The Funniest Thing I’ve Ever Said.

The funniest thing I've ever seen.

When I was 10 years old, I was eating lunch with a group of friends at school.

They were conversing, wasting the afternoon by throwing lame jokes back and forth.

I spaced out for a few seconds, pausing to watch a girl that I fancied as she walked by.

During this space of no more than 5 seconds, a question was asked of me by my group of friends.

I wasn’t listening to them, and had no idea what they had asked me.

When I turned back around to acknowledge them, they were all staring at me, waiting on what my answer would be.

Not caring enough to have them repeat the question, I improvised, shrugging my shoulders and saying “It depends.”

I was met with no less than 3 straight minutes of uproarious laughter.

Milk squirted out of one guy’s nose. Another guy fell off of his chair. Another guy was crying.

I maintained my deadpan demeanor, honestly unaware of what had just happened.

This only made them laugh harder.

I never asked what the question was, but it’s probably best that I don’t know.

And that was the funniest thing I’ve ever said.

Lost Friday – "Stranger In A Strange Land."

Lost Friday - Episode 9.
Season 3 – Episode 9: “Stranger In A Strange Land.”

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

Or do we?

What happened this week? Did anything happen this week? Beats me, because I started nodding off about halfway through it. I understand that it’s always nice to catch our breath after a few weeks of crazy plot advancement, but I’m fairly certain that we did nothing but hang around the house this week. After what happened with Desmond last Wednesday, “Stranger In A Strange Land” paled by comparison.

The ratings have dropped, the timeslot has changed, the story’s getting more confusing and less interesting. Perfect.

I’m a believer in giving as much as you get, so I’m only putting as much effort into this week’s Lost Friday as I feel the writers of this week’s episode have given to me. How biblical.

So, in lieu of the Thick & Meaty, I present to you the Thin & Meager.

Thin & Meager.


Jack heads to Thailand to ‘find himself.’ Along the way, he manages to stumble head-first into what has to be the single most beautiful woman in the entire country, named Achara. Jack and Achara begin a tryst that lasts about a month, in which they exchange vegetarian recipes and old episodes of MST3K on VHS.

Jack finds out that Achara is a tattoo artist, mainly because she never has any money and constantly reeks of weed. She claims that she’s able to tattoo people with her vision of what kind of person they are. Jack demands to be inked, and Achara obliges, drawing a Gingerbread house on the small of his back. The locals aren’t keen on Jack’s ‘Scamp Stamp,’ so they beat the crap out of him and make him leave the country. Soon thereafter, Achara is beamed back to her home planet.

This marks the first time in history that an American doctor has gone to Thailand without having sex with a child.

(Hey there, Achara.
Just thought you might want to know
You’re an alien.)


Kate and Sawyer are paddling back to shore. Kate wants to go back for Jack. Sawyer says no. Karl mutters and pees his pants. The world collectively yawns and scratches itself.

Karl misses Alex. Sawyer tells him that it’s okay to be a big sissy. Karl blows his nose on Sawyer’s shirt. Sawyer shoots Karl.

Kate and Sawyer are on the rocks concerning their relationship, as Jack is always in the back of Kate’s mind. The storyline circles the drain and gurgles thusly.

Achara Too.
(The question I’ll ask;
You are not from around here.
What is your species?)


Juliet is on trial for killing Danny. Jack wants to help, but he’s too busy having pointless flashbacks. Eventually, Jack lies for Juliet and she is spared, only after being branded with the Star of Bethlehem.

Cindy and the rest of the kidnapped children gather around Jack’s cage to ‘watch.’ Jack angrily growls and scares them off. We learn nothing as to what’s going on with them, which is the theme of the evening.

Jack realizes what Juliet did to help him and his friends, so he decides to nurse Ben back to help in exchange for his word. In return, Ben pardons Juliet. By the end of the episode, they’re all sailing back to the main island, where the Others live and be merry. Fade to black; I throw a beer bottle at the TV and go to bed.

Sorry, kids. Them’s the breaks for giving me nothing to work with. Let’s Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 – Again; an American doctor in Thailand, and he’s not looking for child prostitutes? No way! I’ve had to suspend my disbelief a lot for this show, but I’m drawing the line here.

8 – In hindsight for the Others, it didn’t make much sense to send your only doctor to infiltrate the Castaways and start killing people. There must have been a better way to utilize that guy. His hands are delicate, for God’s sake!

