says they can’t humiliate them on national television. It’s good TV that’s attempting to compete with American Idol, so check it out tomorrow if you get the chance.

3. “Hey, What Are You Listening To Right Now?”

Here are the last 10 albums I’ve listened to:

1. Mew – ‘Frengers
2. Asobi Seksu – ‘Citrus
3. Communique – ‘Walk Into The Light
4. Atari Teenage Riot – ‘Burn, Berlin, Burn
5. Arcade Fire – ‘Neon Bible
6. Bayside – ‘Sirens & Condolences
7. Death From Above 1979 – ‘You’re A Woman, I’m A Machine
8. Cursive – ‘The Ugly Organ
9. Smashing Pumpkins – ‘Rotten Apples
10. Modest Mouse – ‘We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank

I cannot tell you how cool it is to see Johnny Marr in Modest Mouse. It should also be mentioned that ‘Brianstorm,’ the new track by the Arctic Monkeys, is absolutely tremendous; you can view the equally fantastic video HERE. Morrissey is coming to Milwaukee in May, and I will be in the front row, pushing women and children aside for the chance to snag one of his many silk shirts.

4. “Hey, What Are You Reading Right Now?”

Mick Foley – The Hardcore Diaries
Davy Rothbart – Found! (Volumes 1 & 2)
Russ Kick – The Disinformation Book Of Lists

5. “Hey, What’s Up With This Hugo Cup Thing?”

We’ll talk about this on Lost Friday.

6. “Hey, You Look Really Hot In That Picture! Did you know that?”

Yeah, I did. Thanks for bringing it up, however.

7. “Hey, I Love Your Page. Can I Interview You Or Something?”

Believe it or not, I’ve had this request show up in my inbox recently. If you want to interview or contact me in any way for your own blog, send an e-mail to communistdance@yahoo.com. I’ve actually been contemplating this idea myself, as there are a few influential bloggers out there that I really would like to chat with. I think it would be a neat idea for bloggers to cross over ideas and popularity, and in tune, give their readers something else to enjoy. For example, if I could snag an interview with Mr. Pork Tornado, that would not only be a neat post to read, it would also send lots of his loyal readers to my page, and vice versa. Everyone wins.

Okay kids, I’m done for today. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your Monday.

Lost Friday – "The Man From Tallahassee."

Lost Friday - Season 3 - Episode 13.
Season 3 – Episode 13: “The Man From Tallahassee.”

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why we watch Lost in the first place.

In recognition of the best episode of Lost in just about forever, the following Lost Friday has been SUPER-SIZED for your enjoyment. Expanded articles, new sections and the return of the photo captions! Let it all wash over you like a fine, imported soap of some sort.

By the way, yet another Lost Friday is upon us. Consider my pants soiled and uncomfortable, but for all the right reasons. We have much to discuss.

Oh, poopie.
(“Oh, really?”)

Honestly, I wasn’t even going to do a recap this week. I was left so entertained and satisfied with this week’s episode, I figured the frantic emoting and fanboy raving alone would warrant a large enough conversation. I have nothing to criticize, nothing to bust on, and just about everything to look forward to. “What’s going to happen now?” For a long time, I didn’t care much about the answer to that question. Now, I’m back on board like it was Season One all over again.

It’s almost as if my faith in humanity has been somewhat restored. Then I see Sanjaya Malakar again, and feel like running my head through the bologna slicer at the Pick-N-Save deli on the thinnest setting. Why that brittle fruit isn’t tucked away in a call center somewhere in Bombay is beyond me. Yeah, I totally said it.

Now step back, take a deep breath and dive into the thickest and meatiest THICK & MEATY ever!

The Thick & Meaty.

FLASHBACKS:

We see Locke being interviewed by a government worker, who will decide if Locke can continue to receive his disability payments. In true Stereotypical Government Worker fashion, she is portrayed as a slightly overweight and sassy black woman. She refuses payments after he reveals that he’s no longer going to therapy; opting instead to focus on his Off-Broadway One-Man Show (‘Don’t Locke me up!’). It’s at this point that we find out Locke was suffering from depression (and rightfully so, really), and he was not yet paralyzed at this juncture.

Dejected, Locke goose-steps home, boards himself up in the bathroom and listens to the Smiths’ Louder Than Bombs on a constant loop. He also cuts himself a few times.

Can't You Read?
(“See? Right here, it says ‘No Dogs Allowed.'”)

Later on, a strapping young lad named Peter Talbot shows up at Locke’s door, questioning him about Anthony Cooper, now operating under the alias ‘Adam Seward.’ Peter suspects that Anthony is a con man looking to marry his mother for her money (good eye, kid), and wants to ask Locke why he donated a kidney to him. Locke lies and tells him that he never actually met Anthony, but invites Peter to stick around and play Guess Who? with him for awhile.

Peter agrees, and orders a Veggie Lovers pizza. Extra Ranch.

Sometimes, it's too easy.
(“Nice rack, Kate.”)

The next day, Locke tracks Anthony down and demands that he call off the wedding. He threatens to tell the woman the truth about him, and Anthony agrees he will handle it. Locke storms out, but not before purchasing a half-dozen arranged roses for his den.

Total cost? $35 plus tax. Not too bad; plus, it looks very inviting next to the Farrah Fawcett poster. Say what you want about Locke, but he knows how to bring out the character of a room.

