Droppin’ A Deuce.

1. Sweeps Month officially begins tomorrow, with a formal Opening Ceremony by my brother, Cliff. The Worst Album Covers Of All Time – Volume 2 will follow on Monday, with constant updates until the end of the year. Check back often, because big changes are set to take place for 2007.

There’s still about a week left to e-mail me your Best & Worst of 2006, and get FREE CDP SWAG in the process. Click on the banner for more information.

Ooooh, a sturdy magnet!

2. The results are in for Fact Or Crap? – CDP Edition (Volume 3). The one and only lie in the bunch was #10 (The Dislocated Shoulder). Everything else was a true statement, which will hopefully be explained in more detail during the first Official CDP Podcast later this month.

Ooooh, a tiny pin!

Nobody guessed perfectly, but Aaron and Tam Tam both guessed that #4 and #10 were crap, so I will let them fight over who was the real winner. For the record, Tam Tam made these predictions first.

Ooooh, a sturdy sticker!

In the spirit of fairness, I’ll be sending them both a FREE CDP Magnet, button and sticker, provided they e-mail me their addresses. I rule like that.

Writer’s block and apathy is destroying me at the worst possible time. Stick around for the inevitable year-end breakdown; it’s always entertaining.

Fact Or Crap? – CDP Edition. (Volume 3)

Fact Or Crap? CDP Edition.

Gather ’round, now. Here’s how you play ‘Fact Or Crap? – CDP Edition.’

I’m going to tell you 10 interesting and odd facts about myself (or boring and pompous, depending on what your opinion of me as a person is). You are going to decide which one or many of them is a lie, and let me know in the comments section. After a day or two, I’ll reveal the answer(s) and give mad props and respek to the winner. Simple as that.

If you want a reminder, here’s the wildly successful Volume One and Volume Two.

If you recall from the resulting flamewar, Volume One and Two had no lies whatsoever in either set. This time, however, I promise you that there is a lie somewhere amongst the following ten facts.

And away we go.

1. I have only lost one game of Air Hockey in my life, dating back to December of 1994. My current winning streak has lasted hundreds of games and over 12 years. I might be the greatest player of all time and not even know it. I’ve destroyed men and women of all ages, in multiple states and of multiple cultures. I back down from nobody.

By the way, I have an open challenge policy, 24/7. If you ever see me in a bar, I’ll be ready to throw down at a moment’s notice.

2. Speaking of streaks, I haven’t thrown up in well over 3 years. I’m pretty proud of that.

My last vomit came in September of 2002, shortly after me and the Missus moved in together. I was quite certain she was all set to move back out.

3. I’ve been thrown out of the world-famous Harrod’s department store in London. (I was later welcomed back in after an apology; apparently they didn’t realize who I was.)

I then spent 35 pounds on a stuffed animal that was smaller than my fist. Why was I thrown out?

Not tellin’.

4. By the Missus’ calculation, I’ve broken at least 8 of the 10 commandments in my life. Maybe more. Being raised Catholic, I’ve been well aware of my unavoidable trip to Hell for years now.

5. When I was a teenager, I outran the police in my 1986 Buick Somerset and escaped.

I was being followed by a squad car at around 2am, in the middle of nowhere after dropping off the Missus one night. I was speeding like crazy, and ran past him hiding in a median. Being broke and surly at the time, I wanted to see if I knew the back roads of Winchester, Wisconsin better than the Officer did. I got about a quarter mile ahead of him as he hit his lights, quickly turning a corner and flooring it.

After some weaving in the darkness and eventually killing my lights by a lush forest, I saw him go by, completely unaware of where I was. I simply doubled back and went home ticketless.

I consider it one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done, and I beg of you never to try it. When cops pull guns on you, pants get crapped and hearts get broken.

6. I am an ordained Reverend, and have legally officiated a wedding and an upcoming baptism.

7. One of my ex-girlfriends now works at Coyote Ugly in Chicago. She also has breast implants, and what appears to be a new face.

Thanks to MySpace, I know this. Thanks, MySpace.

8. Today’s my Mom’s 44th birthday.

Or 43rd.

Whatever; this fact doesn’t count, I just want to wish her a happy birthday.

9. On the day of my 18th birthday, I got my left ear pierced at the mall. Over the next month, the earlobe got completely infected and swelled to the size of a Peanut M&M.

After trying to ignore the unbearable pain and embarrassment for awhile, I went to the emergency room and had the back of my earlobe lanced open. I lost an assload of blood, and was then bandaged up to look like I tried to blow my own head off. To this day, there’s a half-inch scar on the back of my left ear.