15 – Jack’s tattoo was a huge letdown. It means exactly what I thought it meant. Fantastic.

Achara Also.
(Until this moment
Did not know you existed
Then you ate my brain.)

16 – At the end of the episode, we were supposed to feel bad for Alex and Karl, being separated after such a traumatic ordeal. In tune, I yelled “Don’t care!” at the television before I shut it off. Why? Because I don’t care, and nobody else should. Those characters don’t nearly have enough depth to generate an emotional response from the audience, especially when they’re up against Kate and Sawyer.

23 – Last week, Lost boasted some of their lowest ratings ever. I can’t imagine this episode doing any better. To write an entire episode around the significance of a tattoo, you won’t exactly be roping the fans in.

42 – Screw this.

It’s time for The Preview. Tiny Spoilers Ahoy!

Tricia Tanaka Is Dead. Y'all Better Rekanize!

4 – Episode 10 is titled “Tricia Tanaka is Dead.” It will be Hurley-centric.

8 – The official preview from ABC reads: “Hurley’s discovery of an old, wrecked car on the island leads him on a mission of hope not only for himself, but for a fellow survivor in need of some faith. Meanwhile, Kate and Sawyer reunite with their fellow castaways, but Kate is still torn about leaving Jack behind with “The Others.”

15 – In flashbacks, we’ll see Cheech Marin playing the role of Hurley’s dad. We’ll also see the Chicken Shack destroyed by a meteor, per Hurley’s story last season.

16 – Rousseau will return this week, crazy as ever.

Achara Again.
(Touching my fingers
Never wash my hands again
Take me back with you.)

23TV Guide states: “Happy days are here again when Hurley enlists Sawyer, Jin and Charlie to help him get that metal wreck started. Sawyer, meanwhile, sets a new record for most pop-culture references uttered in a single Lost episode. In addition to a Little House shout-out, the con artist formerly known as James Ford name-drops IHOP, Hooked on Phonics and Skeletor. Rocky III even gets a little plug, but that one Sawyer can’t take credit for.”

42 – As most Hurley episodes go, expect this one to be funny, charming and not too focused on serious storyline advancement. I’m actually looking forward to it. I’ve always liked the Hurley episodes.

Well, there you have it. The leanest, meanest Lost Friday ever. Sound off in the comments section and send hate mail or erotic photos to When you’re done with all of that, head on over to The Coconut Internet and tell them I’m an ass. They’ll laugh heartily. As always, here are links to every Lost Friday this season.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 – Episode 1 Review
Season 3 – Episode 2 Review
Season 3 – Episode 3 Review
Season 3 – Episode 4 Review
Season 3 – Episode 5 Review
Season 3 – Episode 6 Review
Season 3 – Episode 7 Review
Season 3 – Episode 8 Review

My Baby Daddy.

It's over. It's all over.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the very definition of fear.

Look at me. Just look at me. I’m white as a sheet, my hair is all messed up and an absolute rictus of terror is painted on my face. It’s embarrassing, but I thought you needed to see this; if anything, to drive the point home that I’m not Father material. Merely clutching a baby is enough to send me into a panic spiral worthy of the strongest of medications.

You know, I have a very short list of the most terrifying things I’ve ever done. I’ve nearly drown, suffered multiple car accidents, stood in dozens of weddings and once ate at White Castle. But the amount of responsibility and trust that goes into caring for another human life is far beyond the reaches of what I can accomplish as a man. Even learning to play the drums was a real pain in the ass for me, how could I ever reach the level of awareness necessary to raise a kid?

I give my sister all the credit in the world. The way that she expertly handles and cares for Evan must closely resemble the way my own Mother cared for me. He’s showered with attention, always safe from harm and learning from the best. Obviously, this is a hereditary trait that men usually are born lacking. That’s fine with me, however, because I don’t want it. I have plenty of other things that I’m good at, like alienating friends and going to Best Buy every time I get drunk.

That’s how I ended up with the entire Mama’s Family DVD boxed set. I highly doubt I’m going to watch that, sober or otherwise.

I know the plan, though. Me and the Missus are more than likely going to have a baby one day. When that day comes, a switch of undying love and admiration will flick on in my head, instantly transforming me into the amazing Father I thought I never could be. I’ll change diapers, stay up all hours of the night and swear to the Heavens that I will protect and love my child until the end of time.

Until that day comes, I’m perfectly content in being terrified. Suits me just fine.

