I’m Not Here To Serve You.

I'm not here to serve you.

“Why I will never, ever, freaking ever be a waiter as long as I’m on this Earth.”

-By: theCDP.

As a man with a sparkling personality, devastating sex appeal and an inviting scent, most people who meet me think I would make a terrific waiter. To support this argument, they remark at how good I am with small details and my ability to make large groups of people feel uncomfortable without even trying. They claim it’s a gift from God; my therapist and I think otherwise.

I’ve had a lot of Public Relation jobs in my life. Bartender, Customer Service Representative, gas station attendant, strip club DJ, rock slanga’, cameraman for Guys Gone Wild and a brief stand-in for Peter Jennings shortly before he died. I’ve never been a waiter, however. My reasons for this are pretty simple, if you ask me.

I can’t tolerate anyone, and I don’t like to walk and carry things at the same time.

Me and the Missus go out to eat about 10 times a month. We do this because we’re too lazy to go grocery shopping every 2 weeks, as initially agreed upon by contract when we started living together. Nope, we instead spend $60 a night, grinding our teeth in a nice restaurant, thinking of ways to telepathically poison the food of the party next to us and wishing we were at home.

For years, I cursed my luck, thinking that I was consistently sat next to the most annoying table at whichever eatery I happened to be dining at. Nowadays, I know better; every table is annoying, because everyone in the world is annoying.

Even you. Probably even the Missus, but not me. I’m sure of it.

No matter where I am, no matter the restaurant, no matter the city or state, I’m always seated next to one of the following groups. Allow me to elaborate:

Table #1 – Attention-seeking children; non-responsive parents. 96% of families in general.

Look, just because you’ve found a way to tune out the sound of your childrens’ voices, that doesn’t mean that everyone else at The Olive Garden* has. If your kid says “Mom!” one more time without you responding to them, I will pick them up by the ankles and beat you to death with your own kid. If you are physically unable to raise a child to keep their mouth shut when at a public place, you have failed as a parent and should never be allowed to enjoy a meal outside of your loud, and no doubt filthy, home.

*Still my favorite chain restaurant.

When I was a kid, it was naturally assumed that children had absolutely nothing of importance to say to adults, and the mere thought of addressing one was met with a look of disapproval and certain death. Not only does that teach respect, terror and good behavior, it also reminds you not to say anything unless it’s important. For example, if his or her pants were on fire, or he or she was in the clutches of a registered sex offender. Any other circumstance- denied!

Furthermore, I always see parents and their horrid spawn at expensive and ‘upscale‘ places. Why? Not only are you going to spend $200 on a meal that your kids aren’t going to even touch, you’ve also ruined a decent night out for those of us who aren’t inconsiderate mongoloids. If all you were looking for was an easy way to waste a bunch of money, you should have just donated it to Coats For Kids. Kids don’t need coats, dumbass.

Another thing that I see all the time are children leaving their tables and walking around unsupervised. No less than 20 times have I been eating, only to look to my immediate right and see some kid staring at me, typically covered in a sauce of some sort. In most cases, I wave the knife around a little and they back away. However, there are those times where I run into a child that’s more dense than a black hole, opting to stand next to my table and stare until their parents finally realize that they have strayed.

New rule, parents. If your kid stands by my table for one second longer than a minute, they become my property. I will then kill them, hollow them out and use their husks to smuggle meth across the border. You may have thought that story was just an urban legend, but I’m going to make it a reality with precious Tyler and Cheyenne.

Restaurants should also start stocking chairs that have seatbelts on them. Just a thought.

Now that smoking is pretty much banned in every restaurant in America, I propose that we have a section for families and groups of five or more people, and a second section for adult parties of four or less. Not only does that keep the noise and annoyance where it should be, but I can also fulfill my fantasy of eating an expensive dinner in the nude; this time, without Dateline NBC busting in with their fancy hidden cameras and litigations.

In short, children shouldn’t be allowed into any restaurant that doesn’t have a kid’s menu. And even then, they probably shouldn’t.

