Lost Friday – "Expose’."

Lost Friday - Expose'.
Season 3 – Episode 14: “Expose’.

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss, so calm right the hell down.

Man alive, people have been jumping all over this episode. The nerds are wetting their pants about continuity errors, the intellectuals are complaining about the over-the-top storyline, and everyone’s complaining about the Tales From The Crypt-style 3rd Act. Furthermore, everyone walked away from this episode despising Nikki and Paulo far more than they already did. Man, is that even possible? Could I be using more italics in this paragraph?

I don’t get it.

Seriously, this episode was brilliant. You should be applauding the writers that created it. Getting down on your chubby knees, wiping the powdered sugar off of your collective maws and kissing the bronze feet of Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz.

Bless you, Lost.

Blost.

You got a very innovative flashback/flash-forward storytelling style, the return of Shannon and (bisexual) Boone (I’ll explain later), new footage masterfully mixed in with Pilot footage, a spot-on satire of Soap Operas, a pre-explosion Dr. Arzt, giant poisonous spiders, Billy Dee Freaking Williams, a fat guy playing ping-pong, and arguably two of the most brutal deaths I’ve ever seen on mainstream television.

QUIT. YOUR. BITCHING.

Why didn’t Paulo tell anyone about the Beechcraft and the Pearl station? Why didn’t he tell anyone about the walkie-talkie? Why didn’t he tell anyone about the conversation he overheard between Ben and Juliet?

Well, because he’s a stone-cold idiot, that’s why. And a real douchebag to boot. You already knew that these two people were complete and utter knob-nozzles, so what made you think that this episode would change your mind? After weeks of wishing that these two auxiliary players would just shut up and die already, your wishes were granted in the most grandiose of fashions. I mean, Sawyer buried this chick alive, bent over her her tomb and said “Thanks for nothing,” while she slowly suffocated under two feet of sand.

If that’s not bad ass, I really don’t know what is.

Wow, it's the Crypt Keeper!

Greetings, Boils and Ghouls! Tonight’s terrifying tale of traumatic torture is about two lovers who fight over some die-monds and bury the hatchet…. Alive, that is! BLAH-HAHAHAHA!!!

Wow…sorry about that, everyone. Here’s the Thick & Meaty!

Thick And Meaty.

OFF-ISLAND FLASHBACKS:

Because Nikki is completely void of decent acting skills (both the character and the woman who plays her), she naturally gets a job working on a Soap Opera. This is supposedly her ‘big break,’ and she’s shooting her scene in Sydney.

A few boobs and a mess of gunshots later, we find out that Nikki has developed an ongoing relationship with Howard, the producer of the show. As a side note, if you’re an aspiring actress (or confused actor) attempting to sleep your way to the top, please realize that a Soap Opera is about as close to the ‘top’ as shooting an Arby’s commercial in Thailand. You might want to consider setting that bar a twitch higher next time.

But fear not! Nikki has a plan. It involves poisoning her Aaron Spelling-like Sugar Daddy, swiping his 8 million dollar diamond stash and making off with his personal chef, Paulo. This goes about as well as you would hope, and they eventually wind up on Oceanic 815.

ON-ISLAND FLASHBACKS:

Shortly after the plane crashes, we are once again treated to the single most annoying scene in Lost history, Shannon screaming at the top of her lungs for absolutely no reason. How this shot has managed to work its way into no less than 10 episodes is anyone’s guess.

Instantly, Nikki and Paulo start looking for their bag with the diamonds in it. Thinking they will be rescued at any moment, they realize that they have to find the bag fairly quickly. Ethan Rom shows up, proudly sporting a Wisconsin sweatshirt, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s 100% NOT EVIL.

Hey, I’m not an Other,” he says. “Need anyone killed?

With the help of Dr. Explodiepants, Nikki and Paulo head out in search of their missing bag. They instead stumble upon the Beechcraft and Pearl Station, marking the first of about a hundred billion things that they should have told someone about, but didn’t.

Eventually, Paulo finds the bag at the bottom of the waterfall. He tells Nikki that he didn’t find it, however; opting to temporarily hide the Matryoshka doll in his butthole.

Paulo (understandably) gets sick of this after awhile, so he heads down into the Pearl to hide the diamonds. While he’s busy stuffing them into the toilet tank, Ben and Juliet show up and engage in one of the worst batches of dialogue I’ve ever seen. It served no relevance to the story, other than to make it look like Paulo was around for some of the more important Island moments. They eventually leave and Paulo swipes their walkie-talkie, which he never once uses or even mentions to anybody.

ASS.

