Why I Have A Mouth Full Of Fillings.

Mmmm...Fillings.
(This is the most bizarre story I could ever tell you about a Dentist. Take from that what you will.)

PART I.

It was about two or three years ago. Me and the Missus were chatting in the living room like we normally do, taking heroic shots of Paint Thinner and watching an infomercial for the Miracle Blade ‘Rock-N-Chop.’ You know, just enjoying the afternoon.

Okay, let me stop right there; a lot of that isn’t really true. For starters, it was much later in the evening. Also, due to my impaired mental state, the Missus looked suspiciously like a stick of butter. Let’s continue.

Butter Stick starts talking about going to the Dentist for a cleaning, which was something we both were long overdue for. She gets into telling me about her previous Dentist, who didn’t believe in painkillers and always drilled and filled without the aid of anesthesia. She claims he was a former Nazi that defected to the country with a bogus passport.

“Wow, sucks to be you.” I said, as I dialed the number on the TV screen and looked for my credit card. “I’ve never had a cavity. Do you want to get the zesting tool for just five bucks extra?”

“What are you talking about?” she responded. “You have cavities. You have all kinds of fillings in your mouth. And no, we already have a zesting tool in the junk drawer.”

“These aren’t fillings; they’re sealants. I got them when I was a kid.”

“Dude, those are fillings. Go and look in the mirror.”

We both toddled into the bathroom and I opened wide.

“Ahhhhh.”

“All of your molars are filled in.” she said, “Here, look at mine.”

Sure enough, my sealants looked a hell of a lot like the Butter Stick’s fillings. Something was amiss.

“Something is amiss,” I said.

PART II.

It was 1990. The small town I grew up in only had one dentist’s office, so Dr. Armstrong was quite simply the only game in town. His practice was a hole-in-the-wall deal, nestled up against my family’s old grocery store, also the only one in the town. Come to think of it, everything in my town was the only one in the town, save for the gaggle of taverns that littered the main drag. They never had a problem staying in business, however, and the suicide rate wasn’t high enough to warrant an alcoholic recession.

My mom, who was around 26 at the time, knew Dr. Armstrong from when he would come into the grocery store. She tried to ignore the locals when they sniffed and gossipped about his lifestyle. “Him and his wife are swingers, you know?” said one older woman. “They throw wild parties every weekend!” chimed in another. Mom was never one to listen to rumors and hearsay, so she didn’t think too much of it when Dr. Armstrong hired her to become his Dental Assistant later that year, after the grocery store closed down.

This was strike one. First off, Dental Hygienists need to be licensed through the state. Working with medical equipment, sterilized tools, blood and mouths all day require a certain amount of training and experience from the get-go. My mom didn’t know this, and Dr. Armstrong didn’t seem too bothered by it.

After a few weeks of this, it appeared that Dr. Armstrong wasn’t too bothered by a lot of things.

PART III.

Indoor Hot Tub...Classy!

(For the remainder of this story, I’m going to let my Mom take over. Here’s the transcript of the e-mail she sent me concerning the matter; her story is in bold, my interjections are in italics:)

Not long after I was hired, the mention of this Christmas party came up. The people in town all laughed and said I should be careful, and me, being naive, thought that sort of thing would never happen because he hardly knew me. I was wrong.

(My mom isn’t naive, so much as she trusts people far too much. For example, she trusted me not to turn this e-mail into a blog post, but here we are; mainly because I’m out of material.)

He asked me at the office what I drank so he could have it at the party; I told him that I didn’t drink. He then told me to bring my swimming suit; I told him that I didn’t swim. I was a little concerned about what could possibly happen, so I asked him how many people were coming. He said 20 couples. At that point I thought nothing could happen, since that was way too many people, and it was supposed to be every employee from the 3 offices he had.

(My mom doesn’t drink, period. A few months ago, I bought her a bottle of wine from a beautiful place in southern Wisconsin. She was afraid to have a glass with us, for fear she wouldn’t be able to drive. This is why I don’t need therapy; I already know where all of my problems came from.)

On the night of the party, your dad and I showed up and there were 2 couples; Dr. Armstrong, his wife and 1 other couple (surprise). The second we got in the door, they asked what we wanted to drink and again I said that I didn’t drink. Your father asked for something (of course) and I am sure it was mixed extremely strong.

(My dad, on the other hand, likes to drink. For the last 23 years, my dad has been picking up the slack for all of the drinking my mom didn’t do. It’s a fair balance, but it’s probably something they should have worked out before the wedding.)

Then they said they wanted to play darts, and we should pick teams (our names were in a hat, already written up). Armstrong picked the teams, and of course we were all mixed up. After playing darts for a game or two (and them all drinking heavily), they decided we should go swimming.

(This is what us writers like to call a ‘Major Plot Point.’)

They had an indoor pool and a sauna. I again told them that I didn’t swim, but they insisted. Your father also insisted, because he was drunk by this time (I honestly think they put something in his drinks). I told them that I didn’t bring a suit, so Dr. Armstrong’s wife said she had one for me. Of course, they had trunks for your father, which he was more than willing to put on.

(They probably did put something in my dad’s drinks. Alcohol. Nonetheless, this is the point in the story where most women would take the keys and leave their husband for the buzzards to pick clean. Things are clearly going from bad to worse.)

The suit that they gave me was nothing but string and I was throwing a fit in the bathroom, telling your dad I didn’t want to put it on, but again he insisted. So, stupid me, I put it on and we went out by the pool. After about 2 seconds, they decided to go into the sauna. We all went in there, but I couldn’t breathe because of my asthma, so I said that I was going back out. Your dad, by the way, was sitting between Dr. Armstrong’s wife and this other woman.

(Let it be known that my dad is not a domineering or demanding guy. It’s just that my mom has this thing where she would rather live with shame for the rest of her life than to simply step out of an uncomfortable situation. I’m like her in many ways, although I still couldn’t believe that she went through with this. It is pretty funny, though.)

I go out to the pool. Dr. Armstrong follows me out and says, “Lets go skinny dipping.” I tell him no, and he says, “Why not? your husband is in the sauna making out with my wife.” I was sitting on a chair at the time, and he took off his trunks, jumped in and came up over where I was sitting; jumping completely naked out of the pool. He said, “Let’s have a drink,” and I told him that I was going home.