It was one of the most painful days of my life. It also marked the first time I let loose a string of obscenities at a medical doctor.

10. In 1997, I was playing football with some friends during recess, when I got tackled onto the running track. My right shoulder dislocated, and had to be popped back into place by the guy who tackled me. I went back to class and have since suffered no lasting damage.

Happy guessing. Enjoy your day; Sweeps Month is inching ever closer.

Under The Influence.

Every now and again, people ask me what my influences are when it comes to my writing style, as well as my overall outlook for the themes and voice of the CDP. Ever since I was a kid, things have been shaping and changing my writing personality and overall projected attitude towards written entertainment.

Here now, the people and things that have turned me into the pompous ass I am now, in no particular order.

Stephen King.

As a kid growing up, reading Stephen King was akin to reading a dirty magazine, so I felt as if I was in on something very mature and groundbreaking when I cracked his books. He was probably my first main influence, as it was this sort of storytelling that got me into writing in the first place. I mainly started out writing awful horror pieces just to frighten my parents (not because the story itself was scary, mind you, but because they thought they were going to have to put their son through years of therapy). Although I haven’t read any King novels in over a decade, he made a huge impact on me as a child.

I didn’t do any humor until around the 5th grade, when I realized that I could instantly improve my popularity by doing impressions and making fun of people.

Calvin & Hobbes/The Far Side.

C&H was the most well-rounded, brilliant and beautiful comic strip of all time; TFS was the laugh-out-loud funniest. I look back at Far Side cartoons from the early 80’s and marvel at how far ahead it was of the surreal, intelligent, precision-based humor we saw with The Simpsons a decade later. Until the end of time, cubicle dwellers will continue to hang Far Side cartoons up as a symbol of rebellion and intelligence in a sterile and humorless environment. Even now, I cannot believe that The Far Side was allowed to mingle with the rest of the funny pages for so long; I don’t think a mainstream comic strip will ever match the dark and surreal world that Gary Larson created.

C&H represents my childhood more than I could ever convey. It’s an amazing journey to read through all of Bill Watterson’s collections, full of incredible humor, personal reflection and uncompromisable intelligence. Most of these collections are available at a book store for around $5 now, so you should probably pick up one or two. Better yet, the hard-bound retrospective makes a great Christmas gift (there’s one for The Far Side, too).

The illustrations, brilliant-yet-childlike dialogue and timeless philosophy make Calvin & Hobbes the most rewarding comic strip experience possible.

Billie Joe Armstrong.

Green Day’s Dookie changed my life; period. It made me realize that music could be created by actual people; and anyone could creatively express themselves through melody and 3 chords. Dookie represented the MTV generation and the fast-food wrapper apathy of the 90’s with ruthless aggression and honesty. I instantly bought a drum set and became the man I am now, without many changes in between.

There’s a certain age (usually 11 or 12), when that one special band finally hits you in the head and changes your outlook on life. In 1993, this band was Green Day. My friend Ben is a little older than me, so for him it was Nirvana in 1991. See? It’s all relative. Say what you want about the band now, but there’s no denying the effect it had on us tweeners in the 90’s.

Let’s see. Stephen King, Green Day…how else can I appear hopelessly dated and stale? Well…

Top 40 Radio in 1988.

I had always wanted to be a DJ, and was addicted to the radio for an entire decade starting in 1985. I thought they had the coolest job in the world, beaming music to kids like me, who were clutching the radio to their ear while their parents slept. Pop radio was my lullabye, and DJ’s were my outlet to the rest of the world. My folks always had the radio on at my house, so my encyclopedic knowledge of music started brewing before I even knew what was going on. When other kids were outside, playing with action figures and sports equipment, I was inside recording variety shows and working on my DJ voice.

My parents thought I was gay, for sure.

(It should be noted that I was a huge fan of radio at a point in history where some of the worst songs of all time were popular. I’m glad I made it out alive. I was also a huge fan of radio at the exact same moment that DJ’s lost all power over what was played on their station.)

Graeme Bennett.


I ran across his ‘blog’ in the 6th grade (the term didn’t exist in 1993), and I thought it was brilliant. With the internet still brand new for consumers, I hadn’t the chance to read peoples’ autobiographical short stories as much as we all take for granted now. The idea that you could read other peoples’ thoughts and ideas online for free was amazing. Of course, this just makes me sound like an old man in 2006.