A few days later, Locke leads an expedition back to the Pearl Station, which Nikki and Paulo tag along to. Paulo grabs the diamonds again, keeping alive the theory that every time someone goes into a bathroom, they’re doing something evil. Eventually, Nikki figures out that Paulo has the diamonds and looks to shoot him (seems understandable). Sawyer refuses to give her a gun without a 7-day waiting period. She grabs a spider instead.

Here it comes, so pay attention:

Nikki brings Paulo into the jungle and confronts him about having the diamonds. He feigns ignorance but she shows him the nicotine gum, proving he has found their bags. She takes out one of Dr Arzt’s specimen jars, opens it, and flings a Medusa spider at Paulo. It lands on his neck and bites him. He kills it, and it’s remains stuck to his hand. She tells him that it’s called the Medusa spider because it paralyzes the victim for around 8 hours and slows the heart. Paulo collapses and can’t move. Nikki calmly begins to search him for the diamonds, at first guessing that they are hidden in his shoe. She takes off his shoe and throws it into a tree. She opens his pants and finds the pouch in his underwear. Paulo tells her he took the diamonds because he was afraid of losing her if she found the diamonds and didn’t need him anymore. Nikki is distracted as many Medusa spiders, attracted by the scent of the smashed female spider, march towards the pair. Nikki is bitten by one and she runs away. Nikki runs through the jungle, stops suddenly and digs a hole, burying the diamonds, then continues running. On the beach, Sawyer and Hurley are playing ping-pong when Nikki staggers towards them and collapses, mumbling “paralyzed.”

REAL-TIME EVENTS:

The only thing you need to know here is that Nikki and Paulo were accidentally buried alive by Sawyer and Hurley; unaware that they were the victims of a paralyzing spider bite. Rawk!

Just think of it as like Romeo and Juliet, only with people that we couldn’t care less about.

So… more like the re-make of Romeo and Juliet.

WHY BOONE IS GAY (or at least bi-sexual):

The writers and producers of this show kept hinting and claiming that one of the characters would be outed this week, and they kept their end of the bargain, regardless of if they were just screwing with us.

In the airport scene with Shannon and Boone, Shannon remarks that they’re late for the flight because Boone kept ‘flirting with random guys.’ Ta-Dah!

Yeah, it’s pretty weak. But it is funny and the producers deserve extra points for getting people all fired up for a throwaway joke. Bravo, that was awesome.

Speaking of awesome, here are 5 Awesome Things!

5 Awesome Things...

This week’s topic is: 5 Awesome Things… Better Than Bulletproof Breasts.

Early on in the episode, we were treated to this ridiculous and downright trashy excerpt of dialogue between Nikki and Howard. I’m paraphrasing, but it went something like this:

Old Guy:You know, we could write your character back onto the show.”
Whore:I was shot six times.”
Old Guy:We could say you were wearing a bulletproof vest.
(Whore opens her robe to reveal nothing but a skimpy top)
Old Guy: “…Or bulletproof breasts.

That got me to thinking. While that might be a useful superpower every now and again, there must be better ones out there. Here now, my findings.

1 – Waterproof Weiner.

2 – Shockproof Scrotum.

3 – Retractable Rectum.

4 – Nothing.

5 – Purple Nurpleproof Nurples.

Enough Mommy and Daddy talk. Let’s Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 – I’ll admit that I had some serious doubts about this episode for about the first half-hour. Once I saw how wonderfully they interwove the old and new footage, along with the stereotypical Soap Opera ending (a great call-back reference and a fitting climax), I made the distinction that this was one of the more original and clever episodes of Lost I’ve seen in awhile.

Sure, the scene with Juliet and Ben was unnecessarily tacked-on, and served no purpose other than to place Paulo ‘in the moment’ with some vital (and unshared) information. The dialogue was clunky and essentially made Ben and Juliet, two fantastic actors, look a bit weak. Other than that, however, I geeked out at the conclusion just the same.

Tell me you geeked out. Tell me. Come on, you know how I like it.

8 – I like how every time they came back from a flashback, they showed a close-up of one of the two corpses. They really wanted to pound home the idea that these two people were very much dead and not at all paralyzed by a rare poisonous spider.

Wait, what?

Man, from reading some of these plot outlines, you’d get the impression that Lost is the most scattershot and unbelievably ridiculous show on television. How they manage to tie it together without coming off like absolute nutbags and hacks is beyond me.

15 – Best line of the night? “Who the hell is Nikki?

This was said by Sawyer just seconds after it was said by 6 million viewers of the show. I love how the writers acknowledged that Nikki and Paulo were never properly introduced, nor were they the least bit important during their brief tenure in front of the camera.

16 – Paulo had about 5 lines of dialogue this week, and nearly every single one of them was unintelligible. Who taught this guy to speak English, Ricardo Montalban?

I just LOVE incredibly recent television nostalgia.
(“Ricardo Montalban?”)