(Finally! You know, me and the Missus aren’t swingers, but you’d think that most swingers wouldn’t assume that others practiced a similar lifestyle. Seems pretty intrusive, if you ask me. Swinger Rule #1 should state that you explicitly ask the new couple in question before you advance on them. It’s just good business.)

I went and got dressed; put on my coat, gloves and scarf (it was winter), and went to get your dad. He was having a great time (not making out with anyone, by the way), but the girls were wearing less than him. I had to wait for about a half hour to get your drunk dad to leave. I didn’t speak to him for a week.

(Yup, that sounds about right. My dad would have never cheated on my mom, but he was certainly likely to get drunk and make an ass out of himself. I’m like him in many ways.)

The next week, I told Dr. Armstrong that I was not coming back to work for him because of what happened, and he said that he would not pay me my last paycheck. I had to get a lawyer to get it from him.

(Classy!)

As far as his shady business practices go, I saw him spank a kid who wouldn’t sit still (that always makes it easier to get your child to trust the dentist). He also filled yours and you sister’s teeth with fillings instead of sealants. He didn’t sterilize his equipment sometimes and just used alcohol to wipe them off.

-Love, Mom.

(Epilogue: Dr. Armstrong eventually got into more trouble for not keeping proper records and had to relocate his business to another city. A few years later, he administered a drug to a patient that was severely allergic to it and was stripped of his Dental license. A huge lawsuit followed with many former patients accusing him of neglect. He went bankrupt in 2003.)

Despite the nature of this story, my mom thinks it’s quite funny nowadays. I never got my dad’s opinion of it, but I’m certain he wouldn’t remember anyways. Every year or so, I make her tell me this story again, simply because it’s hilarious.

And that’s why I have a mouth full of fillings.

Lost Friday – "The Glass Ballerina."

The Glass Ballerina.
Season 3 – Episode 2: “The Glass Ballerina.”

Another Lost Friday is upon us; we have much to discuss. Happy Friday the 13th to you.

I don’t know about you, but I liked this episode a whole helluva lot. In my opinion, it did everything right, advanced the plot, pretty much wrapped up the Jin/Sun/Sayid cliffhanger and had fantastic flashback sequences. Sure, there are other storylines that we’d rather be focusing on, but all things considered, this was a great interjection and a chance to get our bearings together after the Season Premiere.

Also, my opinion of this episode is in no way biased due to my deep (and extremely unhealthy) feelings for Sun, so you can cram that theory straight up your chute. Make with The Skinny!

THE SKINNY – SPONSORED BY HALLIBURTON.
Halliburton.

The episode begins with a flashback to Sun’s house when Sun was just a little girl. A crystal ballerina is spinning through the air until it crashes, shattering into pieces. Sun, who is the only person present in the room, flees in terror. Later, her father confronts her and asks her if she broke the glass ballerina. Sun lies and tells her father that it was the maid who broke the ballerina even though her father tells her that he will fire the maid if Sun accuses her.

Is my glass eye too obvious?

Jack is sitting in the corner of the aquarium where he is being held captive. Juliet brings soup to him, which she claims she made herself. On returning to Ben, where Ben is monitoring video feeds of Jack, Sawyer, and Kate, he comments that Juliet never made soup for him. Colleen enters and warns Ben that Sayid has discovered the false village and also that he has a sailboat. Ben insists she form a team to capture the boat. Later, Colleen is seen gathering people.

With the desire of protecting Sun and her unborn child, Jin tells Sayid that he thinks it is time to return to the camp. Sayid tells Jin and Sun that he will not abandon Jack and suggests that they move to a different location to light a new signal fire. Sun sides with Sayid, and she sails the boat further around the island.

On the beach, while the three are making a fire, Sun asks Sayid why he is lying, and Sayid admits he thinks the others have been captured and he intends to ambush the Others and take some hostages and kill the rest. He asks Sun to lie to Jin, but Jin soon realizes what is really going on, and tells Sun he knows more English than she thinks he does and that she betrayed him with her lie.

That's it, I'm kicking your ass.
(“If you sing one more Dixie Chicks song, I’m going to saw your beautiful head off.”)

Later that night, while Jin and Sayid are on the shore, a group of Others boards the sailboat. Colleen encounters Sun below deck and surprisingly Sun shoots her in the stomach after Colleen insisted she would not. Sun barely escapes the boat while being shot at. The Others steal the boat and Jin rescues Sun from the water.

Ben visits Jack and formally introduces himself as Benjamin Linus. He tells Jack that he will need him to do something for him in the future. Ben shows Jack a video of the Red Sox winning the World Series to prove that they have contact with the outside world and can take Jack home.

In flashbacks, Sun’s father discovers the relationship she was having with Jae Lee. While he doesn’t tell Jin about it, he demands that Jin kill him. Jin, not wanting to murder anyone, informs Jae Lee that he must leave the country and disappear. Moments after leaving Jae Lee’s apartment, a shamed Jae Lee kills himself by jumping from his window. At Jae Lee’s funeral, Sun’s father informs her that it’s not his place to tell Jin what he knows.

I guess the rumors are true.
(“Wow…you should really have that looked at.”)

While Sawyer and Kate are working outside, Sawyer kisses Kate in order to instigate the guards. Sawyer fights them before being tasered. Sawyer later reveals that he did it to learn which guards would give them a problem if they tried to escape. The episode ends with Ben looking at a bank of monitors watching and listening to Kate and Sawyer.

Well, there you go. Things happened; people watched. Make with The Numbers!

THE NUMBERS – SPONSORED BY DOW CHEMICAL.
Dow Chemical.

4 – I hate Juliet. Hate, hate, abso-freaking-lutely hate this woman with the burning intensity of a million hydrogen bombs. I might actually hate this woman more than Ana Lucia, which I thought was impossible until last week. However, this burning hatred is a credit to the writing staff, because this woman is pure evil.

I'm evil, and that's okay.
(Due to her crooked jaw, Juliet was always walking at a slight angle.)

Her condescending attitude makes me vibrate with anger, mainly because I know a lot of people who act like her in reality (supervisors and middle-managers, mostly). Clearly, her and Ben were an item at some point; she acts like a male, less homoerotic version of him. The way she was talking down to Jack last week, and her cold and calculated way of doing things is rapidly making her the most monsterous villan on television.

Damn, I hate this woman. That’s a good thing, though.