(If you’re one of the very few families that has children who are well-behaved enough to eat in public, pat yourself on the back. Then fly to the Space Station on the wings of a unicorn, because you don’t really exist.)

Table #2 – Groups of teenagers. Specifically girls.

If there’s one thing worse than a group of butthole parents and their equally-butthole children, it’s a group of unmonitored teenage girls, demonstrating why they should still be chaperoned by Daddy and huddled in the back of a diesel-powered mini-van.

Now, before you start calling me a sexist, I’ll have you know that I ran this theory by the Missus and she approved it. If at least one woman agrees with me, it can no longer be called sexist. Much like me making fun of fat people as long as one fat person thinks it’s funny. Thanks Cliff, you’ve unlocked months of comedy gold for me.

Most teenage girls that congregate in groups like to talk quickly and loudly about tough issues that matter, like politics, religion and how fat Dakota’s ass looks in that skirt. They laugh way too loud at things that are in no way humorous, are almost always rude to the waitstaff (if it’s a woman, especially), and are usually so stone-dumb that it’s embarrassing to even eavesdrop. Furthermore, they always want to talk to whoever’s on their phone far more than whoever’s at the table. Next time, they should really invite the person that’s on the phone, and they can skip a step.

Oh, and it goes without saying that you may want to silence your phone before you go into a restaurant. If you happen to be sitting next to me, I have a little system I like to follow:

If your phone is silenced during the meal: You will live. Dinner will continue as planned.

If your phone rings, and you immediately silence it: I will be annoyed, but forgiving. Even I forget to silence my phone at times, but my ringtone is so rad that people actually ask me to play it for them again.

If your phone rings, and you let it ring until your voicemail picks up:
Your tires will be slashed upon exiting the eatery. Anything left on the dash will be stolen.

If your phone rings and you answer it: It’s over. I hope you’re having a good meal, because you’ll be seeing it again when I tear your stomach open with a broken bottle of Pabst.

If it turns out to be an emergency and you have to immediately leave the restaurant, that’s fine by me. Just as long as you don’t get to enjoy your meal, and someone that you know is potentially injured or killed. What’s important is that I’m happier than you.

Table #3 – The Snobs.

On most Sunday mornings, you can find me and the Missus at a place called Sir Hobo’s. Hobo’s is a diner a few blocks from our house that serves breakfast anytime and is run by a pushy Greek family. I like this place for a number of reasons. The food is cheap, the place is usually empty, everything’s covered in grease, and it’s owned by a pushy Greek family. If anything, I’m just happy that places like this still exist in big cities.

Me and the Missus can go there wearing hoodies and caps to cover our unwashed hair, still confident that there will be people at the bar looking worse than us. Nobody knows who we are, we’re never approached by acquaintances or co-workers, and the waitresses don’t want to chat. In fact, they all but throw your plates down on the counter, and everything’s scalding, even the milk*. I enjoy this more than I can accurately convey.

*You’ll laugh later; that’s really, truly funny.

Last Sunday, we were seated next to a well-scrubbed family of four, who had clearly never been to Sir Hobo’s before. They were dressed as if they just left church (which they probably had). I wouldn’t be surprised if they had a Range Rover parked outside with golf clubs sticking out of the back, all set for a relaxing drive to the country club to discuss fine wines and munch on unborn baby Yak cheese, or whatever it is that rich people eat when they’re around company.

Such a funny sentence.

So, the deep-voiced and not-at-all-to-be-messed-with Greek waitress comes over to take their order. For the next five minutes, she has to stand and listen to a lecture on the differences between wheat bread and whole wheat bread, even though I’m quite certain that Sir Hobo’s has neither nor. When they finally settled on an order that suited them, I heard them continuing to berate this poor woman after she left, for being so clearly uneducated in the fine workings of wheatiness.

Unless it’s deep-fried and over 1000 calories, you won’t find it there. I promise.

I was vibrating with anger. It was completely unnecessary and unspeakably rude. The id in me wanted to jump the booth and piledrive both Soccer Mom and Country Club Dad with ruthless aggression, but I guess I’m not that kind of guy. Next time, however, they won’t be so lucky.