23 – The first 15 minutes were about as predictable as you can get. I called the Soap Opera thing about 5 seconds in, and the Old Producer double-cross about a minute later. I did, however, like the Pulp Fiction-esque handling of the diamonds until the 3rd act. For awhile I was operating under the assumption that there was a monkey’s paw stuffed in that velvet bag. Or Marcellus Wallace’s soul.

Best movie ever.

42 – As the episode was winding down, and we all became informed that Nikki and Paulo were, in fact, being buried alive, I was standing in my living room, shouting “Smash cut! Smash cut!” at the screen. I was so worried that Nikki would spring back to life before they had the chance to bury her, I just wanted the episode to end as quickly as possible. If the episode ended, I thought, then they were truly dead and not coming back to my television next week.

As it were, I’d only accept seeing them again if they were zombies. Now that would be cool.

Cover your ears! Divert your vision from my sexiness! Here comes The Preview!

The Preview - Just for you, baby.

4 – Episode 15 will be titled “Left Behind.” It will be Kate-centric. Expect tank-tops and greasiness aplenty.

8 – The official press release from ABC reads: “After discovering that one of her own has betrayed her to ‘The Others,’ Kate is left to fend for herself in the jungle with Juliet. Meanwhile, Hurley warns Sawyer to change his selfish ways and make amends with his fellow survivors or he may face a vote of banishment.

Come on, please stop softening Sawyer’s character. We already know he’s a halfway decent guy, just let him have his nicknames, beer and porn. It’s all most bearded guys will ever ask for.

15 – Expect to see more cat-and-mouse action between Kate and the Marshall in the flashbacks. I honestly don’t know what else there is to talk about in Kate’s past, but I guess we’ll have to see. We won’t be heading back to the Locke/Anthony storyline for 4 more weeks, so I fully expect this episode to hang around the house and chew scenery. Like Matthew Fox.

16 – I don’t know if you’ve seen the previews or not, but Juliet and Kate appear to be handcuffed together in the jungle, banished from the camp for one reason or another. This leads to an argument, which leads to the mother of all Castaway Catfights. If you’re a Juliet or Kate fan, you just may want to DVR this for future viewings.

Just sayin’.

23 – Remember Cassidy? The girl who had Sawyer’s baby (Clementine)? Well, she’ll be appearing in this episode for some reason. Keep an eye out for her, as it may raise some type of Kate-Sawyer off-island connection.

Or, maybe they’ll just throw her on there to be cutesy and appear clever. They do that sometimes.

42Wrestlemania 23 is this Sunday. Yes, I will be watching it, and yes, it costs $50.

No, I’m not a loser.

Well, maybe I am. Chicks dig me, though.

No. No they don’t.

Well, there you go. Another Lost Friday in the books. Start the discussion in the comments section, or send all private and erotic e-mail to communistdance@yahoo.com. If you feel like supporting the CDP in any way, you can buy some quality merch at the CDP Webstore, or simply make a PayPal donation (the link is in the sidebar). Once you’re done polishing my ego like a Buffalo Nickel, head on over to The Coconut Internet and say hello. They’ll be glad you did.

As always, here are links to every Lost Friday this season. They smell like pine and always tip over 30%. Have a good weekend, kids.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 – Episode 1 Review
Season 3 – Episode 2 Review
Season 3 – Episode 3 Review
Season 3 – Episode 4 Review
Season 3 – Episode 5 Review
Season 3 – Episode 6 Review
Season 3 – Episode 7 Review
Season 3 – Episode 8 Review
Season 3 – Episode 9 Review
Season 3 – Episode 10 Review
Season 3 – Episode 11 Review
Season 3 – Episode 12 Review
Season 3 – Episode 13 Review

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The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

ASS.

(The following is a brief e-mail exchange between the Missus and myself at work this morning. If you were ever wondering how we interact as a couple, this should give you a decent understanding. It has been left unedited; the Missus’ comments are in green.)

Huz-

I think I’m going to stop at the PNS after work and grab a few items since I have no lunch items left. Do you need anything? I don’t want to go full-out grocery shopping b/c we still have quite a few things left, but let me know if you need something things.

Love, Wife

Sliced cheese (any Deli Select kind, if possible)
Mayo (REAL mayo)
Bread
Hamburger buns
That should keep me in business for another week.

Thanks, babe!

-Blabz

Blozzob-

What do you think about taking off the day after Easter? Since we’re going home and it’s a Sunday, maybe it would be nice to have the next day off? Lemme know what you think.

Love,
Globz

Done and done. I’m off.

-Shazbot.

Squazzo-

I have to check and make sure it’s okay, but it should be.

Love,
Bloznob

Glorp,

Shabbadoo-whoppa.

-Dongie-Doo.