Upon arrival back to his apartment, Locke is confronted by two detectives looking for information on Peter. Locke fibs around a little bit, but eventually finds out that Peter has been murdered. Locke then yells, “Look behind you!” and scampers away, screaming “Suckers!” as his voice fades to silence. Realizing they’ve been had, the two detectives make out a little before heading back to the station. At the very least, it makes them feel like they’re important to someone.

Sing us a song, you're the piano dork.
(Jack’s learning how to play “It’s Raining Men.”)

Eventually, Locke tracks down his dad again, in a posh penthouse suite/house deal. Locke wants to know what happened, but Anthony states that he’s a con man, not a murderer…..

He then says “Oh yeah, I am a murderer,” and then tries to murder Locke by murdering him out of the 8th story murder window. Locke falls; his back snapping like a handful of uncooked spaghetti. At the hospital, the detectives tell Locke that Anthony fled to Mexico and hasn’t been located. He’s then placed in a wheelchair, where he stares at his lifeless legs and bawls his eyes out.

Man, John Locke is so emo, he should be walking around in one of those black hoodies with the skeletons on them. I bet he has a My Chemical Romance tattoo on his bicep.

Larry, Moe and Locke.
(Torture No Evil, Horseface No Evil & Bald No Evil.)

OTHERVILLE:

Kate, Sayid, Locke and Rousseau (or The Mount Rushmore Of Ugly, as I like to call them), sneak up to the Barracks and see Jack tossing around a football with Tom. They wait until Jack has wrapped up his ‘Cabbage Patch’ before they advance on him.

Kate shows up in Jack’s living quarters to find him playing the piano. Jack tries to explain to her that there are cameras everywhere and she will be caught, but she insists on playing ‘Heart & Soul’ with him. This ends badly, as it always does.

Nasty.
(“Damn…do they have an Asteroids machine in that rec room?”)

Meanwhile, Locke surprises Ben in his bed and asks him where the submarine is. Ben plays it cool, saying “What’s a submarine?” Locke grins, scratches his head and shoots him in the knee. He sends Alex to retrieve his backpack from Sayid, which contains the C4. While they are waiting, Locke helps himself to some chicken and checks out the first few minutes of Entourage on HBO.

Ben is curious about Locke’s injuries, mainly because he wants to know why he’s not recovering as fast as Locke did on the island. He mentions that since the Swan Hatch exploded, nothing has been working correctly and the submarine is the only way off. He pleads with Locke not to blow it up, stating that the only reason he wants to is so he never has to face his fears on the mainland. Locke is unresponsive, and heads out whistling “Back In Black” to himself.

Jack explains to Kate that he made a deal with Ben and will be leaving with Juliet the next morning. Later on, he makes Ben promise that the rest of his friends will also be sent home afterwards. Ben agrees, but starts laughing maniacally and rubbing his hands together for some strange reason.

Sorry 'bout that.
(This is what happens when you let George W. Bush steer the boat. Happy?)

The crew starts heading for the submarine, when it explodes due to Locke’s rigging. Everyone’s taken prisoner again, and Ben privately thanks Locke for allowing him to keep his word and dominant status on the island. He also calls him and idiot and tells him that he ruined everything. Everything!

The last shot of the episode shows us that for one reason or another, Anthony Cooper has made his way to the island. This segues perfectly into a new segment here at the CDP, entitled:

5 Awesome Things...

This week’s topic is: 5 Awesome Things… Locke can do to kill Anthony.

1 – Rig him up to some sort of electrical device, so that every time he blinks, he craps his pants.

2 – Force Anthony to build an 8 story tower, then throw him off of the roof.

3 – Have him stand alone in the middle of the jungle, screaming “The Smoke Monster is a homo!” at the top of his lungs. Wait briefly and enjoy.

Where's my kidney, you ass!?
(“You may have my kidney, but at least I’m not paralyzed!”)

4 – Shoot him in the face by accident before we can get any real answers. That’s what they normally do; why mess with the formula?

5 – Just paralyze him and rip out one of his kidneys. There; Even Steven.

Enough speculation and murder revenge fantasies; let’s BREAK IT DOWN!

Break It Down!

4 – Boy, it’s nice to have the real John Locke back. Not only is Terry O’Quinn one of the best actors on television, his character is one of the most tortured and deeply thought-out in years. Amazing, amazing stuff. Every time Locke gets his own episode, I’m completely blown away by this guy. If I were in his shoes, I would have killed myself about ten times over by now. Truly one of the best anti-heroes I’ve seen in probably forever.

That is, of course, until they finally greenlight the CDP TV show. Locke’s got nothing on me.

8 – When Locke, Sayid, Kate and Rousseau scaled the Giant Security Microwave (GSM) surrounding the barracks, how did they expect to get back out? Seriously, there’s no way out, as far as they know. Unless there’s a Pole Vault hidden somewhere in that Dharma Community Center, our team is totally screwed.

Say it with flowers.
(The very sight of Petunias sends Locke into a textbook fit of rage.)

15 – Boy, is Jack going to be angry with Locke for blowin’ up that submarine. Hoo-boy!

16 – Obviously, the Others had no idea about the Swan Hatch or the importance behind it. When that thing blew up, their communications disappeared and just about everything else went to hell. In the next few weeks, we’ll find out exactly what they know about the island, along with that correlation they had to Dharma.

They’ve got a rec room with pool and foosball, though, so it can’t be all that bad.

What were you eating?
(“You got a little cream cheese….right there… want me to get it?”)

