See The CDP On The TV!

All Rights Reserved, All Wrongs Reversed.

The CDP recently attended a taping of two WWE programs. On both of said programs, the CDP will be splashed across televisions nationwide on multiple occasions. Here’s when and where you can see me:

Tuesday: 9-10pm Central Time – The SciFi Channel – ECW

This show isn’t all that great, but be sure to watch the first 2 minutes, as I (and my giant CDP sign) get camera attention during the opening.

Friday: 7-9pm Central Time – The CW Network – Friday Night Smackdown!

This is the big one. Because of my (and the Missus’) seats, we are pretty much on camera all damn night. You’ll be able to see the white and red CDP sign at the top of your screen for the duration of the show. There weren’t many signs at the Bradley Center that night, so you’ll be able to see me for sure. The Missus was very happy because Paul London, apparently the sexiest man in the known galaxy, pointed at her sign.

You know, she seemed so understandable when I married her. Now…not so sure.

Am I forcing you to watch two sub-par wrestling shows for a chance to catch a brief glimpse of me? Yup, sure am. If you do decide to watch and you do see me, drop a line in the comments section and let me know.

Enjoy Halloween. Remember, nothing beats the look on a child’s face when they take a big bite out of a caramel-covered onion.

Lost Friday – "Every Man For Himself."

Lost Friday - Every Man For Himself.
Season 3 – Episode 4: “Every Man For Himself.

Another Lost Friday is upon us; we have much to discuss.

You know, there were so many things to talk about this week, I didn’t really know the best way to cover them all. Then (because I’m embarrassingly intelligent and good-looking), I decided on an “All-Numbers” edition of Lost Friday. That allows me to get to the bottom of every last angstrom of this episode, while still maintaining the easy-to-swallow format you’ve grown to know and love at the CDP.


Damn, I'm smooth.
(Desmond peers two weeks into the future to see how awesome his beard’s gunna look.)

12 Reasons Why This Episode Was Better Than You:

1. Jack was being forced to watch cartoons in his cell. I’d be doing that willingly, preferably the old Warner Brothers’ stuff. In fact, the parallels between DHARMA and ACME are far too plentiful to ignore. If I see a huge trampoline or rocket skates just once this season, I’m calling a copyright lawyer.

2. We got to hear Sawyer’s rousing Bear Cage Fanfare again. I simply can’t get enough of that; the idea that polar bears would care the smallest bit about a Sousa number is hilarious to me.

That all you got, Costanza?
(At this point, Sawyer is barely being held together with tin foil and pieces of string.)

3. Ben was going all Rodney King on Sawyer’s ass with a collapsible baton. I’m certain that nobody’s been beat up more that Sawyer on this show. He’s been shot, tortured multiple times and punched in the face more than Vinny Pazienza (or Tina Turner, if you prefer).

4. We saw a beautiful homage to my favorite movie of all-time, Pulp Fiction. Watch it again this weekend, it’s still good. Sure, John Travolta has since joined the Church of Scientology and become nuttier than an outhouse rat, but surely we can put that aside for… nah, screw it. He ruined everything.

Where's Vincent Vega when you need him?
(Does DHARMA have working defribulators? Nope. A Pain Stick? Sure!)

5. For about 55 minutes, we were under the impression that Ben made an albino rabbit’s heart explode. If you can think of another time this has happened on TV, let me know, because you’d either be lying, or have the “Shaking Rabbits To Death” channel on your satellite dish. In each case, I’d like to have a word with you. I can bring nachos.

6. Dead rabbits aside, we began to approach Saw territory when we’re led to believe that Sawyer has a pacemaker inside of him and must keep his heart rate below 140. Just his luck, this also happens to be the day that Kate gets naked in front of him. Man, if I had a nickel for every time this has happened to me, I’d be eating Nickel Soup.

Oh, Canada.
(“What was that noise? It sounded like Sawyer’s heart exploding.”)

7. So yeah, Kate got naked in front of Sawyer. I was in the kitchen at the time, fixing myself a plate of cheese and crackers, so I sort of missed it. This is why I shouldn’t walk around during Lost, and this is also why the Internet was invented.

8. Colleen died, which is a good thing. I’m was a little let down, however, that Jack didn’t start hammering her in the chest, screaming “Come on!” until she was revived. It’s worked at least two other times for him, so why not go for the hat trick?

I wasn't supposed to take that out, was I?
(Having only operated on marine life, Juliet instinctively starts pulling out all of the eggs.)

9. Keeping with the spirit of Sawyer getting the living piss beaten out of him, Pickett (Chinatown) whaled on our con-artist friend until Kate intervened. I felt sympathetic for Pickett, but I also felt bad for Jack, who was cuffed to Colleen’s corpse for nearly an hour.