Dronb-

Pweep.

-Blazmwag

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Seven Minutes In Heaven.

The CDP Is Far More Emo Than You.

1. “Hey, What’s With The Title Of This Post?”

Beats me. In my teen years, I never had the opportunity to partake in a game of ‘Seven Minutes In Heaven.’ In fact, I would have to say that I never played a game that directly resulted in some sort of sexual activity for me. Spin The Bottle and Strip Poker aside, of course, but that really doesn’t count. Those add up to nothing more than a foul tip in the Baseball game of Life.

When I was 14, I was invited by an 18-year-old to play her in a game of Strip Darts. I really liked this girl, and knew damn well that I was never going to get this kind of a chance again, but chickened out at the last minute. There I was, in her basement with what seemed to be the break of a lifetime, only to turn it down just like any typical 14 year old boy would eventually do. Just a brief scanning of the CDP Archives will remind you that the entire decade of the 90’s was just a series of older women screwing with my head.

Back in Middle School, I was so terrified of the increasing realities of sex that I attempted to avoid them at all costs. My insecurities in myself were at a fever pitch, as were the insecurities of most every boy in the 7th grade, really. Around that time, I vaguely remember being playfully locked in a basement with my then-girlfriend during a party; the raving mob urging us on to make out or something. Instead of taking it like a champ, I responded by busting the door off at the hinges. Her dad showed up, got mad, and everyone had to leave.

…..Smooooth.

I have no idea what prompted me to talk about this, but I thought it was interesting to mention. I’m sitting in the dark right now, listening to Asobi Seksu (beautiful and super-dreamy pop from NYC), and I guess I’m just feeling somberly reminiscent. Let’s bust out of this funk, shall we? All of these stories are for another place and another time; preferably when I have enough ambition to start producing short films.

2. “Hey, What Did You Do This Weekend?”

On Friday, I had some friends over for a spirited Guitar Hero and Mario Kart competition. Beforehand, they had seen Zach Galifianakis perform downtown, which was fantastic, from what they had shared with me. They left at midnight, opting to walk home in the beautiful moonlight and fog. Spring has finally arrived to southeast Wisconsin, and we’re plenty grateful.

The funny thing about Wisconsinites is that, at some point in late winter, we become completely defiant of the temperature and season. After being jerked around one too many times by Mother Nature, we collectively throw our winter coats into the backseat, and proclaim the start of spring. Sure, it may be just as cold as it was in January, but we get to the point where we just have to believe what we tell ourselves, so we don’t chop our family up in the attic. It’s a collective statewide temper tantrum, and I’m usually the first one to fall on my back and kick wildly into the air.

I also checked out 300 and Dead Silence. 300 was worth my time, and I got everything I expected out of it. Dead Silence was a wasted opportunity, and resembled an average episode of Tales From The Crypt at best. I wanted to be scared; it didn’t even come close to happening.

I spent the rest of my time watching the most boring NCAA tournament ever, and contemplating the purchase of an 80GB Video iPod. It’s going to become a reality next week, regardless of if I can afford it or not. As a somewhat-grown man, I’m allowed to make a completely unreasonable decision at an approximate rate of 2 per year. This is one of those occasions.

On Dateline NBC, Chris Hansen is leaving the child predators alone for a few weeks, in favor of tracking down proprietors of Nigerian e-mail scams. Dateline NBC, or the United States government for that matter, cannot legally arrest these people, but there’s nothing that says they can’t humiliate them on national television. It’s good TV that’s attempting to compete with American Idol, so check it out tomorrow if you get the chance.

3. “Hey, What Are You Listening To Right Now?”

Here are the last 10 albums I’ve listened to:

1. Mew – ‘Frengers
2. Asobi Seksu – ‘Citrus
3. Communique – ‘Walk Into The Light
4. Atari Teenage Riot – ‘Burn, Berlin, Burn
5. Arcade Fire – ‘Neon Bible
6. Bayside – ‘Sirens & Condolences
7. Death From Above 1979 – ‘You’re A Woman, I’m A Machine
8. Cursive – ‘The Ugly Organ
9. Smashing Pumpkins – ‘Rotten Apples
10. Modest Mouse – ‘We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank

I cannot tell you how cool it is to see Johnny Marr in Modest Mouse. It should also be mentioned that ‘Brianstorm,’ the new track by the Arctic Monkeys, is absolutely tremendous; you can view the equally fantastic video HERE. Morrissey is coming to Milwaukee in May, and I will be in the front row, pushing women and children aside for the chance to snag one of his many silk shirts.

4. “Hey, What Are You Reading Right Now?”

Mick Foley – The Hardcore Diaries
Davy Rothbart – Found! (Volumes 1 & 2)
Russ Kick – The Disinformation Book Of Lists

5. “Hey, What’s Up With This Hugo Cup Thing?”

