A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned to walk forward.
Hey, bitches! Long time, no see! This is your old pal FDR, and I’ve got a bone to pick with 21st century America.
Now as you may or may not know, I’ve been dead for about 59 years. I’m not “keen” to what the kids think is “cherry” nowadays. I don’t pretend to be “down” with the “Miami Vices” or the “Hall and Oateses”, or even the “Knight Riderses” on the late-night telestrator. That shit doesn’t concern me one bit. But last week, something chapped my ass so much, I had to wheel myself right up to the Big Man’s throne and ask him for a day pass to earth to talk some sense into you bastards.
Ronnie Reagan died last week, and that’s tragic. Damn tragic. Sure, he was 93 years old, so it wasn’t really a surprise or anything, but it’s still sad to watch a decent man go. I saw the premiere of Knute Rockne in 1940 and I thought he was the most inspiring bastard I’d ever seen on the screen. He knew how to work an audience. He took this talent right into the Oval Office, where he defined a decade of greed and class separation the likes of which were never seen before or since. Good for him, the jellybean-loving turd. He deserved it.
But you already know all this crap. You had to watch it for 144 straight hours, didn’t ya? We don’t get cable in heaven, so I couldn’t turn the channel to “Wildboyz” or anything. We had a dish for a while, but it didn’t work for shit, and all we got was a lame-ass channel from Winnipeg. But I’m rambling again.
People started jaw-jacking about taking my face off of the dime, and replacing it with the face of the Gipper. What? You can’t do that! You can’t just permanently change currency because someone thought it was a good idea! Sure, I’m on the dime, but I was the FIRST guy on the dime! I’m already there, Ron, get your own! May I suggest a new coin altogether? Perhaps Mr. Reagan could be on the all-new bronze 14-cent piece. Or maybe a 99-cent piece. These would especially come in handy when you go to those 99-cent stores looking for fridge magnets. You wouldn’t have to get back that loser-ass penny that you can’t do anything with. And don’t bitch at me about the sales tax, either. When I was in office, 99 cents WAS 99 cents, God damn it.
So shut your mouth about trying to make me disappear off of your change, Conservative America. FDR’s here to stay! If any of you have a problem with it, so help me, I’ll get right up off of this Hoveround and kick you square in the sack. Don’t even test me.
Additional Note From Ryan:
The opinions, views and foul language expressed by deceased President Roosevelt do not necessarily reflect me or the Communist Dance Party. Deceased President Roosevelt offered the Communist Dance Party a sum of money to use our page as an outlet for his expressed views.
As a side note, the Communist Dance Party is fully against the notion of defacing any existing thing to add ANY deceased President to it, such as existing currency or landmarks. This offers the impression that the work of one President is more deserving than another, when they should not be compared whatsoever.
It should also be added that deceased President Roosevelt was very nice, and we played Sheepshead throughout the night that he was here. He had plenty to say about the way the United States was currently being run, but none of it was able to be posted for legal reasons. Just because we have been dealt a new loss, this doesn’t mean that we should ignore the losses of the past.