23 – I think that Ben has surpassed Sawyer for the title of ‘Biggest Jackass on the Island.’ Even in the face of death and permanent paralyzation, Ben still busted out all sorts of decent insults against Locke, creating a sort of verbal jousting we haven’t seen since the Jack/Locke power struggle of Season Two.

Sure, he’s pure evil and a little feminine, but I still dig that Ben fellow. Dumb little turd.

42 – How did Locke know how to rig up and detonate the C4? Should we even care?

Nah, the hell with it. This episode ruled. I will hear nothing in rebuttal. NOTHING.

The Missus Sez: Spoiler Alert!
(This week’s preview is being sponsored by The Missus.)

Cover your ears, Spoiler Nerds! Here comes THE PREVIEW!

4 – Next week’s episode is entitled “Expose’.” It is Nikki and Paulo-centric. Crap.

8 – The official press release from ABC reads: “Hurley begins to suspect that Sawyer may be involved in an island mystery surrounding two fellow survivors, and Sun learns the truth about her past kidnapping attempt by The Others.

Charlie and Sawyer had better pray that Jin doesn’t get word of their mock-kidnapping of Sun last season. I get the feeling that Jin could skin them alive in less than a minute, beards and all.

15 – Shannon and Boone will show back up in this episode, presumably in the flashbacks of Nikki and Paulo. Apparently, they are going to show the new couple a thing or two about being completely worthless characters.

Locke's a hungry man.
(Emeril at home.)

16 – Apart from some huge Island mythology being spilled in this episode, we will also find out that one of the characters is gay. Yup, and it’s not even Sweeps!

23 – Someone’s going to die during this episode, and it’s not going to be Charlie.

Damn it all to hell.

42 – Dr. Arzt will be in this episode. Seriously! The exploded guy!

Well, there you have it. A super-sized Lost Friday for a truly great episode. Start the discussion in the comments section, or send private love letters to communistdance@yahoo.com. If you want to show your appreciation with money, feel free to make a donation (in the sidebar) or purchase something from The CDP Webstore. Once your done stroking my ego like a newborn kitten, head on over to The Coconut Internet and say hello.

As always, here are links from every single Lost Friday this season. Enjoy, and have a great weekend, ya’ losers.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 – Episode 1 Review
Season 3 – Episode 2 Review
Season 3 – Episode 3 Review
Season 3 – Episode 4 Review
Season 3 – Episode 5 Review
Season 3 – Episode 6 Review
Season 3 – Episode 7 Review
Season 3 – Episode 8 Review
Season 3 – Episode 9 Review
Season 3 – Episode 10 Review
Season 3 – Episode 11 Review
Season 3 – Episode 12 Review

Lost Friday – "Par Avion."

Lost Friday - Par Avion.
Season 3 – Episode 12: “Par Avion.”

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

Well, things are starting to get back to normal at CDP Headquarters. I got my office back, I can drive my car without feeling terrified and my heating bill has dropped to under $200 a month. Starting today, I’m back to my daily workout regimen in preparation for the April 28 Crazylegs Classic in downtown Madison. soon thereafter, I will establish my very own CDP Fight Club, which will take place in my unfinished basement every third Friday of the month (bring towels, alcohol and music). Oh, and did I mention the NCAA Tournament?

Cherish these moments, man…cherish these moments.

Another week, another rock-solid episode of Lost. While this season seems to have less of an overall vision and psychological theme, I have been enjoying the sub-plots and mini-missions our castaways have been partaking in. This week was no different, as we appear to be setting up a storyline that should carry us right into Season 4.

You know, if it doesn’t get canceled or something. Which could totally happen.

Enough pessimism! Bring on the Thin & Meager!

The Thin & Meager

FLASHBACKS:

Claire caused a car accident that put her mom in a long-term coma. For shame!

Christian Shepard is Claire’s daddy. The man gets around.

Claire looks far better with black hair.

ON THE BEACH:

Charlie is trying very hard to sleep with Claire.

Claire wants to catch a tagged bird and attach a note to it. Charlie thinks this is stupid, because it is.

Desmond saves Charlie’s life again, although they have to let Claire in on the secret, due to her constant whining.

Claire does not sleep with Charlie.

EN ROUTE TO THE BARRACKS:

Locke steals some C4 from the Flame station and throws prisoner into giant microwave.

Prisoner explodes.

A-squad infiltrates the Hostile’s camp. Find Jack playing football with Tom. Leave.

Done. Let’s Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 – Christian is Claire’s dad. This makes Jack and Claire siblings. Fantastic.

I’ll admit, it was a great angle for those who hadn’t figured it out yet (I knew a year ago, losers!), but personally, I won’t be satisfied until things get incestuous. Just one kiss, that’s all I ask for somewhere down the line.

Please don’t tell me that I was the only one thinking that would be a good storyline. It’s sweeps, damn it!

8 – Locke is still acting like a bit of a bumbling fool. On the bright side, he’s becoming more of a main character again, and we have no idea what he’s up to. One of the best parts of Season 2 was trying to figure out just who’s side Locke was on. Once again, we’re left to question exactly what in the hell’s going on in his head.

My guess is he just wants to blow something up, and maybe feed a few more guys into that giant reactor that microwaves people from the inside-out.

I can accept that.

15 – ‘Olsen-twin lookalike’ comments aside, Claire was looking downright saucy in the flashbacks. Dense eyes, pitch-black hair, a horrible attitude and crippling emotional problems; now that’s my kind of girl. I was almost able to overlook how absolutely annoying of a character Claire is.

Almost. The Aussie accent is only hot if you’re not whining all the damn time.