The Missus is scared, too. She fears that she lacks the Motherly genes necessary to perform at such a demanding level. I always remind her that she’s been wiping the crust out of my eyes for 8 years now, so having a baby might as well be a vacation for her. At least with a baby, there won’t be any sass-back and nightly propositions for sex. We hope.

We have a game plan when it comes to the idea of having children. About once or twice a year, we revisit the Baby Conversation. We take a look at our standard of life, our debt-to-income ratio, our overall goals and plans for the upcoming year and other contributing factors. We take into consideration what we want to do as a married couple, what kind of life we can provide a newborn baby, and if we’re ready to accept the most important responsibility in the world. We use dry-erase boards, transparencies and multiple-colored markers. It’s a good time.

So far, it’s not part of the cards. Five years from now? You never know. The Missus is 23 years old, so it’s not like we’re anywhere near approaching a deadline. Furthermore, I wouldn’t be surprised if I was more sterile than my kitchen countertops. I’d prefer it, actually, so we could adopt one of those Chinese babies I keep hearing so much about. They come pre-equipped with Excel, PowerPoint and Word.

Look at that picture again, though. What an adorable, tiny baby. It’s almost like a slight-of-hand parlor trick. “Never mind the money and life-changing responsibility, he’s so cute! We just have to have one!”

I always try to keep level-headed about this. Babies grow up. They start talking back, running around the house and breaking your breakables. They get older and start getting into trouble at school. They begin hanging out with the wrong crowd. Before you know it, they’re living in a refrigerator box behind the bakery, straining Rubbing Alcohol through yesterday’s toast, and you’re left to wonder where you went so very wrong.

Furthermore, I work over 8 hours a day, sleep 8 hours a night and watch at least 40 hours of TV a week. Throw in some time to eat, pee and work out, and we’re actually approaching what Stephen Hawking likes to call ‘negative time’ at this point. It’s universally impossible, and might actually suck the entire planet into a vortex of darkness and Fisher-Price toys.

People always tell me that if I wait for the right time to have a child, it will never arrive. Honestly, I don’t have a problem with that. I always wait for the right time to do everything, why would I break tradition on the most important decision of my life? Any time I’ve ever jumped head-first into a hastily-made decision, I always end up without a car or in prison.

I think part of the problem is that I get most of my parenting skills from my dad. If you knew my dad, you’d know that he could teach me everything he knew about children during a commercial break. When he was to babysit Evan last weekend, he called my sister and asked if Evan was able to eat steak. My dad also bought Evan a hunting knife for Christmas.

Now that I think about it, I probably inherited my sense of humor from my dad. He knows exactly what he’s doing, which is far funnier than if he was just being lazy and ignorant. I never got the joke when I was younger, but I’ve grown to understand it as an adult. The illusion of ignorance creates a protective shield around you, which allows you to get away with doing things you couldn’t normally do if viewed as a respected and intelligent parent.

This is currently where I stand. Holding that damn baby gave me a feeling of connection and love that I honestly didn’t think I’d ever have. The realization that it’s my destiny to one day have a child scared the holy hell out of me, and now I have to understand that it’s inevitable. That photograph was taken during a split-second moment of clarity, for better or for worse.

Through it all, this was never a question of whether or not I could be a good dad, it was whether or not I could admit that I wanted to be one.

So, do I?

Of course not; are you on crack?

Nothing’s More Exciting Than A Sports Post.

Ohio State Fears Wisconsin. Say hello to the new #1.


After weeks of being overshadowed by an overrated Florida squad, along with being curbsided by both voting committees, the Wisconsin Badgers are finally being acknowledged as the #1 college basketball team in the nation. As of Monday afternoon, the Associated Press bumped the deserving Badgers up to the throne, setting the stage for a monumental matchup this Sunday at #2 Ohio State.

Wisconsin Fears Ohio State. Say hello to the new #2.

Hey, there.

Currently ranked #1 in the USA Today Coaches Poll (and #2 in the AP), Ohio State doesn’t have as many wins as Wisconsin, who also hold a home victory over the Buckeye squad. The matchup on Sunday will not only determine an undisputed #1 team, but almost assuredly lock up an overall #1 seed during March Madness. This matchup will be, hands down, the biggest and most highly anticipated game of the year.

If you’re a fan of either team, or simply a fan of college basketball in general, this is the closest thing to Christmas in February. CDP Headquarters is based out of Madison, Wisconsin, and the already notorious party-town is set to explode heading into March.

