Unless you’re some kind of jerkass, you really couldn’t ask for a better episode than this. In addition to a massive cliffhanger, we once again had the lives of several people up in the air, Ben Linus splayed open like a smoked salmon and Jack finally acting like a man again. If that wasn’t good enough for you, it was all topped off with a wee dab of intercourse.
That, my friends, is TV-14 television at its finest. A little bit of D, a pinch of S, and a whole lot of L and V.
As you know, “I Do” was the last episode of Lost until February 7, 2007. For those who dislike counting, that’s 12 weeks of lackluster programming and Taye Diggs, or whoever that black guy is in the mid-season replacement show. This is all quite unacceptable, yes, but the payoff will be worth it. Sixteen straight new episodes, right up to the Season Three Finale in mid-May. It’s going to be a long winter, but with Global Warming, you’ll barely notice it.
Please refrain from slitting your wrists just yet, it’s time for the Thick & Meaty.
In flashbacks, we see Kate (Monica), fresh on the run after gone done exploding her abusive Stepfather. She’s very much in love with a police officer named Kevin, who apparently isn’t a very intuitive man of the law. I mean, what cop doesn’t run a background check on their fiancee? Either way, Kevin and Kate are going to get married soon, as we see Kate naked for the second time in three weeks.
As an aside, Kate must really want to be captured by the law, wanting to marry a cop. Either that, or she’s just a stone-dumb Canuck* that’s attracted to trauma. I’ve known a few women like that; that’s probably what it is. Let’s move on.
*I’d apologize to my Canadian fans, but I doubt I have any. Besides, they don’t read good.
Kate gives the Marshall a call and tells him to stop doing his job. He agrees, shuts his computer off and immediately goes home. Shortly thereafter, Kate, who makes good decisions at a rate that’s about as poor as Michael, spills it to Kevin, drugs him and flees the scene. When Kevin comes to, he proceeds to bring all of his sports memorabilia back out of the basement and redecorates the house in his underwear.
END OF SOMEWHAT UNNECESSARY AND PURELY SYMBOLIC FLASHBACK.
Back on the original island, Locke, Sayid and Desmond, along with pseudo-Boone and Shannon, hold a funeral for Mr. Eko. Locke recites the rap song I wrote for him last week, and Sayid breakdances briefly on some cardboard. This rekindles Locke’s thoughts of destiny, which leads him back to Eko’s Boom Stick. Eko, thinking ahead, carved a seemingly specific message for Locke, who gets all spooky-eyed as we fade out.
END OF THAT.
On the Hydra island, Jack informs Ben that he’s not going to perform surgery because he doesn’t have any insurance. Ben insists that he has an HMO; Jack punches him in the face.
In the polar bear cages, Kate gets hauled off to work, while Sawyer takes the day off so he can get shot in the face by Pickett. Kate objects, so the execution is held off until after the hard labor. During this time, Alex runs out with a slingshot and nails a few Others in a flurry of pointy rocks. She informs Kate that they’re going to kill Sawyer, just like they killed Alex’s boyfriend; presumably Karl*. The Others, realizing that slingshots can’t hurt anyone over the age of 10, takes her down and drags her off. Kate gets naked for some reason.
*Karl was the teen originally in the bear cage; featured for less than 8 seconds.
Juliet informs Kate that they plan on capping Sawyer unless she convinces Jack to do the surgery on Ben. That’s 5 names in one sentence; please try to keep up with me.
In an awkward meeting, Jack gets jealous over what Kate’s willing to do for Sawyer and has a bit of a tantrum. Kate cries and takes her clothes off.
Upon returning to the cages, Kate brings Sawyer up to date and demands they make a break for it. Sawyer, knowing that there’s no escape from Hydra Island, breaks the news to Kate and gets a little weepy. Kate comes over and gets naked, as we all try to pretend that what we’re seeing is erotic. The camera pans over to a roaring fireplace, then mercifully fades to black.
I take a leak and proceed to eat Cheese Whiz directly from the can. You really didn’t need to know that.
Kate and Sawyer proclaim their love for each other, which marks the first time that someone said something completely regretful immediately following sex. I’m glad it was captured on tape for posterity purposes. This is why men fall asleep instantly thereafter*; it’s so they don’t accidentally promise to buy a Tennis Bracelet or clean the garage.
*I’m not one of those guys. My garage is spotless and the Missus is diamond-encrusted.
In the shark cage, Jack hears Alex’s voice on the intercom, telling him to try the door. It’s unlocked, so he heads off in search of television and guns. He finds Ben’s control room, and observes Kate and Sawyer basking in the afterglow. This upsets him a bit, causing his gears to turn and eventually agreeing to do the surgery on Ben. His only demand is to get off the island, and possibly get his hands on the uncut surveillance tape of Kate and Sawyer.
Ben agrees, and offers to make popcorn.
During the operation, Jack slices open Ben’s kidney on purpose, giving him about an hour to live. He starts barking demands, unknowingly saving Sawyer from execution. He tells Kate via-walkie-talkie to head for the hills, not knowing that they’re on a different island. Kate refuses to leave without Saywer, and everyone’s looking confused and sweaty as we smash cut to black.
Kate gets naked.
END OF MINI-SEASON.
Good stuff, really. Let’s break it down, like Hasselhoff on the Berlin Wall.
4 – Kate is the sex symbol of the island? Fur realz? Now I see why they had to throw Vikki and Pablo* into the mix. They needed some woman, any woman to make us think that Kate was cuter by comparison. Oh, and keep her away from Sun at all times. That would ruin the illusion.
Well, I’m not buying it. Here’s a photo, though.
*This is how little I care about Nikki and Paulo.
8 – Why didn’t Desmond see Eko’s death coming? Apparently, he’s a racist clairvoyant.
15 – I like how when a character dies on Lost, their corpse always shows up next week for the funeral. It’s like a free paycheck!
16 – It would appear that Ben and Juliet adopted Alex as their own when they stole her from Rousseau back in the day. Nothing funny there; just thought I’d let you know.
Um…let’s see. I need a joke, here. Something to end this bit on a funny note. Think, man. Think!
Whew; dodged a bullet, there.
23 – “Shepard wasn’t even on Jacob’s list.” Who’s Jacob, and why/how did he make the list? The rumors are circulating that Jacob might be the mythical “Him.” Hell, he might not even live on the island. He might even be me; I’m not sure at this point.
42 – The last 15 minutes of this show was about as good as TV drama gets. It was spectacular, and you should probably watch it again if you can. In actuality, you should watch it every week for the next 12 weeks. It’s all we have.
It’s all we have.
You see, here’s the thing. Lost Friday will return in February with a Complete Season Three Recap, getting us all set up for the remainder of the year. The CDP, however, isn’t going anywhere. In December, you can expect to see Best Of 2006 lists for just about everything, the CDP Year In Review, the very first CDP Podcast, merch giveaways and much more.
Sound off in the comments section, or send an e-mail to email@example.com. To quell your Lost fix, head on over to The Coconut Internet and say hello. If you want to donate or purchase CDP merch, the links are on top. Every other Lost Friday for the season is listed below. Thanks for reading, we’ll see you Monday.
Tonight’s Special Is The “I Kill You Now.“
Season 3 Preview
Season 3 – Episode 1 Review
Season 3 – Episode 2 Review
Season 3 – Episode 3 Review
Season 3 – Episode 4 Review
Season 3 – Episode 5 Review