We’ll talk about this on Lost Friday.

6. “Hey, You Look Really Hot In That Picture! Did you know that?”

Yeah, I did. Thanks for bringing it up, however.

7. “Hey, I Love Your Page. Can I Interview You Or Something?”

Believe it or not, I’ve had this request show up in my inbox recently. If you want to interview or contact me in any way for your own blog, send an e-mail to communistdance@yahoo.com. I’ve actually been contemplating this idea myself, as there are a few influential bloggers out there that I really would like to chat with. I think it would be a neat idea for bloggers to cross over ideas and popularity, and in tune, give their readers something else to enjoy. For example, if I could snag an interview with Mr. Pork Tornado, that would not only be a neat post to read, it would also send lots of his loyal readers to my page, and vice versa. Everyone wins.

Okay kids, I’m done for today. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your Monday.

Lost Friday – "The Man From Tallahassee."

Lost Friday - Season 3 - Episode 13.
Season 3 – Episode 13: “The Man From Tallahassee.”

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why we watch Lost in the first place.

In recognition of the best episode of Lost in just about forever, the following Lost Friday has been SUPER-SIZED for your enjoyment. Expanded articles, new sections and the return of the photo captions! Let it all wash over you like a fine, imported soap of some sort.

By the way, yet another Lost Friday is upon us. Consider my pants soiled and uncomfortable, but for all the right reasons. We have much to discuss.

Oh, poopie.
(“Oh, really?”)

Honestly, I wasn’t even going to do a recap this week. I was left so entertained and satisfied with this week’s episode, I figured the frantic emoting and fanboy raving alone would warrant a large enough conversation. I have nothing to criticize, nothing to bust on, and just about everything to look forward to. “What’s going to happen now?” For a long time, I didn’t care much about the answer to that question. Now, I’m back on board like it was Season One all over again.

It’s almost as if my faith in humanity has been somewhat restored. Then I see Sanjaya Malakar again, and feel like running my head through the bologna slicer at the Pick-N-Save deli on the thinnest setting. Why that brittle fruit isn’t tucked away in a call center somewhere in Bombay is beyond me. Yeah, I totally said it.

Now step back, take a deep breath and dive into the thickest and meatiest THICK & MEATY ever!

The Thick & Meaty.

FLASHBACKS:

We see Locke being interviewed by a government worker, who will decide if Locke can continue to receive his disability payments. In true Stereotypical Government Worker fashion, she is portrayed as a slightly overweight and sassy black woman. She refuses payments after he reveals that he’s no longer going to therapy; opting instead to focus on his Off-Broadway One-Man Show (‘Don’t Locke me up!’). It’s at this point that we find out Locke was suffering from depression (and rightfully so, really), and he was not yet paralyzed at this juncture.

Dejected, Locke goose-steps home, boards himself up in the bathroom and listens to the Smiths’ Louder Than Bombs on a constant loop. He also cuts himself a few times.

Can't You Read?
(“See? Right here, it says ‘No Dogs Allowed.'”)

Later on, a strapping young lad named Peter Talbot shows up at Locke’s door, questioning him about Anthony Cooper, now operating under the alias ‘Adam Seward.’ Peter suspects that Anthony is a con man looking to marry his mother for her money (good eye, kid), and wants to ask Locke why he donated a kidney to him. Locke lies and tells him that he never actually met Anthony, but invites Peter to stick around and play Guess Who? with him for awhile.

Peter agrees, and orders a Veggie Lovers pizza. Extra Ranch.

Sometimes, it's too easy.
(“Nice rack, Kate.”)

The next day, Locke tracks Anthony down and demands that he call off the wedding. He threatens to tell the woman the truth about him, and Anthony agrees he will handle it. Locke storms out, but not before purchasing a half-dozen arranged roses for his den.

Total cost? $35 plus tax. Not too bad; plus, it looks very inviting next to the Farrah Fawcett poster. Say what you want about Locke, but he knows how to bring out the character of a room.

Upon arrival back to his apartment, Locke is confronted by two detectives looking for information on Peter. Locke fibs around a little bit, but eventually finds out that Peter has been murdered. Locke then yells, “Look behind you!” and scampers away, screaming “Suckers!” as his voice fades to silence. Realizing they’ve been had, the two detectives make out a little before heading back to the station. At the very least, it makes them feel like they’re important to someone.

Sing us a song, you're the piano dork.
(Jack’s learning how to play “It’s Raining Men.”)

Eventually, Locke tracks down his dad again, in a posh penthouse suite/house deal. Locke wants to know what happened, but Anthony states that he’s a con man, not a murderer…..

