I’m gunna die. For realz, yo.
I don’t know when, I don’t know why and I don’t know how, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to happen. I don’t think there’s any getting out of it.
It’s a fact of life; the minute you’re born, you start dying. If we’re fortunate, we get 75-80 years in which to experience everything that will ever exist in our minds, before it fades to black forever. Call it depressing or triumphant, but it’s the only thing we’ve got. This isn’t a dress rehearsal, here.
Last week, I realized that there were still a lot of things I longed to experience in my life, and I needed to start taking stock of what I wanted to accomplish in my short term on the planet. My theory was that if I actually wrote these things down and held myself to the task at hand, there would be a far better chance to reach these lofty goals and die in peace.
After careful consideration and thought, I present to you my list of ten things I want to do before I die. I hope that this inspires you to make a list of your own; or maybe just steal mine. Let’s go.
1. Punch A Guy Right In The Face For Absolutely No Reason.
Day in and day out, our conscience does its best to keep us in line. It whispers things in our ears like, “Stay on the right side of the road” and “Don’t touch that boy at the bus stop; you don’t know him.” Some days it whispers louder than others, but it’s kept me out of jail thus far, so I’m content with it.
However, one day I shall act completely on impulse and uncork on some random passerby. Probably a teenage waiter or theater usher. He’ll cry; maybe even throw up. I’ve never experienced the joy of an unbridled id, and I can’t say I’ll die happy until it’s finally happened.
2. Go On An All-Expenses-Paid Trip To Tokyo.
Ever since I first listened to Weezer’s Pinkerton, I’ve been fascinated with the culture that is modern-day Tokyo. Of course, now that I’m married, my list of things I want to do there has gotten significantly smaller and more legal. I’m a better man because of it.
I want to sing a karaoke duo with some random businessman, downing Sake’ like it’s going out of style. I want to live like a king on money I won playing Pachinko. I want to sleep in a drawer. Then maybe, just maybe, a deep-tissue massage at the Geisha house. Maybe.
In 1987, I saw Hulk Hogan bodyslam Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III, and it changed my life forever. Up until the exact moment I saw a bra in 1994, it held the title for the coolest thing I had ever seen. From that point forward, the thought of donning tights and stepping into the Squared Circle was always lingering in the back of my mind.
Sure, I’m 5’9″ and 153 pounds. Sure, I’m whiter than the inside of Robin Williams’ nostrils. Putting that all aside, I think I could come up with an interesting gimmick and give 100% for about a minute or two. I wonder if there are any midget wrestling leagues near my house that would go easy on me.
Okay, this one is going to involve some luck and perhaps divine intervention, but I’m still banking on it. I’ve devoted a large chunk of my childhood and adulthood to the study of the paranormal, and I think it’s only fair that I get to have an experience before I actually become a member of the other side.
Me and the Missus got married at a haunted bed and breakfast, and we made a point not to mention that tidbit to anyone, so they wouldn’t pretend to see things and whatnot. By the end of the weekend, almost everyone had a strange personal experience but me. Come on! I’m not even looking for photographic evidence or anything; just show up over my bed one night and say hello. I’d really appreciate it.
When I was a kid, I think my Dad saved my life. We were in his truck and he took a hard corner. I wasn’t buckled in, and my (faulty) door sprung open, ejecting me. At the last second, he reached over and grabbed my arm, saving my from who knows what outcome. It’s was probably the only time that another human being rescued me from great personal harm.
I’m going to need to be in the right place at the right time to save someone’s life, and there’s a very real chance that this moment will never arrive. So, if this hasn’t been crossed off my list in the next 30 years, I’ll just hit someone with my truck. It’s irony, and a job well done.
6. Take My Wiener Out On Live Television.
Probably on the Today show or something. I don’t think there’s any further explanation needed.
7. Get Fired In A Spectacular Fashion.
I’ve never been fired from a job. I’ve quit many, but I’ve never been asked to leave. Something inside of me wants to know what it feels like, but I don’t want it to happen unless I have something better lined up. Once that does happen, however, I’m going to sabotage myself like I’ve never been sabotaged before.
Come to think of it, if I just punch my boss in the face (or kill him), I can cross off two of these things at the same time.
8. Win A Competitive Eating Contest Of Some Sort.
Grilled cheese, preferably.
9. Turn Down A Date With A Celebrity.
Why do we love celebrities so much? Is it because they’re rich and beautiful? Is it because they contribute nothing worthwhile to society? Whatever the case, I’ve longed to be one (or be with one) for ages.
Now that I’m married to a smoldering hot woman who throws more free loving at me than I could ever handle, I’d like to see what it feels like to reject someone prettier than me, and with a net worth larger than most small states. Selma Hayek, if at all possible.
Or, become a world leader and just puke on myself. Whatever opportunity arrives first.
I’ll be honest with you; I’ve set the bar pretty high for myself. I don’t know for if I’ll ever be able to cross everything off of my list, but I’ll sure die trying.
What’s on your list? Sound off in the comments section, and enjoy your holiday.