10. Sawyer got conned by Ben, as they are actually on a second island with no escape. This flies in the face of common sense and logic, but I’m going to roll with it because we got to see the bunny again.

We're putting in a Hobby Lobby.
(“We’re turning that entire island into a Gift Shop.”)

11. Desmond probably saved the lives of Aaron, Charlie and that whiny Aussie because of his newfound future-predicting skills. Good for him!

12. In the flashbacks, we learned that Sawyer used to be a con man. He was!? The flashbacks this week existed mainly to show Sawyer’s soft side, and that he’s really good at conning people.

Got any Crisco?
(Kate gets her head stuck between the bars again.)

10 Things That Are Sort Of Important:

1. Jack is starting to play Juliet against Ben, much like Ben did the same to Jack and Locke. Only in this set of circumstances, it won’t end with Ana Lucia and Libby getting killed. However, I wish they could bring those two back just to kill them again. In fact, Ana and Libby should be murdered every episode.

2. When Colleen returned wounded, Ben says “The sub is back!” This is very important, as it explains how the Others are getting from island to island (without getting wet). Also, this adds to the theory that the two islands are connected underwater. Or maybe, just maybe, there’s a Cousins Subs on the island that we’re not aware of.

No, they have a freaking submarine. Unreal.

Where's the Torture Channel?
(“Ahhh, I finally found the “All Torture Channel.””)

3. Tom was mentioning that since “the sky turned purple,” their communications have been down and they don’t seem to know what’s wrong. This adds to the assumption that the Others don’t exactly know everything about the DHARMA experiments. They, in fact, might be subjects as well. Or, they might be dolphins, I don’t know anymore.

4. Judging by how unprepared they were for Colleen’s death, it appears that the Others don’t have much training in the field of medicine. It seems true that they’re not murderers, but that doesn’t seem to stop them from being massive assholes. Perhaps Ethan was their doctor, and he had to go and get capped by Charlie in Season One. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to send the only doctor on the island into an infiltration mission. I doubt this was the case.

Well, there's your problem.
(An island full of electromagnetic energy and just ONE guy gets a tumor?)

5. My theory is that Jack will be made a deal to leave the island if he saves whomever has the tumor in his back (probably Ben). He will then either join the Others, or leave the island. Then, he will have time for the Party Of Five reunion I’ve been writing the FOX network about.

6. There are two different islands. Did anyone predict that? I know a lot of people are calling foul, because in the Season 3 premiere, we saw the plane crash on the same island where the Others lived. That’s all fine and good, but who says the Hydra station is on said island?

Why isn’t it possible that the Others neighborhood and the Hydra station are on different islands, and they’re shuttling back and forth, putting on costumes, designing false structures…man, this is getting a bit ridiculous.

Take that, young Gene Wilder!

7. In the conversation between Jack and Juliet, the writers gave us a callback to the Pilot episode, where Jack is asking Kate to stitch him up. That ruled.

8. Because the Nikki and Paulo scene got cut from last week’s episode, the general audience has no idea who that jerk was that was giving Desmond a hard time on the beach. I don’t know how many episodes they already have filmed, but they should do their best to establish who those 2 are, if they want the audience to care about them in the least.

You're lucky my chick's not here.
(“As a new character, I envision a long and happy life here on the island.”)

9. No, we still don’t know why Desmond can sense the future.

10. Yes, Claire still annoys the hell outta me.

4 Things About The Next Episode (HUGE SPOILERS AHOY!):

Yaarrrggh! Tis a Dharma Pirate!
(Well, that explains the glass eye in the Arrow station. Just sayin’ is all.)

1. The episode is called “The Cost Of Living.”

2. It will be Eko-centric.

3. The official press release from ABC reads: “A delirious Eko wrestles with demons from his past, while Locke and some of the other castaways head back to The Pearl — one of the Dharma Initiative’s island stations — hoping to find a computer that they can use to locate Jack, Kate and Sawyer. Meanwhile, Jack doesn’t know whom to trust when two of “The Others” seem at odds with one another.”

See you in hell, Eko.
(“What? I just bought a house here!”)

4. Okay. Listen to me, and listen closely. Someone’s going to die this week. A major character, too. Seriously.

I’ll tell you who it is, but I want to give everyone who doesn’t want to know ample time to get the hell out of here.

I’ll wait.

Okay, as amazed as I am to say it, it appears that next week will mark the swan song for Mr. Eko. This truly bums me out, but I’ll be interested to see how they close the book on one of my favorite characters. Besides Bernard, there’s pretty much no relevant tailies left on the island.

Are you sure?
(“Dude, when you’re done with the lightning rod, can I eat it?”)