From what I can gather, Graeme was a big technology commentator from Canada, and he hopped on the personal webpage thing pretty early on in the lifespan of the internet. He was also a genuinely good writer, and I immediately wanted to start a page of my own. 10 years later, I finally did.

Pork Tornado/Salami Tsunami.

This guy is the only blogger I’ve ever read (and I’ve read thousands) that makes me want to be better. He crafts his sentences and jokes with perfect timing and punctuation, his stories are always engaging and unbelievably funny, and he has this way of making the most inane seem hilarious. The concept of the Humorous Essay Blog is an art form that people should appreciate more in culture, and Dusty Scott is like Rembrandt (he can draw, too!). I have absolutely no problem declaring Pork Tornado the Funniest Blog on the Planet.

I found his page by accident, looking for ‘noisy neighbor’ info, and I was instantly hooked. If you’ve noticed any change in writing style over the past 8 months, blame Pork Tornado. Every time I think I’ve done something great, he has something up that’s better. I’m in a constant battle with him, and he doesn’t even know I exist. If the CDP has to take a backseat to one blog, I will bow in acceptance to the glory of Pork Tornado. His millions of hits and huge fanbase will back me up on this one.

I hate him.

Mystery Science Theater 3000/The Simpsons/SNL.

MST3K, SNL and The Simpsons made me smarter, which is something I can’t say about any other comedies. MST3K gave me a crash course in obscure film references, trivia and an anarchist approach to Hollywood, SNL kept me abreast with current US culture and satire, and The Simpsons (specifically John Swartzwelder) turned me on to many aspects of historic America and the future of ironic comedy that shapes me today.

As a kid, my parents wouldn’t let me stay up for SNL, but they would tape it for me. I would watch episodes constantly, analyzing the art of live tv and one-set stages. For years, it was my dream to be on SNL, although I wouldn’t want to do it anymore. Save your calls, Lorne.

I also take pride in knowing more information about these three shows than just about everyone I’ve ever met. At the end of the day, I’ve always stated that MST3K is the greatest television show of all time; even better than The Simpsons. My opinion stems from the fact that while The Simpsons have already peaked in popularity and creativity, MST3K was constantly solid and actually improved over their 10 year run.

Not to mention, an episode of MST3K was 2 hours long and ran for 10 seasons, which is the equivalent to 40 seasons of a typical 30-minute show. That’s a lot of jokes to write.

The Missus.

I wrote her hundreds of pages of letters when we were courting, and each one was a little masterpiece, because I wanted so desperately for her to think I was intelligent and worth her time. These letters turned out to be embarrassingly overwritten and emo-Shakespearean in nature. As much as I’ll be mercilessly made fun of, I’m willing to share a small sample with you, chosen completely at random…

I would trade in everything I’ve ever owned to hold you in my arms until you fell asleep. There’s no hiding it anymore, I have an obsession with you. I can’t leave you alone, and I will stop at nothing until I have you beside me. Once you’re there, you can forget about the world, because I’m never letting you go.

I know I can’t hold you forever, but I’m going to damn sure try.

Holy crap, that was absolutely psychotic. The Missus should have got a restraining order against me, seriously. In my defense, however, this letter was written months after we already started our hot-n-heavy courtship.

Still, though. My goodness, that was insane.

The Kids.

In the 4th and 5th grades, I got into the habit of writing weekly serials for the fellow students. I would create a character and put him or her in an amusing situation every week. Fellow students would line up by my desk on Friday afternoons, waiting to be handed a copy of the latest adventure. Eventually, the teachers got a hold of some of these, and promptly banned me from continuing.

Between you and me, Kickin’ It With Cliff isn’t a new idea. In fact, it’s based on a story I wrote in 1991.

I was also creating cassette tapes with my cousin that had us doing a huge variety of random things, such as singing parody songs, writing essays, doing impromptu sketches, mocking TV shows, doing mock call-in-style radio shows and announcing sporting events. We actually did this for 10 years, spanning from 1986 (I was 4!) to 1996. It was a chance to express all the creative and funny ideas we had concocted in unfinished basements all over Wisconsin (and after staying up for 36 hours straight). While the material on these tapes is absolute gold and a huge part of my childhood, we’ve made a solemn vow to never share them with anyone after 1998.

The idea was to be creative in as many forms as possible, and entertain friends and family as much as possible. I’m still doing that, only now I try to entertain thousands of strangers via the blogosphere. It’s a perfect fit.

So, there you have it. A large, boring chunk of my personal life, spilled into the open like so much toxic waste. Sound off in the comments section and call me a self-absorbed asshole. And while you’re at it, make fun of my influences for good measure.