8 – Watching Jae Lee get his ass kicked by Jin was incredibly satisfying. I sincerely wanted the scene to last 5 minutes longer and get far more violent. I mean, I wanted Jin to tear this guy apart. Rule #1 of Not Being A Complete Ass is to not seduce a married woman, no matter how volitile their relationship might be. True, they didn’t sleep together, but it still would have been enough to send me on a murderous rampage. When Sun’s dad sent Jin to ‘finish the job,’ I was all but waving a pennant at the TV that said ‘Graphic Violence’ on it.

I feel just terrible for you.
(“I never made the connection that cheating on a hitman’s wife was a bad idea!”)

The way he was bloody and crying with the gun to his head was poetic, and pretty much saved an otherwise quiet show from being lost in the Season Three shuffle. Had Jin known what he had done, his body would have never been identified. Luckily for Jae Lee, he was able to die with some dignity.

The fall onto Jin’s windshield was flat-out awesome. Not only did Jin not have to kill him, but Sun’s dad believes that Jin has obeyed his orders, and Sun feels terrible forever. Everyone wins.

Problem solved.
(Jae Lee, knowing that he couldn’t afford to live anywhere else but New Jersey, kills himself.)

It should also be noted that the beginning of the episode was important to the underlying message of the episode. Mainly that Sun’s kind of a liar, and Jin is a sad, sad man that nobody feels the need to be honest with.

15 – Should I take it as a compliment that they recognized the Red Sox World Series win, or should I be upset that Jack didn’t believe it for a second?

Man, Curt Shilling is a beautiful man.
(“God, David Ortiz is a beautiful man.”)

That was a great scene, with Jack getting a glimpse of the real world again. Also, it was nice throwback to what Christian used to tell him about “The Sox winning the series.” Anytime the 2004 MLB Playoffs are mentioned on TV, I’m a happy guy. Also, is Ben telling the truth about the date? I know it’s still November of 2004 on the island, but perhaps he’s pulling one over on us. There have been many theories about the timeframe not being what we think it is, but if you take Ben at his word, everything seems to be pretty much in order.

Benjamin revealed that his last name is Linus and he’s lived on the island for his entire life. Thought you might want to know that.

16 – Sun shot that Colleen chick right in the gut. Good; I didn’t like that girl, anyways. How uncool to open fire on a pregnant woman. You’d assume that they want her baby just as much as they wanted Aaron, Walt and that slew of tykes from the tail section.

Please let me kill someone.
(In just under 30 seconds, Sayid murders a thousand people in his mind.)

Sayid was uber-cool in this episode. He was setting a signal fire, walking straight up the Pala Ferry dock and assuring Jin that everything was safe; which led me to believe that Sayid was slowly becoming an idiot. However, he (as usual) knew exactly what was going on, and had a bloodbath in mind. “I’ll take two of them hostage and kill the rest.”

I’ve been known to do that on occasion, myself.

23 – Clearly, Kate and Sawyer will emerge from their slavery as a couple. Also, they are about two of the most dangerous castaways on the island. I expect a bloody escape attempt during Episode 6. I really got a kick out of the irritable guy with the tazer; I think Sawyer broke his nose. By the way, kissing Kate was probably worth the brutal pistol whipping.

Also, the only reason Kate was put in a dress was to boost the sex appeal this season; I’m absolutely sure of it. That all being said, it’s working like a charm. She looked good, probably better than I’ve ever seen her on the show. I have this thing for chicks with bloody wrists and pickaxes. Unfortunately, there is not yet a website that spotlights this fetish. Leave it to me to find the only unexplored kink on the planet.

You ate the last Ding-Dong!
(Action Fat Guy!)

I’m going to rig my refrigerator so that whenever I open it, I get the same celebratory fanfare that Sawyer gets when he trips the food button. For whatever reason, I think that’s absolutely hilarious. I mean, why would bears want to hear that music?

Also, what are the Others building? Can’t the Widmore group drop them a jackhammer from the sky?

What does it take to get a color TV in here?
(For someone who’s lived on the island his whole life, you’d think he’d be more tan.)

42 – Ben wants to make a deal with Jack for his freedom. I wonder what it is? Furthermore, it’ll be interesting to see who’s feeding the Others all of the castaway information from the outside world.

It’s probably Johnny Damon. He’s such a traitor. Make with the preview!

THE PREVIEW – SPONSORED BY THE CDP WEBSTORE.
The CDP Webstore!
(SPOILERS AHOY!)

Hey, Boone's Back!
(“Please let my character die.”)

Episode 3 – “Further Instructions.

4 – This episode is Locke-centric. It could be the episode where we find out how he got paralyzed, but I sort of doubt it. In fact, I sort of doubt we’ll ever find out.

8 – The official press release reads: “The fates of Locke, Eko and Desmond are revealed after the implosion of the hatch, while Hurley returns to the beach camp to tell the tale of what happened when he, Jack, Kate and Sawyer encountered “The Others.” Meanwhile, Claire is shocked to find Nikki and Paulo in Jack’s tent.”

Oooh, Nikki and Paulo! I love those two!

15 – Expect to see a bizarre dream sequence taking place at the Oceanic airport, involving most of the cast. These sequences will lead to us seeing Boone again, sending Locke on a journey very reminescent of Season 1. Of course, Shannon will show up in a bikini to berate the both of them, just for old time’s sake.

I don't draw good.
(“This is you. You suck.”)

16 – Again, Desmond’s going to be naked. Whoever said that sex on TV was a one-gender affair?

23 – This might be the last episode having anything to do with the hatch, so savor the flavor. This season has been mythology-free so far (just like I said it would), so this episode should satisfy those Lost fans that prefer the DHARMA-style mystery that Season 2 was so full of (like me). The more baffling of an ordeal this show becomes, the happier I get.

42 – This episode was originally scheduled to be Episode 2, so don’t expect any overlap between this episode and the previous two. Apparently, the producers wanted to run the Jin/Sun episode first, which makes sense considering the overall landscape of the storyline.

Thanks for checking out another week of Lost Friday. If you want to talk, sound off in the comments section or send an e-mail to communistdance@yahoo.com. If you want to make a donation or buy some CDP merch, check out the links at the top of the page. Otherwise, head on over to The Coconut Internet and tell everyone how much of an ass I am.