1 Final Question:

The way I write Lost Friday, coupled with my formatting and structure, fits perfectly within the bounds of an audio podcast. If I were to turn Lost Friday into a podcast, would you be interested in listening to it? Just curious.

Well, there you go. Another Lost Friday in the books. Sound off in the comments section with questions and praise, or e-mail me at if you want the personal touch. In the meantime, check out The Coconut Internet, they’ve been good to me, and they’ll be good to you, too.

Hump Day Top 10.

Morbidly Overbese.

1. You know, there comes a time in every child’s life when he has to wear a humiliating costume in front of 1000 classmates. For me, this time came in the mid-80’s. Please enjoy one of the worst days ever, with…

October 13, 2005 – “It’s My Costume.”

2. Make sure you check out Weird Al’s MySpace Page. “Don’t Download This Song” made me laugh far harder than it should have, and the first 20 seconds of “You’re Pitiful” killed me (I always thought the beginning sounded strange, now I have validation from the Master). You can also find the music video for “White & Nerdy” on GooTube, which is well worth your time.

3. After taking a 2-year hiatus when the completion of 72 Hours was through, yours truly will begin work on a brand-spanking-new screenplay before the end of the year. This newfound inspiration came at the hands of a one Mr. Benjamin, who’s utterly insane purchase of a $5000 digital camera sparked my creative juices. Just like I did in 2004, I’ve made him a promise to deliver a shootable screenplay, and I never let down my friends. I just hope that this time I can come up with something that isn’t ripped off by a major television network. Wish me luck.

4. Helpful hint from the CDP: If you submerge your computer modem in Coca-Cola and let it soak overnight, it will run zero times faster than if you had just left it alone in the first place, jerk.

5. Coming up next month on the CDP, the countdown to Sweeps Month begins, with gems like “The Worst Album Covers Of All Time – Part Deux” and the Autumn finale of Lost Friday. If you’re new to the page in recent months, I’ll remind you that Sweeps Month is a time out of the year where we strive to get as many hits as possible to the CDP. This is when we bust out all of the year-end lists, publicity stunts and 2006 recaps. This year, Sweeps Month will be in December, as it simply makes more sense that way. I’m telling you now so you don’t forget.

Buy some merch.

6. At my office, we’re in the midst of the “Partners In Giving” campaign, where all state agencies try to raise as much money as possible for charity. As you know, the CDP has done its part, donating at least $100 a year to various charities of importance (again, if there’s a charity you feel strongly about, pitch it to the CDP; we’re still deciding).

I was a co-chairman on the “Partners In Giving” committee last year, and one of my money-making proposals was a legitimate street fight between me and the head Chairman. I figured that if 100 people in the agency paid $10 to see it, we’d be assured a cool grand.

Imagine my surprise when I wasn’t elected on the committee this year. It’s their loss.

7. Speaking of the office, my fellow co-workers had a funeral for one of the industrial printers in our building. “Brutus” was an HP laser-printer that had been with the department longer than I have. The day that Brutus was scheduled to be carted away and replaced with a smaller and faster model, we gathered around him and said a few words.

I wrote a haiku, which was then scotch-taped to the side of the machine. It read:

You destroyed copies
And made our jobs difficult.
I’ll miss you, Brutus.

Minutes later, a pre-typed message came shooting out of Brutus, wishing us all well and reassuring us that he was going to a better place. Cake was served.

I work in a weird-ass office.

8. This weekend, Mr. Benjamin and Mrs. Sherry are making the journey to CDP Headquarters for a lively bout of pumpkin slingshotting and corn maze navigating. If you remember from last year, this was a pretty big day for all of us.

9. Heroes and Studio 60 are the best new shows on TV right now. Tuesday’s episode of Studio 60 was of the most intelligent and captivating things I’ve seen on television all year (which means it’s bound to be cancelled). If you can find a way to catch up and get on board, it would be in your best interest to do so.

10. Lists that have 10 items instead of 9 seem more important in the eyes of a casual passerby.

See you on Lost Friday. Tally-Ho!

An Inch Of October Snow.

Take Another Little Piece Of My Heart.

This past weekend destroyed me. I got home at 4am on Saturday night (Sunday morning), which will take days to even out, sleep-schedule-wise. I’m simply getting too old for my playboy lifestyle.

That all being said, I’m taking today off. Hell, I might even take tomorrow off. Sound off in the comments section and tell me aboot your weekend. And Erin, if you’re reading this, e-mail those photos to me, post-haste (I promise not to publish them).


Lost Friday – "Further Instructions."

Further Instructions.
Season 3 – Episode 3: “Further Instructions.”

Another Lost Friday is upon us; we have much to discuss. For example, my urine has turned a shade of neon green.

Let me back up for a second.