And while I’m at it, happy Thanksgiving.

Pre-Sweeps Month Checklist.

CDP Sweeps Month
is just around the corner. Are you excited? Personally, I’m tingling with anticipation.

Once again, Sweeps Month is an end-of-the-year blitz to garner as many hits as possible in a 30-day period. In 2004 and 2005, Sweeps Month was the busiest month of each year as far as traffic was concerned, and we’re going to attempt to do it again.

Here are just a few things you can expect in the Month of December:

The CDP Year In Review.
The Worst Album Covers Of All Time – Part Deux.
The Best Comments Of 2006.
The Best Albums Of 2006.
The Best & Worst Of 2006.
CDP Post #500.
The State Of The CDP Speech – 2006.
The Official CDP Podcast.

These particular posts take up a lot of my time, so I’ll be working on them over the next two weeks, to make sure they’re ready come December. In the case of The Best & Worst Of 2006, I need your help.

Last year, I accepted reader e-mails to help me with the Best/Worst post. It worked out quite well, and I wanted to try to do it again. There are a lot more people reading the CDP now than there were in 2005, and I’m always looking for ways to outsource as much work as possible to folks who don’t deserve it.

Here’s how this is going to work:

1. You send an e-mail to communistdance@yahoo.com. In it, state one or all of the following:

a) Your favorite & least favorite Album of 2006.
b) Your favorite & least favorite Film of 2006.
c) Your favorite & least favorite Book of 2006.
d) Your favorite & least favorite TV Show of 2006.
e) Your favorite & least favorite Song of 2006.
f) Your favorite & least favorite Moment In General of 2006.
g) Any other favorites and least favorites you want to mention.

Be creative, be funny and elaborate as much as possible on whatever you want; it matters not. Again, you can talk about just one of these things, or about all of them. The more, the better, though.

2. As an added bonus for participating in CDP Sweeps Month, I want to send everyone who e-mails me some FREE CDP SWAG.

So, if you participate in the Best & Worst of 2006, just include your mailing address in the e-mail, and you’ll be sent FREE CDP stickers, buttons, magnets and maybe more! Your address will be shared by nobody and instantly deleted once the package has been shipped. I couldn’t care less where you live, honestly.

Also, if you still don’t want free merch and don’t care to share your address, you can still e-mail me and participate in the event. It’s as simple as that. The e-mailed comments will be used in the Best/Worst post and attributed to you (not as your real name; your screen name will do).

Here’s a link to last year’s list for inspiration, and the deadline for submissions will be in about two weeks, so get cracking.

I don’t know how I can make this easier. Obviously, if you still want to donate to the CDP or buy merch the other way, the links are on the top of the page. Sound off in the comments section, start e-mailing your responses to communistdance@yahoo.com and enjoy your day.

Kickin’ It With Cliff.

(Today’s post was written by Cliff, the older brother of the CDP. Since 2002, Cliff has been living in the basement of CDP Headquarters, where he has been financially supported and cared for by the CDP and the Missus. This is believed to be his first foray into the Blogosphere.)

Hi, me Cliff. How doing?

Me want to talk to peeple today, becuz Cliff have something to say. Most day, Cliff say nothing. But this impordant. More impordant than Judge judy, which I think on right now.

Everypeeple think CDP so funny. He not. Everypeeple say he so clever and smell nice. Not reely true. I the funny one, he take funny from me and pretend like HE the funny. He steal all my joke, like Robin Williams, only CDP have no drug problem. Me give him that.

Two day ago, he come down in basement, or like me say, Cliff Hedquarters. See? He already take one joke from me! Like I saying, he come down and say, ‘I go to store, want anything?’ I tell him I need new left shoe and wrestling magazeene. He say no problem, he be right back.

When he gone, I sit in dark and eat cold hot dog. He no let me use microwave, becuz I put to-go box in there once and burn house down. Cannot Cliff make one mistake? Cannot he forgive?

When he come back from store, he sez magazeene for him and store don’t sell no left shoes. I know not true, becuz I used to work at store as greeter. I say hi to magic door when it open, sit on stool, make 10 cents a day. When I tell him he lying, he say I can’t read anyway and don’t need to wear shoes.

He make a good point. But still mean.

Me a writer, too. He learn from big brother how to make storys good. I tell him that peeple like to reed about scary things, like fireworks and baloons. I say that they both pop and make loud noise, and that scary as hell to me. He take me to firework show in July, me poop on car hood and try to make a brake for it. I run over 14 kids in park, crash station wagon into lake Michigan.

