So, I was all set to create something huge, a culmination of everything that was anything this year. However, looking back only solidified the truth that 2004 really wasn’t all that good. In general, 2004 was terrible. War, natural disasters and another inbred hick in the White House.
2004 was a good year for me, though. So in the spirit of total and complete egotism (it’s my page, after all), I decided to do a top 10 list devoted entirely to pictures of me, Ryan Zeinert.
#10 – Ryan heroically overcomes writers block and unemployment.
I was celebrating my 3rd month of unemployment writing a screenplay, when I hit the wall. I think this photo perfectly expresses what I was feeling. Icky, unshaven and allergic to showering. Thank goodness I found a decent job, or I might be writing for a living.
#9 – Ryan masterfully imitates Bat Boy.
There’s this spot on the back of my neck that you’re not allowed to touch. For some reason, it makes me cringe, and all the nerves in my face contort, forcing me to scream in terror. This should be all the backstory you need.
#8 – Ryan drinks heavily at Thayers.
This was during out first trip to Thayer’s Historic Bed & Breakfast. I made sure that a bottle of Champagne was waiting in our room when we arrived. We had so much fun, we decided to get married for the sole purpose of coming back.
#7 – Ryan is a rebel, I’m told that the ladies like that.
If the sign says “Don’t Touch”, I’m still touchin’. The simple fact of the matter is that I’m dangerous, and you shouldn’t hang out with me unless you want to live on the edge. (I wrote a formal apology to the city of New Glarus, and sent them a check for $250 to remove my fingerprints from the ceramic cow.) This is without question the most rebellious thing I’ve ever done on camera, so don’t bother searching Google for “Ryan Zeinert sex tape”, or anything like that. Please don’t do that.
#6 – Ryan is a voice for the voiceless.
I run a little charitable organization from my apartment called “Tails of Giving”, which saves homeless and abandoned cats from a dangerous life on the streets. Through donations, we put up enough money for the cats to be fed into an incinerator, thereby eliminating the chances of creating more unwanted cats. I’m pretty proud of it.
#5 – Ryan becomes a terrorist.
Almost a year ago, someone was under the suspicion that I was a terrorist, or at least looked like one. This photo was all the proof that the Department of Homeland Security needed to put me on a torture jet for 96 hours. They attached a car battery to my unit until I gave them the names of my superiors. Good news is that I get to put one of those “POW-MIA” stickers on the back of my car.
#4 – Hello from 1961.
This bowling alley should be a historical landmark, not open for business. After bowling a lifetime-low score of 54 there, I realized that perhaps this place should be condemned instead.
#3 – Ryan shows his wiener.
I came home from work one day to find the Wienermobile parked right outside of my house, and unattended. I took full advantage of this, and took it on a joy ride until the Sun Prairie Police Department shot the tires out and pulled me out of the window. It was worth it.
#2 – Ryan hits on a headless woman.
It was the day before my wedding, and I decided that I should enjoy my final day of being single. Long story short, I woke up next to her, completely hung over and convinced that I was responsible for the absence of her head. To this day, the authorities haven’t found the rest of her, and I’m not talking.
#1 – Worst picture ever.
This is the ugliest, most disgusting, funniest picture ever taken of me. Sure, it’ll make you unattracted to me for the rest of your life, but you can’t stare at it for more than 5 seconds without laughing your ass off. To me, laughter is more important than looking good.
Well, what a fun trip down self-pleasure lane this has been. I can’t believe that you come here and read things that I have to say about myself. This whole thing is perverse and voyeuristic, and I’m not stopping until I have to. See you in 2005, where the CDP will return will all-new material and more of the same. I’m off to bed.