I could go on for a few hours longer, but in short, I wouldn’t be a very good waiter.

Enjoy your day; sound off in the comments section and let me know if you would want me as your waiter.

Lost Friday – "I Do."

Lost Friday - I Do.
Season 3 – Episode 6: “I Do.”

The final Lost Friday of the year is upon us; we have much to discuss.

Unless you’re some kind of jerkass, you really couldn’t ask for a better episode than this. In addition to a massive cliffhanger, we once again had the lives of several people up in the air, Ben Linus splayed open like a smoked salmon and Jack finally acting like a man again. If that wasn’t good enough for you, it was all topped off with a wee dab of intercourse.

That, my friends, is TV-14 television at its finest. A little bit of D, a pinch of S, and a whole lot of L and V.

Kick A.

As you know, “I Do” was the last episode of Lost until February 7, 2007. For those who dislike counting, that’s 12 weeks of lackluster programming and Taye Diggs, or whoever that black guy is in the mid-season replacement show. This is all quite unacceptable, yes, but the payoff will be worth it. Sixteen straight new episodes, right up to the Season Three Finale in mid-May. It’s going to be a long winter, but with Global Warming, you’ll barely notice it.

Please refrain from slitting your wrists just yet, it’s time for the Thick & Meaty.

THE THICK & MEATY.
(Written by the CDP. Enjoyed by you.)

It days I'm special!
(Jack consults his Cap’n Crunch Treasure map for further advice.)

In flashbacks, we see Kate (Monica), fresh on the run after gone done exploding her abusive Stepfather. She’s very much in love with a police officer named Kevin, who apparently isn’t a very intuitive man of the law. I mean, what cop doesn’t run a background check on their fiancee? Either way, Kevin and Kate are going to get married soon, as we see Kate naked for the second time in three weeks.

As an aside, Kate must really want to be captured by the law, wanting to marry a cop. Either that, or she’s just a stone-dumb Canuck* that’s attracted to trauma. I’ve known a few women like that; that’s probably what it is. Let’s move on.

*I’d apologize to my Canadian fans, but I doubt I have any. Besides, they don’t read good.

Kate gives the Marshall a call and tells him to stop doing his job. He agrees, shuts his computer off and immediately goes home. Shortly thereafter, Kate, who makes good decisions at a rate that’s about as poor as Michael, spills it to Kevin, drugs him and flees the scene. When Kevin comes to, he proceeds to bring all of his sports memorabilia back out of the basement and redecorates the house in his underwear.

Why haven't I gotten a raise?
(Meet Kevin: Cop of the Year.)

END OF SOMEWHAT UNNECESSARY AND PURELY SYMBOLIC FLASHBACK.

Back on the original island, Locke, Sayid and Desmond, along with pseudo-Boone and Shannon, hold a funeral for Mr. Eko. Locke recites the rap song I wrote for him last week, and Sayid breakdances briefly on some cardboard. This rekindles Locke’s thoughts of destiny, which leads him back to Eko’s Boom Stick. Eko, thinking ahead, carved a seemingly specific message for Locke, who gets all spooky-eyed as we fade out.

Easiest jobs ever.
(Nikki and Paulo combined have 3 more lines than I have on this show.)

END OF THAT.

On the Hydra island, Jack informs Ben that he’s not going to perform surgery because he doesn’t have any insurance. Ben insists that he has an HMO; Jack punches him in the face.

In the polar bear cages, Kate gets hauled off to work, while Sawyer takes the day off so he can get shot in the face by Pickett. Kate objects, so the execution is held off until after the hard labor. During this time, Alex runs out with a slingshot and nails a few Others in a flurry of pointy rocks. She informs Kate that they’re going to kill Sawyer, just like they killed Alex’s boyfriend; presumably Karl*. The Others, realizing that slingshots can’t hurt anyone over the age of 10, takes her down and drags her off. Kate gets naked for some reason.

*Karl was the teen originally in the bear cage; featured for less than 8 seconds.

Juliet informs Kate that they plan on capping Sawyer unless she convinces Jack to do the surgery on Ben. That’s 5 names in one sentence; please try to keep up with me.