He very mad that day. He say, ‘You live in basement forever now.’

Feemale kids and teens his target demo, so I tell him to be hip and cool on blog page, like the MTV. I say, ‘You get Xzibit to pimp blog.’

He cut cable in basement, I not know what cool anymore.

Me not even supposed to be on computer. He spend $1600 on new Mack, tell me I no touch it ever. He no tell me what to do, though, I my own man. He just scared I tell wife about seecret naked folder he have. He no have naked foto of actress or news ankor, he just have naked fotos of himself. Me no know why he take so many, or why. All I know is he need to see doctor more than me.

I hear his car in driveway, better go back to basement. Me take a few hot dog for the road, though.

I Cliff. Me funny, too.

(You can e-mail questions to Cliff at communistdance@yahoo.com, and he will answer them in the order that they are received. Depending on the fluxuating state of Cliff’s well-being, he will be featured every Friday during Lost’s absence.)

Outernational Incident.

Outernational Incident.Another Outernational Incident.

Step #1 – Buy some CDP merch.
Step #2 – Take a photo of yourself enjoying CDP merch.
Step #3 – E-mail photos to me.
Step #4 – Profit!

Here we see JT of Spork Nation and The CDP Network fame, enjoying a beverage and supporting his favorite college sports franchise, all while demonstrating his undying support and loyalty to the CDP. This made my day, and I hope it makes yours as well. The PBR belt buckle and dapper hat only sweetens the deal.

Speaking of CDP Swag, during Sweeps Month this December, stay tuned for your chance to snag some FREE CDP merch to claim as your own. In the meantime, sound off in the comments section and e-mail all photos to communistdance@yahoo.com.

Before I head out today, I wanted to share just one more photo of a CDP Network alumni. Here’s a shot of our good friend Paste, taken from his MySpace page:

Paste, rocking the beard.

And here’s a photo of indie hip-hop superstar Sage Francis at a recent show:

Sage, rocking the beard.

You know, not only have I never seen these two in the same room together, I have noticed Paste busting a lot more rhymes as of late. Could it be?


International Incident.

Oh, Canada.

Dear Friends, Family, Fans and Casual Readers of the CDP:

Last Friday, my normally crisp and poetic writing style was marred by a cheap insult against Canadians. During the CDP‘s weekly “Lost Friday,” a wildly popular and hilarious roundup of the previous week’s episode of Lost, I made the following slur:

“As an aside, Kate must really want to be captured by the law. Either that, or she’s just a stone-dumb Canuck that’s attracted to trauma. I’d apologize to my Canadian fans, but I doubt I have any. Besides, they don’t read good”

This, my friends, was shameful. I deserved to be called out on it, and I was.

No less than three hours after the post went public, I received this e-mail from a woman residing in Winnipeg, Manitoba:

How could you say that about Canadians, you do have Canadians fans and I am/was one of them! Plus remember this “character” is not real and in fact made up by American writers.

The CDP normally gets about a dozen e-mails a week, but this one was especially important to me, as it was one of the very few that I got from outside of the country. Also, it was important because I not only insulted the Greatest Country in the World, I insulted a CDP fan.

I quickly replied with the following, which I am now making public for the world to see:

Boy, is my face red. A serious apology is in order.

I was joking, but you should expect better from me, and I’m sorry. I absolutely love Canada; my dream is to move to Toronto one day with the Missus. We were lucky enough to spend a few weeks in Ontario last year, and it was truly unforgettable.

Cheap laughs be damned! You have my word as an American citizen (however much weight that carries nowadays) that I will never, EVER use the wonderful country of Canada as a stepping stone for a throwaway joke again.

You also have my word that I will be making this apology public on the CDP next week. I really appreciate you taking the time to write me, and I hope that you continue to be entertained by the CDP in the future. I’m an ass, and I deserved this wake-up call far more than you deserved to be insulted by me.

Promise kept. I’m a man of my word.

A few minutes later, I got this reply from her:

Wow! Not only was that a fast response, but very genuine and sweet. I knew you were kidding, but thought I would let you know you do have Canadian fans. Thanks, I wasn’t even expecting a response. Ok, I am still a fan of your site and glad we cleared the air. Thanks so much, take care!

Who says that US/Canada relations are strained? This is how you resolve conflict! We traded a few more pleasant e-mails and called it a day, thus allowing me to sleep peacefully that evening.

Enjoy your day. Sound off in the comments section, and tell me what you’re doing to avoid International incident.