Awesome, awesome, awesome. I cannot wait until Sunday. I don’t even consider myself to be a typical douchebag sports fan, either. I’m genuinely looking forward to being entertained by the two best college basketball teams in the land.

One thing I really love about the Badgers is coach Bo Ryan. Apart from being one of the most methodical and passionate coaches in the game, I get a kick out of the fact that he looks like he could murder everyone in the arena during game day. That guy always looks stunned and incredulous, and that alone is entertaining enough. That’s the kind of guy I want in charge of my team.

Badger tickets are about as difficult to snag as Packer tickets in Wisconsin (although my family has Packer season tickets, fool!), so I’ll probably be watching the game at CDP Headquarters with a bowl full of Cool Ranch Doritos and a bottle of New Glarus Spotted Cow Ale.

Sound off in the comments section, and bow to the new #1.

Do You Swag Like I Swag?

Wisconsin's Best Wrestler.
(Brought to you by a pissed-off Austin Starr; Wisconsin’s best pro wrestler.)

Every now and again, loyal CDP readers will send me photos of themselves enjoying one of the many different kinds of quality merch found at the CDP Webstore. I always get a kick out of this, because not only are these folks kind enough to buy something that endorses the CDP, they take the time to send me a photo of said endorsement.

It’s always appreciated, and every photo will be published on the CDP. The webstore is HERE, and my e-mail is Thanks in advance.

Today, we have four different photos from two different sources. The first pair comes to us from CDP Network alumni, JT. Some of you may remember that back in November of ’06, JT was nice enough to send us photographs of himself rocking a CDP t-shirt at a tailgate party.

As you may or may not know, JT is an avid fan (ie. borderline alcoholic) of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. PBR is brewed and manufactured in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, less than an hour from CDP Headquarters. As luck would have it, I was invited to guest judge a stand-up comedy competition in December that was sponsored by the fine folks at PBR. In tune, we were overloaded with all sorts of free PBR swag. Free drinks, sweatshirts, iron-ons and the like.

One particular piece of swag that caught my eye was a stack of no less than 100 temporary PBR tattoos. Knowing that JT would have a far better time with these than I would, I quickly snatched them up, threw them in an official CDP envelope and shipped them down to South Carolina.

Herein, the aftermath.

PBR Guys.
(I count at least six tattoos. Six sexy tattoos.)

I like how the girls and guys were split into two groups for the photograph. What was this, a Sadie Hawkins party?

PBR Girls.
(This photo was censored because all of the ladies are under 10 years old.)

I wasn’t sure if these ladies would like me to throw their photo onto the internets, so I went the extra step to block out their faces, just in case. I really don’t need a lawsuit at this point in my life. They were cool with me seeing the photos in private, though, so what’s a few thousand more sets of eyes?

When I started the CDP, I had dreamt of a world where women would willingly send me photographs of their tattooed midriffs and rear-ends. I consider this a testament to my clout and prowess as a blogger, and I’m deeply humbled to achieve this milestone. Thanks, JT!

Moving on.

The next two photographs come from longtime CDP friend Tammy. She had just moved into a historic apartment that has seen more than a few college students in its day. Somewhere along the way, a tradition started to leave a sticker or two somewhere in said apartment. Not one to break a longstanding streak, Tammy purchased a few CDP stickers and had a go:

Rocking The Barcode.

Here’s another angle:

Rocking The Barcode II.


Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your Monday.

Lost Friday – "Flashes Before Your Eyes."

Lost Friday - Episode 8.
Season 3 – Episode 8: “Flashes Before Your Eyes.”

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

Folks, I’m not going to lie to you; I feel like absolute twice-baked crap today. I called in sick this morning, hoping to shake the feeling of lingering death and general pukery that’s been following me around for the last three days. After sleeping in to the obscene hour of 9am (blasphemy!), I tottled into the kitchen (naked, naturally) to realize that I had absolutely nothing to eat in the house.

I had been holding off on grocery shopping for a week or so, mainly because it’s 85 below zero in my neck of the woods and the market is at least 50 whole yards from my doorstep. That being said, I needed something to eat, so I made my way to Cousin’s Subs, where I purchased a 16-inch veggie sub on Garlic Herb bread with an extra quart of mayo. I ate the whole thing in under five minutes, collapsed on the couch and slipped into a light coma.