Niner?
(“Knock it off, Roy! You’re like, 5 feet away from me!”)

In an awkward meeting, Jack gets jealous over what Kate’s willing to do for Sawyer and has a bit of a tantrum. Kate cries and takes her clothes off.

Upon returning to the cages, Kate brings Sawyer up to date and demands they make a break for it. Sawyer, knowing that there’s no escape from Hydra Island, breaks the news to Kate and gets a little weepy. Kate comes over and gets naked, as we all try to pretend that what we’re seeing is erotic. The camera pans over to a roaring fireplace, then mercifully fades to black.

I take a leak and proceed to eat Cheese Whiz directly from the can. You really didn’t need to know that.

Kate and Sawyer proclaim their love for each other, which marks the first time that someone said something completely regretful immediately following sex. I’m glad it was captured on tape for posterity purposes. This is why men fall asleep instantly thereafter*; it’s so they don’t accidentally promise to buy a Tennis Bracelet or clean the garage.

*I’m not one of those guys. My garage is spotless and the Missus is diamond-encrusted.

Much better.
(This is the best Kate’s looked all episode.)

In the shark cage, Jack hears Alex’s voice on the intercom, telling him to try the door. It’s unlocked, so he heads off in search of television and guns. He finds Ben’s control room, and observes Kate and Sawyer basking in the afterglow. This upsets him a bit, causing his gears to turn and eventually agreeing to do the surgery on Ben. His only demand is to get off the island, and possibly get his hands on the uncut surveillance tape of Kate and Sawyer.

Ben agrees, and offers to make popcorn.

During the operation, Jack slices open Ben’s kidney on purpose, giving him about an hour to live. He starts barking demands, unknowingly saving Sawyer from execution. He tells Kate via-walkie-talkie to head for the hills, not knowing that they’re on a different island. Kate refuses to leave without Saywer, and everyone’s looking confused and sweaty as we smash cut to black.

Kate gets naked.

END OF MINI-SEASON.

Good stuff, really. Let’s break it down, like Hasselhoff on the Berlin Wall.

THE NUMBERS.
(Because people are more apt to read things when presented in list form.)

What a brain-teaser!
(A vase, or two faces?)

4 – Kate is the sex symbol of the island? Fur realz? Now I see why they had to throw Vikki and Pablo* into the mix. They needed some woman, any woman to make us think that Kate was cuter by comparison. Oh, and keep her away from Sun at all times. That would ruin the illusion.

Well, I’m not buying it. Here’s a photo, though.

*This is how little I care about Nikki and Paulo.

8 – Why didn’t Desmond see Eko’s death coming? Apparently, he’s a racist clairvoyant.

15 – I like how when a character dies on Lost, their corpse always shows up next week for the funeral. It’s like a free paycheck!

16 – It would appear that Ben and Juliet adopted Alex as their own when they stole her from Rousseau back in the day. Nothing funny there; just thought I’d let you know.

Um…let’s see. I need a joke, here. Something to end this bit on a funny note. Think, man. Think!

Poop!

Whew; dodged a bullet, there.

It's only $15 a month!
(If Ben got TiVo, he wouldn’t have to do this.)

23 – “Shepard wasn’t even on Jacob’s list.” Who’s Jacob, and why/how did he make the list? The rumors are circulating that Jacob might be the mythical “Him.” Hell, he might not even live on the island. He might even be me; I’m not sure at this point.

42 – The last 15 minutes of this show was about as good as TV drama gets. It was spectacular, and you should probably watch it again if you can. In actuality, you should watch it every week for the next 12 weeks. It’s all we have.

It’s all we have.

THE PREVIEW.
(……)

HELLLLLLLLP!
(“WAAAAAAAALLLLT!!!”)

You see, here’s the thing. Lost Friday will return in February with a Complete Season Three Recap, getting us all set up for the remainder of the year. The CDP, however, isn’t going anywhere. In December, you can expect to see Best Of 2006 lists for just about everything, the CDP Year In Review, the very first CDP Podcast, merch giveaways and much more.