I’m a big boy, I can take it. See you Monday.

EPISODE 1 REVIEW
SEASON THREE PREVIEW

Link Party* – October Edition.

The CDP's October Link Party.

1. “Hey, what did you do this weekend?

First off, thanks for asking. On Friday, we went to a fantastic concert at The Loft, a nice Madison venue for the hipsters and Locomotive Engineer hat-wearing crowd. Headlining the show was Minus The Bear, with P.O.S. and the Velvet Teen opening. These artists have released three of the best albums of the past year in my opinion, so I was very excited.

The Velvet Teen.

The three members of the Velvet Teen (who absolutely never tour) created a wall of sound that rivaled even the 5-piece noodling of Minus The Bear. Their new album, Cum Laude, is a huge artistic triumph and a sure-fire Album of the Year candidate for the CDP.

The Velvet Teen. Again.

Their new drummer was an absolute monster behind the kit, giving one of the most jaw-dropping and technical performances I’ve ever seen. Seriously, I’ve seen hundreds of good live drummers, but this guy was instantly placed in my top five. We shot a video clip with our digital camera, but the drumming was so fierce that everything got distorted.

The Almighty P.O.S.

Next up was Minneapolis’ very own P.O.S., who was masterful at working over the mostly-indie crowd. His new album, Audition, is hands-down the best rap album of the year, drawing huge on punk influences and self-effacing introspection. He had a small but rabid fanbase in attendance (including myself), but surely earned himself a few hundred new fans when his set was over.

The Almighty P.O.S...Again.

His crowd interaction, intelligence and intensity were unparalleled; why this guy isn’t a huge star yet is beyond me. After the show, he challenged all fans to a thumb-wrestling competition; if he lost, he would give you free stuff. Brilliant.

Minus The Bear.

Minus The Bear took the stage to a thunderous reaction, and slowly slipped the crowd into a coma over the course of an hour. Don’t get me wrong, I love the group, it’s just that listening to too much of them at one time will hypnotize you.

Minus The Bear. Again.

Their perfected, calculated and breezy sounds are the perfect music for drinking on a harbor dock or driving backroads at 2am, not standing on tired feet in a club. We left during their encore, and they only played about two songs that I really wanted to hear. On the upside, their new material sounded great.

On Saturday, me and the Missus ran all over Madison, spending money on crap we didn’t need. I bought an armload of CD’s and the Missus bought a bunch of accessories for our new phones. I’m just happy that I don’t have to stand outside anymore to call my Mom.

2. “Hey, what are you watching?

What am I watching this season? Every-damn-thing. Out of the 25+ shows I’m following this year, here’s my top ten so far (not including cable):

10. Jericho
9. Supernatural
8. The Simpsons
7. My Name Is Earl
6. Friday Night Lights
5. House
4. Heroes
3. The Office
2. Studio 60
1. Lost

As far as news shows this year are concerned, if you’re not watching Heroes or Studio 60, there’s something seriously wrong with you. NBC made the wise decision to run reruns of their shows all week on their respective cable networks, so it’s never too late to jump on board.

3. “Hey, what are you listening to?

Here are the last 10 tracks and albums to take a spin in my sweet ride:

1. “My Girlfriend’s Best Friend” – The SunDid Your Mother Tell You?
2. “Get Myself Into It” – The RapturePieces Of The People We Love
3. “Flugufrelsarinn [The Fly’s Saviour]” – Sigur RosAgaetis Byrjun
4. “I Don’t Feel Like Dancin'” – Scissor SistersTa-Dah
5. “Stand By Me” – Ben E. KingThe Very Best Of The Drifters
6. “Stand Up (and get murdered)” – P.O.S.Audition
7. “Trains To Brazil” – GuillemotsFrom The Cliffs
8. “So. Central Rain (I’m sorry)” – R.E.M.Best Of The I.R.S. Years (1982-1987)
9. “Gyzmkid” – The Velvet TeenCum Laude!
10. “Sames & Opposites” – Demitri MartinThese Are Jokes

4. “Hey, what are you reading?

The Nintendo Wii.

As you can tell, I don’t have too much time for book-learnin’ right about now, but I did pick up the new issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly; mainly because of their Guitar Hero 2 preview. I haven’t been this excited for a video game since Super Mario Bros. 3 in 1990.

Super Mario Bros. 3.

Also, I’m quite excited for the release of the Nintendo Wii in November. I don’t consider myself to be anywhere near a hardcore gamer, which is exactly why I’m excited about the Wii. Nintendo understands the concept of appealing to the casual gamer with easy games and ‘jump right in’ concepts. I like games I can play with the Missus, and judging by the early reviews of the system, Nintendo has a good chance of winning the next round of the console wars. Also, the Wii will retail for around $250, whereas the PS3 is weighing in at $600. No, thank you.

5. “Hey, what else in new on the CDP Network?

Welcome To The New Glarus Hotel!

Not too much; updates have been few and far between. If you want to be included on the CDP Network (and get a few hundred extra hits a month), send an e-mail to communistdance@yahoo.com, and we’ll talk.

Sound off in the comments section and tell us what you’re up to. Lost Friday arrives next.

(* links not included.)

Free MySpace Poetry.

Free MySpace Poetry!

Are you a sensitive boy or girl on MySpace? Are you pining for that perfect piece of poetry or prose that will perpetuate your pathetic pomposity? Do you want to appear emotional and deep, but just don’t have the effort and creativity?

Look no further!

We here at the CDP have composed Free MySpace Poetry just for you! Simply choose the piece that best represents your suffering, lifeless and eternally tortured soul; then copy, paste and watch the friend requests roll in!

Beginner Section.

BEGINNER SECTION.

Example #1 – Four-Line Sonnet (ABCB):

My heart cries so loudly,
From the tower, I shall fall,
And wait for my sweet Prince(ss),
To suck the tears from my eyeball.


Example #2 – Haiku (5-7-5):

Never say goodbye
To the girl (boy) you hold so dear
Just kill them instead.

Example #3 – Limerick (AABBA):

My soul is a flawed creation,
When it’s padded with pink insulation
That makes my skin itch,
And I cry like a bitch
When my TiVo records the wrong station.

Example #4 – Rubaiyat (AABA):

Tonight I’ll slit my wrists in two;
Anything to prove that my love is true.
But I suppose I should just begin
By simply saying hello to you.

