The Conspiracy Starts Now.

The Conspiracy Starts Here.

It was almost 100 degrees that day. I blame the government.

I had heard about Dundee’s annual ‘UFO Days’ convention a few weeks prior, while scouring the internet for interesting places in Wisconsin to visit. Me and the Missus try to do this once every few weeks; get out of the house, visit some unincorporated shell of a town, eat grilled cheese and buy antiques.

Imagine my surprise when I saw that the ‘UFO Capitol of the World’ was less than 80 miles from my doorstep! To be fair, there were at least two other Wisconsin towns that proclaimed themselves ‘UFO Capitol of the World;’ I think someone needs to regulate that title a little more closely. Nonetheless, we packed the car and hit the road before 10am on Saturday.

Hmm...this doesn't look like the UFO capitol of the world.

Okay, this would normally be the point in the essay where I would get into how this convention wasn’t even close to what I expected, but I’ll let my notes speak for themselves. These are the blurbs I scribbled to myself on the way home, as to not forget what I had just witnessed. Take a look:

a) Expected something lighthearted and fun, did not deliver.

b) Heat index of +100 with no air-conditioning; people blamed the weather on a worldwide conspiracy to shut the convention down, seriously.

c) Main speaker guy looked just like Dale Gribble; initially thought he was kidding, was not.

d) Ranting old man was carrying around a Weekly World News; also not kidding.

e) Casual conversations about chips in your head abound.

f) Government-controlled weather. government-controlled weather.

g) New world order, concentration camps, aliens, George W. Bush, Jesus and the NWO.

h) Speaker mentioned in passing that someone was in telepathic contact with an alien.

i) Stuck around for a couple hours; got the hell outta there and didn’t look back.

j) Had to leave rad alien mask in the car, didn’t want to scare locals who were actually quite scared of aliens.

k) People had poor attitude; didn’t like aliens and didn’t welcome them. Sad, really.

It was so hot...

Yeah, that’s right. It was so hot in there that I went temporarily insane and drank a Budweiser. I hadn’t been that oily since high school.

What I thought was going to be a fun and lighthearted romp concerning the UFO phenomenon more closely resembled a room full of folks suspicious and afraid of absolutely everything. As the speakers’ allegations got more and more outlandish, the people around me just nodded more and more. Every few seconds, me and Missus exchanged glances as if to say, “Glad we brought the camera, nobody’s going to freaking believe this.”

I must say that for a few seconds, I was actually agreeing with what they had to say. For example:

Speaker: “All of these bad things are because of the Bush administration.”
Me: “Yup, can’t argue with that.”

Speaker: “They want to make your lives miserable.”
Me: “True ‘dat. Preach on!”

Speaker: “They have a machine that controls the weather.”
Me: “Where are my keys?”

Still don’t believe me? I have some video I’d like you to take a peek at. I must warn you, however, you’re going to forget what life was like before you watched this. I shot it myself:

So, what have we learned? To be honest, I don’t really know. I still believe in the idea of UFO’s, but I also believe in truckloads of medication to treat paranoid delusions.

Sound off in the comments section before I’m located and burned at the stake.

20 thoughts on “The Conspiracy Starts Now.

  1. Also, if anyone from the <>OBEY<> company is reading, I want some free stuff for plugging your clothing line all the time. Your shirts fit me like a dream.Oh, and one more thing. Sometime over the weekend, the <>CDP<> got a ton of hits from Total Fark. Not being a TF subscriber, I don’t know what the nature of the linky was. If there’s anyone who would be able to figure that out for me, I’d greatly appreciate it. It’s a shame to get Farked and not even know why.


  2. This has nothing to do with UFO’s… Or does it?You probably have already heard about this… But at Comicon this year there was a panel discussion with the Lost creators and they gave some tidbits about Season 3. Try Google News, there are several different stories on it.


  3. Thanks for the scoop, Paste. I’m gathering info for my massive Season 3 Preview as we speak.However, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Season 2, it’s that the writers and producers like to flat-out lie to the audience. Although it frustrates the life out of me, I must admit it’s pretty funny.


  4. Holy Crap!?!! All I want to know is WHERE can I get a <>TRT<> Shirt? I was also pleased and relieved to know that our nuclear safeguard is in the hands of a rogue group of aliens. Awesome.Probably the most disturbing peice of information on that video, more disturbing than the UN wanting to kill off 6/7 of the world population, is that that man has two kids. Scary.


  5. Yes, there are moments where a completely unrestrained <>“Holy s#!t”<> is in order. This is one of those times. I think you can get a TRT shirt on, although I’m sure you’re kidding.He mentioned in passing that his friend was in telepathic contact with an alien, and I didn’t flinch. When he mentioned that he had two kids, I got a little concerned. I just hope that I’m one of the 500,000,000 that gets to stick around.


  6. Sorry to say it, but this is exactly how my dad thinks. Not about the alien groups watching over our planets or anything, just the paranoia part. I’m sure he would agree with the vaccination issue. This is why my psychologist adviced me not to have conversations about racism, religion, or politics with my dad anymore.Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of those people were from Green Bay.


  7. Oh yeah, and how did you keep a straight face through this whole thing? I didn’t hear one laugh from either of you during that whole clip.


  8. What people forget is that there are a lot- and I mean a <>LOT<>– of people out there that think this way. Y2K survivalists, Unabomber-style shacks and whatnot. The small town I grew up in was teeming with these folk; I also met a ton of them when I worked at the hardware store. I almost felt homesick. Almost.Me and the Missus weren’t laughing because we were stunned and sort of frightened. This guy was talking when we first walked in, and I instantly went back to the car for my camera.Man, I just wanted to see a UFO.


  9. DON’T VACCINATE! WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?!Wow, man. A couple of things: 1) – WTF was the giant blue banner to his left supposed to be? What sort of alien looks that goofy?2) I loved the guy who asked about the driver’s licenses. He has that perfect stereotypical upper mid-west accent that I imagine you speaking in. Kind of a mix of Strange Brew and Fargo.


  10. I rolled tape for a half-hour and filmed three different speakers. Trust me, it didn’t get any saner.That giant banner was a depiction of an alien that one of the speakers made contact with. To me, it looked like something straight outta Dr. Seuss’ <>“There’s A Wocket In My Pocket.”<>That guy asking about the driver’s license <>was<> me, jerk. Yup, this is the midwest at its finest, and I promise that I really don’t talk that way.


  11. Wow. It turns out that people in the midwest are just as crazy as people in the deep south, it’s just a different kind of crazy.


  12. Yup. Midwest folk fear the south because we might get shot. Southern folk fear the north because we make bombs and stuff people into crawl spaces. I blame the government.Visit Wisconsin: The Home of Jeffrey Dahmer, Ed Gein and The CDP.


  13. Oh yeah, I forgot about the whole slavery thing. Or, as Strom Thurmond calls it, “The good old days.”Spork Nation is a good name for a blog. There are limitless logo possibilities, all of them involving sporks.


  14. The story behind the name is long and drawn out, but it does involve a drunken friend of mine asking how he was supposed to eat all these walnuts with a spork. We’re not smart people.


  15. I can’t wait to visit Massachusetts; I can already see Ted Kennedy’s head from here.Trying to eat a walnut with a spork is the definition of insanity, my good man.


  16. < HREF="" REL="nofollow">Obsolete Machines<>I plan on checking them out next weekend up here, but they’re in Madison tomorrow. Thought you might enjoy it.


  17. I thought that was going to be another reincarnation of those Green Bay bands…a mix of the Obsoletes and the Modern Machines. I was going to declare that Justin Perkins has finally gone too far.


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