Sound off in the comments section, or send an e-mail to communistdance@yahoo.com. To quell your Lost fix, head on over to The Coconut Internet and say hello. If you want to donate or purchase CDP merch, the links are on top. Every other Lost Friday for the season is listed below. Thanks for reading, we’ll see you Monday.

MONDAY:
Tonight’s Special Is The “I Kill You Now.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 – Episode 1 Review
Season 3 – Episode 2 Review
Season 3 – Episode 3 Review
Season 3 – Episode 4 Review
Season 3 – Episode 5 Review

CDP Wayback Machine – Food Court Edition.

Wisconsin is for lovers.

Once again, it’s time to step into the CDP Wayback Machine. Please remove your shoes and wipe that dumbass grin off your face. Seriously, Frank. You’re creeping me out and I won’t ask again.

In the spirit of starting the Holiday season earlier and earlier every year, let’s check out a CDP Classic from 1 year ago this week…

November 13, 2005 – “Let’s Go To The Mall.

In current news, CDP Headquarters just received a huge box of merch which we will be giving away during our 3rd Annual CDP Sweeps Month this December. Stick around to find out how you can get your mitts on FREE CDP shirts, stickers, magnets, buttons and more! Otherwise, you can do it the non-loser way and order your goods from the CDP Webstore.

On Tuesday, Guitar Hero II is released, and you won’t be hearing from me for quite some time. In fact, I should be grabbing my sleeping bag and heading to the nearest Best Buy, post-haste.

On Wednesday, you can say hello and have a beer with me at the High Noon Saloon in Madison, Wisconsin, where I will be a celebrity judge for the 2006 Funniest Comedian In Madison competition. The show starts at 7pm, and I should be arrested at around 9.

On Thursday, the CDP‘s brand new computer is being delivered. Please don’t tell my mother, or anyone else for that matter. It’s everything I’ve ever needed, at a price I can’t quite afford.

A brand-new Lost Friday rounds out the week. Let’s see how much of that Fark traffic sticks around; I got 5,000 hits in the last three days.

Before I head out today, me and the Missus were on national television for about 2 seconds last Friday. What was captured was a look of complete confusion on the Missus, and a typical moment of raw, unrestrained sexuality from yours truly. Let’s go to the tape, shall we?

WHOOOO!
(I’m not too hard to spot.)

YAAAAWN!
(If this isn’t the funniest photo you’ve seen all day, you might want to consider not coming here anymore.)

Sound off in the comments section, and enjoy your Monday.

Lost Friday – "The Cost Of Living."

Lost Friday - The Cost Of Living.
Season 3 – Episode 5: “The Cost Of Living.

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

If you don’t mind, I’d like you to answer a question for me. You know, my brain’s not what it used to be, especially since I started hitting the inhalants and whatnot. Sometimes I confuse things that I’ve actually seen with things that I just made up. But for the life of me, I could have sworn that I saw the Goddamn Smoke Monster bash Eko to pieces against a tree. Surely, I made that all up. That didn’t really happen, right?

Right?

The second-to-last episode before the mini-season finale delivered the goods when it came to surprises and further mystery. We got a brief glimpse at the sixth-and-final hatch (maybe), an even brief-er glimpse at the man inhabiting it, continued to ratchet the tension between Jack, Ben & Juliet and got a good-old-fashioned bludgeoning to top it off. If the second installment of the third season is anything like what’s happened over the last 5 weeks, it’s safe to say that we have absolutely no idea where this show is headed. Good or bad, it’s your call.

I wrote The Skinny this week, so I’m changing its name to The Thick & Meaty.

THE THICK & MEATY.
(Written by the CDP, so don’t skip it.)

Stunt man, anyone?
(Just pretend that’s Eko and not a stunt man. I dare you.)

Eko, still reeling from a combination hatch implosion/polar bear attack, starts to have visions about his dead brother, Yemi. Proving once again that Eko has superpowers*, he manages to set his tent on fire through the power of his mind. By the time that the castaways toddle over to extinguish the flames, Eko runs into the jungle, looking for his brother and a clean shirt.

*Expect Eko to show up on Heroes sometime next year.

