Everything Is A-OK.

Nah, I’m not stressed out.

I should be happy. After a 2 year unemployment stint, I’m finally going back to work on Monday. Starting May 17, I’ll be a Program Assistant at the Department of Regulation and Licensing here in Madison. This is just a fancy-pants way to say I’ll be answering phones and opening mail, but I can handle that. I get to leave the house, push aside insanity, and make more money than I ever have before. I really should be happy.

But, you know me. I’m chewing my nails down to the skin with anxiety. Any big change in someone’s life is greeted with this sort of response, regardless of if it’s a good change or not. It’s not so much the change in scenery I fear (I really need that), it’s just my fear of failure.

My track record with sweet lady “F” is long and dark. From Kindergarten, when I was the last person to learn to tie my shoes; to 6th grade, when I threw a broken whiskey bottle at a cop while swallowing a condom full of heroin. Some things never leave you, and they haunt every new opportunity, lurking for a chance to emerge.

My 4 year term at the Larsen Cooperative wasn’t so much a success, but more me just getting paid to be nice to people. Some day I’ll write a book about that place. You’d think for a gas station in Larsen, there wouldn’t be so much underage intimacy with paraplegics, but there was, and I’m serious.

Apart from all the worry, I really am looking forward to seeing if I can hack the busy nature of a State Department Job, or get fired 4 hours in. My Mother was ever so gracious to purchase me a brand new wardrobe, complete with dress shirts, ties and Docker slacks to stay in agreement with the strict dress code. In this compromise for money, I’ve become a sad shell of what I used to be. The blue-haired teenager with an infected piercing has become a tie-wearing corporate whore in his early twenties. Normally this would sadden me, but I look super hot in these clothes. More women will notice me now than when I thought bowling shirts were cool. Celia will attest to this. It’s a fair compromise.

This is another issue. I’m the only male working at this place, and I’m completely serious. It’s been really hard for me to get a job that’s usually dominated by women. However, I don’t feel like working in construction, pro sports or anything outside, so office work is where it’s at for me! Bring on the cubicles and stone age computers! Bring on the water cooler and the office gossip! I’m a big boy, I’m ready for it!

I’m going to go and puke now. Then I’m going to enjoy my last Friday of unemployment in front of the television.

5 thoughts on “Everything Is A-OK.

  1. Yep, you do look pretty damn hot in your corporate attire. I’m suppose to dress up to. Oops. I guess I forget to do that everyday. haha.

    You will be 100% efficient and productive and you will pass your probation no problemo. I told you…all you have to do is show up. That’s the big part. It’s suprisingly difficult to do. 🙂

    A worker called me efficient today…woooot!

    Like

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