I’m taking a new multivitamin that’s supposed to rid my body of various toxins, along with whatever horrible things I expect it to digest and convert into waste matter. The side effect has been bright green urine, arriving about 10 times a day. If anyone out there wants to fancy a guess as to what’s going on with me, I’d be glad to hear about it in the comments section. It’s starting to bother me, as you would assume.

Now we can move on.

Well, we got our first Locke episode of the season. Finally, we got the answers to some of the more biting questions like…wait a minute… we got nothing! What did I just watch? An infomercial for the Juice Tiger could have gotten me more answers than “Further Instructions.

Okay, so we got to see how the beach was doing after the capture/implosion, and we got to (sort of) find out the fates of Locke, Eko and Desmond, but the reassurance was far from rewarding. Throw a CGI-polar bear and a greenhouse full of weed into the mix, and you’ve got something far from what’s expected of this show. I’m not complaining (I am), I’m just wondering if the writers know that viewers are losing faith in the product.

The Skinny will make me feel all better.


Life Is Good.
(“I’ve got a truck full of guns and a greenhouse full of weed…life is good.”)

The episode opens with a shot of Locke’s eye, and then a shot of the jungle (in a manner very reminiscent of Pilot, part 1). He sees Desmond running naked through the jungle, and is nearly hit on the head by Eko’s stick when it falls from the sky. Locke gets up and returns to camp.

For the time being, he is mute and communicates with Charlie using a pad and pen. Locke creates a hallucinogen and has a vision in a sweat lodge he just constructed. In the vision, Boone appears as his guide. At the end of the vision, Boone tells Locke that he has to “clean up his own mess.” After the vision, Locke is able to speak.

Charlie Mullet.
(“Look Charlie, British or not, I’m cutting off that mullet.”)

Locke and Charlie go in search of Eko and find that the hatch has imploded; Locke, Eko, and Desmond, however, were apparently blown out of the hatch. Tracking Eko, they find a boar freshly killed by a polar bear and then meet Hurley who is on his way back from the confrontation with The Others. They warn him about the polar bear, and tell him to return to the beach and deliver The Others’ message. Locke and Charlie discover that Eko was dragged into a cave by a polar bear. Locke rescues Eko using hairspray and his torch as a makeshift flamethrower, and he and Charlie take him back to the beach.

Desmond In The Raw.
(“You’ve got to lift it up, brother.”)

While Hurley is wandering back to camp, he comes across a naked Desmond. Hurley gives him a tie-dyed shirt from his backpack and brings him back to camp. Mysteriously, Desmond mentions a speech that Locke will give later on.

The episode ends with Locke giving said speech, telling Claire, Paulo, and Nikki that he is going to find Jack, Kate and Sawyer. Hurley realizes that Desmond might be able to see into the future. Nikki is impatient, and asks Hurley when he was going to tell them that Jack, Kate and Sawyer were taken, even though he just got back to the beach.

Boone Is Dreamy.
(“Hi, I just wanted to pop in and let you know how sexy I am. All right, carry on.”)

The episode’s flashback concerns Locke when he worked and lived on a rural commune. After picking up a work-seeking hitchhiker during a rainstorm, Eddie, Locke brings him to the commune, and tries to integrate him into the community there. Locke feels connected to the commune because of the sense of family and faith it has, something John is desperately lacking.

Eddie soon gains his trust, and Locke is about to tell him what is in the mysterious, guarded commune greenhouse. However, before he can reveal the secret, Locke learns the leaders of the commune have discovered that Eddie is an undercover cop; Eddie has seen massive amounts of fertilizer being unloaded off trucks and brought into the greenhouse. He thinks that they’re planning to use it in a bomb (also implying that they’re a militia), when in fact the greenhouse is filled with marijuana. The leaders are concerned that Eddie is going to blow the whistle on their sticky weed situation.

Locke's Got a Gun.
(“Locke took matters into his own hands after Eddie swindled him out of his second kidney.)

For fear of losing his new family, John takes Eddie hunting, with the idea that he will kill him to “cover up his mess,” a problem John is also dealing with on the island. In the end, John can’t pull the trigger, and Eddie walks away.

Well, there you go. You know what? I take back all the mean things I said about this episode. It was okay. Make with the numbers.


Sun's Got A Gun.
(Gratuitous shot of Sun, who was only on camera for a tenth of a second this week.)

4 – It seems like they cut a few minutes from this episode. The TiVo had it scheduled until 9:03c, yet it was over by 9:00c. I noticed a few things from the promo (Locke talking to his knife; drawing the weird face in the notebook) and a few things from the episode description (Nikki & Paulo having sex in Jack’s tent) were cut. Perhaps they cut a couple minutes at the last second for no reason? Beats me, but things were clearly cut. I’m just sayin’ is all.