As you can imagine, this did nothing for my immune system. All I know for certain is that I’m just one step closer to a full-blown Myocardial Infarction. On the bright side, Wednesday’s episode of Lost was one of the trippiest and left-of-center flashback encounters we’ve ever seen, throwing Desmond into the character forefront and turning in an emmy-worthy performance in the process.

Let’s roll up our sleeves and dig into the Thick & Meaty. Chew 30 times before swallowing.

The Thick & Meaty.


The episode starts with Charlie and Hurley dividing up Sawyer’s stash of embarrassingly dated pornography. Desmond shows up and tells them that Locke and Sayid have a surprise for them (candy!) in the jungle. The second they scamper away, Desmond snatches an armload of Playpens and heads for his tent. The September 1976 issue has Shannon Tweed on the cover, so you’re not going to want to miss out on that.

Locke lets Charlie and Hurley know that Eko is dead, but they need to save their schoolgirl freak-out for another day, as it might frighten the rest of the castaways. To add to the “WTF?” nature of the conversation, Locke informs them that “the island killed Eko.” Charlie then pretends to hear someone calling his name, backs away slowly and is never seen again.

My Sun fix for the week.
(Yoon-Jin Kim probably made $50,000 for two seconds of airtime, but it was totally worth it.)

It should be noted here that even though Eko’s corpse is probably still warm, I miss that guy like crazy. I can almost see him in heaven, bashing guys with rocks for all of eternity.

Desmond, who has been looking squirrelly the entire time, makes a beeline for the beach, where he finds Claire being washed into the ocean. Apparently, Claire thought that the ocean “was trying to hurt [her] bay-bee!” and took offense. Desmond, looking as rugged and bristly as ever, saves Claire as Charlie acts like a nebbish on the sidelines.

Charlie wants to know how Desmond knew that Claire was in trouble, especially considering that he has already saved her once before. Desmond doesn’t give an answer, and tries several times to get back to his newly acquired porno stash. Charlie stays on him though, and tricks Desmond into getting absolutely, retardedly plastered* with him and Hurley on the shore.

*Line stolen from JT.

Hurley's drunk...on ham.
(Hurley is completely drunk….on HAM!)

After several hours of boozing it up, Charlie starts to grill Desmond for answers, to which he responds by getting up and leaving. When Charlie calls him a coward, Desmond flips his well-groomed wig and tackles our favorite smack-addict, screaming “Yah dooon’t want to knoooow, broootha!

Sure we doooo, Desmond. Sure we doooo.


We’re treated to a scene from the Season Two finale, where the Swan Hatch starts imploding faster than Ryan Leaf in NFL training camp. Desmond grabs the ‘Blow Everything Right The Hell Up‘ Key and gives it a quick turn. The screen goes white, the world seemingly ends, and we’re sent back even further in time with Desmond.

The following flashback recap comes to us courtesy of Lostpedia. I don’t plan on making a habit out of copy/paste jobs, but as I said earlier, I feel terrible and need a nap. Enjoy this little bit of plagiarism:

I love alcohol!
(This looks just like my Dad’s senior yearbook photo.)

He wakes up lying on a wood floor, with what looks like blood all over him. He looks around and sees a can of red paint and a ladder turned on its side. Penny runs over to him and asks if he’s okay. He realizes that they are in his old flat in the past. Delighted to be back with Penny, he kisses and embraces her.

Desmond is fixing his tie and glances at the clock, which reads 1:08. Penny helps him as he tells her how glad he is that she just moved in. They discuss Desmond’s impending meeting with her father, and Penny says that if it doesn’t go well it won’t be the “end of the world.” This phrase disturbs Desmond, especially since he hears the sound of the countdown timer beeping – but it turns out to just be the microwave. Penny asks if he’s alright and he says he just has deja vu.

Desmond checks in with the Widmore receptionist. A delivery man arrives with a “parcel for 815”. The mention of “815” brings up a flash of the numbers in the mind of Desmond and momentarily unsettles him again.

Mr. Widmore discusses Desmond’s resume with him. Desmond was a set designer for the Royal Shakespeare company. He didn’t graduate from University because he had to look after his brothers after something happened to his father. He had no military experience. Desmond compliments Mr. Widmore’s ship model, and Widmore says that he is sponsoring a race around the world, which causes Desmond to flash on his own future boat. He offers Desmond a position in the administrative department, but Desmond tells him he isn’t there for a job. Instead, he wants to ask his permission to marry Penny.

