Eight Teeth To Eat You.


1. First impressions are very important, and I’m the undisputed King and Master of peeing them straight down my leg.

At work on Tuesday, a new employee was about to come over to my cubicle and introduce herself to me. She knew I was sort of a big deal, and probably wanted an autograph or something. It just so happened to be Halloween, so she was wearing a Prom Night-style costume; like a dead prom queen or something. She looked great, although I still haven’t seen her in the office without the bloody makeup and tattered dress. Maybe I just made her up, and she doesn’t really work here.

Anyways, she poked her head in just as I was taking a huge bite out of a BK Veggie Burger (along with a king-size fry and a chocolate shake; I’m trying to watch what I eat). As she kindly said hello (while cradling a bloody, plastic baby in her arms), I bit down and shot about a quart of mayo and barbecue sauce out of the ass-end of said burger, spooting it all over my important documents and literature.

As it were, she now thinks that the cleanest and most obsessive-compulsive man in the office is the filthiest and messiest. I’m sure of it.

You just watch. Over the next few weeks, I’ll try to engage in conversation with her, making several attempts to prove to her just how organized and anti-mayo-spootage I actually am. However, karma being what it is, I’ll just find more ways to solidify her first impression of me. Toner will splash liberally onto my pants. Newspaper ink will smear across my white shirt. Cream cheese and coffee will bombard me from all angles.

I’m the office slob to her, and no amount of organizing my Hi-Liters by color will undo that. This is precisely the sort of stuff that keeps me up at night, straightening my carpet fibers one at a time.

2. For the last few days, I was contemplating the construction of a mock MySpace page, where I would pretend to be someone I wasn’t for the purpose of satire and comedy. I’d create a character that would write horrid poetry, take photos of themselves in their bathroom mirror and invite equally disappointing friends.

In the early stages of this completely original and not-at-all-tired joke, I realized just how much work and thankless tedium goes into a set-up like that, and realized it wasn’t worth the trouble. I mean, what’s the point in spending time on a joke that will generate polite laughter at best?

The CDP, however, remains fresh, current and hilarious. Chuck Norris and so forth.

3. I think that Studio 60 is going to get cancelled, and that’s a damn shame. It’s been funnier than SNL this season, which is terribly ironic, considering that Studio 60 sketches are supposed to be stale and contrived. At the very least, Heroes is roping in about a billion viewers a week, so they’re not going anywhere.


4. On Halloween night, we had one trick-or-treater at our doorstep. Just one kid; alone and without his parents. When he knocked, I was so excited by the prospect my very first trick-or-treater at my very own door, I didn’t even see what he was wearing. I vaguely remember a funny hat of sorts, but there’s a good chance he wasn’t even in costume. As it turned out, I was far happier to see him than he was to see me.

In my haste, I think I gave him 29 candy bars. I honestly think I just dumped the entire bowl into his bag. For the record, we had a huge bowl of Kit-Kats, Milky Ways and Snickers. We don’t screw around.

Out of all the things that I miss from my childhood, Halloween is perhaps the closest to my heart. Now that I’m too old to participate in non-binge drinking Halloween festivities, I don’t have too much to look forward to on October 31. The only thing I really wanted to check out that night was the Ghost Hunters Live show, but the Missus put up a huge fuss about not going to bed with her, and I only saw about an hour of the 6-hour investigation.

Maybe next year, I guess. I’m sure it’ll be just as scary when I watch the playback tomorrow afternoon.

5. I’m going to be on Friday Night Smackdown! this week. Look for the white and red CDP sign near the top of the screen for most of the night. We had a good time, and were the best looking people in the entire arena. That’s saying something; for me, at least.

6. From The Dream Dictionary: Dreams where the dreamers teeth are falling out are much more common that most people might think. In these, the dreamers teeth crumble in their hands or the teeth fall with a light tap. There are many interpretations for this dream, one interpretation is that losing teeth reflects the dreamers anxiety about his own appearance and how others view him or her, since the teeth is usually considered an important part of our appearance.

7. Here are the last 10 albums purchased by yours truly. My collection has surpassed 2,000 with no signs of slowing down:

a. The Decemberists – The Crane Wife
b. Me First & The Gimme Gimmes – Love Their Country
c. Mew – And The Glass Handed Kites
d. The Good Life – Black Out
e. Lifetime – Somewhere In The Swamps Of Jersey
f. Arctic Monkeys – Leave Before The Lights Come On
g. The Get Up Kids – Red Letter Day & Woodson
h. P.O.S. – Ipecac Neat
i. Mew – Frengers
j. REM – And I Feel Fine: Best Of The I.R.S. Years


8. Lost Friday arrives tomorrow, along with my national television debut. Sound off in the comments section and let me know how your warding off suicide for yet another day.


15 thoughts on “Eight Teeth To Eat You.

  1. I LOL’d at the mayo explosion. It’s funny cause it’s true.I see NBC is using it’s “Don’t show it for a week or two and then more people will watch it when it’s back on” marketing technique to get people to watch Studio 60. It worked for Freaks and Geeks and it’ll work for Studio 60. I still don’t understand how they made The Office a success. It’s such a good show, it should have been canceled a long time ago. I bet someone got fired over that one.


  2. I need to remember not to eat messy things when new employees want to introduce themselves to me. I should talk to the receptionist about sending me a memo ahead of time or something.I heard that due to serious budget cuts, NBC will be showing mostly cheap game and reality shows next season. I like how they told everyone up front, so we could make a mental note to never watch their network again.<>Studio 60<> is going to die. You’re right about <>The Office<>; I cannot believe it lasted long enough to be embraced by the majority. This is the first time since <>Seinfeld<> that I’ve seen this actually work for a truly good show.The person that greenlit <>Lost<> at ABC got fired because of it. Try to wrap your mind around that one.


  3. Yes, first impressions can be fun. Have you ever met someone and then had some weird smell enter the scene? You both are trying like hell not to shoot accusing looks at each other. You just kind of go with the flow, all the time thinking: <>Did this guy just do what I think he did? OMG What if he thinks its me!<> Then, as if some telepathic signal was just transferred, you both move on to another fascinating little piece of office that happens to be across the room. Somewhat to windward.


  4. Speaking of which, Paste, <>ACL<> will be re-airing the Ben Folds episode in December. Have a great time.Blustacon, while I can’t say that the exact same thing has happened to me, I know what you mean. It’s almost as if both people know that they have to salvage what little dignity is left in the conversation.This is why I stopped talking to people years ago. No awakward moments.


  5. Heroes has me completely captivated this season. It never fails to surprise and/or amaze me.Sadly, I just can’t get into Lost anymore. Last season moved so slowly that I have 5 episodes festering on my DVR, just waiting to be watched. I just can’t bring myself to do it.


  6. JT, if you think that Season 2 moved slow, you shouldn’t bother watching Season 3. I know that I’m good at getting people on board the <>Lost<> train, but I’m not going to lie to you about the pacing.However, we’ll see if <>Heroes<> can keep this blistering pace up for 3 seasons. I doubt it, but it should be a fun ride for awhile.


  7. I don’t know what made you post #6, but I’m creeped out. ANYONE that knows me knows that I have THIS EXACT dream at least three times per month. Now, maybe I’ll sleep throug the night knowing I may be OCD about my appearance without even knowing it. Looking for to Lost Friday…


  8. The <>‘teeth falling out’<> dream is a commonplace around the <>CDP<> Headquarters. If I’m not dreaming about it, the Missus is. As it turns out, damn near everyone has had this dream at least once, even though it’s a pretty bizarre thing.Lost Friday is getting prepped as we speak. I’m writing The Skinny myself this week.


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