Locke Is Thinking. Simmer Down.
(Years too late, Locke comes up with the perfect quote for his Senior yearbook.)

8 – Locke’s flashback ended abruptly. Apparently, we’re supposed to believe that John instantly jumped ship on the granola community when they got busted, got paralyzed and started working at a box company. For as rushed as this episode was, not too much was advanced as far as plot. Furthermore, has there ever been a more betrayed character in television history than John Locke? He’s the Julius Caesar of the 21st Century.

In a parallel to last week’s episode, Eddie tells Locke that he’s not a murderer and wouldn’t shoot him. Only this time around, Eddie was right and didn’t get capped by a bloodthirsty Sun.

Youngest Cop Ever.
(I didn’t know they hired undercover cops directly out of middle school.)

15 – The hitch-hiker was wearing a Geronimo Jackson shirt, which the commune leader immediately recognized. At first, this seemed like a cheap in-joke to me. But once I realized that the hitch-hiker was actually a cop, it was pretty funny to realize that he was wearing the shirt solely so the hippies would accept him as one of their own. Hippies are dumb like that; as long as there’s pot around, they’ll be friends with anybody.

Please Put On Some Pants.
(There’s no caption that could possibly make this photo any funnier.)

16 – Desmond can predict the immediate future now. Good for him! Clearly, something specific happened to each of the 3 people involved in the hatch implosion. Hopefully, we’ll get to the bottom of that soon enough. I saw a theory that perhaps time is screwed up for everyone on the island, so some people are seeing flashbacks and others are seeing flash-forwards. If this is determined to be true, I’ll murder someone.

However, I can’t help but notice that Desmond has a lot more facial hair now than when the hatch imploded; lots more than Eko or Locke. Also remember that whenever The Terminator time-traveled, his clothes wouldn’t make the journey. Food for thought.

23 – Speaking of Desmond, can someone get this guy a pair of pants? We can’t have him walking around in a XXXXL tye-dye for the rest of the season…or can we?

The Pearl Suit.
(He was only captured for a few hours, but Eko managed to eat 29 people during this time.)

42 – There was a skeleton in the polar bear cave that had a DHARMA ‘Pearl Station’ outfit on. This plays into the theory that not only is The DHARMA Initiative out of commission, but something went very wrong at the onset.

Again, forget every negative thing I said about this episode. It contained more questions and mythology of any episode so far this season, and for that I am grateful. It’s preview time.


Every Man For Himself.
(This episode will be rated TV-14 for ‘Excessive Sodomy.’)

– Episode 4 will be titled “Every Man For Himself.”

– It appears to be a Sawyer-centric episode.

– The official press release reads as follows: “Sawyer discovers just how far his captors will go to thwart any plans of escape he and Kate might have, and Jack is called upon to scrub up in order to save the life of one of the Others. Meanwhile, Desmond’s behavior begins to perplex the survivors when he starts construction on an unknown device.”

Every Man For Himself.
(One way or another, the Others are going to get that stool sample from Sawyer.)

– Taken from E! Online: “Sawyer will flashback, and we’ll learn something about his role in this world. Sawyer is going to have a very bad day (as you saw from the promo), and Kate will be mostly clueless as to why. Jack will start to play Julia. Niki will talk to Desmond. (If it doesn’t get cut out.) Henry will have a bizarre reveal to Sawyer that, if true, will change what we know about Lost island.

– Episodes 5 & 6 (before the winter break) will be Eko and Kate-centric, respectively. They both look amazing.

Well, that closes the book on yet another Lost Friday. Sound off in the comments section or send an e-mail to If you feel like giving me money, make a donation or buy some merch by clicking the links at the top of the page. In the meantime, check out The Coconut Internet and tell them the CDP sent you. Have a good weekend.

Trilogy Of The Mediocre.

Trilogy Of The Mediocre.

Here’s 3 quick tidbits for you, thus finally cleaning out the CDP‘s backlog of mediocre posts. Thanks for sticking it out with me; a great Lost Friday arrives tomorrow, better material arrives next week.

Tidbit #1 – “$40 In 14 Days.
(Originally written in mid-September.)

I haven’t been this broke in years.

I work a white-collar job, so I’ve grown accustomed to getting paid every two weeks. This translates to 26 checks a year, depending on when or if I get fired. If you’re like me, you rely on these 2.17 checks per month to handle your bills and living expenses, keeping you out of hock (and your wife’s purse) for another few days. I’ve adjusted my living and bill-paying schedule to work around these two checks per month, and it suits me just fine.