16 – It’s good to know that the whole situation with Claire, Desmond and Charlie was worked out. In my personal opinion, I think Claire should sleep with Charlie at least once. If anything, just to shut him up and say thanks for the last 80 days of companionship. The guy’s been working really hard here, Claire; you should at least acknowledge it.

Furthermore, watching Charlie in a sex scene would be the equivalent to seeing someone commit suicide on live television. It’s going to haunt you forever, but you know you’re gunna watch.

23 – How long has Sun been pregnant now? She was looking about as thin and purty as ever this week. Chalk it all up to the Island’s magical powers, I guess.

Whatever the case, keep doing what you’re doing, Magical Island. And maybe bring me some Cinnamon Twists from Taco Bell. Those things rule.

42 – When Lost finally reaches its ending, I’m going to publish a book with every single Lost Friday within. Will you buy it? I need to know before I start putting work into it.

The CDP is set for at least two book releases this year, and I wanted to see if there was a market for a third. Why? Because I like money and want to quit my job.

Please help me make this dream of money and not working come true.

Tiny Spoilers Ahoy! Here comes The Preview!

The Man From That One Place That's Hard To Spell.

4 – Episode 13 is titled “The Man From Tallahassee.” It will be Locke-centric. Expect him to be flaunting that C4 around like he was Cock of the Walk (that made me laugh quite hard when I said it to myself).

8 – Yes, this is the episode where we FINALLY FIND OUT WHY LOCKE WAS PARALYZED. According to Terry O’Quinn; “I was afraid it’d be anticlimactic. It’s not. It’s pretty stunning. You’re gonna go, ‘Man, no wonder this guy wants to stay here!‘”

I love Locke episodes, because not only is he the best character (and actor) on the entire damn show, but his flashbacks are some of the most heartbreaking and vast stories on TV. I’m telling you, John Locke is one of the most amazing characters in television history.

15 – The official episode description reads: “Ben tries to talk Locke out of his destructive plan by offering him some island secrets. Meanwhile, Kate’s reunion with Jack does not go off as planned when she discovers he has made a deal with the Others.”

Of course he made a deal with the Others! Wouldn’t you? If I possessed some gift that they so desperately needed, I’d be strutting around that island like I was Cock of the Walk!

16 – Michael Emerson (Ben) sez: “There’s some role reversal that takes place there. Someone that’s used to being in power is dis-empowered and someone sort of takes charge in an interesting way.”

Awesome! I was wondering when they were going to start getting into bondage on this show.

23 – Hey, the Others have a submarine!

Finally, they will address this theory that Internet nerds have been pining over for a year-and-a-half. Raise your cans of Mountain Dew and rejoice!

42 – You know what would bring more viewers back to this show? A little full-frontal nudity, about once every 4 episodes or so. It works for HBO, why not ABC? I’ll nominate Sawyer to go first, because I believe in chivalry and the power of the age 18-29 female demographic.

Well, there you have it. Another Lost Friday submitted for worldwide viewing and enjoyment. If you like what you see here at the CDP, feel free to make a donation (the link is in the sidebar) or buy something at the CDP Webstore. Sound off in the comments section and send all erotic photography or hate mail to communistdance@yahoo.com. Once you’re done with all of that, head on over to The Coconut Internet and say hello. They’ll be glad you came.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 – Episode 1 Review
Season 3 – Episode 2 Review
Season 3 – Episode 3 Review
Season 3 – Episode 4 Review
Season 3 – Episode 5 Review
Season 3 – Episode 6 Review
Season 3 – Episode 7 Review
Season 3 – Episode 8 Review
Season 3 – Episode 9 Review
Season 3 – Episode 10 Review
Season 3 – Episode 11 Review

NEXT WEEK – “LOOK AROUND YOU.”
(The funniest TV series you may have never seen.)

Adventures In Cyber Sex.

The following post is rated:
The following post is rated TV-14.
For sexual content and dialogue.

PART 1 – THE PRESENT.

During a lunch break last week, I was playing pool on Pogo, as I’m sometimes known to do. On the rare occasions when I play against another human player, I refuse to chat with them in the sidebar, as I’m far too focused on winning the game and voiding myself of all human contact. I’m far too old to be ‘chatting’ with anyone, let alone someone who lacks all basic grammar skills and wants to beat me at pool. Both pride and dignity are on the line, here.

As luck would have it, this day was a little different. I was minding my own business, shooting pool against my silent robotic opponent, when it was suddenly replaced by a living, human being. The screen name was like, xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx, or something to that effect. I took limited notice and continued my game, as she started yapping to herself in the sidebar:

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: hay baby

Silently, I focused on my game. I knew she was trying to confuse and disorient me, thus giving her an advantage on the pool table. Little did she know, she was dealing with a skilled and unshakable veteran of the green felt. I wasn’t going to be like all those other losers. Not today.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: wanna cyber?

Just as I was focusing on nailing the 9 ball in the side pocket, my right eye slowly wandered over to the sidebar and noticed this little nugget of sinister information. Against my best judgment, I spoke up.

theCDP: No. I want to play pool.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: RUgay?

theCDP: That’s not important. I’m on lunch and want to play pool.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: i wanna play 2 lol.

That’s it,” I thought. “I’m outta here.”