He then says “Oh yeah, I am a murderer,” and then tries to murder Locke by murdering him out of the 8th story murder window. Locke falls; his back snapping like a handful of uncooked spaghetti. At the hospital, the detectives tell Locke that Anthony fled to Mexico and hasn’t been located. He’s then placed in a wheelchair, where he stares at his lifeless legs and bawls his eyes out.

Man, John Locke is so emo, he should be walking around in one of those black hoodies with the skeletons on them. I bet he has a My Chemical Romance tattoo on his bicep.

Larry, Moe and Locke.
(Torture No Evil, Horseface No Evil & Bald No Evil.)

OTHERVILLE:

Kate, Sayid, Locke and Rousseau (or The Mount Rushmore Of Ugly, as I like to call them), sneak up to the Barracks and see Jack tossing around a football with Tom. They wait until Jack has wrapped up his ‘Cabbage Patch’ before they advance on him.

Kate shows up in Jack’s living quarters to find him playing the piano. Jack tries to explain to her that there are cameras everywhere and she will be caught, but she insists on playing ‘Heart & Soul’ with him. This ends badly, as it always does.

Nasty.
(“Damn…do they have an Asteroids machine in that rec room?”)

Meanwhile, Locke surprises Ben in his bed and asks him where the submarine is. Ben plays it cool, saying “What’s a submarine?” Locke grins, scratches his head and shoots him in the knee. He sends Alex to retrieve his backpack from Sayid, which contains the C4. While they are waiting, Locke helps himself to some chicken and checks out the first few minutes of Entourage on HBO.

Ben is curious about Locke’s injuries, mainly because he wants to know why he’s not recovering as fast as Locke did on the island. He mentions that since the Swan Hatch exploded, nothing has been working correctly and the submarine is the only way off. He pleads with Locke not to blow it up, stating that the only reason he wants to is so he never has to face his fears on the mainland. Locke is unresponsive, and heads out whistling “Back In Black” to himself.

Jack explains to Kate that he made a deal with Ben and will be leaving with Juliet the next morning. Later on, he makes Ben promise that the rest of his friends will also be sent home afterwards. Ben agrees, but starts laughing maniacally and rubbing his hands together for some strange reason.

Sorry 'bout that.
(This is what happens when you let George W. Bush steer the boat. Happy?)

The crew starts heading for the submarine, when it explodes due to Locke’s rigging. Everyone’s taken prisoner again, and Ben privately thanks Locke for allowing him to keep his word and dominant status on the island. He also calls him and idiot and tells him that he ruined everything. Everything!

The last shot of the episode shows us that for one reason or another, Anthony Cooper has made his way to the island. This segues perfectly into a new segment here at the CDP, entitled:

5 Awesome Things...

This week’s topic is: 5 Awesome Things… Locke can do to kill Anthony.

1 – Rig him up to some sort of electrical device, so that every time he blinks, he craps his pants.

2 – Force Anthony to build an 8 story tower, then throw him off of the roof.

3 – Have him stand alone in the middle of the jungle, screaming “The Smoke Monster is a homo!” at the top of his lungs. Wait briefly and enjoy.

Where's my kidney, you ass!?
(“You may have my kidney, but at least I’m not paralyzed!”)

4 – Shoot him in the face by accident before we can get any real answers. That’s what they normally do; why mess with the formula?

5 – Just paralyze him and rip out one of his kidneys. There; Even Steven.

Enough speculation and murder revenge fantasies; let’s BREAK IT DOWN!

Break It Down!

4 – Boy, it’s nice to have the real John Locke back. Not only is Terry O’Quinn one of the best actors on television, his character is one of the most tortured and deeply thought-out in years. Amazing, amazing stuff. Every time Locke gets his own episode, I’m completely blown away by this guy. If I were in his shoes, I would have killed myself about ten times over by now. Truly one of the best anti-heroes I’ve seen in probably forever.

That is, of course, until they finally greenlight the CDP TV show. Locke’s got nothing on me.

8 – When Locke, Sayid, Kate and Rousseau scaled the Giant Security Microwave (GSM) surrounding the barracks, how did they expect to get back out? Seriously, there’s no way out, as far as they know. Unless there’s a Pole Vault hidden somewhere in that Dharma Community Center, our team is totally screwed.

Say it with flowers.
(The very sight of Petunias sends Locke into a textbook fit of rage.)

15 – Boy, is Jack going to be angry with Locke for blowin’ up that submarine. Hoo-boy!

16 – Obviously, the Others had no idea about the Swan Hatch or the importance behind it. When that thing blew up, their communications disappeared and just about everything else went to hell. In the next few weeks, we’ll find out exactly what they know about the island, along with that correlation they had to Dharma.

They’ve got a rec room with pool and foosball, though, so it can’t be all that bad.

