A New Man.

Once I was old enough to form words and sentences, way back in 1985, I swore up and down that I would never get married. Not only that, I also swore that I would never have children. This seemed implied considering I wasn’t going to get married, but I also didn’t feel the need to father any bastard kids as well. I was going to be a bachelor for life, make and spend my own money, and die alone and afraid as we all will someday soon. I carried this mantra with me until somewhere around January of 2000, shortly before my 18th birthday.

Now here we are, over 4 years later, and its 90 days and counting until my wedding day.

I was just as shocked as you are now. Everything happened so quickly, that before I knew it I was completely wrapped up and fully dependent on someone else. At the time, I tried to play it off and remain distant and available. But it was only a matter of time before I threw up my arms in defeat, and hopelessly fell in love with Celia.

It’s not very difficult to fall in love with her. In fact, it’s so easy to fall in love with her that she should carry around a warning sign and an insurance waiver. Once you work up the courage to talk to her, she immediately sucks you in with her coy innocence, yet sheer brilliance and honesty. Speak one word to her, and you instantly feel like you could trust her with a dead body that needed to be hid as soon as possible.

And she would know where to hide it, too. She’s the most intelligent person I have ever conversed with. I’ve become so spoiled on conveying messages back and forth with her, that I sometimes forget how normal people think. Therefore, the patient, good listener person I used to be has been replaced with someone who no longer has the time to hear anyone else’s asinine ideas. We operate on a different plane. It may not be a higher plane (mostly due to Celia’s fondness for poop jokes), but it’s still our own little world. The big difference from most being that you are always invited into it, unlike other couples who shut you out with incoherent mumbling and code words. Code words should only be used in S&M relationships, not day to day life.

And boy howdy, is she beautiful! I’m thoroughly convinced that I will dearly pay for my indulgences in the afterlife, because no man could deserve a woman less than I deserve Celia. She’s the type of woman who’s so gorgeous that if you look at her long enough, you think about killing her. You know what I’m talking about. You look and obsess about someone so much, that they become too perfect to live on this earth. Then you have to go and take them out in some horrible fashion. Beauty and death are hand in hand. If you are with someone who you think you could kill on the grounds of her being perfect, the search is over. Marry that woman. But then don’t go on and kill her. Just keep that to yourself.

She’s high-class without being snobby, and low-brow without being unattractive. She appreciates fine art and architecture, classic literary works, antique jewelry and furniture, and all things Victorian. She doesn’t belong in this decade. Her beauty best suits her for the 20’s. I could see her jitterbugging with Al Capone, and then outsmarting him out of all his money and alcohol. But, believe it or not, this is the same exact woman who will laugh for days and days about the very notion of a dancing monkey.

As the days draw near, she works diligently on invitations and accommodations and all the other little things. She makes sure that my tux isn’t embarrassing, that everyone has directions, and the cats will be fed while we’re away. She does all this while working full time, and putting up with my staggering apathy and lack of common sense concerning all things resembling daily life. What I offer her is beyond me.

Now that I’ve given up my lifelong belief that I never want to get married, I also am giving up the belief that I will never become a Father. I used to think that all intelligent people knew better than to bring a child into this sick, disgusting world. Therefore, only stupid people reproduced, eventually leading to a completely stupid planet, leading to the complete de-evolution of our species. And while I still believe that, I also know that our child will be in good hands as long as Celia is around. (I plan on only lasting another 35 years. I never planned on going on any longer.) If we have a girl, she will be raised to become a beautiful, intelligent and strong-willed independent woman who is capable of succeeding at anything she decides to do. If we have a boy, he will be raised to respect women for whom they are, not for what they are expected to do for him. He will understand what it really means to be a man, and not just what it means to act like a man. The world will still be in chaos, but they will always have a Mother who knows how to make sense of it.

She’s everything you could ever need, and I get to spend the rest of my life with her.

And the best part is that she wants me to.

I love you Celia. And I can’t wait.

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