The next day, Locke proposes an expedition to the Pearl Station, to see if there’s a computer they can use to communicate with the Others (and perhaps to check Fark). They also realize that Eko is heading there as well, to locate the crashed Beechcraft with Yemi inside. Nikki and Paulo decide to come along, and nobody notices or cares, considering that they haven’t even mentioned their names on the show at this point.

Somewhere, Jin puts his ear to Sun’s tummy and grins.

In the Pearl station, Sayid and Desmond fiddle with the computer equipment, as Desmond isn’t content with already surviving one massive electrical explosion. Sayid, who apparently worked for Charter Communications in Iraq, manages to get a live feed of the Flame Station*, the only hatch we haven’t yet seen. Almost immediately, a man wearing an eye patch and DHARMA suit destroys the camera, while Nikki and Paulo wet themselves; their only real contribution to the show thus far.

*The Flame Station should not be confused with the Flamer Station. Where the Flame station is hot, the Flamer Station is SSSSSCORTCHING!

Meanwhile, above ground, Eko notices that Yemi’s charred husk is nowhere to be found amongst the wreckage. Seeing another vision of his brother (which turns out to be the Smoke Monster, who can apparently manifest itself and feed entirely on redemption), Eko informs him that he doesn’t apologize for the way he has lived his life. Yemi (Smoky) responds by hoisting Eko into the air and Sonny Bono-ing* him off of about 10 different trees.

*Don’t send me e-mail; that was funny, and you know it.

Hearing the carnage, Locke and Sayid show up to find Eko dying. Before retiring to the Great Confessional in the Sky, Eko informs Locke that they will be the next to go. Locke responds by killing Nikki and Paulo out of spite and stealing what little food they brought along.

Back at Otherland, they gather for the funeral of Colleen. Afterwards, during the cake and ice cream social, Ben berates Juliet for showing Jack his spinal x-rays. Ben promises to make a deal with Jack if he successfully operate on him, while Juliet tries to convince Jack that Ben is a liar and the Others are desperate for a regime change. Jack, suddenly realizing his newfound position of power, demands that the Book Club be moved to the Hydra station so he can participate*.

*First book on the list? The Official Fan’s Guide To ‘Party Of Five.’

In flashbacks, we see Eko doing what he thinks is best, leading to a moment of clarity. Which, as we all know, is what we always see shortly before a cast member gets murdered. This is why Michael got to leave the island, because he lived a life of constantly making the worst possible decisions. Let that be a lesson to all the kids out there.

Perhaps I should write The Thick & Meaty more often. Makes me feel like a big man. Numbers!

THE NUMBERS.
(Written by the CDP. Read and enjoyed by you.)

Yarr!
(There’s nothing scarier than a bad guy with poor depth perception.)

Because of the time constraints of doing Lost Friday, I’ve gotten into the habit of taking tiny notes during commercials concerning topics I want to discuss on here. Not only has this helped, but it has also sucked dry any entertainment value the show once had. I’m simply watching Lost as job now; may God have mercy on my pale and pathetic soul.

Here now, the exact transcribed notes I took on Wednesday night. Enjoy.

4 – Eko = Haunted by his past (of course). Bad-ass mo-fo.

8 – Ben’s gotta tumor – Jack’s gotta fix it. Should rip his spine out, Sub Zero-style.

15 – Back into the Pearl Station. What happened to Yemi’s corpse? Paulo took a whiz.

16 – Who’s telling the truth? Ben or Juliet? Is Jack gunna botch the surgery and lead an Others revolt? Or he is getting screwed over more than Tara Reid at a Grammy after-party?

23 – Pirate in the Flame Station. Who is he? Possibly Johnny Depp; perhaps a sweeps tie-in of some sort.

42 – The smoke monster is the Rich Little of shapeshifters. I wish I was that diverse.

THE PREVIEW.
(Written by the CDP. Avoided by spoiler-phobes worldwide.)

Ow, my spine!
(Ben quietly wonders how long he’ll live without a spine.)

4 – The title of Season Three/Episode 6 is “I Do.”