(Fact: MySpace is owned by the Fox Network.)

Intermediate Section.

INTERMEDIATE SECTION.

Example #5 – Cinquain (ABABB):

The moon was as full as my tummy
When we left the Chinese place.
The Egg Foo Yung was yummy,
Even though I despise their race.
(I need a pointed hood to hide my face.)

Example #6 – Terza rima (ABA BCB…):

I’m sporting gorgeous Emo hair;
Admiring my reflection in the mirror.
Why is life so unfair?

Why has God put me here?
With my expensive clothes and credit cards?
Everyone thinks I’m a queer.

Example #7 – Ottava Rima (ABAB AB CC):

You have to take those photos down
From your gallery on Flickr.
Your Elementary School graduation gown
Is making my heart beat quicker.


Your profile says that you live in my town,
And now I’m feeling a bit sicker.

Please don’t let me end up on Dateline.
No, please don’t let me end up on Dateline.


(Fact: 35-54 year olds make up 41% of MySpace users.)

Yep, that was me.

ADVANCED SECTION.

Example #8 – Rondelet (A4b8A4a8b8b8A4):

When I’m with Mom
She buys me things I can’t afford.
When I’m with Mom
Not Communist like Vietnam.
A hat, some gum, a new skateboard
I’ll tell you, sir, I’m never bored
When I’m with Mom.

Example #9 – Petrarchan Sonnet (A8BBA8 A8BBA8 C8DE C8DE):

This girl’s been on my mind again.
Last name Portman, first name Natalie;
Cooler than a million Mortal Kombat fatalities,
But I can’t use cheat codes to win.

She rules over my heart again.
Like a sovereign principality.
Ying to my Yang in this duality.
Sieze me like eminent domain.


I saw her on the bus today.
I said “I loved you in The Professional,”
“For a twelve year old, you looked quite well.”

She blasted me with pepper spray.
And I headed over to the confessional

Because Catholic boys go straight to hell.

Example #10 – Shakespearean Sonnet (ABAB CDCD EFEF GG):

When the world comes crashing from above,
I’ll meet my maker, face to face.
He’ll ask me how I lived and loved,
And I’ll reply, “On MySpace.”

I’ll tell Him how I stayed indoors,
Adding friends and searching names.
Taking photographs of liquor stores,
With my tears just out of frame.


“MySpace is no more than spam!” He’ll exclaim.
Brushing the black hairs from my eye.
“In all My creation, I’ve never seen something so lame.”
“I’ll see to it that Tom’s friends all die.”

I understand now, why He was so stern with me.
From now on, I’ll only visit the CDP.

(Fact: He who dies with the most friend requests…still dies.)

Feel free to use as many of these as you want; I’ll leave it up to you if you want to credit theCDP.net or not. I’m just here to help.

WEDNESDAY: LINK PARTY!
FRIDAY: LOST FRIDAY – EPISODE 2.

Lost Friday – "A Tale Of Two Cities."

This is what happens when you vote Republican.
Season 3 – Episode 1: “A Tale Of Two Cities.

Lost Friday is upon us; we have much to discuss. Welcome back, kids.

You know, with all of the Lost rip-offs and second rate ‘paranormal dramas’ we’ve been force-fed so far this season (and last), it’s nice to be reminded of what started the trend in the first place. After seeing just the first three minutes of the Lost Season Premiere, I was convinced that I was watching the greatest television drama of all-time. No fooling.

In fact, this show is so good, I needed to invent a brand new adjective just to describe it. ‘Snabtabular.’ Feel free to use that one; I know that you’re going to anyways.

The Twilight Zone was brilliant and groundbreaking, but never went deeper than 30 minutes with an idea. The Prisoner and The Fugitive allowed us to follow along with the protagonist and solve the bizarre mystery for ourselves, but the former ran out of ideas and the latter stopped too early. With Lost, you keep waiting for them to lose the plot and fall flat on their faces, but they continue to hit you with something both unexpected and un-insulting to your intelligence. Considering that 15 million viewers are continuing to have their theories destroyed and their expectations exceeded, that’s nothing short of a Hurculean feat. It has to be hard to keep a step ahead of nerds like us.

Don't bother throwing him a preserver.
(Matthew Fox finally drowns in his own ego.)

A few minutes after the episode was over, I wrung the whiz out of my pants, puked, and went online. It was then that I saw what happens when 800,000 people try to edit a Wikipedia page at the same time. Way to go, you damn kids; you’ve destroyed the World’s only Free Encyclopedia. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Eventually, it all smoothed out into The Skinny you see before you. And away we go:

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Come for the view, stay for the eggs.
(Ben’s restaurant had great food, but the parking was terrible.)

The episode begins with people in a book club, in Juliet’s house, who is the host. She is prepping for the party. She first puts on some music (specifically, “Downtown” by Petula Clark) and looks at the mirror. She seems to be flustered by trying to keep her composure. The oven timer starts going off and she notices the oven is filled with smoke. Her muffins are burnt! She rushes over, takes them out, and burns her hand in the process. The doorbell rings, there is a woman at the door. Outside, there is a man working on the plumbing (Ethan). The two women go inside. The book being discussed is Carrie by Stephen King. One of the members of the book club, Adam, complains about Juliet’s choice of this book and remarks that Ben wouldn’t read it even in the bathroom.

What's Adam Sandler like?
(“I just wanted to say that you were great in Happy Gilmore.”)

A rumbling appears to be an earthquake (judging by the calm manner in which the party acts, this kind of shaking may be rather common) – after it ends, they run outside, where the house seems to be in a cul-de-sac community. They see the Flight 815 plane break up. Henry Gale (actually named Ben) tells Ethan Rom and Goodwin to go to both of the crash sites and act as survivors, and give him a list in three days. The camera pulls back to fully reveal that this community of houses is in a clearing amidst the jungle on the island.

Kate wakes up in a bathroom. Tom is there and tells Kate to take a hot shower. She says she won’t while he’s there, but Tom only laughs and tells her she’s not his type. He leaves, and she takes a shower. When she emerges, Tom has taken her clothes and has left her a dress instead. She changes into it, reluctantly.


Dress purty, Kate Austen.
(She looks pretty sexy… you know, for a Canadian.)