This particular game of pool was for all-important Ratings Points, however, so I didn’t want to leave and get a loss put on my record (I already know that my priorities are messed up, so don’t bother mentioning it). Instead, I remained calm and continued playing.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: wat do u waant to do 2 me?

theCDP: I want to finish this game and eat a Pop Tart.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: nooooooo

theCDP: Yeah, that’s what I’m into these days. Pop Tarts are all the rage.

At this point, I knew that I was either being screwed with by a messed-up woman or a very messed-up man, so I just stayed coy and toughed it out. If you ever think that you’re conversing with a beautiful woman who likes to talk dirty to strangers in Pogo chat rooms, you might want to seriously re-evaluate your life.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: im horny

By this point, I was looking over my shoulder to make sure nobody was around. I’ve never felt dirtier playing a game of pool in my life, save for that one time at my Dad’s bar, when I was playing against a drunk woman whose tube-top fell around her waist about three shots in. True to drunken form, she refused to remedy the situation until the game was over.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: i said im horny.

theCDP: You know, I seriously doubt that.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: oooooh i am baby

Shaking my head, it was now my objective to out this person for the fraud and impostor that they were. I really don’t like being manipulated, especially considering that I’ve never met someone who was a better manipulator than myself. You just can’t beat the master.

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: how old RU?

theCDP: How old are you?

xXxSk8erBaBy996xXx: 14

Instantly, ice water filled my veins. It was as if someone had dangled a gargantuan spider in front of my computer monitor that had TNT for legs and cocaine where its body should be. I shot my legs out and flew back in my chair, clicking on anything that even remotely resembled a red X. I’ve seen Dateline; I know what they do to horrible people like me in jail. I’d be passed around like currency, nicknamed ‘Vasoline Dream’ and fitted for a pink riding crop.

I was already imagining Chris Hansen showing up at my house that night, clutching the Chat Log and asking me just what I thought I was doing acting this way.

I just wanted to play pool! Why, God? Why?”

I did nothing wrong, but I was still too sick to eat that Pop Tart. My afternoon was ruined.

Yahoo! - 1994
(This is what Yahoo! looked like in 1994, in case you weren’t around for it.)

PART 2 – THE PAST.

The main focus of this post was to tell the story I’m about to tell you now. What happened last week merely reminded me of this long-forgotten tale.

This must have happened, gosh, over 12 years ago. It was in an AOL chat room during the early days of the Consumer-Friendly Internet. It came during a time when I was at least willing to attempt to be a completely different person online. An alter-ego that wasn’t afraid of women, didn’t mind getting naughty and knew exactly what to say.

You know, an asshole.

I should interject here and state that I’m simply awful when it comes to Dirty Talk. I can’t do it; I never have and I never will. There are just some words out there that make me blush and giggle like a schoolboy every time I hear them (titmouse, woodcock, titpecker), and it will probably always be that way. I wish I could sit here and tell you that I’m an absolute stud when it comes to each and every facet of gettin’ it awn, but we both know that’s just not true.

At the end of the day, the Missus doesn’t need me to be shouting obscenities or whispering sweet nothings, because she usually likes to ball gag me, instead. I married her because she knows that I cannot play The Mating Game to save my sorry, dumb ass, and she’s totally cool with it.

Sometimes, she even lets me stay up late and watch TV. With cookies!

Internet-wise, I’m not capable of typing something that I wouldn’t be able to say out loud to someone. I’m a man of facts, not a man of fantasy, and slipping into a fake and dirty persona is almost impossible for me. Even in 1995, when I couldn’t wait to be a different person than the loser I had become.

I guess that’s how I was raised; stacked to the rafters with guilt and shame, pushing all lustful feelings into the pit of my stomach until I eventually went out and skinned some hooker alive.

But on this night, I was ready to dip my toes into the fast-evolving world of cyber sex. It wasn’t long before I realized that I had no business being in the pool in the first place.

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: A/S/L?

theCDP: 18/M/CA, you?
(In reality, I was 13 and lived in Larsen; an unincorporated town in Wisconsin.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: 21F/MA

theCDP: Das’ cool.
(Go Red Sox! I was feeling better already.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Wat u do for a living?

theCDP: I’m a writer. You?
(Okay, the lies were coming easier now. I was in the zone!)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Stripper
(Beautiful! The role playing had begun, and I was poised at the ready. She was probably a 45 year old man, but I wasn’t in the mood for reality at this point. Lie to me, baby!)

theCDP: Rad!

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Did u jus say ‘RAD?’
(I sometimes forgot that I was the only kid in the world who said ‘rad’ in 1995.)

theCDP: Sorry. I guess I’m an idiot.
(That was strike one. I really didn’t want this super-hot fantasy stripper to ditch me, so I had to focus.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: um….ok

theCDP: So…do you have implants?
(I wasn’t going to waste any more time with 80’s surfer talk and chit-chat; I went in for the kill. Besides, that’s a tactful enough question to ask a stripper, right?)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: nope, 38DD all natural.
(Now we’re getting somewhere. I put in Green Day’s ‘Insomniac’ album and shut off all of the lights.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: and I’m only 5’3″
(Um, okay. Even as a rookie in the cyber-sex game, I still think that she should have throttled back a bit. Either she was completely full of it, or she was 400 pounds, fantasy or not. I left it at that.)

theCDP: Wow.
(This was the sound of me officially running out of things to say. I honestly never thought the conversation would go this way. Furthermore, I was feeling ickier by the second.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Yea, they like bowling balls, lol

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Wanna go bowling?
(Oh, what a move! A metaphor! I get metaphors! Of course I want to go bowling!)