8 – The episode will be Kate-centric. Expect the Marshal to make another appearance.

15 – The official press release from ABC reads: “Jack makes a decision regarding Ben’s offer, Kate feels helpless when it looks like an angry Pickett is going to make good on his threat to kill Sawyer, and Locke discovers a hidden message that may guide him through the next step of his journey to unlocking the secrets of the island. We also see Kate in flashbacks, more specifically on her Wedding Day.”

16 – As if we were all still wondering who Kate was in love with (Jack or Sawyer), she will be consummating said love with Saywer in this episode. Am I ready? Oh, you betcha’.

23 – This week, we will also find out why Karl was caged up by Sawyer in the first episode. That’s a good thing, because I was losing sleep over that one. Also, expect to see the death of a secondary character. My money’s on Pickett, but I don’t really have any money.

42 – As you already know, this will be the last episode of Lost until February 7, a 12-week hiatus in a quest for a no-rerun season. During these 12 weeks, you can still tune to the CDP for all your Lost needs.*

*Your needs may vary.

THE TRIBUTE.
(Not written by the CDP. Nope. Not one word.)

You'll be missed, Shaft.
(I think you pulled the cornrows a little tight, there.)

As you know, Mr. Eko died this week. This is sad for a number of reasons, one being that he was one of my favorite characters on the show. From his first to last scene, he’s been intriguing, intelligent and unspeakably violent, which are all things that I strive to one day become.

Without further adieu, throw down a 40 and bounce to this wack jam.

Here comes the Eko!

BOOM! (BOOM!)
Cornrows flying! Others left crying!
From Nigeria to the Dharma island!

Smoke monster’s looking scary!
Unfunny like Dave Barry!
Eko be dropping smack like the Virgin Mary!

He’s got game like Pop-O-Matic!
Never causin’ static!
Give the man an emmy, cuz’ his style is dramatic!

Forget Tony Danza, because Eko’s the boss!
He doesn’t want to be your friend, like Chandler and Ross!
He shows up on my TV most ev-a-ry week!
Sucka’s be waitin’ 40 days just to hear him speak!

Echo? EKO!
Make the Others say, ‘hell no!’
Covering your ass like the Geico Gecko! (x2)

Drug dealer turned preacher!
Hustla’ to teacher!
Rocking prime time like a sci-fi double feature!

You know he ain’t playin’!
Smarter than Cliff Clavin!
Making Jerry Lewis go, “Gloy-vin glay-vin!”

When Eko get terse,
It go from bad to worse!
He’ll bash your skull, and then he’ll drop some verse!

Straight rocking out the cornrows in his native land!
Sellin’ rockz in da’ village just to make a grand!
His brother got capped and he saw the light!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all an Eko night!

Echo? EKO!
Make the Others say, ‘hell no!’
Covering your ass like the Geico Gecko! (x4)

(Fade out. Fold arms across chest and nod rhythmically.)

So, there you have it. Another Lost Friday in the books. Sound off in the comments section, or drop me an e-mail at communistdance@yahoo.com. When you get the chance, head on over to The Coconut Internet and say hello. If you want some CDP merch, check the link at the top; if you want to check out previous Lost Fridays, check out the links below.

I’m ‘oot.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 – Episode 1 Review
Season 3 – Episode 2 Review
Season 3 – Episode 3 Review
Season 3 – Episode 4 Review

Eight Teeth To Eat You.

Cornz.

1. First impressions are very important, and I’m the undisputed King and Master of peeing them straight down my leg.

At work on Tuesday, a new employee was about to come over to my cubicle and introduce herself to me. She knew I was sort of a big deal, and probably wanted an autograph or something. It just so happened to be Halloween, so she was wearing a Prom Night-style costume; like a dead prom queen or something. She looked great, although I still haven’t seen her in the office without the bloody makeup and tattered dress. Maybe I just made her up, and she doesn’t really work here.

Anyways, she poked her head in just as I was taking a huge bite out of a BK Veggie Burger (along with a king-size fry and a chocolate shake; I’m trying to watch what I eat). As she kindly said hello (while cradling a bloody, plastic baby in her arms), I bit down and shot about a quart of mayo and barbecue sauce out of the ass-end of said burger, spooting it all over my important documents and literature.

