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I’ve been as productive as a corpse this week. Sure, I’ve been typing and working on my pages like crazy, but that seems to be all that’s in need of my services. The house is spotless, there’s food in the fridge, work is as good as it can be. When I come home, I sit until I fall asleep. I’m learning to cherish these moments, because Thanksgiving/Christmas is fast approaching. I’m honestly debating on if I should complete my shopping this week or not.
I’m trying to set honest, reachable goals for myself this holiday season. My first goal is to not drive anywhere when there is more than a quarter-of-an-inch of snow on the ground. I’m not doing it. If I wake up for work one December morn, and see even the slightest of flakes blowing around outside my window, they can shove it. I’m calling in sick.
But it’s way too early to talk about Christmas right now. Today, I want to talk about sex.
Well, sort of. Me and the Missus have been discussing back and forth about sexuality in movies. I say that we as Americans are very reserved about sex, but glorify violence in a way that no other country does. She thinks that every movie ever made should be G. Honestly though, us Americans will watch all the ultraviolence we can handle, which is illegal in real life. However, when there’s sensuality or nudity, which is completely legal and great in real life, people get squirmy. What the crap?
When I went to England several years ago, there was nudity on prime-time television, and every beach was a nude beach. As a frightened American, I was not okay with this. With the exception of having a gun pulled on us, me and my friends saw nary a scrap of violence. (Seriously, we had a gun pulled on us, and we would’ve been mugged had we not made a break for it. For future reference, running from an armed mugger isn’t a good idea, but it worked for us.)
I gave Celia a pretend situation. Suppose that she had to choose what movie I was going to be in. In movie A, I have a brief nude scene (my supple ass, of course), and it’s IMPLIED that I have sex with someone. In movie B, I creatively and perversely murder no less than 35 people.
Before I was even done pitching this to her, she wanted me in the serial killer movie. This may or may not have had to do with the world seeing my supple ass.
Now then, the funny.
There’s a site online called Kids In Mind. It’s a great resource for figuring out what trash is in a movie before you see it. They go over every swear, every bit of violence, and any signs of affection. You, as a responsible parent, should then decide if you want your child to see it. This is also a good resource for desperate guys, as they don’t have to waste their time with a nudity-free film if they so choose.
I’ve been reading this page recently, and I wanted to share with you some of their descriptions of certain scenes from select films. Taken out of context, some of these things sound much different than they actually are. I think it’s hilarious. Enjoy!
This first bit of “violence” is from the new film, “The Polar Express”:
Three children climb into a pneumatic tube and are launched at great speed through a chute (we see their faces stretch from the G-force), and they fall onto a huge pile of gifts, they are closed up into a giant gift bag and are lifted into the sky.
A man trying to fix the light on a moving train slips and grabs onto another man’s beard causing him to scream (he dangles from the man’s beard for some time and the man continues to scream). Also, a man tugs on a man’s beard and he screams with every yank.
A train stops just short of hitting a herd of caribou that is grazing by the tracks. A man yells at a boy. A man appears perched on the top of a train and then disappears in a cloud.
Moving on, we now check out some scenes from the adults-only flick, “The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course”:
A man pats a woman’s buttock. Two men admire a woman as she approaches them. A man makes comments about wild creatures finding “good looking Sheilas.”
The folks at Kids In Mind are very thorough, as you can tell. Who could forget this memorable scene from Pulp Fiction?:
There’s hardly any nudity, but there are explicit discussions of sex, and, most importantly, a man is shown being raped by another man.
Here’s some violence from Office Space:
Three men destroy a computer by kicking, punching, and hitting it with a bat. A man slices a fish’s belly and pulls out its slimy, slightly bloody intestines. We see a building engulfed in flames.
I firmly hold the belief that in the future, movies will no longer have titles. We’ll just go to the theater, and the signs will just say, “Horror”, “Romantic Comedy”, “Action”, etc. We’ll pay our 12 bucks apiece, and the movies will satisfy our needs.
I urge you to go check this page out and make your own opinions on if this is truly necessary, but before we go, here’s one more review from “Natural Born Killers”:
Many brutal and gruesome acts of violence are shown throughout the film. Scenes of carnage on TV screens play in the background of several scenes. There are beatings with bare hands and blunt objects, one character is tied to a bed and then it is set on fire, many people are shot to death, there is death by stabbing, and scenes of mutilation. Some of the scenes which depict killings are done off-screen, although threat and terror are shown. In one scene bloody bodies are shown hanging and strewn with blood streaked everywhere.
Let me tell you something. If you’re honestly checking to see if your child can view “Natural Born Killers”, perhaps you’re just too stupid to be having children at all.