Tom and two Others bring her to a beach, where “Henry” is waiting at a covered table with chairs, freshly cooked food, utensils, and coffee, with a pair of handcuffs on the side. He compels her to handcuff herself, and when she asks why he’s doing all this, “Henry” responds that he gave her a dress to make her feel feminine, fresh food to make her feel at home, allow her a view of the beach because her friends are seeing the same beach, and utensils to make her feel civilized. He tells Kate that the next two weeks will be most unpleasant.

Jack wakes up in a holding cell. He sees an open door, but when he walks towards it, he learns there is a thick glass wall blocking his way. He begins struggling with some chains hanging from the ceiling when Juliet walks into the room on the other side of the glass. She tells him that she wants to give him food, but he must move away from the door. Jack refuses to cooperate with her and continues to yank on the chain. After a number of exchanges, Jack is seemingly convinced that he needs to eat.


What's the deal with airplane food?
(Jack’s rendition of ‘Over The Rainbow’ blew away the judges at the Prison Talent Show.)

When Juliet enters with the food, he attacks her and drags her out into the hallway. Henry is waiting and tells him that Juliet cannot open the nearby door, or it will kill all of them. Jack throws her away, and Henry runs out of another door, closing it on Juliet. Jack opens the first door, which pours water into the hallway. Then he and Juliet manage to close the door, but when Jack turns, Juliet knocks him out.

Meanwhile, Sawyer awakes in an outdoors cell with a strange contraption inside. He tries to figure it out, but another prisoner in the cell opposite his tells him not to. He continues, and is shocked by electricity. The other prisoner then picks his lock and picks Sawyer’s and tells him to run the opposite way. He does, but Juliet finds him and shocks him. Sawyer is returned to his cell, and the other prisoner, Karl, is forced to apologize for asking him to help with his escape.

Sawyer soon figures out the ‘gizmo.’ Water falls into the trough, kibble falls on the ground, as does a large fish biscuit(With the word DHARMA on it). Tom tells him that the bears figured it out in two hours, implying the cells are where the polar bears once were held.

Kids, don't beat your wife.
(Shortly after stealing a pack of Marlboros, Sawyer finds himself featured on the ‘Tazed & Confused’ episode of Cops.)

Throughout Jack’s story, he has flashbacks to the process of his divorce from Sarah. He becomes obsessed with discovering whom she is having an affair with, following her and researching her cell phone records. He begins to suspect that her lover is his father Christian, who pleads with Jack to “let it go.” Jack ends up assaulting his father at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, driving Christian back to the bottle and landing Jack in jail. Sarah bails him out, imploring Jack to leave her alone.

Later in the episode, Juliet returns and reveals she knows much about Jack, who is back in the cell. She tells him how she has his father’s autopsy report, his divorce record, information on his friends and family, etc. Jack only wants to know if his ex-wife is happy, and Juliet says she is. She also tells him he is being held in an aquarium tank in the Hydra, another DHARMA station, which is underwater. Jack agrees to Juliet bringing him food, so Juliet steps into the hallway, where Henry is standing, waiting. He tells her she has done a good job, and she says, “Thanks, Ben,” revealing “Henry”‘s real name.

Damn it!
(“I’m so sick of Internet nerds making fun of my screencaps! WAAAAALLLT!”)

There you have it. Considering how the episode was shot and how fans were forced to once again try to understand a new DHARMA location, I thought the writers and directors did a masterful job of keeping it all understandable. Then again, I might just be smarter than you. Numbers, please!

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4 – Be honest with me, now. Did you or did you not have a complete, homo-gay freak out at the way this episode started? This is the 4th time we’ve reset the clock, so to speak, in regards to the crash of Flight 815. They way they alluded to the Season Two Premiere was also brilliant; “Downtown” is this year’s “Make Your Own Kind Of Music.”

Twilight Zone much?
(“I can’t believe we forgot to bring the volleyball net.”)

During the ‘book club’ scene, when the house started to rumble, I thought they were making the connection that this was taking place somewhere on the earth when the Swan Hatch up and imploded. I thought they were making the connection that the implosion was such that the civilized world could feel it. I thought wrong. Once I saw Ethan and Fake Henry walking around, I knew something was seriously wrong. Then I blacked out and my wife had to tell me how the rest of the show went.

Oh, speaking of wives, Ben and Juliet were obviously married at some point. The conversations and clues at the beginning, as well as their their attitude towards each other throughout the episode point to that (watch the opening scene again, this time knowing that Fake Henry is actually Ben).

Ben is also quite powerful; he runs the community like a cult leader and gets people to make scrambled eggs for him. He is, however, not as powerful as Richard Simmons, who actually gets paid to tell people when they can eat. That’s the sort of power I’m looking for.

I'm not Penny, jerk.
(“I know, I know. I thought I was Penny Widmore, too.”)

8 – I want to clear this up, just in case there are people out there that were as confused as I was. Juliet is NOT Penny Widmore. The two actresses that play these parts look almost identical, which threw a huge monkey wrench into this episode. For like, 30 minutes, I was wondering how Penny Widmore could possibly be on the island, when we (assumingly) saw her off of the island in the Season Two Finale. Eventually, I just realized that I was a dumbass and not paying close enough attention.

Note to the Lost Casting Crew: Don’t hire women that look alike. It confuses me and makes me sad.

15 – The Others took blood from Jack, Kate and Sawyer. They really tried to hammer that point home, so you know it’s going to become important. Something tells me that they’re going to be conducting the same ‘tests’ on these three that they were doing on Walt during Season Two.

Don't tell me he doesn't look like Gene Wilder.
(A young Gene Wilder makes his cameo appearance on the island.)

16 – Jack had a great set of flashbacks this week. I think he’s had at least 5 flashback episodes at this point, but there’s still plenty more to discover about Jack’s backstory. Most TV shows could make 4 seasons out of that story alone, mind you. The interaction and eventual breakdown between Jack, his wife and father was actually more emotionally deep than I thought it would be.

Tackling his old man through the 12-Step Program sign? Priceless.

It hurts!
(Here, we see Christian Shepard having nine simultaneous heartattacks.)

23 – So…the Hydra Station, huh? The ‘underwater’ station, ‘eh? We got to finally see it.

Sweet.

This episode also lent to the theory that the Dharma Initiative is in ruins, and a new group of researchers are continuing the work that crumbled in the 80’s. These people must know that bringing back things that were popular in the 80’s is what’s hip in the States nowadays. Expect to see a Mr. T cameo during Sweeps.