As it were, she now thinks that the cleanest and most obsessive-compulsive man in the office is the filthiest and messiest. I’m sure of it.

You just watch. Over the next few weeks, I’ll try to engage in conversation with her, making several attempts to prove to her just how organized and anti-mayo-spootage I actually am. However, karma being what it is, I’ll just find more ways to solidify her first impression of me. Toner will splash liberally onto my pants. Newspaper ink will smear across my white shirt. Cream cheese and coffee will bombard me from all angles.

I’m the office slob to her, and no amount of organizing my Hi-Liters by color will undo that. This is precisely the sort of stuff that keeps me up at night, straightening my carpet fibers one at a time.

2. For the last few days, I was contemplating the construction of a mock MySpace page, where I would pretend to be someone I wasn’t for the purpose of satire and comedy. I’d create a character that would write horrid poetry, take photos of themselves in their bathroom mirror and invite equally disappointing friends.

In the early stages of this completely original and not-at-all-tired joke, I realized just how much work and thankless tedium goes into a set-up like that, and realized it wasn’t worth the trouble. I mean, what’s the point in spending time on a joke that will generate polite laughter at best?

The CDP, however, remains fresh, current and hilarious. Chuck Norris and so forth.

3. I think that Studio 60 is going to get cancelled, and that’s a damn shame. It’s been funnier than SNL this season, which is terribly ironic, considering that Studio 60 sketches are supposed to be stale and contrived. At the very least, Heroes is roping in about a billion viewers a week, so they’re not going anywhere.

Cornz?

4. On Halloween night, we had one trick-or-treater at our doorstep. Just one kid; alone and without his parents. When he knocked, I was so excited by the prospect my very first trick-or-treater at my very own door, I didn’t even see what he was wearing. I vaguely remember a funny hat of sorts, but there’s a good chance he wasn’t even in costume. As it turned out, I was far happier to see him than he was to see me.

In my haste, I think I gave him 29 candy bars. I honestly think I just dumped the entire bowl into his bag. For the record, we had a huge bowl of Kit-Kats, Milky Ways and Snickers. We don’t screw around.

Out of all the things that I miss from my childhood, Halloween is perhaps the closest to my heart. Now that I’m too old to participate in non-binge drinking Halloween festivities, I don’t have too much to look forward to on October 31. The only thing I really wanted to check out that night was the Ghost Hunters Live show, but the Missus put up a huge fuss about not going to bed with her, and I only saw about an hour of the 6-hour investigation.

Maybe next year, I guess. I’m sure it’ll be just as scary when I watch the playback tomorrow afternoon.

5. I’m going to be on Friday Night Smackdown! this week. Look for the white and red CDP sign near the top of the screen for most of the night. We had a good time, and were the best looking people in the entire arena. That’s saying something; for me, at least.

6. From The Dream Dictionary: Dreams where the dreamers teeth are falling out are much more common that most people might think. In these, the dreamers teeth crumble in their hands or the teeth fall with a light tap. There are many interpretations for this dream, one interpretation is that losing teeth reflects the dreamers anxiety about his own appearance and how others view him or her, since the teeth is usually considered an important part of our appearance.

7. Here are the last 10 albums purchased by yours truly. My collection has surpassed 2,000 with no signs of slowing down:

a. The Decemberists – The Crane Wife
b. Me First & The Gimme Gimmes – Love Their Country
c. Mew – And The Glass Handed Kites
d. The Good Life – Black Out
e. Lifetime – Somewhere In The Swamps Of Jersey
f. Arctic Monkeys – Leave Before The Lights Come On
g. The Get Up Kids – Red Letter Day & Woodson
h. P.O.S. – Ipecac Neat
i. Mew – Frengers
j. REM – And I Feel Fine: Best Of The I.R.S. Years

Cornz!

8. Lost Friday arrives tomorrow, along with my national television debut. Sound off in the comments section and let me know how your warding off suicide for yet another day.

Tally-ho!