INT. APARTMENT – AFTERNOON

Tinker gets to be the first to read my latest draft, as she is an honest critic.

My goal of a 30 page draft has ballooned to at least a 50 page one. The final act will be completed next week, as I take the rest of this week to get the other 2 just the way I like ’em. I plan on having a completely finished product by Thursday the 6th. Then I will give copies to a bunch of people, who will either lie to me about how good it is, or hurt my feelings with criticism. I will then change parts of it based on the feedback.

Tinker likes it, because there are 3 references to cats in it. The current title is “72 hours”.

And one last thing today, friends. I wrote this screenplay with filming it in mind. This means that in no time, Me and Ben will have a movie shoot on our hands. If you are at all interested in acting or doing anything else, don’t hesitate in e-mailing me at CTAKX@YAHOO.COM. We’re making magic, people!

The Wizard Needs Food Badly.

Playing Nintendo is answer #2 to the “writer’s block” question, although there has been a lot less of that lately. I haven’t ridden Mario up the flagpole in what seems like ages. The screenplay is moving smoothly now, as I make the transition from Microsoft Word to Final Draft. This is a step I could have skipped had I just done it in Final Draft in the first place, but frankly, I was scared of it. Turns out, it’s easy as hell, and fun too! Even you could crank out a beautifully formatted screenplay in less than a week. Well, probably not you. I can, though.

The job interview I had scheduled for today went better than all of my other interviews combined. I didn’t cry once, and we really hit it off. Imagine my surprise when she decides not to call me next week.

Oh, and as of this Friday, I will legally be known as Ryan Zeinert.

And finally, I saw an article online about the Government starting to look at Blogs for the purpose of National Security, concerning threats of terrorism and the like. While I suppose they can look at whatever they want to, and I don’t really care either way, I’m going to officially re-name this page “Republican Death Party” just to piss people off. I called a lawyer to make sure this was within my First Amendment rights, and it was not.

My Head A-Splode.

This is me…with screenwriter’s block.

That’s some SEXY screenwriter’s block, if you ask me!

That’s okay, though. I deserve a break. I’m just starting the final act of the first draft, after hammering out 24 pages in 3 days. I have a lot more work ahead of me though, as I have to completely reformat the script into a drafting program. (I plan on figuring out how to work that program within the next week)

As I’ve said countless times before, I’m way too busy this week to be stressing out over my little puppet show. I have 3 job interviews, 1 test, 1 court hearing, and tomorrow the guy from Charter Communications is stopping by to pick up my cable box. I found out today that I could save 10 bucks a month if I got rid of 20 channels I never watch. Deal! Take your box, jackasses! If I wanted the “Discovery Wings” channel, I would have asked for it. I bet you’re wondering how I will deal with just a hundred channels now. Well, I don’t know for sure, but me and the missus will manage.

So, I know what you’re thinking. “Ryan, what do you do when you have writer’s block?” Well, first off, thank you for asking. Secondly, I have fun with forced perspective!







“Hey! What are you guys doing?”



Gabe! Get the hell out of here!

That’s much better. As you can see, when I have nothing to write about, I become very, very gay.

Seacrest…out!

Gone Screenwriting!

No time to chat today, I’ve been busy the last few days working on a script for Benjamin. I’ll be back next week with a bunch of new stuff, and details on the screenplay. Stay busy, lord knows I’m trying.

(EDIT – SATURDAY, APRIL 24)

I’m finished with the first act, and still going strong. I took a break on Friday to read Ben’s (almost) completed first draft, and was just floored. To be completely honest, I didn’t think he could write something so good. I’m proud of you, Ben! On the other hand, it makes me want to quit mine, because it seems to pale in comparision. I suppose it’s next to impossible to compare a comedy mockumentary to a sci-fi dramedy, but hey, I just did. Talk to you again soon.

(EDIT – SUNDAY, APRIL 25)

I’m in about 20 pages, which is good considering I wanted it to be about a half hour long. I already know it’s going to be longer. I’m going to be very busy this upcoming week with job interviews and tests a-plenty, not to mention a little court hearing to change my name. What that means is I want to get as far as possible before all of those distractions take me from it for a few days. In order to get myself in the mindset of a good screenwriter, I’ve refused to shave, and have been drinking at home for motivation. This seemed to work for all the greats, including Ben, although he managed to pass out the first time he tried this method. Nevertheless, things are good, I’ve got a busy week coming up, and I’ll keep in touch.

KA-BOOM!



(for optimum enjoyment, make explosion sound with mouth)

Happy Monday! It’s another beautiful April day in Sun Prairie. The humidity is gone, the air conditioner is off, the windows are wide open and I’m on my ass in front of the computer. The “www” links to my page work fine again, Leo Laporte is coming back to host “Call For Help” tomorrow, and I’m getting married in 2 months. It’s days like this that almost make me forget how worthless I am as a human being.