Widmore calls it a noble gesture and takes out a bottle of MacCutcheon Scotch Whiskey and two glasses. But he only pours whiskey into one glass, saying that one swallow costs more than Desmond would make in a month, and sharing it with him would be a waste because he will never be a great man. Not being worthy to drink his whiskey, how could he be worthy to marry his daughter?

Claire at her best.

(Claire, putting on one of her better performances in awhile.)

Outside, Desmond comes upon Charlie playing guitar and singing “Wonderwall” to the crowd for change on the sidewalk. Desmond claims to recognize him and flashes to Charlie during the hatch system failure. Desmond says he knows Charlie’s name, but Charlie points to the sign below him with his name written on it. Desmond has more flashes and starts freaking out. He starts remembering the time he has just experienced and how it started to rain. Just then, it begins to pour.

Desmond finds his friend Donovan at a research library, who is a physicist, to ask him about time travel. Desmond ask him if it’s possible that he’s reliving part of his life, but Donovan suggests his mind is just reacting to his failure with Widmore by giving him a role of importance on the island. Donovan says that if he is reliving his life, he should be able to predict what happens next. Desmond says he can’t remember everything, but then the song “Make Your Own Kind Of Music” comes on the jukebox, and he gets another flash. He says that Graybridge comes back from two goals down in the final two minutes of the game and wins. Right after, someone will come in and hit the bartender with a bat because he owes him money. They watch the game, but the team fails to score. Desmond, disappointed, accepts Donovan’s advice to get on with his life and marry Penny.

Desmond comes home and tells Penny he didn’t get the job. She suggests they go out and celebrate the occasion that she loves him. He asks why she loves him and she says it’s because he’s a ‘good man,’ and in her experience, they are hard to come by. They kiss.

Desmond looks at rings in a jewelry shop. Ms. Hawking says she can tell he is a first timer and asks his price range. Desmond says he is not ‘a man of means’ and she finds a ring for him that won’t ‘blind a queen’ but still ‘has the sparkle of life.’ He says he’ll take the ring and she says “no, you won’t.” Ms. Hawking tells the astonished Desmond that he isn’t supposed to take the ring, because his not buying it led to his original fate of ending up on the island and turning the fail-safe key. That “if you don’t do those things, David Desmond Hume, every single one of us is dead.”

Weirdest jewelry store ever.

(Ms. Hawking reminds me of Zed in Pulp Fiction.)

Ms. Hawking decides that Desmond needs persuasion and brings him outside. She buys some chestnuts and points out a man wearing red shoes. Desmond theorizes that she is really his subconscious but she only smiles. Desmond says he is determined to marry Penny, but Ms. Hawking says that won’t happen. Suddenly scaffolding falls on and kills the man wearing red shoes. Desmond accuses Ms. Hawking of knowing what would happen and asks why she didn’t try to stop it. She says it was his fate to die and that no one can change their fate. If they manage to forestall it, the universe will “course correct” and find another way of forcing them back on their prescribed path. Desmond takes the ring anyway.

Desmond goes to meet Penny and is unsettled by a Royal Scots recruitment poster. He meets her near Westminster bridge and is propositioned by a photographer. Penny convinces him to get their photo taken together. They change the pull-down scenes until they find one Penny likes, and he takes off his coat so that they end up matching the photo that Desmond carries with him on the island. Desmond stares at the photo and comes to a realization about his fate. He tells Penny that he isn’t the man he needs to be and that they aren’t supposed to be together. She runs off crying, and he throws the ring into the River Thames.

Desmond is back at the pub and tells the bartender he thinks he’s made the biggest mistake of his life, and that he thinks he’s made it before. “Make Your Own Kind Of Music” starts playing on the jukebox again, and Desmond sees another football game on the television but this time the team makes the goal. Excited that his vision of the future was correct, he decides that he might have a chance to change his fate after all. The third part of his prediction comes true too, and Jimmy Lennon storms into the bar to accost the bartender. Jimmy swings a bat at the bartender and Desmond yells for him to duck, causing the bat to hit Desmond instead.

Desmond’s world fades to white, and he wakes up naked in the jungle with injuries all over from the hatch implosion, and also still hurting where he was hit with the bat. He runs to where the hatch was and is dismayed at seeing the hole in the ground. Among the debris he finds his photo. He cries and pleads to be given another chance to change the past.

Thanks, Lostpedia. You’re an inspiration to this entire operation. Could someone be a lamb and call me an ambulance?


