I Just Don’t Understand.

An open letter to the person who stole my lunch at work today.

By: Ryan Zeinert

To Whom it may Concern,

This morning, I awoke at 6:15 and prepared myself for work. I washed my hair, checked the news to see what the weather was like, and chose against shaving. Just before I left my home, I packed myself a lunch, as I tend to get hungry everyday at about noon. I’ve been doing this every day since May 16, when I was first employed here.

The items contained in the lunch were carefully selected by myself days earlier at the local Supermarket. I chose these items because I enjoy to eat them, and I like to make my lunchtime experience as comfortable as possible. I look at lunch to be like a brief vacation from work, as most people do. Today I had brought along a Stouffer’s frozen microwavable plate of macaroni and cheese with broccoli, as I do 4 days out of the week. Accompanying this dish was a vacuum-sealed portion of Mandarin oranges, as well as a butterscotch-flavored Snack Pak and a can of caffeine free Diet Pepsi. I brought along a plastic spoon and fork with which to enjoy these dishes.

Upon arrival to work, I placed all these items (save spoon and fork) into the refrigerator that is shared by approximately 50 people in my section. I neatly marked each individual item with a blue Sharpie brand marker, initialing them “R.Z.”. It’s office policy to do this, determining who’s responsible for what lunch. It prevents old lunch build-up and confusion. This system was supposed to be foolproof.

That was until 11:58 today, when I opened the refrigerator to retrieve my lunch. The Pepsi, Mandarins and Snack Pak were where I had left them, but the Macaroni and Cheese was missing from the freezer. I chalked it up to misplacement on my part, and did a thorough check through the piles of other employee lunches. Sure enough, my main course was gone. Someone had taken it, and used it for their own lunchtime enjoyment.

What is wrong with you? I cannot for the life of me understand how someone can open a freezer, take out something that is clearly not theirs, and claim it for their own. Did you think it was your own lunch? If so, wouldn’t there be an extra Macaroni and Cheese still sitting in the freezer? There wasn’t, so that argument won’t work. Did you not see my initials on the top of it? Even if you didn’t, you couldn’t possibly forget that you brought something completely different to eat for lunch that day, or perhaps you brought nothing at all. Which leads me to another upsetting aspect of this. Did you forget your lunch at home and decide to steal mine, or did you purposely leave your lunch at home so you could steal someone else’s? Either way, that’s not even close to cool on your part.

Perhaps you’re a diabetic, and you needed the sugar. May I remind you that there’s not much sugar in Macaroni and Cheese. Only 7 grams, to be exact. There’s candy bars for sale right next to the refrigerator that have 5 times the sugar that was in my lunch. They were only 70 cents. No, you made a conscious decision to take someone’s lunch, knowing full well that that person wouldn’t be able to eat today because of your laziness and selfishness. Shame on you!

Usually, I would bring along 2 or 3 backup lunches in case something like this would happen. However, I was in a hurry today and didn’t have the time. You see, I hurt my neck badly this weekend, and it’s hard to turn my head back and forth. I’m in a good deal of pain, and it’s hard to work as efficiently as I usually do. Today was very draining, and I was really looking forward to that lunch to pick me up and help me through the rest of the day. Imagine my disgust when I found out that you took it from me. Sure, I had oranges and pudding to eat, but I was reminded of a saying that my Dad used to tell me before I went to bed:

“As far as good meals go, lunch takes the cake,

but snack pak and mandarins, a lunch does not make.”

You bastard. I hope that you don’t know who I am. I hope that you’re a new employee or something, because my initials were on the top of that lunch you ate today. Why don’t you like me? Why did you take my lunch? There were, like, 30 lunches in that freezer that were bigger and more expensive than mine, but you purposely dug through those to get to mine. For the life of me, I cannot understand why you wanted to hurt me today. I wasn’t at work all last week, so I couldn’t have done anything to piss you off recently. Oh, and don’t bother pretending that your initials are the same as mine, because I’m the only “R.Z.” in the damn book. Save it, Judas. You stood there for 4 minutes and 30 seconds while my lunch rotisserated in the microwave, thinking about what you were doing.

I hope that the Macaroni and Cheese tasted like stale lies and betrayal, because I went hungry today because of what you did.

With Deepest Regret,

Ryan Zeinert

(Here are some sleeping tips to prevent yourself from neck injury while sleeping.)

Faster Than A Shorthand Bullet.

It’s good to be back. Allow me to tie up some loose ends, so we can all get back on track. As you can see, I’ve had a lack of sleep and sunlight in the past couple weeks.

(Initially, I had typed up a nice, long list of things I did this week, but my computer crashed at the last possible second. After minutes of cursing and breaking things, I decided to shorthand it instead of trying to remember every little thing that I said. What follows is that shortened form.)

1. Here’s a few final thoughts about the passing of my Grandfather. I had left the post about him blank because I didn’t feel the need to make my feelings public. What you need to know is that he was quite simply the most amazing person I’ve ever known. ‘Nuff said. This week has been agonizing, and my entire family is looking forward to better times.

2. Boycott Unity is also back on track. Expect new cartoons all next week.

3. Playoffs this weekend. Important. Packers will beat the Choke-ings. NFC Championship. Terrell Owens. Hope he snaps leg like Fazoli’s breadstick. Joe Theisman.

4. Celia doesn’t like babies anymore. Discussion will resume in distant future.

5. My vision getting bad. Fake glasses ruin eyesight. Irony writ large. Scared.

6. Unrelated topic. Playing lots of Mario Kart on GBA. Usually 18 hours per day.

7. Spent $700 on getting car fixed. Angry and sad. Thanks Mom.

8. Bought Operation tonight. Scariest game ever.

Will live like hermit this weekend. No phones, contact or bathing. Expect new things at CDP, getting close to 1st birthday. Later.