However, because I get paid weekly and not monthly, there are those two times per year in which I get three paychecks in one month. These are what I like to call “free money checks,” or “super terrific happy checks,” and I look forward to them like I do Christmas or a brand new season of Yes, Dear. It’s a chance for me to see what it’s like to have an extra thousand dollars in my wallet to spend completely as I please.

As luck would have it, one of these “super terrific happy checks” fell into my lap in the midst of our move to the new place. This could not have come at a better time, as there were a lot of household things I needed to buy that I wouldn’t normally be able to afford. So I blew that check faster than a drunk on payday, purchasing a new bed, computer desk, bookshelf, barstools, video games, DVD’s, CD’s, escorts, smack, midgets and other various wears that I absolutely needed to survive. I completely obliterated that bonus check, like it wasn’t even there.

In the end, my place looked pretty nice because of it, but it came back to bite me in the rear.

You see, while I was carelessly spending and adjusting to the new Headquarters, the bills started piling up. Because the Post Office was forwarding our mail, they were hanging onto a lot of our mail to send at a later date. On the surface, It looked as if I had no bills to pay. In reality, I was about to receive about a dozen of them at once, and they all needed to be paid NOW!

The day I got my next paycheck, I went out to the mailbox to find over a thousand dollars worth of bills staring back at me. Because of the afformentioned address change, they were all sent to me late, and needed to be paid instantly. I went in the house and wrote many a check, watching my bank balance dwindle out of control. When the dust settled, I was left with $40.

Five minutes after I got paid, I was already down to $40, plus whatever meager scraps I had in my savings account. I had to make this money last two weeks, and God help me if any other bills showed up between now and then.

Granted, I was responsible enough to pay all of my bills in advance, but still, two weeks on fourty dollars? This was simply not going to happen. What about my 4 lunchtime martinis? What about that sushi place I attend on the weekends that lets you eat salads off of naked asian women? What about my secret shadow family?

I was in a lot of trouble.

I knew I was going to have to go into a spending lockdown for the remainder of September, so I decided to maintain a diary to keep me focused. Here then, the results.

Thursday, September 14:
Packed a lunch for work. Already down to 3/4 of a tank of gas. If I have to fill up soon, I’m screwed. Went home instantly after work, didn’t even bother to check mail. Missus went out for dinner with a friend. Laid on floor and watched Hogan Knows Best for three hours.

Friday, September 15:
Packed a lunch for work. Didn’t check gas gauge; too scared. Also due for oil change; will have to wait a few weeks. Went home instantly after work, ate some veggie corndogs, watched Dateline and went to bed by 10.

Saturday, September 16:
Went to Cheese Days festival in Monroe, Wisconsin. The Missus drove and paid for lunch. Sticking to just the essentials, I spend $8.39 on a bottle of Cherry Tart beer from the New Glarus Brewery.

My balance is now $31.61.

Sunday, September 17:
Needing (not wanting) a set of drum kit silencers, I put $60 on the credit card to obtain them. The Missus orders a pizza for dinner, and I purchase WWE Unforgiven on Pay-Per-View for $40. That bill will come later, therefore it does not really exist.

Monday, September 18:
Packed a lunch for work. Went straight home; almost out of gas. Refused to leave the house for the remainder of the evening, despite the Missus’ insistance.

Tuesday, September 19:
Bought a 16″ sub for lunch, go straight home on gas fumes. I’m now down to $23.61.

Wednesday, September 20:
Call in sick. Must use $20 to buy gas. Eat nothing until dinner. I’m now down to $3.61

Thursday, September 21:
Packed a lunch for work. Went straight home, spent nothing.

Friday, September 22:
Packed a lunch for work. Went straight home, spent nothing. I’m dead inside.

Saturday, September 23:
Walked around local stores, looking at things to buy once I get paid. Went home and watched Wrestlemania DVD’s until midnight while the Missus was away. She’s presumably spending time with a guy who has money.

Sunday, September 24:
Watched football and went grocery shopping. The total at the supermarket was $218. The Missus paid for everything and I broke my 3-day fast. Instantly threw up and passed out.

Monday, September 25:
Packed a lunch for work. Went straight home. Thought about all the disappointing and overrated CD’s I wasn’t buying.

Tuesday, September 26:
Packed a lunch for work. Went Straight home; Missus ordered a pizza and didn’t share.

Wednesday, September 27:
Paycheck arrived in mail. Resumed life of excess and folly.

Not only did I survive, I actually had a few bucks left over. It made me realize that I was more than capable of saving my money for things like vacations, student loan payments and returement.

Screw it, I’ve got 14 albums to buy.

Tidbit #2 – “The Electric Green Routine.

Every day, I work harder to better resemble the man that my wife wanted to marry (Johnny Depp). Failing that, I simply try to keep a good routine for myself as to not get stale (read: fat). Here’s an example of what I typically do during the week:

6:00am – Wake up and get ready for work. Shave, brush, wipe, pick and scrub as needed. Repeat.