Wasn't this on the Flintstones?
(Insert stupid ‘Fast food drive-thru joke here.)

42 – When Sawyer finally figured out how to get food out of his kennel, I got a huge laugh out of the fanfare and piped-in music that played. That’s just sick, and also brilliantly funny.

A lot of people thought this episode was too complicated; I actually think it was one of the more cut-and-dry episodes they’ve ever done. It’s good thing, too, because it’s just what we needed to start Season Three.

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4 – The title of Episode 2 is “The Glass Ballerina.” It’s about a glass ballerina.

Nevermind.
(I have no less than 20 jokes for this photo, none of which are suitable for print.)

8 – This episode will be Jin/Sun-centric. I think this is the episode where Sun finally leaves Jin for me.

15 – The official press release from ABC reads: “Sayid’s plan to locate Jack places Sun and Jin’s lives in grave danger. Meanwhile, Kate and Sawyer are forced to work in harsh conditions by their captors, and Henry makes a very tempting offer to Jack that may prove difficult to refuse.”

No word yet on what the Others have in store for Kate and Sawyer, but something tells me it has something to do with modeling for a Spiegel catalog. It’s the only thing they’re halfway decent at.

Have to talked to an Iraqi lately?
(“Look, if I don’t get to torture someone in the next five minutes, I’m gunna scream.”)

16 – Because the castaways are broken up into four different places at the start of this season (prison, the imploded hatch, the beach and Desmond’s sailboat) we’re going to get episodes from each location’s point of view. The writers want to keep the Locke/Eko/Desmond/Hatch situation a secret for at least one more episode, so we’re getting this episode as a nice buffer.

23 – The word around the campfire is that Sun is still keeping a big secret from Jin, probably concerning the baby. Wow, never saw that one coming.

42 – In the previews, you’ll see that ‘Ben’ is pretty upset that Sayid has procured a boat; probably because of how Ben spilled the beans about the way to properly escape from the island. Sayid and Jin take turns beating the crap out of random things just for the hell of it. Sun smiles and says “Boat!” twenty-six times.

They'll have ugly kids. I promise.
(They’re going to have the ugliest kids.)

Thanks for checking out this week’s snabtabular Lost Friday. If you have any questions, sound off in the comments section or send an e-mail to communistdance@yahoo.com. If you would like to buy some CDP swag or make a donation, please check out the links at the top of the page or within this post. For all other Lost-related information, direct your browsers to The Coconut Internet; they’re good people who run an exceptional page. Cheers.

MONDAY: FREE MYSPACE POETRY!

Casual September.

Madison, Wisconsin; Home Of The CDP. Sort of.

What did you do during September? Here’s what I was up to.

1. I moved.

Living Room - Angle 1.

It’s done. The Official World Headquarters of the CDP are up, running and fully operational. I have to say, thanks to a solid work ethic and proper planning (by me), the transition was about as smooth as I could have hoped for. We simply set fire to the old place and let our insurance company take care of the rest. I was getting sick of the cats anyways.

Living Room - Angle 2.

The movers were top-notch, meth-free and stole nothing of significant value. The cable guys were in and out of my house before I could even get their names and waist measurements. We also bought a nice, new bed without any haggling or bankruptcy hearings whatsoever. I’ve set my drums up in the basement, and plan on reuniting myself with the age-old concept of rocking one’s face off as soon as possible.

Silencers optional.

Two-car garage? Check. Full basement? Check. Central air and an extra bedroom? Check and mate. I’m officially a suburbanite, and would like to hereby be addressed as one from this point forward.

Get the hell off my lawn, you damn punk kids.

2. I grew a devastating chinstrap.

Baseball & Chinstraps.

The Missus is anti-beard (therefore, anti-awesome), so I couldn’t go all-out Hobotron during my time away from work. I did, however, ease her into the inevitable transition by donning the facial hair choice of dumb jocks and Smash Mouth lead singers everywhere, the Chinstrap.

A closer and sexier view.

I have to tell you, I was pretty happy with this and the Missus didn’t vomit with disgust, so I might be on to something here. She now realizes that when I do decide to grow a full beard, the Color Ratio and Bum Factor will be to her liking. All my wife really wants is to know what’s going to happen before it actually happens.

As you can imagine, it was a pretty big day for me. By the way, I’m not really that white.

3. I went to a Brewers game.

Miller Park - Angle 1.

Although I spent the majority of my time off moving and adjusting to said move, I was able to get out of the house a few times to enjoy my freedom. I received a call from my folks, letting me know that my uncle was giving up three Brewers tickets to whoever wanted them (thanks again, Jeff). Never being one to turn down free tickets to anything (cockfight, stock footage film festival), I was in.

Miller Park - Angle 2.

Miller Park is a beautiful and modern stadium, one of the best in the nation, I’ve been told. Even the Missus had a good time, which was a monumental occurance in the grand timeline of Sports History. This was due in part to the famous ‘Sausage Race,’ in which mascots dressed as various Wisconsin sausages race around the field during the Seventh Inning Stretch. She looked like a child on Christmas morning; it was beautiful.

Milwaukee won the game, the Polish Sausage won the race and the beer was $6 a bottle. We plan on going back as soon as we can.

4. I went to a Packers game.

If you lived here, you'd be me by now.
(I didn’t take pictures at the game, so here’s a shot of my street.)

I’ve been lucky enough to attend a Packer game every year for the last four years, thanks to my father-in-law’s generosity and patience. This one was probably the most special, regardless of the fact they got their worst ass-plastering in over 15 years.

This was the first game of the season, against the Chicago Bears. The festivities started with a fly-over from the Blue Angels (the biggest waste of taxpayer money ever), which was both neat and temporarily deafening. Also, to celebrate the 10th anniversary of the last Green Bay Super Bowl win (it was that long ago?), the 1996-97 team came out onto the field. I wasn’t able to see the Super Bowl team play in person that season, so to see them all on the field together was amazing.

Representing Reggie White was his wife and son, who then retired his number in the stadium. I’m not the least bit ashamed to admit that I was fighting back emotions at the time. Say what you want about professional sports and athletes in general, but these guys have made millions of fans jump, cheer, smile and cry, which is far more that I can say about myself.