What were you eating?
(“You got a little cream cheese….right there… want me to get it?”)

23 – I think that Ben has surpassed Sawyer for the title of ‘Biggest Jackass on the Island.’ Even in the face of death and permanent paralyzation, Ben still busted out all sorts of decent insults against Locke, creating a sort of verbal jousting we haven’t seen since the Jack/Locke power struggle of Season Two.

Sure, he’s pure evil and a little feminine, but I still dig that Ben fellow. Dumb little turd.

42 – How did Locke know how to rig up and detonate the C4? Should we even care?

Nah, the hell with it. This episode ruled. I will hear nothing in rebuttal. NOTHING.

The Missus Sez: Spoiler Alert!
(This week’s preview is being sponsored by The Missus.)

Cover your ears, Spoiler Nerds! Here comes THE PREVIEW!

4 – Next week’s episode is entitled “Expose’.” It is Nikki and Paulo-centric. Crap.

8 – The official press release from ABC reads: “Hurley begins to suspect that Sawyer may be involved in an island mystery surrounding two fellow survivors, and Sun learns the truth about her past kidnapping attempt by The Others.

Charlie and Sawyer had better pray that Jin doesn’t get word of their mock-kidnapping of Sun last season. I get the feeling that Jin could skin them alive in less than a minute, beards and all.

15 – Shannon and Boone will show back up in this episode, presumably in the flashbacks of Nikki and Paulo. Apparently, they are going to show the new couple a thing or two about being completely worthless characters.

Locke's a hungry man.
(Emeril at home.)

16 – Apart from some huge Island mythology being spilled in this episode, we will also find out that one of the characters is gay. Yup, and it’s not even Sweeps!

23 – Someone’s going to die during this episode, and it’s not going to be Charlie.

Damn it all to hell.

42 – Dr. Arzt will be in this episode. Seriously! The exploded guy!

Well, there you have it. A super-sized Lost Friday for a truly great episode. Start the discussion in the comments section, or send private love letters to communistdance@yahoo.com. If you want to show your appreciation with money, feel free to make a donation (in the sidebar) or purchase something from The CDP Webstore. Once your done stroking my ego like a newborn kitten, head on over to The Coconut Internet and say hello.

As always, here are links from every single Lost Friday this season. Enjoy, and have a great weekend, ya’ losers.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 – Episode 1 Review
Season 3 – Episode 2 Review
Season 3 – Episode 3 Review
Season 3 – Episode 4 Review
Season 3 – Episode 5 Review
Season 3 – Episode 6 Review
Season 3 – Episode 7 Review
Season 3 – Episode 8 Review
Season 3 – Episode 9 Review
Season 3 – Episode 10 Review
Season 3 – Episode 11 Review
Season 3 – Episode 12 Review

Lost Friday – "Par Avion."

Lost Friday - Par Avion.
Season 3 – Episode 12: “Par Avion.”

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

Well, things are starting to get back to normal at CDP Headquarters. I got my office back, I can drive my car without feeling terrified and my heating bill has dropped to under $200 a month. Starting today, I’m back to my daily workout regimen in preparation for the April 28 Crazylegs Classic in downtown Madison. soon thereafter, I will establish my very own CDP Fight Club, which will take place in my unfinished basement every third Friday of the month (bring towels, alcohol and music). Oh, and did I mention the NCAA Tournament?

Cherish these moments, man…cherish these moments.

Another week, another rock-solid episode of Lost. While this season seems to have less of an overall vision and psychological theme, I have been enjoying the sub-plots and mini-missions our castaways have been partaking in. This week was no different, as we appear to be setting up a storyline that should carry us right into Season 4.

You know, if it doesn’t get canceled or something. Which could totally happen.

Enough pessimism! Bring on the Thin & Meager!

The Thin & Meager

FLASHBACKS:

Claire caused a car accident that put her mom in a long-term coma. For shame!

Christian Shepard is Claire’s daddy. The man gets around.

Claire looks far better with black hair.

ON THE BEACH:

Charlie is trying very hard to sleep with Claire.

Claire wants to catch a tagged bird and attach a note to it. Charlie thinks this is stupid, because it is.

Desmond saves Charlie’s life again, although they have to let Claire in on the secret, due to her constant whining.

Claire does not sleep with Charlie.

EN ROUTE TO THE BARRACKS:

Locke steals some C4 from the Flame station and throws prisoner into giant microwave.

Prisoner explodes.

A-squad infiltrates the Hostile’s camp. Find Jack playing football with Tom. Leave.

Done. Let’s Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 – Christian is Claire’s dad. This makes Jack and Claire siblings. Fantastic.

I’ll admit, it was a great angle for those who hadn’t figured it out yet (I knew a year ago, losers!), but personally, I won’t be satisfied until things get incestuous. Just one kiss, that’s all I ask for somewhere down the line.