6:30am – Eat a small breakfast of cereal and toast. Milk, juice or booze is optional. Watch news.

7:00am – Leave for work. Sing loudly and constantly forget to use turn signal. Terrify pedestrians.

7:30am – Arrive at work. Sit in dark; as office doesn’t officially open until 9am. Take first nap of day.

9:00am – Work. Organize paper clips by varying size, shape and taste. Do the same for all pens.

1:00pm – Eat lunch. Fruits, carbs, veggies and pudding are all for the taking. Eat a sub instead.

1:45pm – Continue to work. Re-arrange cubicle for the hundredth time; order new ergonomic stapler.

4:00pm – Leave work. Sing even louder and attempt to pull wheel from column. Succeed and crash.

4:30pm – Get home. Clean lightly, feed the cats and check the mailbox. Throw out any bills and cats.

4:45pm – Exercise. 20 minutes on arms, 20 minutes on abs, 20 minutes on treadmill. Repeat until sexy.

5:45pm – Wife arrives home from work. Jump into shower and change pants. Don’t reverse order.

6:30pm – Eat dinner in front of television. Watch TiVo’ed shows from last week. Converse with Missus.

8:00pm – Freestyle. Usually consisting of leaving house and spending money on something I don’t need.

9:45pm – Wife goes to bed. I continue to watch TV in rumpus room while writing my next awesome post.

11:00pm – Go to bed, feeling dirty, sad and confused over what just transpired. Forget to set alarm.

The exercise portion of the routine was just added after a two year (and 15 pound) absence. The primary goal being that I’d look a lot sexier in t-shirts if my arms were bigger and my gut was smaller. Done. My limbs are hurting right now, but I’m hoping to see results in a few weeks.

Part of this routine has me eating a daily multivitamin that’s roughly the size of a child’s shoe. This multivitamin is causing me, for some reason, to urinate 8 times a day in a strange shade of electric green. However, if that’s the price to pay for larger arms, I’m standing firm, green pee and all.

Tidbit #3 – “Let’s Get Charitable!”

Never let it be said that the CDP doesn’t care about the little people. Not dwarfs, though; they scare the crap outta me. Here’s what I’ve done since the birth of the CDP in 2004:

In 2004, the CDP donated over $100 to Planned Parenthood of Wisconsin.
In 2005, the CDP donated over $150 to HospiceCare National.
In 2006, the CDP will donate at least $100 to a chosen charity. But which one?

I’m not asking you to donate money (any money donated to the CDP goes directly into my pockets, no questions asked, so go up to the sidebar and take care of that, won’t you?), I’m asking you to tell me who to donate to. Give me suggestions in the comments section or e-mail me at Thanks much.

Lost Friday arrives tomorrow. I feel cleansed and ready to tango.

The Final Survey.

Jae Lee gets Own3d.
(Day 3 of ‘All Posts Must Go!’ week continues. Thank you for your patience while I clean out the archives.)

The following survey was in the CDP Inbox last week. Instead of tossing it, like I toss all of my fan mail and 8×10 glossy requests, I filled it out in the hopes of never receiving one again.

Enjoy, I suppose.

Survey: Tell Me Everything!

Full Name – The CDP.
Birthday – February of 1982.
Age – Twenty-Four (far too old for this).
Height – 5’10”.
Weight – 160, pushing for 250.
Hair Color – Blonde; currently dyed ‘Cinnamon Brown.’
Eye Color – A boring shade of Hazel.
Where were you born? – Neenah, Wisconsin.
Do you have siblings? – Yep.
How many? – One.
Their ages? – Nineteen.
Genders? – Female.
Names? – The Sissus.