No time to whine, though. This weekend was hectic and enjoyable. The family pictures back at home went as well as they could, considering I haven’t been able to smile for a picture for just short of two decades. Regardless, it was fun to see the whole family again, and try my first bottle of Guinness, which I enjoyed as much as I could enjoy any beer. I think I’ll sip down a hundred Cosmopolitans before I return to the warm embrace of British ale. Call me feminine, I couldn’t care less. I hold tight to my “3 drinks a month” rule, so it’s barely a factor. And I’m officially through rambling.

For the last few weeks, I’ve been having horrible nightmares. This is strange, because I usually dream of happy things, like cotton candy, beds with soft pillows, or a mixture of the two. Each night, my head finds a new and unusual way for me to suffer. A few nights ago I was hemorrhaging black fluid from my mouth, drowning me in my own fluids. Last night I got shot in the ankle. What the hell is wrong with me?

Talk to me in the comments section. Tell me what you dream about, or what you used to dream about. Congratulate me and Celia. I’m sick of the lack of comments. Don’t make me start with the naked pictures of myself. I’m not afraid.

We’re On Cloud Nine!

I have a very short list of things to do before I die. One of them is to go to Japan, and make a haul playing Pachinko. And while I’m there, I’m going to take a whizz in this bathroom. I AM perfeect all today! And smell too!

I had a job interview with WPS Health Insurance earlier this week. At the end of the month I also have an interview at the Department of Agriculture, Trade and Consumer Protection. This will be followed by a test for the position of Madison Police Department Clerk Typist, and a court hearing to legally change my name to Ryan Zeinert. April is a busy month for yours truly, and if I get any of these jobs, you’ll be the first to know. Besides me.

Now, with the onset of unemployment comes the onset of being broke and heavily reliant of those around you. Celia has done a masterful job of making sure we don’t get thrown out of our apartment, and my Mother has been selflessly giving me money that she doesn’t have, to pay bills that she doesn’t owe. It really makes me appreciate the sacrifices people make so their son or husband doesn’t hang himself in the bathroom by the elastic in his boxers. A huge thank you is in order.

Of course, these aren’t the only things that keep me from an early grave. To ward off insanity, I do lots of things around the house. I look at our new blender in the kitchen, and imagine when we’ll have something to blend in it. Just for kicks this morning, I pureed my breakfast, (which consisted of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a bowl of “Life” cereal), and poured it into a tumbler. This turned out to be not so good of an idea. Next time I’ll set it to “liquefy”, so I can drink it with a straw.

I also watch “Cops”. I try to take in at least 2 hours of “Cops” a day, and here’s why. No matter how bad of a day your having, the people on “Cops” constantly are having a worse one. Sure, your kid got sent home from school early because he took a swing at a janitor. Sure, your husband (or wife) doesn’t even have the common courtesy to take the syringe out of his arm before he beats the crap out of you. Big deal. People on “Cops” are the bottom of the genetic barrel. Indeed, we’ve all had things thrown at us by our spouses, but at least it wasn’t televised and replayed for 15 years.

Imagine that. You and your loved one are getting along well, happily married again for the 3rd time, the kids are all moved out, and your just about to settle in for a nice night in front of the television. That’s when you happen to catch the last few minutes of a “Cops” episode from 1991, when you 2 were both arrested for taking your knife fight into the streets. How do you casually turn the channel? You’ve got to say something, right?

(CLICK)

“Hey honey, they’re showing us fightin’ with the knives again.”

“Yup.”

“Got a little out of hand, didn’t it?”

“Sure did.”

“Things are better now, though.”

“Sure are.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too. Let’s watch Leno.”

(CLICK)

Consider yourself lucky. But getting back to my point, I also watch “Cops” so I don’t end up like that. I always take notes on each episode, and change my life accordingly. Basically, if you keep a handle on the liquor, and try really hard not to knock your wife out, you’ll be fine.

Something else I need to do is exercise. With spring turning into summer, I really should get out more often. I’m gaining weight, have trouble with most stairs, and I’m a spoonfull of mayo away from a full-blown heart attack. It’ll be a sad day when my pacemaker keeps me from microwaves when I’m 23 years old. I think I feel great, but I usually lie to myself.

“Outta’ shape, you say? Well, let me tell ya’ something right now. The Macho Man is tellin’ you to get up offa’ your can, and meet me in the ring this July, at SUMMERSLAM! Ooooooh, yeeeeeaaaaaah!”

You know what, Randy Savage? You’re right! Thank you! That was just the motivation I needed. I’m going to get off this computer, and take control of my well-being!

“Ooooh yeeeaahhh! By the way, do you have 20 bucks that the Macho Man can borrow? He’s a little low on funds right now. Ooooh nooooo!”

Get the hell out of my house, Randy.