Then my father-in-law called me a “queer” and told me to “compose myself” before he “threw up into his nine-dollar bag of peanuts.”

I had a great time.

5. I scared the hell out of a teenage boy.

STAY OFF MY LAWN!

Our new apartment isn’t really an apartment as much as it is a condo that we pay rent on. The yard, driveway and everything else belongs to us, but we pay Mexicans to fix things when they break and whatnot. I was looking forward to this harmonic balance of maturity and co-dependence. I sometimes break appliances just so the maintainence guy has to come over and look at it. I have an ever-growing pile of dead guys in blue jumpsuits in my basement.

When the former tenant moved out, all of the neighborhood teenage boys took notice, and thought they had found a nice, big, empty driveway in which to skateboard and bike in. This was true for the three days that the house was empty, but their escapades continued well into the first week of our tenure there.

I have no problem with good-natured kids ‘gettin they skate awn.’ There isn’t a skate park in the neighborhood, despite having one of the thickest concentrations on teenagers in the state of Wisconsin. The problem was that they thought the place was empty, so they were riding their bikes in the lawn and jumping over our hedges and whatnot. If the lawn or shrubbery gets damaged at the hands of these kids, I have to pay for it.

Uh-uh. No way, Sk8er Boi.

The confrontation finally came late one night during the end of the first week. I caught one of the kids screwing around in the driveway again, this time, by my car (the Wild Stallion). I turned on the porch light and emerged, wearing all black and looking positively pissed off. I had spent all day moving, so my hair was a mess and my hands were all cut up. I stood illuminated under the porch light on my stoop, which is about three feet off of the ground. I probably looked pretty spooky to this kid, like some God of serial killer suburbanites.

I should have been holding a hammer; it would have been a nice touch.

His skateboard stopped dead. I’ve never stopped anyone dead with a look before. Everything got real quiet as he looked up at me, realizing that yes, people actually lived here. People that were young and angry and had no problem murdering people that got in between them and their quest for peace, quiet and well-maintained shrubbery.

“What are you doing?” I asked, trying very hard to appear insane and not blink. I have a childish and unintimidating body, so I can’t rely on my figure to scare children. If I were naked, well…that would be a different story. Nope, I have to rely on my acting skills, appearing as if I’m a nanosecond away from lopping someone’s head off at the base of the neck.

“Um…you live here?” He sqeaked back, silently wetting his pants. “I didn’t know, because…”

Now you know.” I shot back. He turned tail and disappeared into the moonlight.

I felt pretty good about myself, although the experience has left me feeling quite old. Just a few years ago, that would have been me out there, blaring horrible music and impressing female passerby. Nowadays, if you so much as think about setting foot on my lawn again, I’ll drag you into the house and do things that will make your parents cry forever.

6. I scratched my cornea.

Not My Eyeball; Hi Lindsay!

Somewhere in the midst of loading and unloading every stupid thing that I own, I got a shard of wood caught in my eye.

Yep, I was just as shocked as you are.

Not being used to getting things stuck (and staying stuck) in my eye, I worked feverishly to extract the foreign intruder. I washed, rinsed, gouged, scraped and tore at my cornea for somewhere north of two hours before falling asleep late one night. The next morning, my right eye looked as if I had shot a thick stream of DDT straight into it. I was getting nervous.

The foreign object had been removed naturally during the night, but I still felt irritation, so I thought that it was merely hiding from me. After another hour of amateur optometric surgery, the Missus informed me that I had scratched my cornea, and I should stop touching it before I went blind and she divorced me.

She’s a smart lady. Everything went back to normal in a few days.

7. I pulled my groin for the 4th damn time.

Dramatic Re-enactment.

Pulling your groin is just awful; I don’t wish it on anyone (except for maybe you). I swore to myself that it wasn’t going to happen to me this time around, regardless of how many boxes and heavy things I loaded into my car. I made sure to properly squat and stretch before lifting; I used correct form and posture, and jacked myself up with metric tons of anabolic steroids.

Yet, no less than three days into the process, my inner thigh rolled up like a windowshade and sent me reeling to the floor, leaving me for the buzzards to pick clean. It was only a slight pull this time, so I healed quickly. It doesn’t make it any less awful, though.

However, if you’re interested in massaging my pulled groin with ancient oils and aloe butter, send an e-mail to communistdance@yahoo.com, and I will answer them in the order of their delivery. Include a photo.

8. I saw my new nephew again.

Evan - Best Baby Ever.

My Mom is a borderline agoraphopic. If it’s outside of the warm confines of her small town, then she’s not interested. Trying to get her to visit us in the big city is like pulling teeth; I’m lucky if I can get her down here once a year and tap her for cash. This was one of those times.

My Mom, sister and new nephew came down last weekend to check out the new place and do some shopping. The baby is doing great, and my sister has really stepped into her Motherly role quite nicely. I was so proud of this that I bought her the concert tickets she had been obsessing about for months. I was happy, she was happy; we were all happy.

Then I got drunk and took a swing at the baby. We haven’t spoken since.

9. I went for a walk in the Autumn weather.

Aaron's gunna sue for copyright violations.

To long-time readers of the CDP, it’s no surprise that October is my absolute favorite time of the year. A Wisconsin Autumn is something to behold; nothing but beauty, photo opportunities and hooded sweatshirts as far as the eye can see. Not only that, but it all culminates with my favorite holiday of all-time, Halloween.

Oh yes, it’s a holiday. The Queen Mother of All Holidays, to be exact.

I’m hoping that we’ll get some trick-or-treaters this year, considering that now we have a door and everything. I had some ideas for decorating the front lawn, but I didn’t want my neighbors holding an emergency meeting to ban us from the community. We saw a bunch of fake blood for sale at the Halloween Superstore, and thought it would be funny to simply stand on the lawn during trick-or-treat hours and take turns murdering one another in a gruesome fashion.

Cold enough for you?

I’m listening to different music. Autumn music. I’m wearing a jacket outside. A light jacket. I’m watching all of my Pete & Pete DVD’s. Please enjoy October, or else you just might be a jerk.

10. I took a picture of my cat in mid-sneeze.

Tinker - Mid-Sneeze.

Sweet. This is what makes life worth living.

It’s good to be back. Sound off in the comments section and let me know what you were up to last month. Tell me that you missed me, and make me promise I’ll never leave you again.

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Lost Friday - You're Invited!