Cotton Anniversary.


As of today, me and the Missus have been married for two years.

730 days.
17,520 hours.
1,051,200 minutes.
63,072,000 seconds.

We’ve been a couple for almost seven years.

2555 days.
61,320 hours.
3,679,200 minutes.
220,752,000 seconds.

In the near-seven years we’ve been an item, there have been only two days where we didn’t see each other.

2 days.
48 hours.
2880 minutes.
172,800 seconds.

While I don’t remember these two days personally, the Missus assures me that they exist. I guess we got into a bit of fight sometime during high school, and I skipped school for two days because I was afraid to face her or something. Sounds about right, and I’m certain that it was my fault. Regardless, we ran out of interesting things to tell each other in 2001. Nowadays, we just sit around and talk about things that other people have done in their lives; usually celebrities and professional athletes.

Every time another one of these relationship milestones comes and goes, her parents always remark at how amazed they are. Mainly due to the fact that the Missus’ attention span doesn’t allow her to keep suitors or interests longer than a few weeks. I’m aware of this, so I’m always thinking of new ways to keep the marriage fresh. Here are some ideas that have worked well for me in the past; try them out for yourself sometime:

1. Every few weeks, I’ll get home from work early and break something that’s special to her. This can be something like a family heirloom, or perhaps an expensive dress. When she comes home, I have her walk around and hunt for the item in question, while informing her if she’s ‘hot’ or ‘cold.’ She used to cry, but now has grown quite accustomed to the fun and unpredictable nature of it.

2. You have to get out of the house and do something as a couple at least once every two weeks. It’s best to do something collaborative, where you can put your heads together and work as a team. For this, we usually head out to a small border town and kidnap a stranger. We don’t kill them or anything, we just scare the whiz out of them and dump them off at a bus station. Just try to keep from making out after an adrenaline rush like that.

3. I sometimes go to work naked. Now, the Missus really doesn’t know I do this, but she can see it in my swagger when I return home.

When you spend every waking moment with someone, it becomes more and more difficult not to simply take them for granted. Some days, it’s quite easy to regard a significant other as someone who’s just always around, much like a couch or house plant. In order to combat this, I suggest fighting for no reason. The second you start to feel like your husband or wife is non-existant, just do something so monumentally stupid that they have no choice but to bust your chops for the next four days. It keeps things fresh, and there’s never a dull moment.

In the end, I’m just really glad that the Missus allows me to be her house plant. Happy Cotton Anniversary, Celia. I love you more than toast.

Click here to be shot two years back in time to our wedding day. Click here to be shot back just one, to our first anniversary. Sound off in the comments section, and tell me how proud you are of the two of us.

15 thoughts on “Cotton Anniversary.

  1. <>You’re lucky she hasn’t killed you in your sleep yet. <>True dat!!!And I thought it was the cats breaking all my things…I’ll have to apologize to Gabe when I get home. I bet it’s you meowing at 3:00 in the morning, too!


  2. I’m so proud of you two, which is weird, since I’m just some guy from Arkansas. And also I’ve never met either of you, or been to Wisconsin in the last decade. But moving on, Arcade Fire sucks.


  3. It all comes full circle on the <>CDP<>. I’m planning on making t-shirts that say that. <>Sexy<> ones.The Missus sent me a Hallmark e-card today that had a snapshot of flamingos on it. Her reasoning was that <>“the flamingos looked like us.”<><>This<> is why we never run out of things to talk about.


  4. My fear when I got married is that we’d run out of things to talk about. But it’s been 8 1/2 for me, and wouldn’t you know it — I’ve always got something to blather on about. Mostly it’s me going on and on about how amusing I thought I was during the day.Congrats, dude!


  5. Thanks, Todd.Isn’t it the truth, though? One of my biggest fears was running out of things to talk about, but I’ve found that as long as there are people to make fun of, we’ll stay married forever.


  6. She’s given me a detailed list of things that would provoke her to murder me, and I don’t plan on doing any of them anytime soon.Maybe.It should be noted that I took her out for a nice dinner last night, but she was still bummed that I didn’t get her a flower. Whaddya gunna do?I mean, I fully understand that women get all squishy for roses and whatnot, but it really is one of the biggest wastes of money on the planet. I could have spent $500 last night and had Tom Jones sing at our table, and she’d still be upset that I didn’t get her something completely useless.I know I’m going to catch hell for this, it’s just that I really felt like crap for the rest of the night because I dropped the stupid ball.


  7. I just thought you’d buy me one is all, considering I have stressed to you recently the importance of me receiving flowers. I even went to the trouble of pointing out in the Stopper Shopper ad how cheap flowers can be purchased at Pick ‘N Save. Now just because you feel like scuz getting flowers at the ‘ole PNS does not mean that I feel like scuz receiving said flowers. Enough said. Dinner last night was very nice.The waitress was very on top of her game. I will eat the leftover breadsticks for dinner tonight.


  8. Oh, and thank you for verifying that I am not completely insensitive for not knowing the significance of Dec. 8. I don’t even think we KNEW each other then. Of course, how would either of us know? We don’t even know what day we started dating. And that’s why we’re meant for each other–neither of us are ever paying enough attention.


  9. The origins of the start of our relationship was under the guise of denial, so the exact date has been lost forever. December of 1999/January of 2000 seems to be the closest approximation. Instead of a day, we celebrate for the whole month.


  10. Congratulations guys!! Happy anniversary!!! Don’t feel bad about not knowing exactly what day you started dating because Ben and I don’t know either. We just celebrate the first time we went out by ourselves, and that happened to be Valentine’s Day. That’s all the detail that needs to be remembered.


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