theCDP: Hells yeah!
(It took silencing every intelligent voice in my head to write that. Sometimes you have to write like a typical idiot if you want to be treated like a typical idiot. This was one of those times.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: So….wats your avg bowling score?
(What? Average bowling score? What was she referring to? Did I misunderstand? Were we actually talking about bowling now? Gosh, this cyber-sex stuff is hard! Not wanting to look like an idiot, I came up with the best answer I could think of.)

theCDP: Oh, about 280.
(That’ll turn her on.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Wow, u must like big girls!
(Oops, strike two. I silently nodded my head and began to wonder what I was doing here in the first place. How could it be that I was actually a far smoother talker in reality than in fantasy?)

theCDP: Sorry, I lost track of the metaphors.
(Stupid me, breaking character again. Why is this so difficult for me? Think man, think! You’re a writer, damn it! Get literal!)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: well, try and keep up or youre gunna miss out!

theCDP: Yes, ma’am.
(Even in a fantasy world, I was coming off like the biggest loser alive. Maybe there was just never any hope for a guy like me.)

SexyInsomniakGrrrl: Sooo….wat you wanna play?

theCDP: I don’t know.
(I was getting depressed at this point, because I really didn’t know. Scrabble and Jeopardy were my top two choices at this point, as there was no chance whatsoever I was going to make this work for me, despite all the effort in the world from my new stripper friend. I guess I was just a loser, and no amount of distance between me and the world was going to hide that.)

*SexyInsomniakGrrrl Has Signed Off.*

Take your fantasy and shove it.

PART 3 – THE FUTURE.

Do people honestly chat anymore? I had no idea that these avenues still existed in such a massive quantity until I started watching the Dateline specials last year. I guess no matter what my ego may convince me of, trends don’t simply disappear just because I’ve moved on from them (see: Punk Rock, Meat, Zubaz).

What was once a mecca and cornerstone of the Information Superhighway now resembles more of a graveyard than anything. Chat rooms now are full of young people who have just connected to the Internet for the first time, and older people that possess a 6-figure porn collection. In that regard, I guess it’s just like the old days, only much creepier now that I’m older.

As far as I go, I never fully learned how to properly seduce a woman with my words. Sure, people tell me that I have a halfway sexy radio voice and I can make anyone laugh, but I just can’t help but use these powers for good instead of evil. If I’m not allowed to be honest, I crash and burn, and everyone around me knows it. As far as I’m concerned, it’s better for me this way.

When me and the Missus started dating, we spent a lot of time together chatting online. As our relationship and feelings for each other grew, so did the overall tone and mood of our conversations. This came naturally for me, as everything I was saying was the truth, and I knew what was waiting for me on the other end of the fiber-optic cable.

Perhaps my unwillingness to adapt to fantasy and suspension of disbelief is an illness, instead of an advanced evolutionary trait? Perhaps I shouldn’t feel sorry for everyone able to turn off their conscious every once in awhile; perhaps they should feel sorry for me?

I don’t know for sure, but I’ll tell you this:

I’m never playing pool again.

Lost Friday – "Enter 77."

Lost Friday - Enter 77.
Season 3 – Episode 11: “Enter 77.”

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

Seriously.

For real this time. It was a stellar episode.

But first, a trademark rant.

Boy howdy, what a week I’ve been having. The massive cold I’ve been fighting for 6 days has dissipated to the point where I can now focus entirely on my undeniable case of Strep Throat (I’m on antibiotics, but it still hurts like hell). I’m sucking on cough drops and downing Pomegranate juice like there’s no tomorrow, but I’m smart enough to realize that Strep Throat only goes away when it’s good and ready. Sort of like Ryan Seacrest.

My office has become a makeshift bedroom for a close friend, complete with her pet bird, which she likes to let out of the cage from time to time. For hours on end, my cats sit outside of the closed office door, wailing and begging for their chance to pounce in and eat it. The incessant peeping and screeching of said bird has actually stressed one of my cats out to the point of peeing in my shower on a bi-daily basis. This doesn’t bother me too much, as I myself have a habit of peeing in the shower on a bi-daily basis. I just don’t like having to wait in line.

Note: Birds are not pets.

My mother came down to Madison last weekend to attend schooling for an upcoming job. On the second day in, her car broke down at the mall, and I had to leave work early to pick her up. No sooner did I pull into the J.C. Penney parking lot, when her car started and she drove away. It’s a good thing, though, because the last time I tried to jump-start a car, I only succeeded in jump-starting the poop from my pants.

Speaking of which, my car set a personal record this week for the most amount of dashboard lights illuminated at once. Five, count ’em, FIVE lights were on at the same time. They were:

Low Fuel light.
Check Coolant light.
Brake Fluid light
Fasten Seat Belt light.
Trunk Ajar light

On top of that, I was out of Windshield Washer Fluid, and drove home from work in a muddy haze. I’ll have you know that I fixed every one of these issues in my garage last night, which marked the first time in 4 years that I had to wash grease off of my hands. Pouring fluids into specifically labeled holes under my hood made me feel like such a man!

As you can gather, the last 10 days have been a bit trying and thankless for yours truly. I’ll get over it, though, with a heaping helping of The Thick & Meaty!

The Thick & Meaty!

IN FLASHBACKS:

Sayid is working as a chef in a Paris restaurant (buh? why? how?), when a seemingly satisfied customer wants to speak with him. This customer offers Sayid a job at his own restaurant, which Sayid accepts, but not before torturing 10 people on the way out with various forms of cutlery.