Wow, they have them in color now.

(Charlie turns right to the short story by Kurt Vonnegut.)

We’re then sent back to the present, with Desmond choking the life out of Charlie. Desmond comes to his senses and apologizes, calling Charlie a “good man.” He explains that when he turned the hatch key, his life flashed before his eyes, but they haven’t seemed to stop yet. In tune, he’s starting to see things that haven’t yet happened. As an example, he graphically describes a poop that he plans on taking in no less than 15 minutes.

Charlie is disgusted and understandably intrigued, as Desmond waves his arms around a whole lot and includes sound effects.

As the episode ends, Desmond explains that he hasn’t been saving Claire this entire time, but that he’s been saving Charlie. However, the universe will have its say, and Charlie will eventually die. Charlie nods and goes to find as much heroin as he can get his mitts on.


I thought this was a fantastic and not-at-all run-of-the-mill episode. There were throwbacks-aplenty, clues all over the place and a return to interesting and deep flashback storytelling.

To fully understand the little things that made it so great, we have to Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 – Clocking in at well over 25 minutes, this episode showcased more flashbacks than any other episode. Sure, one can argue that these ‘flashbacks’ only existed in Desmond’s mind, but we were still along for the ride. The style of storytelling was also original from anything we’ve seen on this show thus far. Bottom line, though, we really didn’t learn anything about Desmond’s current condition. I guess we just have to accept the fact that he can predict the immediate future, and hope that a logical explanation will eventually result. Mmm-hmm.

Also, when Desmond started talking to that Indian physicist about time travel, was anyone else reminded of Heroes?

8 – During the Eko conversation at the start of this episode, Locke refers to Jack as “the doctor.” This stuck me as odd, as I don’t remember Locke calling Jack “the doctor” for a very long time. Everyone within earshot of Locke knew who Jack was, why didn’t he just call him ‘Jack?’ I’m probably reading too far into this, but I suspect that the ‘real’ Locke has been replaced by a fraudulent, ‘alien’ Locke. Let it be known that I came up with it first.

Open up and say awesome.
(“We fooled you, ya’ nerds! WE FOOLED YOU!”)

15 – I really like how they resolved where the ‘Desmond & Penny’ photograph came from. I remember all the speculation and analysis that picture got when it was first shown in the Season 2 premiere. People had theories all over the place concerning the location and the identity of Penny. To have it turn out that they were standing in front of a fake backdrop was brilliant, as far as I’m concerned. Take that, scrutinizing Internet nerds! You know nothing!

16 – There were a ton of ‘throwbacks’ and other various clues during Desmond’s ‘flashback.’ Not only were there mentions of the Numbers and other Island mysteries abound, there were also various quotes that sent Desmond’s mind reeling. For my money, the best Easter Egg in the entire program was during the soccer game he watched at the bar. Take a look at all of the sponsors surrounding the soccer field.

Thanks, random Internet nerd!
(Proof that someone out there has less of a life than myself.)

Also, I got a kick out of the ‘Wizard of Oz‘ reference when the scaffolding landed on the dude with the red shoes.

23 – So, Charlie’s going to die, huh? That doesn’t really bother me, except for the fact that I think he’s going to take someone down with him. My guess is that someone will try to save him somewhere down the line, and pay for it with their life. It will probably be someone that brings more to the show than Charlie, like an inanimate shrub or a grain of sand. For shame.

During the flashback, I liked how Charlie was singing ‘Wonderwall‘ in the vicinity of Desmond. Especially the line of “maybe, you’re going to be the one that saves me.” Oasis still sucks a six-pack of ass, however.

What a stupid way to die; wearing red shoes.
(Let this be a warning to all fans of Chuck Taylors…we’re coming for you.)

42 – I just found out that Playpen magazine never actually existed in reality. I guess it’s just a made-up thing that television shows have used in many programs to represent a dirty magazine. It’s the pornographic equivalent of the 555-5555 telephone number. I’ll be darned.

Enough of this week, let’s talk about next week’s episode. TINY SPOILERS AHOY!

Episode 9 - Same As The First.

4 – Episode 9 will be titled “Stranger in a Strange Land,” and it will be Jack-centric. Duke sucks.

8 – The official press release from ABC reads; “A power play ensues between Jack and The Others as Juliet’s future hangs in the balance. Meanwhile, Kate, Sawyer and Karl continue on their journey away from “Alcatraz.