Please don’t tell me that I was the only one thinking that would be a good storyline. It’s sweeps, damn it!

8 – Locke is still acting like a bit of a bumbling fool. On the bright side, he’s becoming more of a main character again, and we have no idea what he’s up to. One of the best parts of Season 2 was trying to figure out just who’s side Locke was on. Once again, we’re left to question exactly what in the hell’s going on in his head.

My guess is he just wants to blow something up, and maybe feed a few more guys into that giant reactor that microwaves people from the inside-out.

I can accept that.

15 – ‘Olsen-twin lookalike’ comments aside, Claire was looking downright saucy in the flashbacks. Dense eyes, pitch-black hair, a horrible attitude and crippling emotional problems; now that’s my kind of girl. I was almost able to overlook how absolutely annoying of a character Claire is.

Almost. The Aussie accent is only hot if you’re not whining all the damn time.

16 – It’s good to know that the whole situation with Claire, Desmond and Charlie was worked out. In my personal opinion, I think Claire should sleep with Charlie at least once. If anything, just to shut him up and say thanks for the last 80 days of companionship. The guy’s been working really hard here, Claire; you should at least acknowledge it.

Furthermore, watching Charlie in a sex scene would be the equivalent to seeing someone commit suicide on live television. It’s going to haunt you forever, but you know you’re gunna watch.

23 – How long has Sun been pregnant now? She was looking about as thin and purty as ever this week. Chalk it all up to the Island’s magical powers, I guess.

Whatever the case, keep doing what you’re doing, Magical Island. And maybe bring me some Cinnamon Twists from Taco Bell. Those things rule.

42 – When Lost finally reaches its ending, I’m going to publish a book with every single Lost Friday within. Will you buy it? I need to know before I start putting work into it.

The CDP is set for at least two book releases this year, and I wanted to see if there was a market for a third. Why? Because I like money and want to quit my job.

Please help me make this dream of money and not working come true.

Tiny Spoilers Ahoy! Here comes The Preview!

The Man From That One Place That's Hard To Spell.

4 – Episode 13 is titled “The Man From Tallahassee.” It will be Locke-centric. Expect him to be flaunting that C4 around like he was Cock of the Walk (that made me laugh quite hard when I said it to myself).

8 – Yes, this is the episode where we FINALLY FIND OUT WHY LOCKE WAS PARALYZED. According to Terry O’Quinn; “I was afraid it’d be anticlimactic. It’s not. It’s pretty stunning. You’re gonna go, ‘Man, no wonder this guy wants to stay here!‘”

I love Locke episodes, because not only is he the best character (and actor) on the entire damn show, but his flashbacks are some of the most heartbreaking and vast stories on TV. I’m telling you, John Locke is one of the most amazing characters in television history.

15 – The official episode description reads: “Ben tries to talk Locke out of his destructive plan by offering him some island secrets. Meanwhile, Kate’s reunion with Jack does not go off as planned when she discovers he has made a deal with the Others.”

Of course he made a deal with the Others! Wouldn’t you? If I possessed some gift that they so desperately needed, I’d be strutting around that island like I was Cock of the Walk!

16 – Michael Emerson (Ben) sez: “There’s some role reversal that takes place there. Someone that’s used to being in power is dis-empowered and someone sort of takes charge in an interesting way.”

Awesome! I was wondering when they were going to start getting into bondage on this show.

23 – Hey, the Others have a submarine!

Finally, they will address this theory that Internet nerds have been pining over for a year-and-a-half. Raise your cans of Mountain Dew and rejoice!

42 – You know what would bring more viewers back to this show? A little full-frontal nudity, about once every 4 episodes or so. It works for HBO, why not ABC? I’ll nominate Sawyer to go first, because I believe in chivalry and the power of the age 18-29 female demographic.

Well, there you have it. Another Lost Friday submitted for worldwide viewing and enjoyment. If you like what you see here at the CDP, feel free to make a donation (the link is in the sidebar) or buy something at the CDP Webstore. Sound off in the comments section and send all erotic photography or hate mail to communistdance@yahoo.com. Once you’re done with all of that, head on over to The Coconut Internet and say hello. They’ll be glad you came.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 – Episode 1 Review
Season 3 – Episode 2 Review
Season 3 – Episode 3 Review
Season 3 – Episode 4 Review
Season 3 – Episode 5 Review
Season 3 – Episode 6 Review
Season 3 – Episode 7 Review
Season 3 – Episode 8 Review
Season 3 – Episode 9 Review
Season 3 – Episode 10 Review
Season 3 – Episode 11 Review

NEXT WEEK – “LOOK AROUND YOU.”
(The funniest TV series you may have never seen.)