(Today’s post was written by Cliff, the older brother of the CDP. Since 2002, Cliff has been living in the basement of CDP Headquarters, where he has been financially supported and cared for by the CDP and the Missus. This is believed to be his first foray into the Blogosphere.)
Hi, me Cliff. How doing?
Me want to talk to peeple today, becuz Cliff have something to say. Most day, Cliff say nothing. But this impordant. More impordant than Judge judy, which I think on right now.
Everypeeple think CDP so funny. He not. Everypeeple say he so clever and smell nice. Not reely true. I the funny one, he take funny from me and pretend like HE the funny. He steal all my joke, like Robin Williams, only CDP have no drug problem. Me give him that.
Two day ago, he come down in basement, or like me say, Cliff Hedquarters. See? He already take one joke from me! Like I saying, he come down and say, ‘I go to store, want anything?’ I tell him I need new left shoe and wrestling magazeene. He say no problem, he be right back.
When he gone, I sit in dark and eat cold hot dog. He no let me use microwave, becuz I put to-go box in there once and burn house down. Cannot Cliff make one mistake? Cannot he forgive?
When he come back from store, he sez magazeene for him and store don’t sell no left shoes. I know not true, becuz I used to work at store as greeter. I say hi to magic door when it open, sit on stool, make 10 cents a day. When I tell him he lying, he say I can’t read anyway and don’t need to wear shoes.
He make a good point. But still mean.
Me a writer, too. He learn from big brother how to make storys good. I tell him that peeple like to reed about scary things, like fireworks and baloons. I say that they both pop and make loud noise, and that scary as hell to me. He take me to firework show in July, me poop on car hood and try to make a brake for it. I run over 14 kids in park, crash station wagon into lake Michigan.
He very mad that day. He say, ‘You live in basement forever now.’
Feemale kids and teens his target demo, so I tell him to be hip and cool on blog page, like the MTV. I say, ‘You get Xzibit to pimp blog.’
He cut cable in basement, I not know what cool anymore.
Me not even supposed to be on computer. He spend $1600 on new Mack, tell me I no touch it ever. He no tell me what to do, though, I my own man. He just scared I tell wife about seecret naked folder he have. He no have naked foto of actress or news ankor, he just have naked fotos of himself. Me no know why he take so many, or why. All I know is he need to see doctor more than me.
I hear his car in driveway, better go back to basement. Me take a few hot dog for the road, though.
I Cliff. Me funny, too.
(You can e-mail questions to Cliff at email@example.com, and he will answer them in the order that they are received. Depending on the fluxuating state of Cliff’s well-being, he will be featured every Friday during Lost’s absence.)