Clearly, this means that the bulk of the episode will take place on ‘Alcatraz.’ I’m also assuming that they’re saving the all-important Karl flashback episode for sweeps. That’s a joke, and a funny one at that.

15 – In flashbacks, we’ll see Jack travel to Thailand and meet an intriguing woman. We will also find out the source and meaning of his tattoos. My guess is that they’re translated to read “Scott Wolfe 4EVA.”

I picked a bad day to give up smack.
(“Crap…the producers just realized that I’m irrelevant.”)

16 – Also during this episode, we will see Cindy and some of the abducted children again. It’s speculated that we will finally get an answer as to why the Others like to steal kids. My guess is they they have a soccer ball factory somewhere on the island, and those things ain’t going to stitch themselves, you know.

23 – During one of the flashback scenes, we will see Jack in a fight. That’s the word on the street, yo.

42 – During this episode, I will be sitting quietly in front of the fireplace, petting my cat and eating tortilla roll-ups. I will slowly ponder what has become of my life, and take a long bath upon the conclusion of the show. At some point during said bath, I will pen a short note and slit my wrists with a Remington Mach 5 razor, and slowly drift into an eternal slumber.

Well, there you have it. Another Lost Friday come and gone. Start the conversation in the comments section, or e-mail me at If you feel like supporting the CDP, feel free to make a donation or buy some of my sweet merch. Once you’re done with that, head on over to The Coconut Internet and say hello. They’ll be glad you came.

Oooooh...mac and cheese!


As always, here are links to every Lost Friday so far this season. Look back, reflect and cry. See you next week.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 – Episode 1 Review
Season 3 – Episode 2 Review
Season 3 – Episode 3 Review
Season 3 – Episode 4 Review
Season 3 – Episode 5 Review
Season 3 – Episode 6 Review
Season 3 – Episode 7 Review

NEXT WEEK: American Idol predictions, fan photographs and yet another Lost Friday!

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

Free to a good dumpster.

This is what I woke up to on Monday morning. A lone vacuum cleaner, standing halfway up my front door walk.

When I saw it that morning, it was on the heels of a major snowstorm, so it was almost buried under 8 inches of snow. I like that the groundskeepers shoveled and salted around the vacuum, just in case it turned out that I really wanted it to stay there for some reason.

Garbage day was Sunday, yet this vacuum cleaner was nowhere near the curb. Always quick to jump to conspiracies, I became convinced that someone was trying to screw with me.

Vacuum salesmen just don't try anymore.

What do you want from me, vacuum? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!?

On the bright side, this has inspired me to write a short film about a paranoid guy who gets slowly driven insane by a vacuum cleaner that’s stalking him. I, of course, will play the role of the wacky neighbor.

Sound off in the comments section and let me know what the hell is going on.


Three Years Of Poop.

Returning For Season 3.

The CDP is three years old this week.

It has survived three apartments, over 500 posts, one Presidential election, three spin-off blogs, four different templates, Aaron, over 250,000 hits and comments, Mutton Chop, four Wisconsin winters and one incompetent ass of an owner. How it’s still standing is beyond me.

I started the CDP in February of 2004, just after graduating from college and just before getting a full-time job. I wanted to have an outlet for my essay writing, along with anything else that I thought my close friends and family would find interesting and humorous. As fate would have it, my close family and friends now represent less than 1% of total readers of the CDP.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to those who read every day, to those who read every week and for those who stop in every month or so. Thank you for every comment, every e-mail, every joke and every kind word. Thank you for donating money and buying CDP merch. Thank you for looking to the CDP for entertainment, humor and intelligent company. Thank you for letting me write every day and feel like I’m not wasting my time. Thank you for letting me into your homes, laptops and office cubicles. Thank you for linking me on your own blogs, and thank you for telling friends about me.

Thank you for taking time out of your day to check out what I have to say. It still baffles me, and I’m humbled.

I’ve received fan mail from England, Australia, Canada and New Zealand. I’ve met complete strangers that are fans of the CDP. When I almost gave up on Lost Friday last year, my inbox was flooded with people begging me to reconsider. People e-mail me just to tell me that an essay I wrote resonated with them. At least once a week, someone takes a moment of their time to let me know that something I wrote made them laugh out loud. I cannot tell you how great that makes me feel.

Sound off in the comments section and praise the CDP on Three Years of Outstanding Service. Bow deeply and be sure to let everyone know what your favorite CDP Moments are.

Thank you.