As you would assume, Sayid walks into a trap. The wife of the restaurant owner claims that Sayid tortured her when he was still in the Republican Guard. The goons play a game of punchy-kicky with Sayid and lock him in the back room, forcing him to make fettuccine alfredo at gunpoint for all of eternity.

For several days, they beat on Sayid and ask him to confess to torturing Amira. Sayid refuses, claiming that he would never torture a woman and that they have the wrong guy. Eventually, Amira shows up, cat in hand, and gives Sayid a little moral lesson on admitting when you’re about to get your ass handed to you for no good reason. Sayid confesses to the torturing (we don’t actually know if he was telling the truth or not), and Amira lets him go.

On the way out, Sayid tortures 10 more people with various forms of cutlery.

ON THE BEACH:

The castaways find and set up the ping-pong table that survived the Hatch implosion. Sawyer, still pissed that everyone made off with all of his alcohol and porn, offers to play anyone for a chance to win it back. Hurley accepts the challenge for the castaways, and promptly destroys him faster than his Pie Eating Contest victory the week prior. As part of the agreement, Sawyer can no longer give people nicknames for an entire week, thus removing what little humor was left in this show.

Hurley gives Sawyer back his porn and lets him know that Kate will be okay. Sawyer responds by torturing Hurley with various forms of cutlery.

AT THE FLAME:

(Just a reminder; the Flame Station is not to be confused with the ‘Flamer‘ Station. Whereas the Flame station is hot, the Flamer station is FAAAABULOUS’!)

Kate, Sayid and Locke find their way to the Flame Station, where Sayid takes one for the team and gets shot in the arm in order to infiltrate. There, they run into Patchy and get to talkin’.

And he sez’…

Mikhail says he grew up in Kiev and joined the Soviet Army. He was stationed at a listening post in Vladivostok. His unit was decommissioned when the Cold War ended. He replied to a newspaper advertisement titled, “Would you like to save the world?” He joined the “very secretive, rich, and smart” initiative and came to the island eleven years ago. He was put in this station, called the Flame, the purpose of which is to communicate with the outside world. He says that everyone else in the DHARMA initiative died in a foolish attack they called “the purge” on the Others, whom they called “Hostiles”. Mikhail survived by not getting involved and agreeing to a truce according to which he would stay behind a designated line. He says they weren’t interested in the satellite dish because it hadn’t functioned in years. He doesn’t know who the hostiles are, but they were on the island for a very long time before the Initiative.

Beautiful.

As it turns out, he was pretty much full of crap, but we’ll get to that later.

John Locke, functioning in full bumbling idiot-mode this week, plays some chess while Sayid figures absolutely everything out for himself. He determines that Mikhail is an Other posing as a DHARMA member, and that they need to play along because he’s not alone.

That lasts for about a minute, and a struggle ensues. Mikhail gets conked and tied up, while the castaways explore the rest of the Station.

Locke, once again completely dropping the ball, ignores Mikhail and plays more chess. When he finally manages to defeat the computer, he sees more Marvin Candle video footage, concerning communication procedures. As he’s trying to figure out a way to contact the outside world, Mikhail steps up and puts a knife to his throat.

In the basement, Sayid and Kate find manuals entailing just about everything we’ve always wanted to know about the DHARMA Initiative. Just then, Ms. Klugh shows up, gets whipped and ends up captured. This leads to a Mexican standoff upstairs, and instead of making a switch, Ms. Klugh begs Mikhail to kill her, as she refuses to give up important information. Mikhail obliges, and puts her down clean.

Afterwards, Kate, Sayid, Locke and Rousseau are hauling Mikhail away, when Locke speaks up. Feeling pretty proud of himself, he exclaims that he entered the ‘Hostile Takeover’ code into the computer, which means that reinforcements are on the way (he thinks). Seconds later, the Flame Station explodes, including all of the important documents within (along with their only hope of outside-world contact).

Sayid then tortures Lock with various forms of cutlery. And boy does he deserve it.

*SMASH CUT.*

This was a good episode; almost on par with the better episodes of Seasons 1 & 2. There was a lot of island mythology, more information concerning what happened to Dharma and the overall goal and history of the ‘Hostiles.’ Besides the unnecessary cutbacks to the beach, and ever more unnecessary dialogue from Nikki and Paulo, I would almost rank this as one of the best episodes of Season 3 thus far.

I could have done with some actual Ping-Pong footage between Sawyer and Hurley, but I’ll survive. I also had a fleeting thought that they would choose Jin to play Sawyer, as I naturally assumed Jin was an amazing Ping-Pong player.

Is that racist? I’ll never know.

Now, let’s Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 – I was absolutely stunned by the sheer ignorance and stupidity of John Locke this week. I was wondering what he had been up to for the last few weeks; apparently he’s been huffing paint and reading Mitch Albom novels, because he turned into a stone-cold idiot.

If it weren’t for the MacGyver-like brilliance of Sayid, everyone would have been killed four times over. Throw the destruction of the Flame Station into the hat, and you’re left with one of biggest displays of Lost idiocy since Arzt dropped the dynamite. For shame!

8 – We’re starting to see what happened in the whole Dharma vs. Hostiles feud from years back. Apparently, the Hostiles had been on the island for many years before Dharma showed up with their stupid lava lamps and Geronimo Jackson records.

Okay, that’s about all we know. Oh yeah, they killed everyone in Dharma, and Dharma booby-trapped all of their stuff out of fear of them.

Oh, and Locke’s an idiot.