Your Favorite…

Color – Black; it goes with everything.
Movie – Pulp Fiction.
Book – Johnny Got His Gun, By Dalton Trumbo.
Song – ‘Holiday‘ By Weezer. It changes on a weekly basis, however.
Music Style – Drums, Guitar, Bass and Vocals always does it for me.
Band – No band has done more for rock music than the Beatles. Sorry.
Actor – Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction.
Actress – Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction.
TV Show – Mystery Science Theater 3000 & The Simpsons.
Animal – The Domestic Cat. Preferrably Siamese.
Food – Pasta Alfredo. Don’t skimp on the Alfredo; I’ve got weight to gain.
Director – Christopher Nolan; I’m seeing The Prestige on Friday.
Author – I’m a fan of the Disinformation collective.
Hobby – Writing about my hobbies.
School Subject – Music Production.
Flavor – Flav’.
Day of the week – Sunday.
Store – I spend way too much money at Best Buy and Express.
Restaurant – Fyfe’s in Madison. I like the Olive Garden, as well.
Sport – Professional Football; College Basketball; Fake Wrestling.
Cartoon Character – Hank Scorpio.
Perfume/Cologne – Swiss Army.
Word – Cacophony.
Candy – Krackel.
Shape – The Right Angle.
Pizza Topping – Spinach & Mushrooms.
Clothing Brand – Express, OBEY.
Shoe Brand – Skechers have been good to me recently. I used to wear Airwalk.
Teacher – Mrs. Broderick; Kindergarten.
Instrument – Percussion is the only real instrument.
Number – Zero. It goes with everything.
Car – MINI Cooper.
Month – October.
Season – Autumn. It’s the most emo of seasons.
Theme – Hawaii 5.0. I’m not sure this was the question, but I’m going with it.
Holiday – Halloween; it’s a holiday, turd.
Letter – W, because it’s the only three-syllable letter.
Magazine – Entertainment Weekly, I guess. I don’t read many magazines.
State – Wisconsin is the best state in the nation.
Country – Canada or England.
City – Madison, Wisconsin. I’m living the dream.
Dessert – Ben & Jerry’s Mint Chocolate Cookie ice cream.
Sports Team – Packers, Red Sox & Kentucky Wildcats. It’s been a rough year.
Place to Hang – My house. It contains everything I own.


Do you look for in a guy/girl? – Humor, good grammar, intelligence.
School do you attend? – I haven’t attended school since January of 2004.
Qualities should your friends have? – They should make me less of an ass.
Is your earliest memory? – My Dad throwing up while changing my diaper.
Best memory? – The first time I smooched the Missus.
Worst memory? – I block bad memories from my psyche. Who are you, again?
Do in your spare time? – TV, music, writing, reading, eating grilled cheese. The usual.
Is/are your pet peeve(s)? – Driving whilst on the phone; the human race in general.
Do you like to learn about? – Science, Biographies, Psychology, How people work.
Do you Treasure most? – The Missus. Or my CD collection.
Do you Miss the most? – Unemployment.


Looks matter to you? – Not really, unless they’re required for the position.
You get jealous easy? – Not anymore. I’m secure with being a complete failure.
You have a short temper? – I’ll kill you! I’ll kill all of you!
You enjoy music, theatre, culture? – Most of it. Perhaps not as much as I should.
You like to cook? – I love to cook, but I suck at it.
Can you cook? – Not at all. I should take a class or something.
You have bad habits? – Hundreds. Maybe millions.
What are they? – Typical OCD-related behavior. I’ve spell-checked this thing 29 times.
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? – I have a wife. It’s like having a girlfriend with money.
How many b/f or g/f’s have you had in your life? – Maybe a half-dozen. Not too many.
What’s your longest relationship? – The Missus; almost seven years and counting.

Which do you prefer?

Black or White? – Color-wise or people-wise? I’m too afraid to answer.
Action or Comedy? – Good comedy always beats good action. It’s much harder to do.
Fantasy or Non-fiction? – Non-fiction, all the damn way.
Fruits or veggies? – Veggies. I have scurvy.
Pop or juice? – Pop? You must be from Wisconsin. Where’s the bubbler?
Pie or cake? – Pie-flavored cake.
Mountains or beach? – The Beach, although I cannot swim.
Country or city? – I prefer to work in the city and live in the country for now.
Classical or rock? – Rawk.
Rap or hip-hop? – Crunk.
Movies or books? – Books. Movies have really bored me lately.
Winter or summer? – Winter.
Spring or fall? – Fall.
Math or English? – Math; English has no rules. It’s impossible, even though I’m skilled at it.


Do you believe in true love? – I don’t know, but I definitely believe in false love.
Is love magical? – If you’re married to Lance Burton, then certainly.
Can love last forever? – Absolutely, provided you’re immortal.
Is fighting good for a relationship? – It depends on if it causes healthy progress or not.
Do you believe in love at first sight? – I believe in infatuation that turns into love, so yes.
Have you ever been in love? – Yep.
Are you in love now? – Yep.
Would you do anything for the one you love? – Nope. I’ll shave when I want to.

Your Perfect…

Date – June 19, 2004. That was a great date.
Night out – Dinner, dessert, drinks and a designated driver.
Day – Waking up in a foreign hotel with the Missus and a trillion dollar bill.
Love – I don’t understand the question.
House – Something so minimalist that I can’t even get inside.
Dream – That one where I’m on the Japanese game show with Sara Rue.
Describe your personality as best you can – People-alienating; difficult.
Describe your love’s personality as best you can – Unwavering and dependable.

Never send me these again; but please do send fan mail and 8×10 glossy requests to Thank you for your patronage; I’ll see you tomorrow.