15 – It sure looked like Mikhail was going to kill himself before turning the gun on Ms. Klugh. I fully expect Mikhail to take his own life before he ‘s forced to spill the beans about the genesis of the Hostiles. Typical and not very surprising, if you ask me.

16 – We did find out the origin of the cables leading into the ocean, along with the validation that the Hostiles do have a submarine. We also think that Sayid’s map will lead them right into their neighborhood.

Meanwhile, Jack is eating grilled cheese sandwiches and watching the E! Channel on a constant loop.

23 – We may never know if Sayid was telling the truth about torturing Amira. I guess it really doesn’t matter, but it would say something about his character and redemption. In the end, it played into whether or not Mikhail should live, but at the end of the day, the flashbacks merely served the present-day storyline, not the other way around.

Hold on, I’ll think of some sort of joke to put here. Just give me a second.

Poop!

42 – What’s up with Locke’s fascination with entering things into a computer? Didn’t he have to do that all day when he worked at the box company? You’d think he’d want a vacation.

Another week, another new episode of Lost. Tiny Spoilers Ahoy!

Episode 12 - Par Avion.

4 – Episode 12 will be titled “Par Avion,” and it will be Claire-centric.

8 – “Par Avion” is French for “By plane.” Just thought you might want to know.

15 – The official preview from ABC reads: “Charlie exhibits peculiar behavior when Claire has an idea that could get everyone rescued; tensions mount between Sayid and Locke as they continue their journey to rescue Jack.

16 – The flashbacks will go back to when Claire was a teenager. I expect to see a lot of yelling and slamming doors. She’s kind of a brat.

23 – Jack and Claire are totally related. Everyone already knows that Christian was sleeping with Claire’s mom. If you didn’t already know that, now you do. Don’t forget to buy a CDP t-shirt on your way out.

42 – Kate, Sayid and Locke will make it to the Hostile’s camp by the end of this episode. Hopefully, they will keep Locke away from anything that has buttons on it.

Well, there you have it, another Lost Friday come and gone. Start the conversation in the comments section, and send all erotic photography to communistdance@yahoo.com. Help yourself to some CDP Merch in THE CDP WEBSTORE, and don’t forget to visit our friends at The Coconut Internet when you have a minute or two.

Here are links to every Lost Friday this season. They haven’t been embalmed yet, so they’re starting to get a little ripe.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 – Episode 1 Review
Season 3 – Episode 2 Review
Season 3 – Episode 3 Review
Season 3 – Episode 4 Review
Season 3 – Episode 5 Review
Season 3 – Episode 6 Review
Season 3 – Episode 7 Review
Season 3 – Episode 8 Review
Season 3 – Episode 9 Review
Season 3 – Episode 10 Review

MONDAY:
ADVENTURES IN CYBER-SEX.

CDP Wayback Machine – Mad-Lib Edition.

(I’m still sick as hell and have an extremely limited amount of time in my office. Here’s a CDP Classic from one year ago this week. Enjoy.)

Here now, the very first CDP Mad-Lib. Here’s how you can play along; it’s fun!

Make a list of answers to the following 20 questions. For example, if I ask you for a PLURAL NOUN, you’d say something like BLENDERS or GRAPEFRUITS. Do this for each of the 20 words I ask of you.

When you’re finished, plug your answers into the correct places in my following trademark rant. They’ll be in order, so it’s easy. Ready?

Write down the first thing that comes to your mind for the following:

1. PLURAL NOUN (I already used blenders and grapefruits, jerk.)
2. ADJECTIVE (Descriptive word, in case you were wondering.)
3. TOURIST ATTRACTION
4. HISTORICAL PERSON
5. PLURAL DRINK
6. PLURAL SNACK
7. WORST MOVIE EVER
8. ADJECTIVE (Make sure it’s different from your first adjective!)
9. MEDIA MEDIUM
10. DISEASE
11. CRIME-RIDDLED CITY
12. ANIMAL
13. VEHICLE BRAND
14. ANIMAL (Make it different from the first animal!)
15. BODY PART
16. COLOGNE
17. CELEBRITY YOU HATE
18. BODY PART (Make it different from the first body part!)
19. ARTICLE OF CLOTHING
20. GAY CELEBRITY

Now, take those 20 answers, and get ready to plug them into one of my numerous hilarious rants.

‘Hilarious Trademark Rant’
By: The CDP.

So, here’s three reasons why I absolutely despise PLURAL NOUN.

1. They’re ADJECTIVE.

You can’t even go to the TOURIST ATTRACTION anymore without drowning in their bull rip. Why, me and FAMOUS PERSON were just discussing their annoyance over PLURAL DRINK and PLURAL SNACK. We came to the conclusion that we hate them more than WORST MOVIE EVER.

2. They think they’re so ADJECTIVE.

I’m sick of seeing them on the MEDIA MEDIUM all the time, rattling on about their DISEASE. Listen, I grew up in CRIME-RIDDLED CITY too, but I don’t go around blaming it for the time I hit that ANIMAL with my VEHICLE BRAND.

3. They smell like an ANIMAL’s BODY PART.

I shouldn’t have to walk around with a can of COLOGNE just because I’m afraid they’ll show up reeking like CELEBRITY wiped their BODY PART on their ARTICLE OF CLOTHING. I swear to you, the next time I see them coming, I’ll run faster than GAY CELEBRITY to the Bravo channel.

Did it work for you? What were your words? Share the laughter and love in the comments section, and praise me for all the hard work I do for you.